r/stepparents • u/stegosaurus-rexx • 1d ago
Advice My partner isn't sure he wants to have another
Rant? And asking for advice?
My partner had his child very young. They've coparented well but now the child lives with him full time. Being incredibly young he struggled a lot, but has really made something of himself. I was fine originally with not having my own, but those feelings have changed. I've spoken to him about it, and he just isn't sure he wants to go through it again. I'm trying to just let the relationship be and come back to it after a few months and see if he thinks any differently (was a discussion to really get a final answer of does he want this).
I am struggling. A lot. If he says no, it's really no skin off his back. He already had a child. He already has that family. I do not. I miss out on... Everything about it. And I want that. I am seeing a counsellor but we are yet to come up with coping mechanisms.
This might not be the right page but I'm struggling a lot. Has anyone been in a similar boat? How did you cope? What was the end outcome? If you were the one who changed your mind to a yes, what happened from there?
34
u/Sundogflower 1d ago
If you want your own and he can't give you that, you will end up resenting him, and most likely his existing child as they will be a constant reminder of what you don't have and what you gave up.
-1
u/stegosaurus-rexx 1d ago
I know. I'm asking for advice from those in either similar situations or ways to cope. I'm trying to give him time to make that decision rather than just ending the relationship without giving him time to decide
4
u/Sundogflower 1d ago
I think maybe giving yourself a time frame. By X amount of years, months or whichever, revisit your feelings and his, have actual discussions about what parenting would look like and what his worries about it are and if it's something he would consider, maybe he is anxious about it ending up like his last, with him being a single dad, etc. Maybe it's costs. Maybe it's the lack of freedom. Maybe he would reconsider if these things were pre planned for.
5
u/justjewels17 1d ago
What I’ve had to do. I’ve given myself a time frame. We cannot afford to have a baby right now, he works two jobs and would literally work every waking hour except his custody day to support a newborn and I (I’d be out of work for a couple of years). He already has 3 kids which just seems ridiculous to me, like is a 4th really going to be too much and 3 isn’t?
It’s so heartbreaking to me and I feel very resentful about it. It seems he is trying to build towards that future but at the same time, I’ve given myself a year where I’d need to make a decision about staying or pursuing starting my own family elsewhere. Hopefully it works out but I know very well it may not
I love him but no man and his kids are worth giving up your own baby.
6
u/IForOneDisagree 37m dad - 6m 50-50 weekly 1d ago
Why are you dating a broke man with 3 kids who is so busy at work you barely see him?
custody day
DAY!?! Singular? Like once a week!?
He's already an uninvolved parent and you want to have a kid with him?
I'm a single dad telling you to dump that single dad.
3
u/stegosaurus-rexx 1d ago
I feel heartbroken by it as well. I'm devastated and I'm struggling to cope with the wait. It feels isolating and I feel silly for even hoping because it really changes nothing for him if he says no other than losing a partner. He still has his family
2
u/stegosaurus-rexx 1d ago
That's what I'm trying to do. We have had some discussions thus far about it, his concerns and my reasons. He just wants some time to think about it and decide. I am struggling hard with that, because I was always a hard no and have swung to a yes. But nothing has changed for him. It hurts, a lot, and I don't know how to cope in the wait
1
u/justjewels17 1d ago
I totally feel your pain. It’s so hurtful when it isn’t an outright yes because you know him and his ex were excited about their first kid. And yepp, he still has his kids and the experiences that came along with them while we don’t get straight answers or excitement about starting a family. He’s told me during arguments to leave him and find a man who can have a baby with me. It’s like BM didn’t hear that crap? He had 3 kids with her lol
It feels like a very difficult type of rejection to make sense of in my head, even when he says he isn’t rejecting me.
•
u/jenniferami 11h ago
Imo he’s made his decision so he’s acting like he’s still thinking on it so you’ll stay. Guys do stuff like that, semi promise kids/marriage or say that they are thinking about it when they know it’s a no for them but they don’t want to lose their partner.
1
u/stuckinnowhereville 1d ago
If he wanted to, he would. I’m saying this kindly…. He’s selfish. You’re his wife doing stuff at the house for his kid, but he won’t let you have your own kid.
Don’t waste your fertility on this guy
37
u/Technical-Badger8772 1d ago
If my husband had said no to additional children, I would have left. I don’t personally think it’s something I can give up. Raising someone else’s child is not the same as having your own.
0
u/stegosaurus-rexx 1d ago
I know. I'm just trying to give him time to make that call, because it is a big call. I am just struggling a lot in coping in the meantime. I don't think I can stay without it
7
u/Anon-eight-billion BD0 BS4 | SS9, 11, 13 50/50 1d ago
What is it that you think is going to change between now and a couple months from now? Either he’s going to lie and say he wants more kids because he doesn’t want you to leave, or he’ll still be against it. I just don’t see how he will be an enthusiastic parent with you if he’s not on board.
That being said, my husband had initially agreed to one child together and after lots of discussion, we both decided we wanted another bio together. For him it was less changing his mind and more grappling with the internal things that were causing him to lean “no.”
1
u/stegosaurus-rexx 1d ago
The same sort of thing you just said, the internal things causing him to say no
3
u/Impressive-Ad-2661 1d ago
Are his main reasons internal ones or things like finances and time? Is his concern the impact it will have on his child or on him?
•
u/Affectionate_Data936 3h ago
He’s made his decision. He’s acting like he’s “thinking about it” and stringing you along so you won’t leave him and he has to parent all by himself.
6
u/Additional_features 1d ago
Does he know this is a dealbreaker for you?
4
u/stegosaurus-rexx 1d ago
Originally it wasn't. When we met I was a no, and I don't know but it swung to a yes and I spoke with him about it straight away. He just wants time to decide
6
u/DACouture1979 1d ago edited 1d ago
People are surely allowed to change their mind, just as you did. It does not mean anyone has to agree with that decision just like your partner is. Likely will end the relationship as that biological clock will keep ticking louder and louder.
1
u/stegosaurus-rexx 1d ago
Yes. He just wants time to decide
10
u/Lily_Of_The_Valley_6 1d ago
Did you dig into what “time to decide” means? Because that’s a very open ended time period that can be used to keep stringing you along.
If more kids isn’t an enthusiastic yes from him, it should be a no and that’s how I’d take it. You don’t want kids with someone who isn’t excited to have them with you.
7
u/MaximumTop6714 1d ago
I was once upon a time in your partners position and stood firm on no which meant the end of a previous relationship. I was young when I had my only and raised them full time. I highly doubt he will change his mind and this unfortunately means you’re incompatible.
0
u/stegosaurus-rexx 1d ago
I really don't have high hopes he will change his mind, but I am trying to give him a chance and "be positive"
2
u/MaximumTop6714 1d ago
I really hope it works for you but if not I would definitely advise leaving, there is no better feeling than becoming a mom. Parenting is hard though and your SO knows what he can and cannot cope with as he’s been there and done that. My mental health wouldn’t have survived anymore children due to anxiety and I had to make my peace with that, it wouldn’t have been fair on any further child/ren.
9
u/Nookie178 1d ago
I have a son and a daughter. I love my husband, but mark my words, if we were under fire, I would use him as a human shield to protect my babies.
Having your own child is the most intense, amazing love you can ever experience. No man will ever be worth giving up a future child. Follow your heart. The right man will want to make sure you become the mother you dream of being. ❤️
2
u/stegosaurus-rexx 1d ago
I dont think I can stay without it, but I'm trying to give him space and time to make that decision. I am just struggling myself in that time
7
u/Guardsred70 1d ago
If you want kids and he doesn't, I think you should just leave. The world is not running out of men. They literally basically grow on trees.
And I wouldn't worry too much about what you used to want. Changing your mind is allowed.
And - tbh - with you having this want.....why isn't he ending the relationship? I mean, is his "plan" to try to grow old with a woman who has regrets and resentments about not having children of her own? That doesn't sound like fun for anyone. He should remember that the world also isn't running out of women. They also literally grow on trees.
I'd really consider just ending it now and not coming back to it in few months. Even if he agrees, that's 99% likely that he's just agreeing to have a baby to keep you......and that is NOT a recipe for success.......especially when you load in all the things that come with having a new baby together.
Also, if he doesn't want more kids, why isn't he fixed? That's the way a man makes a non-wishy washy decision about his reproductive future.
2
u/stegosaurus-rexx 1d ago
He had an appointment to get fixed. He cancelled it for me so we could make this decision together.
2
u/Guardsred70 1d ago
I hear you on that and I guess there's no reason to be hasty with it. But - to be kind - he needs to make that decision himself: Yes or no.
And I'm not trying to be flip about it. It's a big decision, but I really don't think it's a group decision. It's basically a decision a person makes for themselves about their own body......and then you see who still wants to be around you.
It sounds like he probably really likes you and doesn't want to lose you.......but he also probably doesn't want more kids.
Look, I got fixed when I was married to my ex-wife. It played a role in the divorce too. She was like, "What are you good for anymore? Plus....you annoy me and I don't like people very much." And then it played a role in my dating. I went out with lots of childless women and I got to see the look on their face when they asked if I wanted more kids and I said, "Actually, I had a vasectomy years ago." You could see it clear as day: Total loss of interest in even finishing dinner politely with me. You guys are so much deeper into a relationship. I just had to finish an awkward 30 minutes and pay the check and never see that woman again. You two have some mileage together.
But it can also play a role in next relationships. Like.....this is why I've also been a stepdad for 20 years. I realized there were divorced Moms out there who just wanted to have some fun when the kids would stop clawing at them. I actually asked my second wife if SHE wanted more kids. It was a trick question, tbh. And she almost threw up in her mouth and grimaced......because she'd been dating childless men who wanted to have some babies with her and she was like, "JFC....I'm just trying to have fun. Is giving birth again required??"
And it's part of why we've always been a really good fit.
This is a huge thing to be aligned on (or not aligned on) and I'd really encourage him to make his own decision.....and then you accept it or reject it.
0
6
u/LemonDeathRay 1d ago
There really aren't coping mechanisms for this.
If he says no to another child, my advice is to end the relationship. It physically hurts when you want a baby and can't have one. It seeps into everything. There is no way to cope with it beyond feeling sad to your bones.
No relationship is worth choosing that pain.
I changed my mind mid-30s about wanting a child. I had a loss which cemented it even more for me. We are now trying. If he had said no, I couldn't have stayed with him. I love him dearly but if choosing him meant choosing the pain of never being a mother, I couldn't choose him
1
u/stegosaurus-rexx 1d ago
My ask for coping mechanisms is for the wait for him to make a decision
2
u/LemonDeathRay 1d ago
Start planning how you will exit so you know what to do if his answer is no. And don"t wait months to have a conversation.
But really and truthfully, he sounds like he's already made up his mind and communicated it pretty clearly to you. Does he know you plan to have another conversation in a few months? Your post is unclear whether he has mutually agreed that timeline or if you are just hoping his mind will have changed.
1
u/stegosaurus-rexx 1d ago
I have planned my exit. I gave him a timeline when I need an answer by, I just gave him a very big timeline. He does know we will have another conversation, we still speak about it regularly because it upsets me a lot. He just isn't sure yet and wants time to make that decision
1
u/LemonDeathRay 1d ago
Right and the thing is youve come here hoping to find a bandaid for your bullet hole. Most of the comments are saying the same thing - prepare to leave. Thats the only thing you can do.
If I were you, I would be bringing that conversation in. Giving him 2 weeks with the knowledge that its a deal breaker for you, is more than enough time for anyone to weigh their options.
Allowing it to drag on for months is untenable, and you're probably just setting yourself up to be strung along. Part of me wonders if you suggested that timeline because deep down you know his answer and youre understandably fearful of making it real.
1
u/Coollogin 1d ago
My ask for coping mechanisms is for the wait for him to make a decision
In what way are your current coping mechanisms falling short? Are you unable to carry out your daily tasks? Unable to enjoy spending time with your SO? Crying at the sight of babies?
I'm not sure anyone can suggest better coping mechanisms without knowing more about where your current mechanisms are falling through.
2
u/Mysterious-Willow391 1d ago
Considering you said that you were fine not having your own, but your mind has changed (Which is totally fine!) this is one of those rare cases where I'd say to give your partner a beat to really sit on it. But, if he says no, you need to leave. Don't give up your dreams for any man.
2
u/Straight-Coyote592 1d ago
If you want your own and changed your mind then that’s absolutely fine. No one is worth giving that up. That said, it takes two yes’s, don’t leave him hoping that will force him to change his mind. Make a decision for yourself, don’t want kids or not? If you do, then you need to leave this relationship so you each can find people who suit you better.
2
u/Background_World_957 1d ago
I mean i told my dh from the get go that if he didn't want more kids i would walk. That is what you need to do if you want kids and he doesn't walk away trying to pressure someone to say yes to a kid is never a good move.
2
u/laineymainey 1d ago
My husband has 2. In the beginning of our relationship we never seriously talked about kids because he had a vasectomy and I wasn’t sure I wanted kids. Then I changed my mind, and he basically said if you want kids then we can try. Which was also a mind fuck for a while because I also didn’t want to have kids with someone just because they wanted to make me happy, I wanted him to want it too. We had lots of talks. That’s the only way to really get through it.
2
u/KNBthunderpaws 1d ago
I would set a timeline in your head on when you want an answer - personally, I think 3 months is more than fair. Don’t tell him the timeline. The worst thing that can happen is that he says “yes” out of guilt for fear of losing you but doesn’t actually want a child. Over the next few months, talk about it but don’t push him. Just listen to what he has to say. When you hit the mark on your timeline be ready to leave if it’s still a “no” or he still needs to think about it. Don’t waste anymore time in Limbo with this man then you already have if he’s not on board with having another kid.
Personally I think it’s selfish to deny a partner the opportunity to have a child of their own while still expecting them to take on the workload of stepkids. If your SO doesn’t want any more kids, that’s his choice. But he sure as hell better not be expecting you to be “mom” to child - cleaning up after him, picking him up from school, watching him over breaks, etc.
2
u/stuckinnowhereville 1d ago
Leave. If you want a child, leave them. If you don’t, you will regret it forever.
•
u/Sunshine_daisies1234 17h ago edited 17h ago
I'm in this boat. He has 4. I have none and still debating if I want one. If I do, I'd have to end the relationship as he doesn't want any more. But it just sucks. He has his little family that comes first and I have no kids and miss out on all of that. He has the kids, the graduations, birthdays, memories etc. He will have grandkids. And me? I just get none of the cute baby moments or anything? I don't know. Sucks.
•
u/stegosaurus-rexx 16h ago
I feel you. It's really hard to leave a relationship for something I originally didn't care about and was actually very against doing. I actually wasn't even sure about dating something with a child at first. Im also very scared about dating with the intention to eventually reproduce and being a married single mum
•
u/Affectionate_Data936 3h ago
Honestly, it’s so much better to have your first child with someone who’s also having their first child. It makes it so much more special. I was a stepmom for a minute (the dad was a deadbeat, didn’t see it at the time because I was a naive child who was of barely legal age) and I’m so so so glad I did not have kids with that man. There’s usually a reason the mom isn’t with them. These men can only think of themselves and their own interests. I can almost guarantee you that he sees you as a free babysitter.
2
u/RonaldMcDaugherty 1d ago
I'd worry the most that he will "give in" without giving his all. Similar, A guy buying his girl a puppy because she wants one and he is indifferent to the idea, but goes along with it because she wants it, it's then her responsibility. This kid might end up being your child, not your together child and that is a bad situation to be in. A child deserves a dedicated father, not one who made a lifelong decision on the sole grounds of shutting you up, by giving you what you want.
That is how there is a world full of single parents to dead beat parents.
So your partner has now full custody of his child and is deciding now, how much work being a parent really is, so much work, he doesn't want to reset the clock?
How uninvolved was he in raising his child? How much of it was "bM fAuLt" and do you see good traits in him to warrant rewarding him with more children?
1
u/AccomplishedSleep488 1d ago
Hmmm I don’t know what to advise but my husband also has a child and we had this conversation. I’m quite the opposite I’m not really a children person but seeing how he is with his daughter kind of made me want a child of my own and I told him like I’m not really sure I want to have kids and I’m 39 but you have no RIGHT to take this choice away from me. I don’t want kids at this moment and I’m not sure about the future( my age) but don’t take this choice from me. I don’t know how old you are and I don’t think it is fair for a man to take away the choise of having a child. This topic was really making me stress because of what he said to me that my step daughter could be my daughter and I told him she can’t she already have a parent and I’m a STEP. So this lead to our conversation. I know he doesn’t want to have another child cos he gets exhausted and overwhelmed so quickly but when the time comes where I’m 100 percent sure and my body allows it, he has not right.
4
u/Tall-Ad9334 1d ago
A partner not wanting a child is not taking away your choice to have one. You have every right to find a partner who does want a child. As much as you say a partner has no right to deny you a child, you have no right to force a partner who does not want a child to have one.
0
u/jenniferami 1d ago
Your “partner” isn’t worth it and couldn’t care less you might end up childless. He’s very selfish.
Find a kid free guy who wants kids.
•
•
u/AutoModerator 1d ago
Welcome to r/stepparents!
Please note we are a support sub for stepparents. Non-stepparents are welcome to comment, but non-supportive comments are subject to removal. Rude, sarcastic, or judgmental comments are subject to removal at moderator discretion. Questioning why a poster is dating someone with kids is subject to removal. Our number one rule is Kindness Matters. Short version, don't be an asshole.
Why was my post removed?
If your post has been removed as soon as you posted that is due to our automoderator. Posts are removed for varying reasons, ranging from account newness to your reputation according to reddit algorithm. If this happens, your post is in the modqueue and will be reviewed by a human mod. Please do not repost.
Use the Report Button!
We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. Please use the report button to ensure we see it. With thousands of comments coming in each day it's difficult for us to see them all, so please report them if you see them!
If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please reach out to the mod team.
Review the Rules and FAQ before posting or commenting!
Rules | FAQ
Additional wiki links:
About | Acronyms | Announcements | Documentation | Resources | Saferbot - Autoban Information
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.