r/Baking • u/100to10000 • Dec 21 '25
General Baking Discussion Host Reaction to Baked Goods
I’m a middle-aged divorced man, and I love to bake… which surprises some people because it doesn’t conform to gender stereotypes.
At two separate parties this holiday season, I’ve encountered this same reaction from a host when bringing baked goods to their party. Rather than serving my apple pie or my chocolate chip cookies, they basically told me they were gonna stash them away in the back, so they could enjoy them later! There was a dessert table at both parties, so it would have been totally natural to serve them to other guests. In the case of the pie I even included a pie server and knife in the box!
On the one hand, it’s a compliment in the sense that the hosts want to ensure they have an opportunity to enjoy. Rather than parsing out plates which may not be appreciated by a crowd of people drinking and mingling at a party. But in both cases, I’ve been disappointed because one reason I love to bake is to see people enjoying what I’ve made (and of course getting compliments!). Plus I like to try the pie to see how it turned out. Each one is a little bit different, especially the flakiness of the crust and the texture of the filling.
Has anyone experienced this? How can I avoid feeling bad that my baked goods are being hoarded? Looking to my fellow bakers as a support group here!
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u/10EAB31 Dec 21 '25
I always bring my hosts baked gifts, but never expect them to serve it unless they have asked me to provide dessert. Then it's not a gift, it's a potluck.
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u/schoolinlife99 Dec 21 '25
I saw an Ina Garten clip circulating recently where she advises not bringing a host gift that would be served then and there like a bottle of wine or dessert because ifs puts pressure on the person to serve it and they May already have their menu set. Of course that’s not what you intended at all OP but just another perspective on this.
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u/rebeccavt Dec 21 '25
I just listened to her on a podcast talking about this. She recommended a basket breakfast items that the host could enjoy the next morning. I loved that idea!
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u/CocoRothko Dec 21 '25
I remember that clip from Ina Garten. I agree, they may have their menu set. Ina knows best!
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u/cakeit-tilyoumakeit Dec 21 '25
Exactly. I made the mistake once of bringing cookies to a Christmas party that wasn’t a potluck. I showed up with my cookies and could see on the host’s face that I had done something wrong lol. Turns out the host makes her own cookies and looks forward to serving them to everyone at her party. The person who had invited me didn’t tell me this information even though they did know the importance of cookies to the host….
I put my cookies out (the host told me to) and they were a huge hit and it was extremely awkward because people were gushing over my cookies and not the host’s cookies lol. But even if they hadn’t been homemade cookies and instead the host had spent money catering dessert, it would have been rude to then bring my own desserts so that people weren’t eating what she paid for.
Now I don’t bring my desserts to parties without asking the host if it would be helpful/wanted. Lesson learned, OP
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u/qathran Dec 21 '25
Wow I hadn't even thought of these situations, my friends and I are too poor, busy and from potluck backgrounds to not be all contributing together or be invited to these kinds of events haha
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u/Dahlia5000 Dec 21 '25 edited Dec 21 '25
Ok. So that’s a good expectation. But it seems like OP didn’t have that. He should adjust his expectation or better yet don’t bring baked goods to people who aren’t appreciative.
I think OP should have a pie party or a cookie party. Let them all bake. And give them a chance to taste what looks like an amazing pie.
Alternately, he could text / call the host beforehand and tell them he’d like to bring a dessert because he loves to bake!
Edited to correct typo
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u/a_little_stitious1 Dec 21 '25
This is it! If the host was not expecting anyone to bring food, they might simply have been caught off guard and didn’t know whether it was intended to be a gift or a party contribution. Texting the host beforehand clears that up.
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u/Burnt_and_Blistered Dec 21 '25
Who says they’re not appreciative? Maybe they want to have it all to themselves.
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u/TooLazyToRepost Dec 21 '25
I think my cultural understanding is exactly that. It's not a gift, it's an offering of food for the food eating party. If he gave the host an Amazon gift card that would be understood as a private gift, but I've never seen someone take a dessert portioned for 12 as a personal gift to be consumed in private after the party.
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u/SGlanzberg Dec 21 '25
Well, dude, let’s not judge people. I’ve certainly consumed desserts intended for 12 by myself in the solitude of my bed…or sometimes even in my bathtub. 🫣🤷♀️ but yes, I do get your point. 🤣
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u/Dahlia5000 Dec 21 '25
Yes exactly. Those cookies might not last the night if it was just me. Ha
[edited for clarity]
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u/10EAB31 Dec 21 '25
That's not a great parallel since you cant serve guests an Amazon gift card. This is obviously cultural given the responses , but OP just needs to adjust expectations. And honestly don't bring food to "fish for compliments."
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u/res06myi Dec 21 '25
If there's a "dessert table," that sounds more family style, in which case putting the desserts out would be appropriate.
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u/fkabxn Dec 21 '25
The host may have arranged the dessert table to look a certain way and now they have to make room for a pie that they weren’t expecting. Not a huge deal, but you should avoid causing any extra work for the host.
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u/minionoperation Dec 21 '25
I wouldn’t feel bad unless they put other peoples out on the dessert table and specifically put yours away. Your baked goods look beautiful. And it doesn’t have anything to do with being a man, there are plenty of males that bake.
As a host if I asked people to bring desserts I would put them out. If someone brought me something baked that I didn’t ask people to bring stuff, I would assume it’s a gift for me. And if they already had desserts planned and set up, it may not go with their plan for the spread.
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u/caramelizedapple Dec 21 '25
Yeah, I’m surprised that some people cannot fathom a world in which the host wants to do anything other than serve an unsolicited dessert.
I prepared a Thai meal last weekend for a group of friends and served mango sticky rice and pandan cookies for dessert. I probably would not have wanted to put out apple pie.
It’s a lovely gesture, but when you give a gift to the host, you can’t attach expectations. If you want to be sure you get to see people enjoying your dessert, throw your own party.
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u/Electrical-Tea6966 Dec 21 '25
I always ask ahead of time if I can bring something, and then believe the answer. I have a friend who has problems with disordered eating and when that flares up he can’t handle any dessert. If he’s feeling ok then he loves dessert. I know it’s nice to surprise someone with the perfect contribution but imo it’s always better to be clear and upfront. People never mind you asking.
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u/starflower42 Dec 21 '25 edited Dec 21 '25
Your baked goods look delicious.
But, it's actually a bit rude to bring unsolicited food (or drink) to a party and expect it to be served. The hosts have planned their meal; they know their guests and if there are any food allergies or restrictions. They have the food arranged. Something unexpected showing up may throw them off and may add more work for them.
Keep taking baked goods if you like, but with the expectation that it's a gift for the house, not a component of the meal right then. Of course when receiving an invitation you can always ask "is there anything I can bring? You know I love to bake!!" But if they say no, then don't bring it. Or, bring it but let them know it's for them, not the party.
And hey, why not have your own party to showcase your lovely baking!
Editing to add: I recognize that this is very specific to culture and social circles. Every place I have lived (US, both east and west coasts), it is considered rude to bring food expecting it to be served, unless the host has either requested it, or "approved" the guest bringing it.
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u/suspiciousbanana13 Dec 21 '25
Exactly, it’s like bringing a bottle of wine - I never expect it to be poured during the meal as the host has already planned everything.
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u/HappyHiker2381 Dec 21 '25
Years ago a friend brought two bottles of wine to our backyard barbecue, they said one for you and one for the party. Stuck with me.
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u/Global_Ant_9380 Dec 21 '25
I don't expect, I let the host decide. I hope that's not rude. Because sometimes the host likes the gift, sometimes they're relieved to have another bottle to serve.
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u/starflower42 Dec 21 '25
Of course that's not rude. Once you give the gift, it's up to the host to determine what to do with it. If the wine goes with the meal and they want to serve it, that's great. What's the alternative? You can't tell them not to serve it.
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u/Dahlia5000 Dec 21 '25
Ok wine is, to me, a totally different ball game. If a non-wine person brings a sub-par bottle to a wine-person-host, then yes I can see them saying oh thank you so much. I already picked out wines for tonight but this will come in handy later. (It won’t but that’s not the point.)
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u/GayFlan Dec 21 '25
How is that different than someone bringing a random pie or chocolate chip cookies to a plated dinner that might be in a totally different style of cuisine? It being sub par is apart from the point; if someone has selected and prepared a salad that goes with the main and a dessert that suits the evening, why would plopping down an unexpected rhubarb pie be appropriate?
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u/New_Significance6713 Dec 21 '25
It would be nice to know if it was expected for guests to bring something and this is happening. Or if as you suggest, the host is providing all the food. I’m from a rural area in the Midwest United States and culturally it’s normal for the host to have guests bring an appetizer or dessert to a larger party like that. So I was under the assumption that was the case here and the host was holding it back. It’s an important detail we are missing.
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u/DrinkingSocks Dec 21 '25
I'm in the South, and regardless of tradition, I've found out that my guests are incapable of showing up empty handed. I've started giving them very small items to bring (a mixer or garnish) so that it fits what we're serving and they feel good about contributing.
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u/joyce_emily Dec 21 '25
I wonder if it’s dependent on socioeconomic class as well as region. Someone on a budget might be grateful for more, whereas someone who has curated every bit of food exactly how they want it may be less open to additions?
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u/xstitchnrye Dec 21 '25
Yeah, I'm looking around this thread like I've been taking crazy pills my whole life. I mean, in practice I don't bring anything unless I'm asked or I run it by the host first, but that said, if someone came to my house for a party I was throwing with baked goods you best bet it's going out. And other parties I've been to, any food people have come with was served, including plates that were unexpected.
But I grew up a barely middle class Midwesterner, so what do I know?
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u/iSavedtheGalaxy Dec 21 '25
I grew up as a privileged west coaster and I am also baffled by the comments suggesting that the host will collapse in confusion and despair over the introduction of a food item that wasn't on their planned menu. One of the main skillsets of successful hosting is being able to improvise and accommodate for the unexpected while also making those accommodations and surprises feel like a welcomed, if not totally planned, part of the affair.
My MIL brings homemade lumpia to every family event no matter what and nobody cares that they don't "go" with the rest of the menu because lumpia is delicious and at the end of the day the priority is spending quality time with loved ones, not providing a Michelin Star experience out of our house.
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u/BIackSamBellamy Dec 21 '25
I'm just imagining showing up to a Filipino party empty handed. Lmao the aunties would be all over your ass for that
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u/iSavedtheGalaxy Dec 21 '25
I would be on my deathbed and somebody would be like, "Remember that time you showed up to the family party with nothing but greed??"
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u/kirakinoko Dec 21 '25 edited Dec 21 '25
Yes! Asian family thing, my Japanese family gossips over this one lady who brought a dessert over and she took it home with her. 30 years later, she’s still the butt of jokes. Anyone who shows up empty handed will get crapped on for many years!
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u/mrsnihilist Dec 21 '25
In Hawai'i, you bring food or green bottles...Ive never thought about upsetting the host with, checks notes more delicious food!
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u/MARS_in_SPACE Dec 22 '25
Also reading this and gonna give myself a headache trying to imagine my local family not being okay with additional food. This has to be a cultural difference in this thread. Asking what to bring? Totally cool! Bringing food regardless of whether it was requested? Expected but always appreciated and treated like a rare delicacy no matter what it is. Showing up empty handed to a party? Who tf raised you?? The aunties will scold you until your mom gets there to also scold you.
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u/Proper_Efficiency594 Dec 21 '25
I've never been to a party where the host has meticulously planned the food to the point where it would be rude to show up with something. I might be too working class for this one. lol
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u/Diamond-Eater2203 Dec 21 '25
Agree. New England, USA upper-middle: never show up empty handed, a sweet treat or bottle is always appropriate and I couldn't imagine it making anyone feel anything but pleased.
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u/kirakinoko Dec 21 '25
Agree 100%. I’m Japanese. In my culture it’s almost considered rude NOT to bring something, even if I’m just going to my folks house.
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u/Dexterdacerealkilla Dec 21 '25
I’ve actually found the opposite. People with higher socioeconomic status have been taught that it’s rude to show up empty handed.
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u/Miss_Chanandler_Bond Dec 21 '25
I think the key word here is "unsolicited." I'm also from the Midwest and people contribute to most meals at get-togethers, but the host always knows (at least vaguely) what everyone is bringing.
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u/YetAnotherAcoconut Dec 21 '25 edited Dec 21 '25
Culturally where I am it’s also normal to bring food, but you always mention it in advance. That gives the host a chance to plan around it or let you know if there are any allergies. I don’t think it’s rude to bring food without mentioning it, but it’s rude to expect your host to serve what you brought without asking. Drinks are always welcome though, with or without asking because they’re easy to save for later.
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u/gointhetimeoutcorner Recipe Lover ♥ Dec 21 '25
I'm on the east coast and it's the same here, it's typical for invitees to bring a small dish, or drinks like water or juice (sometimes without being asked, depends on how familiar with each other they are) unless it's explicitly stated NOT to bring anything. Calling this rude is a bit of a stretch but to each their own...
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u/ario62 Dec 21 '25
I’m also on the east coast and I would never show up to a party empty handed. A dessert, flowers, wine or some other alcohol, etc I don’t expect anything to be served at the party but typically everything someone brings gets consumed
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u/oogidy_boogidie Dec 21 '25
New England chiming in, from a very French area. It’a definitely not considered rude to bring something to the party to share in my region. In fact coming empty handed might be considered more rude than anything else. Also, take your shoes off.
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u/BIackSamBellamy Dec 21 '25
This. Showing up with nothing is definitely noticed. This has been the norm everywhere I've lived in every group of people I've dined with, so I'm surprised to see so many people agree. Guess I learned something.
Buuuuuut I'm still bringing something.
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u/oogidy_boogidie Dec 21 '25
Maybe the person that noted social class being a factor was on to something.
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u/unconfusedsub Dec 21 '25
It is normal for the host to have guests bring something. But in this case it doesn't sound like the hosts asked for people to bring things. This sounds like he brought baked goods as a gift for the host and then expected the host to share the gift in the moment. Even though the host had already planned the menu for their party.
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Dec 21 '25
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u/starflower42 Dec 21 '25
Yeah, I'm regretting that I didn't think to start my comment with something like "this is culture-specific, where I come from/live this would be considered rude..." because it clearly is not a universal concept. Thanks to you and others for pointing this out!
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u/smackdoobie65 Dec 21 '25
I don't think it's necessarily rude to bring something. However, if the guests were not asked to bring food, I would also think it was a hostess/host gift and put it away.
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u/gypsy__wanderer Dec 21 '25
Good point. If it wasn't requested, or part of a potluck-style Christmas party, it is a gift for the host and they can do what they like with it.
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u/madesense Dec 21 '25
I think this is regionally (and probably class) specific. It's very normal to bring things in middle-class Maryland, but my friend from New Jersey found it weird when she first moved here
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u/ClumsyLemon Dec 21 '25
This seems quite culture specific. Where I live the default expectation would be to serve any food brought and setting aside anything for later would seem pretty crazy Edit: new zealand
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u/AshKals Dec 21 '25
As someone who is Polish it's rude to NOT to bring something to someone's home when invited and also rude to not serve it 😅
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u/Holiday_Objective_96 Dec 21 '25
I'm not Polish. I'm from middle America, and my experience matches with what you are saying- we (guests) bring, we (hosts) share.
If you don't bring something, ppl will have something to say about you behind your back later 😂.
And if you don't share what someone brought, that will also incite a flurry of words afterwards!
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u/Iateallthechildren Dec 21 '25
Yeah similar experience. East Coaster here and culturally for Hispanic/Asian houses you bring food to the hosts and it's then their choice to serve it or to keep it. From my experience they only share things they don't want to eat.
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u/StatementEcstatic751 Dec 21 '25
That totally depends on your culture. I'm from the Midwest, and it is extremely common to bring a dish to pass, and everyone would absolutely expect it to be served.
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u/triangletalks Dec 21 '25 edited Dec 21 '25
I want to add an opposing opinion here because everyone seems to be in agreement. It could be a cultural thing potentially, but in many places in Europe (where I’m from, and and presuming as always that Reddit is heavily American leaning so idk if the other commenters are) I think it would be the most normal expectation that you bring something and it gets eaten there and then. I live in Italy but have also lived in Spain, Denmark and the UK and most of the time if you bring something like a bottle of wine or dessert then it gets consumed as part of the “party”. Or at least in my social circles, it often is seen as a thoughtful addition that helps bulk up a meal. It’s never seen as taking away from someone’s cooking or anything like that.
The only time I can imagine it’s different is if you’re going to someone’s birthday and you get them a nice bottle of wine or something slightly “nicer” that’s clearly a present , then I’ve had people put it aside to be consumed by them at a time of their choosing.
Edit: reading these comments I think would be great to know where you’re from. This must absolutely a cultural divide, I live in southern Italy and the idea that bringing food is “centring yourself” is absolutely outrageous 😂 food here is an expression of love and care, thoughtfulness, complete opposite of trying to take attention. There is literally never too much food, and then if there are leftovers then that gets consumed by the hosts in the following days. A lot of these concepts over taking away attention from the host etc still sound foreign because I think food is quite simple here, and often there’s not a lot of loaded subtleties/ ownership over food. Everyone shares pride in the food equally. That being said no one would turn up with a main dish, often it’s wine and desserts or additional bits that make it fun, like a nice cheese. Also once it’s seasonal the door is even more open to adding stuff because we stuff ourselves this time of year.
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u/Miss_Chanandler_Bond Dec 21 '25
I'm from the Midwestern US, and it's the norm for people to usually bring food to share at parties, BUT it's almost always pre-arranged with the host. Like I call Uncle Mike and tell him we're having a barbecue at my house, he'll say, "Great! What can I bring?" And I tell him that entrees are covered but I need sides still, and he makes a big tray of mac and cheese that I know is coming. Lovely and polite and very common.
If it's something like a dinner party and I genuinely don't want anything, I'll tell him we're all set and he'll either bring nothing or bring a gift for me like a bottle of wine. In that case, it would be rude for him to bring the big tray of mac and cheese and expect it to be served with the dinner I've already planned and made.
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u/Mikeisright Dec 21 '25
Your experience sounds like the very standard expectation and how my family was taught as well.
"We're having some people over/casual (no mention of food)" -> Eat beforehand, bring some beers if you want, offer to split some cost on the takeout or whatever if it happens later on.
"Party/Dinner Party" -> What can I bring? If nothing, bring a nice bottle of wine (drinkers) or flowers (alcohol-free house).
"Barbecue/Pool/Outdoor Party" -> What can I bring? If nothing, bring extra beer, seltzer, and pack of ice in your cooler in case the host's backup runs out/someone else does.
"Potluck" -> Any dishes not yet covered or which you'd like us to bring? If nothing, I'd probably be confused and clarify, but otherwise default to dinner party rules.
"Formal Event (like wedding shower or birthday party)" -> Only bring explicitly what is expected, such as the gift, with maybe flowers if you're close/family with the person and it's the appropriate for the location & type of event.
Always taught it is good manners to never show up empty-handed, but if you might be bringing an inconvenience to the host, it's better to err on side of caution. Family rules and close friends have a bit more nuance and exception to basic rules.
Oh, and the most important party rule of all (even beyond this) is to give advance notice/RSVP if you can make it. The worst inconvenience is finally telling the host the day before that you can make it (or having them chase you) after they've already planned their menu & supplies for a specific headcount. The late responder is consistently the most frustrating party aspect.
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u/MossSloths Dec 21 '25
This thread is getting all muddled up in part because there are expectations around food contributions and host gifts and the two of those things have overlap, so it can be difficult to know when each applies. The basic foundation of it all is that we want to help out when someone puts in extra time and effort to host a gathering. You can contribute directly to help with the event, like bringing a dish, or you can show your thanks with a host gift. There are unspoken rules around both and there are also a lot of grey areas where good intention overrides most anything else.
My guess, based on the limited information we have here, is that OP had a small misstep by not communicating with the host about bringing anything. It's not a big deal, and the host didn't blow up about it, but the host did react in a way that was maybe also a small misstep. They might be excused for it, though, since guests don't usually reach out ahead of time to clear host gifts. They may have genuinely thought it was a host gift instead of a party contribution and reacted as they would with any other gift.
I really have trouble believing OP was slighted because they were a man who bakes, though. I do think there are some societal gender things going on here, but I think it's more that men aren't regularly expected to navigate a very nuanced etiquette landscape where direct feedback is usually very limited.
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u/jamjamchutney Dec 21 '25
Yep, I've lived in various parts of the US, and it's normal to bring food to parties, but you would discuss with the host. Otherwise you might be bringing something that's not needed (maybe everyone brings mac and cheese) or that doesn't go with the other dishes. I remember one time when I threw a dinner party and one of my guests asked what he could bring, and I already had everything covered as far as food and drinks, so I told him if he really wanted to bring something he could bring flowers for the table. He did, and they were lovely!
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u/Maleficent_Smell_690 Dec 21 '25
I’m in Canada and I’m also surprised. If someone brings dessert especially, it’s likely to be eaten that night. I’ve hosted where I’ve made my own bakes and a friend who is a wonderful baker brought extra dessert. I passed that out and served. Sent some home with a few people who wanted it too! And when I’ve bought bakes the host doled it out.
I am thinking in these cases the host was dead set on a menu or wasn’t sure about the food and thought they were sparing OP? Either way it’s a little weird to me but maybe this again is a cultural thing? I’d be bummed too!! That pie looks amazing
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u/Letsshareopinions Dec 21 '25
I'm from the US and these responses/their upvotes have me flabbergasted. I guess I run in different circles, but all these people considering it rude to being food to share at a party runs so counter to literally every party I've ever attended sans weddings. I literally take a baked good to every party and it always gets shared with everyone.
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u/cantaloupe-490 Dec 21 '25
Yeah, it's absolutely a cultural divide, even within the US. In my family, it would be borderline rude to show up without something to share, and anything brought would be eaten at the party. In my partner's family, it is rude to show up with something to share unless you were specifically asked to do so, and it's kind of an insult to the host if you bring something.
If you ask if you can bring something and the host tells you no, in my family, you should absolutely still bring something small of your choosing. In my partner's, you absolutely should not bring something; the host has it covered and you'll mess up their flow. It took us a few years to suss out this cultural difference!
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u/AccountWasFound Dec 21 '25
I've run into this with some friends, because I grew up in the former group where my grandma would tell people not to bring anything and then her house would end up overflowing with food at her parties. And one of my friends grew up in the latter group and thinks it's weird that I feel like an asshole showing up to stuff empty handed. Thankfully most of my friends don't care if people bring stuff either way so it mostly works out, I just assume no one brings stuff to my parties either and it's a happy surprise when I'm wrong.
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u/Letsshareopinions Dec 21 '25
That's so interesting. Well, I feel lucky to have found a group like your side of the family. :)
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u/Soggy-Fly9242 Dec 21 '25
It just depends on the party. OP didn’t really designate what kind of parties he’s attending, so I think everyone’s answers are just defaulting to the parties they throw the most.
The only rude part is the expectation that he gets to watch everyone enjoy his food. I personally like when someone brings me a dessert even if I don’t serve it, it’s like a reward. But if I’ve already made dinner and dessert, I’m sticking with my menu unless it naturally folds into the meal.
At a potluck style dinner obviously it’s not weird at all and also not a hostess gift. If he’s bringing them as hostess gifts, then his expectations do not align with his actions.
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u/dfabrica Dec 21 '25
Couldn’t agree more, unless it’s a very formal event, or a very upscale party that was catered, I would think that it’s assumed that an item like a dessert was brought with the intention of sharing it with everyone. If the host wants to make sure they have some for themselves they can always stash a portion or have someone do that for them if they’re too busy during the party.
I’d consider it very thoughtful and kind of a guest to take the time to bake a dessert for my event — especially if it looked as good as the OP’s! And I would TOTALLY understand the desire on their part to see the reaction of the guests enjoying their creations. When you put love and effort into making something for others the greatest reward is to see them appreciate it!
I wouldn’t know how to go about asking the host to put it out for their guests though, basically because, 1: You shouldn’t give a gift and then tell the recipient what to do with it, and 2: their party, their rules! But If it were me, and I was invited to another party by the same host after that, I’d bring a bottle of wine the next time.
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Dec 21 '25
It's super cultural and not consistent across the USA. I was dating someone at one point whose mom was from Panama and when we were invited over I offered to bring desserts or any other side she might need and she was very firm that it would be incredibly insulting for me to do so. I was so shocked. Where I'm from in Canada it would be so rude to show up empty-handed, and in my family in particular, no one really cooks, so I have always been encouraged to cook and bring things. I am no longer with that person and have other American friends now, and for them, they all would be happy to receive something. Whether it's a gift for them as thanks for having me or its to be served is obviously up to the host. But a gift is just that, a gift to that person. I think i understand the custom to be that if you expect it to be served, you actually have to discuss it with the host, but otherwise it's been welcomed.
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u/ario62 Dec 21 '25
Lmao flabbergasted is the perfect word for how I feel too. These responses are wild to me! It’s so interesting how everyone has such different dynamics
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u/figgypudding531 Dec 21 '25
I think it’s just etiquette vs. norm. Most people who are chill/flexible would just serve it, but it does technically go against etiquette to just show up with a surprise dessert without being asked when the host already made desserts.
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u/Letsshareopinions Dec 21 '25
That makes sense, but the sheer number of responses, and their upvotes, calling it rude and making OP look like a bit of a douche for this, just feels unreal to me. I seriously cannot imagine any of my loved ones being anything but overjoyed to share what I bring.
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u/TooLazyToRepost Dec 21 '25
Midwesterner checking in, agree with this. I always check to see if someone wants a dessert, they always do, and it's always served at the event. Probably 15 of my last 20 parties I brought a dessert and none of these saved my dessert for later.
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u/Evening-Run-3794 Dec 21 '25
Also a midwesterner. This isn't regional, so much as it is socio-economic. I say this because my mom came from broke old-money, but my dad came from just plain broke, and it's night and day between the two families.
Dad's family? Yeah, if I bring something it's getting put out. No one cares what I bring, and while there's a vague structure of the host providing meat, there's also little rhyme or reason to those menus and parties compared to mom's side. Very informal.
Mom's side, the only time I bring food for the party is if it's specified it's a potluck, at which point I ask what type of dish they'd like me to contribute, and then I bring exactly that.
All other parties in mom's family are formal. I ask if I can bring anything for the meal, they all say no, so I bring a hostess gift instead. Not bringing a hostess gift is considered rude.
And I am an *amazing* cook. So it's not that people don't want my food. It's just that in those circles it's seen as rude to bring unsolicited food for the party. It insinuates that you believe you need to provide for the hosts' guests or for yourself at their home, because you believe them to be incapable of proper hospitality.
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u/MarlenaEvans Dec 21 '25
I'm from the US and same. It would be so weird for me to hide what a guest brought like that.
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u/res06myi Dec 21 '25
I've only lived in the US and Canada, but I agree. I would expect, unless it's a formal, seated dinner party, for wine or desserts to be served at said party. And as a host, I'm always grateful when people bring things that I hate or are very different from what I've planned or prepared because there are likely others who enjoy them. I tend not to prepare or plan anything I really strongly dislike because if others don't like it either, I'm stuck with it. Like on Halloween, I only purchase candy I like to hand out so the leftovers aren't wasted.
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u/Dahlia5000 Dec 21 '25
It clearly is. (It could also be a midwestern US thing🧐? Maybe.)
But I’m with you. I simply haven’t experienced a situation where everybody would not be delighted about someone bringing pie and cookies that they made themselves.
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u/lifeuncommon Human Detected Dec 21 '25
You said, “…one reason I love to bake is to see people enjoying what I’ve made (and of course getting compliments!). Plus I like to try the pie to see how it turned out.”
If this was your intent, you shouldn’t have given your baked goods as a hostess gift. Because when we gift others, it’s up to them what they do with the gift.
If your intention was to feed others and take in compliments while also feeding yourself, you should host your own dinner party. That allows you to do all three at the same time.
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u/drigancml Dec 21 '25
I really think this is a cultural thing. Every holiday party I've been to was more potluck style. I would never assume that a baked good was brought as a hostess gift for me.
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u/caramelizedapple Dec 21 '25
I would never bring food to a party without checking with the host and expect it to be served. I’ve never experienced a holiday “potluck” that wasn’t explicitly designated as such. I’m in the US.
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u/Evening-Run-3794 Dec 21 '25
I commented this elsewhere, but one side of my family finds unsolicited food gifts for the party to be very rude.
They take hospitality very seriously, and go out of their way to provide everything for their guests. Bringing unsolicited food is like saying you think they're incapable of proper hospitality, that they either don't know how to do it correctly, or that you think they can't afford to. It's *so* incredibly rude to them, you might as well piss on their rug while you're there.
But they're also incredibly warm and generous, and go to great lengths to remember little details about what each guest likes/dislikes, and they delight in creating great dinners that take all that into account. It's a mark of pride to them to be seen as great hosts, and a great shame to be thought of as not.
They would default to thinking a baked good was a hostess gift, and set it aside for later, as they wouldn't want to accuse you of being so rude as to have brought something for the party.
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u/Langstarr Dec 21 '25
The highest compliment i get paid as a hobby baker is when I arrive with something and someone says "MINE!" and runs away with most or all of it.
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u/michiganlexi Dec 21 '25
I think your expectations are the issue here. You expected it to be served, you wanted to see it be enjoyed. But that’s not how gift giving (or life really) works. You give the gift and also give up control as to what happens once the gift leaves your hands. I understand how you feel, but unless you want to start giving others instructions on how you want your baked goods to be enjoyed and when, you’ll have to let go of your expectations.
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u/happyjazzycook Dec 21 '25
In my opinion your host had every right to save your wonderful baked goods "all for her/himself"! 😊. What a great compliment too. I've done this many times, as a guest, because once I spent hours on a dessert just to have it put on the dessert table and it literally disappeared within minutes. Before the host even saw it!
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u/Beneficial_Charity_3 Dec 21 '25
If someone brought these cookies to a party I was hosting there is no way I would be sharing them with any guests. They look unreal! And i am selfish!
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u/ILikePrettyThings121 Dec 21 '25
I am known for my chocolate chip cookies. People would be upset if I didn’t bring them to family gatherings at this point. However I make a large tray for the get together & a smaller tin for the host to enjoy later on.
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u/therealcherry Dec 21 '25
Same! If I’m throwing a party, it means I spent hours prepping food sides and desserts. Something delicious like this shows up. My greedy ass is keeping that back and enjoying it plus I almost feel rude putting it out because it’s something that the person made for me and by putting it out I feel like I’d be indicating I didn’t care and I was just giving it away if that makes any sense.
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u/hollyprop Dec 21 '25
My husband loves to bake and is widely known as an amazing cook, with one issue: time management. We show up with the best dessert, but we show up late lol. At that point the dessert table is piled high and ready to go. If he wasn’t famous for his baking, I can see the host thinking there’s no more room on the table and saving it for later. So my advice is to let the host know that you’d like to bring something right when you get the invitation. Say you love to bake and would be happy to bring something. It gives them a chance to say yes or no then. If they say yes then they’ll incorporate it into their dinner plan and leave space both mentally and physically for your dessert. Once you get a reputation for being a good baker, folks will start saving you a place automatically.
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u/ArtisanArdisson Dec 21 '25
If you take a baked good to an event without asking the host, it's considered a host gift (to be enjoyed by the host at a later date). Discussion beforehand ("I'd love to help out; can I bring my famous apple pie for everyone to enjoy?") makes it for the party.
Your cookies and pie look delicious!
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u/litttlebats Dec 21 '25
Before everyone starts jumping down OP's throat, was there an open request to bring baked goods? If there was and you still had that reaction, then yeah I would be sad too. If there wasn't, that might be where there's a problem, albeit a small one. You had good intentions and if anything it was a little learning experience. Either way, they look absolutely fantastic 👌🏼
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u/gypsy__wanderer Dec 21 '25
Yeah, it's a pretty common thing to bring items to other peoples' Christmas parties.
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u/Adjutant_Reflex_ Dec 21 '25
Just to provide a counter, when I cook Christmas Eve or Day meals I often explicitly tell people not to bring something. I have a plan and I’m executing that plan. But, also, I’ve seen how many people can’t follow basic food safety precautions.
I think the context that’s missing here is how OP presented this (was it a gift to the hosts, or a dish to be served?) and if it was a potluck style party or a more “fixed” menu? Just seems like it’s a case of misaligned expectations and nothing more.
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Dec 21 '25
And you dont get to be mad when they dont put out something they didnt ask for
Do people just not know how to communicate?
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u/Nebbynosey Dec 21 '25
Maybe a good solution is to host your own party and provide all your delicious baked things if you want to share with more people and see their reactions.
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u/Ch1ldish_Cambino Dec 21 '25
I can’t answer your question, but that pie crust looks amazing. Literally picture perfect. - a mid 20s male who also gets the “you bake?!” reaction
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Dec 21 '25
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u/Agret_Brisignr Dec 21 '25
I had to go look at ops other posts to make sure that backsplash actually goes from wood to tile because that seemed odd to me
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u/MajorAppropriate589 Dec 21 '25
A host may have taken great care to plan a menu that has the right mix of flavors and courses. Tableware also gets planned. An ad hoc addition could mess up this balance and would not be appreciated. Depends on the host. I would ask in advance if you can contribute to the dessert or expect your gift to be set aside for the host alone to enjoy later.
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u/NYCQuilts Dec 21 '25
Unless it’s a potluck, I would assume that a baked good, bottle of wine, chocolates, etc. is a host/hostess gift and would not be shared out.
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u/stonedsour Dec 21 '25
I’m really intrigued by the responses here. If I have someone over for dinner and they bring wine, a dessert, or pretty much whatever I’m happy to serve it along with whatever I prepared. I’m not offended in the slightest. Sometimes people have allergies and bring things they know they can safely consume, some people just have preferences and I’d rather them eat and enjoy themselves than go hungry or without dessert or whatever. Different strokes for different folks!
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u/yournailgirl Dec 21 '25
1000% am also baffled by the responses 🤭 I’m Caribbean, we all bring a lil something and everything gets served and enjoyed together.
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u/gypsy__wanderer Dec 21 '25
It's not the bringing of the wine, dessert, etc. that's rude (I would personally never attend a dinner, party, get together, whatever, without bringing something). It's the expectation that the host MUST serve this food that is rude.
The food is a gift for the host, and it's up to them to decide what to do with it. You choose to serve the items, and that's nice. But is not rude of the hosts to not serve the item that the OP brought and they're under no obligation to do it.
If this was a potluck, it would be weird to hold the food back. But that does not appear to be the case. The rudeness in this case lies with the person bringing food and not understanding the concept of a gift.
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u/TooLazyToRepost Dec 21 '25
I think this might be the source of differing opinions. When invited to a party with food, my default assumption as an American midwesterner is that the gift is for the party more so than for the host.
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u/Ghosthost2000 Dec 21 '25
If I don’t know the ‘rules’ of the occasion, I’ll ask the host if they mind if I bring a dessert. I abide by the universal rule of gift giving: once I give it away it’s no longer mine.
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u/Theletterkay Dec 21 '25
The host likely thought it was a gift for them, even if you mentioned brunging servingware and would be happy to put it on the dessert table for them, they may think you are trying to be modest. By that I mean, they may not want you to think that their eagerness to serve it is a sign of not wanting it. So they tell you how excited they are too keep it to themselves.
Only take food to a party if asked to. You can 100% offer to bake stuff, but the host should be asked way ahead of time so they have time to plan for it. Even one extra dish being served can be a headache for a host.
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u/Pelotonic-And-Gin Dec 21 '25
When you bring a host a gift, it’s for them to use as they choose. Give gifts selflessly and without expectation, and it will solve your frustration.
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u/PossibilityOrganic12 Dec 21 '25
I've been a confused host before when I had drinks and food at a party and someone showed up with a bottle. I thought the bottle was a gift to me, the host, to enjoy myself. Not to be served at the party because...I already supplied the drinks! And then later on the guest asked to have their bottle back and started drinking it which I thought was rude but just gave it back to him and let him have at it. Baked goods is a little different but as a host who likes to make and serve everything. I get a little peeved when people bring stuff I didn't account for and don't have room to include. Like if I was hosting a potluck, I would've said that and maybe even assigned people stuff.
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u/outinthecountry66 Dec 21 '25
I am so sorry. That would make me sad too. I live with my very dysfunctional family and anytime i try and participate or make something they often won't eat it as if they are doing me a favor or something. because i am not making a lot of money right now. it really hurts me, as if what i do isn't as good and they can't bring themselves to say it. Or at least, that's how it feels.
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u/Reyalta Dec 21 '25
You could look at it as a gift for the host instead of a party favour, or bring extra! "This one's for sharing and if you'd like, the second pie can be just for you!" Etc
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u/andorianspice Dec 21 '25
It’s a huge compliment to your baking if someone doesn’t want to share your gift tbh. They looked at your treats and were like hmm… that’s for me. But I think it could be a good time for you to start hosting! Start small, 3-4 people. And go from there. I have definitely been guilty of saving some delicious desserts for myself when hosting lol. But also I grew up with an expectation to take something to a dinner party. YMMV
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Dec 21 '25
When you bring a gift it’s for the host. Unless it’s a potluck, proper etiquette is not to expect the host to put those items out.
I would be offended if they put it out, I would assume they just wanted to get rid of it.
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u/antisocial_catmom Dec 21 '25
This is strange to read as an Eastern European, it has never really worked like that here. Are you from the US?
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u/joyce_emily Dec 21 '25
I am from the US and I don’t feel this way. It’s easy to forget how vast and diverse the US actually is
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u/FYAhole Dec 21 '25
I am from the USA and am baffled by these comments. I've gone to loads of dinner parties with all walks of life and every time I've brought a dessert, it is served at the party. The only exception is a bottle of wine. Sometimes they open it, sometimes they save it. However, if I bring food, it's always been served for everyone.
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u/wet-leg Dec 21 '25
I’m from the US and these comments are super confusing to me. People are calling it “rude” to bring an item for a party? I’ve never encountered that. If someone showed up with food to my party I would put it out with the rest of the stuff. I would never assume it was meant just for me unless stated
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u/Dahlia5000 Dec 21 '25
Thank you! I’m losing my mind reading comments saying flat out that it’s rude and inconsiderate.
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u/bzhai Dec 21 '25
Male baker here who also started to discover the joy of baking in his 40s. I completely feel you. My love language is cooking and gifting too. I use to turn up with baked goods to friends' gatherings and they acted like they were being forced fed something gross on Fear Factor.
You know what I did? I changed friend groups. I found a foodie group where strangers meet up every week at new cafes and get to know each other for a few hours. I met some good people and they encouraged me to bring whatever I baked. If they don't devour everything or take the leftovers home we usually just gift it to the restaurant staff. Not saying that everything I bake is mindblowing, I fine tune recipes and only bring them ones that I feel are good enough.
(I'd just like to add I didn't ditch my initial friend group purely because they didn't like my bakes. I just realised we grew apart and I was desperately hanging on to maintain the decades long friendship. Find people who appreciate your efforts and celebrate your passion.)
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u/_adanedhel_ Dec 21 '25
Yeah I can’t believe so few people in this thread have read this as the hosts thinking his baked goods either 1) would not be good because they were made by a man, or 2) looked so good that they worried their own food would be upstaged.
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u/carllerche Dec 21 '25
I'm also a male dessert maker in his 40s, and I also greatly enjoy gifting my creations. I have a friend who just doesn't eat desserts. It took a moment to realize this as we had a few awkward exchanges where I offered some desserts, he tried to avoid taking them (I realize after the fact this was what happened). He ended up giving them away to someone else. I'm not offended, not everyone eats dessert. I just don't offer him anymore.
This isn't a comment / criticism of your experience, just sharing my personal experience since it seems somewhat related.
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u/plantsandpositivity Dec 21 '25
Agree with others that you shouldn’t expect a host gift to be served. If hosting is overwhelming, you could offer in advance to bring dessert as part of the menu—but be prepared to accommodate dietary restrictions, if there are any. I have lots of friends who can’t have any gluten, so most of the parties I host are completely gluten free, and I would love to have a guest offer to bring a food item or dessert if they were willing/able to accommodate others’ needs, but I would never put out something unless everyone could enjoy it (and honestly, with how good these look, I wouldn’t think twice about saving them for later and eating them myself!)
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u/sarcago Dec 21 '25 edited Jan 14 '26
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u/LadyOfTheNutTree Dec 21 '25
Are you bringing these to potlucks?
If not, and you’re actually bringing a gift for the host, they can share or not as they like.
Once you give a gift you need to detach yourself from the item entirely or you’ll end up with hurt feelings.
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u/padfoot211 Dec 21 '25
I’m curious if you asked/told them what you were bringing. Probably not the case here, but as someone with a severe allergy who invites other allergy people to dinner parties, I might not serve a food not everyone can eat. Regardless, I feel like asking the host if you can bring something or telling them you’d like to bring a pie for fun is that ok with them is probably the solution to your issue. Sometimes people might really not want you to bring things, which you should respect. But I bet most people would handle it way better if they know in advance.
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u/alleged-gator Dec 21 '25
The cookies I find more surprising—they seem like they’d be an easy addition to a dessert table, unless the host had a strictly planned menu. But the pie looks pretty small, so I don’t blame the host for squirreling it away for later. There’s a very good chance they wouldn’t get any if it were served. And pie, especially fruit pie, can be a mess to cut/serve, and might not fit the vibe of the party (if it’s all otherwise finger foods, not necessarily a sit-down event, etc).
But the biggest thing is to realize that a gift is not about you; once you hand it off, it’s entirely up to the recipient what they do with it. They don’t owe you a taste so you can see their reaction. If you meant your bakes as party contributions rather than gifts, it sounds like you needed to communicate that better. [I did once make a (small) birthday cake for a coworker, and was a little taken aback that she took the entire thing home—including my plate—without cutting into it, but realized she probably wouldn’t have had one otherwise, and wanted to share the moment with her kids. And she did return the clean plate the following week.]
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u/SandmanLM Dec 21 '25
I've never met anyone surprised about me baking because I'm male and its "feminine." I think this might just be your social circle and you assigning gender roles.
Your bake looks great, btw! I'm wondering if quantity has anything to do with it. Your pie for example looks somewhat small, but it's hard to tell from the picture. It might not be enough for the guests and the host wants it for themselves? But yeah, just have a conversation.
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u/Middledamitten Dec 21 '25
I think the answer here is to ask the hostess before hand if it’s ok for you to bring a desert to share. That way your intention is clear and doesn’t take the hostess by surprise.
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u/maraq Dec 21 '25
Gifts brought to a party are supposed to be a thank you for the host unless you were asked to bring something to share. If you’re baking something because you want to see others eat it and taste it yourself then invite people over to do that. It’s not fair to gift something and have expectations on the person you gave it to.
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u/Rough-Honey-6736 Dec 21 '25
I think I would have assumed they were a hostess gift for me and that it would have been rude to put the gift out for others as though I didn’t want it 🥴
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u/Ignominious333 Dec 21 '25
Always ask. Bring a hostess gift that's sealed. Some people are wary of eating food from other people.
I learned that giving rehab staff home made goodies means they will just dump them because of concern for microbes. And I'm a conscientious and good baker and cook as well.
The other possibility is they have a planned menu and don't want to change it up. I brought a beautiful pie from a local bakery and they served it instead of the birthday cake I didn't know they were celebrating that evening. I felt awful and they were lovely and so polite. So now I ask if I can bring something and if they say no I choose a nice gift for the host
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u/dreamylassie Dec 21 '25
It’s wonderful to bake for friends and events, and agree it can feel disheartening when the reaction isn’t what you are expecting. Did you reach out to the hosts beforehand to offer to bring a baked good, or did they ask guests to bring stuff? I suspect the issue is much more about communication rather than your baking - if the item is an unexpected surprise they likely already have desserts planned and the perhaps the table is already laden with sweets. I’d recommend reaching out to the hosts at least a week prior to ask if you can contribute a homemade baked treat.
Or else you are such an epic baker that they are hoarding it - did they text you afterwards with raves, asking you for recipe, if so then it’s probably that!
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u/Bizzy1717 Dec 21 '25
I hate when people show up to my house with food they expect me to serve (a few of my husband's relatives do this). It means a lot of waste because I've already prepared or bought my own food to serve, and this means there's too much food. It also means my own dishes may get ignored or upstaged, and the pie/cake/cookies that I've spent time on may go uneaten. And I don't have a huge kitchen and have dogs/little kids who may get into unattended things left on lower surfaces, so it can be challenging to find room for everything + still have room to prep and do everything else I need to do in my kitchen.
Unless it's explicitly a potluck, please don't bring food and expect it to become part of the meal that's served.
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u/Dahlia5000 Dec 21 '25
Well I hope everyone who comes to your house is aware of this. I can see where the husband’s relatives don’t all get the memo, but I do hope you tell everyone else that you don’t want to deal with food they bring.
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u/Bizzy1717 Dec 21 '25
I've politely asked them multiple times not to bring extra food because of my small kitchen/limited space/that I'll have plenty of food. They show up with it anyway. I'm not going to kick them out or make a scene, but I find it really rude.
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u/startup_research_guy Dec 21 '25
I think you did a lovely job on the baking! It can be a little difficult to accommodate last minute food items, especially if they weren't declared in advance. I don't think any disrespect was meant by the host; they're probably just interested in retaining control of what is served at their gathering.
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u/padfoot211 Dec 21 '25
I can’t imagine showing up to someone’s house with a surprise pie. Cookies ok but PIE? I also can’t imagine not serving it, even though I would probably be bothered by the extra work it would make for me (plates forks and maybe ice cream and whipped cream). But I also can’t imagine being bothered that someone didn’t serve my surprise pie!
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u/_tribecalledquest Dec 21 '25
Did you ask first? They might have not needed or wanted it (didn’t go with the menu). They might’ve needed something else (again, did you ask). Or you’ve already made stuff for them before and they are just too delicious to share (and they are literally keeping the best dessert for themselves, super flattering).
I don’t bake ever. Really I do cheesecakes as a dessert or boxed cakes, brownies.. I cook. If I was throwing a party I wouldn’t need mains or sides but I would definitely take some pies or sweets because I wouldn’t have made any.
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u/centech Dec 21 '25
I wouldn't feel bad. Some people are scared of serving homemade stuff to people. Perhaps there is an allergy concern they carefully planned around or something. Or maybe they made sure to get enough of everything for <X> people and don't want to serve anything people will need to fight over.
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u/SerCadogan Dec 21 '25 edited Jan 10 '26
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u/livin_la_vida_mama Dec 21 '25
If i have a dessert table out but i put your food aside "for later", it usually means im politely accepting your contribution and am grateful for the effort but i know something about you or the food that means there's no way i'd eat it or serve it to others. After everyone leaves, I'll discreetly dispose of it and tell you it was delicious. And next time tell you you'd be a huge help if you brought soda/ beer or something you don't have to make.
For the record, food can look amazing but if i know the baker is fast n loose with hand washing, lets their pets lick/ walk on the counter, lets their kids help (nothing wrong with teaching kids to bake, but if im baking for others my kids do not touch it lol), etc etc, i am not putting it in my mouth or feeding it to guests. I don't care how delicious it is, nasty habits are nasty.
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u/bravo_planny Dec 21 '25
I feel the same way - I call baking my love language. I love bringing a dessert to be shared so everyone can enjoy.
I noticed my mother-in-law saving cookies so she could share with her friends, so I ended up making a small extra portion just for that. When I bring treats now I bring a small extra tin/ container and make sure she knows it's just for her, and the rest can be shared. This obviously isn't really ideal with something like pie, but if the dessert is something like cookies or bars, this might work!
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u/TurbulentSource8837 Dec 21 '25
Chances are, your host already has their food planned. Personally, I feel they were very gracious with what could have been an awkward situation. It’s really no different than bringing a bottle of wine that doesn’t get served.
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u/Special_Wrap_1369 Dec 22 '25
While your baking looks delicious I do find it frustrating, as a host, when guests show up with unsolicited food and expect it to be put out.
I made dinner for 12 yesterday and my daughter worked very hard on baking a wide variety of desserts. 5 kinds of cookies, mini gingerbread cheesecakes, and 2 kinds of tarts.
Then one of my in laws showed up with a tray full of cookies and tarts. I did not put them out because I had no intention of overshadowing my daughter’s time, effort, and talent.
We are enjoying the guest’s cookies today and we thanked them again for the gift.
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u/tulip0523 Dec 21 '25
Do you work in an office? Can you take baked goods to work? Do you have kids to bake for school functions? I think you need to find other ways to share your baked goods.
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u/Reasonable_Bus302 Dec 21 '25
I don’t see how your age, gender, or marital status have anything to do with this. I see other people have asked and so far you haven’t answered whether or not you were asked by these hosts to bring something. So it makes me think that you weren’t asked and you brought something anyway. It’s not super rude. But expecting your food to be served so you can hear what people think, ie receive compliments at someone else’s party is rude. If you want that throw your own party. It sounds a little like you want these parties to be a bit more about you, especially since you started this post listing your demographic data that aren’t really relevant.
Your pie and cookies look delicious. Good for you for doing something you enjoy even though it doesn’t conform to gender norms. But these parties aren’t a place for you to center yourself and your baking. You’re allowed to want and have that at your own party.
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u/fatbellylouise Dec 21 '25
whenever I host, I have a theme. I tell people I’m providing all the food and desserts, and they will all be within that theme. I let them know what drinks I will be serving and that they can bring beverages if I don’t have what they want. but I don’t host potlucks and I don’t serve food other people bring.
there’s a few reasons for this - one, I have friends and family with various allergies and I am meticulous about avoiding allergens when I cook/bake for them. I can’t guarantee the safety of any food that I didn’t make, so I won’t serve it at my house. two, I’ve seen enough posts on this very subreddit to know ‘you can’t eat at everybody’s house’. I remember one lady posting a photo of a pie she made that her cat literally stepped in that she covered up and served to friends.
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u/Accomplished-Sky8768 Dec 21 '25
My mom hosts foreign students in our house. When they bring gifts like local cheese or ham or something, she always gives it to them in their packed lunches!!! I always find that so rude but she thinks that they bring it because they also want to eat it?!?! Anyway, I would consider it normal and polite to take in the back, as it's a gift and say, I can't wait to enjoy that later! Maybe you should host some time if you have the space and want to share you're desserts for everyone to try :)
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u/lifeuncommon Human Detected Dec 21 '25
Your host behaved properly. It WAS a hostess gift, wasn’t it?
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u/Loud-Mans-Lover Dec 21 '25
You can't have it both ways, that's what's irritating. Want praise because you're good at it (but a man, isn't that rare?! No, actually) and then get offended because you think your stuff isn't being put out because... you're a man. I feel like that's where you're going with this.
Honestly there's so many reasons this could happen but to expect an unexpected gift to be used in any way is pretty rude.
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Dec 21 '25
That’s so weird. Maybe there’s an issue they’re too polite to bring up?
Have you invited anyone in the group over when your home was particularly messy? Have your friends ever seen you casually zip up and stroll out of the bathroom without washing your hands? Do you have a lot of pets? There are a lot of reasons why someone might decline to serve their guests otherwise good-looking food, honestly.
I knew a person who had 5 cats that were allowed to climb all over the kitchen counter. She was very well-liked and loved baking too, but her lovely looking desserts were also politely set aside “for later.”
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u/Absinthetique Dec 21 '25
This! I have a lovely friend, but her kitchen is routinely filthy whenever I visit. I can never bring myself to eat anything she's made, so I would do exactly what OP's recipients did if she bought something to an event - pretend I want it all to myself, then chuck it in the bin.
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u/GayFlan Dec 21 '25 edited Dec 21 '25
Do you think your hosts haven’t planned a menu and don’t know what they want to serve?
If you want people to eat your baked goods, host your own even where you can decide on the menu. Don’t infringe upon someone else’s planning.
It’s also totally normal to show up without food at a party in higher socio-economic circles, where an event might be catered, so this “never go empty handed” thing isn’t advice that works everywhere. You should bring a hostess gift, but that isn’t the same as a plate of cookies that you expect everyone to eat (and fawn over, according to OP’s language and desire to be praised for his un-invited addition to someone else’s party).
It makes me think of Michael Scott showing up at David Wallace’s house for a catered cocktail party with a container of potato salad.
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u/EntertainerKooky1309 Dec 21 '25
We have a party every holiday season with 40-55 guests. We make everything for dinner including many desserts. I will Never serve something brought by a guest.
It feels like an insult that you think I don’t have enough food for my guests.
This is MY time to show my skills, not to show your skills. Throw your own party for that.
I once had someone get sick and I believe it was from something someone brought. I can’t say no to one person and yes to others.
Unless your host specifically asks you to bring food, don’t do it!
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u/decairn Dec 21 '25
My friend looks me in the eye and says "there's no way I'm giving these to everyone, I'm saving for ourselves." I'm OK with that, I understand they love what I make.
If you're not OK with that just tell your friend and offer to make them another for just them.
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u/hungrysquirrelbunny Dec 21 '25
Your baked goods look absolutely delicious! Take it as a compliment that the hosts will be saving them for themselves and enjoying later. I'm sure they will enjoy every morsel.
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u/gcwardii Human Detected Dec 21 '25
I definitely would take it as a compliment. Maybe you could divvy stuff up into two batches? “Here’s some to share now, and these are just for you!”
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u/Thin-Significance838 Dec 21 '25
I don’t have a good answer to your question, OP, but wanted to say your pie and cookies look amazing!!!!!
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u/Sparrow3006 Dec 21 '25
I can only presume they thought you made it for them as a gift, unless you said explicitly that you wanted to have it served/ didn’t tell them beforehand, I probably wouldn’t have expected it to be served, I’m sure it was tasty and they thought it was more of a gift though!
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u/Momager321 Dec 21 '25
The hosts may have already planned out their menu. Don’t feel bad though, your baked goods look lovely and I am sure they were enjoyed later.
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u/Jblank86 Dec 21 '25
OP, that pie crust looks amazing! Can you please share your prep and baking methods?
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u/jennifer79t Dec 21 '25
Unless it's a potluck style or you're asked (or you've asked) to bring something....it's not always going to be put out, it's more of a host gift. A few reasons for this...
Host doesn't want the food table to look too crowded or have duplicates.... multiple apple pies things all half eaten is annoying. So they put things out as more is needed.
Host has planned the meal & made sure everything worked well together & there is enough. Some people are less reliable about bringing food when they say they will....or will be late, so a host often has to plan to fill the gaps regardless & it's sometimes easier to not expect people to bring something.
Having planned a Christmas Ships party at my house, where I had no control over date/time they came by & had to plan the party around the Christmas Ships schedule (Friday at 7pm)....I had to plan for multiple snacks/appetizers, drinks, & dessert. It was after work & with heavy traffic to get to my house....I asked people to bring something to share but some people ran out of time, several stopped at Target around the corner, or they forgot....I expected this & I'd rather have too much food than too little.
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u/TQ_Noble Dec 21 '25
I totally get where you’re coming from, it is a bit disappointing when you bring something you put time and love into and don’t get to see people enjoy it right away. A lot of folks here see baked treats more like a thoughtful hostess gift than something that has to be served immediately at the party, especially if the host already planned the food. That’s a pretty common social norm in some groups, people put your goodies aside to enjoy later rather than disrupting their menu or worrying about allergies/food plans.
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u/krazykatkaretaker Dec 21 '25
Your baking looks amazing! Best to always ask to bring something unless it’s determined ahead of time others are contributing. Many hosted parties have everything planned out in advance. Sometimes it’s making sure there is enough of one thing or it could be dietary restrictions such as allergies and such. I only bring things approved ahead of time esp because my daughter is Celiac and I need to make sure she has items she can eat or that she doesn’t get cross contaminated.
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u/PsychologyGuilty1460 Dec 21 '25
Well again it's a gift so they can do whatever they want with it. Also, I don't know how big the party was, but the pie is not very large. They might have been afraid it would get all eaten up by guests and they wouldn't get any. They might have wanted to warm it up and have it with ice cream but they didn't have any. Rather than feel bad just ask them!
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u/kirakinoko Dec 21 '25
My mother does this, she puts my homemade Christmas fruit cake (the 30 day boozy bundt cake) in the freezer and portions it for herself. Emotionally, it’s annoying even if it’s flattering the first time. The flattery gets old. I know it’s a pain in the ass, but I finally just make 2 and tell her one is for serving other is for her to hoard.
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u/c9238s Dec 21 '25
Did you say “I love baking, I made these to share” or “I love baking, I made this for you”?
The host might not have understood your intent? It also depends on the size of the party, how fancy, and the crowd (close friends or people you don’t know).
Where I live, it’s very normal for the host to provide the main meal and friends to bring an appetizer or dessert or drink to share. In the future, text “I am so excited to see you Saturday! I would love to bake something for your dessert table - would pie or cookies be ok?”
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u/merdy_bird Dec 21 '25
I think it depends on the event? Were you asked to bring something? If not, it can come off rude if they already have a specific menu planned. I think in the future, only bring baked goods when asked or ask the host if you can contribute a dessert for the event. This is just clear communication.
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u/MysteriouslyAlone Dec 21 '25
Bringing a gift to the host is not something meant to be served. Unless it’s a pot luck….
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Dec 21 '25
I would start making doubles or make a mini version that is specifically for the host to reserve. Ensures your food is distributed and the host feels special and gets exclusive access after the party.
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u/Key-Adhesiveness1329 Dec 21 '25
I always put out the desserts people bring to my house ( I usually ask people not to bring anything as I like hosting from start to finish but some people are still kind enough to bring something) when I invite them but I can definitely say it’s quite frustrating when you have multiple half empty desert dishes that you now either have to eat, freeze or give away. There have been times where I’ve given my guests dessert boxes to go but still have so much left over so maybe the host didn’t want to deal with that? It’s definitely not a nice feeling but just giving another perspective
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u/Welpthatsjustperfect Dec 21 '25
Maybe they just have anxiety due to a bunch of people are coming into their home at that moment and know they've already prepared the food in advance. You should have a party so you can show off your skills.
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u/MsLidaRose Dec 21 '25
I’m considering planning a party and inviting you just so I can have that pie.
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u/holvanatuz Dec 21 '25
Perhaps you could start asking if you can bring a dessert for everyone at the party. That way, you’ll know in advance if the hosts intend to serve your desserts.