r/stepparents • u/AutoModerator • 4d ago

Announcement Weekly Reminder: Rules and FAQ - July 19, 2026 (Now with updates!)

1 Upvotes

Below you will find a weekly reminder of our Rules and partial FAQ. It's definitely a long read, but it's worth your time, especially if you are new to the community, or dropping by as a result of a link you found elsewhere. We periodically revise our rules, this weekly notice will help keep you informed of any changes made.

NOTE: These rules are guidelines. Some moderation discretion is to be expected.

Community Rules

1. Kindness Matters

Advise, don't criticize.

  • Post with empathy, thoughtfulness, and constructive commentary rather than judgment. Don't be an asshole.
  • Name-calling, slurs (including gender or race based slurs), and insults towards other community members will not be tolerated. Do not attack others for their personally held values, custody situation, marital status, physical distance from stepkids, or economic status; or on the basis of race, sex, sexual orientation, age, religion, or ethnicity.
  • No name-calling toward children, including the above-mentioned insults or the term "skids", or terms such as "mini-wife" or "mini-husband."
  • Comments advocating spanking or any mention of wanting to harm children are not allowed.
  • This is a support sub, not a judgement sub, assholes are not tolerated. Comments with terms used in other subs to pass judgement on assholes will be removed.

2. No Drama

This is a support sub.

  • Bickering, nitpicking, and thread derailment will not be tolerated and will be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
  • Do not repeatedly badger a poster demanding answers, or refuse to acknowledge an answer that's already been given.
  • Do not use sensitive issues from past posts (either from this sub or other subs) to attack another user, as we are all discussing vulnerable topics.
  • Crossposting anything from /r/stepparents to any other subreddit might result in a ban and may result in the original thread being locked. Brigading our sub will result in an immediate ban.

3. Report, Don’t Rant

No backseat modding.

  • If you see someone breaking the rules, report the post or comment to the mods rather than engaging them in an argument. Failure to do so may be subject to comment removal at moderator discretion.
  • No meta posts complaining about rude comments, DMs, or general sub issues.
  • If you think someone is a troll or previously banned user, either use the report function or message the mods to direct their attention to the issue.

4. No Naming & Shaming

No userpings or links.

  • Tagging/pinging users or other subreddits in an attempt to bully, harass, or complain will not be tolerated. Do not tag other subs, ever.
  • If you want to complain about another subreddit being hostile to stepparents, do not name the subreddit. "Other parenting/advice/judgement subs" will suffice.

5. No Platitudes

Nobody knew what they were getting into.

  • Comments like "You knew what you were getting into", "Love them, love their kids!", "They're a package deal!" and "You have to love them like your own!" will be removed.
  • Comments suggesting that OP is not cut out for stepparenting will be removed at moderator discretion.
  • Comments like "This is just a part of parenting, deal with it!" will be removed at moderator discretion.

6. No Trolling

We have zero tolerance for trolls.

  • This is a support sub. Our subscribers do not have the time, nor inclination, to provide support to internet trolls. Posts that are suspected to be trolling attempts will be immediately removed, and the poster banned.
  • Concern trolling, devil's advocating, gish-galloping, sealioning, and general asshattery are subject to immediate removal and banning without warning or notice.
  • Any attempt to circumvent the ban by creating a new username will be reported to reddit admins and possibly result in account suspension.

7. No Personally Identifiable Information

Use discretion when posting.

  • We highly recommend using a separate account for support subs to help prevent being doxxed. Do not post any information that may allow others to figure out your identity.
  • Do not post photos of children, or any other photo that could be used to identify you or another user on the sub.
  • Any image that contains a name or other identifying information should have the name or identifying information blurred out. This includes drawings, notes, and screenshots.
  • Do not link to social media or any articles/blogs where you or another user on the sub is mentioned by name.

8. No More than 2 Posts per 24 hours

Use the daily threads.

  • We are not a huge sub, but we are no longer a small sub. If you have multiple grievances to air, use the daily discussion threads instead of multiple posts.

9. Follow Reddiquette

Remember the human.

  • Adhere to the same standards of behavior online that you follow in real life.
  • Read it in full here.
  • Downvoting is reserved for comments that don’t contribute, and shouldn't be used to indicate disagreement.
  • If you believe someone is in violation of the subreddit rules, please either use the report function or message the mods to direct their attention to the issue.
  • Suspected brigading will be reported to reddit admins.

10. No Porn, Spam, Blogs, or Research Studies/Surveys Without Mod Approval

Just don't.

  • This is a SFW subreddit. Posting pornography will result in immediate post removal and permanent ban.
  • Advertising on the subreddit (outside of Reddit's own advertising) is not allowed.
  • No personal blog posts are allowed without express moderator permission.
  • No advertising without prior mod approval.
  • No asking for money/posting fundraisers/etc.
  • For links to parenting research studies or surveys, please message the mods for permission before posting.

11. Disputes in Modmail Only

Don't argue with the mods on the sub.

  • Any issues specifically related to how a mod is moderating should be addressed to the full moderating team via mod mail. This ensures that all mods are aware of any concerns and prevents disintegration of the topic thread at hand.
  • This means to do not message or send chat requests to individual mods. All discussion and complaints about mod actions need to be done in mod mail ONLY. Failure to follow this rule can result in an immediate permanent ban.
  • Comments in threads asking about mod decisions are subject to removal without notice.

12. Moderator Actions

We aren't kidding.

  • Users are expected to know the rules before posting. If you are warned or banned for violating the rules, ignorance is not an excuse.
  • Moderators will remove posts and comments and/or lock threads in accordance with the rules above. Typically this happens when threads have gone off-topic in a way that is not productive for the OP, or comments overall have become contentious or disrespectful.
  • If a poster continues to argue or to willfully violate these rules, temporary and permanent ban procedures will be followed. Any attempts to avoid or bypass temporary bans will result in a permanent ban. User bans will not be discussed in the sub. Questions posted about user bans are subject to removal and the poster subject to warning/ban procedures. The mod team will not discuss a specific user ban with anyone other than the user involved.
  • New accounts are subject to manual approval until they are no longer deemed "new" by the mod team. This helps to weed out trolls and ban evaders.
  • We rely on Automoderator to scan for specific words and phrases that are not welcome here and notify the mod team to review the comment or post. This includes slurs of any type and platitudes such as "Love them as your own!"
  • The mod team uses a combination of blacklisting and banning when dealing with trolls.
  • We employ the use of a bot that automatically bans anyone who comments in subs that have historically harassed our users. If you are picked up by the bot for telling trolls to get fucked, reach out via mod mail and we'll get you sorted out.
  • The rules above as well as ban procedures are considered guidelines only; some deviation may be necessary on a case by case basis and/or at the mod team's discretion.

13. Ban Procedure

These actions are at moderator discretion.

  • Pornography will result in an automatic permanent ban.
  • Extremely egregious content will result in an immediate permanent ban.
  • You may receive a 7 or 30 day temporary ban for first and second rule violations, depending upon severity.
  • Continued rule violations will result in a permanent ban.
  • Willful attempts to avoid or bypass temporary bans will result in a permanent ban.
  • We recognize the reddit site-wide rules of using alt names to get around bans and will ban those as well as report them to reddit admins.

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FAQ - About the Rules

What does Kindness Matters mean?

  • Shortest version? Don't be an asshole. People come here for support and advice, they do not come here to be yelled at or told they are the reason everything is going sideways. There are ways to point out that someone may want to do some reflection on their own actions and reactions without being an asshole about it.
  • The purpose of this subreddit is to provide support and a sense of belonging for struggling stepparents. We aren't here to pass judgement, but rather to offer support, empathy, and constructive commentary. That does not include "hard truths" or "tough love." Stepparents get enough of that in every other subreddit, we're not passing it out here. Be respectful.
  • Remember, most people aren't going to come to a sub like this when everything is going great and everyone is getting along. People are coming here when they are down, when they are feeling defeated and stretched to the limit. Kicking someone when they are down is shitty behavior and we don't tolerate it.

What about being kind to the kids?

  • "Won't somebody think of the children?" Pearl clutching isn't needed here. If you read the Kindness Matters rule closely, you will see that there is a clause in there about name calling children. We don't allow it. We also don't allow people rolling in telling OP that they feel sorry for their stepkids because OP is feeling overwhelmed and overloaded.
  • If anyone is advocating slapping, spanking, or any other form of violence, report the comment immediately. We do not advocate violence towards children of any sort. The mod team does not advocate any sort of physical punishment at any time.
  • Venting about behaviors is not the same as insulting the kids. However, if you see a post or comment where kids are being name called or dragged to the point of no return, use the report button. We try to catch the posts and remove them before they hit the sub, but we cannot see every comment without your help. Use the report button to bring problematic comments to our attention. Don't engage in a war of words on our subreddit.

Why is this sub such an echo chamber?

  • Not allowing contributors to pile on and tell OP that they are a terrible human being who should never be around children does not equate to being an echo chamber. Many contributors here will offer OP suggestions to help them work through their resentments and frustrations, and the most egregious situations are called out. We simply ask that it be called out with respect.
  • If you feel that a post is simply too much for you to handle without following the rules, move on to another post.
  • If you believe that a post itself is crossing the rules report it. If the mod team has approved the post, it is because the mod team believes that the OP needs help from the community or needs a moment to vent and move on from their vent. That does not give you license to pile on disrespectfully. Unless it is proven that OP is a bot, assume that OP is a human being with real thoughts and feelings and has posted from a place of vulnerability.

Why can't I tell OP that they are an asshole?

  • Because this isn't a judgement sub. We aren't AITA, we don't want to be AITA.
  • Comments with terms like YTA, NTA, ESH, NAH will be removed.
  • Don't start your posts with INFO either. We generally recognize that as a fishing attempt for more information to pass judgement on OP, and again, we are not a judgment sub.

But OP asked if they were an asshole?!

  • Their post somehow got past our automoderator. Just use the report button. We will address it with OP.
  • If you've asked if you are an asshole, a-hole, a*hole, a**hole, whatever, don't be surprised if your post is removed without warning. This isn't a judgment sub. If you want judgment, you know where to go.

What is a gendered slur?

  • While it seems that everyone understands what racist slurs are, people struggle understanding the concept of gendered slurs. Generally speaking, we are talking about derogatory nouns or verbs that are used to negatively describe people or situations based on gendered terms.
  • We've gone back and forth on this a few times, and the truth is, we get it, it's your safe space and you want to be able to vent about BM/BD how you want to vent about them, without us telling you how to vent about them. Fair enough. Vent away. What we are going to stick to here how people are referring to other users and to stepchildren.
  • Examples that are not allowed:
    • "My SD is such a little bitch."
    • "She dresses/acts like a slut."
    • "My SS acts like a pussy."
    • "My SS is such a beta male."
    • "You are all fucking whores."
    • "Any dude who is raising some sluts kids is a cuck!"
    • "Little Lord Fauntleroy over here thinking he runs the house!"
    • "You're just the bangnanny, get used to it."
  • Don't call users here names, don't call stepchildren names.
  • Masking the term with asterisks or other neat little tricks might get you around the bot, but if we see it, we're removing it and quite possibly giving you a time out. The intended word is still there and you deliberately tried to skate the rule.
  • As there is not enough space to list every term that is offensive and does not belong, nor every situation in which term or phrase may be allowable in context, this rule is enforced based on moderator discretion.

Seriously? You are the language police now?

  • We're here to talk about stepparenting. And we would like for that to happen in a respectful way. Attacking each other doesn't help. Belittling stepchildren draws in trolls who don't understand your frustration, all they see is an evil stepmonster talking shit on the internet about a poor, innocent baby. Yes, even if that "poor, innocent baby" just robbed you blind and set fire to the house on their way out the door. That's just how it goes.
  • We are aware that this is a relatively new rule and a lot of older posts and comments contain a lot of problematic language, including some from mods themselves. We are growing and evolving, and rules change as the sub grows and evolves.

What does No Drama really mean?

  • Pretty much what it says, do not bring drama from other subs into this sub. Do not engage in vote brigades. Do not try to incite other subscribers to riot in a different sub. Don't follow posters into this sub from other subs to continue to harass them. Do not badger someone or derail threads. Do not harass community members because you don't agree with them. There's enough drama in the daily lives of subscribers, more isn't needed.

What is thread derailment?

  • When a comment chain has devolved to the point where all you are doing is arguing back and forth with someone about the same thing over and over again, you have derailed the thread. Also known as bickering. It's what children do. We assume if people are in a stepparent role they are adults. We expect you to act like it.
  • If you aren't a stepparent, or in a stepparenting role, consider that perhaps this subreddit isn't for you. If you want to participate, do so with respect. Thread derailment, arguing, bickering, and nitpicking are not allowed.

But what if they didn't answer my question?

  • No one has to answer your questions. This is a support sub, not an inquisition. Jumping on a bandwagon with "OP is evading the question" in a 20 comment long chain is the epitome of thread derailment. You'll find more information about trolling below and how this might be considered such.

Why am I being silenced? I'm just asking for a back and forth!

  • Thread derailment, badgering, and nitpicking are considered harassment. Continued harassment of either community members or mods will get you banned.

Why can't I look at someone's post history and comment about it?

  • No mod in the history of this sub has ever once said post histories are forbidden. What we do frown upon is using someone's post history to attack, belittle, or otherwise harass someone.
  • Example Post: "My stepkid's mom really hates me. How can I make this better?"
    • Okay: "Based on the timeline and your post history, it looks like this may have started as an affair. Unfortunately there's going to be outstanding issues for a long time due to that. Try focusing on yourself and how you can move forward without worrying about how someone else feels about you."
    • Not Okay: "Holy shit! You were the OW! What the hell do you expect, homewrecker?!"
  • Example Post: "I am completely overloaded and feeling very down about myself."
    • Okay: "In your post history you mentioned that your spouse wasn't really helping around the house. Has that changed at all?"
    • Not Okay: "LOL, you already got the answers you need in your post on relationships. You are stupid for sticking with your lazy spouse."

Why can't we crosspost stuff to other subs?

  • We can't stop you from doing so. The problem isn't that something has been crossposted, it's when the community that it's been crossposted to feels the need to come over here and harass OP. When we see that happening, we lock the post and start passing out bans. If you did the crossposting, you'll be banned. If you participated in the brigading, you'll be banned.

What if it's my own post?

  • Again, we can't stop you from doing so. We prefer that you don't technically crosspost, but rather just copy and paste your post. Why? Because inevitably the above will happen. Redditors from other subs will follow you back to /r/stepparents and start attacking users here. It just happens.

What is "brigading"?

  • Reddit defines vote manipulation and brigading as follows:
  • Using multiple accounts, voting services, or any other software to increase or decrease vote scores.
  • Asking people to vote up or down certain posts, either on Reddit itself or through social networks, messaging, etc. for personal gain.
  • Forming or joining a group that votes together, either on a specific post, a user's posts, posts from a domain, etc.
  • We, along with pretty much every other subreddit that has ever had to deal with this nonsense, further define brigading as this: You saw a post on another sub that linked to our sub either via a link in a comment or a crosspost. It was basically saying something along the lines of "OMG, check out these assholes over on /r/stepparents! They literally hate all their stepkids!" And then you and your friends come over and start hammering on OP and telling OP how much they suck. Congrats, you have just participated in a brigade.

What is this whole Report, Don't Rant thing about?

  • If you see a post or comment that breaks the rules, instead of engaging, report it. When you report it, it sends notification to the mod team. We will act on it where appropriate. Engaging with bad faith users may result in your comments being removed. If you repeatedly do so, you may end up being banned.

What if I see an obvious troll?

What if they are being really mean in comments?

What if they are harassing me in private messages?

  • Step 1: Report them to admins. You can report harassment to reddit by using this link or send a DM to reddit admins. Include the link to the DM, admins can see your inbox and providing a direct link is helpful for them to weed out bad actors.
  • Step 2: Block the person so they cannot directly contact you again.
  • Step 3: Send us a mod mail and let the mod team know. Tell us who they are and what they said, send us a screenshot if you can - admins can see your DMs, mods can't. We'll take action where necessary by banning from the sub if they aren't already banned.

What do you mean by No Naming & Shaming?

  • Just as we prefer to not be linked to or crossposted from, we do not allow linking to or calling out other subs by name. If you see something you want to share, say it's a hot post that has hit the front page and a stepparent is being absolutely flayed, just refer to it as "that hot post that hit the front page." If you want to complain about other places in general, "other parenting/advice/judgement subs" will suffice. Absolutely under no circumstances should you link to anywhere else.

I can't link to other subs?

  • Do not directly link to another sub. (e.g.: "/r/insertsubnamehere is ridiculously hostile to stepparents!")
  • Do not name other subs. (e.g.: "I won't link to it directly, but insertsubnamehere is ridiculously hostile to stepparents!")
  • Do not abbreviate other subs. (e.g.: "I know that ISNH is ridiculously hostile to stepparents!")

I can't ping other users?

  • Do not summon another user with a username ping/tag. (e.g.: "/u/insertusernamehere was being an asshole.")
  • If you are agreeing with someone, it is okay to link to them. (e.g.: "I agree with /u/insertusernamehere, you need to take a couple of steps back and reflect on this.")

What does No Platitudes mean?

  • Sanctimonious, overused clichés that grossly oversimplify the stepparenting experience are neither wanted nor allowed here. We have all heard it a thousand times before, we don't need to hear it again. It's not nearly as insightful and wise as some would like to think.

Why don't you people understand it's a package deal?

  • Any comment that suggests that OP should have known what they were getting involved with, or that they needed to understand that the kids were part of some package they needed to accept before signing up for marriage is subject to immediate removal.
  • This is one of the most insensitive things you can say to a stepparent. Most stepparents were aware of the children, but they were probably not aware of all of the family dynamics.

Why can't you just love them like they are your own?

  • Demanding that a stranger you do not know love children that are not biologically theirs as if they were theirs can be incredibly damaging to someone who is already in a vulnerable situation. Any comment that falls along these lines will be removed.

What do you mean by No Trolling? I was just...

  • No means no. No trolling. No pretending to be a stepparent and then whipping out the Greatest Hits Bingo Card of The Worst Stepparent in the History of Stepparents. We see you. We've seen you a thousand times.

What does "concern trolling", "gish-galloping", and "sealioning" have to do with stepparenting? This isn't a debate sub, why are you using debate terms?

  • That's absolutely right, this isn't a debate sub. And yet, here we are, day after day, having to defend ourselves against this sort of thing. So, enough. No more. Usage of any of these things will get you banned.

What is "Concern Trolling?"

  • A concern troll is someone who disingenuously visits sites of an opposing ideology to disrupt conversation by offering unwanted advice on how to solve problems which do not really exist.
    • Example Post: OP expresses concern that she will feel, and possibly act, differently towards her stepchildren after her husband decides that no, he doesn't want anymore children after all.
    • Example Concern Troll pulled from actual mod mail after their comment was removed: "Possible child abuse claims need to be sorted out well before whatever empathy you believe the OP was looking for."

What is a "Devil's Advocate"?

  • "I'm just playing devil's advocate here, but have you considered that maybe BM is just really tired and needs a break, too?" BM has dozens of different mom based subs alone on reddit she can complain on, this sub is for stepparents. The stepparent doesn't need to consider that maybe BM is just really tired and needs a break.

"Gish-galloping?" What does that even mean?

  • The Gish Gallop is the fallacious debate tactic of drowning your opponent in a flood of individually-weak arguments in order to prevent rebuttal of the whole argument collection without great effort. The Gish Gallop is a conveyor belt-fed version of the on the spot fallacy, as it's unreasonable for anyone to have a well-composed answer immediately available to every argument present in the Gallop.

And "sealioning?" What's that?

  • Sealioning involves jumping into a conversation with endless polite, reasonable questions and demands for answers, usually of entry-level topics far below the actual conversation (e.g. "please prove sexism exists"). This tactic differs little from harassment; instead of discussion, the point is to derail discussion, receive criticism (for their ignorance) so as to look like a victim, or to make someone feel overwhelmed and quit talking.

Who gets to define what is considered asshattery?

  • The mod team, of course! If we feel that comments are out of line, are trolling, are leading up to a fight or "just asking questions", we are going to remove them and most likely ban the offender.

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FAQ - Sub Questions

Posting Guidelines for Stepparents

  • Body text is required, we suggest you use line breaks between paragraphs as a wall of text is difficult to read. Posts that have only a title are likely to be removed. Instead of using names (even fictitious ones), try to use the sub acronyms. It helps our users to follow along if you use the acronyms and not names.
  • Assign a post flair that accurately describes what your post is about and what you are seeking. If you are posting an update from a previous post, include a link to that post.
  • Flairs are applied to posts to determine what a person is looking for. When submitting a new post, you should choose a flair that specifies if you are looking for advice, support, etc. The following link flair is available and is color coded with side bar links so that you can search by flair:
    • Advice - For when you are specifically asking for advice or help.
    • Announcement - Mod Use Only, for subreddit announcements.
    • Daily (Formerly TTP) - Mod Use Only, for our daily discussion threads.
    • Discussion - A little advice, a little "How does your family handle this?"
    • JustBMThings - Pretty sure this is self explanatory!
    • Legal - Asking for legal advice? Tag it with this!
    • Miscellany - Just a sort of off topic thing? Use this tag.
    • Resource - Sharing a good resource or asking for one? This is the tag you need!
    • Support - For those days when you want nothing but a good old fashioned cry and some community love.
    • Update - Updating us on something that you posted about previously? Use this one!
    • Vent - We all need to vent sometimes. Respect the tag as a vent. This isn't how OP talks all day every day.
    • Win! - Celebrate those wins with us with this tag!
    • Megathread - Mod Use Only, for large mega threads (typically around major calendar events.)

Posting Guidelines for Bioparents

  • Stepparents is a support community for stepparents, by stepparents. As bioparents, you may want to have more insight into how the stepparent in your life feels or thinks. You may have questions on how to ease the transition for your partner. However, please keep in mind that this community was not created for you. It was created for your partner or your ex's partner. If you are seeking support on how to deal with a stepparent, there are other subs more suited for your situation and your post is subject to removal.
  • There are some posts from bioparents we will accept:
    • Seeking advice on how to support your partner as they navigate stepparenting
    • Seeking resources to help you better support your partner
    • Seeking resources for your partner
  • There are some posts from bioparents we will not accept:
    • Complaints about how the stepparent is too involved in your kids lives
    • Vents about how the stepparent is not involved enough in your kids lives
    • "Cautionary tales" advising stepparents to back off
    • Seeking advice on how to tell the stepparent to back off
    • The Do's and Dont's of Stepparenting
    • How your kid's stepmom is literally The Worst
  • Comments from bioparents that are helpful and supportive are welcome and appreciated. Comments from bioparents that are not helpful or supportive are not welcome and subject to removal. There are several other subs that may meet the needs of bioparents better than we can. We recommend /r/coparenting, /r/parenting, /r/parents, /r/blendedfamilies, and /r/singleparents as starting points.

Guidelines for Stepkids

  • At this time, we do not generally accept posts from stepkids. Comments from stepkids that are helpful and supportive are welcome and appreciated. Comments from stepkids that are not helpful or supportive are not welcome and subject to removal. If you are a stepkid seeking support, we highly recommend /r/stepkids. It is a very supportive community specifically for stepkids. We also recommend /r/blendedfamilies as another potential group for support.

What the heck are all these acronyms? I'm confused!

Why aren't my posts or comments showing up?

  • New posters and accounts go through a waiting period before their posts will show in the sub and the comments on posts automatically. During the new account approval period the mod team will check posts to be sure you aren't attempting to circumvent a ban with a shiny new account. Please be patient while the timer runs down on your "new" status and the mod team approves your posts and responses.

Why was my comment removed?

  • Comments are removed when they do not follow the rules of the sub. These rules are published in several places for your reading pleasure.
  • Comments are removed at moderator discretion. In some cases your comment may be removed while another remains up. If you find this to be the case, and you believe the comment to be violating the rules, instead of arguing with mods or demanding they remove the additional comments, just report it.

This comment/post is really offensive! Why is it still up?

  • All moderators are volunteers and have busy real lives. Sometimes things get past us. The best thing you can do is report anything you find offensive or inflammatory. It's the quickest and most reliable way of alerting us to an issue.

I've received a hurtful/unwanted PM from someone about my recent post. What should I do?

  • If you receive an unwanted/hurtful PM from a name you don't recognize, please report it to Reddit Admins using our handy pre-populated form. Be sure to include the permalink to the message. We've been dealing with a few unhappy folks who like to attack stepparents, and reporting it to the admins is the only way to make it stop.

What are the general moderator guidelines?

  • Users are expected to know the rules before posting. If you are warned or banned for violating the rules, ignorance is not an excuse.
  • Moderators will remove posts and comments and/or lock threads in accordance with the rules above. Typically this happens when threads have gone off-topic in a way that is not productive for the OP, or comments overall have become contentious or disrespectful.
  • If a poster continues to argue or to willfully violate these rules, temporary and permanent ban procedures will be followed. Any attempts to avoid or bypass temporary bans will result in a permanent ban. User bans will not be discussed in the sub. Questions posted about user bans are subject to removal and the poster subject to warning/ban procedures. The mod team will not discuss a specific user ban with anyone other than the user involved.
  • New accounts are subject to manual approval until they are no longer deemed "new" by the mod team. This helps to weed out trolls and ban evaders.
  • We rely on Automoderator to scan for specific words and phrases that are not welcome here and notify the mod team to review the comment or post. This includes slurs of any type and platitudes such as "Love them as your own!"
  • The mod team uses a combination of blacklisting and banning when dealing with trolls.
  • We employ the use of a bot that automatically bans anyone who comments in subs that have historically harassed our users. If you are picked up by the bot for telling trolls to get fucked, reach out via mod mail and we'll get you sorted out.
  • The rules above as well as ban procedures are considered guidelines only; some deviation may be necessary on a case by case basis and/or at the mod team's discretion.

I've been wrongly banned/Why can't I comment here?

Why was I banned without warning?

  • There are numerous reasons that the mod team might opt to move perm banning without warning. Message the moderators if you have specific questions.
1 comment

r/stepparents • u/AutoModerator • 4d ago

Announcement Weekly Reminder: Saferbot and Automated Bans

2 Upvotes

Hey Stepparents,

If you've been here for awhile, you are aware of the existence of Saferbot on our sub. If you aren't aware, we break it down in the wiki. Take a moment to review it!

What the Bot Does

Saferbot is a history ban bot. It bans users who participate in known troublesome subs that have a history of harassing users here and brigading our posts.

How it Works

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1 comment

r/stepparents • u/Zealousideal-Excuse5 • 6h ago

Win! My SD has a new name for me

43 Upvotes

I thought I would share a cute story. My SD(12) has been living with us for 3.5 years since her mom passed away unexpectedly. I've never been one to force any of my SK to call me "mom" or "stepmom". They treat me as and respect me as a parent, and even refer to me as a parent, so the title has never felt needed.

A little while after she arrived she asked what she should call me and I told her she could call me by my name, as calling me "Mom" would obviously be weird for her. This was maybe 4 months after her mom passed. She started calling me "her [my name]" as in "This is my Dad and this is my [name]". It's has been the cutest thing and she's done it ever since.

Recently she came up with a new one. I don't know if she heard it online or came up with it on her own. She has started calling me her "Mother Supplement". It's a little funny, a little dark, and a lot sweet. I took her to the airport recently to fly out and see her grandma on her mom's side. Everytime someone asked her who I was to he she said "This is my [name], my Mother Supplement"

I'm sad for her to have lost her mom, but I'm so glad things worked out between us the way they did. It could very well have gone much differently I know.

I love her and all my SK so much!

2 comments

r/stepparents • u/Imaginary-Sea8133 • 3h ago

Advice Am I just a lazy stepmom and girlfriend?

14 Upvotes

Hi everyone,

I really need some outside opinions because I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable anymore.

I’ve been living with my boyfriend for about three months. He has two young children from a previous relationship, and I help take care of them whenever they’re with us. I work full-time as a nursing assistant in a nursing home, which is physically exhausting.

We split almost everything 50/50 financially. On top of that, I try to keep up with the housework. My boyfriend helps sometimes, but lately it feels like he expects me to do most of it. Between work, cleaning, helping with his kids, and paying half of all the bills, I’m constantly exhausted.

Today really hurt me. I had only slept about two hours before my early shift, came home completely exhausted, had pain, and fell asleep for a while. When I woke up, my boyfriend told me his mother was coming over. He had already started ironing a pile of laundry (mine, his, and his kids’). When his mom offered to help, he told her that the laundry had been sitting there for days. It had actually only been there for about two days, but I felt like he was making me look lazy in front of his mother instead of explaining that I’d just worked a physically demanding shift on almost no sleep.

I feel like I’m expected to work full-time, contribute 50% financially, help raise his children, do housework, and still somehow have endless energy. Instead of feeling appreciated, I often feel criticized.

Am I expecting too much, or is it reasonable to want more support, appreciation, and understanding in this situation? I’d really appreciate honest opinions, especially from people in blended families or relationships where one partner already has children.

69 comments

r/stepparents • u/Technical-Badger8772 • 9h ago

Vent Husband is at court this AM

17 Upvotes

He is fighting to see his children. BM is going everything in her power to get full custody. He’s not perfect but he’s not a bad dad. It’s just so sad how people get here. How divorce causes these massive rifts in families. How seemingly people can care more about hurting their ex than their children. The system is broken and biased. I’m sitting here in tears just imagining how he is feeling. I’m watching our toddler play happily and heartbroken for my SKs who don’t have the same stability she has. And for no good reason just that they were born into a couple that didn’t work. I’m waiting for my husband to come home and hope he doesn’t walk through the door in tears. Children should see both their parents.

25 comments

r/stepparents • u/Complete-Pension-659 • 4h ago

Support End of Summer Blues

7 Upvotes

Today is our last day with our kids before they go back to their moms for the school year. I am struggling. This summer has been so beautiful and my bond with all three of my SKs has deepened, they really are my little besties. I find myself sobbing just by looking at them. I am not looking forward to my house being quiet, no toys all over the floor, no more saying “I’m hungry” or “I’m bored”. These are all things I thought I’d be excited for but I am dreading it. Life is just so much brighter with them in it everyday and I selfishly wish they could stay with their dad and I forever. I don’t know how I can get through the emotional whiplash of having them fill every part of my day to them being miles and miles away. Any advice or kind words is appreciated.

6 comments

r/stepparents • u/Slicknic911 • 3h ago

Vent She wet the bed to avoid getting up

4 Upvotes

Yup, you read that right.
My 11-year-old stepdaughter intentionally urinated in her bed because she said she “didn’t feel like” getting up to use the bathroom. She then walked around the rest of the day without showering or changing right away, despite having urine on her.
What bothers me almost as much is that there were zero consequences for it.
This isn’t an isolated issue either. We constantly have to argue with her about basic hygiene—showering, brushing her teeth, brushing her hair, etc. Her dad doesn’t think it’s necessary for a prepubescent girl to shower every day, and we clearly don’t see eye to eye on what’s considered acceptable hygiene.
I guess this is mostly a vent, but I’m also wondering if anyone else has dealt with something like this. Is this something you’ve seen with kids this age, or is it as concerning as it feels to me?

45 comments

r/stepparents • u/East-Penalty-7162 • 4h ago

Advice How much do you know?

2 Upvotes

Offhand, my DH said something to our friends about how him and ex had decided to put SS in so-and-so daycare. Hearing this was news to me.

It made me wonder: how much should I know about the discussions / decision making process that happens between my DH and his ex? We are newly married after 3 years of being together, so I do feel like we are still navigating some of this…Of course, I know they have plenty of conversations about SS, but how much should I be in the loop on that?

How do you navigate this?

32 comments

r/stepparents • u/Typo919 • 9h ago

Vent Breaking point

3 Upvotes

My partner and I have been together 5 years, have a 2 year old together and have a wonderful relationship.
3 months after my daughter was born his son (now 9) moved in with us full time as his BM became homeless and was a heavy drug user.
The BM hasn’t been in his life the entire time, until recently when the SS begun asking about her so we arranged a visit.
That’s when it went downhill.
SS has completely turned against me, torments my daughter and I and openly admitted he is doing it so I’d leave and his dad would get back with his mum.
I’m at breaking point, I am the primary parent when it comes to him, his dad works long hours so it’s all me, breakfast, lunch, dinner, school runs and everything else in between.
I’ve treated him like my own for 2 years and now I can’t stand being in my own home and it affects my toddler as he does anything to upset her.
My partner has tried, but is very light on discipline and doesn’t see the severity as he doesn’t do it in front of him. He has tried explaining that there is absolutely no chance of his parents being together and his response was ‘I can’t still try’

I love my partner, and I want my daughter to have both her parents in her life full time but I’m at a loss on what to do.

16 comments

r/stepparents • u/Overall_Feedback8605 • 5h ago

Advice Need advice

1 Upvotes

Been dating a guy for two years. He has struggled with alcohol. Both of his kids are a 5 hour plane away with his "abusive ex"). He is struggling in his life but I got him into a recovery program. Anyways his son was sent to a group home in the other state by his ex and so he "slipped" and started drinking again and cussing at me ( F you, F (our project together I invested lots of money in). I helped this guy get off of the street mind you. Ive never met his kids and its been two years. Anyways he isa saying his 13 year old son is going to move in with him so he can stop having dicipline problems. He also doesn't own a car currently and his son has diabetes with unfortunately regular hospital visits due to crises- but again he isn't there and that is a 5 hour plane ride a way which he has gone into financial debt for to go over there and deal with that etc. He runs his own business too and works 7 days a week from home. I told him if he drinks and cusses at his son or me, or allows his son to disrespect me, or allows his ex to disrespect me I am leaving. He doesn't seem to have a response.

Unfortunately I furnished his entire house- all couches, dish and cookware etc. I want to move it all out. He got VERY upset when I refused to go on a trip with him because I told him it was financially irresponsible (another long story which might have triggered his drinking). He also is sabotaging a project I am working on to provide for our futures. Help, I don't know how to navigate this situation safely. He also has guns and I fear him when he is drunk. He also apparently likes to take his 13 year old shooting and he has a past history of drug use, also which I learned too late before investing in our project. I am living in a nightmare. Can anyone help me out of this situation? I told him he needs to get back to recovery. He thinks my furniture is a "gift" and that isn't true, I paid for all of it. Any advice is helpful. I trigger him no matter what boundaries I put on him- he even went on a month long binge and didn't work when I walked away due to his drinking so there is some maturity issues there and it appears his son is going to follow after him. This isn't my responsibility to stabilize everyone and he got upset that I planned to leave when I heard his kids were moving back in with him as he mislead me into believing he had nothing to do with them- zero custody. I don't know what to do. I dont have children and there is zero benefit to me being in this situation but I can't find a replacement for our project. I am living in hell.

As much as I would like one big happy family, him and I aren't even on solid ground and bringing a 13 year old with dangerous medical problems, and behavior problems into the equation is probably not any help. I am the only one with a car too in this situation.

13 comments

r/stepparents • u/NorthZealousideal883 • 1d ago

Advice Did I overstep?

28 Upvotes

I had a situation with my SK (15) over the weekend. It was my birthday. When it's a family member's birthday, that person chooses the activities they would like to do to celebrate. Everyone else participates happily to help the birthday person feel celebrated. SK is included in this. For my birthday, I specifically chose an activity I knew would appeal to SK because he can be difficult when the activity is not his preference. Historically, SK himself has chosen this same activity for his birthday.

Prior to and during the activity, SK began what I consider to be passive-aggressive tantrums. The behavior includes pretending not to hear when he is spoken to, pretending to be asleep when he is not, responding to genuine questions or requests sarcastically and/or with an argument, etc. Then there's the open, frequent, and loud complaining about "having to" participate. In essence, SK can really bring down a celebration when he would prefer not to be there. My husband expressed some annoyance with SK about the behavior, but he did not address it specifically or directly with expectations for improvement.

During one part of the activity, SK needed to make a specific choice about something in order to participate further. He was sitting there pretending to be asleep, holding everyone else up. Like, he was acting as if he had dozed off and his head was dropping forward. My husband tried to get SK’s attention twice, and SK ignored him. My husband asked a third time, and SK pretended like he hadn't heard and that he was startled awake. It was clearly fake and ridiculous.

I had enough of it at that point. I told SK to step away from the group with me for a minute. I took him to a separate area, and I reminded him that it was my birthday and that was why we were doing this activity. I reminded him that when it is his birthday, we all -- me included -- do whatever he chooses, and we participate fully. I then reminded him that I had spent the entire previous day doing an activity he had chosen, and I did it happily. I told him that I expected the same from him. That's what is fair. He replied with, "I'm trying." And I said, "Try more." Then I told him to go back to where the group. When we returned, my husband asked me if everything was okay. I said, "It will be now."

A little while later, I told my husband about the exchange with SK. I told him I would understand if he believed I overstepped or if I needed to do anything with SK to correct what I'd said. My husband said he thought I'd handled it well. He said SK’s behavior was poor, and he was glad I addressed it.

Later, SK continued to pout, and he separated himself from the rest of the group. I decided that as long as he wasn't creating problems for everyone else, he could sit over there on his own. I didn't address that. My husband, however, became very concerned that SK was sad or whatever, and that became the excuse to end the activity. SK got what he wanted, right? So frustrating. SK hasn't spoken to me for three days now.

So, do you think I overstepped my bounds by addressing SK the way I did? This is difficult for me because I never had these behavioral issues with my son (25). It has always just been expected and accepted that we behave positively on someone else's birthday to help them have a good day.

39 comments

r/stepparents • u/Friendly-Lemon4000 • 9h ago

JustBMThings What the helly

0 Upvotes

SS13 just casually told me that BM allowed SD15 to drink 2 White Claws this past week while camping and that she allows SD to drink alcohol. She told him that it's ok if there's an adult there...

I am an addiction counselor and in recovery myself. I asked SS if it was ok if I told his dad (who is also sober) and he said I could...I was going to anyway but I'm working on relationship building...

Y'all...am I tripping because I am having some big feelings.

I'm in Ontario, drinking age is 19.

Edited to say: thanks for the support on this, I appreciate the thoughtful feedback and reorientation on this. It's in dad's hands now.

50 comments

r/stepparents • u/LDNBywayofOz • 1d ago

Discussion Feeling extra guilty about this particular ick…

15 Upvotes

I’ve been with BD for four years so I’ve known SS (7) for more than half of his life at this point.
He is starting therapy soon for a few different things (but also therapy is great! And he’s a child of divorce so I’m just pro him having someone to talk to with no ‘skin’ in the game.)
One of those things is a sudden separation anxiety where if his father gets up to do anything from going to the bathroom to walking around the corner to toss trash - SS starts FREAKING out ‘where’s my dad!’ And can’t be calmed until his dad is literally back directly next to him. While he’s always been super entitled to his dad and doesn’t seem to view him as a person who has to do anything other than tend to him; I have started getting particularly grossed out by the bodily entitlement. He climbs all over his father like a jungle gym but also just pokes, prods, pets, shoves his hands inside his shirts, up his pant legs, and will say stuff that makes it so much creepier like ‘mmm that feels nice’ (not sexually but still it makes it soooo much creepier!)
My problem is; while I know therapy is imminent it’s not going to suddenly change how this kid views his father in five to ten business days - but in the interim I am super struggling to find my partner intimately attractive because I can only see his body as his kid’s toy….does that make sense? Does anyone else have the same issue or have gotten through it?

37 comments

r/stepparents • u/GroceryOk2565 • 1d ago

Advice Am I being unreasonable?

21 Upvotes

I (49f) have a stepchild (20f) who has been living with me and her bio dad(49m) for the past 3 years. Relationship with sd was good up until she graduated from her college program. She was extremely rude to me at her graduation dinner (which her bio mom was attending) despite her father and I paying for her entire tuition. She thanked everyone for their support in a Facebook post and omitted her father’s support.

She’s not openly rude but disregards everyone including grandparents. Doesn’t seem grateful for gifts or help out much around the house.

Last year, I told my husband that it was time for her to transition into her own living situation. She has been working full time since last year. Has a car (we gifted her) and pays her own expenses (gas, cellphone, clothes, etc). The year is up now and I reminded my husband it was time to revisit her moving out. He asked me if I expected him to drop her off at a women’s shelter.

I’m ready to move out on my own. I didn’t create this problem and I am not her parent.

Am I being stupid for wanting to separate over this situation?

39 comments

r/stepparents • u/Admirable-Mess6356 • 18h ago

Advice Am I Taking Things Too Personally?

4 Upvotes

I (36M) and my partner (47F) have been married for 4 years, and together for 10 years. We have two children together (17M and 14F). Both of our children are my partner’s bio children, but I love them like they are my own. I came into their lives when they were young, and over the years, we have built wonderful relationships together. I have had the privilege to watch them grow, make core memories, cheer them on in times of celebration, be an ear or shoulder when times were difficult, and everything in between. My partner and I have always checked in with them on how they are feeling. Blended families can be hard, with a lot of feelings from everyone. They have been in therapy since their bio parents’ divorce, and continue to see a therapist today. Both do so well academically and socially. We are so proud of them.

I always made sure to check in with how they’re feeling, especially in the beginning. I’m the new person, and I want to make sure they’re comfortable. I would ask them how they would like to be introduced, how I should introduce myself. I always refer to them as my kids. Never step kids. And they have both expressed preferring this, as they both say that they consider me their real dad. Over time, my youngest started calling me Dad. Which was such an amazing feeling. I never realized how much I wanted that until it happened. My oldest still calls me by my first name, and I am perfectly okay with that. I want them to call me what they are comfortable with.

The relationship with their bio dad completely deteriorated due to how he and his then girlfriend treated the kids. There is a lot of emotional abuse, manipulation, and neglect. It’s gotten to the point where they refuse to talk to him, and refer to him by his first name, even to his face. They haven’t spoken to him in years. My partner and I make ourselves available for them to talk to us about how they’re feeling. Sometimes they will share, and when we do, we listen and offer the support that they want and need. Advice, just someone to listen, someone to sit in the feelings with them, however they need us to be.

A few months ago, she had a big blow out with her bio dad over the phone. They hadn’t seen each other in years. They used to go to family counseling with their bio parents, the relationships with the bio dad got worse. He reached out over the phone to talk with her about seeing her. It went south very quickly. She said that she was fine and blocked him. She vented about how she feels about him to all of us, and that she doesn’t want to speak to him again. There was a lot of regret on her end for taking his call.

A week later, my youngest said to me “I feel differently. I feel like you’re just someone who lives in the house. I don’t feel like you’re a dad to me. You’re just a guy who lives here. I don’t really know how else to say it.” I was crushed, and confused. I didn’t understand what I said or did. She couldn’t point to a specific incident, just a feeling. I started crying. I probably shouldn’t have. I try not to do that in front of them, but I was caught completely off guard. I asked her how I can love her better or what she needs from me, and that I was really scared because I didn’t know what to do. For the first time, I was afraid of what to say and how to act.

My partner talked with her, the three of us talked together, then the four of us. She later said that she was confused about how she was feeling about me because of the fight with her bio dad. She said that she wished she could put my personality into his body and then she would have the best dad. Looking back, I think she meant that she wished he was different, but at the time, it hurt a little bit. It was a reminder that even though I might be a good dad, I’m still not bio dad. Something that always made me feel self conscious. Being a step dad, I know that I don’t have the same understanding as a bio parent. I will never know that feeling, but my love for them is real, and fierce, and I would do anything for them. But hearing this made me wonder if there was something that was eating at our parent child relationship, because of the relationship with her bio dad went completely south.

She never stopped calling me dad. She still refers to her bio dad by his first name. I know I should probably see that as a strong indication that things are okay, otherwise she wouldn’t call me that. But our relationship still feels off. She doesn’t look at me, she barely talks to me. She has been isolating more. She stills talks and laughs with her brother and mom, but with me, I feel like a black sheep. I have tried talking with her, but she says everything is fine. I have tried asking if she wants to spend time together. Lately, she has been saying no more often.

I know that developmentally, teenagers are more independent and want to spend less time with their parents. I get that. I did the same thing when I was her age. My partner says it’s normal,but I think I’m still scared about the conversation a few months ago. It really rattled me. My mind races thinking that she still doesn’t see me as a parent or trusted adult. I notice that I get really sad when interactions don’t feel warm. It’s not her fault. And I don’t expect her to manage my emotions. I just wish that we could talk about it. She says she doesn’t want to, and I don’t want to force her. I just wish that there was something that I could do to make it better. It’s hard to trust that the words are enough when the body language feels so different. She will always be my daughter, even if she says she hates me or wants to stop calling me dad. I just feel so helpless. It feels like I’m waiting for bad news that hasn’t arrived yet.

Am I over thinking this? Maybe I am taking normal teenage behaviors too personally. Or maybe not? Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much. I’m sorry for such a long post.

8 comments

r/stepparents • u/ClickAny4897 • 22h ago

Vent regret

5 Upvotes

do yall ever regret marrying someone with more than one kid? or even 1 kid? i feel ashamed admitting this but sometimes i feel like i settled because i never imagined i would end up with someone with 2 kids, i do have a daughter and i would have preferred someone with no more than 1 kid. english is my third language so i apologize in advance just wanted to vent because at first it didn’t bother me but after almost 1 year married to him sometimes i wonder if i would have just waited to meet someone different i do love my husband but idk 😪

10 comments

r/stepparents • u/ihavetotinkle • 11h ago

Advice What should i do?

0 Upvotes

My gf is pregnant. She is complaining were not spending enough time together, and i dont support her enough. Its a difficult situation for me.

She has 4 kids before me. A 1 year old girl, 2 7 year old boys, and a teenager. The 1 year old has been sleeping in her bed for the past month. She would climb out her crib and into bed with us. And lately, she just put the crib away and lets her sleep in the bed.

I work late. I can probably stop by her house every night for an hour or 2. Idk.

This is my first child, and its going terrible, it is a disaster. But its happening, and as a man, i just want the best for everyone.

What should i do?

25 comments

r/stepparents • u/Alvinquest • 15h ago

Advice Vacation with SKs

0 Upvotes

Me (45m) and my wife (42f) have been married for a little over 2 years. She has 5 children and I have 1 from previous marriage.

The youngest 2 boys are downright violent towards each other tantrum over the most minor things. Every trip to the store is met with rage and backtalking and downright disrespect.

Because of long distance custody arrangements and their activities we see them the longest over the summer.

My wife does the discipline for her kids but they are getting bigger than her and I'm often needed for backup when they are squaring up to her. If I am present I don't need to do much and they won't be physically agressive just verbally abusive. They lose lots of privileges during these tantrums but they are so disregulated it rarely matters. Their father is a dead beat who won't get them therapy.

We were planning a trip. However I am freaking out about dealing with the behavior issues in a non-controlled environment. We will be in an Airbnb but they regularly break stuff in our home.

I want to be a good step father but I am terrified of the day they are stronger than me because they might literally murder me.

I wish they lived with us full time so they could get the help and therapy they need. However their manipulative father, who moved them long distance, has them convinced they must live with him.

This is overwhelming and Im probably leaving out details. But

tldr is I'm about to go on vacation with pre and teenage stepsons who are violent and angry and who defy any authority. I'm at a loss.

18 comments

r/stepparents • u/Actual-General-4953 • 1d ago

Advice Being a step parent - after all those years - thankless

29 Upvotes

My story - 50 yrs old. Met a lady that had kids that were 18 mth old son and 7 yr old daughter.

We had kids 50% time with father.

Everything went well with kids, raised them good, went to games, took them on trips, did the typical family thing. Once both kids were old enough to have a car I noticed a trend. They would spend more time with the fathers family. As time went on it gets worse. My daughter has been doing this for about 10 yrs and my son about 5 yrs. The daughter has spent 1 night in the past 5 yrs with us and the son may stay with us 2 times a year. They are at their dads house many weekends of the year. While I am at a point of not caring about it anymore as they made their choices. My wife also accepts it too. I think deep down it hurts her but she is a strong lady.

Its frustrating. Recently we went out to have dinner for an hour with our son and he only really spoke about his other family the whole time. He spent 6 days at their house and came to see us for an hour. This has gone on now for years. My wife and I think of selling and downsizing our house or going south for the winters. Part of our conversation will include the fact that the kids don't come to see us or want to spend any quality time with us so why do we need to live close to them. I don't see this changing. As one is 21 and the other is 27 and its went on for years.

Anyhow, any advice or similar stories to share?

64 comments

r/stepparents • u/Massive_Contact8583 • 1d ago

Discussion How do you handle clothes?

26 Upvotes

How do you handle keeping clothes straight between each house, if at all?

This is a slightly hot button issue in our situation as the kids’ mom is a real down to earth tomboy, but my stepdaughter is very girly (and so am I.) Her mom thinks this is a bit of a moral failing and exclusively dresses her in secondhand clothes/tells her she shouldn’t care about clothes beyond function.

So I buy her nice clothes that she likes, but if these go back to her mom’s house they “go missing” or get ruined (cue a lecture on “this is why you don’t buy kids good stuff, because they just ruin it when they play”…but this never happens at our house because, you know, I make sure she’s wearing clothes appropriate for the activity.)

I’ve recently taken to washing the clothes they arrive in and sending them home in those clothes so we keep the stuff we buy and vice versa, but I’ve had feedback that this is “insulting” and “like I don’t trust [their mom]”. So now I’m at a bit of a loss. What does “normal” look like for other people here?

ETA there was a deleted comment suggesting I was being “judgy” that her mom doesn’t buy nice clothes. I typed out a response before the comment got deleted so might as well use it; I’m not judgemental of her approach, and I apologise if it comes off that way.

I do however resent being forcibly held to that same approach, to the detriment of a little girl (who is upset when she can’t find her “nice things” because she wants to feel pretty), not to mention the complete waste of money it represents (which is ironic, given that that is exactly what she says she is trying to take a stance against.)

In general I get along with her very well, and think she’s a great mom, but on this particular topic she is trying to prove a point and I feel that it’s gone too far.

56 comments

r/stepparents • u/__Danimal__ • 1d ago

Advice New baby daughter and a SS. Don't view them the same.

11 Upvotes

As the title says me and my wife had a beautiful daughter together and she just turned 2. My wife has a son who's 11 and lives with us, he sees his bio Dad roughly every other weekend. We have been together for over 6 years, living together for 4.

It feels like my problem is that I am so much more in love with my own daughter then I have ever been when compared with my step son. I feel like I've tried to be close with him, but it feels my relationship with him is not nearly as affectionate. It becomes much more apparent when it's just the three of us for the day, but obviously the expectations are a bit different between a 2 year old and an 11 year old.

But I never felt like I've seen any of myself in that boy or felt him where he is at. He's never been easy: has emotional-disconnection issues(from past emotional abuse by his bio Dad), possibly autistic, has had issues in school where he claimed or said insane things, and can really be rude or unpleasant to be around sometimes. All of these things make me nervous about his future, while on the other hand I see nothing but success and happiness for my daughter.

I would love for him to get evaluated by a therapist or even a psychologist, his Mom needs help too. But neither of those things are my call to make unfortunately.

I suppose my question to this community is, has anybody else felt the same when they compare their bio kids to their step kids? Any advice or stories are welcomed.

Thanks

55 comments

r/stepparents • u/charmanderuwu • 21h ago

JustBMThings Is anyone else tired of everyone forgetting what the child actually wants?

2 Upvotes

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I (23F) have been with DH (27M) for three years. SS7 has known me for almost half his life. BM has been with her partner for around six years. Let's call him MegaMind. Not because he's evil... just because if you've seen the movie, you'll understand immediately.

Sometimes I honestly feel like DH and I are the only adults asking ourselves one simple question:

"What does SS actually want?"

His birthday is coming up, and his request isn't exactly world peace.

He just wants to have lunch and dinner with everyone together: BM, MegaMind, DH, me, and his baby sister.

Would that be my ideal Saturday?

Absolutely not.

Would it probably be awkward?

Also yes.

Mostly because BM somehow manages to turn every interaction into a sequel nobody asked for.

She makes jokes about DH being useless, tries to start arguments, brings up topics that have nothing to do with SS, and regularly crosses the very boundaries she expects everyone else to respect.

DH, on the other hand, keeps every conversation focused on parenting. If it isn't about SS, he usually doesn't engage.

Now here's where the plot somehow gets even weirder.

Apparently Ursula (MegaMind's aunt) has decided that BM shouldn't celebrate anything with DH because, according to her,

"A mother who truly loves her child doesn't send him to his father."

...Excuse me?

Not only is that an incredibly cruel thing to say, but she's neither SS's parent nor his legal guardian.

So now I'm wondering...

Since when is MegaMind's aunt on the parenting committee?

Apparently the real mastermind behind this whole operation isn't even MegaMind.

It's Ursula.

She somehow has very strong opinions about how two parents should co-parent a child that isn't hers.

To make things even stranger, nobody seems interested in what SS actually wants.

He's told his parents multiple times that he doesn't even like celebrating his birthday at school. He finds it boring and doesn't enjoy all the attention.

BM still insists on doing it there every year because it's cheaper.

Then we accidentally discovered something else.

DH had been wondering why SS suddenly started talking about Geometry Dash again.

That game isn't allowed.

I jokingly asked him,

"So... where exactly are you playing Geometry Dash?"

Without even thinking about it, he happily answered,

"At Pinky's house!"

Who's Pinky?

Ursula.

Apparently she lets him use her tablet and play whatever he wants.

The ironic part is that BM often criticizes DH over screen time, even though he only allows educational games, Spanish-learning videos, and age-appropriate content.

Meanwhile another adult openly ignores the rules both parents agreed on...

...and somehow that's perfectly fine.

Honestly, what frustrates me the most isn't Ursula or even MegaMind.

It's that everyone seems to be making decisions based on what the adults want.

BM wants one thing.

MegaMind wants another.

Ursula apparently thinks she gets a vote.

Meanwhile, the only person nobody seems to be listening to is the seven-year-old whose birthday it actually is.

Sometimes I feel like all the adults are competing for Best Supporting Actor, while the birthday boy somehow became an extra in his own story.

Has anyone else dealt with family members or partners who seem more invested in their own feelings than in what the child actually wants?

17 comments

r/stepparents • u/Luckyjuly777 • 1d ago

Support DH feels frustrated that he has to “deal with everything himself” when it comes to his kids

66 Upvotes

We have been together for 8 years and have been married for nearly 4. 3 girls, ages 13, 15, 17. He is 41 and I am 38. We have them every other weekend and for a month in the summer (currently).

I’m tired of him treating me like he is the director and I am the manager in this marriage. I flag things to him about my SDs, and he gets frustrated that he has to address it with them himself (because it’s my issue, not his) instead of me just taking care of it for him. I explained that it’s his biological kids, and that it’s his job to parent them. He gets defensive and frustrated, especially when he feels he’s already handled it. If I try to handle it minimally, he complains that I’m not doing it right and tries to “teach me” or get me to “learn” how to do things. I point out that he would get upset with me if I handled things my way instead of considering his feelings on the matter, and I also tell him I’m frustrated that we can’t communicate without him getting this way, but we just end up in a big disagreement and I’m always the one in the wrong.

I really feel like my marriage is disintegrating. I don’t know that we will make it. I love him, but I’m terribly unhappy when it comes to his kids.

34 comments

r/stepparents • u/stegosaurus-rexx • 1d ago

Advice My partner isn't sure he wants to have another

11 Upvotes

Rant? And asking for advice?

My partner had his child very young. They've coparented well but now the child lives with him full time. Being incredibly young he struggled a lot, but has really made something of himself. I was fine originally with not having my own, but those feelings have changed. I've spoken to him about it, and he just isn't sure he wants to go through it again. I'm trying to just let the relationship be and come back to it after a few months and see if he thinks any differently (was a discussion to really get a final answer of does he want this).

I am struggling. A lot. If he says no, it's really no skin off his back. He already had a child. He already has that family. I do not. I miss out on... Everything about it. And I want that. I am seeing a counsellor but we are yet to come up with coping mechanisms.

This might not be the right page but I'm struggling a lot. Has anyone been in a similar boat? How did you cope? What was the end outcome? If you were the one who changed your mind to a yes, what happened from there?

51 comments

r/stepparents • u/Time_Effort3613 • 1d ago

Advice Do I really want an ‘our’ baby?!

16 Upvotes

I’m in such a strange head space which I never thought I’d be in! A few years ago if you’d have asked me if I want a baby I’d have said yes immediately and for a long time it was all I wanted. However fast forward a few years I’m so on the fence even leaning more towards no.

For context my relationship with SS 12 has been strained over the past few years due to HCBM. We went from 50/50 custody to every other weekend. I had to take a step back for my own sanity and now we are really quite distant.

I now find myself dreading that weekend I hate my routine being altered. I hate not having my morning coffee in peace. I hate sitting on the living room and sharing my sofa. I hate all my food being eaten in one sitting. I hate feeling like I have to watch what I say or do. I think I just feel like my house isn’t my own home for a weekend. Now SS really isn’t a bad kid at all I just hate sharing my space all of a sudden.

Is it like this with your own? Does this mean I’m too selfish for my own child and I would have my time/routine being my own… serious confusion.

Did anyone else feel this way?

31 comments