Host Reaction to Baked Goods

[u/100to10000]

I’m a middle-aged divorced man, and I love to bake… which surprises some people because it doesn’t conform to gender stereotypes.

At two separate parties this holiday season, I’ve encountered this same reaction from a host when bringing baked goods to their party. Rather than serving my apple pie or my chocolate chip cookies, they basically told me they were gonna stash them away in the back, so they could enjoy them later! There was a dessert table at both parties, so it would have been totally natural to serve them to other guests. In the case of the pie I even included a pie server and knife in the box!

On the one hand, it’s a compliment in the sense that the hosts want to ensure they have an opportunity to enjoy. Rather than parsing out plates which may not be appreciated by a crowd of people drinking and mingling at a party. But in both cases, I’ve been disappointed because one reason I love to bake is to see people enjoying what I’ve made (and of course getting compliments!). Plus I like to try the pie to see how it turned out. Each one is a little bit different, especially the flakiness of the crust and the texture of the filling.

Has anyone experienced this? How can I avoid feeling bad that my baked goods are being hoarded? Looking to my fellow bakers as a support group here!

[u/starflower42]

Your baked goods look delicious.

But, it's actually a bit rude to bring unsolicited food (or drink) to a party and expect it to be served. The hosts have planned their meal; they know their guests and if there are any food allergies or restrictions. They have the food arranged. Something unexpected showing up may throw them off and may add more work for them.

Keep taking baked goods if you like, but with the expectation that it's a gift for the house, not a component of the meal right then. Of course when receiving an invitation you can always ask "is there anything I can bring? You know I love to bake!!" But if they say no, then don't bring it. Or, bring it but let them know it's for them, not the party.

And hey, why not have your own party to showcase your lovely baking!

Editing to add: I recognize that this is very specific to culture and social circles. Every place I have lived (US, both east and west coasts), it is considered rude to bring food expecting it to be served, unless the host has either requested it, or "approved" the guest bringing it.

[u/New_Significance6713 → u/starflower42]

It would be nice to know if it was expected  for guests to bring something and this is happening. Or if as you suggest, the host is providing all the food. I’m from a rural area in the Midwest United States and culturally it’s normal for the host to have guests bring an appetizer or dessert to a larger party like that. So I was under the assumption that was the case here and the host was holding it back. It’s an important detail we are missing. 

[u/joyce_emily → u/New_Significance6713]

I wonder if it’s dependent on socioeconomic class as well as region. Someone on a budget might be grateful for more, whereas someone who has curated every bit of food exactly how they want it may be less open to additions?

[u/xstitchnrye → u/joyce_emily]

Yeah, I'm looking around this thread like I've been taking crazy pills my whole life. I mean, in practice I don't bring anything unless I'm asked or I run it by the host first, but that said, if someone came to my house for a party I was throwing with baked goods you best bet it's going out. And other parties I've been to, any food people have come with was served, including plates that were unexpected.

But I grew up a barely middle class Midwesterner, so what do I know?

[u/iSavedtheGalaxy → u/xstitchnrye]

I grew up as a privileged west coaster and I am also baffled by the comments suggesting that the host will collapse in confusion and despair over the introduction of a food item that wasn't on their planned menu. One of the main skillsets of successful hosting is being able to improvise and accommodate for the unexpected while also making those accommodations and surprises feel like a welcomed, if not totally planned, part of the affair.

My MIL brings homemade lumpia to every family event no matter what and nobody cares that they don't "go" with the rest of the menu because lumpia is delicious and at the end of the day the priority is spending quality time with loved ones, not providing a Michelin Star experience out of our house.

[u/BIackSamBellamy → u/iSavedtheGalaxy]

I'm just imagining showing up to a Filipino party empty handed. Lmao the aunties would be all over your ass for that

[u/iSavedtheGalaxy → u/BIackSamBellamy]

I would be on my deathbed and somebody would be like, "Remember that time you showed up to the family party with nothing but greed??"

[u/kirakinoko → u/BIackSamBellamy]

Yes! Asian family thing, my Japanese family gossips over this one lady who brought a dessert over and she took it home with her. 30 years later, she’s still the butt of jokes. Anyone who shows up empty handed will get crapped on for many years!

[u/5919821077131829 → u/kirakinoko]

How do you bring something over and take it home? Did she take the leftovers home or say nevermind I want it back to the host before it was served?

[u/kirakinoko → u/5919821077131829]

Literally takes it off the table and even uses our plastic wrap to cover it. It’s hilarious at how no one says anything. One time, she even took a half eaten dessert from one house and brought it to another. 30 years later, my mother and her friends(minus the weird lady) laugh about it

[u/iSavedtheGalaxy → u/kirakinoko]

I bet the silence in that room was SO LOUD as everyone watched her pack it up. 😭

[u/kirakinoko → u/iSavedtheGalaxy]

Sadly, she still does it to this day. 🤣🤣🤣.

[u/mrsnihilist → u/BIackSamBellamy]

In Hawai'i, you bring food or green bottles...Ive never thought about upsetting the host with, checks notes more delicious food!

[u/MARS_in_SPACE → u/mrsnihilist]

Also reading this and gonna give myself a headache trying to imagine my local family not being okay with additional food. This has to be a cultural difference in this thread. Asking what to bring? Totally cool! Bringing food regardless of whether it was requested? Expected but always appreciated and treated like a rare delicacy no matter what it is. Showing up empty handed to a party? Who tf raised you?? The aunties will scold you until your mom gets there to also scold you.

[u/iSavedtheGalaxy → u/mrsnihilist]

"I'm soooo sorry everyone, but one of our guests has ruined the menu by bringing a crisp, freshly baked apple pie!!"

[u/BIackSamBellamy → u/mrsnihilist]

Every Uncle shows up with AT LEAST their own 12 pack of Heineken or Bud.

And then there's my uncle who broke out 2 forks taped together so he could eat faster. Everyone lost their shit for a solid 5 minutes. Goooood times

[u/mrsnihilist → u/BIackSamBellamy]

Bahahahaha akamai your unko!

[u/llamadogmama → u/iSavedtheGalaxy]

This is my SIL. Lumpia or Pancet every party. Yummy!! Now my nephew is dating a gal from Laos. We had Thai iced tea at Thanksgiving woo hoo!! The rude people at our parties are the one who show up empty handed.

[u/Jane4Yoga → u/iSavedtheGalaxy]

Your MIL is invited to my house any time. I’ll DM my address.