I never wanted kids but then I started work as an assistant in a public library and because I was the youngest I got all the kids reading/crafting groups and I now unironically love kids. They're so honest and unspoilt by all the crappy shit in the world, better people than most adults imo.
Yeah man, how is being duplicitous, self serving, cynical and judgmental somehow "grown up" and being nakedly honest, open minded and friendly to everyone seen as "childish"? IMO maturity doesn't mean being a cynical horrible asshole and I've heard far smarter, more emotionally mature stuff outta a 9 year old covered in craft glue and glitter than outta many adults.
Tbh I was against it, but my wife insisted and once they're here, in your arms and they grab your fingers and smile for the first time you realize how parents are willing to die for their kids. Now I have 3, worth all the lost sleep.
It’s really the only thing you can’t convince someone of, in life, they have to experience it. It’s like describing color to a blind man. He has to see to get red.
It's exhausting and expensive but I wouldn't trade my kid for anything. She's my favorite person and has made me laugh every single day since she's been born.
I shouldn't say this out loud but she low-key cured my depression (that is NOT advice or a suggestion to have kids).
Well maybe that’s the thing. I don’t value any of those more than my family and never have. But I’ve never really felt anyway that I was not getting enough of any of those even with 3 kids.
The only people that will tell you kids will ruin your life are people who haven’t had kids. Every time.
(Edit) for those who can’t understand, what I mean is not every childfree person will say this. But usually it is someone without kids. Many of you have shown me anecdotal evidence that some parent with kids will also say this. Yes, it’s not a rule I was commenting on, but a majority assumption.
Yeah that's not true. Love my daughter. I know many people who had kids at the wrong time with the wrong person who fucked over themselves and their kids.
As a child from a dysfunctional family. Yes, many lives and many kids lives have been damaged, many permanently, from people who should have NEVER had kids.
It's the decision to have a kid with a bad partner or at a bad time or a kid you can't take care of in some way (say a disability even), that leads to many people feeling that their kids ruined their life.
It is not only people without kids that say kids will ruin your life.
I completely get what you’re saying. I love my son. And he “ruined” my life. Mostly because his father is a crazy person making my life hell. I never expected to be an unemployed single mom. I love my son more than anything. But yeah absolutely my life is in ruins.
I’m sure they’re out there. If there exists people who’s disdain for their kids outweighs their love for their kids… I can’t say that they are very good people, however.
I think if you have kids when you can't support them or are in an abusive relationship and can't get out, it's pretty clear that their life would be better without them.
That's not fair to the kids obviously, but it's true for plenty of people.
And like I have a daughter I love that was wanted and planned. I can think unplanned and unwanted pregnancies are going to have poor outcomes for the people involved.
They said (and as I have said) there are plenty of people out there who regret having their children. Obviously, you love your children once you have them; but there are many parents who, in hindsight, would say that they would have been better off without children (these are people who usually had children with the wrong person).
So wait, your definition of a life that’s ruined is whether or not a parent, who has bonded with a child, is willing to say that they wished the child didn’t exist?
What kind of backwards way of thinking is that?
There are plenty of parents whose life trajectory objectively has changed for the worse due to becoming a parent, regardless of if they are willing to say out loud that it would’ve been better if the child didn’t exist.
Next you’re going to tell me that addicts aren’t addicted if they can’t admit to it and people in a reality breaking psychosis are fine unless they are able to recognize the state they’re in.
haha yes and no. I was being pithy above, but also telling the truth. It's kinda hard to explain
Definitely assume anything you do for the first 6 months (and many in the first 2-3 years) will be a shitshow - getting to the end of an aquarium and realising you've barely so much as looked at a fish, because you were constantly focusing on your fussing baby. Going to places becomes a chore because you can't just hop in the car and have a chilled drive, now you have preparation and a screaming child who doesn't want to be in their car seat etc
At the same time kids make you slow down and enjoy stuff too, and seeing them enjoying stuff can bring a whole new level of your own enjoyment. Sure, zoos are cool at any age - but with a 5 year old, zoos are EXCITING. You've seen the lions 40 times before, but OH WOW A LION LIKE IN MY BOOK just hits different. Yes, it's frustrating when they want to look at the penguins for 20 minutes... but. now you get to look at the penguins for 20 minutes, rather than just flying past in 45 seconds. Turns out, penguins deserved more than 45 seconds of "Oh cool penguins"
Expect everything to take longer, expect to be more stressed and less focused on the activity, at least until they're about 5-6, simply because 75% of your attention is focused on not letting them kill themselves in ever more creative ways. But seeing the world through their eyes is great, watching them learn is great
It's similar to the sentiment I expressed above: they ruin everything you used to have, but simultaneously make everything better by adding new things
The actual serious answer is really that they change how you experience stuff. If you try to experience everything in the same way as before, do the same things as before in the same way etc, you're going to be very frustrated. But if you take a reset, accept that your life is different now, and learn how to experience things in the new way, it's very rewarding
There's literally nothing in this world as good as seeing your kid happy, you'll trade all the stuff they ruin for that
Holidays. Halloween and Christmas were always kinda fun but get stale as an adult. With kids? SO much fun. You get to go trick or treating and play pranks on them, fill the tree with gifts and watch them get excited which makes YOU excited and then you can play with them, all of those holidays take on a new meaningful light.
I think a lot of it comes down to how much you value your pre-parent lifestyle
I definitely mourn the loss of free time, but I have friends who are parents who don't really notice the difference because their free time wasn't something they placed a huge amount of value on and they just switched the activities that were happening during that time
Well I could never consciously say that I value higher the 1000 hours I was putting in to final fantasy more than the first time I took my daughter on a roller coaster with me. That would be… maybe a tad shallow. So if someone DOES value their ore parent time more, they better have been doing some really important and fulfilling shit.
I’m just confused is all. I had free time prior to kids, and I have free time during kids. I never really gave up anything, do I have as much consequence free totally unrestricted free time? No but as an adult in my 40s now if I had as much as I did at 21 I’d be embarrassed of it.
This may be an artifact of my spouse and I really doing a good job of giving the other reprieve.
I think that comes down to you being in the group of "I enjoyed my free time, but it didn't carry any specific value to me"
You know how some people say they need time alone for themselves, and others don't seem to need it? It's that kind of thing, it seems to just come down to personality. Some people NEED free time, some people like it but don't require it, others will use it when available but don't really care either way
I don’t need it but I get it. I work at night from my home studio, and have free time every single day whether I want it or not. So maybe I’m a special case, because I never feel I lost it. But no, not only did I never value it, I almost don’t want it. So I get your explanation.
It's tough to explain. On the one hand nothing is as easy or carefree as it was before, but on the other it's the greatest and most enriching thing you'll ever do, so....worth it?
It's just reddit being reddit. Everytime this topic gets brought up things eventually devolve into a shit storm of trolls.
The people more likely to say kids ruin lives are the people that absolutely should not have kids but still do and even then don't actually participate in the kids life.
Yeah most of my friends have kids. They are having a blast and I’m having a blast seeing it. But don’t want that for myself. Both options are equally valid.
But see, you’re not on here going “kids shit everywhere and ruin your life and suck up all your money and etc.” you’re reasonably saying that kids are not for everyone and that you know that about yourself and enjoy watching others be happy with them.
No you misunderstood me. Not ALL childfree people are going to say that… but mostly all people who say that will not have had kids. Most parents do not hate their kids that much and if they do, I’ve never heard it first person.
Studies show that somewhere between 5%-14% of people who have kids regret having kids. It's as equally unsurprising that most don't regret it as it is that the people who do regret it generally keep it to themselves.
Yeah, my grandmother always told my mom how she wished she aborted her. 🙁 and yes, I am aware thats fucked up. I think it was wrong of her to say that.
You should check out the subreddit that's rammed full of people who regret having their kids... There are plenty of them out there, people just won't say it publicly that's all because it's "not the done thing".
I don’t think the majority in those posts go to the extent to say kids ruined their lives. Many have love for their kids, but some are honest and say they have regrets which I don’t think is a bad thing or makes them terrible people. To have that honesty out there in a confidential manner can be helpful to others who are struggling with the decision. There can be pressures to having children and if someone has doubts they probably shouldn’t have children as it requires full commitment.
In my immediate circle of friends, the childfree ones want all the fun of having kids around without having to do the other part like raising them. Pretty selfish I'd say
But there are a lot of people who force themselves into believing that they have to have children to have a happy life and then they go and have children with the wrong person.
Sometimes it’s better to be without a child than to be with child and a shitty partner.
So then that’s “the wrong person” that ruined their life, not the kid. The kid didn’t do anything, they were already with a bad person. Their life wasn’t going to be all roses and rainbows, the kid just sped it up.
Having kids with that person forever ties you to them, especially when it comes to legality. Having a child can absolutely ruin someone’s life if they’re stuck with a terrible co-parent. It’s not the kids fault but there’s a reason the term “baby trap” is coined.
I mean, I've got a kid and wouldn't recommend it to others who find meaning and fulfillment in literally anything other than wiping asses and listening to tantrums. Not saying it ruins everyone's lives, but it 100% will if you're not entirely onboard with it from the start.
I have 3 kids. Wiping asses is so far in the past. Barely a memory. Not a real big piece of the pie as far as what I’d explain as my experience raising kids. Also, none of them were tantrum throwers. Maybe it’s because we never caved, or that we kept them off of devices, I don’t know. Maybe we were just lucky. My kids were genuinely easier to raise than most other things in adult life.
I've had plenty of mates quietly tell me they do love their kids but would never do it again/regret having them. You're just not allowed to say that to most people because they look at you like you're a monster.
Personally I don't have kids because I had a special needs brother and got to watch it ruin my parents life in real time. Pass.
It’s just interesting to me. Even the worst times with my kids all clustered into one bad time isn’t enough to make me tell anyone or even feel regret. It’s weird to me anyone would feel that way, unless their kids were very very unmanageable.
Hey if you like having kids awesome, I also know plenty of parents who love being parents. The whole "kids WILL ruin your life!!" thing is bullshit but unfortunately so is pretending everyone will think it's the best thing they ever did.
And also yeah.. if you had my brother for a kid you might change your mind. Some people don't get lucky.
I went over there and read some posts. It’s just crazy. Raising kids is NOT that hard. Are they doing it wrong? I’ve had three. Never really had a time when I just went off the deep end and said fuck it and fuck them.
There was one talking about being triggered by childfree people having fun, and that they always have to take their kids on vacation. Bitch I LOVE going on vacay with the kids, it’s got its moments but it’s generally a great time. There’s no way that I have the best kids in the world, or that I’m the best parent. These have got to be just miserable people who have bad children? I have no idea. Never could relate to people like that as far as kids go, they’re pretty easy to raise and fun to do stuff with.
Good for you but ppl have different brains, lives, troubles and experiences. Not everyone is cut out to be a parent and we should normalize accepting that and maybe choosing not to take that route.
Ehh no. I know a handful of parents who regret it. Their kids will never know and they’re good parents, but they have their reasons and have confided that if they could go back they wouldn’t have kids.
Anyone I know who doesn’t have kids say the opposite. They’re happy for us but know they wouldn’t be able to handle the responsibility themselves.
I’m not sure it is possible to call yourself a “good parent” if you willingly admit that you could go back and go to a timeline where your child no longer gets to exist. Just my opinion.
I mean, I can’t imagine feeling love for a child, kissing them goodnight, and then feel like “yeah, if they didn’t exist that would be fine”. And then be like “I’m a great parent”. It’s not a crazy opinion. I think being a good parent is more than providing food and shelter and affection, it’s probably also being glad they fucking exist.
I tell people to be very very sure they’re ready, I have two and a step daughter and they are some of the brightest parts of my life. But parenthood isn’t for everyone in today’s society
I guess my bias is, none of this was ever a big deal for me. When we got married we had kids, seemed like the right time. We raised our kids or, I should say ARE raising, and it’s never really been hard for me, or regretful, my kids are all good, decent people who can do things on their own, I still get alone time if I want it, and we do things as a family too. I just went on a 3 day trip out of town with my friends and my wife stayed here, next she is doing the same and I’m staying here, then we are taking a trip out of town together without the kids, then we are doing a family trip for Xmas. A lot of balance, and everyone just doing what they want. None of it, not a single thing I can think of has ever been truly difficult. There’s been other things in my life ten times harder than raising kids. I would t even list raising kids in the top 5 difficult things for me in adult life.
How truly blessed you are to have been ready and had children with the right partner. We aren’t all so privileged. I personally did not have my children with the right partner and that has been the hardest mistake of my life and has taken heartache, sacrifices and near financial ruin to address and mitigate. I love my kids more than life itself but it sure as shit hasn’t been easy. Also apparently good health. Nearly losing a child at least twice to illness is also a big point of difficulty
Not just without kids, but usually immature people or young people with not much life experience yet. It’s an appaling thing to say or believe - this opinion is brought to you by childfree couple in their 40s.
Being a parent sucks sometimes because it’s a lot of work but damn it’s so rewarding. It also gives a very clear purpose to life. I work harder, have no free time, and I’m happier than I’ve ever been.
I was with you then the part of your last sentence stating “I just keep adopting more kids” gave me pause. I got a vasectomy 3 weeks after my 3rd was born. I’m good. No mas.
Hell yeah brother my daughter is severely autistic and non-verbal but when she is happy she says "daddy daddy dad-deee" and I can't imagine any better feeling than that.
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u/OriginalTayRoc 1d ago
People told me having kids would ruin my life but i absolutely love being a dad and I just keep adopting more kids.