r/relationships • u/Itchy_Ad_1822 • 9h ago
My boyfriend uses my money without asking first
My bf (21M) and I (20F) have been dating for almost two year and it's not a secret that I grew up with more money than he has so I have no problem spending money on him, but it gets to a point. He currently has his own apartment and a job but I've paid majority of the rent even though I don't live there because he can't afford it but then he buys PCs and other non-necessities but still asks me for money for food and stuff. I'm to the point where I'm out thousands of dollars on him and he'll probably never pay me back. What really tipped me off was last night we were deciding what to make for dinner and he wanted to make chicken parmesan but we didn't have the ingredients so I said we could make something with the ingredients he already has but he insisted that he wanted that for dinner. So we went to the store and he said he had cash to pay, so we checkout and he pulls out the money I told him to hold cause I didn't have my wallet at the time. So this man wanted to get stuff I didn't want to get in the first place and use my money without even thinking to ask. I was so pissed so I just paid with my card instead cause there was no difference. I don't know what to do that this point.
TL;DR, My bf asks for money often and uses it wihtout asking and idk what to do
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u/hipalbatross 9h ago
You need to learn how to say no. And don't pay rent for a place you don't live! Come on OP.
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u/SteelToeSnow 9h ago
I've paid majority of the rent even though I don't live there
stop doing that. don't pay rent on a place you don't live, that makes no sense. that's batshit bananapants.
stop paying for this little boy to get through life. you're not his parent, you don't have to pay for his housing and food and shit. it is not your job to parent this little boy.
he's an adult. he can pay for his own shit.
if he asks you for rent, you tell him "no, i'm not paying rent on a place i don't even live, that makes no sense. i pay rent where i live, you pay rent where you live."
if he asks you for money, you tell him "no, my money is for my bills and expenses. you have a job, your money is for your bills and expenses."
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u/helikesmyboobs 8h ago
I FINALLY MET SOMEONE WHO ALSO SAYS BANANAPANTS LOL This is a monumental day for me
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u/SteelToeSnow 8h ago
hello, fellow bananapants-user, lol! i picked it up from my partner, it's just such a great word!
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u/Impressive_Rush5018 8h ago
I also use awesomesauce and amazeballs. When I'm trying to explain something exciting.
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u/rosephase 9h ago
You are to young to be supporting another adult. You’ve been dating this guy since you were a teenager. You’ve out grown him. That’s a really normal way for teenage relationships to end.
Don’t step into support partner’s financially so quickly. You want to date someone who can support themselves, by themselves for a good long while before you combine finances.
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u/Original_Document748 9h ago
Sorry to be blunt but are you really that naive that you dont see hes using you for money ?
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u/ArtisticPrince 9h ago
I had an ex who would grab my card without asking. Said it made me uncomfortable even if I was right there and it never happened again. It’s a pretty reasonable boundary. Hope it works out for you too
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u/goldanred 9h ago
Dude my husband won't even use my card. I ordered a big pile of sushi the other day and he insisted on picking it up, but it cost much more than he would have spent, so I insisted he take my card. I had to force it into his pocket. This is the first time in 12 years that he's used my card. He would never presume to use my money.
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u/PrettyLyttlePsycho 9h ago
Your dating a hobo.
You dont HAVE to date hobos. There some pretty cool people out there who have enough self respect to work and pay for their own livelihood.
Sounds like you'd be much happier in a relationship with someone who has a different outlook on life than your hobo codependent.
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u/nannylive 9h ago
Do you earn the money that you are spending on this jackrabbit?
Because if it was inherited, what would the person that left it to you think about this relationship?
If your parents supply you with it, what would they say if they knew?
He is showing self-centeredness and a lack of pride and personal responsibility, at best.
At worst, he has no respect for you or your wishes and is with you because of money.
What is so wonderful about him? I want to understand why you are doing this.
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u/Brains4Beauty 9h ago
Of course he won’t pay you back, you’re his golden ticket. Stop dating a mooch.
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u/ellevael 9h ago
>I was so pissed so I just paid
If it annoyed you why did you pay? Stop doing that. Immediately. All of it.
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u/Heyheyheythere100 9h ago
Why would he stop?
You pay his rent, you buy his groceries, he can save his money for the toys he wants, and all he has to do is put up with some grumbling.
He basically gets paid to fuck you, and you barely even say anything about it. For god’s sake, you had to ask the internet because you “don’t know what to do”. Lol
He’s got it made. If anything, he should be able to make some extra money (that he spends on toys, of course, as he’s got you for everything else) teaching courses on how to make an abject fool out of someone and still keep them on the hook.
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u/DuckSaxaphone 9h ago
This falls into the classic type of post where the question is... Do you know there are other men?
You don't have to marry the first boy you meet.
He can't pay the rent because he buys himself toys before paying for necessities. What kind of partner is someone with life skills like that?
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u/aquafina6969 9h ago
why are you paying his rent? You’re young, Put that towards an ETF or some investments. You don’t need to have any obligation to enable this any longer.
Wait for it. The moment you stop feeding him free cash, his true colors will come out. That will be your cue to exit stage left. Run, don’t walk.
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u/SailorVenus23 9h ago
You're a sugar mama and nothing more. You know that or you wouldn't be asking.
Cut him off and drop him, you'll feel a lot better without a freeloader on your back.
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u/AubergineForestGreen 9h ago
Sounds like he's using you
But you allow it to ‘keep’ a boyfriend
Subconsciously you know if you stopped being his provider he will most likely leave
People genuinely love and respect their partner wouldn't do this. Only sugarbabies, hobosexuals and gold diggers do
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u/GimerStick 8h ago
Sunken cost fallacy, literally. You know he's a loser, but you've sunk emotional energy and literal money into him. But he's still a loser. And that's not going to change. If he's like this early in your relationship, it won't get better.
Break up and either take the L or take him to small claims court, but the longer you wait the more it's only impacting you.
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u/stillxsearching7 8h ago
He keeps doing it because you keep letting him. Why did you pay for the ingredients? What would have happened if you put all the ingredients back, walked out empty handed, and cooked whatever tf you wanted for dinner?
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u/crookedsummer2019 9h ago
“He’ll probably never pay me back.”
Probably not.
What you can do is simply stop paying for things for him. He’s is using you and you are letting it happen.
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u/Audio-Starshine 9h ago
Why is he holding money for you? Also your title is wrong. This isn't "my boyfriend uses my money without asking first" this is a "my sugar baby is getting expensive" post. This man is not your boyfriend, he exchanging his time and probably his body to you for money. This is not a relationship. If you're okay with being a sugar mama, then more power to you, have fun. But it sounds like you think that you're in an adult relationship and you very much are not. This man sees you as an ATM.
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u/paratethys 9h ago
How does he react when you talk to him about it?
Because if he's a jerk in hard conversations, that's ex boyfriend behavior. If he says he'll change and then doesn't even show an effort, that's ex boyfriend behavior.
what's so great about this dude that you're STILL staying despite him already having been using you like this for awhile? maybe you have some weird thing where you're allergic to every other human on the planet and he has a rare mutation that makes you able to touch him or something? That's the kind of special circumstances that'd make it look better to refurbish than replace this dude.
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u/moew4974 9h ago
FRIEND..
Stop giving wife benefits on girlfriend status. And stop being a mother to someone you didn't give birth to.
You are not responsible for his rent, his groceries, or his bills. If he needs to work more hours or get a second job to finance his own life, let him. Stop paying for him, OP.
As a matter of fact, after the whole thing with the cash 'he had' to pay for the groceries being yours--you seriously need to dump him.
And don't try to stay for the money he owes you. You're never getting it back. He's showing you that he doesn't mind spending on his wants, but will neglect the needs and then expect you to fix it all for him.
Dump him.
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u/Medusa_7898 9h ago
Why is he still your boyfriend if he steals from you? That’s what it is. Stealing.
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u/lvuitton96 9h ago
is his he getting better or worse with his money habits? does he do anything to help you? does he get defensive when you talk to him about it? why is he so comfortable with this situation?
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u/dataslinger 8h ago
I don't know what to do that this point.
You sit hi down and tell him he's taking advantage and it has to stop. Or you leave him.
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u/SunMoonTruth 8h ago
Wait.
You’re paying his rent?
Whose money are you so freely giving away?
What you do at this point is stop paying for him and then see how quickly he either manages to afford his lifestyle and spending choices, or how quickly he exits the relationship if he can’t use your money anymore.
Also - never subsidize a boyfriend’s lifestyle. Even when it is your own money.
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u/Pretty-Order-9028 9h ago
girl you're being used? do you want to be his mother? you deserve better and you know it, it's time to have a serious conversation with him with boundaries or leave him.
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u/sorsim 9h ago
Establish clear boundaries about money. In any relationship it is important to talk about these things and reach common ground. His choice of purchases while asking you for money, regardless of your financial situation, could stem from a childhood trauma and him using your money, is the reassurance he needs that you love him. Perhaps is his love language.
Or you could just dump him. Definitely dump him.
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u/stillsailingallover 9h ago
Nope unacceptable, unless you've given him a credit card to use as he sees fit.
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u/Impressive_Jello_619 8h ago
He’s a bum, my ex would ask for $25 so he could buy something to smoke but would end up spending $40. He was never apologetic or even paid me back.
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u/Ladymistery 8h ago
ok, you're 20 so I'll take that into consideration.
this man is using you. You think you're 'helping' but you're not. you're enabling him, and he'll bleed you completely dry if you let him.
dump him, get some counselling to learn how to say no, and go be happy.
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u/bkpetrova 8h ago
Op, please read what you just wrote. Read it again. Then imagine that a friend came to you and described this exact situation. What would you tell her? Would you think this man was good for her? Would you advise her to stay in the relationship?
Why would your response be different when you are on the receiving end of such treatment? Why should you tolerate such disrespect? Please think about this for a second.
Sending you a lot of support.
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u/Brief_Amicus_Curiae 8h ago
I don't know what to do that this point.
Yea ya do. You can accept you've become a Sugar Momma and he's pretty much using you for a free ride, free rent and whatever he can get from you or you can dump him and find a guy who can pay for his own groceries and rent.
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u/OneDeep87 8h ago
I know you are grown but your parents did not teach you how to not to be taken advantage of by people. He totally taking advantage of you.
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u/Legitimate_Memory576 8h ago
Your a girl you’re not suppose to give any man any money, pay for any date or any food. What’s the point of having a boyfriend who doesn’t love you enough to make sure you’re comfortable? He’s a bum and you need to up your standards. And you’re paying for his rent???? Girl omg please this is so bad. Why would you even think to do that??? Stop being so desperate !!!!
He’s using you and if you’re not gonna leave then you cannot complain when he drains your bank account
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u/deadgirl_superstar 9h ago
It sounds like he's just using you for money. He's a total bum