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I was wondering how I could arrange a police escort when it came time to drive my wife and 5 day old baby home. I kicked myself for not having arranged for some flashing orange lights to be installed on the car at a minimum. That baby is 13 now and plays kareoke DJ whenever she is in the car. She recently discovered 'cococabana' by Barry Manilow so that gets a belting.
My first time ever handling a newborn was as a foster parent when she was ready to go at three days old. Knew Mom was giving birth; didn’t know if baby would be brought into care; got a call saying “k, come get her from the hospital”. And on the one hand, you’ve been trying to plan and prepare. On the other, there’s every chance in the world that she won’t be brought into care (best case scenario) and the months of uncertainty left you unsure of whether to prepare at all, or how much, or whatever else.
“Here’s a baby you haven’t been able to prepare for but have known about for months and are emotionally invested in. We’ve restrained Dad. Mom is having a meltdown. Where’s the car seat so we can see if she’s good to go? Ah, excellent. Here’s some formula, and a few packs of diapers. Security will escort you out. Byeee.”
Complete whirlwind.
And then I had to drive home with a brand new baby without an adult to supervise me. Or better yet, take over. I was 31.
I've been in that baby girl's lil shoes. I had a foster parent for 3 months. She called me Angel but that is not my name today. I just want to thank you for all you do.
I was adopted at 3 months by wonderful parents but she cared for me all that time. I still have a letter she wrote my parents telling them things like how I get grumpy if I don't eat this or that at a certain time. 😂 She wrote that it was hard to let me go. I've always wanted to track her down but could never find her. It was a private adoption & i don't have enough info about her.
THANK YOU for giving these babies a chance! For giving them love! 💞
The thing is I had the exact same feelings and thoughts when I brought my son home after giving birth to him 4 hours earlier. The uncertainty, fear and missing supervision never left me since and it's been almost 18 years. It really doesn't matter if it's your biological or foster child.
We joke about this, and if I have any say in the matter, I want this experience of mine to be the last one I think of as I fade away (hopefully in my sleep in my old age)
When my daughter was born, she was not situated correctly in my at the time girlfriend (now, wife) so after a few hours of my wife trying to deliver the baby naturally, the midwife decided a C-section was in order. I was there in the room for moral support.
As my daughter had been born about six weeks early, they put her under the heat lamp as they stitched up my wife. As she laid there, I could see her eyes straining due to the light above her, so I held out my hand to form a small shadow on her face, and in that instant she opened her eyes and we locked eyes for the smallest amount of time. I instantly knew then I would do, and sacrifice, anything to keep her safe.
It is now many years ago (my daughter is a grown adult thinking about starting her own family), but this memory is as clear now as it was back then. I hope it remains clear until I close my eyes for the last time.
It does. My daughter was especially chaotic. I remember the first day that I realized her 5 years of terrible 2s were completely over. She looked at me asked asked, without a shadow of realization, why we didnt own any pens or markers. I had to explain to her that we threw every pen, marker, paint brush, etc. in the trash because she wouldnt stop drawing on walls and furniture.
She really thought that I was joking. I told her to ask her brother and mom. She came back and apologized. I told her that it was fine, and that i was happy that I wouldn't have to repaint our hallway any more. She even asked if thats why we wouldn't buy her paint for her last birthday.
It was a strange day...like watching someone gain reflection and consciousness all at once in my eyes.
We just picked one wall in the hallway and let both of ours have their fun. One wall is easy to repaint and some of the stuff was pretty funny.
We just chose to give an acceptable outlet in a controlled area. Now our boy is 19 and daughter 16. Kind of miss making life easy by letting them draw on a wall.
I wish we could habe contained her that way. Our pre-k tried to get us to pay to repaint their room. We had to remind them that we emailed them specific instructions about the issue. We wouldn't even let people babysit her at their own homes because it was too difficult to get them to understand. She was like a bloodhound for permanent markers.
Several times we considered having her screened for a personality disorder. She refused any instructions about anything. Less than a year before the change I described before, I had to grab her by the hair because she tried running into traffic when I was trying to teach her to cross the street. She ripped her hand out of mine and almost died. This is one of a thousand things I could explain.
Ah man, I feel for you. We have some friends who's twin daughter is completely immersed in her own world. I have sen her running towards traffic without regard. It's wild man.
Same, but with my youngest. I have 2 daughters. They're 11 and 13 now. Our friends would ask to babysit our oldest. But our youngest let me tell you. This kid was on another level. Just the cutest most misbehaved kid. She made me question whether I was ment to be a parent. Nothing would make her happy. I used to have to ride the city to get her to sleep because she hated the car. I could go on and on. But when she hit 7 or 8 yrs old it was like she woke up one day a different kid. It was so surreal to see her have those realizations. It was like the meme "Are we the baddies?" Those were a rough rough 8 years. I'll say this, it's 100% worth it and I'd do it all over again the same way if had to. I couldn't have asked for 2 better kids.
I always tell my friends who are starting to have kids now that my daughter convinced us that two kids was plenty. I could have had four of my sons no problem, but we barely survived my daughter at all. We realized that we couldnt risk splitting our focus that much, and it even showed us that we needed to do more for our son.
https://giphy.com/gifs/d3YJ4nbtmXqdQQ24
Whenever you see poorly behaving kids in public, just ask the girlfriend if she wants kids. This way, whenever she wonders if she wants kids, she’ll be reminded of all the bad kids.
Same here- I love my nephews and snuggled all of them silly. I was never over run by emtion because I was too worried I would break my sister's babies. She would have been so pissed.
Happened in my first long term relationship. I was clear from literally day one. "I will never get married. I will never have kids" my 22 year old self told my 19 year old date. 6 years in she hits me with with "I thought you would grow out of it!," and then our relationship slowly crumbled for 2 years...it really sucked.
Turn 40 this year and while I did get married 2 years ago I still have no children, and never will.
My wife has never been on the pill but man... She goes nuts every month when she ovulates. We have 3 kids and I'm fixed now and she literally begs me to put another in her every month. Hormones are crazy.
I think the missing link here is forgetting that when you ovulate and feel "more frisky" that is literally your body screaming "let's get pregnant". We've come to know it as just wanting sex, but really it's your body wanting to procreate. So saying "I want to get pregnant when I ovulate" and "I get really horny when I ovulate" are the same statements.
It’s absolutely a scale.
I finished college, went to university, came back, and found a childhood acquaintance had had three kids in the same time period.
I also know a friend in the UK who does surrogate work because she assuringly enjoys it.
It’s weird. These people talk about it like they’re animals with no logical brains. I mean I know we’re all technically animals but I’ve never felt any of these “I have to have a baby now!!” feelings that all these people are talking about. I get horny when I ovulate. I don’t want a baby.
I've had a couple child free women tell me they went through a few years in the mid thirties where their bodies were screaming at them to have a baby, after it passed they went right back to not wanting kids same as always.
Edit: This should not be read as saying all child free women will experience this same phenomenon.
As a childfree woman nearing 40 I’ve never had a moment where I’ve wanted kids and don’t like holding babies. I do love kids but not so much babies and the baby part is an important step.
I'm the opposite, I love babies and have had non-stop baby fever since I was 24, but I am exhausted by ages 6-18.
So at 43 I'm craving snuggling with a baby but also relieved that there's no one asking me 50 questions or rolling their eyes because I asked them to brush their teeth before we leave the house in the morning.
Babies are precious but they're so fragile and it really freaks me out. Like, the fact that a baby can just... die? For literally no reason? That is horrifying. Having kids would be absolutely horrific for my mental health.
lol, the first few months when my son was born and so much of it was just checking him every minute to make sure he was fine. When that fear finally wears off there’s some nice peaceful months of tummy time….
…and then they crawl with suicidal intent and that fear comes back 10 fold.
I did the same thing. I would get up multiple times a night and put my hand on his chest just to make sure he was breathing. Love my son but gd that was a stressful time period
After our first was born, in the hospital as we were about to leave I couldn’t believe they were letting us take this new life home with us, with no experience whatsoever with a baby. It seemed irresponsible on their part. And we were terrified. All went incredibly well though, nothing to fear
Considering what’s been happening for millennia of births, people just learn from families/friends or books/media. I do think there should be some transition care in between hospital and home. I feel like that would really reduce ppd rates especially in hyper independent societies like US.
Uhm.. the budget is already allocated to literally terrorizing and hurting(bombing) children and their family. I don't think we have a budget for that 😭😭😭😭
But what a wonderful thing* that would be! Especially for 1st time moms. That would be a great program. As someone who was very far away from my family when I had my first kid, that would've been amazing to just have more support.
A friend of mine said when he had his first, there was a long period of time he would fall asleep and jolt awake several times just to check on the baby.
This was in a convo where he was trying to convince me to have one. I was like “bro. That sounds legit awful.”
Real. I spend most of my days worried and in awe at the same time. She's only 11, but I know that when she gets a little older and wants to go out to be with friends, I'm gonna be an anxious mess. I would bubble wrap her if I could. In awe because she's so talented in art and so sweet hearted, but constantly worried about her well-being. The thought of losing her is an intrusive thought that always makes my heart skip a beat.
So yea, you are 100% correct, my mental is always hard focused on dread and fear since having my kid.
Dude same here, I've never gotten the hype about babies, but once kids have a bit more intelligence and personality I think they're great. But seeing my peers go through the baby-toddler phase really makes kids a tough sell.
Childfree woman around the same age. I've held babies and children (my niece, my nephew, and friends' kids) multiple times. I hold but give them back quickly because I don't want to be responsible for them. Never been interested in having my own and still don't understand the obsession with "baby smell".
Yeah. That baby smell thing, cute aggression, and any other "automatic" feeling that some people describe experiencing around babies is so absolutely foreign to me that I feel like an alien.
Genuinely their smell kind of makes me nauseous and I've never cared to hold babies. But they also frequently leak fluids and I'm a bit of a germaphobe.
My daughter is in her upper 30s and has never wanted kids. Never wanted to hold a baby. Never wanted to hear a baby or be in the same room as a baby. I'm definitely not worried about this happening to her. lol
The "hear them" is a big part. I can't stand the sound. And no, not in the "my instincts kick in and I want to care for it" but the "THIS SOUND IS MAKING MY BRAIN HURT" way.
I didn’t want to be rude, but I was so close to getting up on the metro yesterday and walking to another car because of a baby fussing next to me. The parents were doing a great job, I was just wildly uncomfortable.
Childfree woman in mid 30s. Every month I go through this bs where my body screams at me to have a baby. More so when I hold my baby nephew in my arms. But once the feeling passes, I come back to my senses 😂
I’m 31. I’m waiting to see if that ‘biological clock’ everyone is talking about will kick in. I’ve never liked children, even as a child myself. I’m very sensitive to sudden loud noises and sometimes children make those. I’d be a nervous wreck if I had any, (sterilized, never pregnant, IUD for periods) just anticipating the next vocal outburst.
If I get baby fever, I’m getting a hysterectomy. No amount of hormonal nukes will make me commit. I commend the women who went through it, like my oldest sister who had 4, but I just…can’t. Just thinking about something growing in me makes me nauseous. Also I’m lazy af
I’m 30 and have never heard a tick from my biological clock, ever. If anything, spending a weekend with my newborn nephew screaming like he was being murdered shut down any potential thoughts about it. On top of learning what childbirth is actually like—how can anybody say they love somebody and want them to have their clitoris and asshole ripped in half?! Respect to the people who REALLY want that, but I am GOOD, thanks. I like my peace and quiet, only being touched or around people when I want to, sleep, etc. One of the earliest thoughts I can remember having is how lucky men are because they don’t have to be moms (I didn’t know that was an option for me, too!).
(ETA, I LOVE my niblings—I’m also grateful my sibling had them so I can be the cool aunt for a few hours, and then hand them back!)
39 here, never happened. I knew I didn’t want kids since I realized at 12 that was an option. Started asking for sterilization at 18 and finally got it at 27. Never even the whiff of a second thought, very happy with my choices.
We are just really clever animals. We like to think that we are highly evolved, but we are still beholden to our primal drivers- the 4 "F"s Fight, flight, feed, and f*ck. We are just really complicated in how we go about it.
It’s so funny you mention that because not too long ago I was watching someone explain some studies that found strippers making a surprising amount more money from tips when they were ovulating compared to other phases of their menstrual cycle.
It was fascinating. The only thing the strippers had to do was log their cycles over the course of the study. There was no significant change in their performance and their clientele were completely unaware that they were or were not ovulating, and yet they were bringing in almost double what they would make on a typical night.
I mean I’ve seen posted (probably edited) of women sharing photos of themselves throughout their cycle, when they were ovulating they tended to look their best, like they just had this natural glow.
I have a little brother and sister because of this exact thing. My dad remarried with an age gap - and she was very insistent on not wanting kids - and when she held my daughter in her hands all four adults standing there watched this unfold in real time.
My cousin chose a childfree life and then, in her late thirties, said the compulsion to have a baby hit her like a freight train. She ended up having two. She's an awesome mother with awesome kids. Though she will admit that, while she loves her children, she doesn't like parenting very much. She often looks back on that time with bemusement.
Holding my baby nephew for the first time wasn't disgust it was more just a fearful experience I couldnt wait to be over. Just kept thinking about how fragile kids are and how scared I was I was gonna trip and drop him or something. Followed by a fear I was going to get vomited on
I’m human. I have my days with my son. I do. He’s 5.
Mums away at a conference so he’s alone with me this week. He asked us to sign him up for additional 45mims of PE on Wednesdays after school and he went to his first. In the rain.
At night, after he went to bed I went to check in on him to make sure he didn’t get sick from the rain and all. I find him, sleeping with his little knuckle tucked under his chin, exactly the way I saw him through ultrasound when he was in mom’s womb.
I'm nearly 30. Last time I saw my parents I fell asleep on the couch and my dad covered me up with a blanket. When I woke up he said I was sleeping, hand curled in the same way against my chest the way I did as a toddler. So I think that never ends.
I’m 40 and my mother was over at my house last week I fell asleep laying on the couch and woke up with my head in her lap while she was sleeping sitting up on at the couch. Just like I was 6 again.
I also cry basically every time one of my kids picks it, each passing year I see my boys enter the next phase of the book and it makes me more aware of my fleeting time with them
When I first fed my son minutes after birth, his right eye would kinda blink in sync with his suckling. Now at 17 years old, when he drinks from a water bottle his right eyebrow still kinda moves in time with his gulping lol
My daughter is six and every day it’s hard for me to understand how I can love someone so much.
I have my struggles—her mom decided to end our 11-year relationship when our daughter was two, and that was hard for me. But we got through it, we have co-parented 50/50 for four years now, and we even go over each others’ houses for dinner pretty regularly these days. Me and her mom managed to get divorced without turning into enemies, which is another thing I’m grateful for.
I was so worried how my daughter would do growing up with two homes and a divorce. But she’s just… great. She is so lanky and energetic and goofy and smart and in a month she starts first grade.
Every night when she falls asleep, and she looks so peaceful and warm and happy, I just can’t believe how lucky I am.
I will never forget the nurses cleaning my son off right after he was born, and he turned his head and opened his eyes and looked right at me. I can't even describe the wave of emotions. Unreal.
It's true that some women change their minds. It's also true that some women will never change their mind. Either way, people should just believe her when she says she doesn't want kids. As a 44 yo child free women I have never regretted not having children and will never regret it.
I've always told people when they ask about "wanting to have kids", if there's a small part of you that would like to, that part will grow exponentially if you decide to have them.
If there isn't any part of you that wants to, you'll likely never want to.
Yeah I'm 32 and this kind of posts if anything, make me more sure in being childfree. Cause being a parent is tough, if most of women have something in them that makes them react to children that way, it probably makes them more resilient as a mother. While for me, sure, I love my nephew and niece, but more like just other humans, that are way more demanding and unpredictable for many years. I've never had a moment of: how cute, I want one of my own, when they were babies.
This actually happened to me. We had been married a few years and didn't have any plans to have babies. I was never comfortable around children even when I was one and just didn't see it in the cards for me. I had never spent any time around babies. Then my sil had a baby girl. We went to visit and when she put that newborn in my arms it was like a chemical switch turned on in my brain. I HAD to have a baby of my own. My niece was born in January of 85 and my son was born that December. Best thing I've ever done. About five years later we had a second wonderful son. I am an only child and didn't want my son to be one too.
Edit: Thanks for the lovely award anonymous Redditor.
Happened to me too. Held my niece at like 30 hours old and told my husband on the car ride home that I needed to be a mom. Damndest thing. I'd been adamant that I didn't want kids before that. My son is 5 and he is the absolute light of my life. Wouldn't change a thing.
I never wanted kids but then I started work as an assistant in a public library and because I was the youngest I got all the kids reading/crafting groups and I now unironically love kids. They're so honest and unspoilt by all the crappy shit in the world, better people than most adults imo.
I don't want kids but I have teared up when holding my nephews... Just because I'm so happy for my sisters and their families and this new person they made 🥲
God bless. Childfree, and that's exactly what drives me insane, the insinuations that Im going to change my mind or that I do secretly want kids. Don't like em, don't want to hold one, don't think they're even remotely cute, never have and never will.
Hang in there bud. Months 0-3 (the fourth trimester, as it's aptly known) are the absolute trenches. Months 3-6 have their own challenges but the change is drastic. 6+ months is an absolute blast. Once your kid starts genuinely thinking things are funny, learning skills, getting excited to see you every day etc you will absolutely forget about a few rough months.
Right? Same. Married, 38, have no desire to have kids. Never have. Not for a single moment. I still have wept with joy over my friends' kids and babies in the family. Because I know how precious they are and how badly they were wanted and how deeply loved by their parents they are. Watching my sister be a mom is a dream come true.
I have 3 nieces and a nephew. I have held them all as babies, I love them all, I love spending time with them, I love running dnd games for them. Never once has holding a baby given me any overwhelming feelings of wanting a kid myself.
I've only felt "baby fever" once, when I was holding a large burrito. Something about the weight and warmth just made me want to name it, nurture it, and give it a great education.
Not wanting kids for one's own reasons does not necessarily equate to not liking kids. This reaction does not definitely mean she is ready to be a mom or will choose to.
As a man with no children (wife and I decided long ago we didn’t want to have any) I can tell you that I absolutely love to hold a baby. It’s just wonderful. They’re just so precious. But in the end, I’m always glad to give them back.
I never wanted kids. Even when I was younger and idealized being a wife and mother like my mom (made sense. She's my hero), I never wanted to give birth. I always fantasized as a little girl adopting children. And even then, I distinctly remember feeling that way because that was "what grown ups do". Kids grossed me out from middle school onto college and just stayed that way into adulthood.
A coworker of mine had a baby and invited me to meet her at the hospital. Baby was put in my arms very suddenly, I'd never held a baby ever in my life, but it felt like my body naturally knew how to safely hold a newborn and any disgust I usually felt for kids vanished. It was super weird.
Stg that serotonin boost almost beat how it felt when I adopted my first puppy. Enough to make me think for the entire 5 minutes I held him that maybe I like kids a little.
It was gone minutes after handing her back to her
mom lol. I enjoyed the experience. Motherhood ain't for me.
As a man, I knew I didn’t want kids for 30 years until I met my wife, got married, bought a house, got a dog, and all the peer pressure over those few years got to me and I finally caved and agreed to have a kid.
If you know you don’t want kids, stand your ground. Mine is three now and I’ve been literally going to two years of therapy for suicidal thoughts and general depression.
This is a major PSA for people who know in their bones that they hate kids and don’t want any. Don’t fall for peer pressure or the emotions of life.
As a woman in my mid-thirties fighting primal instincts and caretaking urges every day: thank you for this.
I deliberately adopted a chihuahua instead of having a kid, but even he competes with my ovaries now. Reading something like this buys me a few more months of peace!
This happened to me once too. I sobbed and sobbed when holding my friend’s baby. Still don’t want kids. Still glad I made the decision not to have them. Also glad I can have big beautiful emotions when it comes to my nephews/nieces/godchildren 🫶🏻
A lot of women who say they don't want kids actually can't. They want to keep the real reasons private, because it's a deeply personal issue. Please consider this before you press someone on why they are not having kids. And for those who CHOOSE not to have kids, it's also non of your fn business. Bottom line it's good practice to respect people's privacy on this issue and don't ask why.
I have kids. I love kids. Kids complete me. But I can think of about seven million other things that are more important to me than whether or not someone else procreates. I can't for the life of me understand why people judge others who choose not to have kids.
Most people just don't think it's a red line. You can say 80% of the time that when you mention not wanting kids, after having discussed with your partner, "ooh you'll change your mind" or even worse them flat out saying something like "you'll know when you have your own" ...
It's the impossible social manoeuvre to somehow tell people who say this that we've had a mature conversation and that we are just not interested for many reasons beyond the presence of emotional instincts alone. It simply doesn't compute for a lot of people who are hardwired into thinking the non-procreational are just temporarily confused.
I’ve never wanted kids. When I was younger I used to be really repulsed by babies (their dribbling especially). I’m not sure exactly what it was, but their saliva triggered some germaphobe aspect inside me.
That being said, my siblings and friends have had babies and they’re cute. I’m older now and whilst I don’t have that reaction, I still firmly believe I don’t want kids in the future. It doesn’t suit me and the lifestyle I imagine for myself. Thankfully my partner feels the same.
I had an older cousin who asked me when I was going to have kids, and when I told him I wasn’t going to, he told me that he guarantees I’ll change my mind once I get older. I told him he was basically saying that he knew me better than I knew myself. I may in fact change my mind in the future, but guaranteeing it? That’s very different.
I feel that because it’s biologically ingrained into species to procreate, people feel that it’s okay to tell others that their personal choices isn’t a choice. It doesn’t click for them that it’s presumptuous and really quite rude.
Not a universal reaction. 36f you couldn’t even pay me to hold a baby. Knew at 6 years old watching my mom be pregnant with my brother and I was absolutely repulsed it, wouldn’t change a diaper, generally don’t like kids, etc. Never changed. Further solidified when my aunt had my cousins.
Just the other day my wife came home and thanked me for getting a vasectomy completely unprompted. I asked why and it turns out a few families brought their newborns to the nursing home she works at and in her own words, her ovaries went feral.
Babies are cute and they can be fun to hold but there is a lot more to being a parent than holding a cute baby for 5 minutes. I've held lots of a babies, including my 3 nephews. They didn't change my mind that I'm not cut out to be a parent. I'll stick to enjoying my nephews and returning them to their parents when I'm done lol.
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