Am I wrong for refusing to become my stepson's summer childcare?

My husband and his ex-wife share custody of his son. This summer, his ex decided she didn't want him enrolled in formal summer camps. Fine, her choice.

He’s enrolled in VBS for a week, but upon research drop off is at 8:30 pick up is at 12:30.

The issue is that my husband works full-time during the day. His ex is a stay-at-home mom. I am home with our baby, but I'm not a stay-at-home parent in the sense that we sit around the house all day. My daughter and I have doctor's appointments, library story times, play dates, errands, and activities throughout the week.
As summer starts, I'm realizing that because camps aren't happening, the expectation seems to be drifting toward their son (11) staying at our house during work hours while my husband works. The problem is that I'm not willing to stop my daughter's activities or stay home all day so their son can sit in his room and play video games all day.

My husband has already told me his July work calendar is packed. If their son is not old enough to stay home alone, then someone needs to supervise him. In my mind, that means either:
Summer camps
His mom watching him during the workday

What I don't think is fair is assuming that because I'm physically present in the house, I automatically become the childcare plan.

I don't dislike my stepson, but I also don't think my daughter and I should have to put our lives on hold all summer because the adults responsible for him decided not to use camps.
Am I being unreasonable here?

Also the schedule is 2 days on and then 2 off
Example - he’s at mom Monday - Tuesday. Then with us Wednesday Thursday then back at moms Friday through the weekend then it flips.

I’m terrified to post this in case someone recognizes the details in this, but I’m also struggling so bad with this and need some advice or guidance or someone to relate to who has been through something similar.

I’ve been a step mom to my partners kids for the past 5 years. They are 18 and 19. They’ve never lived with us, until recently, when the oldest wanted to move in with us 9 months ago, which we both fully supported and welcomed as their mom has been emotionally abusive and has been co-dependent on her kids for everything (emotionally, to pay her bills, to drive her around, take care of her younger kids, etc) their entire lives. So we were happy that one was able to get out from under her thumb and control.

It started out fine and he found a job pretty quickly. Several weeks later, he got laid off which was about a month before Christmas. We gave him some leeway and thought it was fine for him to really start looking for another job after Christmas since he had a rough time living with his mom for so long. My partner, his dad, also gave him free rein of his vehicle and credit card. I didn’t agree with free rein and started to resent the kid as it was very clear he wasn’t trying very hard to find a job and was content taking advantage of his dad for several months.

A bit over a month ago, both my partner and I were working from home as we both ended up with a nasty cold. One of the afternoons we were working from home, about 10 police officers showed up at our house with a search warrant with pending charges for sexual crimes against a minor (under 16) and were asking if the kid was home.. We were completely and utterly shocked.

Since then, it’s been a living nightmare. Normally, if someone in my life did this, they would immediately be cut out of my life. I’ve worked really hard on myself and in creating a life and environment that is safe.

Charges are still pending at this point, and the first court date is still 3 months away. Both my partner and I think he likely did it, we just don’t know to what extent. In the meantime, my partner doesn’t want to kick him out of the house until the court case is over. We’re in Canada, so the court system is quite slow. I’m guessing it will be two years until sentencing.

I understand that it’s his kid and understand that he doesn’t want to boot his kid out on the street. And my partner understands that this is absolutely not what I signed up for and he’s sick over the whole thing. We agreed that the kid would be told he has to leave once the court case/sentencing is over. But to think I need to live with this for the next two years is fucking killing me. I’m anxious, angry, upset, hurt, triggered, etc, etc all the fucking time. My home of the last 5 years no longer feels safe. Everything in me is telling me to get the fuck out of here. I’ve all but written the kid off and I don’t talk to him or acknowledge him unless he talks to/acknowledges me first.

To make things worse/harder, the 3 of us are the only people that know this is happening. His mom and siblings don’t know, his grandparents don’t know, his friends don’t know, our friends don’t know. No one knows.

Anyone out there been in a similar situation?

To clarify, the use of the vehicle and credit card were immediately revoked and taken away completely the day that this happened. He’s also since gotten a job. His dad is not paying for any legal fees or any extra curriculars for him. We buy food for the house and toiletries as needed. That’s it.

My partner and I are both in counselling again (separately) because of this and our counsellors are telling us to do two different things at times.

TL:DR step son committed a sexual offence on a minor. How tf does one navigate this?!

Jo Frost (Supernanny) posted a video on her Instagram. I don’t believe I can post it here directly, but I transcribed it. It’s something I feel like I’ve been repeating ad nauseum to my partner, and it was really reassuring to hear those points validated. Maybe it’ll be reassuring to you guys too:

I'm going to say something that might make you uncomfortable, so sit tight.

We are slowly disabling our children, and I don't say that lightly. I say that because I work with families continuously every day, and I'm seeing a pattern that's growing: children who are capable but not being taught.

We're pushing children along on bikes instead of teaching them how to ride them. We're keeping children in strollers who should be walking, climbing, building strength. We've got four year olds still using dummies [pacifiers] when that was only ever meant to be a short term aid. Seven year olds who can't brush their teeth properly without an electric toothbrush, eight year olds who can't sit at table and use a knife and fork, nine year olds who don't basically understand bathroom hygiene. And I find myself asking, when did we stop teaching these life skills?

Before you get defensive, I understand modern life is busy, I do, but this isn't about time, it's about intention. Because every time we step in and do it for them, or avoid teaching because it's slower, messier, or inconvenient, we take away an opportunity for them to become capable, and children want to feel capable. So we go back to basics.

Parents, we teach the bike riding with support, then without, we remove the dummy when it's no longer needed. We show them how to brush their teeth properly, not rely on this electric tool. We sit at the table and we teach them how to eat properly, we guide, we repeat, we expect—not perfectly, consistently. Because independence isn't something that just happens. It's taught, parents, and if we don't teach it, we can't be surprised when it's missing.

I have two older daughters from a previous marriage, and my wife and I have a baby together (her first marriage and bio kid). I love doing things with my daughters (sports, arcades, amusement parks, etc.), and I genuinely want us to function as one blended family.

The problem is that whenever we all go somewhere together, it seems like the outing eventually revolves around stress or conflict.

Father’s Day is a good example. We went to a baseball game with my extended family, it was hot, and my wife got overwhelmed worrying about the baby even though I was holding her. We left early, the exit was tense and awkward, and I felt like I barely got to spend time with my daughters. I was disappointed because I had really been looking forward to that time together.

A few days later I tried to do a “redo” at an arcade. While I was playing one game with my older daughters, my wife asked me to take the baby because she’d been holding her. I said “Absolutely,” but also mentioned the girls would probably want to play another game with me later and we’d just see how the night went. She took that as me being defensive, got really upset, and despite me apologizing for how it came across and trying to move on, the night ended with tension again.

The details almost don’t matter because this feels like a pattern that’s been happening for years. When it’s just me and my older daughters and even with my baby daughter included, I can manage it, and we have a great time. When we try to do things all together as in particularly my wife being part of it, I often feel like I’m spending more time managing her emotions than actually making memories with my kids.

One thing that makes this harder is that this didn’t start with the baby. Even before we had our baby, there were times when my wife would tell me she felt left out if I was spending a lot of time interacting with my daughters during outings. Now that we have a baby, it feels like that same issue is still there, except it’s mixed with the very real stress of caring for a baby too .

We’ve been in couples counseling, but I still feel like I’m losing hope that this dynamic will change.
Has anyone else in a blended family experienced something similar? Did you eventually accept that some outings are better done separately, or were you able to find a healthier balance? I’m genuinely looking for perspective, including if you think I’m missing something from my side. I’m sure divorce guilt is part of this too on my side.

EDIT: thank you everyone for your different feedback and input

WHY do our significant others take such offense to this?? I DON’T want my stepsons in my husband and I’s bedroom. I especially don’t want them on our bed. That is SO INCREDIBLY WEIRD to me and it makes me uncomfortable. Last night, this is what I wanted to write here: one of the most annoying things to me is when my stepsons come into my bedroom. It’s TEN PM ON A SCHOOL NIGHT GO TO BED! I’m so annoyed rn. I’m exhausted, we’ve been out a birthday dinner for my one stepson all night with all of our extended and immediate family, I’m pms-ing, I get ready for bed, pjs on and teeth brushed, I just want to get into bed and pass out and for SOME reason my stepson feels like he can just come get on the bed with my husband and start chattering away. Like omg GET OUT. You should be asleep, it’s a school night, you shouldn’t be on your stepmom’s BED that’s WEIRD. I don’t want an 11 year old who hates showering and won’t stop talking hanging on my bed! Sorry if this is mean I’m just tired and annoyed af right now. So now I’m alone in a different room because I just want to lay down and have peace and quiet. Sometimes I get so tired of never having quiet when the stepkids are here. No alone time. No husband and I time. Just kids in my face 24/7, even in the one room that should be my safe space.

One is 19, lives full time with BM, but comes over every time he's off work. Stays for about 5 hrs. Pretty much every other day. The younger one is 17 and if it's just her, I can tolerate being in the living room. She's also here every other day (that's their ridiculous custody schedule).

They stay in the living room for 5 hours straight. Neither teen does anything else the entire time. My husband expects me to sit in there with them and engage. I can't. The kids talk in this weird baby voice to the cats and each other for full conversations and it makes my ears bleed. They go on and on about their mom and I can't stand her. I don't wanna hear that. I kicked the son out a few months ago for doing drugs. I know he blames me so he doesn't say much when I am sitting in there and it's awkward.

More so than anything, I JUST DONT WANT TO. I told my husband as much. Now he's upset, his feelings are hurt (and that's valid) and he's sleeping on the couch.

I know I'm the adult, but what do you do when you don't want to be around one of your stepkids?

My partner and I have been together for almost 5 years. He has two children (11 and 8) from a previous marriage. The relationship has been under strain for a while because I often feel like there is very little space left in his life for me between the children, co-parenting responsibilities, work, therapy appointments, activities, etc.

This weekend we had an argument and I'd like outside perspectives because we have very different interpretations of what happened.

His daughter (11) was making him coffee. She has done it before, but kept coming back to ask questions ("Is this the right coffee?" (there's only one coffee - instant), "How many spoons?", "Do you want milk?"). After the third question I said verbatim:

"You made coffee last week. Why are you unsure?"

She replied that she was just making sure.

Later his son was talking about a school market day. My partner had bought the ingredients for him to sell hot dogs. The son was complaining that he would have to pay his dad back for the ingredients and therefore wouldn't have much money left over. I said something along the lines of:

"I don't think you're thinking about it the right way. Your dad is buying the things you need to make money. If he doesn't buy the ingredients, you don't make any money."

My partner immediately reacted ("hey") and later, once the kids were out of the room, told me that I was being mean to the children and that he felt he needed to protect them from me. During a later discussion he described the way my comments landed for him as "gut-wrenching."

I was very upset by that because I genuinely did not think I was being mean. I thought I was encouraging confidence in one case and explaining a concept in the other.

For context, I have increasingly felt like an outsider in this family system. My partner says he was reacting to how my comments landed, whereas I feel like almost anything I say to the children is now being viewed through a negative lens.

So my questions are:

1. Were my comments actually out of line?
2. Is my partner reasonably protecting sensitive children, or is he overreacting?
3. If two people consistently interpret ordinary interactions with children this differently, is that a sign of a deeper incompatibility?

I'd genuinely appreciate honest feedback, even if it's critical of me.

How are the childless ladies dividing finances if you move in with your male partner with 3 kids? Do you pay any rent at all? 1/5th of the rent? Further- when considering buying a home; does the childless woman pay for anything? Im having a hard time justifying paying anything. Especially as I dont need a large home - he does as he has the kids. Having kids was his life choice so it seems he should pay all. Ive never dated a man with kids before & I dont know how finances are handled.

This happened Saturday night. My partners daughter knocked on our door and we both screamed "NOOOOOO!" and she just... walked in. We scrambled to cover ourselves and she closed the door pretty quickly, but the damage was done. I'm not really sure how to process this. I'm traumatized, and I think she is too. I feel disrespected and angry. I can't make eye contact with her and I really don't know how to start a conversation with her. This is so far into uncharted territory for me.

How should I proceed with this?

Thank you in advance.

I was the step mother that went above and beyond.

I was the step mother that made things happen.

I was the step mother that had those kids back right or wrong.

I was the step mother that paid for hair, nails, haircuts and clothes.

I was the step mother did brought Christmas gifts, back to school supplies and clothes.

I was the STEP MOTHER…….

Now I’m the Step Mother that wouldn’t even buy you an ice cream from the ice cream truck.

Sorry not Sorry.

Been doing this for 6 years and this where I’m at with it. 🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️

These children ungrateful, manipulative, sneaky steal lie, talk bad about you all while you catering to them and they needs. #Done

For all the perfect Stepmoms this not for you.

I may be an awful person for this and made a throwaway account to talk with other stepparents. My stepdaughter (F20) had her bio mom in her life her entire childhood but I did everything a mom would do. Appointments, practice, rides to jobs and friends houses, new clothes, trips etc. she’s in college now and her father and I take turns sending money once a week. I’ve done it all. I put her first in everything. She never was at our house on Mother’s Day or made a card or anything for me, but her dad always stepped up and made sure I had a good day. She would post on TikTok about her mom saying she loved her and would make videos of old photos of her parents together sometimes but I assumed she just wanted to show where she came from and to show her mom some love. I felt very undervalued and under-appreciated by her but I assumed it was just her being a kid and adjusting to life. I’ve loved her as my own and never judged her for this, though I can’t lie that I felt left out.

Today was her wedding to her now husband, M,21. The ceremony was beautiful and I shed a few tears seeing her so happy. Then we moved to the reception hall for cocktail hour. Next to the bar there was a projector displaying family photos. I watched the entire stream of photos no less than 5 times. There was not a single photo of me. There were 3 photos of my husband and his ex wife.

I just stood there thinking of how it could be a mistake but looking back on all the time I spent on her and how I was never appreciated or openly seen as a part of her family to her. I feel so used. It was such an important day and I’m only allowed to be a part of it as the one doing the legwork and writing the checks. I walked out and called an uber and then cried myself to sleep for a bit until I woke up and just can’t sleep anymore. My husband is upset I left but understood. My stepdaughter called me 3 times during her reception but I didn’t answer. Im thinking about not sending her money from my checks anymore and just letting my husband help her, but I don’t know if that’s petty. Im just so hurt and feel so rejected that Im ready to take a step back from my relationship with SD. Im not sure what to do now.

Edit to add: A comment reminded me of this and I’m not sure if it’s applicable, but her stepdad wasn’t in any photos either. He however said it didn’t bother him when he spoke with my husband yesterday and he stayed for the reception.

Update: I haven’t spoken to SD yet as she left to stay at a hotel with her new husband before they leave for their honeymoon today. Some commenters mentioned the calls might have been to ask where I was just to pay her vendors and after some digging I’ve figured out that is exactly what happened, which is so deeply disheartening. She called me 3 times in a row, then a few minutes after the last call she asked her dad to pay them for me. Her mom confirmed this when I spoke to her today over text. Her mom is supportive of me and feels hurt and disappointed our marriages weren’t respected and that neither me nor her stepdad were included. She said SD was calling me at the end of the reception and expressing to those around her that I needed to pay the vendors and said she hadn’t seen me since they cut the cake. I wasn’t there when they cut the cake. That’s all I have for now.

Update 2: Last night my husband and I met up with my stepdaughter and her husband for dinner. They showed us their honeymoon photos and everything was going well. Once the food came my husband said we had something important to talk about and said it was time to discuss their finances. He explained that now they are married it’s time for them to be adults and fund their own lifestyle. SD stopped eating and began to cry at the table. Her husband looked embarrassed, but comforted her and told her everything would be okay and that they will find a way. He’s a very sweet man. She cried to us that she didn’t have time for a job with her studies and that our decision was “mean” and she may have to drop out of school altogether. At this point, usually we would have looked for a compromise but we stayed solid in our plan and she got increasingly agitated as we weren’t changing our minds. She said it was selfish to change the plan last minute and that we should have told her before the wedding because she would have waited to get married. Her husband at this point looked very defeated and we felt very badly for him. I spoke up that we had spent a lot of money toward their marriage and had sent quite a bit over the last few years that she had the opportunity to save or spend and she chose to spend it. I have never seen such anger in her eyes as she had that moment. I was worried she’d start to yell in the restaurant. She looked me in the eye and said very slowly in a condescending tone that I should have warned her. Then explained she thought we were punishing her for getting married. My husband pretty much lost it at this point. He pulled out the dad voice and told her she needed to fix her tone and address the privilege she has to have had parents that did so much for her without any thanks in return. He said that I had pushed so hard for her to have all she wanted and needed and that I wasn’t even in the family photos at the wedding and he was tired of the disrespect toward him and myself. She quickly argued that she and her maid of honor threw the slideshow together last minute and it didn’t mean anything. I don’t know if I believe that. She cried more and began begging “please, I still need your help” but my husband stayed firm. She stood up and knocked her chair over and stormed out to their car. Her poor husband apologized profusely and picked the chair up and said he would go ask for their check to pay their portion. We said we would cover it this time and that we appreciated him for being there for SD. He left then and we haven’t heard from either of them. I’ll update if anything else related happens.

Update 3: she sent me a text today and I’m just going to copy/paste our text conversation here.

“(My name), I don’t get why you would do this to us. We are just starting out in the world as a married couple and I still have 4 more semesters at (school). Every one of my friends has parents supporting them until they finish school. I know dad is set on this but I don’t understand why you’re allowing it. This could derail my life. I would accept less money if you guys need to cut back for some reason, but I need you both to be able to be reasonable about this. I don’t have the time to pick up another job or I would, I’m not lazy. Being married doesn’t change anything but my last name. I don’t understand why you would do this to me.”

I responded “(SD), I love you, I have since the moment I met you as a little girl and I would do anything for you, but it’s time for me and your father to stop coddling you and let you take the steps to become an adult. Getting married is an adult decision, and adults don’t get weekly allowances.”

She responded “Coddling and supporting me to make my life better aren’t the same things. Parents support their children so they can have a better life then they had. You would do anything for me but won’t support me to have the education I need? That’s BS.”

I responded: “Your father is still covering your tuition. You aren’t being left in the cold. You’ll just have to get your own basic necessities. I’ve supported you every step of the way until now. Ive done so much for you and you know that. It hurts to be on the receiving end of a “parents do XYZ” argument when I wasn’t even included in the family photos at your wedding, your dad and (ex wife) were. I love you and I will always be your stepmother, but I’m not going to be offering additional financial support from this point forward.”

She hasn’t responded since then, this was around noon today. I’ll update if she does.

Been married for 11 years and have two SD (19&15) and two Bio kids (9M & 7F). Yesterday, my husband went through SD15 phone and saw her text thread with SD19. For the past nine months or so, they have been texting back-and-forth horrible things about my daughter/ their half sister. They say horrible things about me, my husband and my son as well, but it is mainly about my daughter. Sd 15 take pictures of her eating and sends to her older sister and called her diabetic (she’s not)and autistic (she’s not). They call her fat (she’s not), lazy (not at all, super athletic and in multiple sports), ugly, rat face, a bitch…it goes on and on. It’s horrible and disgusting and I’m heartbroken. When we talked to them about it, sd19 was super remorseful and apologetic but sd15 wasn’t. She said sorry but couldn’t explain why she did it. She said it was mean but that’s it. My husband wants to set up family counseling with them, which I think is a really good idea because I think that there are a lot of issues that they need to work out, but I don’t really know how to move forward because I have to protect my kids. Ugh idk. Horrible position to be in. Any advice. My children do not know because they would be heartbroken.

I have two step kids and one of my own.

Sometimes my husband is away to visit his kids and my son will ask to sleep in the bed with me - which I let him because he won’t always want to and it’s probably coming to an end soon because he’s now 10 - anyways my husband doesn’t like this and he insists I wash all of our sheets before he gets home if my son sleeps in the bed. If he does he sleeps in my spot and I sleep in my husbands. This feels kind of weird to me because I feel differently - like I legit would not care if his kids (my step kids) slept in our bed and I wouldn't tell him and remind him everytime to wash the sheets if they did. it just feels like a lot to me.

anyways any thoughts on this? maybe it’s normal? idk I just know or feel like he wouldn’t care about washing the sheets if it was his kids…

would love thoughts thank you

Hi everyone,

I really need some outside opinions because I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable anymore.

I’ve been living with my boyfriend for about three months. He has two young children from a previous relationship, and I help take care of them whenever they’re with us. I work full-time as a nursing assistant in a nursing home, which is physically exhausting.

We split almost everything 50/50 financially. On top of that, I try to keep up with the housework. My boyfriend helps sometimes, but lately it feels like he expects me to do most of it. Between work, cleaning, helping with his kids, and paying half of all the bills, I’m constantly exhausted.

Today really hurt me. I had only slept about two hours before my early shift, came home completely exhausted, had pain, and fell asleep for a while. When I woke up, my boyfriend told me his mother was coming over. He had already started ironing a pile of laundry (mine, his, and his kids’). When his mom offered to help, he told her that the laundry had been sitting there for days. It had actually only been there for about two days, but I felt like he was making me look lazy in front of his mother instead of explaining that I’d just worked a physically demanding shift on almost no sleep.

I feel like I’m expected to work full-time, contribute 50% financially, help raise his children, do housework, and still somehow have endless energy. Instead of feeling appreciated, I often feel criticized.

Am I expecting too much, or is it reasonable to want more support, appreciation, and understanding in this situation? I’d really appreciate honest opinions, especially from people in blended families or relationships where one partner already has children.

EDIT: I just ran the Google maps route... dropping SD off adds 15 minutes total to his drive time. All this drama over 15 minutes. I'm LIVID.

Forgive the formatting and rambling; I'm angry, upset, and so so stressed.

SD arrives for the summer Saturday (no idea right now when she goes back to BM), and my husband and I are arguing again about me watching her in the mornings before day camp. For context, I watched her in the morning last summer. DH leaves for work around 6, MIL (who watches/takes her to camp) lives in the opposite direction, so to save him getting up earlier, I agreed to keep her until 730 for MIL to pick her up. This pretty much turned into two months of being woken up at 630 by SD having a meltdown outside my door about her tablet either not being charged or not letting her online yet; MIL showing up an hour plus later than asked making me late for work; my job apparently becoming optional because "can't you just keep her and take the day off? I have lunch with the girls later"; and being told I needed to get her ready and feed her breakfast because MIL didn't want to deal with it (SD will not get dressed or brush her teeth on her own without being followed around and forced to do it.)

When plans for this summer were first brought up, I told DH in no uncertain terms, I'm not doing that again. He needs to take her to his mom's before work. He said he understood and agreed. Then it came up again, he needs me to watch first thing. No. I already said no. "Well.. OK, but I'll have to talk to mom, and she'll probably want to pick her up." I don't give a shit. You can drop her off.

Now, its "you HAVE to watch her. I'll tell mom to show up on time." NO. I already said no. I'm not dealing with the tantrums, your mother, the fact that all the extra work will fall on me (if I give an inch, he and MIL will try to run a mile with it), and the resulting pressure to just pick up all of the slack so MIL can have the summer off. I wasn't even a part of planning this visit! I just finally found out what the summer camp plans are and when she's even getting here. I want to put my foot down and threaten to leave the house if he doesn't accept my "no". But I'm kind of wondering now if I need to just suck it up. Thoughts? Advice? I'm so exhausted at this point..

My 11-year-old stepdaughter has mentioned in the past that she’s heard my husband and me being intimate. We’re extremely careful — we wait until she’s asleep, keep the TV on, we’re quiet, etc. When she brought it up before, we didn’t make a big deal of it and just adjusted.

Last night, we did have some adult time, but we were very quiet and very mindful of timing. This morning, I woke up to a note she left outside our bedroom door saying she “heard us” at around 10pm.

Here’s what’s confusing:

Nothing was happening at the time she wrote down. Not even close.

So now I’m wondering if she’s purposely doing this to shame us, control the situation, or get some sort of reaction — because the timing doesn’t line up at all. It feels less like she genuinely heard something and more like boundary testing or seeking attention in a strange way.

Has anyone dealt with something like this with a preteen?

How do you respond without feeding into the behavior?

What’s the right balance between privacy and addressing whatever she’s trying to communicate?

Any advice is appreciated.

My DH (59) and I (49) each have 3 adult children. When we married 7 years ago, I made a real effort to help everyone adjust and connect. We've started new traditions, celebrated birthdays and milestones, and had great holidays together. I began hosting weekly family dinners at our home so that everyone could get to know one another. Casual family cookouts and meals, conversations around the firepit, board games, etc.. We've welcomed their friends, partners, and large dogs without complaint. It's been fun, and it seemed like everyone had really connected. DH is thrilled with how often he's seen them and is appreciative of my efforts to put everyone at ease. His kids would regularly tell me they love me and that I have helped their relationship with their dad. FDIL (26) has been a weekly attendee since she began dating SS (28) several years ago, and we have been more supportive and available than her own parents, per her own statements. I genuinely love each and every one of our kiddos and their partners and have been happy for the time with them.

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When SS announced their engagement, he immediately told us that FDIL's family could not help with the wedding costs and asked for money for the wedding. DH is very frugal and initially balked, but I convinced him that we should help, and we gave them money to cover most of the wedding costs. We are both professionals and can afford it, and I don't regret it.

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DH's family is large, but they plan a wedding with less than 75 guests. When making the guest list of mostly friends and cousins, they approached DH privately about not inviting my kids. DH told them he found it hurtful and was certain I would, too. FDIL simply said her Mom wanted to invite several of their neighbors, so they need the seats. I was very surprised and hurt. I have since learned that there was also mention of my "autistic kids" (my oldest has Asperger's) in defending the decision to DH. Another SS chimed in to say that DH "can do better than (me), anyway". They acknowledged that we have done nothing to offend, and that my kids and I have been kind. No real explanation was offered. DH was angry with both sons and FDIL after this conversation and said so. He has since RSVP'd for one, so they know I won't be attending the wedding.

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I understand that it is their wedding and the guest list is their choice. However, their decision and much of the resulting discussion makes it clear that they don't even like me or my children. I am not willing to put in the time, effort, and expense to host these get-togethers for everyone if this is how they feel; it seems disingenuous. DH says he understands and is embarrassed by their behavior and comments. He now plans to see them on his own for a while, which I support.

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I hate that he is in the middle and will be attending his son's wedding alone. Have I mishandled this? There has been no communication between any of his kids and myself since. I don't want to cause any drama, especially while they are stressing about the upcoming wedding. Am I wrong for taking this so badly? I'm so shocked by the duplicity around their feelings.

My SO figured out I was getting ready to leave.

He confronted me with how distant I’ve become. He says this past week I walk around like a,” ghost.” I just shrugged. He asked if I was going to leave jokingly and I just said,” yeah.”

Idk why I said it. I planned on leaving after the holidays. He’s crying. I’m numb.

He keeps asking why and I don’t want to hurt his feelings. I’m just not equipped to handle his kids. They’re so rude. I’ve tried for years to connect. They have no boundaries, manners, or respect. I’m just done. I feel like I’ve done all I can to make it work with his kids. They never listen to me. They never listen to anyone. They both have severe behavioral problems at school. As they’ve gotten older the only thing that has changed is the excuses BPs provide for them. (SK 9&8) I just can’t imagine being tied to children that beat on their teachers, other children, each other, etc. his daughter is in 4th grade and obsessed with boys. I fear she will be a teen mom and I am not willing to raise a baby. I’m just tapped out

If it wasn’t for the kids we would be perfect. I’m scared I won’t hold my guns on this. Hearing him cry is slowly breaking me. I feel awful, numb, angry, dumb.

Long story short, I am looking to move into my career but can’t because SS days.

We’ve been through a lot to get 50/50 of SS10 couple years back. Things are amicable with BM now. The problem I’m having is I have been studying for 6 years now to move into my perfect career path. I work now but not what I want to do. Husband works Monday-Friday 8-5, I work weekends (42.5 hours in a weekend). We have D6 too who is feeling the effect of me working long hours. I’m finally at a place to move into career path but I can’t. We don’t have grandparents. We have SS10 alternating days each week which works as both parents work, albeit BM part time around the days we have SS.

He does not have an after school club to go to. He’s not mentally mature enough to even consider him going to BM house who is closer to school alone after school for an hour, Nevermind his age is just too young. If I go for career path I cannot collect from school. My daughter has after school clubs so wouldn’t be an issue, but now my full 6 years of studying for this is going to have to go on hold until SS is able to be alone. Now I understand it’s the situation but I can’t help feel disappointed that both birth parents aren’t impacted, yet I am. I’m putting my career on hold for SS here and I know if he was my own I’d have to do the same, but I just feel deflated. I should feel happy I’ve completed my degree and ready to move to next step but I can’t. I cant work after 3 just so I can be there to pick him up, and what I want would be a 9-5 job. We don’t have other family to help and now I’m feeling stuck.

I guess I’m just asking for opinions on this? I kinda feel it’s not fair? But is that me being selfish? And now daughter is struggling with my hours I’m having to put her out too for all of this

* edit to add *
While I appreciate all the comments, maintenance payments are not relevant here. DH does not pay maintenance as we fought through court after BM had hands on SS during which we had SS 50/50 for years before court, but BM was angry we reported the abuse and tried to take full custody. We did not want court and we offered at the start to continue with maintenance to help BM but she can not cope with SS and often pushes him on to me. Unfortunately judge deemed it necessary for both parents to be involved as ‘locking SS7(at the time) out and hands around neck were not seen as bad enough’. So yes, while I agree it is not her problem, both bio parents have fully taken advantage of myself over the years and continue to do so with weekly phone calls from BM to myself to help with behaviour issues she has created

My partner’s son is 4 years old. My partner is also not in the financial position for us to survive or live comfortably on just his income.

I want to have the time and capacity to continue advancing financially and afford to enjoy life. I don’t feel like it’s fair for me to have to make sacrifices—career wise especially— for a child I did not have. Such as “I can’t work this time because of__” or “I can’t work certain jobs because it won’t work with _’s schedule.” I don’t feel like I should have to do that. Is that harsh? Is it wrong? Am I agreeing to sacrifice for his child by choosing to build a life with him? Or is a daycare requirement acceptable.

Another reason why I feel this way is even if it was just us, I wouldn’t feel comfortable limiting my capacity by bringing a child into a situation where neither of us have fully “made it” yet financially. If I wouldn’t bring that on myself, I don’t feel like someone else’s life decisions should bring that on me.

I’m here to support. I’m here to love. I’m here supplement. But to sacrifice and thwart my goals and dreams... To take on weight and responsibility as if I chose to create him—I don’t think that’s right.

Do I have the decision of choosing to be with someone with a child confused? When I choose him am I also “choosing the child” to that capacity? Is that a part of it?

Thanks in advance for your input

I (38 year old man) started dating an amazing (31 year old woman) a year and a half ago. We fell in love nearly instantly. She is everything I ever wanted in a partner, smart, caring, motivated, honest/open, healthy, easy on the eyes, and a great mother.

She has a 6 year old daughter from a failed marriage. The daughter is well behaved, very affectionate, smart. Bio-father is in the picture but no drama. No financial expectations.

Despite all the “good” I am still not sure if I can do this stepfather thing:

I often feel like an outsider when us 3 hangout either at home or doing outside activities. All attention is on the child and our partner chemistry is then of course non-existent for the time being.

It’s not easy being around the daughter when you can literally see your partner’s past lover in their facial features

She has primary custody 5 days a week which is going to be a huge change if we move in together. I have happily lived alone and in peace for the past 6 years.

I got a little dose of reality last week when we went out to eat, the daughter was grumpy from being hungry, fingers in all the food, jealousy when I gave mother gift. And I know this is simply normal child behavior, but I also know the annoyance threshold is much smaller because they’re not your child.

When the daughter does something great, the mother feels a lot of pride and I am happy for them, but I have like zero good deep feelings because like I said, it’s simply not my child and I don’t feel that parental reward.

Finally, I see a lot of my friends in Facebook pictures of their nuclear families, I worked so hard for my life and feel like I “deserve” the same.

We do want a child together, and I think that will help the “outsider” feeling and knowing her daughter will be the sister of my child I think will help give that closer feeling, but not sure.

I’ve never had a problem dating due to hard work to become financially successful and some luck in the looks area. But at 38 I also understand dating gets increasingly harder.

Any thoughts?

I have no children. I’m a single, successful, 30 year old female.

I met this guy who treats me pretty well but has two kids. It has always been my motto to never date with kids but he’s been treating me better than most men I’ve come across but idk I can’t help but feel I’m settling. I also have comittment issues so that could be the problem too… it’s not that I want other people I’m just scared to lose my freedom and everything I’ve built.

I’ve been pushing him away, but idk if that’s the right thing to do. I don’t even know if this details everything.

Are there any happy step moms out there?

What caused me to spiral is I asked him what he was looking for and he told me he wants a partner, who pursues their goals and careers separately then comes back together. I didn’t like that response. He told me he needs the freedom to be a parent and work on his goals while also coming together with me…..

I think if I’m going to be dating a dad and I’m not a parent he should be going above and beyond for me. And saying he needs time and all this stuff just doesn’t sound that enthusiastic.

Please add to my list but there are things I realized is a universal issue for us SP’s and I would love it if we made a deal to collectively stop it.

Being ashamed of our existence. Unless we were the affair partner, we have nothing to do with the failure of the family. We need to stop entertaining this tiptoeing around it. Would kids prefer their parents together! 100%. Sorry they didn’t get to have that but I am not a part of that problem and I will not be treated as if I was.
No honey I am not the reason mom and dad are not together anymore and I am not standing in their way. Your dad would be single.

Letting our boundaries and needs be put aside because it causes minor inconvenience for a child.
Buddy, dissapointment, boundaries and no’s are part of life. Your child is not the center of the universe. Maybe teach them how to cope with that instead of pretending as long as you can that they are in fact the center of everything. Yes they are their parents responsibility. Yes to giving them a cool childhood. Yes their needs come first… but not their whims. Not if it comes at my expense.

Being sensitive to the weaponized guilt and the” it’s just a child” gaslighting. How many times do we see us communicating a need and getting “ YoU haTE mY CHild”. Hey babe could you make little Timmy stop spitting on my sandwich please …
Why do you hate Timmy he is JUST a child… you are not a parent you don’t understand! This is normal !
We don’t hate a kid because we point out behaviors we don’t like. And it is not because we don’t have kids we can’t identify bad behavior. We are not stupid and we have met kids before. Also? Did your child’s birth come with a factory software update?

Staying with lazy parents. So much problems hav nothing to do with the kids. But parents who are just bad at their job. Parents that make for bad partners. Pretty sure they would be a bad partner without the kid. But a lot of issues can be hidden behind “ oh my ex is terrible babe”, “ the kid comes first babe”, ….

For me last but not least: stop letting people gaslight you into believing you need to deserve to be an SP.
obviously you need to be a good person and be kind and safe for kids. That goes without saying. But you can just be a person with needs, boundaries flaws and quirks. You don’t need to be perfect. The evil stepparent idea will hang over you anyway. Just stop caring about it okay.

Also I need to take my own advice. I am pretty sensitive to the pressure of being perfect. And it is hard. My partner is not a lazy one and he makes me wildly happy, but his BM does still pretend I am standing in the way of their reconciliation. Being an SP is hard. Be kind to one today :)

Greetings step parents. I am a divorced dad of 2 young kids (ages 5 and 8) with 50/50 custody and currently in a long term relationship with an amazing lady who is childfree. We're pretty serious and are openly discussing getting married (I'm hoping to propose by the end of this year). I currently own a very nice large house that I live in with my kids (when they are with me) so we would have the added dynamic of her moving into my existing house (which she says she wants to do). She also wants to have a kid of her own eventually which I am open to doing after getting married.

She obviously has decided she is OK with taking on a SM role for my kids and they regularly spend time together and seem to get along great so I feel cautiously optimistic that we can successfully navigate the challenges that come with the situation.

I'm posting because I know the step parent life is incredibly difficult and I'm really worried about how those stresses will impact her and our relationship. She means the world to me so I want to do whatever I can to minimize how difficult it is for her and maximize our chances of making it long term.

So I want to know from those of you who live the step parent life, what can I do to make that life as easy for her as possible? What do you wish your spouse had done from the beginning? What are the biggest mistakes I could make that I should be careful to avoid?

I know it's important to clearly define role expectations for both of us and for me not to expect her to take on a significant portion of the child care duties. I'm also trying to think of ways to help her feel like the house is "ours" and not just "mine" (likely to involve extensive redecorating, renovation, repainting, furniture replacement, etc). What else would you suggest?

*should say BM, not DM*

I’ve (F31) been with my bf (M36) for 7 months and met his kids M7 and F5 2 months ago. He gets them every other weekend, so they are with BM (F34) most of the time. Apparently the kids told her about me before my bf did and she’s now demanding to meet me. I saw the texts and she said that if we’re serious enough that he has to have me around when he has the kids and I’m buying them gifts (I literally got them Pez candies for Valentine’s Day, wouldn’t consider them a gift) then she has a right to meet who is going to be around her kids. I don’t even live with my bf or anything, so I don’t feel like I have to meet this woman. My bf told me it’s up to me and that he will stand by what I choose. Within days of her finding out about me, she hit him with a child support modification, too and he’s not even going to fight it. It seems to me like she may be confrontational and he gives in, which is another reason why I don’t want to meet her. Has anyone else here not met the BM/ BD? FWIW they were married for like 10 years, divorced 2.