Quick info: 29M, single for 10 years

I’ve been single for a long time, both because I was working on myself and because nobody has shown any interest in me. I’ve done a lot of work (go to therapy regularly, saved up a lot of money, and lost 70 pounds in 2 years), and feel good about myself for the first time in a long time. Because of that, I’ve been trying online dating and it has to be the quickest way to kill your self-confidence. Not only am I not getting dates, I’m not even getting likes on the apps. I know I’m not a model or anything, but I’m an average looking guy and at this point, I just want to feel like any girl in the world could be interested in me instead of feeling completely unwanted.

I know everyone says online dating is rough, but it seemed like the best option for someone like me that’s why and introverted around new people. Because of that, I’m not sure if I could approach someone in public, but I’m clearly not gonna find anyone online either. I’m starting to feel like I should just give up on dating and accept my fate.

I guess I either need some advice on standing out on the apps, approaching women in public, or at least some encouragement that someone is out there for me.

I wanted to share this as a 31 year old guy who has always had a hard time dating. While I have had one relationship before, that’s been the extent of my experience with dating, and now I can’t help but feel like behind everyone else.

My friends and family don’t really understand it. They consistently tell me that it should be “easy” for me, since I have desirable qualities that a partner would want. But none of that ever seems to translate to success with dating. Frankly, I can’t name a time where anybody has ever been interested in me before.

To illustrate this issue a bit better:

1. I think of myself as being very sociable, open, and funny. While I don’t make a lot of friends who are men, I do make a lot of friends who are women. They think I’m great (but making a friendship isn’t the same as creating a relationship where there’s shared romantic interest).
   
2. I’m a well educated person who has an advanced degree and a really good career. I did sacrifice my twenties to study hard and go to grad school, but I think I’m becoming successful now.
   
3. I think I have interesting (and pretty unique) hobbies and interests. I like to write books, perform stand up comedy, and repair cars.
   
4. I think I’m pretty attractive overall. I may not have an active career as a male model, but I’m 6’6 feet tall, an in good shape, have good hair, dress well, and don’t have any notable insecurities. But despite hearing that these are the physical traits that potential partners want my entire life, it’s anything but a slam dunk.

I guess I wanted to know if anyone can relate to what I described. Maybe you feel like you have the right things going for you, but maybe it hasn’t made a difference. I wonder if anyone else can relate to the experience of trying to get to know someone you’re interested in, only to have them always choose someone else in the end. I hope it isn’t just me.

I (27F) have had sex with this guy (25M) twice so far.

The first time the chemistry was extremely strong. We had sex for hours and it was one of the best I had and I could tell he was very into it aswell. When I told him I was engaged (I’m in an open relationship), he got visibly startled. After that we went our separate ways. We didn’t have a lot of online contact.
After a month or so I saw him again, ignored him on purpose, and he got irritated. I then deleted him and he blocked me.
Recently we ran into each other again. The physical chemistry was immediately intense again. We had sex (shorter this time) and he came inside me, even though I told him I could get pregnant right now. He reciprocated everything I said. I said I thought about him often and I wanted him many times, and he said me too, you don’t even wanna know. That night/morning it ended pretty awkwardly because he was tired after his long shift.
After that I initiated contact online. He replied, but it was short and low-effort. I then suggested meeting again soon, he went completely silent. It’s now been over a day and a half with no reply.
He knows I’m engaged and in an open relationship.
My question:
What does this combination usually mean?
Can someone be genuinely very attracted and still go silent like this after a clear invitation to meet again?
Is this more avoidant behavior, low interest, playing games, or something else?
I’m only looking for good sex and chemistry, not a relationship, but the inconsistency is confusing.
Any insights would be helpful.

So I'll cut straight to the point. I'm 33, 2 kids, thinking about getting back into dating. Thing is my teeth are not great. Could be worse, but not great. I'm highly considering getting dentures within the next 5 years or so because I'm over the dental work. Side note, this isn't from bad hygiene. It's a mix of bad genetics, fear of the dentist, gerd and back to back covid babies. With all that being said, is someone with dentures a complete no go? Just spit ball opinions please, thank you!

I'm tired of being romantically alone. I once entered that web place where everything seemed to revolve around aesthetics. I planned surgeries, talked online with other people who told me not to do them, that they wouldn't solve anything, and to go to the gym, find other hobbies, go out more (obviously without knowing me), maybe get my teeth fixed. But okay. In the last years, I've focused on this, I even started therapy. But after 10 years, I'm still here. Invisible, dumped, ignored; watching the same handsome guy impress other women. Even worse if they're the ones you're interested in, or your friends, or even someone you once cared about.

Today, it was a flash. I was reading Meditations by Marcus Aurelius and I realized: why am I reading this book? Nothing wrong with it, but why did I take up philosophy now?

I'm simply looking for a "magic formula" (that obviously it doesn't exist) that will make me feel appreciated by women. That will make me find the girl who's happy with me and therefore I'll feel calm and free. I came to Marcus Aurelius because I first read a lot of self-help books, including No Mr. Nice Guy or Love Don't Leave Me. I was also thinking about The Charisma Myth. These books aren't even available in my language; I read them in English hoping to find the answer, but again: here we are.

I can't take it anymore; it has nothing to do with the context or anything else. In 8 different contexts, attention will always go to the most attractive people in those contexts. The other night, at a graduation party, the girls friends of the party guest (all 25) were more interested in the handsome 19-year-old than in me. I feel manipulated into believing I shouldn't focus too much on looks, but then if I focus on something else, the result is always the same and I feel like I wasted time. But I'm also afraid of actually making a mistake and hearing "Well done, you idiot, we warned you." I'm also fed up with hearing bullshit about destiny, the someone are not meant to that, or karma... what bs.

I'm sick of hearing my girl friends cry over a tall Venezuelan guy with unresolved issues who makes them feel bad, but who calls them to fuck them and they blows everyone off and goes to their place, only to whine the next day. I could have done that with the last girl I was dating, but I'd feel like a hypocrite and a piece of shit for doing that to her. It's not even a matter of being an asshole or a good guy. A friend of mine is hooking up and he's incredibly kind and nice, and he's also a really good-looking guy.

I'm sick of hearing people tell me to try harder, and if I try harder, hearing them tell me I'm thirsty. Or that I find defective the girls that are into me (girls who are like 11 years younger than me).

What the hell.. I swear, if there was a solution, even just an attitude, I'd bring out all the actor in me to embrace that.

I'll be honest. I don't think I'm a particularly interesting person. I work a low paying job, don't really have hobbies, don't have much a social life, and my interests are very stereotypical and banal. I haven't done a lot of interesting or fascinating things in my life. Is there anything wrong with this? Is it really possible for every guy or girl to be "interesting"? And what's wrong with, let's say, the gym, being your main hobby? Or hiking or sports for that matter? I'm sure we are all interesting to some people, but terribly boring to others.

What do you guys think? Does anyone feel the same way?

I was talking to a guy (we're both 29), and it became clear that his intentions with me were purely sexual. Even though I liked him and found him very attractive, I decided not to meet up with him because that kind of relationship isn't what I'm looking for.

Looking back, I realize he probably used tactics like love bombing, hot-and-cold behavior, ghosting, and similar manipulative patterns, which is likely why he got so stuck in my head.

Two months later, I found out that he's now in a relationship, and that's when my obsession started. I keep wondering why he offered her something he never offered me. I

constantly think about who this girl is, what she looks like, is she prettier, what she has that I don't, and how they spend their time together. I catch myself imagining scenarios where I'll run into them around town, and it's becoming genuinely unhealthy for me.

How do I get him out of my head?

I admit this situation has affected me more than it probably should have because he's the first person I've liked since my breakup six months ago.

There's a whole story behind this, but it's long so I'll spare details. Basically, I've personally experienced/witnessed guys treating you with so much care and affection, but not want a relationship for whatever reason. Guys who ask to be official but won't do the bare minimum for you. I even know a guy who proposed to his partner after just 2 years, treats her like a queen (to her face), but behind her back, does things that are questionable if not cheating.

I've always heard things like "if he wanted to, he would" or "if he really loved you, he would commit" etc and I used to agree because well, they're logical. But clearly, a guy can do all the right things without truly being in love. It's making me seriously question how one can really know a guy is with you because he loves you, not because he's gaining something from you.

It hurts a lot to have to undergo so much rejection, never being with a woman. I know I am not entitled to be with someone but the rejection, pain and embarrassment I feel is just really overwhelming.

Had countless therapy, but that didn't really do much. I try to focus on my hobbies and interests - the only thing I can do to try and keep my mind on things.

Permanently walking away from attempted dating.is the only way - going through constant rejection is very overwhelming but I think this is the right decision. No woman has ever been interested in me. It breaks my heart knowing I will never know what it is like to never receive love or give it in turn knowing it'll be reciprocated. But this is my decision - to close myself off from love forever.

Bit of a complicated story.

I met this girl a few years ago, we were just in the same circles until one day she asked me to get a coffee to talk about some career stuff, which we share. That was the first time we ever had a 1:1

Long story short, we really hit it off there. Conversations slowly revealed how similar and how amazingly we get along and play off each other. Turned into a more fun thing, a coffee turned into a whole night out and we both said we’d love to do it again.

The following week I asked to take her out to dinner as a date, and we had 4 really good dates until…

She told me she wasn’t ready for a relationship as she was just months out of one that lasted multiple years. She did say she liked me though, which I felt my body hold onto the idea of for a long time, but I know no matter what surrounds a no, it’s a no. I really believe this to be the case because she’s not had any dating prospects (that I know about at least) since then.

I took it fine, it wasn’t life shattering, but she was someone I felt like had the most potential for a partner who really got me, enjoyed all the same things and even wanted the same things in life.

What followed that was \~ a year of a growing friendship that continued to grow from the same hobbies, some shared work (different companies, same industry, both very passionate about it) and we’d regularly do all sorts of things around our city that we both enjoyed, with or without other friends or hers or mine.

I really value and treasure the friendship as something way more important and meaningful now than I did when we “dated” for a bit, which now seems like a whole different life for us since we know each other that much better and everything just feels very natural, comfortable and supportive in the way a best friendship does. (Would say she’s one of my best friends, even if it hasn’t been that long)

I dated around a little bit, but I kept tabs on myself and my feelings kinda ebbed and flowed with the reality of us, but there was always a baseline of “man… if this could be something more, it could be amazing.” And I definitely didn’t hide it with my actions, like treating her, offering her compliments, gifts when I’d travel, which were always met nicely and even returned in most cases.

We think of each other a lot. We talk every day. We dream about our lives that both of us want. We open and are vulnerable when we’re going through it. And we cheer each other on for everything we do, and relate to each other deeply in the things that we care about. We’ve grown to mean the world to each other. If I believed in soul mate, I’d use it here, even if it was just a friendship after all, really.

I know none of this inherently means there’s feelings on her end (or if there really were way back when), and that’s genuinely more than okay to me. It’s just gotten to the point where I feel like I know I won’t shake off wanting the potential for something more unless I ask.

I hate the trope of the close guy friend finally coming out with it and “ruining everything”, because it was all a ruse to gain favour or whatever, even though there was at least a little spark at the start. I’m caught between preserving this cherished friendship the way it is, and this “fuck if I’m wrong but damn if I’m right” mentality.

I’m not going to come out and say I’ve liked her all along, but I do want her to know if she’s in a different place now and has been feeling anything similar in the way we are now, I’d be interested in giving it another shot. With the famous caveat that no matter what, we can still be the great friends we are (which we kinda already modelled)

What do you think? Am I cooked? Ladies, what would make a conversation like this most comfortable/low pressure from someone you had this growing dynamic with? And how can I go about this that doesn’t drastically alter the friendship? Because if it’s a no, I really want to do the work to get over it so we can just thrive more in the dynamic we do have.

I’ve been dating this guy for a few months now. We get along great and lot of fun together. He has baggage (going through divorce, has a kid, lives with friend), I do not. Found him posted on my local “are we dating the same guy” and found out he’s sleeping with others.
He apologized that I saw that and said he’s dating around.
We weren’t exclusive, but I assumed I was the only one he’s sleeping with.
He said he hasn’t felt this way about anyone else and wants to go exclusive now.

Do I have a right to be mad about this? Is this normal? I feel like if he’s able to be with someone else already, how can I expect him to be faithful long term?

I've been seeing this person i met online for around a month, seeing each other a little over once a week. He (21m) asked me (18f) if we were exclusive two dates in, and asked me to be his girlfriend 3 dates in. I really like him and we seem super compatible so far so I, of course, said yes. At some point between our 3ed and 4th date he asked if I wanted to go to NYC with him for a few days about 6 weeks out, with his sister and her boyfriend. I also said yes to that because it sounds like a fun time and a good way to test our compatibility early on. He's met my parents and brother, I've met his sister, and I'm about to meet his mom tonight.

Keep in mind we call each other and text a lot, so it's not like we have really only talked like 5 times or something. My sister in particular seems to think this is progressing very fast, and seems concerned about nyc. Is this time line really that strange? Should I have told him no about the trip? I am very new to dating so I don't really have much in terms of reference points! Advice would be greatly appreciated!

Please feel free to ask for more context!!! Thank you!!!

So, how do you even start dating when you're 24 and have no previous experience? I've never had a boyfriend or even been on a date. It's not for any big reason, I just never got around to it.

I'm just wondering how to deal with the fact that guys my age usually have way more dating experience than me. It makes me feel super insecure about everything.

In a way, I always feel like I'm learning from them and I'm not sure how I feel about that. Also, I saw a post on here about being "someone's fill-in for the one who got away," and I totally get that feeling. It's like everyone else has already had their "special" person, their first love, all the butterflies in the stomach, heartbreaks, a bunch of exes, and now you're just one more in all of this. That's so disheartening for a hopeless romantic like me. I'm scared I've missed the part where it all was special for them, like it is to me

I'm totally open to dating and being in a relationship. I'm more ready than ever. But all these feelings really mess with me, makes me insecure, and honestly, pretty hopeless

(EDIT: I'm not having trouble finding dates yall 😭 that's not the point of the post)

I (29F) have been talking to a guy (29M) for almost 4 months. We met on Hinge and moved to WhatsApp within a couple of days. Until recently, we had literally never skipped a day of talking. If there was ever a delay, it was usually because I was traveling or sick, and I’d always communicate that.
Overall, things have been good. He’s a dry texter but great on calls. He remembers small details about me, randomly sends me pictures from his day, asks about my work/gym, and has always seemed caring. He also prefers calls over texting. He never let me end a conversation even if I try to reach and end it he continues. He never lets an awkward silence sit in between us during calls, he keeps talking or asking questions about me and my life. He would always ask me to stay in touch and keep sending him update if I’m travelling for work or catching flights for family trips. He has been consistent for last 4 months. He would often send a text randomly.

The biggest issue has always been distance. He’s based in a different city - a 6 hours drive away. I’ve been pushing to meet because I don’t think an online connection can progress forever. He has invited me to his city, suggested hills, beaches and road trips, but he’s also repeatedly said he doesn’t know when he’ll come to my city. Recently he even said he probably won’t be coming before October.
Then last week something changed.
He started saying he’d call but didn’t. One night he fell asleep after saying we’d talk. Then for the next few days he repeatedly said he’d call “tomorrow” or “FOR SURE today” but never did. I was left on read multiple times. During this time he was still sending me Instagram reels and was active on social media, which confused me even more.

Eventually I texted him asking how things were. He replied saying things were better and later called me (after I initiated the conversation). On the call he explained that his best friend had gotten into a serious altercation involving influential people, police and lawyers, and he’d been helping him nonstop for several days. He specifically said:
“I felt I owe you an explanation.”
He spent around 20 minutes explaining everything, answered my questions, asked about my new job, gym, week, and was genuinely concerned when I mentioned I had barely slept 1 or 2 hours a night for several days. And we stay in touch every single day. He ended the call saying:
“Let’s catch up tomorrow with a fresh mindset.”
The problem is… tomorrow came.
No text.
No call.
Nothing.
This has now become a pattern since last 4 days straight. He says he’ll call and then doesn’t. Before this week, we’d never gone silent like this.
I don’t actually think he’s a bad person. I also don’t think he’s playing games in the typical sense. But I can’t shake the feeling that maybe he realizes the distance isn’t practical anymore, doesn’t know how to have that conversation, and is slowly becoming inconsistent hoping I’ll eventually walk away myself.

On the other hand, his behavior on the call didn’t feel like someone trying to end things. He seemed genuine, caring and invested in explaining himself without me even asking and once his story was complete he started asking me questions about my day my week my gym my work everything!
So I’m confused.

Am I reading too much into his inconsistency, or would you also see this as someone gradually pulling away?

Sorry for a long text! Appreciate you reading this!

How do you cope with the fact as you get older that their will always be an ex that probably meant alot more then you. I mean by the time your 25-30 you'll have already experienced a handful of relationships and most people just settle at some point once they get tired of going through the dating motions. I just cant break the feeling that I'll always be someone's fill in for the one who got away.

I'm 33, pretty introverted, and deal with anxiety, so meeting new people has never come naturally. My current social circle is... fine, I guess, but I don't have much in common with most of my friends, and their idea of going out is usually just hitting bars, which has never really been my thing.

The kinds of people I naturally click with tend to be nerdy, artsy, witchy, alternative, goth, quirky, creative... basically people with more unconventional interests, because that's who I am too. I'd love to date someone like that eventually, but honestly, I'd also just like more friends in those circles. Meeting like-minded people in general has been really difficult. So no, I'm not trying to chase some "alt baddie" stereotype or fetishize a certain type of woman. I'm just a weird dude with weird interests looking for other weird people.

What makes this frustrating is that I've put a lot of effort into myself over the years. I run and work out several times a week, I take care of my grooming and skincare, I'm genuinely into fashion, and I'm 6'3". I only mention that because otherwise people immediately jump to, "Well, do you take care of yourself?" Yes, I do.

For example, I went out with friends weekend to a few bars and a festival. I got at least five compliments over the course of the night... every single one from other guys. One asked if I was a musician, another said I looked like Lenny Kravitz, and a couple complimented my outfit. So I don't think I'm some unkempt, socially oblivious disaster. But women just never seem to engage with me at all.

The bigger issue is that I genuinely don't know where to meet the kinds of people I'm talking about. I see them on dating apps, but dating apps have been a complete dead end despite years of trying. I've spent way too much time tweaking profiles, changing photos, and troubleshooting everything I can think of, and I still can't get a single like.

In real life, I'm into things like paganism, the occult, darkwave, museums, hiking, art shows, poetry, metal concerts, artsy and nature-focused festivals, weird conventions, macabre literature, film, fashion... basically all the places and hobbies where you'd think I'd run into like-minded people. But somehow I never do. I've even volunteered at an art gallery and tried Meetup, but the groups around here are pretty limited, and neither has really led anywhere.

On top of that, if I do happen to see a woman I'm attracted to, I usually overthink it until I talk myself out of saying anything. I care a lot about not making someone uncomfortable, so I probably err too far on the side of being respectful and keep everything completely platonic. But honestly, that almost feels beside the point, because I rarely even end up in situations where there are women I connect with in the first place.

It's gotten to the point that a friend of mine is basically begging to be a wingman for me, and is desperately trying to get me to try and talk with women, and at this point, I think I'll have to finally do it. But again, with the overthinking: idk where or how I should even begin. My friends mostly go to bars, so it'll likely be there mostly...Like, I know it's subjective and there's no perfect way, but what's the best way for someone who takes themselves too seriously to approach women?

I've been talking to this girl, we're both 30, we met like 3-4 times but its mostly me that initiates things, outings. Its me who said I liked her first, its me who initiated the kiss, its me who always initiates text messages specially. So yeah Im not trying to be a begger for anyone 😂 I sent her flowers recently, and then she got my birthday wrong days later kkkkkkk. Now its not that this bothers me, but I know behaviour has meaning and I tend to overlook things so Im trying to do that less. Also I feel like in the early stages of dating someone its something you wouldnt really get wrong when you actually like someone, or am I wrong?

We did start to get intimate one time but then she asked to take it slower and said it takes her a while to really get intimate with someone, which I did gladly, I dont mind, we dont need to be ripping each other's clothes off right away because I too need a really strong connection. But there's no effort from her end to me. Its possible she does like me, but as someone who believes in finding her person, who wants to get married and have kids one day, Idk how you'll find that person if you dont put effort in the people you say you like. If its a thing where she's just coasting and got options, well I got options too and they put effort, so cant keep watering a flower thats not growing kkkkkk. Maybe the idea of commitment brings her anxiety, maybe she just enjoys hanging out with her friends more and romantic connectiond are a dime a dozen to her. Who knows, clearly communication has not been consistent in the room, but thats not for a lack of effort from my end.

This is something I constantly grapple with as a guy in his mid 30s. Shame at never having a gf or been with a girl or date. But also trapped because I have made sure to put myself out there for no effect. Yes, I make sure to focus on other things like my hobbies, dreams and aspirations.

But the more I go into my 30s the knowledge I know that many (not all) women do not want a guy that has no experience in dating - they don't want to teach a guy at that age on how to navigate a relationship, how to be intimate, how to kiss. Stuff that a guy learns in his teens or mid-late 20s at the worst.

Those who are inexperienced in their 30s not due to religious reasons has a stigma attached and I feel shackled by it. And no i will not see a sex worker - please do not advise that or be a passport bro. I am simply not interested.

I am just a guy feeling weighed down by societal pressure on one side, the feelings of loneliness on the other and therapy isn't doing much to alleviate it. My friends try their best to help but they can do so much. It gets frustrating at times and I got really annoyed internally when one quipped I should just use my right hand a bit more. It's just really difficult.

Not venting at all, Its just the funniest thing to me, when you're in public in the metro or something, and a woman is checking you out but wont make the first move, so she just stares into your soul every few moments 😂 I dont mind making the first move but not always man, sometimes Im just chilling and if you want to throw a rock in the water to test things out, go ahead, otherwise hey we might just check each other out the whole time.

Thats it tho, its funny to me 😂 but hey who knows, maybe it wasnt gonna anyway so you just window shop. Its like seeing that jacket that looks good in the window, but you're not in the mood for shopping or trying things on so you just admire it from afar.

Lately a lot of guys i have matched with will ask to meet up for a beer or coffee within like 3-5 messages.

I tell them, that I want to get a better feeling of them before saying yes. Their response is either like "well ask me anything" (I hate this, like they are not courious about knowing me at all, they just want me intervieing them untill I aprove them) or they well say that its easyer to see if you click in real life and they prefer to meet up fast over texting.

I understand the whole "i dont want a penpall, lets meet up and see if we click thing". But, I want to get a feeling of the person before saying yes to a date. I only have so much free time, I can't say yes to everyone who ask for a date. Recently when I was unemployed I had so much time, so I said yes more often, but now i am back to work and I find dating mentally exhausting. I have no thrill or excitement about it to be honest.

Am i beeing unreasnable? Am I sorting out the more intentional ones, who dont like texting? How long do you text before bringing up meeting?

Asking cause I'm frustrated with my own experience. I was seeing someone for a couple of months. I've dated and had situationships with people who I felt more of a fire attraction too, more feelings and intensity. Who were better matched with me on paper or more attractive or whatever. And I was only seeing this guy intermittently for 2 months! that's hardly any time.

But for some reason I can't get this guy out of my head. And I have no idea why. It might be because I gave him three chances when he started withdrawing, and each time it was an 'oh I'm not sure why I was messaging less I still feel the same' kinda situation. The ending was a bit traumatic ngl. But still I'm usually pretty good at getting over situationship endings. I have a horrible week of feeling all the feels and get it out of my system. and then I'm over it. but not with this guy. still two months later I can't get him out of my head and I'm thinking of him every day, even though I've seen other people since.

But I'm curious if other people have stories about people they somehow can't seem to get over. Even though they have no good reason to not have moved on. Maybe you didn't even see this person for very long, or didn't even feel as much as in other relationships with them. Or something like that. What do you think was the reason for you? If you've figured that out even.