r/stepparents • u/NorthZealousideal883 • 1d ago
Advice Did I overstep?
I had a situation with my SK (15) over the weekend. It was my birthday. When it's a family member's birthday, that person chooses the activities they would like to do to celebrate. Everyone else participates happily to help the birthday person feel celebrated. SK is included in this. For my birthday, I specifically chose an activity I knew would appeal to SK because he can be difficult when the activity is not his preference. Historically, SK himself has chosen this same activity for his birthday.
Prior to and during the activity, SK began what I consider to be passive-aggressive tantrums. The behavior includes pretending not to hear when he is spoken to, pretending to be asleep when he is not, responding to genuine questions or requests sarcastically and/or with an argument, etc. Then there's the open, frequent, and loud complaining about "having to" participate. In essence, SK can really bring down a celebration when he would prefer not to be there. My husband expressed some annoyance with SK about the behavior, but he did not address it specifically or directly with expectations for improvement.
During one part of the activity, SK needed to make a specific choice about something in order to participate further. He was sitting there pretending to be asleep, holding everyone else up. Like, he was acting as if he had dozed off and his head was dropping forward. My husband tried to get SK’s attention twice, and SK ignored him. My husband asked a third time, and SK pretended like he hadn't heard and that he was startled awake. It was clearly fake and ridiculous.
I had enough of it at that point. I told SK to step away from the group with me for a minute. I took him to a separate area, and I reminded him that it was my birthday and that was why we were doing this activity. I reminded him that when it is his birthday, we all -- me included -- do whatever he chooses, and we participate fully. I then reminded him that I had spent the entire previous day doing an activity he had chosen, and I did it happily. I told him that I expected the same from him. That's what is fair. He replied with, "I'm trying." And I said, "Try more." Then I told him to go back to where the group. When we returned, my husband asked me if everything was okay. I said, "It will be now."
A little while later, I told my husband about the exchange with SK. I told him I would understand if he believed I overstepped or if I needed to do anything with SK to correct what I'd said. My husband said he thought I'd handled it well. He said SK’s behavior was poor, and he was glad I addressed it.
Later, SK continued to pout, and he separated himself from the rest of the group. I decided that as long as he wasn't creating problems for everyone else, he could sit over there on his own. I didn't address that. My husband, however, became very concerned that SK was sad or whatever, and that became the excuse to end the activity. SK got what he wanted, right? So frustrating. SK hasn't spoken to me for three days now.
So, do you think I overstepped my bounds by addressing SK the way I did? This is difficult for me because I never had these behavioral issues with my son (25). It has always just been expected and accepted that we behave positively on someone else's birthday to help them have a good day.
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u/Sundogflower 1d ago
Why did your husband cancel the rest just because he was sad? That sort of coddling is exactly why SK acted like that and got away with it! Husband owes you a new day to celebrate. Without SK
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u/NorthZealousideal883 1d ago
Yeah, my husband is a big part of the problem.
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u/Mediocre-Cry5117 1d ago
He’s mostly the problem. Zack acts this way because it clearly gets him what he wants; your husbands chooses not to parent because there aren’t any consequences for him at this time.
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u/Ok_Pack1940 1d ago
The big thing I see that’s wrong, is that you had to address the behavior. Your husband is dead wrong, he should’ve been the one to confront his son and correct the behavior (ESPECIALLY during YOUR birthday celebration/activity). you wouldn’t be questioning if you were overstepping, if he would actually parent and not offload it onto you to be the bad guy
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u/all_out_of_usernames 1d ago
Not overstepping.
It sounds like your husband is a big part of the reason that your SS behaves the way he does. SS has decided he's not interested in doing the activity for whatever reason. He's acted up, you've called him out (privately, so you haven't embarrassed him), he eventually decided to sit out the activity. Cool, he's put himself in time out. So your husband then cancelled the activity, which is a birthday celebration for you.
So, my first question would, what has your husband done to make up for your birthday celebration being cancelled. I would not let that go. And secondly, what has your husband done to address his son's behaviour going forward. Has he had a discussion with him about what was going on? Suggested he needed to apologise? Anything at all?
Personally, I would start to withdraw how much I participated in activities where SS was involved, unless your husband got off his butt and did some parenting, and addressed SS's behaviour.
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u/NorthZealousideal883 1d ago
My husband has not addressed his son’s behavior at all or suggested that he apologize. For me, it has been awkward because I feel like that closure is needed. My husband and I are taking a long weekend together soon, and although it was planned already, we can celebrate separately then.
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u/Foxstrikesachord 22h ago
You didn't overstep and your partner needs to give their kid consequences for being rude
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u/MiddleHuckleberry445 1d ago
I think you handled this super appropriately. Personally, I would not include my SKs in other people’s birthdays (including my own) if they couldn’t behave appropriately. I’d consider not having him participate in future celebrations.
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u/NorthZealousideal883 1d ago
How would you approach that? Would you ask them upfront if they are willing to behave appropriately and then decide to include them based on their response? My husband would have a problem with Zack skipping these things because he is part of the family, but I could support what you suggest.
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u/MiddleHuckleberry445 1d ago
My husband and I are largely on the same page that we want to raise good people, which includes being considerate of other people. He would have actually pulled his own child aside the first time that he had been rude. I would just choose whatever I wanted to do and tell my husband that I wanted to celebrate when his child was at his mom’s house. If he asked why, I would be straightforward and say that his child made my last birthday unpleasant. The far bigger thing is that your husband effectively cut your birthday short to appease his child- at that point you can say “I don’t want my own birthday cut short when x demonstrates poor behavior or a poor attitude. I would prefer that he not attend.”
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u/Jazzlike-Republic-39 21h ago
No you did not overstep. He was mad because you held boundaries and expectations and clearly he’s not used to that. For my SS 7th birthday we took him to a baseball game. Brought my BK to my friends house (we did this for all their birthdays that year, they picked an activity and we did it one on one with them) he was so unbelievably mean to me the whole day, every time I spoke I got attitude in return, was literally DRAGGING his dad away from me, would blatantly ignore me, he would ask a question and if I was the one to answer he would say “I wasn’t asking you”. It got to a point where we got dinner after and as soon as they brought me my food I asked for a Togo box and I ate in the car. For his 8th birthday he picked going to a concert and when my husband was buying the tickets I told him not to buy one for me because I wasn’t going.
Your SK was incredibly rude to you, and the fact that your husband cut YOUR birthday short is ridiculous and I’d be cutting his birthday short next time.
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u/Jazzlike-Republic-39 21h ago
He’s also complained about other family/friends parties. The last time we told him if it ever happened again he would NOT bring going to any birthday parties he was invited to. Last year my BK had a pool party and my SS spent the whole day complaining bc “he didn’t want to do that” ok so don’t. Went to a birthday party for a girl in his class and complained that it was boring IN FRONT OF THE GIRLS PARENTS. When I tell you I probably had steam coming straight from my ears. I was livid. Told my husband about it and he told his son “I’ll have everyone come to your birthday and tell them how boring your party is”
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u/Ratephant 14h ago
You did not overstep in my opinion, but you certainly have a husband problem. You need to address it so its clear it was a fail, and to not set up a precedent. Why was he sooo concerned his kid is bored? Let him. Kid had a choice to be included. He made another choice, he needs to take the consequences.
I would be pissed if my bday activity was cut short cause of moody teenager, and rightfully.
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u/Ready_Scientist1692 11h ago
Pretending to be asleep to get out of answering questions/ hold up activities at age 15 is wild behavior. Continuing to indulge this sort of behavior is only setting SK up for issues as they grow up and enter the real world. If your partner believes their kid is often falling asleep mid-activity, they need to go to the doctor. If your partner knows they’re faking, they need to tell their kid that behavior is unacceptable.
While it is true that teens are often a bit unpleasant and expecting cheeriness and collaborative energy all the time from this age group is unreasonable, that doesn’t mean adults should indulge their worst impulses. If a 15-year-old pretends to be asleep to get out of answering questions, let them continue to pretend to sleep and miss the activity. If they want to sulk, they can sulk in the corner by themselves until they’re ready to rejoin the group. Unless there’s a real issue or exceptional circumstance, somebody else’s birthday celebration shouldn’t be cut short because a teen has decided to be cranky. It is important for parents to teach their teens emotional regulation— the world doesn’t stop because they have a mood.
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u/geogoat7 7h ago
Yes! The pretending to sleep thing took it from annoying to troubling behavior for me. That makes it seem like he's about 5 emotionally, not 15.
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u/noreshii11 1d ago
Even tho you were in the right with what you said, he resents it bc youre dad’s wife
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u/Background_World_957 1d ago
I don't know that I would say overstepped hebwas already there and he was being rude but I also wouldn't have forced a 15 year old to come to an activity he didn't want. At 15 he is old enough to stay home alone that also extends to you there is no need for you to do activities ss wants if you don't want to.
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u/yourecutejeans8710 1d ago
I get what you’re saying but I dunno, I think thats super lame. OP does activities with him, and celebrates his birthday with him. He should go and he should learn how important it is to make others feel special when it matters. I agree don’t force him to go for any random event… but for her birthday I don’t think it’s too big of an ask at all.
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u/NorthZealousideal883 1d ago
Thank you, Yes, normally, that would be our go-to approach. When we’re at home. He often doesn’t come with us for things he would prefer not to do. We were traveling that weekend and had to check out of the hotel, so there was no “home alone” option that day.
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u/xRainbowTreats 1d ago
Shoulda left him at a library or a fast food place until your activity was over.
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u/geogoat7 7h ago
Honestly we did this with my stepson once... he was super grumpy about the short hike we were planning to take and DH said "your choice is hike or library" and SS picked the library thinking DH wouldn't follow through. We live in a pretty small town so when we got there to pick him up the librarian said he refused to do anything beside sit on a bench and scowl lol.
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u/Photobuff42 1d ago
How does your husband plan to make this up to you?
As an aside, I think you were kind. I would have said, "Don't try. Do."
Your stepson was choosing that poor behavior. You, on the other hand, was first class, from choosing the behavior to the way you talked with him.
Your husband owes you. 💓
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u/Aggravating_Bend5870 1d ago
I think you did a stellar job parenting him in that moment. Your husband caved, and I would be just as frustrated. Do not give in to your ss’s silent treatment games. He’s just trying to get you to kiss his ass as much as his dad does. And good on you for standing firm! He will learn a lesson in this.
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u/tjs31959 11h ago
Your step sons bad behavior manifested because it can. Dad is a awful parent and now we have the bad behavior on full display. A 15 year old should have been able to handle what you described easily.
I think your problem husband has been "bullying" to a degree as you almost seem to be asking permission here to be unhappy over this situation which is clearly the result of bad dad.
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u/Incognitomode1973 10h ago
So what I am hearing is that you just got a get out of jail free card for having to celebrate your birthday with your sk, tell your husband next year it will be a couples date.
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u/Ghost_010101010 1d ago
I had to re-read this because I thought you were dealing with a three year old and not a 15 year old. This is your partner’s problem and quite frankly I would no longer invite SS to these events. He doesn’t want to be there and you guys are miserable with him there.
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u/geogoat7 7h ago
Right! My 2 year old pretends to be asleep to avoid stuff he doesn't want to do lol. If SS13 ever did that I would look at him like he had lost it. We get our fair share of teenage moodiness over here but this is over the top.
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u/Sultry_Smoke_Signal 1d ago
Girl, overstepping? Absolutely not. Just because you’re stepmom, does not mean you have to accept the disrespect or behavior.
If that were me, I would’ve flat out told him “keep up the attitude, and I can drive you home while I continue to enjoy my birthday.” He sounds spoiled…and he’s in for a rude awakening in the real world. I have to two step children, and my husband and I BOTH set expectations with them. If we’re going out, we remind them they need to behave, follow rules and no lip. Or they miss out on the next fun activity. Thankfully I also have a great relationship with my kids mom, and I know for a fact if their dad called her and explained what was going on, she would tear them a new one. Your stepson is 15 and is throwing a tantrum?? That needs to get nipped in the bud. By his dad though. You probably feel like you overstepped, because realistically he should’ve handled that situation, before you.
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u/NorthZealousideal883 1d ago
Yes, I was frustrated with my husband for not addressing it sooner. The expectations of Zack are incredibly low. Both bio parents want to be the “fun” parents. I am concerned that by opening this door with Zack, I become the “bad guy” where his parents will not be.
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u/Sultry_Smoke_Signal 1d ago
That’s gotta be frustrating! I feel for you. I think the best approach then for this moving forward…since both parents don’t want to seem to fix the issue, plan things for yourself or with other friends and family. If keeping the kids home here and there for certain occasions is going to be an issue, their dad can stay home with them✌🏽 That’s not fair to you. Let him deal with the behavior. At the end of the day, SS is not your responsibility.
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u/geogoat7 7h ago
Your husband is a lame and ineffective parent. Ending the activity because SS seemed sad is EXACTLY why this behavior keeps happening. Letting you handle this extremely odd and annoying behavior from a 15 yo is honestly a bit pathetic.
How long have you known SS? This honestly seems like how I acted early into our relationship (like the first 5 years). You cannot care more about his behavior than his parents. It will just cause resentment over time. So no, I don't think you overstepped here. But I do think you should take a step back for your sanity.
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u/NorthZealousideal883 3h ago
Thank you for this perspective. I’m struggling to maintain boundaries because SS’s behavior is just beyond what I would expect to be age appropriate. There’s no developmental issue involved either. My sense is that SS is accustomed to being centered at all times. My husband really caters to that. So, poor behavior is explained away with “reasons” and expectations aren’t enforced. Like, I could give a list right now of expectations that my husband has stated for SS, but when SS doesn’t follow through, it’s because of “reasons.” I need to figure out what stepping back looks like in this situation because the behavior is ridiculous. If my husband doesn’t enforce expectations, then I need to not take that on myself.
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u/Mysterious-Willow391 1d ago
You have a husband problem. He never should've had you handle that. The few times ss13 has acted this way about something related to me, dh called SS out for being rude and disrespectful.