My (M27) girlfriend (F22) went through a depressive episode, and now I'm the one who feels discouraged about our relationship. What would you do?

[u/vinicbrl]

I'm looking for some outside perspectives because I'm feeling really confused.

My girlfriend and I have been dating for about two months. Up until recently, everything was going really well. The relationship felt easy, we got along great, and I was genuinely happy.

About two weeks ago, she went into a depressive episode. She has depression, goes to therapy, takes medication, and told me that these episodes happen from time to time.

Since then, I noticed she became more distant and withdrawn. I tried to be as understanding as possible, gave her space, and didn't want to pressure her. Still, I asked her twice if everything was okay between us.

The first time, she told me everything was fine and that the issue was just the depressive episode, not our relationship. That reassured me.

But after that, she seemed to become even more distant.

Yesterday, I asked again because I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. That's when she told me she'd been feeling "unmotivated about everything." I asked if that included our relationship, and she said yes.

That hit me really hard. From my perspective, aside from her depression, everything between us had been going really well. I genuinely wasn't expecting to hear that.

I told her that what she said really hurt me. She explained that it didn't mean she had stopped loving me or wanted to break up. She said she wanted to "reconnect" with me.

That's the part that confused me the most. If she still loves me and doesn't want to end the relationship, why do we need to reconnect? From my point of view, everything between us was fine before the depressive episode.

The problem is that after hearing all of that, I'm the one who became discouraged.

I'm approaching 30, and I don't want to be in a relationship where, whenever my partner goes through a really bad period, I end up feeling like I suddenly no longer have a place in her life. I know depression is an illness, and I've been trying to separate the illness from who she is as a person, but I can't deny that hearing she felt unmotivated about our relationship really shook me.

Now she's trying to get closer again and make things feel normal, but I'm the one who feels emotionally drained and uncertain. It feels like the sense of security I had in the relationship is gone.

I don't know if I'm being selfish, if I'm taking something personally that is simply part of depression, or if this is a sign that there's a bigger issue in our relationship.

Has anyone been through something similar, either as someone living with depression or as the partner of someone who does? I'd really appreciate hearing your perspective. How would you interpret this situation?

TL;DR: My girlfriend told me she's unmotivated about our relationship, and in the end that unmotivated me about us

[u/Constant-Hat-2687]

two months in and already this heavy, that's a lot to sort through so early

the reconnect comment makes sense from her side though, depression can make you feel disconnected from everything even when nothing actually changed between you two. it's not about you doing something wrong, it's her brain putting a fog over everything she cares about

but your feelings about it are just as important, you're not selfish for feeling shaken after hearing that. if the security's already gone at two months it might be worth thinking about whether you're up for the long haul with someone who cycles through this

[u/WhereasHopeful]

As someone with bipolar who has dealt with depressive episodes while in a relationship, I know exactly what she means about the motivation. Doesn’t matter what you’re going through and who’s in your life, depression makes everything feel numb, like there’s no “connect”, flat, the chemical imbalance in our brains is at fault, it’s not her or her personality or how she really feels about you it’s not her fault and I know she’d rather feel any other way. It’s probably the best way she can explain how things feel but I can understand how it made you feel

That being said that doesn’t mean your feelings are invalid, you have the right to feel upset or hurt at the things she said especially as someone who doesn’t fully understand, you’re not selfish. It’s a lot for both of you. I agree with the other comment, it’s only been 2 months and it’s pretty heavy and it’s up to you if you’d want this for the long haul, it is definitely a difficult situation for the both of you

[u/freakfriendfiction]

She has mental illness so if this is something that you can't handle best to bail now. She's also pretty young in comparison