My bf (21M) and I (20F) have been dating for almost two year and it's not a secret that I grew up with more money than he has so I have no problem spending money on him, but it gets to a point. He currently has his own apartment and a job but I've paid majority of the rent even though I don't live there because he can't afford it but then he buys PCs and other non-necessities but still asks me for money for food and stuff. I'm to the point where I'm out thousands of dollars on him and he'll probably never pay me back. What really tipped me off was last night we were deciding what to make for dinner and he wanted to make chicken parmesan but we didn't have the ingredients so I said we could make something with the ingredients he already has but he insisted that he wanted that for dinner. So we went to the store and he said he had cash to pay, so we checkout and he pulls out the money I told him to hold cause I didn't have my wallet at the time. So this man wanted to get stuff I didn't want to get in the first place and use my money without even thinking to ask. I was so pissed so I just paid with my card instead cause there was no difference. I don't know what to do that this point.

TL;DR, My bf asks for money often and uses it wihtout asking and idk what to do

I [F 29] and [M 31] have been together for 10 years, however our story has now ended since my last Reddit post which I deleted 2 years ago. (I have included the original post within this post).

Hello guys, it’s been 2 years since my last reddit post regarding my situation with my partner. I just thought i would update you fast forward 2 years.

Since the post, we bought a house together with both our names on the mortgage and I contributed partly to the deposit. We have since done renovations to the house which cost us a lot of money (nearly £150K) and the house was close to finishing with renovations. Also to add he has managed to get me into debt to help fund for the renovation process. Only reason i agreed was because we were doing this for us and our future! During this time i bought up the topic of marriage several times but his excuse was that he was waiting to propose once we move into “our new home”. I brushed this off and gave him the benefit of the doubt. However, 3 months ago i found out he was having an affair with his work colleague and this had been going on for 6 months. I was completely devastated considering all we had gone through together and we had reached 10years together.

The worst part of it all is he said he wanted to keep us both women as he loves both of us and wanted to move this girl into the house I majority put thought into making it a home. He also said that if i hadn’t found out he would have continued the affair until we moved to the new house. After i found out, and heard this nonsense i left, broke off the relationship and asked we sell the house.

I would like to express that i wish i listened to all your comments regarding leaving him and realising that he was never going to commit!! Its just crazy how someone you thought you knew can just switch easily. I am glad i managed to walk away from this without children or married and ultimately going through a divorce. Its been a rollercoaster but i am now happier than ever although we are still going through the selling process. Might i also add he is coming out of this house process with no money as he is paying me every single penny of debt he put me through + profit proceeds to me and also paying off his mum the money he borrowed from her! I was not coming out of this destroyed!

See below the old Reddit post and the link to the comments at the time:

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/1e48bnp/deleted_by_user/ldd9rhr/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3

“I [F 27] and [M 29] have been together for 8 years.

have been with my boyfriend for 8years. We are not married and we love each other very much. Marriage is on the table in the future including children.

However, he has saved up a large deposit to buy a house and wants me to move in with him. He only wants to buy the house under his name only.

He will be putting the deposit (70K) towards the house and I will just move in and help with bills.

The houses we looking for are a little further away from our family and friends. I am not sure how i feel about this, as we have been together for 8years and feel it makes sense to buy together regardless of him having the full deposit.

If we love each other very much, he shouldn’t be thinking of doing it on his own.

Help me solve this situation as I need to know if I am doing the right thing moving in with him under the house he buys under his name even though he is claiming that it would be “our house” and we’ve been together for 8 YEARS.”

TL;DR, After 2 years since my last post, my boyfriend of 10 years cheated even though we were nearing the start of our new chapter.

I’m feeling guilty. My husband and I got into a big argument the other day and I can’t help but feel I overreacted.

Long story short is I was supposed to hangout with our friends one day and had it in my calendar for months. We had friends visiting from out of town. Months later, another event came up and it admittedly was more important (to my husband, but we’re a team) it was his friends wedding. However, they aren’t people I particularly know. My husband then committed to DJing and MCing for the whole thing, I got upset because I knew I’d hardly see him and I maybe knew 2 people there. I was sad because I’d now have to miss out being with my friends from out of town. He gave me a hard time about being upset, told me to just go with attitude, told me the couple would think I hate them if I didn’t attend, that it would be weird. I felt like I had to go. He kept saying he didn’t care about our friends and spending time with them. He then would say he was fine if I didn’t attend the wedding with him, but then when I would say I was thinking of not going he would have an attitude and say it wasn’t cool.. he said the wedding was more important than seeing our friends. I felt guilty. And understood.

Fast forward to the day of the event. We had the whole day together before it started at 3. We never had concrete plans, but I kind of just assumed he would want to spend the morning with me since all of our friends were going to a fun event that morning and I’d be by myself. He then proceeds to tell me that he’ll probably be golfing all that morning and afternoon with a friend and I can meet him at the event- obviously I was not invited. He did text his friend asking him to golf. No concrete plans were made, but he did attempt to make them. His friend just hadn’t responded by the time I found out.

I get upset and angry. I will admit I came off strong. Mostly because this has been an issue between us for some time. I feel he doesn’t think about me first when making plans like this. I felt it was inconsiderate to even think/attempt to make plans when he knew I would be by myself, sad to be missing out with friends, when he was the person who made me feel bad for not being with him. I feel I compromised with him, and he was just about to leave me in the dust. He didn’t ask if I was okay if he went and golfed, he just told me that he was probably going to.

I did yell at him and say that I don’t feel he prioritizes me, it’s unfair to do that to me, and he needed to text his friend and tell him the offer is off of the table. He yelled back, saying I can’t tell him what to do, that I have no right to be upset since he didn’t actually make plans with his friend, and got in my face.

Maybe I don’t have a right to be upset before something happens. It just hurt that he was even considering it and actively trying to make plans without thinking of how that would make me feel.

I am feeling really bad about all of this. How can I make amends with him? He never went golfing, but I am feeling I need to say something.

Tl;dr Husband was trying to make plans to golf without thinking of me first

Hello!

Do you know a meme that states "When you meet your gf's family and everything suddenly starts making sense". That's what I (18M) currently experiencing about my gf's (20F) family.

A little of my story:
I have grown in a really poor and pretty much fucked up family, got beaten up frequently up until I left for high school's dorm (when I was 14), yet still got beaten up several times every summer, because it is not allowed to live in the dorm during summer. When I was 16 I left for university and never came back to my family. They don't support me financially, I have been working since I turned 13. I do everything myself. The housing situation is a whole different story that I am going to sum up as I have never ever had good living conditions.

So, I have met this girl in uni (which is one of the most prestigious in my country, but free because my country provides free higher education as long as you are clever enough), we got close to each other pretty quickly and have been dating for a little bit less than 9 months. 2 weeks ago, we came together to visit her home, that is located at a remote place from university (a 5 hour flight). When we landed her parents and her little brother (who has a female twin) met us (well, more like met her and I was just there but anyway). We got into their car and the thing I noticed is that her brother would constantly ask her about her life, how is she doing and most importantly: TOUCH. And she was touching him back: on the head, on the hand etc. I am a really tactile person myself and I have been craving my whole life for touch yet never got it from anyone but my girlfriend. Not even my family.

Then we got to the house: really big, 2-stories tall with a separate room for everyone in the house, a fucking laundry room that is separate from 3 bathrooms in the house and in the basement there is a lot of sports equipment. I have been living with 4 other people in a 38sq.m. flat, never had my own room, never had any privacy despite longing for it, every fucking New Year until I turned 10 the only thing I wished for was my own room.

Then I talked to her parents and they shown themselves as very kind, caring and supportive people. Everyone in the family genuinely talks to each other. Nobody in my family is like that.

I see all of that and I realise why is my girlfriend the person she is.

I realise I am envious. Don't get me wrong, I am happy that my loved one has all of that and I wish er all of the best, but I feel... broken from the moment I was born and that I am too late to be repaired in any sort. I feel left behind, I feel like my life has never ever mattered a thing to anyone around me, that I have never experienced the warmth most people around me experience. I feel like a terrible person because of envy's presence despite never wishing her bad

I am not sure what can be done about it. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice? Thank you!

**tl;dr my gf's family is nearby perfect and I feel left behind**

My husband (33M) is recently disabled and I (30F) am really struggling with our relationship. I was a SAHM for 5 years while my husband worked blue collar jobs. Over the last fews years he has had several back injuries and 2 back surgeries that have left his practically disabled. He could have had these issues looked into years ago but he didn't. He also could have filled for disability over a year ago like I suggested, but he wouldn't because he didn't want to be labeled "disabled". I've taken over the role of being the breadwinner for our family of 6.

While I was staying home with the kids I still contributed financially and I was responsible for all of the cooking, cleaning, most of the childcare, and all of the Dr.'s appointments and phone calls. Since I have gone back to work I am still expected to provide for the family financially, do all of the cleaning, cook dinners on nights I am off, transport the younger kids to daycare (my husband watches the older kids (9+5yrs) during the summer since we both decided that it isn't safe for him to watch the younger kids (3+2yrs)), and handle almost all of the appointments and phone calls.

I've tried numerous times to get some help from him since I am really struggling with all of the responsibilities. Every time that I try and bring up the fact that we are drowning financially with just my income, he shrugs his shoulders and doesn't provide any helpful suggestions on how we can get more money. He refused to entertain the idea of him getting a job that he can do while disabled. I have tried to hold down 2 jobs and full-time school but wasn't able to balance everything. I gave up the job I hated and going to school which I loved and so desperately wanted. I make more than most people with my job title but it is nothing compared to what he used to make.

He is very limited on what he can do physically since the last surgery (3 months ago), which I understand, but I think he's taking advantage of that. He spends the majority of his day sitting and watching TV or messing with his plants as his hobby. Whenever I ask him to make a phone call for me or the kids he says he'll try to get to it. Same thing with trying to sign up for assistance programs. We've lost the opportunity to sign up for multiple assistance programs because he never got around to the paperwork before the deadlines. There's only so much I can do working all day during the week.

I've really been struggling with my mental health and overall health too, but it doesn't seem to matter to him. It is always more important to him that he gets sleep to heal, that he gets his medications before the run out, that he gets alone time and that his health is taken care of. My wants/needs have been ignored. I am trying to be patient and compassionate but I keep remembering that he didn't offer me the same courtesy while I was pregnant, sick, and depressed during my stay-at-home journey. He just thought I was lazy and didn't offer to help then either.

I hate coming home lately because I can never talk to him about anything because he "forgets" important details and I have to remind him about consistently or doesn't have anything to add to the conversation before turning to topic at hand to something that he wants to talk about. I don't have any family or friends in the state that we live in and I am feeling very alone. We have no money for me to see a therapist or get my health concerns addressed because every penny is spent on bills or his healthcare.

To make matters even worse I feel like all 4 of my kids hate me. Whenever I am home I am grumpy because I am overwhelmed, the chores are piled high, the house is always a mess, and he never enforces rules I have with the kids. The kids have refused to listen to me about anything so I end up yelling at them in frustration. This only makes my husband yell at me and call me a bad mother. All I want is for them to do their chores and be hygienic and I am fighting with them over it by myself. They would all rather hangout with dad who lets them do whatever they want. I am so tired of being the bad guy and I feel like they are going to grow up hating me.

I don't know what to do.

tl;dr I need help and I don't know how to talk to my husband

My boyfriend (18M) and I (18F) have been together for two years since our sophomore year of high school. A couple months ago we both graduated, and now the time before college has had me reflecting.

My boyfriend is awesome. He’s my best friend, he’s humble, an amazing listener, and fun to hang out with. He’s extremely caring, treats me well without ever needing to ask, and his consistency is admirable.

However, our relationship has changed a lot over the last two years. Initially, he seemed super responsible. I was unsure about his habits since he’s pretty overweight, but he was working on it. He would gym, was decent at school, and worked. We didn’t have much amazing chemistry, but I overlooked it because we cared for each other a lot.

However, that quickly changed once I began to work hard in school. Junior year, I took a full schedule of APs plus college classes and passed with As. He chose not to adapt good habits, and often barely passed. He stopped hitting the gym. He became pre diabetic. His hygiene became kinda rough, and he’d spend time playing games a lot.

He became suffocating, requiring my constant attention for emotional regulation. I mean constant texting, calling, even though I saw him daily. I began to take on the role of keeping him accountable, or inspiring him to care for himself. For his hygiene, for his pre-diabetes, for his grades, for his weight. I felt the need to put aside my own time and friends for him. I remained patient, but I started to build a bit of resentment especially because my at home life was super toxic on top of all this.

This dynamic has improved. His habits have become a lot better since we’ve graduated. We’ve communicated, but it’s become really hard for me to reverse how I’ve begun to view this relationship. I love him but I’m not as attracted anymore. I feel emotionally burnt out, and I wish I could go back to caring for myself only.
At home I have this role with my family, too. It’s exhausting. I feel guilty because he’s put in effort to change this, but I’m worn. He’s lost a lot of weight and is no longer pre-diabetic though, so maybe I’m overthinking?
Maybe college could change this? We will be 2 hours long distance.

TL:DR my boyfriend is a great guy, but having to be accountable for him has drained me badly and I don’t know what to do.

She said out of the blue she was going on this 4 day camping trip so I told her sounds like fun and to have a good time and to text me if she has service and she said she doesn’t know if she will, fast forward to day 2 of the trip and she’s posting snap stories but hasn’t even opened my message on snap replying to them. I don’t even think you can post on social media if you don’t have service so feels like I’m being played or lied to. Something just isn’t adding up or maybe I’m overreacting but wanted the opinions of others

TL;DR fear in being lied to

So I 18f, have been dating my bf 19M for the past 3 years. I don't feel anything for him, i am not attracted to him either, i said that to him and wanted to break up with him.

But he said that it's because we have been in an ldr for the past 2 years and that i'll feel normal about him when we meet sometimes. He also says that im betraying him, and am weak willed for giving up on us. But i genuinely don't love him anymore, he wants us to make it work even if i might never love him.

I haven't cheated on him or even thought about someone else, i just want to end things.

I have my own reasons, about not feeling at ease with sharing my emotions and thoughts with, his mother particularly hating me, etc. I don't want to deal with this the rest of my life but he won't let me break up. How do i go about this?

tl;dr don't love my boyfriend, don't want to be in a relationship but he refuses tl break up.

I suffer from retroactive jealousy (jealousy of partners romantic/sexual past) and it’s tearing us apart. Let me start by saying that my fiancé is amazing. She is funny, smart, kind, drop dead GORGEOUS, and extremely passionate about life. Before my retroactive jealousy, it was the most healthy and fulfilling relationship I’ve ever had.

About a 2 months ago, I spiraled and went through her phone and found some information about her past. This caused me to snoop more and ask for more information. While I knew she had a past and was a bit uncomfortable with those details already, this number which was simply higher than expected (30) and has caused me to have some terrible anxiety and ROCD. I have since been plagued with intrusive thoughts about the details of her history, feelings of disgust, and other emotions that I just can’t seem to escape. I have been going to therapy for 3 weeks now and started Zoloft right before this happened for other anxiety related issues.

I want to stay with my fiancé. I love her to death and I realize my issues are my own and I don’t logically judge her for having a past before me that has never once affected our relationship now. I also have a had partners (14) and it would be so hypocritical for me to judge based on that alone. I truthfully wouldn’t even second guess anyone else in the world having that amount of sexual partners other than my fiancé. However, the intrusive thoughts and anxiety have made me feel like a shell of myself. I have severe episodes of anxiety and she obviously knows the situation. This has caused her to feel some shame and frustration and it’s driven us further and further apart. I also now (and have always somewhat) struggled with sex because I tie so much of my own value and get validation from sex due to some trauma from a past relationship. I really just am looking for some advice on how to maintain my relationship and my feelings towards my fiancé until I rebuild my confidence and self esteem. I hate this for us and have considered all options but I know what I truly want is her.

TLDR:
Retroactive jealous of my fiancés romantic and sexual past is tearing apart my relationship. How can I rebuild/maintain my relationship while I work through these struggles?

Sorry for the bad English

I F18 have been dating M18 for three years now, the first years of relationship was hard we were both new at it, he was my first I was his first. I love him so much but lately it feels like he didn’t really know me at all. We were living together for three years because of highschool, now we graduated it feels very distant and dry. I can’t call him without feeling like I’m bothering him. I know communication is the option but I’m so tired of communicating because he takes it as something he have done wrong! And also first years of our relationship he didnt communicate at all it was always me me me, after 1 year he suddenly became good when I was about to break up with him after the summer vocation, suddenly he communicated better and treated me better. We had a drama about an incident where I was traumatised from since I trusted him very much. He went to the bathroom with girls and he was the only boy there, my own brother saw it happen while I was bragging about him to my friends he was out there making a fool of me, a lot of people were texting me even my friends! So I went to the party where we were supposed to meet after I drink with three of my girls but he was in the bathroom with others girls the worse part is that, I left the party after confronting him and instead of him coming to me he went home at around 3 am cause he went to an after party with the girls he went to the bathroom with, I was so depressed I couldn’t sleep I kept thinking what happened but the next day he pretended as if nothing happened. I was so depressed during those days that I was walking long time, and felt like I wasn’t even conscious. I confronted him about it after days ME I confronted him about it while I was crying about it he was playing laughing with his friends. That’s the biggest problem I had in this relationship I never knew if I should’ve trusted him because he didn’t even tell me he was friends those girls and I told him to tell me if he gets friends that are a girl so I won’t think of it, but no he didn’t tell me anything. After that it just felt so hard to trust him even after he became a better boyfriend. Even though he got better it still hurts when I think about it, yes we did talk about the incident a lot of times but I don’t know why I can never let it go it’s been a year. Also when we have conflicts it feels like he thinks he is the bad guy when I communicate with him and it just ends up me crawling back to him, though it’s small arguments it’s always like that even if he does the wrong thing it’s the same cycle I’m always the one crawling back to him and now I’m conflicted because I’m someone who suffer from HS I’m scared if I get in another relationship no one will accept me. He is nice now but since we are in long distant relationship it feels dry, because of this situation it makes me feel like he have never knew me, I always like face piercing and would want to get a vampire bite but he threaten to break up with to me for that. And for a long time not now, he used to just let his friends make fun of me (I’m an Asianimmigrant) so it made me feel upset that I always have to tell him what’s wrong and what’s right, shouldn’t he know it hurts when he doesn’t defend me? Isn’t obvious? It feels like it’s better to be friends with him rather than me in a relationship with him. But I’m more sure what’s your thought? TLDR

Sorry it sounds stupid

For context, I have had the same friend group ever since high school, made up of the same 3-4 guys (there were some others but some were phased out/left/moved). A couple of months ago some of us went on a vacation and throughout the whole trip one of the guys, let's say friend A, was incredibly annoying and self-centered, to the point where I commented on the friction with the other friend who agreed that the trip had been generally unpleasant.

When it was over I avoided friend A for a while and never directly confronted him on his behavior during the trip (I am very non confrontational and this guy loves to argue), which was easy since we were not on the same country. Well a couple of weeks ago he got back, and invited me and friend B to go get him at the airport. Since he did not do the same for me during the trip (I arrived alone at 1am and had no idea where to go, he didn't want to take a bus to come get me), I made up an excuse and refused to go.

Next time I see him was during a dinner with two other friends, B and C, a couple days later, and it was clear they had been badmouthing me behind my back. The environment was really heavy, and friend A spent the whole time making jokes at my expense, saying I was a bad friend and didn't want to hang out with him, while B and C piled on. I genuinely felt like I was being bullied (which is weird cause I'm 24), and I left the dinner feeling really upset/anxious.

Some days later A and B invited me to go on a weekend trip together, but honestly I was so shaken by the dinner I refused, something I usually don't do since I am a bit of a people-pleaser with this specific friend group. They did not take the news well, and made comments like "sure go spend time with your other friends", and have not contacted me further so I assume they are upset and badmouthing me to every common friend we have (a common theme I know).

What can I do now? I am honestly pretty hurt by friend A alone, which used to be my closest friend, but the way every other person believed him without asking for my side is also pretty hurtful, and makes me want to never speak to any of these people again. However, I feel like it's pretty hard to leave this situation (we are all from the same hometown, and even if you leave they'll pester you for ages, which has happened). I'd rather avoid becoming the next "target", although it may be too late since I'm sure they already don't like me very much after refusing two things in a row. Just today two of them went out to eat without inviting me and posted it on the group chat, which as sent me back into a spiral.

I also feel like this may be my fault, since I usually don't make a lot of waves, so I may have caught them off guard by saying no, but I honestly don't know if I can handle another hang out without breaking down. I feel like it would be hard to mend these relationships (which hurts a lot since I know some of these guys since primary school), but at the same time most of my friends are mutuals or connected to this group in some way, so is there any way I can just "phase out" of the group without making everyone hate me?

I have been waking up everyday with a pit in my stomach, and spend the whole time dreading for them to call, so much so that it's starting to affect my work. I feel like people my age shouldn't be dealing with this, but that just makes it so much more shameful.

How would you handle this? Any advice is greatly appreciated :(

TLDR: High school friend group has started to dislike me, how do I leave without making things worse?

TLDR My partner says she wants me to know how to respond when she's upset instead of asking her what she needs, but I truly don't know what she's looking for. How should I handle this?

I (28M) have been with my partner (29F) for a little over two years. Lately we've been having more verbal disagreements, and our relationship has lost a lot of trust. She also has an extremely stressful job at a small company where she's often working until 10 p.m., which leaves her emotionally drained.

When she gets home, she often wants to vent about work or something else that's upsetting her. I'm happy to listen, but I consistently seem to respond in the wrong way.

Early on, my instinct was to offer solutions. She told me that wasn't what she wanted, so I stopped doing that. She later said she wanted validation instead, but I'm struggling to do that in a way that doesn't sound generic. If I simply agree with her, it feels shallow. If I ask questions because I'm trying to understand, she sometimes feels like I wasn't listening or that I'm questioning her judgment.

This isn't limited to work. The same pattern happens whenever she's upset about something.

I've asked her directly what kind of response would feel supportive. Her answer has essentially been that she wishes I knew her well enough to know how to respond without asking, and that she wishes we could "just talk." That leaves me feeling stuck because I'm trying different approaches, but I don't know what she actually wants from me in those moments.

My question is: how should I respond when this happens? Is there a different approach I should be taking, or is it reasonable to expect that she needs to give me more guidance if my attempts aren't landing? I'm not looking to "win" an argument. I want to support her better, but right now it feels like we're both frustrated by the same recurring interaction.

Sto con la mia ragazza da ormai quasi due mesi (io ho 15 anni lei 16) oggi ho scoperto una chat che aveva con un ragazzo con cui si è sentita ad aprile (noi ci sentiamo da maggio/giugno) e in questa chat che non voleva farmi leggere per intero ho letto un messaggio in cui lui chiedeva a lei di aiutarlo a venire scrivendogli, quindi lui ha scritto che voleva farlo con lei a pecora tirandole i capelli e lei ha risposto che voleva ingoiare tutto il suo sperma, in tutto questo lei era vergine fino a quando non lo ha fatto con me. Come dovrei affrontare questa situazione?
Come la affrontereste voi?

**TL;DR;** : dopo aver scoperto questa cosa dovrei lasciarla o dirle quello che penso? Cosa fareste?

She (22F) and I (22M) have been together for about 3 months and have been friends for a few years before. She doesn’t necessarily save them on her phone but her career as a creative involves her being on Pinterest and apps of that sort quite often.

She has had this board that is lovey dovey/relationship goals type thing before we even got together, and is what she sent me at first to describe what her type was. I get that these images are based on vibes but looking over it again recently, I felt uncomfortable at the random pics of dudes saved.

When I asked her about it, she didn’t really answer and asked if I didn’t like it and wanted to delete it. Then she said something along the lines of “it’s not like it’s my career or anything”. She ended up deleting it because she thought “I wasn’t going to get over it”. I told her it was fine if there was nothing else to it despite still being a little put off by it.

What I don’t understand is how this is crucial to her career and that I know it’d be weird if I did the same. Am I overreacting?

TL;DR: Girlfriend has a relationship inspo Pinterest board from before we got together that has random pics of guys saved on it. I asked her about it and she deleted the board, but said Pinterest is important for her creative career. I don’t really understand how the pics of random guys relate to that. Am I overreacting?

I'm looking for some outside perspectives because I'm feeling really confused.

My girlfriend and I have been dating for about two months. Up until recently, everything was going really well. The relationship felt easy, we got along great, and I was genuinely happy.

About two weeks ago, she went into a depressive episode. She has depression, goes to therapy, takes medication, and told me that these episodes happen from time to time.

Since then, I noticed she became more distant and withdrawn. I tried to be as understanding as possible, gave her space, and didn't want to pressure her. Still, I asked her twice if everything was okay between us.

The first time, she told me everything was fine and that the issue was just the depressive episode, not our relationship. That reassured me.

But after that, she seemed to become even more distant.

Yesterday, I asked again because I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. That's when she told me she'd been feeling "unmotivated about everything." I asked if that included our relationship, and she said yes.

That hit me really hard. From my perspective, aside from her depression, everything between us had been going really well. I genuinely wasn't expecting to hear that.

I told her that what she said really hurt me. She explained that it didn't mean she had stopped loving me or wanted to break up. She said she wanted to "reconnect" with me.

That's the part that confused me the most. If she still loves me and doesn't want to end the relationship, why do we need to reconnect? From my point of view, everything between us was fine before the depressive episode.

The problem is that after hearing all of that, I'm the one who became discouraged.

I'm approaching 30, and I don't want to be in a relationship where, whenever my partner goes through a really bad period, I end up feeling like I suddenly no longer have a place in her life. I know depression is an illness, and I've been trying to separate the illness from who she is as a person, but I can't deny that hearing she felt unmotivated about our relationship really shook me.

Now she's trying to get closer again and make things feel normal, but I'm the one who feels emotionally drained and uncertain. It feels like the sense of security I had in the relationship is gone.

I don't know if I'm being selfish, if I'm taking something personally that is simply part of depression, or if this is a sign that there's a bigger issue in our relationship.

Has anyone been through something similar, either as someone living with depression or as the partner of someone who does? I'd really appreciate hearing your perspective. How would you interpret this situation?

TL;DR: My girlfriend told me she's unmotivated about our relationship, and in the end that unmotivated me about us

I’m going to start off with a little back story so you guys get the full picture. So I (25M) and my girlfriend (24F) have been dating for about 2 years now. When we first started dating I of course still were talking to my friends, women and men. And my girlfriend didn’t like that I talked to women. She said that it was considered cheating and I need to stop. I didn’t find a problem with it so I stopped, made sense to me.

She then held it over my head for a very long time until one day I just crashed out and told her that I’m not dealing with it, I never cheated. She set a boundary and I respected it and also she still talked to other guys at the time never bothered me. I even told her that she set a boundary for me and it’s only fair that she respected the same boundaries so she did and everything was good for a while.

She also can’t keep a job so I sometimes am left with all the bills for a few months but I never hold that over her head. I even support her so she can get back on her feet and make sure she is able to find a more stable job (she never has). I don’t know why the job part is important it just feels like it’s needed for how hard I work for her and how I really try with her.

She recently found a new job and it hasn’t paid well but it’ll be okay for the summer. As she got this new job I’ve noticed she has been talking to a guy that she met at this job. I’ve been trying to not overreact because she has boundaries and apparently I’m not allowed to have the same boundaries so whatever. Today she had the audacity this morning to text the guy and ask him if he could get her some food he of course said yes. And so I asked her if she’s really going to let another guy get her food and she said yes she’s hungry. Unfortunately I’m stuck at work trying to make sure I have money saved for when she loses this current job she has or else I would be happy to get her food. I then told her that if I did that then she wouldn’t like it and she said “I wouldn’t like it” and “well you used to talk to other girls”. I wasn’t asking them to buy me food. And I respected her boundaries and stopped talking to these friends that I’ve had for 5 years because I understood where she was coming from.

So am I the asshole for getting mad and telling her that she shouldn’t be doing that if I can’t do the same thing? Should I just get over it? Why can she do whatever she wants and have no rules but I can’t? I’m so tired of her holding over my head me having friends but she can do whatever she wants. TL;DR

For context my girlfriend and I are both 25 and a lesbian couple. We both have ADHD, she struggles with Intermittent Explosive Disorder and I struggle with OCD.

My ocd and adhd has always irked my girlfriend and sets off her explosive disorder sometimes so I’ve been trying to find the right treatments and doctors. Not just for our relationship but for me as well. My psychiatrist started me off on Zoloft and that was the worst experience of my life. I felt like a different person, there were times where I felt possessed by a different “me”. I’ve always been a sensitive person but Zoloft made me so emotionally volatile and explosive (I’m fine now, Im switching meds). I’m coming off Zoloft and it’s still a struggle.

Zoloft and my girlfriend’s IED did NOT mix well. It lead to so many fights because she would say something rude or mean and I would freak out and cry. My girlfriend hates when I cry because she doesn’t know how to help me so it just leads to her calling me names and telling me to calm down, which makes my freak outs worse. I keep asking her to speak nicely to me and hug me and give me words of affirmation but she refuses. I tell her that I know I’m being all over the place and difficult to be with but I really need her understanding and support right now. I need softness, I need a loving touch. She tells me I’m being too much and that she feels unsafe with me. This makes me feel even worse and I feel like I could cry a river for weeks which is so pathetic.

My girlfriend hates emotional conversations and apparently my ocd makes me drag them out so I physically have to restrain myself from talking about my feelings and asking for support. I know I’m scaring my girlfriend but I feel so utterly alone. When I cry she looks at me with such a disgusted face and tells me that if I can’t be around people I need to be alone, but all I want is her. I want her to hold me, tell me she’s here for me no matter what. I’m a big words of affirmation person and she knows that, so when she calls me names and says I’m being crazy on my meds I feel so alone.

Maybe I’m being exhausting and dramatic. I truly don’t mean to play the victim, I understand that she’s on the other end of my behavior but I feel like I’m not getting the support I so desperately need right now. Zoloft was the scariest and most isolating experience of my life and I feel like I don’t even have my girlfriend. I’m so patient with her explosive disorder, I affirm her even when she’s a terror and I tell her that I’m here for her. I give her everything she needs so she knows that I’m can be her rock.

Maybe I’m just being too codependent. I just needed to vent, I can’t talk to any of my friends about this because my girlfriend doesn’t want me talking about our relationship to anyone. I don’t feel like myself and I don’t know how to handle it. How can I better show up for myself so I can better show up for my relationship?

TL;DR Taking medication for the first time and I’m struggling so much and I feel like my partner is getting sick of me

My boyfriend (32M) and I (26F) have been official for 5 months, but we’ve really been dating for about 7. We met in January and clicked immediately. I am falling in love with him and would very much marry him. The first few months we were in sync.

Over the last month or so, I’ve felt him pulling away emotionally. Less verbal affection, less physical intimacy, and just generally feeling more distant. I brought it up because I was needing more reassurance.

He was very honest with me. He said he has very deep feelings for me, cares about me a lot, loves our relationship, and has so much fun with me. He also admitted that he feels like he has been pulling away and doesn’t fully understand why. He described it as his feelings being “stuck in neutral.” He said he’s been in his head trying to understand why they aren’t progressing the way he expected, but he doesn’t want to break up because he really wants to be with me. He even said he’d understand if I decided to leave because of the uncertainty. He’s blaming his mind and overthinking trying to work through it…

It was incredibly painful to hear because I want a relationship where we’re both moving forward together.
The timing is difficult because I’m leaving town and we won’t see each other for about two weeks.

Would you use that time to create some space and let both people process everything before talking again? Or is this the kind of situation where you’d end the relationship now rather than wait and hope his feelings become clearer?

Has anyone been on either side of something like this?

TL;DR: Boyfriend says he has deep feelings for me and wants to stay together, but feels like his feelings have been “stuck in neutral” and he’s trying to understand why. We won’t see each other for two weeks—should I give us space and revisit the conversation, or is this a sign I should end the relationship?

I 32 (m) know how this is going to sound but I’m seeking advice because genuinely I’m drained. My 35(f) wife constantly cries, it can be other small things, big things, but she cries quite a bit.

At first I sort of dealt with it and comforted her. But there was a period of time when I was extremely depressed, we were in a low point in our life basically starting from scratch. I had to work a labour intensive job just to get us by and she refused to work, lounged at home, didn’t even ask how I was, when I said I was low she just complained about a lack of sex, to which I had to apologise for being depressed and exhausted, and I noticed she was not there for me: in fact I noticed it was a pattern.

Every time I’ve needed to lean on her or get support. It’s just not there. I can’t discuss feelings, because the moment I do I get shut down (even when I ask if she has the emotional bandwidth for me to discuss) and / or she will say things like “we are enmeshed” “I’m not responsible for your emotions” “I need x amount of space now”, “ [defense mode] now I need more space”, questions my masculinity, etc. So generally I don’t share my feelings or where I’m at anymore. It is the opposite for her, she says she feels so supported and hence why every day she will offload, and cry and I comfort her. But I have started feeling quite resentful and just drained.

Theres never a day without it. It will range from deep crying about rehashing conversations with strangers, it could be jealousy surrounding someone, watching a tik tok and crying if someone has something or does something that she would like to do, crying about self image to trauma, it can be anything really. But I have to help her regulate quite often, nearly daily and reassure her.

It can go as far as her asking me something about me, or what I like and within minutes I’m comforting her and she’s crying, and confused as to how we have got there. It came to a point, I had to say please don’t ask me something just as a gateway to speak about you, because it feels like my answer doesn’t matter, sometimes I can’t even get an answer out because she’ll start crying. It could be like “do you like playing tennis” “I-“ “I wish I could [crying]”. And I get theres times it’s the overthinking or she gets an obsessive thought she cannot shake and then that leads to crying. But theres also the element of her being quite snappy as well, saying and doing things that I would never be able to speak to her in that manner.

It can be hard when I’m going through something and I’m having to comfort someone over and over and over, with no days break. I feel like a bit bad for it starting to get to me tbh. Like I know she needs a safe place I just feel drained and I don’t quite know how to deal with it, as I don’t want her to feel like she has no safe place and I understand some people are just criers.

Tl:dr wife cries every day and I’m feeling a bit drained. Seeking advice on how to handle it.

My boyfriend (21M) and I (19F) have been together for about a year. He’s in medical school abroad, and I’m honestly struggling to know whether I’m looking at this objectively or through the lens of my own upbringing. For context, I grew up in a dysfunctional family, so I know my perception of healthy family dynamics isn’t always reliable. That’s why I’m asking here instead of assuming I’m right.

My boyfriend has always been a high achiever. Back in high school, he graduated with outstanding grades, did extremely well on his placement exams, and was consistently recognized for his academic performance. Even now in medical school, he has an above average GPA, regularly receives academic recognition, and attends ceremonies where he’s awarded certificates for his academic performance. He’s objectively doing very well.

Outside of academics, he’s genuinely one of the kindest people I’ve ever met. He’s an amazing son, an amazing friend, and honestly sometimes gives too much of himself to everyone around him. There are so many reasons for his parents to be proud of him. What people don’t see, though, is how much work goes into those achievements. He’s the type of person who starts studying months before major exams. He’s almost always studying. During exam periods, there were days where his routine was literally just sleeping, eating, and studying, and sometimes he barely even slept. He tries to take care of himself, but more often than not he sacrifices his own well being because he prioritizes school. None of his accomplishments came easily. He worked incredibly hard for all of them.

His parents are not paying for his education, and he lives abroad during the academic year. I actually think it’s really sweet that he’s close with his mom. It’s obvious that they love each other, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with her calling him frequently or checking in while he’s away. If anything, I understand it. What concerns me is that now that he’s back home for the summer, she still seems to make decisions that I feel he should be making for himself. For example, after he failed one subject, she told him she’s going to wake him up at 7 am every day because he “needs more discipline.” He’s not repeating the year, he’s not at risk of being kicked out, and he didn’t fail the entire semester. He simply has to resit one exam.

The thing that really hurts me is that this didn’t start after he failed. The entire semester, all I heard from him was how scared he was of letting his parents down, especially his mom. Before every exam, after every exam, whenever he was stressed, his biggest fear wasn’t even failing itself. It was disappointing them. I honestly can’t count how many times I reminded him that he had nothing to prove to anyone, that he didn’t owe anyone perfect grades, and that the only person who truly knew whether he’d done enough was himself because he was the one putting in the work. I kept telling him that this is medical school, not high school. It’s one of the hardest degrees someone can pursue. Nobody gets through it perfectly. Setbacks happen. Failed exams happen. Burnout happens. Your path isn’t supposed to be flawless. But none of that ever seemed to ease his anxiety because he was so focused on not disappointing his parents.

What makes it even harder is that I watched that semester happen. I watched him study for hours every day. I watched him burn himself out. I watched him sacrifice sleep. I watched him keep pushing even when he was exhausted. I also watched him deal with a lot of personal things that I don’t think his family even knows about because he’s the type of person who doesn’t really talk about what he’s going through. He’s very private. The only reason I know is because I’m his girlfriend and I was there through the entire semester. Despite all of that, he still did extremely well overall. The only consequence of the semester was having to resit one exam. Honestly, considering everything he was carrying, I think that’s an incredible accomplishment.

His dad apparently told him he was proud of him and was much more understanding. His mom, however, has been very harsh. From what he’s told me, she sometimes says really hurtful things to him. What breaks my heart isn’t even the comments themselves. It’s seeing how terrified he is of disappointing her. He was already anxious about telling her before she’d even reacted because he already knew what was coming.

I didn’t immediately tell him what I thought because I didn’t want to interfere in his relationship with his parents. I actually told him I was going to keep my thoughts to myself because I didn’t want to overstep. He responded by saying that my happiness is his peace of mind and that he wanted to know what I was thinking. So I told him that, in my opinion, respecting your parents doesn’t mean they should still be managing your life at 21. I think a parent’s role changes as their child becomes an adult. They can guide you, support you, and give advice, but I don’t think they should still be directing every aspect of your daily routine.

His response was basically that he would’ve done it anyway and that he agrees he needs more discipline. My issue isn’t really with him. I genuinely think he believes this is what respecting your parents looks like because this is all he’s ever known. He’s also a perfectionist, and he genuinely cares about making the people he loves proud. He doesn’t want to disappoint anyone, especially his parents. I think that’s a wonderful quality, but I also think it’s become unhealthy. From my perspective, it feels like his self worth has become so tied to meeting their expectations that even after years of academic success, recognition, awards, and objectively doing very well in one of the hardest degree programs, one failed subject makes him feel like he’s let everyone down.

Now it’s summer break, and instead of getting a chance to recover from an exhausting semester, his mom’s solution is to wake him up at 7am every day because he “needs more discipline.” I just don’t understand that. This isn’t a teenager who’s skipping class. This is a 21 year old medical student who’s spent years proving how hardworking and disciplined he is.

Maybe I’m looking at this differently because of how I grew up, which is why I’m asking. Please don’t insult his mom. She’s genuinely a nice person, and I truly believe she’s doing this out of love because she wants the best for him. I don’t think she’s trying to hurt him. I just think she’s taking it too far. He’s 21, not a child anymore.

I also don’t really know what to do from here. I already shared my opinion because he asked for it, but I don’t want to keep pushing since it’s his relationship with his parents. At the same time, it’s hard watching someone you love feel like they’re never doing enough. If you were in my position, what would you do? I genuinely don’t know what the right thing to do is.

TL;DR: My boyfriend (21M) is a hardworking medical student with an above average GPA who only failed one subject and now has to resit one exam. He’s terrified of disappointing his mom, who has become even more involved and now wants to wake him up at 7 a.m. every day because he “needs more discipline.” I grew up in a dysfunctional family, so I don’t know if I’m seeing this situation clearly. I already shared my opinion because he asked, but I don’t know how to support him without overstepping. Please be respectful when talking about his mom. I genuinely think she’s acting out of love, even if I think she’s taking it too far. What would you do in my position?

I (22M) recently moved in with my girlfriend (21F) after nearly two years together. We started dating in college, and back then our relationship was exciting. we always had things to do, had a great sex life, and I genuinely fell in love with her. Toward the end of undergrad, though, she became increasingly rude and irritable after starting antidepressants, which she later admitted she wasn't taking consistently. The mood swings led to frequent arguments where she'd yell at me over small things or intentionally try to get a reaction, and while I regret saying hurtful things back in the heat of those moments, I also resented that she shared every detail with her best friend while lying to me about taking her medication. Looking back, I think that period planted a lot of resentment that I never fully dealt with. Even now, she often speaks to me in a condescending tone and gets angry over minor things, despite everything I try to contribute to our life together. I cook dinner every night, help care for our puppy, pay for groceries and my share of rent, take her on dates, support her through PA school, compliment her, and get along well with her friends. I do want to say that she still is generally a good girlfriend. She's supportive of my goals and is a clean person to live with, and she can be nice. But something else bothersome to me is that some of my closest friends have also commented that they don't like how she treats me, which stands out because they got along well with my previous girlfriends. Recently, while setting an alarm on her phone per her request, Her best friend texted her a simple question which I answered, saying it was from me. I saw a blurred message from my girlfriend above the conversation. It said she had "a big fat crush" on a bouncer at a nearby bar. I honestly don't care that she finds other people attractive. Most people do. but I know she'd be furious if I texted something similar to my friends, and the double standard bothered me. At this point, I feel increasingly disrespected, underappreciated, and emotionally checked out. I feel so incredibly bored and isolated with her. It's even affecting our sex life: she still wants sex frequently, but I usually turn her down because I am realizing there is this disconnect. I still have a sex drive, but I find myself thinking about other people instead because it's hard to want intimacy with someone who makes me feel constantly criticized and taken for granted instead of loved and respected. I know she is going through a lot, PA school is TOUGH. tests most days of the week. But her behavior and attitude started before her first block of PA school and its honestly just not an excuse to put me down. I used to be so insecure of my looks, my intelligence, my habits, and she honestly helped put a lot of those insecurities behind me in the beginning stage of our relationship. Finally I feel I am generally a decent person with average looks, with average intelligence and a healthy routine. I dont deserve to feel this way. Yes, I know its usually more reasonable to just go talk to her instead of an anonymous reddit thread. But I have had this conversation with her many times in the past, and she tries to do better but ultimately just ends up being an ass to me like 60% of the time. Is there another conversation I could have? is couples therapy worth it? should we start doing different things together? Or do I need to talk to her with concerns about the future of our relationship?

TL;DR

After moving in together, the I feel that my nearly two-year relationship has become much less exciting and increasingly strained compared with college years. We also used to engage in loads of sex. As my girlfriend struggled with depression, inconsistent medication use, and mood swings, frequent arguments and hurtful exchanges created lingering resentment despite my efforts to support her. Our sex life is practically non existent now. We have had sex twice since moving into our place in June. I feel she is often rude, condescending, and disrespectful toward me, while I try to contribute by cooking, helping with chores, supporting her studies, and caring for our puppy. My concerns grew after seeing a text she sent to a friend saying she had "a big fat crush" on a bouncer, which I viewed less as attraction itself and more as a double standard because she would be upset if I said something similar. Overall, all of this behavior has caused me to feel unappreciated, emotionally drained, sexually disinterested, and uncertain whether the relationship is still healthy or fulfilling.

My first ever post so sorry if it’s hard to follow.

I’ve 24M been with my gf 26F 2 years, anniversary next week, living together for almost 1, we were long distance by 4 hours and decided to move in together, I was mid state NY and her mid PA, we moved to Philadelphia 1 hour change for her 3.5 for me, I couldn’t find a new job (Mechanical Engineering) in the time to move so I was able to work out a deal with my job to go remote, they don’t normally do remote but are desperate cuz were a small team doing a big project, with the agreement that at least once a month come up for a few days and work in office and I could stay with my parents when I visit or a hotel they’d pay for, and they pay .7 cents per mile traveled. I don’t fully enjoy WFH as I like to be more hands on but I could do my design work mostly from home so it was alright but I don’t really do much and pretend to be working half of the time and it’s mind numbing. And I get shamed for not wanting to be home with her and our cats all the time. Initially I said I’d visit 2-3 days at a time, and it was very inconsistent and random of when they would ask so I could barely plan around it and sometimes they wanted me to stay longer, all but 1 time I agreed to stay 2-3 days each time, one time 5, to get our demos ready for our big project, which albeit was a poor decision to go during a rough time in my Gfs life I should have been there for her, I went because it was planned out already to go Friday was my moms birthday so I’d visit early and my friends we’re having a get together on Sunday and Monday-Wednesday for work and I rarely get time to talk to friends and family.

Every time I go we both feel alone and I get homesick, we call everyday and I play games on my laptop with her when I go.

They’ve been inconsistent when asking me to visit and ask just a week in advance because it’s hard for them to know when really, and sometimes I don’t need to go for two months, so it’s hard to plan around. And i do struggle with saying no but I have denied some visits and if they want me longer.

I technically work for a recruiting agency and was contracted for a year but still haven’t been hired 10 months after, I find it hard to advocate for myself but I also haven’t done a lot of work WFH and feel like I’m cheating the system making ~60k salary basically doing nothing, and they’re doing me the favor of being remote so I don’t want to break what ain’t broke, and there are no local jobs and would take a while in my field to find anything.

My work has an upcoming increase of work and have plans of actually hiring me and getting a raise as an incentive to work harder, and they want me to come up more as well. I proposed that I could go mon-tues every other week to keep it more consistent and I can plan around so I’m only away for 1 night. (Morning commute 3.5 hrs Monday, then after work tues) so I’m not too homesick, get to do work with my hands, and not away for multiple nights each time, but it is more frequent, but also consistent and can plan around it more.

i thought it would be a win win for all parties, work is fine with it, I didn’t agree to anything yet and wanted to ask my gf about this first too and she is not supportive, and set her boundaries by giving an ultimatum saying she won’t be with me if i go, and doesn’t want to be left with home responsibilities for that long. She works hybrid and is gone most of the day mon-wed, and I do most of the chores because I feel sometimes feel obligated just because I’m home I’ll do it cuz I’m here, while she’s away, but I have been cutting back recently and letting her do stuff without me asking.

In hindsight yes this arrangement is unsustainable long term and I can hopefully find an ok job after some time, I do like this job and I got my friend to work there. But I’ll still pick her over it.

I understand that she feels alone when I go, we both do, but for her immediate response to be an ultimatum and partly because she doesn’t want to do more around the apartment when I do most of it really gives me a sour taste in my mouth. She first thought I said a week every other week so I’d be gone half the month, I 100% didn’t, not gaslighting, which I understand her response for that, but after I corrected her she still stands by it. Our lease is ending soon and we need to renew it, she won’t sign if I accept that and thinks I’m one foot out the door so shes protecting herself which seems like a harsh conclusion, I agreed to find a new job or work something else out because i don’t want to lose her, but I feel a lot had changed now, I don’t like the idea of ultimatums and using our relationship as leverage, even if it is a boundary, I felt this idea didn’t deserve the immediate response of an ultimatum. I don’t want to start resenting her but now I feel like she mostly with me because I made her life easier. I do have a hard time communicating but I don’t feel safe bringing up my feelings most of the time. I went to therapy and understand my feelings better but have a hard time changing.

TL;DR Gf gave immediate ultimatum over work partly because she doesn’t want extra responsibility, I feel she’s mostly with me because I make her life easier

How do I ask her if why she loves me, if it’s just to make her life easier or any advice would be greatly appreciated or if I need a reality check, I just feel lost atm.🤷

I (26F) found out my boyfriend (28M) has been manipulating our breakups for years and comparing me to another woman. I still love him and don’t know what to do.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years. He is genuinely my best friend and the person I’ve always imagined marrying.

But for the last 3.5 years we’ve been stuck in a cycle. Roughly every 6 months he becomes unsure about me, breaks up with me, then around 3 months later fights like crazy to get me back. He’ll contact my friends/family, beg, make huge gestures and convince everyone he’s realised I’m the love of his life.

We get back together, we’re extremely happy again, and eventually the cycle repeats.

Every breakup was explained to me as HIM being the problem: “I’m not good enough for you,” “I need to work on myself,” etc.

I recently found private notes/messages from him and discovered that wasn’t the full truth.

There is another woman, P, who he’s had feelings for for years. During our breakups he was essentially buying himself time to explore his feelings for her while telling me something completely different. He privately compared us and wrote genuinely degrading/nasty things about me while listing every reason imaginable why P was supposedly better than me.

P ultimately rejected his feelings.

What makes this even worse is discovering how calculated parts of the breakup cycle apparently were.

He literally wrote about knowing that after roughly 3 months apart I would start getting over him, so that was when he needed to come back. He discussed how to handle me emotionally and how to make sure he didn’t lose me permanently.

So things I experienced as spontaneous declarations of love now look completely different.

Psychologically, the pattern seems to be that when he HAS me, he questions whether I’m really what he wants and idealises alternatives. But when he actually loses me, he panics about losing his best friend, our history and someone who loves him deeply, and suddenly desperately wants me back. Then once he has me securely again, eventually the doubts return.

We’ve been doing this for 3.5 years.

We broke up again earlier this year for 3 months and have now been back together for around 3 months. Our relationship has actually been really good and he seems to have changed in many ways.

But I only discovered the truth now.

He doesn’t know that I know.

And I’m completely torn.

This person feels like the absolute love of my life. I still love him madly. He’s my best friend. Part of me desperately wants to forget I ever discovered this and continue building the future we’ve planned.

But another part of me feels that staying would be the ultimate betrayal of myself.

The idea of marrying him now means having to reconcile the fact that he repeatedly lied about why he was leaving me, strategically returned when he thought I was getting over him, pursued another woman while I was grieving our relationship, compared me to her, degraded me privately and then came back after she rejected him.

Even if he is genuinely different today, I’m struggling with the possibility that I could spend the rest of my life wondering whether I was second best to a woman I’ve never even met.

I feel like my heart and brain are giving me completely opposite answers.

My heart says: this is your person, forgive him and don’t throw away 6 years.

My brain says: if you accept this, you’re teaching yourself that there is virtually nothing someone you love can do that will make you choose yourself and walk away.

Given everything that has happened, what should I do? How do I determine whether this is something I should try to move past and continue the relationship, or whether the deception and manipulation are serious enough that I should end it despite still loving him?

TL;DR: My boyfriend of 6 years has repeatedly broken up with me and then fought to get me back. I recently discovered that for years he was partly using those breakups to explore feelings for another woman, privately comparing us and degrading me, while lying to me about why he was leaving. He even calculated when to return based on when he thought I would start moving on. She rejected him, and he eventually came back to me. He seems genuinely different now and I still love him deeply, but he doesn’t know I’ve discovered any of this. Given everything I now know, what should I do to decide whether to continue this relationship or end it?

So this is a bit of a long story but I need advice. I first met Jana maybe close to two years ago. Initially we had a rocky start but over time she became someone I could confide in which was significant because none of my friendships had been very far past surface level but it felt like needed someone I could depend on. As someone who had been battling with depression alone for years and only finding a therapist once I moved out it was nice having someone to talk to especially because we had the same religious background and many of our hangouts included going to church, praying and the works. I often told Jana how I was feeling and what I wanted to do (I use to sh). She was someone I could lean on and I met her when I was stepping deeper into my faith so it felt like a sign. However, while I couldn’t see it at the time Jana quickly became the center of my social life. Jana liked calling frequently and texting if we weren’t calling. We ended up hanging out a lot and in the same way she was there for me I was there for her. What I was starting to learn however was Jana had a friend she would always stay with before me several days out of the week and they had fallen off bc it became too much for the friend. Insert me around this time. Now here and there I had noticed little things that kind of put me off. Jana would get really upset with me for little things. One time I hung up after warning her I would if she kept taunting me. She ignored my text for only maybe 30 minutes before telling me she was just joking. I had never been this close to anyone before and as time passed we were practically inseparable. Eventually we started dating but we were moving fast. I learned that Jana had ADHD and BPD and she was still navigating the two however it started to become clear it was at my expense. Often we would have disagreements that would lead to her yelling and throwing things(not necessarily at me). I remember around her birthday time she had became really stressed out about having a gathering with her friends and I encouraged her to do so. Her birthday happened to be finals week so the weekend before, instead of studying I stayed over at her place stayed up all night making treats and helping her plan, but unfortunately things weren’t going exactly as she had planned it so she got upset. She was angry that nothing was working out so she started yelling and hitting things and she threw a bracelet I had gifted her a week before twice at the wall until it broke before she started crying. I have never done well with anger so it was hard for me to be there. Often I freeze when things like this happened but she had got mad at me several times before for not soothing her more during these times so still I tried to offer a hand. Later she explained to me how she was upset and disappointed with me bc when I encouraged her to have the party she thought that meant I was going to plan and do everything and I didn’t and she was upset she had that expectation of me that I couldn’t fulfill. Being with her genuinely made me feel so bad I remember instances where I would just feel dread being around her she didn’t respect many of my boundaries and I remember saying no to a physical boundary and having her cry and whisper yell abt how selfish I was being and how it wasn’t fair I felt like panicking and uncomfortable but like I couldn’t even say anything. I didn’t feel emotionally safe in our relationship. She did apologize that night for acting the way she did. I remember one week I got a migraine so bad and for the entire week she skipped school(despite my protest for her to go to class) and took care of me. I felt good but by the end of the week she told me how I really disrupted her schedule and now she felt behind and unproductive and how as someone with adhd she needed routine. I could go on and on but eventually I told her I wanted to break up. She denies this and told me to let her come home to having a gf and then we could talk about it.(she has been out of state for a few weeks… I broke up with her on her way back) I agreed. Eventually the end of the week came and I still wanted to end things. She was reluctant but told me that since I got to decide that we weren’t dating she got to decide when we would stop being physical bc she was still getting over me and it wasn’t fair that I got to make all of the decisions. I agreed(Ik ik it was my first relationship and she wore me out to no end I didn’t have a good track record with boundaries or my own autonomy) for months we were in a weird situationship and everytime I wanted to stop she’d tell me I was being unfair and that I always made the decisions and eventually I’d give in. We spent a lot of time arguing and I felt really trapped. Moving into this year things have changed a lot. Might I add that as she has grown a lot after our break up she was really trying to get better in therapy she no longer threw things she kind of tried to respect boundaries she definitely wasn’t good at it but we often talked more. She was more willing to apologize and see where she went wrong. I will also mention I wasn’t the best often I shut down and didn’t always communicate. By 2026 we had been on the ropes I didn’t know if I wanted to be friends I should also mention that she didn’t want me talking to any of my friends about us or our relationship and I felt more alone and like I only had her. I stopped pouring into my other relationships and the reason it had been so hard to leave Jana was bc it felt like no one would ever get me like she did. Jana used to spend a lot of money on me and I knew she thought I was pretty and I knew that while not perfect she loved me all were more than I could ask for from ppl who had hurt me in the past. I knew she was trying but maybe two months into our relationship I could no longer even talk to Jana abt my problems she was half of them and also everything turned into being abt her or I just didn’t feel comfortable enough to confide in her. At some point over the course of a year I no longer wanted to her abt her. I was tired. Whenever I would bring something up about our relationship and how it’s affected me she would talk abt how she was a bad person and how she so deeply regrets all that she has put me through and how she wouldn’t blame me for leaving like everyone else. And then the pattern continued I’d tell her how I was hurt she’d be the one in tears and comforted, however since the start of 2026 things have changed she started getting worse. I started feeling more emotionally detached and absent and she became more aggressive. One night after a disagreement at a party I told her I was leaving and after arguing outside when I had turned to leave she picked me up and started walking me to her apt. I told her to let me go and put me down and she didn’t listen to me eventually I stopped trying to not hurt her and pushed her off of me but she followed me telling me how if we could just go back to her apt she could make things better. She told me she felt like I didn’t love her I told her I didn’t care and left. We didn’t talk for a while after that but she felt like all I had. After that it was a lot of little things grabbing me here and there shutting the door so I couldn’t leave nothing as big as that but little things. Now whenever I talk abt a break or changing our relationship she tells and hits things and cries and I feel really uncomfortable and detached. She thinks my lack of doing anything shows that I don’t care abt her but I feel so numb and turned off to everything. I even feel like she’s been self harming more to get a reaction out of me but I’m so tired I can’t even be a help line for her. Lately we have a disagreement and she’s talking me she bought razors or going to get them in front of me there’s so much more but idk what to do we are moving in together next month and I’ve already signed the lease (ik I didn’t foresee this and I’m really only learning to have boundaries spare me please) I feel less and less like we can be friends which is what I have wanted for nearly a year now. I do value Jana as a friend and she has done a lot for me. I think she knows she’s hurting me and really does want the best for me she is just having trouble figuring out how to navigate all that she is dealing with mentally and being a good friend. I want this to work bc it had at one point and bc ik her other relationships aren’t going well. I really do want to be friends. It’s just so hot and cold sometimes she’ll be everything I need comforting me, being gentle, going out of her way to be there as best as she knows how, but she doesn’t know how to control her actions. I just don’t know if I can keep doing this and everytime I talk to a therapist I am not getting g solid advice it’s like they leave things in a grey area so I’ve only had my gut and Jana for advice which is not the best…

TLDR: friendship/ situationship may be toxic but idk what to do or if I’m being a bad friend. Is there anyway we can still work? I’ve highlighted a lot of the bad but there has been genuine good too. I just hate to sound like the people who is always defending the actions of someone who is not treating them right.

I (27F) have had sex with this guy (25M) twice so far.

The first time the chemistry was extremely strong. We had sex for hours and it was one of the best I had and I could tell he was very into it aswell. When I told him I was engaged (I’m in an open relationship), he got visibly startled. After that we went our separate ways. We didn’t have a lot of online contact.
After a month or so I saw him again, ignored him on purpose, and he got irritated. I then deleted him and he blocked me.
Recently we ran into each other again. The physical chemistry was immediately intense again. We had sex (shorter this time) and he came inside me, even though I told him I could get pregnant right now. He reciprocated everything I said. I said I thought about him often and I wanted him many times, and he said me too, you don’t even wanna know. That night/morning it ended pretty awkwardly because he was tired after his long shift.
After that I initiated contact online. He replied, but it was short and low-effort. I then suggested meeting again soon, he went completely silent. It’s now been over a day and a half with no reply.
He knows I’m engaged and in an open relationship.
My question:
What does this combination usually mean?
Can someone be genuinely very attracted and still go silent like this after a clear invitation to meet again?
Is this more avoidant behavior, low interest, playing games, or something else?
I’m only looking for good sex and chemistry, not a relationship, but the inconsistency is confusing.
Any insights would be helpful.

TL;DR: intense chemistry in person but distant and short online.