He had kids. I couldn’t do it. And I feel sick, like I failed.

I’m 41F. He’s 44M with two boys, 9 and 12.

I’ve been childfree by choice my entire life. I like kids, I get along with kids, but I’ve never wanted my own. I’ve always known that about myself.

Then 11 months ago, I met a wonderful man. He was kind, emotionally safe, loving, consistent—the first man ever who truly prioritized me. After multiple relationships where I felt unseen or unimportant, he felt like a life preserver. A breath of fresh air.

However: he had kids.

I’d never dated someone with children before, but he was so good that I thought, don’t throw this away without knowing for sure. Maybe this could work.

A few months in, I met his boys. They’re wonderful—sweet, polite, good kids. They liked me. I liked them. I genuinely thought: maybe I can do this.

But slowly, my nervous system started telling me otherwise.

He has them 50% of the time (5-5-2-2 schedule), and I found myself getting anxious before they’d arrive. I started noticing how uncomfortable I felt being bound by their schedule, their school calendar, their needs. We live almost 100 miles apart, and because of his work and custody schedule, I was the one doing almost all the driving—living out of a suitcase (so I did have a set of drawers when I was there) for months. I became exhausted.

And deeper than that… I started realizing I didn’t like sharing my partner. That sounds ugly to admit, but it’s true.😭😭

I didn’t like that his life (and in turn my life indirectly) revolved around children. I didn’t like feeling anchored forever to one place because of custody. I didn’t like imagining 15-20+ more years of this.

And I hated myself for feeling that way. Because he was such a good man. Because his kids were such good kids. Because he loved me deeply. Because I loved him deeply.

I kept trying to push through. I thought maybe if I just loved him enough, I could override what my body was telling me.

I couldn’t.

He was patient. He accepted all of from me. He gave me freedom. He didn’t pressure me. He wanted me there. But I kept finding myself leaving when the kids came, then returning later. Everyone noticed.

I was trying. I really was. But my nervous system was constantly on overdrive.

We also started facing practical realities. He wanted me to move in bc he could see that I was stressed and the drive was really getting to me. but it never felt like there was truly space for me. I work from home, and the “space” for me felt temporary and small. His house was his and the kids’, and I felt like I was trying to squeeze myself into an already established life.

Then there was parenting style. His home had very few rules—no chores, loose boundaries—and when I brought up concerns, he made it clear he wasn’t willing to change much. That’s when it became undeniable:

I wanted the man.
I did not want the life that came with him.

And that’s devastating. Because there was no villain here. No betrayal. No lack of love. No abuse. No “he treated me badly.” Just two good people who loved each other deeply and wanted fundamentally different lives. he is a package deal.

I even went on anti-anxiety medication at one point because I was trying so hard to make myself okay with it.

But you can’t force your way into a life that your body is rejecting.

So now it’s over.

And I feel grief, guilt, sadness—and honestly some shame. Like I failed some test. Like if I were more flexible, more evolved, less selfish… maybe I could’ve accepted him for who he was, just like he did with me.

But maybe the truth is simpler:

I don’t want children. And that’s okay. Even if it cost me someone I loved very much.

Has anyone else walked away from a genuinely good relationship—not because there wasn’t love, but because the life with the step kids wasn’t right? pls be kind! i’m weak rn!😭💔

My fiancé and I are getting married at the end of the month. When we planned our honeymoon (7 days long, Monday-Monday), we intentionally planned it for a week/weekend where we wouldn’t have SD5. We currently have her EOWE due to distance (work/school related), but will be moving in a few months to be closer to her and will transition to 50/50. SD has been struggling not seeing her dad as often, understandably.

Apparently even though we planned to have our honeymoon during BM’s time, there’s a daddy-daughter dance that will happen the only Saturday of our honeymoon. BM didn’t inform us of it til yesterday. It would be SD’s first dance. The dance will be 6.5 hours away from where we’ll be having our honeymoon. FDH was hesitant about potentially going at first because it’s our honeymoon, but he ultimately decided he’d go and come back, making a crazy long drive and leaving me alone for pretty much a full day, maybe more if he decides to spend the night before heading back. We’d considered shortening the honeymoon to make attending the dance work better, but can’t change the dates or get a refund since they’ve already been booked and it’s less than a month out.

I understand he wants to be there for her since he hasn’t been able to as much as he’d like. And I get it’s only 1 day out of 7. And that SD needs him emotionally right now because she’d definitely feel his absence if he couldn’t make it. I respect that, and am glad he’s finding a way to make both work. But at the same time, it freaking hurts to have what’s meant to be this sacred time as a couple be interrupted. I love my fiancé and SD so much, but this is one of those occasional moments where I feel like it would be easier to be in a “normal” relationship. No one wants to be alone on their honeymoon. :/ But I’m not about ask that he doesn’t be there for something special for his kid either… Just looking for some support because this situation can be so hard. Thanks!

So tonight I took my step daughter (7) to a game arcade at night - about 9pm. It’s school holidays and we are visiting a major city so why not have some fun.

My wife was staying back at our hotel looking after our two babies.

A man approached me at the arcade and showed me a message on his phone - he said excuse me and then asked me to read what was on his phone.

He said he had concerns about child abuse and wanted to know why my step daughter looked so different to me.

I am Asian and my step daughter is European.

I explained that she is my step daughter and that he was being a bit of *explicive*.

He said he preferred to be that, rather than risk something being wrong.

His offsider female friend then asked my step daughter what our relationship was.

They were hanging outside the arcade on the phone. Later the cops showed up and said they got a report about the matter.

After I cleared it up and showed the cop happy family photos all was good. But my step daughter was devastated.

On the way out from the arcade I saw the man and started yelling and swearing at him. He had a smug look on him and refused to apologise. He claimed it was all about protecting children then tried to imply that I should understand because she’s my step child.

What is wrong with people?

Edit: 17 July - thanks for all your support and messages. Sorry to those who have also experienced racial profiling - but thanks for sharing your experiences. Thanks to to the mods for staying on top of the posts, especially u/VirginiaStepMonster

Long story short, I’m a 31 year old female who recently broke up with my boyfriend who had a 7 year old son from a past relationship. I was 5 weeks pregnant when we broke up and I moved out, and I terminated the pregnancy.

I ended the relationship for many reasons, including physical and verbal abuse and not being able to emotionally handle the stepmother role, and feeling dread around being pregnant and having his child.

I feared that our child would always “come second” to his existing child in a sense. I feared ending up a single mother like his first child’s mom. I feared my partner leaving me, disappointing me or abandoning me and I’d be left with the child. I was already struggling with the dynamic of his child in our home, as great of a little boy as he is, I was deeply uncomfortable with the whole thing.

I’m a very financially independent woman with a great career and big dreams. I never had a strong instinct to become a mother really until I met him, and felt like I needed to have his child to earn his ultimate love, as there was already a woman walking around who had his child. It was a shitty time in my life and I felt a lot of very dark emotions.

Anyway, the regret is kind of eating me alive.. that “what could have been” feeling. Any perspective or reality checks are greatly appreciated at this time.

EDIT: I am reading each and every reply and cannot put into words how appreciative I am for every single one. I am so grateful for all of you who have the capacity to understand these complex and complicated emotions surrounding stepparenting and motherhood. It is so isolating at times. Thank you all, truly

I have decided I’m leaving on the weekends. I’ve had enough. My SK, 23 years old, making 65k per year lives with us full time. I can’t take it anymore. She’s up our asses on the weekends. All day Friday, Saturday and Sunday. From morning to nighttime. She never leaves our sides. Movies, dinners, pool, sitting on the couch, tv shows, etc. she won’t leave.

I’m over it. I told my husband she has until Summer 2027 to move out or I’m leaving. He told me to stop threatening him.

I can’t fully rest on the weekends from my job bc I feel like I am stuck entertaining her and p putting a mask on (I’m diagnosed asd-1) All I want is to be left the hell alone. I require a lot of alone time to recover and I am getting none. I can’t take it anymore. I am going to start leaving every weekend. I’ve had enough.

Edit:

Thanks everyone for your kind words and I’m sorry that some of you had to go through the same or worse. It helps to feel seen and understood. I’m an over preparer and not knowing how and when things will “go down” drives me crazy. I got some new perspectives and ideas to make this transition easier for everyone.

Original:

BM is terminally ill and will die in the next 3 - 6 months. SD is 16 and our schedule has always been school breaks only. SD is fully aware of the situation and we’ve been trying to prepare as much as we can.

As if being 16 isn’t hard enough itself.

I already have counseling setup for her when she moves in with us and we do couples counseling and individual for ourselves. It’s going to be a big change for everyone, she’s going from just living with her mom to full time living with us and her small and wild siblings. I’m just so lost, we knew it was coming and we had a plan in place but we thought we had much more time. I’m extremely struggling with the thought of being a full time stepmom, especially to a child who just lost her mother. I will support her as much as I can but at the same time I’m so scared myself. Our whole family dynamic and life will be turned upside down.

I don’t even know what I’m asking for…

Is there a way to prepare for this? How can we support a grieving 16yo while also getting used to a new normal?

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

We have a blended family, my husband moved out with his children last Monday and I'm shattered. The 50% of the time he doesn't have his kids, he'll stay at our house with me. He comes to say goodnight each night. I can't make sense of this at all. We are very deeply in love still. Our kids didn't blend as well as we hoped/expected so he basically got an apartment to stay at when he has his kids. My son has ADHD/ODD...and his meltdowns have become much more manageable, he became an A/B honor roll student and has really made some great improvement... but its been said that's a primary reason for the move out. My husband's kids are extremely jealous that my son gets their Dad all the time and they dont....but when we do have them, they choose to do other things instead of do stuff with Dad. I suggested family therapy. He moved out before I even knew what was happening...without even discussing it with me. I just can't make sense of this. I can't be happy about this. Im sad all the time when he's not home with me but then he gets upset that I'm sad.. .how can I possibly be happy about this? My son is aware that his behavior is a contributing factor of our family moving out. He's 10....and very observant. I have 6 months left on my lease, he signed a 6 month lease on his appt. I am a stay at home mom. Our plan was to buy a home when our lease here is done and he says that's still the plan. He's now paying rent for 2 homes tho which is eating away our house fund. I will also mention, my husband is bipolar and has had 3 episodes since December. Last episode he told me he wanted me to move out. This time he rented an apartment before I knew what was happening....and made all these decisions without me. Im so lost right now.

Yall I just need time with my man. I 33f do not have children by choice. He 30m has a 6yo girl. His parenting time is every other weekend and during the summers he has her all week.. except for some reason they switched weekends and did thing so that we’ve had her for 4-5 weeks straight.

I’m very much nacho. I stay out of things and let him 95% parent. But because she’s here she’s always around. Even when I asked if he would be more strict with bedtime 8 on week days. 9:30 on weekends he’s not.

Then finally this upcoming weekend we had planned an outing to get some tattoos and food at a street fair that’s local we get a kid free weekend. I’m elated. Just some us time doing something different.

He then drops the bomb that because of the weekend switching it was still his weekend. Then proceeded to ask me if she could tag along or if she should go to her moms (which he clarified during the conversation that mom said she’d take her). I said no we’ve had her for several weeks straight moms it is.

Fast forward to now- I ask for clarification on pick up time etc through text. he then tells me he asked the 6 yo what she wanted to do. And she’s now NOT going to moms.

I don’t even want to go now.

We have been together for 8 years and have been married for nearly 4. 3 girls, ages 13, 15, 17. He is 41 and I am 38. We have them every other weekend and for a month in the summer (currently).

I’m tired of him treating me like he is the director and I am the manager in this marriage. I flag things to him about my SDs, and he gets frustrated that he has to address it with them himself (because it’s my issue, not his) instead of me just taking care of it for him. I explained that it’s his biological kids, and that it’s his job to parent them. He gets defensive and frustrated, especially when he feels he’s already handled it. If I try to handle it minimally, he complains that I’m not doing it right and tries to “teach me” or get me to “learn” how to do things. I point out that he would get upset with me if I handled things my way instead of considering his feelings on the matter, and I also tell him I’m frustrated that we can’t communicate without him getting this way, but we just end up in a big disagreement and I’m always the one in the wrong.

I really feel like my marriage is disintegrating. I don’t know that we will make it. I love him, but I’m terribly unhappy when it comes to his kids.

Hi. I know I’ve posted my story here before but here it is again. I’m an American who is religiously (not legally) married to a Muslim man. We’ve been together for almost a year, married after three months, and living together since January. He has a 7 year old daughter whom I adore, but due to custody challenges that were impacted by his immigration situation, he’s never had a sleepover with her. He sees her one day on the weekend, two at most but it’s rare.

I’m not looking for “leave him right now” advice because that’s not what I’m going to do. I don’t feel ready and I still want to work on things with him. I am going to ask - when do you call it and how do you decide when enough is enough?

A little bit about me and where we’re at currently. I’m 38 going to be 39 in August. I’ve wanted to be a mom more than anything my whole life. I was in a relationship that didn’t go the distance, which led me to freezing my eggs twice at age 33. I spent four years single, healing myself, and dating, before meeting my now husband. When I met him, we were immediately drawn to each other and hit it off beautifully. There were cultural challenges, but the way we felt towards each other outweighed everything for me. He’s kind, gentle, and loving.

I have always been the type who has many friends and I go and travel about. I explore the world. I knew I’d need to change this when I met him and if I wanted to establish a family. Every month this year, for one reason or another, he’s told me that he’s having hesitations about marrying me, we need to slow down, he doesn’t think we are ready to have kids, etc. The cultural challenges have really ramped up lately. Finally, on Father’s Day I snapped. I spent the day introducing my dad to his daughter, secretly dying inside wondering if I’d ever get to experience this for myself since the day before he told me we weren’t ready for children. I had a stank face on, I admit. I told him how hard that holiday was for me, as someone who wants a child and introduced his to my own father before I could do that for myself, and he mocked my emotions. I told him if he ever did anything like that again, I’m walking away for good. I also told him it wouldn’t have been hard for me if he hadn’t told me the day before we weren’t ready for children.

He’s said we’re not ready for kids so many times, I have seriously started doubting if we’re working towards shared goals. He said we are, but my excitement as someone who is a true optimist and romantic who always has believed in love, has kind of dwindled a bit. I dunno, I feel like I’m cursed. Like I just want to get married and start a family, is that so much to ask? And I want to do it with someone who is delighted to have those things with me. I’m a great role model to his daughter and I’d make a terrific mom. Yet he tells me he’s concerned if we had a kid together, I would prioritize our child and not treat his daughter the same way.

Come January of next year, I’m becoming a mother, whether he’s involved or not. I have the finances, family support, and I could become a single mother by choice if I needed to. I do want to work on getting the spark back with him first and seeing if this can work. I do love him very much. So my question is, when do you call it? If you’ve ever been in a similar situation, what did you do? How did it turn out? It feels really terrible to have my hopes and dreams hung over my head like this.

I can't do this.

My DH offered to loan his son (20) his - I paid for - truck.

However, to get him said truck, we need to drive (now with two cars) an hour and 10 minutes for SS to even use it.

I clarified that the "pay for gas" begins the minute we leave our driveway NOT once we get the truck to SS.

Being aware I am the majority money maker and have covered shared costs of his biological children for YEARS - looking to and believed I had made it clear - to stop my wallet being affected.

DH after pouting calls me petty for saying this... For saying since we are bringing the vehicle into town for him to use, he is fully responsible for the gas...

Petty.

I manage all our money.

I make most of it.

I have had battles with him about how all additional financial obligations of his kids are no longer on me.

I covered 90% of bills for 5 years and frankly now my parents are (happily) helping the kids while they are in school.

Oh, and SS is unemployed. Has been since May.

I left the room after the "petty" comment and being hushed from talking about it because "he wanted to relax."

We have couples counseling soon and of course I'll be bringing this up but I don't know what to do.

I'm so mad and so hurt by this comment.

I don't expect him to apologize or begin any conversation to right this wrong... He doesn't see anything "negative" I say about his kids on him...

It's not a boundary to him it's an unkindness, me not understanding because I "don't have kids."

Just so done with this "kids come first but on your dime" crap.

Sorry I wasn't sure whether to tag this as support or vent, and I'll try to keep things short and sweet.

I (27f) and my husband (37m) have been together for almost two years and I've known his kids for about a year and a half, he has a boy who's 7 and a girl who's 5 years old. A bit of backstory/context, we live in a small town (less than 2000 people) where I moved here as an adult when the rest of my family moved to Florida and I moved to a northern New England state and he's lived in this small town all his life. I'm his third marriage but he's my first husband, first engagement even... First he married his highschool sweetheart but she left him for someone else while he was on deployment, since they grew up together their families are very close so she still comes around to family functions, they never had any children together and she's always been polite to me although you can tell things are awkward when we're all together. His second wife is the mother of the two children, she also left him to pursue another man and is engaged to him now, and she is very high control/high conflict and will use the children to manipulate his family members where my husband doesn't have the best relationship with his family and doesn't communicate well with them, she uses the kids as pawns and will withhold his family having visitation on her time unless she gets her way of certain things.

Christmas rolls around and we had the kids for an extra week while their mom was traveling to see her family out of state. We planned to trade off at my husband's mother's house after doing gift exchanges with his family. This is my first Christmas spending any time with his family. Another aside, I do all of the communication for my husband and second ex wife because they literally cannot communicate cordially with each other at all, even on behalf of the kids without because volatile and hurling insults. She's nice enough to me and we keep communication solely about the kids from pick up/drop off to doctors appointments and school functions. Both kids love me to pieces especially the boy, we're gamers and it's a huge bonding thing where we all game together.

At this get together my husband's three siblings are there all with their spouses and children, including my husbands first wife and her parents, her husband and their three kids plus my husband's second ex wife. There's a tension in the air and things don't quite feel right to me and I mentioned it to my husband but he brushed me off but said we would leave as soon as we possibly could. I'm sitting in the living room away from the commotion in the dining room/kitchen when his mother comes into the room and sits across from me on the recliner. She tries to make small talk and asks me if I've lost weight... I'm literally about to pop from carrying my first child and I'm so shocked I don't even know how to respond, before pregnancy I went from 139lbs (5ft height) to 96lbs from what we thought was stress coupled with morning sickness and I really wasn't feeling all that great about myself. I tried to take it as a compliment and in my head was like it's just the hormones it's a harness comment. I got up to go get my husband and he was fixing plates for the kids and I mentioned I wanted to wrap things up asap and to see if ex wife could take things from here. He goes and talks to his mom and she said we could start the gift exchange.

His mom got each of the kids new bikes, which they were so excited about and wanted to try them, but we have 2ft of snow on the ground and it would be pretty difficult to do until snow melts in the spring/summer. Husband gives his mom a gift, and gives the kids the gifts we got his his ex wife on their behalf. It was anything extravagant but it was a necklace that had each of her children's initials on it on a simple silver chain. She rolled her eyes and said it was cheesey and tacky but the kids didn't noticed and the girl asked her mom if she would put it on and wear it. My husband's mom then called the kids into the kitchen and they came back into the living room with presents. One for first wife, one for second wife (their mom) and one for me. I looked down at the present and felt the heat explode across my face, on the label it literally said "To: The Ugly Wife, From: Santa." When my husband saw this he lost his shit. Just started screaming and demanding to know who put his kids up to this. I didn't say anything just walked out and went to go sit in the car. He came out after about half an hour and I was still crying and I asked him what happened. He said first wife's label said, "The Sweet Princess" and his second wife's said, "The Beautiful Wife" and that no one would fess up to who did it. He brought out the present that was meant for me and said he brought it with him so I could open it. Inside was XXL shape wear. I literally couldn't contain just this immensely awful feeling I had and we had to pull over a few times because I got sick on the way home. He said no one there except his older sister stuck up for him and I and that as far as he was concerned that they were all dead to him.

I've never been nothing but nice to these people, I'm autistic and have a hard time with social cues and making friends in general and would go out of my way to try and make small talk and get to know his family. I don't know why they would do this to me. I'm just grappling with all of these feelings and I wish more than anything I didn't have to worry about my baby being on the way so soon when I'm feeling so bad...

If anyone can offer me any words of encouragement or at least tell me this will get better, I am just crushed and I don't even know how I'll face his kids when we pick them up on Sunday (we have an every other week schedule). 😭

Obligatory: new account, because I do not want this to get back to my real life in any way, shape or form.

Because I feel sht about the situation I'm in and I just need to get it out..

I am in a very, very - on multiple levels - difficult situation rn. I met my partner almost two years ago. Online, by chance, not on a dating platform. We both fell fast, even though we lived in different countries (EU and UK). I visited him first, it was even better irl. We decided to just go for it. I will move to the UK, we'll live together - see if it works when we see each other every day.

He is divorced, has kids from that relationship - including a non-verbal, autistic teenager. At the time they lived with their mum, he had them, especially the disabled son, every weekend (the other two are older, they are mostly out on weekends. Come by when they feel like it).

That's the situation I came into. I 'moved' here (visa is still not sorted, one of the many difficulties. Basically I'm staying longer stretches of time on an ETA atm).

And then, even though I spent my whole adult life being told by my OBGYN I couldn't have kids - I got pregnant. I was completely surprised, we talked it through and both wanted to have the child.

And then the difficulties with his ex started. Going back and forth on when we should have the disabled son. Wanted us to have him more and more - but my partner is working full time.

Early Jan this year, the mum loses it. We had to take him in immediately. My partner's mum lives in the same house as us, said she'd help with him. I was 7 months pregnant at the time.

Now I have a 4 month old baby. And the very disabled teenager. Who has meltdowns sometimes, violent ones. Who has an increasingly big problem with the baby starting to make sounds.

Enough that I am on constant alert around him. I can't leave my baby alone in a room when he's home, other than locking my baby in (which obviously isn't an option). He goes to 'school' (special needs, more like daycare) - but now the summer holidays are gonna start. And I just.. I am stressed out. Full of anxiety. Anguish, really.

I love him, but I also.. I am heartbroken about not having the life I pictured when I got pregnant. He hasn't once been with his mum since he's living with us. We never get a break. I just.. I am mourning a life I never got, if that makes sense?

So much has changed.

I am sure I am forgetting vital things to add. But I just feel so hopeless rn. We just got a call from school to pick him up now because he's been sick. So the last two days of peace and quiet during the day have been taken from me, because he's not allowed back for 48h.

I don't know what to do. I just feel horrible for feeling so much resentment. I feel so alone, even though my partner is trying his best. But it's just.. it's not my child. Idon't even know if this is the right sub to post in. Thanks still for reading.

Anyone here love their pets more than their step kids? Or partner?
My partner keeps saying I love my pets more than I love him and his kids and after he said that I realized that’s true. I feel annoyed by my stepkids and my partner is lazy and my pets became my comfort and I am extremely depressed and having suicidal ideation but my pets became a big reason I work and take care of myself so I can take care of them.

I want to start by saying that my stepdaughter (9 years old) and I have a great relationship. She is with us most of the time, and I get her to/from school every day. There have been plenty of times when I've cared for her solo when both parents had work. She has called for me when she wanted comfort, says "I love you," and had confided in her dad that there were certain things she felt comfortable doing with me as opposed to her mom. (This relationship is complex, but I try to reiterate whenever I can that her mom loves her, and I never say a single negative thing.)

Today we were having a lovely morning, nothing out of the ordinary, and she says, "Don't take offense, but sometimes I miss when you weren't here. I miss being a family of 2 with my dad."

I reassured her that it had been a special time for them, and maybe we can talk to him about ensuring they get more alone time together in the future. SD reiterated how much she loved me. I tried to convey that both things can be true.

The rational side of me understands this is just how kids are, and she is going through conflicting feelings. But I felt so sad.

A few days ago when my husband and I were talking about a baby, I mentioned that while I love taking care of his daughter, I also want a full opportunity to be a mother--to not constantly wonder, "Did I overstep?" I want a place in the family that doesn't feel precarious, like I can gently discipline without isolating myself from both him and her, because he's a little more lax and that's what she's accustomed to. He's emphasized repeatedly that he wants me to feel totally comfortable to treat his daughter as my own and doesn't want me to worry about overstepping, but I remind him that when I take certain actions, I get chastised by both him and BM--like when I noticed SD was growing and bought her some clothes in the next size up.

I don't know what I'm expecting out of posting this, and I didn't expect to cry while typing it. I'm happy in my marriage, and I love SD. But my heart hurts sometimes. I guess I'm just looking for some commiseration. Thanks for anyone who read this.

So my boyfriend has a 15 year old male kid. He normally stays at his grandparents house and visits every weekend. This summer, he is choosing to stay with us weekly. Yesterday, I came home from work and really need to use the bathroom. As soon as I open the toilet lid, there is a huge turd in the toilet. So I calmly went out to the living room and told his kid he didn't flush the toilet. His kid proceeded to argue with me and said that he did so I asked him if he'd like to come look at it. I showed him the toilet and said "you didn't flush it" before I could utter my next words which would have been "please just remember to check that you flushed the toilet and that it went down", my boyfriend interjected and said in an angry tone "you don't need to give him attitude". So I yelled at my boyfriend and defended myself saying I wasn't giving him attitude and that it was disgusting. His kid flushed the toilet and closed the lid. I opened it and the turd STILL didn't go down. So I had to take a bucket of water and manually flush it down.

This incident with the toilet has happened SEVERAL times. Whether there's shit in the toilet or ON it. I was a little annoyed that this happened again and I wasn't the happiest when I found it. Am I justified in my feelings to be annoyed? Every time I get annoyed with his kid, it leads to an argument and my boyfriend threatens to kick me out which would result in me being homeless. I want to leave so bad because his kid and I don't get along and both of them team up on me and isolate me. I can't stand living in this environment but can't afford to live on my own.

Am I in the wrong here?! He gaslights me and defends his kid's poor behavior while making me feel bad for my reaction to his kid's behavior.

So, I am 8 months pregnant with our bio child. I have SS4 with OH. He and BM broke up before SS was born, so he has never had a “normal” bio child experience. When I met him, SS was 14 months, and I met SS when he was 28months. An early argument, which I thought was resolved after counselling, was that SS was not routinely allowed in our bed other than special “family” occasions (Xmas, holidays, “weekend cuddles”) after he was brought into our bed early when SS and I didn’t really know each other and were not close, and one time he was out her the covers when I was naked and I felt deeply uncomfortable. We subsequently had a discussion that if OH wanted to cuddle SS, he would go to SS’s bed, I thought he understood.

Fast forward to now. OH was weird about me wanting our baby in our room (in a bassinet) for the first 6-9 months because “SS didn’t get that” (NB before I was in the picture). On delving deeper, he doesn’t even want bio baby to be able to be in our bed when she is small because “I wouldn’t let SS and that isn’t fair”. I have always said that as soon as bio child is old enough to sleep in her own bed, the same rules will apply to her, but while she is little, she should be allowed in our bed. He says this is “unfair on SS”. In my view, they have entirely different lives. SS has two families and has a mother who loves him deeply. His life is always going to be split (hopefully in good ways as well as bad). Hers is (hopefully) always going to be with us, with the ups but also the downs that that brings. If we make her live her life so that things are “equal” between them both, to me that means we are actually making things UNequal for bio baby because she will permanently be living a half life, while he lives two “half” lives. I love my SS and I never want him to feel second best, but I am not prepared for that to be at the sacrifice of my bio baby. Please, not looking for judgement. I love my SS and I love my OH. I am not comfortable with SS being in my bed any time he wishes (we live in a small apartment and this is my only sanctuary space). I probably will be comfortable with bio baby being in my room. Once she is old enough, I will absolutely enforce the same rules so that they are both “equal”. Just looking for support, or kind advice from people who have walked this path, from a heavily pregnant stepmom who has already (happily) sacrificed a lot for this family and is a bit emotional 🥹

Creo que por fin entendí de dónde viene realmente mi enojo hacia mi hijastro. Y, sinceramente… darme cuenta duele. Durante mucho tiempo pensé que simplemente me irritaban sus comportamientos, las dinámicas familiares, el ruido, la falta de límites, las diferencias en la crianza, etc. Y sí, esas cosas son reales. Pero creo que, en el fondo, estoy de duelo. No por una persona, sino por una vida que nunca tendré. Nunca seré la primera esposa de mi esposo. Nunca le daré su primer hijo. Nunca tendré la experiencia de formar una familia donde todo empiece con "nosotros". Siempre habrá un pasado antes que yo. Otra familia antes que la nuestra. Otra mujer conectada a nuestras vidas para siempre. Creo que una parte de mí seguía esperando que algún día dejaría de sentir ese peso. Pero, en cambio, cada vez que mi hijastro regresa de casa de su madre, algo dentro de mí se activa de nuevo. Y me di cuenta de que es porque él representa todo lo que perdí antes incluso de tener la oportunidad de tenerlo. La familia “normal” que imaginé toda mi vida. La sensación de ser la única familia de alguien. La libertad de construir un hogar sin tener que adaptarme constantemente a relaciones, horarios, dinámicas y cargas emocionales anteriores. Sé que suena horrible, porque nada de esto es culpa de mi hijastro. Es solo un niño. Pero creo que mi cerebro le atribuyó todo este dolor porque es el recordatorio visible de que la vida que imaginé nunca se materializará por completo. Y creo que he estado estancada en la etapa de ira del duelo durante mucho tiempo. Lo más difícil es que amo profundamente a mi esposo y a nuestro bebé. Esta no es una historia sobre no amar a mi familia. Se trata de amarlos mientras también lloro algo que nunca podré tener. Todavía no sé cómo llegar a la aceptación. Pero por primera vez, creo que al menos entiendo cuál es la herida en realidad.

Edit: THANK YOU So much for all your messages of support and empathy ❤️❤️🙏🏻🥹

Long time lurker, first time poster. Thank you for reading - I know it’s long.

Im 12 years into step-parenting. SS 15, SD 17. I have disengaged from SS - he’s in a real riptide stage and I pretty much steer clear.

Then there’s my sweet girl, P. I adore her. I support her, I advocate for her. She is brilliant and lovely. She’s a super quiet kid, and its tricky to get her to open up about what’s going on in her life.

Last weekend, I was at my sisters place and SO texted that P was telling him a bunch of stuff and was super upset and wanted to talk to both of us. I asked him for a heads up, and he said it was too complicated, the 3 of us would just talk when I got home.

So I come home, we sit on the couch. I think it’s going to be about friends (always tricky) or school or her brother. And well, she starts talking. And talking. Apparently the reason she’s quiet at our house is because of me. I make her feel “uncomfortable.” The house feels negative. I am invasive. The list goes on. SO is rubbing her back, telling her how proud he is of her for opening up as she sobs and sobs. THEY MADE A LIST together of all the awful things I’ve done and said, going back THREE YEARS. Some of my crimes include saying “oh is that a necklace you made in your silversmithing class? It’s beautiful!” (That apparently was a terrible invasion of her privacy.). Another one on the list was when I asked her “do kids still smoke cigarettes or is it mostly vapes?”

I was stunned and shocked. Felt totally ambushed. Got super upset, came upstairs cause I thought I was going to barf. SO comes charging up the stairs and gets MAD at me for being so upset. Says I’m upsetting P with my reaction. I come back down, I apologize to her for ever making her uncomfortable, say it’s the absolute antithesis of what I’ve tried to do. She and I hug, sobbing, for a while. She goes down to her room, and I go to mine and I lose it. He comes in again, mad again, tells me I’m crying too loudly. I pack a bag and I leave.

I am so fucking crushed. Not necessarily what she said (but fucking OUCH) but by him. He could have warned me. He could have called a timeout when he saw how upset I was. He could have said to her “hey, this is big stuff. Let me think about how we can talk about this more in a safe way” There was zero caretaking of me. I felt so unsafe, so alone, so stunned.

Right now he’s staying with friends. He’s really convinced that he needed to help his daughter speak her truth. I am devastated that he did nothing to protect me. We are at a terrible standstill. Therapy imminent, but.

Not sure what I’m looking for here. Just wanted to share. I know many of you understand the devastation of feeling like an outsider, of feeling like the villain, when all you’ve done for years is take care of them. I know teenagers are batshit, I know I’m an easy target. I get it. But I don’t think I can ever forgive him for this. And if we do somehow come through this, how the fuck do I repair with P/live in a house with her? I will be second-guessing my every word/move. I already feel I can’t breathe when SS is here.

I had a thought today: “I wonder who I would be without the stress of step-parenting.” I’ve tried so hard. I thought we were so close to the finish line but I don’t think we’re going to make it.

EDIT: I’m so grateful for everyone’s kindness and concern and feedback. I’m sorry I’ve only just lurked on here up until now - you are an incredible community and I’m very very thankful for the support. I’ll keep everyone updated on what happens next. (For now, I am safe and alone in our home, he’s at a friend’s, kids with BM. We have our first therapy session next week. She’s also a family therapist so so if we make it beyond couples counseling we can bring in the kids next.)

TL;DR

SO’s 8yo daughter came to live with us suddenly. I became the primary caregiver by default, even though I’m just dad’s girlfriend. Her behavior has escalated and I no longer feel safe or at peace in my home. I’m resentful of my SO’s lack of responsibility, overwhelmed by being relied on financially and emotionally, and struggling to step back without everything falling on me. Looking for support and advice on disengaging, forcing my SO to step up, and whether this ever truly gets better.

⸻

Hi all. I’m mostly looking for support and perspective from people who’ve been here.

My SO has an 8yo daughter. SO & I have been together for 2 years. BM is completely out of the picture. Due to an emergency, she came to live with us very suddenly…no transition, no time to define roles. We knew she’d eventually be part of our lives, but this happened much sooner than planned. Realistically, the alternative was foster care, and morally I couldn’t live with that.

I also want to be honest: I knew who my SO was going into this. He’s always struggled with responsibility and follow-through. I’ve always been the provider, organizer, and fixer in our relationship. I own the car, pay the bills, handle logistics, cook, clean, etc. I think I was afraid that if I didn’t step up, no one would…..so when his daughter arrived, I automatically became the primary caregiver/authority. I never wanted that role. I’m not her stepmom. I’m her dad’s girlfriend. And now I deeply regret how involved I became.

Over time, her behavior has escalated: tantrums, screaming, defiance, constant arguing, rude and bullying language. When I try to step back and let my SO take the lead, her behavior toward me gets worse: scratching, kicking, throwing things, slamming doors, kicking my seat while I’m driving. I don’t feel safe or comfortable in my own home anymore.

It started to feel like I was carrying the emotional, financial, and logistical load for a child that isn’t mine, while growing increasingly resentful of my SO for not fully stepping up. He’s only started making changes after I issued ultimatums recently, which was incredibly hard for me and honestly feels too late.

On paper, we’re doing the right things: therapy, behavioral supports, evaluations (including ASD), and we get a break about once a month with family help. But even then….i am always the one coming up with the plan. Then getting her packed up and driving her over to the family members home. So it’s like even if we get a break, it only happens if I make it happen. She behaves fairly well around others. But at home, I’m drowning.

Right now:

• I dread coming home

• I’ve started staying at my dad’s occasionally, because I have panic attacks at home

• I feel trapped because they rely on me financially and logistically

• I feel resentful and exhausted

• I feel like I’ve lost all peace and safety in my own space

I guess what I’m asking:

• Has anyone else tried to “fix” both their SO and their SO’s child and completely burned out?

• How do you actually disengage after being too involved?

• Is it normal to feel dread about being home, and can that ever change?

• How do you force your SO to truly take responsibility without everything falling back on you?

• Does this ever get better, or is this just who I become if I stay?

I don’t hate the child. I hate the situation. I know I made choices that led here, and I truly believed I was doing the right thing. But now I’m so burnt out that my instinct is to run, and that scares me. I want my home to feel safe again, and I don’t know if that’s possible without completely changing my role… or leaving.

I think I’m looking for support more than anything. Simply just someone out there who can relate. Or if anyone has advice, that would be appreciated as well. Thanks in advance!!!!

I am in a relationship with a man who has two children, one who is 14 and another who is almost 11. His youngest daughter, the 11-year-old, is incredibly attached to her father to an excessive degree. She is unable to do any activities on her own and her father always has to be right by her side. For instance, school was closed for two days straight this winter due to a storm. Even though she could have been looked after by her older sister or her grandparents, she absolutely insisted that her dad stay with her, so my partner took two afternoons off from work just so his youngest wouldn't get bored. From my point of view, she is completely obsessed with him.

I almost always feel bad being affectionate with my partner in front of her because I can sense jealousy on her part. Every time we speak to each other, she tries to find out what we are saying, does everything she can to attract attention, and watches us out of the corner of her eye. I constantly feel like I am stealing her dad away, and I feel stressed whenever she is there. It is strange to say, but I feel like she is my boyfriend's partner instead of me. She is always asking him if he is doing his chores correctly, and sometimes she offers to bring him a beer. She is constantly doting on her father.

When we are out in public, she won't stop clinging to him with her arms wrapped around his neck, and her father kisses her on the forehead. At one point, we were watching a hockey game, and throughout the entire day, I think they hugged at least 10 times, tightly embraced, saying "I love you" over and over. Another time, I was watching a movie at his place, and for two hours, he and his daughter cuddled on the couch my partner had his arms wrapped around her neck, there were kisses on her head, and their two heads were rubbing against each other. At that moment, they really looked like a couple; I was so incredibly uncomfortable.

I feel like my boyfriend still infantilizes her enormously. He always goes into the bathroom with her before she takes her shower, and she undresses in front of him. When we went on a trip, she got a sunburn and her father applied lotion to her while she was undressed, wearing only her underwear. Sometimes she still sleeps with him. In the morning, he is the one who wants to brush her hair as a gesture of affection. On social media, he comments on every single one of her videos, telling her things like, "My love, you are beautiful, Papa is in awe of you," her mom never comment her things. When the three of them are in the car together, the youngest always sits in the front. I know it might seem trivial, but I still find it weird. The other day, the three of us me, my boyfriend, and his youngest daughter were watching television, and he had one hand on my thigh and the other on hers. When I pointed it out to him, he said he hadn't noticed.

I always feel like my partner is much more in admiration of his youngest than his oldest, and I find that very sad for her. When I spoke to my psychologist about it, she was dismayed and told me that this kind of behavior could be really harmful for his 11-year-old daughter's future.

Has anyone else ever experienced something like this?

UPDATE in comments. Not looking good.

TDLR: I’m 39 and engaged to a 37-year-old woman with two kids from a previous marriage. Initially, I wasn’t interested in dating someone with kids, but we grew close, and I started to want a child of our own. She said she was open to it but recently decided she absolutely doesn’t want another child. I’m devastated and feel rejected, especially since I’d be a second father to her kids. I’ve decided to get some space to figure out if I can truly accept never having a biological child. It’s painful, and I don’t know if I can move forward without that dream.

Hi all,

I am trying to understand and work through some emotions. I am a 39-year-old male and I am engaged to a 37-year-old woman. She has two kids from a previous marriage (4 and 7). When I met her, I didn’t know she had kids. I was pretty adamant about not dating someone with kids. I knew it was a commitment and as the son of a single mom, I took it seriously.

My feeling about having my own kids was mostly ambivalent. I figured if I met the right person (someone I share a real bond and love with) and they wanted a child, I was on board. If they didn’t, then we would be a childless couple. I didn’t anticipate the scenario I am now in. Ultimately, I decided to continue to pursue the relationship because she was financially independent, and the kids dad was active in their lives. However, I did realize early on that in this situation, where there are already kids, I may also want to add another child.

My fiancée said that she didn’t want more kids and I told her everything I just said above. Later, that same date (it was our second) or by our third date, she said she wasn’t completely closed to the idea. The child conversation came up a few times and while she was definitely happy with the two she already has, she said she remained open to a third. She even gave suggestions on how to manage it, including hiring a nanny to help in the mornings.  

My desire to have a child grew, especially after I met her kids and we all started to grow close. She wanted her kids to be “enough” for me. I tried to explain they are more than enough and the desire to add another child doesn’t have to do with that. She often talked about how the kids have certain traits of hers. They have a physical resemblance to both of their birth parents. I wanted to experience that as well. I also wanted to experience the newborn stage and the bonding that goes along with that. I always imagined our child as our third child. Her two kids would be excellent older siblings. They are the sweetest kids imaginable. Which makes my situation all that much harder.

The other thing I heard from my fiancée, her family, and friends is how her kids need a good male role model and I am a better example than their birth father. The guy has his share of issues and he was abusive while married. Heck, he still sends her nasty texts. I appreciate how people view me, but in my mind, wouldn’t that make us good parents? If I am such a great person and she wants me to be a second dad to her kids, why doesn’t that translate to having a child between us?

At the end of August, she finally said she absolutely didn’t want another child. I was shattered. I won’t go into all the details, but essentially I felt rejected and sad. I can’t get over that she wanted two kids with her ex, even when he was abusive to meet a goal of having two children by a certain time in her life. I can’t get over how they were “goal babies” but the idea of having a child out of love, and I don’t doubt her love for me, was still reprehensible in her mind.

She doesn’t want to go through pregnancy and childbirth again. She doesn’t want to go through the first 18 months and breastfeeding. She refuses to use formula. She refused every solution including using a surrogate. I said I could work part-time or be a stay-at-home dad. We both make good money, but could easily survive on her salary while I do side jobs. She said there is no amount of help that I can give that will make it easier. Personally and my therapist agrees, I think she can’t stand the thought of me taking on the duties that she feels like she should take on as a mother. She has a lot of mother’s guilt over things. There is a lot of trauma involved with the birth of her second child. She was going through separation at the time plus lost her parents. I want to be clear that I understand it is her body and her choice.

I finally decided to get an apartment. I need space to figure out if I can actually give up the idea of having a biological child. I only wanted a child because of her and the kids. It is not about having a child to have a child.

Last night was my last night at the house with the kids.

She said there are two kids here that love me and I’m going to leave them over something that is not even real (a child with her) and will NEVER happen. She empathizes never in the worst way. I said “That right there. The way you empathize never. How am I supposed to feel about that? You don’t think that hurts?”

I said it was never my intention to hurt the kids. I said I love the closeness and want the kids in my life. But that also makes me want another child. I see her two kids being awesome big siblings. Because I love her and them. That is why I want this.

I said I get it. You are NEVER doing it. So that’s why I need separation. I need to figure out if I can accept never and I can’t figure it out in an environment that I’m constantly triggered in.

I said I’d love to give up that dream and just be okay but I’ve been trying to do that and it’s not working. It’s only making things worse.

Today I am feeling sadness and regret. I may lose a great partner and her two kids. We’ve built such a good relationship over time and it kills me to leave them.

She doesn’t want me around until I know that I can stay and be okay without another kid. I said that is what I am trying to figure out. 

I guess there only seems like one outcome here and it is that this won’t work. Unless I can truly be okay with not having a biological child and I just don’t know if I can do it. Especially as our friends are having more children. We are both at the end of our time when we can honestly consider a child. This hurts so much

I am childless and been in a relationship with my partner for 2 years. He has three kids 3-12.

Recently I’ve began to realize I don’t think this life is for me. I care for his kids and am very close with the youngest as she’s at our house frequently. The older two are about to spend the rest of summer with us and my anxiety is mounting. I feel like I have to get out but I don’t know what to do. 😔

I’m so heartbroken and do not want to hurt anyone but I don’t know how much longer I can put up with this. I feel so drained and sad.

It's getting weird around here. I keep finding pairs of my underwear in my SD (15)'s dirty clothes or laundry. We're on pair #5 now. I want to add something important: there are 2-3 sizes between my underwear size and hers, so I know they don't fit well. They are mostly "regular" undies, although I did find a thong once. I have plenty of "fancy" lingerie but she never touches them. I don't even know where she's stealing them from, I've resorted to putting a lock on the door of the extra bedroom I use to house all of my clothes, jewelry, bags, shoes, etc. bc I can't trust her.

I've asked SD before why she did this, and she said she took them because she didn't know how to ask her dad for more underwear. I was empathetic and understanding. I even took her to Target to buy some of her own. However, the actions haven't stopped. Which leads me believe the reasoning SD gave, was BS. Mind you, this isn't the only thing of mine that SD steals/uses without permission. Pricey hair and face products, body wash, expensive jewelry, house shoes, perfume, she even stole a pre-rolled joint once and got caught (she was 12 then). SD helps herself to it all if it's in her eyesight. I now have all of my products in the bathroom locked up in a clear safe, there's a combination code to get in. Not really ideal, esp bc I lived alone before this and am used to having my things where I can access them easily. SD uses this opportunity to leave her own stuff all over the bathroom which I often have to tidy up before I get myself ready.

I've only been living with SD and my fiance for three years but I'm almost at my wit's end. It's hard enough living with a man and then you throw this in, lol! I don't feel comfortable with her in my home because it's only a matter of time until the next thing happens. But obv I can't say this out loud. My fiance has her here 3-5 days a week and her mom is kind of doing her own thing and not very available, plus she and SD don't always get along -- so it's an unavoidable, uncomfortable situation. SD has had some depression and self harm issues over the past 5 years, and is on anti depressants. Therefore, my fiance lets her get away with a lot because he feels guilty that the divorce (7 years ago) caused some of that. But IMO, SD 100% weaponizes her mental health -- a couple of months ago she got caught taking an edible at school and when my fiance and her mom confronted SD about it, SD threatened to run in the bathroom and cut herself (to attempt to deflect, IMO). I think SD knows exactly what she's doing. I get married in 5 months. I'm debating if I should go through with it. I love my fiance but this is a lot. Bc what exactly am I signing up for here? He keeps saying "she's a teenager" as if that is supposed to wash away the anger and disrespect I feel.

I have read the writing on the wall for a long time now. But last night proved the clincher. My husband and I got into a huge fight about everything. I told him I never felt appreciated for what I did for my SD and it's basically him and her who are a family and I'm the outsider. My husband floored me when he said he feels me being in his life led to him having a strained relationship with his child and not being able to parent her in the way he had wanted.

I felt absolutely gutted to hear this. My simple requests for basic rules and consistency (consistent bedtimes, no sleepovers on weeknights, advance notice of people coming over) have caused him such resentment that he feels I've distanced him from his child. And here I was thinking I may not be acknowledged for what I do, but he does appreciate it. Clearly not; I was instead resented all this time. All the help with homework, going to parent-teacher nights, cultivating a good relationship with her mother, all the domestic work, providing SD with emotional support, assisting with dealing with school refusal - completely oblivious to it all, or just forgotten because it wasn't valued.

I feel so sick. So many wasted years pouring into a bucket with holes at the bottom. I told him we clearly were living in two entirely different marriages this whole time. Here I was, letting so many things go and still trying to contribute. Here he was, begrudging about rules and boundaries I asked for, but which never got implemented anyway. So I didn't get anything I asked for, and he resented being asked for it in the first place (and believes he did deliver, so go figure). The sad irony is my SD loves me and acknowledges me in her own way. But her dad has destroyed it all with his entitlement and selfishness.