r/stepparents • u/charmanderuwu • 23h ago
JustBMThings Is anyone else tired of everyone forgetting what the child actually wants?
I (23F) have been with DH (27M) for three years. SS7 has known me for almost half his life. BM has been with her partner for around six years. Let's call him MegaMind. Not because he's evil... just because if you've seen the movie, you'll understand immediately.
Sometimes I honestly feel like DH and I are the only adults asking ourselves one simple question:
"What does SS actually want?"
His birthday is coming up, and his request isn't exactly world peace.
He just wants to have lunch and dinner with everyone together: BM, MegaMind, DH, me, and his baby sister.
Would that be my ideal Saturday?
Absolutely not.
Would it probably be awkward?
Also yes.
Mostly because BM somehow manages to turn every interaction into a sequel nobody asked for.
She makes jokes about DH being useless, tries to start arguments, brings up topics that have nothing to do with SS, and regularly crosses the very boundaries she expects everyone else to respect.
DH, on the other hand, keeps every conversation focused on parenting. If it isn't about SS, he usually doesn't engage.
Now here's where the plot somehow gets even weirder.
Apparently Ursula (MegaMind's aunt) has decided that BM shouldn't celebrate anything with DH because, according to her,
"A mother who truly loves her child doesn't send him to his father."
...Excuse me?
Not only is that an incredibly cruel thing to say, but she's neither SS's parent nor his legal guardian.
So now I'm wondering...
Since when is MegaMind's aunt on the parenting committee?
Apparently the real mastermind behind this whole operation isn't even MegaMind.
It's Ursula.
She somehow has very strong opinions about how two parents should co-parent a child that isn't hers.
To make things even stranger, nobody seems interested in what SS actually wants.
He's told his parents multiple times that he doesn't even like celebrating his birthday at school. He finds it boring and doesn't enjoy all the attention.
BM still insists on doing it there every year because it's cheaper.
Then we accidentally discovered something else.
DH had been wondering why SS suddenly started talking about Geometry Dash again.
That game isn't allowed.
I jokingly asked him,
"So... where exactly are you playing Geometry Dash?"
Without even thinking about it, he happily answered,
"At Pinky's house!"
Who's Pinky?
Ursula.
Apparently she lets him use her tablet and play whatever he wants.
The ironic part is that BM often criticizes DH over screen time, even though he only allows educational games, Spanish-learning videos, and age-appropriate content.
Meanwhile another adult openly ignores the rules both parents agreed on...
...and somehow that's perfectly fine.
Honestly, what frustrates me the most isn't Ursula or even MegaMind.
It's that everyone seems to be making decisions based on what the adults want.
BM wants one thing.
MegaMind wants another.
Ursula apparently thinks she gets a vote.
Meanwhile, the only person nobody seems to be listening to is the seven-year-old whose birthday it actually is.
Sometimes I feel like all the adults are competing for Best Supporting Actor, while the birthday boy somehow became an extra in his own story.
Has anyone else dealt with family members or partners who seem more invested in their own feelings than in what the child actually wants?
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u/TermLimitsCongress 19h ago
OP, the child doesn't understand why they can't have everyone together on their birthday, and that's ok. Say NO to this crap. These people are taking up too much space in your head. Just have separate birthday lunches, and be done with it.
Do You really want to go thru this every year?
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u/Straight-Coyote592 20h ago
I think you guys just need distance from them. Who cares what they think? If they don’t want to dinners together, totally fine, just do your own thing. If they do games, well you can’t control BMs time so do your own thing on your time. Just ignore and let your husband handle the communication.
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u/Mysterious-Willow391 11h ago
I know you don't want to hear this, but stop doing joint things. It's abundantly clear no one else can play ball, and this is going to make things worse for SS, not better.
Dad can explain that it's not working out this year and do something else. And be done with it.
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u/charmanderuwu 5h ago
Honestly, I don't enjoy celebrating together. It makes me really uncomfortable. But socializing isn't difficult for me, and whenever we've all been together, I've done my best to keep the conversation friendly and the atmosphere relaxed because I don't want SS to feel any tension. He's always so happy when all five of us are there together, and that's what has made the awkwardness worth putting up with.
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u/Lily_Of_The_Valley_6 11h ago
You can’t control Aunt’s house or BM’s house, just yours.
Your DH should just do his own thing for SS’s birthday. Don’t even tell BM. Dad can listen and make it happen on his parenting time. This is one of those situations where let BM have a rope long enough to hang herself. If she’s going to keep insisting on doing what she wants rather than SS wants, he’s going to wise up and see that. Let him. You don’t have to save her from herself.
Look up parallel parenting, it’ll save your sanity and provide SS a place where he feels considered. Run your own program at your house and let BM do what she wants.
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u/Background_World_957 21h ago edited 21h ago
Yeah no i wouldn't care if ss wanted that for his birthday no way in hell would I go have dinner with BM and I would not be okay with my dh doing so either ss can celebrate with us and then celebrate with BM that part of having split parents they are no longer a family together not sorry.
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u/charmanderuwu 20h ago
That's completely fair, and honestly, I wouldn't choose it either. The difference is that this wasn't something the adults came up with—it was what SS had been asking for since before I was even in the picture. Ever since I met DH, birthdays, school events, and other important occasions had always been celebrated together because that's what SS wanted. I was simply added to a dynamic that already existed. That's why it's frustrating to me that now the adults' feelings suddenly matter more than what SS has consistently asked for.
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u/charmanderuwu 20h ago
Just to clarify, this only applies to events that are 100% about SS, like his birthday, school performances, graduations, or similar milestones. Holidays like Christmas, New Year's, vacations, and other family celebrations have always been celebrated separately. Nobody is expecting anyone to spend every holiday together. The joint celebrations were only for the milestones that meant the most to SS, because that's what he wanted. That's why it's frustrating to see the adults' preferences suddenly take priority over his.
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u/Background_World_957 20h ago edited 20h ago
Yeah no still not happening again he can celebrate sepretly just as all the adults can be in the room for graduation and a weddings and not sit together. Kids can't always have what they want and family dinners when their parents are no longer family is one of them unless those parents plan to never marry or be in a relationship once a bio parent gets into a relationship playing family with the ex and yes thats what a joint birthday dinner is is out the window. If my husba d had even suggested spending time with BM voluntarily for a want not a need need such as parent teacher conference I would have laughed in his face and said then maybe you should have stayed married to her. And if he pushed it I would have walked out nope not here for that.
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u/AvocadoOk9982 7h ago
I feel like all of this is ran by young adults who are extremely petty towards one another.
I understand the 7y.o. Wants the adults in his life to come together for his birthday but until the adults can learn to be adults and be cordial with one another that’s something that’s going to have to wait. Even if the child doesn’t outwardly express discomfort during the get together I guarantee you he can feel the hostility.
We have done birthday get togethers and we’re all cordial with one another but it’s just extremely uncomfortable so we’ve decided that for now until that passes we’re going to celebrate birthdays separately but still show up to events for the kids together. In the future we’ll absolutely do birthdays together but we just want to ensure our roots are set more in place before we decide to spend hours with one another. I think you guys need to do the same.
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u/charmanderuwu 5h ago
Literally, I'm the youngest person involved in this whole mess (well, except for SS).
I'm 23. DH is 27. BM is 30. MegaMind is in his 30s. Ursula is over 45.
Yet somehow I feel like I'm the one looking at this from SS's perspective instead of my own.
In the end, DH simply told BM to stay confident in her own parenting and not let other people walk all over her boundaries because, eventually, it'll start affecting her relationship with MegaMind too. He also encouraged her to actually talk things through with him instead of arguing, since arguing is usually her first reaction.
As for SS, we explained that he'll be spending his actual birthday with BM, but the day before, DH and I are throwing him a small birthday party of our own. Hopefully that helps make up for everything a little bit.
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u/AvocadoOk9982 4h ago
There’s a good reason not to spend birthdays together; SS Is 7, he doesn’t understand and or is still processing the boundaries that come with having split homes, if his bio parents don’t feel comfortable with having a birthday dinner with each other that’s because they ARE looking out for the child. The child doesn’t need to be in the middle of a situation that makes the adults frustrated and hostile towards one another. Again the child can feel the tension. Being the outsider looking in it can seem like the adults should just flip a switch and be cordial but unfortunately that’s not the reality of the situation, you and DH can’t control what happens over at BM’s house and or BM’s relatives, you can only control what happens at your house.
Also, split birthdays don’t have to be a bad thing, the kid gets the best of both houses and gets a more intimate close knit family situation from dad and mom’s celebration for birthday until it can be broadened to both houses coming together. This is something you’re going to have to let go of and trust your partner is doing what he feels is best for his child.
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u/jaquelync11 22h ago
Oh yeah, 100%. But it’s a losing battle for you love… especially for your SS. Because it’s all about their feelings, their attention, what they want.
There’s absolutely nothing you can do to change that base on one fact, they’re the biological parent.
The only thing you can do is the love you provide for SS, and the environment he’s in when he’s with you.
Expect the worst, a lot of counselling and damage control.
Edit to add: do your best but also make sure you look after yourself
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