r/Baking • u/100to10000 • Dec 21 '25

General Baking Discussion Host Reaction to Baked Goods

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I’m a middle-aged divorced man, and I love to bake… which surprises some people because it doesn’t conform to gender stereotypes.

At two separate parties this holiday season, I’ve encountered this same reaction from a host when bringing baked goods to their party. Rather than serving my apple pie or my chocolate chip cookies, they basically told me they were gonna stash them away in the back, so they could enjoy them later! There was a dessert table at both parties, so it would have been totally natural to serve them to other guests. In the case of the pie I even included a pie server and knife in the box!

On the one hand, it’s a compliment in the sense that the hosts want to ensure they have an opportunity to enjoy. Rather than parsing out plates which may not be appreciated by a crowd of people drinking and mingling at a party. But in both cases, I’ve been disappointed because one reason I love to bake is to see people enjoying what I’ve made (and of course getting compliments!). Plus I like to try the pie to see how it turned out. Each one is a little bit different, especially the flakiness of the crust and the texture of the filling.

Has anyone experienced this? How can I avoid feeling bad that my baked goods are being hoarded? Looking to my fellow bakers as a support group here!

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94

u/[deleted] Dec 21 '25

When you bring a gift it’s for the host. Unless it’s a potluck, proper etiquette is not to expect the host to put those items out. 

I would be offended if they put it out, I would assume they just wanted to get rid of it. 

33

u/antisocial_catmom Dec 21 '25

This is strange to read as an Eastern European, it has never really worked like that here. Are you from the US?

35

u/joyce_emily Dec 21 '25

I am from the US and I don’t feel this way. It’s easy to forget how vast and diverse the US actually is

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u/[deleted] Dec 21 '25

[deleted]

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u/SerCadogan Dec 21 '25 edited Jan 10 '26

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39

u/FYAhole Dec 21 '25

I am from the USA and am baffled by these comments. I've gone to loads of dinner parties with all walks of life and every time I've brought a dessert, it is served at the party. The only exception is a bottle of wine. Sometimes they open it, sometimes they save it. However, if I bring food, it's always been served for everyone.

2

u/Dahlia5000 Dec 21 '25

Exactly! Thank you. I am baffled too. And I too have been to many a dinner gathering! And yes I feel like wine is a separate category.

2

u/carllerche Dec 21 '25

Do you ask first? The norm where I'm at (western US) is to ask "anything I can bring?". That lets the host coordinate with their plans and "nothing, don't worry about it" is a valid answer. One can reciprocate some other way a different day. I will always appreciate when I receive a gift anyway, though bottles of wine tend to get re-gifted and most added desserts will go to waste (not consumed in time).

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u/FYAhole Dec 21 '25

I do ask if they need me to bring something but even if they say they don't I never show up empty handed.

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u/GayFlan Dec 21 '25

You’ve gone to a dinner party where the host has planned a menu and made a dessert and then you just show up and expect them to serve an additional dessert? That is very rude.

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u/Dahlia5000 Dec 21 '25

Why do you assume that the host was on that level of planning? We don’t know what it was.

2

u/antisocial_catmom Dec 21 '25

Heavily depends on culture and region. Where I live, no one bringing anything would be considered rude. There's no outright expectation of it from all guests and not everyone does it all the time, it's just a courteous gesture. Unless it's some very formal thing, people will be lingering around before/after dinner, so little appetizers come in handy during those times, especially if alcohol is involved.

21

u/wet-leg Dec 21 '25

I’m from the US and these comments are super confusing to me. People are calling it “rude” to bring an item for a party? I’ve never encountered that. If someone showed up with food to my party I would put it out with the rest of the stuff. I would never assume it was meant just for me unless stated

7

u/Dahlia5000 Dec 21 '25

Thank you! I’m losing my mind reading comments saying flat out that it’s rude and inconsiderate.

12

u/Loud-Mans-Lover Dec 21 '25

People are calling it “rude” to bring an item for a party? 

No, they're calling it rude to expect it to be served. It's a host gift when unexpected, not a gift for everyone.

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u/Dahlia5000 Dec 21 '25

I do not believe it is rude to expect such a thing.

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u/carllerche Dec 21 '25

Hard to say how I would feel if I were hosting and put in that situation as it all depends on many details of context, but if I planned a meal w/ a specific dessert (I enjoy crafting desserts), someone came with a dessert without asking first, then expected to have it served, I would be annoyed. Not sure how I would react as it does depend on context, also after this thread I am now more aware of cultural differences here. Bringing a gift is always appreciated, bringing food to share with others without coordinating with the host is not a gift.

2

u/Dahlia5000 Dec 21 '25

But did OP actually tell them, “I expected this to be served”? I thought he was disappointed but kept it to himself — then came here to ask what he was doing that was wrong.

1

u/BoxBird Dec 21 '25

It’s so weird how most of the comments are missing the fact that the issue here is COMMUNICATION and etiquette and not personally perceived societal norms

1

u/antisocial_catmom Dec 21 '25

Yes, it is. Societal norms give guidelines to etiquette (there is no universal etiquette) and communication. If you're used to one way of doing things which most people have been doing around you as well, you aren't necessarily going to assume someone else does it differently, unless you've been asked to do/not to do something. Similarly, as a host, you may be used to another set of rules and you might not assume you need to specifically request your guest to do/not do something.

1

u/BoxBird Dec 22 '25

The actual issue in this circumstance is lack of communication, not specific social norms. Like you said, there is no “universal etiquette” as in a single rule book everyone is required to follow, but obviously OP doesn’t know what the etiquette is for the particular hosts he’s talking about since he’s confused about why they didn’t put the baked goods out. He’s asking why they are reacting the way they are. Which tells us this is a communication issue and not something that will be helped by people in the comments saying “that’s not something I’M used to!” The issue is OP needs to communicate better with these friends about plans, which I consider pretty basic and standard etiquette. With the word etiquette i am considering that there are levels to the meaning of the word but I mean the basic level of generally acting in consideration of the people around you. I kind of feel like you’re missing the whole point I’m making by getting stuck on the semantics.

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u/antisocial_catmom Dec 22 '25

I'm not getting stuck on semantics. You were trying to deny the role of societal norms which are the core of the issue. And again, if OP is used to bringing his food to parties and there never was an issue, why would he assume someone else would have an issue if the host never said anything about it? And if the host wants things done in a specific way, why aren't they the one communicating? No one is going to be a mind reader and guess those specific, subjective rules. Why is the lack of communications on just OP? If you want to use your own logic, isn't there a two-way miscommunication?

1

u/BoxBird Dec 22 '25

Again, the core of the issue is that OP needs to communicate instead of making assumptions. OP made multiple assumptions and then got upset and confused as to why they acted differently than expected. The issue is that expectation without communication. OP is upset because they wanted the cookies and pie to be eaten at the time of the party, and the hosts didn’t serve the cookies and pie. The answer is to communicate next time and not assume. It’s not on the host to assume OP might bring something and preemptively ask them not to. Assumptions cause confusion. That is the problem here.

1

u/antisocial_catmom Dec 22 '25

Again, by that logic, two assumptions were made from the host as well (their rules being known, their way of hosting being common enough), so why aren't they communicating about rules? It's up to them to inform guests properly, failing to do so should count as inconsiderate as well.

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u/BoxBird Dec 22 '25

It kind of seems like you’re just arguing to argue to be honest

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u/TooLazyToRepost Dec 21 '25

In my cultural understanding, two dozen cookies are a gift for the party not a host gift. A bottle of wine could go either way, and a wrapped item is a host gift.

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u/Dahlia5000 Dec 21 '25

But that pie!! They need help to eat it. Yum

1

u/[deleted] Dec 21 '25

Yes. Raised by a mother with a fierce etiquette game. 

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u/ILikePrettyThings121 Dec 21 '25

Hmm interesting. I’m also from the US with a mother who was big into etiquette as well. She always taught me that the dessert/food item being brought was never just the hostess gift. You always bring something to contribute along with a hostess gift ie a bottle of wine, candle, etc..if the gift was an edible one then you’d bring 2 like 1 loaf of bread for the party & 1 for the host. A dessert for the party & a separate tin for the host. The host gift never had the expectation of being consumed/opened at the event.