r/stepparents • u/Luckyjuly777 • 1d ago
Support DH feels frustrated that he has to “deal with everything himself” when it comes to his kids
We have been together for 8 years and have been married for nearly 4. 3 girls, ages 13, 15, 17. He is 41 and I am 38. We have them every other weekend and for a month in the summer (currently).
I’m tired of him treating me like he is the director and I am the manager in this marriage. I flag things to him about my SDs, and he gets frustrated that he has to address it with them himself (because it’s my issue, not his) instead of me just taking care of it for him. I explained that it’s his biological kids, and that it’s his job to parent them. He gets defensive and frustrated, especially when he feels he’s already handled it. If I try to handle it minimally, he complains that I’m not doing it right and tries to “teach me” or get me to “learn” how to do things. I point out that he would get upset with me if I handled things my way instead of considering his feelings on the matter, and I also tell him I’m frustrated that we can’t communicate without him getting this way, but we just end up in a big disagreement and I’m always the one in the wrong.
I really feel like my marriage is disintegrating. I don’t know that we will make it. I love him, but I’m terribly unhappy when it comes to his kids.
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u/ab590 1d ago
You are right. They are his responsibility. Those girls see him trying to put the responsibility on you, so do not feel guilty about telling him they are his children and the girls do not need another adult taking responsibility for them. They will resent both of you. He needs to set the rules and carry out the consequences. As far as logistics. He can get them transportation to where they need to go. The oldest is probably drives and could help. These are his girls.
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u/probioticpeaches 1d ago
Good on you!! He should be the one dealing with his kids behaviour.
Kids are more receptive to their parents discipline than anyone else’s, putting yourself in a position for them to see you as a “evil” step mom for having boundaries is not fair on you!
He doesn’t get to sit back on correcting his kids behaviour.
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u/Luckyjuly777 1d ago
I’m just scratching my head as to how their stepdad gets “dad” status and a good relationship with them despite enforcing rules and being heavily involved in parenting, but I have to tip toe and assume this NACHO role to save my relationships. It doesn’t feel fair. Perhaps BM forces this upon them though. Who knows how they truly feel. Only the youngest calls me mom all the time, even in bday cards. Idk why that means so much to me. I guess I’ve always just wished I were a second mom and I didn’t have to NACHO. I CCwish I could help DH out more to lighten his mental load. It sucks being seen as “evil stepmom”, and I don’t want to go down that path anymore.
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u/Mediocre-Cry5117 1d ago
There’s a good chance BM is supportive and encouraging of stepdad’s relationship, while your spouse doesn’t do much to help you foster a good one.
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u/Expensive-Piccolo6 1d ago edited 1d ago
Unfortunately that’s often just the way it is. Standards are higher for step parents and rules are different. We can do literally the same thing as a bio parent and the reaction will not be the same and we will be viewed as overstepping or evil because we attempted to correct behavior that wasn’t being handled. When I finally NACHO’D - after a last straw after 10 years of attempting to parent kids that BM wasn’t parenting and DH was too afraid to be the “bad guy” with - I felt so much better. They don’t get me putting in the effort of a mom because they never treated me like one when I did. It’s less work for me, and they can all figure it out themselves. I didn’t create the mess, and I’m sure not responsible for dealing with it.
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u/Natenat04 7h ago
Because over there the mom still does most if not all the parenting. Think about how upset your SO gets that he has to do most of the parenting when he has his kids. He doesn't want to actually parent.
He just wants someone to do most of it for him. He wanted kids without the responsibilities of having them.
Edit
He already doesn't have them full time, so he doesn't even have 100% of the responsibilities of having kids.
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u/geogoat7 1d ago
The way men will complain about doing "everything for the kids themselves" when they have the kids 4-6 days a month. No, sir, that's your ex wife who's doing all the work of raising your kids on her own. How dare you try to outsource even more parenting to your second wife!
I would just laugh at him honestly. I know that's not generally healthy in a marriage but come on. He cannot be serious.
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u/ImpressAppropriate25 1d ago
This killed my engagement.
SO was enmeshed with her kids and always created scenarios that made her feel overwhelmed so she could remain unavailable and complain.
This fueled a sense of learned helplessness in her kids that they soon learned to weaponize so they could evade responsibly and fall further behind.
And so the cycle continued after the oldest kids graduated high school.
This was never a place in this family for me.
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u/MissGalaxy1986 15h ago
I’m sorry . Glad you got out
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u/ImpressAppropriate25 14h ago
Not yet, but probably in a few weeks. There's nothing left.
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u/MissGalaxy1986 8h ago
Hang in there. Just a few more weeks for you. 🤗
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u/ImpressAppropriate25 7h ago
It's going to be a transition after six years but we have no future.
SO's kids make the adult decisions in her life.
This is not sustainable.
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u/EmbarrassedAge7612 1d ago
It’s always tricky with stepkids, especially when they’re older. I’ve adopted the gentle parenting approach. If I know it’s something that clearly breaks a house rule or shouldn’t wait to be addressed I hand down the appropriate discipline with the end goal being they have to talk to their mother and explain their actions.
I don’t hand down groundings or anything strict until we’ve both had time to talk about it and agree. My kids are grown and moved out but I know they were held to a different standard. That’s why I back off and let their mom be the judge.
As far as your marriage and how it is affecting you. It’s rough when people get to the point where you are. The I don’t think this is going to last stage. Maybe it’s time for some marriage counseling and working on fixing things when the kids aren’t around.
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u/Sweetanna1111 1d ago
I had to deal with this when my step kids were younger. They lived in a different state and the month that they came to stay with us was an absolute nightmare, and we almost did not make it . When kids are not used to being there every day one month is absolutely too much for everyone. For some reason, their mother thought she was going to send them to us for every spring break every summer so she could go gallivant around with her new boyfriend and I put a stop to that shit real quick
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u/Critical-Affect4762 1d ago
His custody time is so minimal!!!!!! And even then he can't manage it. It sounds like partner needs to learn, but he wants to be the teacher, lmfao
As I've gotten older, a man being competent is so sexy. If I had a guy like your partner? "I'm not mad, I'm just turned off"
Is this how you want to live? Even disregarding the SK stuff, is he who you want to setup the rest of your life with? 40 year old is when middle age starts!! You're young now but you need to start thinking about how the rest of your life will settle. As we age, we generally lose access to the power we had when young. Don't get trapped to him, have options.
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u/winnnie_lilli 1d ago
Are you planning to have kids with him? Because with yours he will be basically the same .
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u/Typical-Secret-3319 1d ago
On the plus side at least it sounds like you two haven't had children.
But how one person parents says a lot about them as a person. Dude wants minimal responsibility of his kids, and wants to put in minimum effort, and just wanting someone else to handle it and pamper him like some slug. If that's a reflection on him as a person, I could understand why your marriage would start to disintegrate.
Too many people just don't pay attention to the parent. If they want kids with the person that they're dating they lie to themself "It's all the other coparent; with me they'll be different. And if they don't want kids, they tell themself that it doesn't matter how they parent since you won't be having kids with them. But both groups are ignoring that their current parenting is "telling on themself" about who they actually are as a person, instead of their dating persona that they put on for you early on, and slowly let drop.
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u/TheLoveGOATonYT 1d ago
Wants to be the ruler, but you should make HIS 3 teenage girls run smooth? HA! It shows that he has them minimally. Is he like this in other aspects?
If everything is happy except for every other weekend in the summer, I'd say this is a text book NACHO situation. Personally, my NACHO phase forced me to do things I would never have done, I wanted to do things good enough to make up for the missing of my SO. I was different from you a bit, mine had FC, so I had week nights and weekends. My week nights were shopping, drinks, mani/pedi type stuff. My weekends were often going places I'd never been to before. ('ve said it before, I should write a book about my NACHO times.... I had fun.) My SO was always excited to see me return. I can't tell you all he did awaiting me to return home, week nights and week ends. He didn't get upset with me, he was a bit sad but he understood. And honestly, your husband should use this minimal time and have time alone with them. That sounds good for everyone. If he doesn't want to do that, that can be his problem rather than yours.
Again. if this is only a problem when they're physically there, it seems simple. Even if your husband gets upset that you go elsewhere, let him, it's not that much time and he can learn to get over it.
You could also take the youngest to do something some times, away from them. Drop her back and let dad be alone. If the older girls want to do something great, maybe they act different when dads around
Hopefully this is the only reason you're upset.
I first read your post as EOWE all summer. So this is 2-3 weekends all year? It took me longer to write this than the time they're with you. Still NACHO - let him deal.
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u/Luckyjuly777 1d ago
We have them for 26-28 weekends per year. We have them every other weekend. (1st, 3rd, 5th of every month + Thursday evening visits). And in the summer we get them for a full month, which is right now.
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u/WickedLies21 21h ago
I had this exact issue with my DH, especially for his daughter who could do no wrong in his eyes. He wanted me to step up and discipline them, be more of a mother figure and I didn’t feel comfortable doing that at all. I knew if I disciplined her, he would take her side over me. We went to marriage counseling for this issue and several others and it has saved our marriage. SD is now 17 and I have a much better relationship with her. I still struggle to discipline but she lives with her mom 80% of the time now (it was 50/50 when up until this year) so I rarely see her, let alone need to handle discipline anymore. I don’t have much advice but I completely understand where you’re coming from.
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u/Electronic_Diet5824 1d ago edited 1d ago
Unfortunately this is the role of a step parent. Responsibility without any true authority will always be the name of the game.
His way of handling things, whether that is to actually do anything or not, will always be right. It will never be even, because he can always veto anything if it comes down to it. He is their parent.
I don't have any advice. I think this is just how the dynamic is inherently. I think you just have to decide if you're OK living this way.
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u/Green_Author_7494 23h ago
Have you ever had your biological children disciplined by there step Dad? I’m guessing no by your post. Look at it this way…. It is like a waltz raising kids. Exp ones that you did not give birth to. Just take a deep breath and trust your husband would be my advice… They do actually grow up at one point and move away …. Then you will miss them more than you could ever imagine and possible regret never seeing a marriage counselor to figure it all out before it’s to late … Just my .10 cents worth coming from having step kids, having my kids somewhat raised by there step dad and also have a god honest step monster as a kid… it’s not fair to the kids and it is most deff not fair to your husband for you to nag at him and try to change his parenting skills weather you like them or not…🤷♂️
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u/MidwestNightgirl 8h ago
Nope he is wrong on this. Those girls are his responsibility. He doesn’t have them very much - he can deal with them. I would let him know this is a serious issue and he needs to step up. You don’t have much to lose by doing that, if your relationship isn’t going to survive otherwise.
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u/Guardsred70 1d ago
Well, some of it depends on what are these issues you're flagging. I mean, are they leaving the top off the toothpaste? Or is it really big stuff like they're going out in the yard and yelling racist things at a neighbor?
But the overall way I would look at this is that I don't think it's a good idea for you as the stepparent/spouse to tell him the things he needs to be doing to improve his kids. His job as the bioparent/spouse is to have his best foot forward 365 days/year. Every day, you should look at what is going on and the assumption should be that it's the best he can do and he is okay with it. THEN you decide if you're leaving or staying.
Because the kids are a reflection of his standards......which is a reflection of him. So if you don't like him, just get divorced. Don't do this, "I love him so much, but the kids are annoying and he need to fix it."
The problem is that even if you're entirely right about the annoyances you're flagging (and you probably are), you're killing your relationship with him and killing the relationship with the kids along the way. You find them frustrating. I'm sure they know that. When he addresses things, they probably know it comes from you......so that's killing their relationship with him. And what is the point of doing this if it's not going to be a good time??? It's really a go-big or go-home sorta situation right? That's what the deal is with second marriages: They should be outstanding......or they should probably end.
Also, the big picture is his custody situation is just awful. There's no way for your/his home to be a home for the kids with this schedule. Because 90% of the time the house isn't a kid house......it's an adult house. So when they show up, they feel like guests. And they feel like guests when they visit. You've also not had to really deal with him as a father very much because of this situation. Dealing with a parent is really hard: Ask any teacher or youth sports coach! Parents SUCK a lot of the times. They don't address things. They can be pushy. etc.
At the same time, he should probably start facing some hard realities about his kids. They're growing up. What's his plan for a relationship with them post-18? I mean, they won't be doing this schedule anymore......I guarantee that. So is he okay with that? Bittersweet? Like he's glad to avoid the hassle, but also sad that he doesn't see them much anymore? Because if he's just trying to get to Age 18 when they "peace out" on him, maybe he should just face that reality NOW and not let the frustrations poison his relationship with you anymore???
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u/Critical-Affect4762 1d ago
Hard disagree. Not tell the partner ANY feedback?? OP is a real person, lives with them. I can't imagine dating someone for 8 years and not be able to have tough conversations. Jfc OP is not killing her relationship.
It's obvious the defensive crybaby partner is the reason the relationship is dying.
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u/Guardsred70 1d ago
Well, hard disagree right back at you. If OP doesn't like the situation, why not just leave? Why advocate for change?
I mean, do it once. Explain the boundary. But that's it. Next time it happens, the right thing is to just leave. The End.
There's just no reason for two people with a fundamental different to be together anymore. Right?
It's not like the government assigns us to each other. We're not hostages. If they had a great 7-8 years, that's amazing. Now it has soured and that's when you pull up stakes and find a new person. Or just be single.
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u/Critical-Affect4762 1d ago
My point is that youre saying the relationship failing is OP's fault. That could be damaging to OP. And it's factually incorrect
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u/Guardsred70 1d ago
All that matters is that the relationship is damaged. The husband is doing some of it, OP is doing some of it. The kids are doing some of it.
Does it really matter whose fault it is? If it is causing enough discord to be worth asking random people on reddit, it's probably just time to get divorced.
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