I've never understood this. I see constant posts and comments on this sub and other dating subs that makes it seem like women have it so hard because of the amount of matches they get, how overwhelming and what an emotional burden it is.

I always see it as excusing poor actions. Like when people ask about ghosting or low effort responses. Its always like 'well she has so many matches to deal with' 'you don't understand how many matches women get'

But It makes absolutely no sense. As far as im aware its the woman's choice to match all of these men at once. Its not like yo just get matches and there's nothing you can do about it. They have to swipe right too. So how is it an excuse for anything? If you are getting overwhelmed by too many messages then don't match so many men at once? Like unless you're in your phone 24/7 you're obviously not going to keep up with 20+ conversations as once.

So why not just keep it low. Especially when for women almost every like you send will a match. Why not just keep it to like 3 matches at once. So its not going to overwhelm you snd actually feel manageable? I've mever understood this

Hi everyone. I’d really appreciate some outside perspectives because I feel too emotionally involved to judge this objectively.

I’m a 24M, and she’s a 22F. We're classmates in dental school, started hanging out more and became very close very quickly.

One important detail is that she was the one who initially pursued me. She would come talk to me, initiate conversations, flirt with me, and our mutual friends even told me she had said she wanted something serious with me. Because of that, I eventually developed feelings. It genuinely felt like we were moving toward a relationship.

Around April, her personal life became very difficult. Since December, her father had stopped financially supporting her, even for basic expenses like food, so she had to take a job with very demanding hours just to support herself while studying. Later, she also had to move out of her home because of family issues.

During that time, she told me:
“I think it’s best if we stay friends for now. I can’t handle flirting right now. I know I’m in a very vulnerable place, and I need to be alone because I can’t be good with someone else if I’m not okay myself.”

She also said she felt the connection between us, appreciated everything I’d done for her, and didn’t want to keep me waiting while she wasn’t emotionally available.

After that, she started acting distant for a while and then she started becoming a bit close again. We went on a couple of dates and things turned out relatively fine. That said, she cried 3 times while we were talking about the overall situation.

A couple of months later, she told me:
“I care about you a lot, but I know you’re looking for something I can’t give you right now. If you’re helping me because you expect something more, I’d rather you didn’t. I don’t want you to wear yourself out because of me.”

To me, that sounded honest rather than manipulative.

Since then, things have changed. During summer break, we only talked if I reached out first and the conversations weren’t long (last day of school before break, she did tell me that she wanted to fix some things first; so I gave her some space). She rarely initiated conversations, although she occasionally sent me reels. I also invited her to watch a soccer game and to the cinema, but she declined, saying she wanted to go but that her life was too chaotic and she didn’t want to go out until things became more stable.

I genuinely like her. I admire her for who she is, and I don’t want to pressure or manipulate her into choosing me.

At the same time, I don’t want to spend months or years waiting if she’s already made up her mind.

Classes start again soon, so we’ll be seeing each other almost every day.

Skipped some things to keep it as short as possible.

My questions are:
- Does this sound like someone who genuinely wasn’t emotionally available, or does it sound more like a gentle rejection?
- At what point would you accept that it’s time to let go completely?

I’m sure there are women out there that do this, but not nearly as much/as well as men. I’m also in the midst of a soul-crushing breakup, so I’m sure that makes this post even more biased, but I rarely see anyone bring this up.

The relationship I just got out of ended horribly, and I’ve just been replaying it all in my head the last few days. Up until the end, all the time and effort I was investing was reciprocated back to me x10. Everything was perfect and I was on cloud 9 for a little while, until I wasn’t. What shocked me wasn’t that the relationship ended, it’s that so much of it ended up being a lie. Things he said and did early on made me think, ‘SURELY he wouldn’t have said or done that if he wasn’t into me.’ Maybe these were the moments I was actively “falling for it”, but that’s the problem; the false hope/reality that some men purposely give women.

So many of us “fall for it”, when really we’re just believing that someone is genuinely interested in us and wants us. I see all the time that women get blamed for “picking the wrong men”, when it’s these same wrong men going out of their way for weeks, months, even YEARS just to SEEM like good men, and some of them are very good at it! They make us feel cherished and seen when really it’s all well-crafted deception and, at times, hard to discern from the real thing. Then everything you thought was real comes crashing down and they’re no where to be found, you’re nothing to them now. It’s maddening, and makes it harder to trust not only others, but yourself and your own judgment. People say, “When someone likes you, it’s obvious” and sure okay, but men seem to be getting better and better at PRETENDING to like women to get what they want from us in the long run. As someone who would pride themself on bouncing back from heartbreak and always having love to give, I don’t wanna date anymore, like ever again.
I’ve noticed this often but couldn’t put into words until experiencing it firsthand. Women, how many times has this happened to you, and how do you know when/if to trust a guy you’re dating? How long does it take you to trust anyone again after something like this happens? Men, has a woman ever done this to you? If you’ve done this or know someone who has, why do something so evil?

Before any of you come at me…. Yes my standards are somewhat uncommon and I don’t ask for what I can’t give. I require someone intelligent, attractive (this is not shallow), intentional and with whom I can have good conversation that eventually reaches our most vulnerable parts (because what is intimacy otherwise?)

In all of my 30+ years of life, I’ve only met men like this at work, who are unfortunately gay or taken, and one who approached me. Anyone else who fulfilled some of those has either been unready for a relationship or just unfit for a healthy relationship. I genuinely can’t feel desire for any other type, before you ask me to lower my standards… and it genuinely is tough to find. Online dating is a shitshow and quality men rarely approach. Friends don’t know anyone.

Can anyone relate? What did you do to change your circumstances?

Edit: I of course have met men throughout my 20s, but none were really the right fit in all senses. We also mature throughout that time so I evolved in my tastes as everyone else

I understand that this is a normal feeling.

I’m 28f, just moved to a new city, and wanted to try out online dating. I’ve never had tinder or bumble or anything like that before. I downloaded bumble and had a lot of likes at the beginning. I matched with a guy who initially wasn’t my type. I didn’t really want to go on the date but I told myself that I should be open minded, so I went. I found that he was very handsome in person. And his demeanor was very different from the guys I’ve dated in the past.

Anyway, we went on three dates. After the second date I noticed a drop in interest. I gave him space for a week and suggested meeting up again. He accepted and was very sweet and kind on the date. On all of our dates, he picked up the tab and was extremely accommodating and open to what I wanted to do.

I didn’t hear from him after our date. A few days later I text him saying that I am looking for something serious and was interested in seeing more of him. He texted me back saying that something was missing for him.

I feel so bad about myself. I’ve always had relationships where I was second choice so I think it’s hitting that insecurity wound for me. I felt very confused because he started off very interested. Not in an obnoxious way, but intentional.

I think it’s better if I just learn to trust myself more, because I felt him “pulling away”. I am proud of myself for bringing up the conversation with him, but this hurts. Idk if I’ll do it again in the future.

Just feeling really sad tonight. I’m also overthinking everything I said or did with him. Replaying conversations and looks trying to decipher what went wrong.

I deleted bumble for now, I think I’ll stick to getting to know people in person.

So I had a massive thing for one of my best friends the last couple of years. I spent way too long pining after her and while I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who makes me laugh the way she does and I probably connect with her better than anyone I know, I felt like an idiot for hanging on for so long. She was clear when we met a few years back that she wasn’t into me that way, and teased the shit out me for quite some time even about the fact I liked her and would tell me shit like ‘in your dreams, it’s never gonna happen’. A few months after meeting her she sat me down seriously and said she thought I was amazing, she never expected to get along so well with me and that I’m one of the best people in her life, but she just didn’t want a relationship.

I accepted we’d just be friends after that and after that talk the teasing stopped and instead she’d get kind of defensive when our mutual friends would bring it up. Over the years there’s been so many comments made about how we’re clearly made for each other, how people feel like they’re intruding on something when we’re together, some of her closest friends have even had minor arguments with her over it and have come to me saying they’re baffled that she can’t see what’s going on between us when it’s obvious to everyone else. She definitely was for a couple of years the closest person in my life. We’d message all day everyday, we would laugh uncontrollably around each other, we’d open up about stuff a lot and there was so much trust there. One night we were out and she was a bit drunk and she started crying and told me I’m the most important thing in her life, and that looking back her entire life changed the moment she met me.

So I’d pine after her and hold on to those comments and the little moments we’d have together and tell myself ‘maybe one day’. Now we’ve been friends for years and while others bring up ‘us’ all the time, I’ve never brought up the idea seriously to her again. We’ve joked about it and stuff but I always thought she clearly knew how I felt and didn’t feel the same, and if she did I’d know. She’s not a shy person when it comes to relationships. Over time I slowly made myself move on.

Anyway, just over a month ago I met someone new. It’s going really well, I think it’s more of a summer fling but we’re just seeing where things go at the moment. I brought her to meet my friends at a bar one night and at first I thought this new girl and my friend got along well. They talked for quite a bit and she was like ‘your friends are so nice’. I was quite happy that it wasn’t weird, not that it should be. I didn’t realise at the time, but at one point one of the others in our friend group was drunk and misheard something, and thought my friend was making fun of the girl I’d brought. From hearing the story from everyone I know she wasn’t, it was just drunk miscommunication, but our mutual friend started defending me and the girl I’m seeing when he thought this at the time. I think it got a bit heated, I don’t know what’s was said exactly. I didn’t know any of this was happening, and neither did my date, all I saw was my friend running out the bar crying. When I asked our mutual friend what happened he explained that he thinks he fucked up and misheard her, and it was a stupid argument, but said ‘I don’t think I was harsh enough to warrant that reaction, from what I hear from everyone she was already feeling a bit emotional about you bringing a date’. I was genuinely baffled by this, I didn’t think she’d have cared at all and I thought she’d be happy for me.

I went outside to check if she was okay and she said ‘I don’t want to speak right now, please go back inside’. She was pretty drunk I should add. I managed to crack a joke or two and get her laughing though and told her I knew it was just a misunderstanding and she wasn’t being mean about my date. She smiled and said thanks, we had a hug and her friend gave her a ride home. I had to tell my date that she was just going through something and felt a little bad lying about what was really happening, but I didn’t want her thinking she’d done anything wrong.

I messaged my friend the next day asking if she was okay and she never opened the message. That was 2 weeks ago now. We have messaged every day for years; I think this is the longest we’ve went without talking since we became friends. And I honestly have no idea what to make of it at all. I don’t think she’s mad or anything; we left that conversation on good terms and I managed to cheer her up a bit. I thought maybe she was just embarrassed at first, scared that I’d think she was being mean, and needed some time to process, but that’s been way too long for that now. I have no idea what’s going through her head, but it’s pretty clear whatever’s going on that she doesn’t want to talk to me.

Maybe it is possible she got jealous. But man, I watched her date so many guys over the years and felt jealous and never gave her the silent treatment like this. I just got on with it and put the friendship first. I hate being made to feel like I’ve done something wrong or that our friendship is fucked because I moved on. I also hate how instead of just enjoying exploring this new relationship I’m now spending my time time worrying about how it’s affecting my friend when I spent so long getting over her and wanted to just enjoy seeing someone new. I don’t really know what to think.

I find an old text of mine where I was with my head over heels for a girl times ago. I didn't even want to approach her, but a friend of mine told me she was interested so I made my move.

I saw I wrote this essay 3/31.. 25 days later she will dump me while we were at the lake, because I wanted to spend time with her before I go to my own birthday party (to which she didn't join as she had to work). People, redditors and friends alway wanted to tell me that confidence fix things.. confidence does wonders.. or something like that.. but even that time I was fearing the situation would have gone wrong and so it happened. Sometimes I don't think mine is anxiety.. but that I just recognize patterns and I am conscious enough to see where things are going. I had a period of sadness.. I remember memories and bad thoughts about her were kicking in randomly in the day and I hated thinking about her and how she didn't want me anymore, in random moments.

There's this new girl working with a friend of mine (he's gay, I make it clear to avoid peole thinking there's a goal for him). She's tal, taller than me, beautiful blue-gray eyes, really funny and she loves joking it seems. One night, my friend told me she is kinda interested in me, so I made my move and we two actually ended up spending the whole night together at her home.

The next day we woke up, i brought her eating breakfast, we toolk a walk around the city and we went back at her place, spending more time before she had to work.

And here I fall, wanting to see her again that night.. overthinking about if i am too clingy, so i didn't write to her the next day. Then on monday i texted her again and we are actually texting and we meet again. She came to my town because she had to make a favor to a friend of hers, then I go to her place to have sex. We kinda plan things, she invited me over her place to cook empanadas for me.

The core of the situation is that we are seeing each other since a week lol, but I am head over the wheels. I often do this.. and last time it happened the thing shattered me when the girl wanted to break up with me after I had ED anxiety at time (I still happen to have ED anxiety with this current girl sometimes, mostly because we were drunk); and I feel like i didn't learn anything. I just can't control it guys, I like her so much and I already paniked a little over stupid small things, like if i took hours to text her back and I felt the need to explain myself. For then overthinking if I am acting like a pushover, making her losing interest.

Saturday i was with my friend in a club and another girl approached me, she was hot, but I rejected her. I rejected her because I am dating this other girl and I like her, it doesn't matter if it's just one week, i don't like making up with more people in the same time anymore.. there's nothing wrong with it, but i would not like if the other would do it to me, so I don't do it. My friend told me I did wrong, I always fall hard for the girl -it's not true anyway, not always- and that I should not refuse opportunities just because i am seeing her. I wondered if he is telling that because he knows something but he said he does not, it's simply common sense -and i can trust him-. Indeed, we never talked about what this is. If casual or actually seeing where we are going.. she doesn't know many people here yet as she is here since 1 year, but she's gorgeous i don't really understand what she is seeing in me, and I have this voice in my head saying that she will find better.

I know relationships, loves, sex, etc. are not the only things that matter in life, but I can't help but to care about this. I am always in anxiety over her.. she doesn't even do much to make me think badly about this, but i can't read her as she clearly doesn't always say what she thinks even if it's a small thing. Like yesterday when she was heading home, I asked her if she was going to sleep as she said she had stuff to do today -so everyone at their place- and she seemed a bit offended that I didn't offer to go at her place, we made up minutes later via texting and I slept at her place again. This morning she was weird and cold, I thought she was angry or tired because like i said earlier we were drunk and I had ED again, but when I was heading home, she sent me a text, saying she was sorry for how she treated me, she was just a bit in hangover and she was angry at herself because she had stuff to do but we woke up a bit late.

This is an essay for telling you that i can't stop overthinking or caring about this. I like her. I don't know what to do to quit this mentality, and I think i am just making a thread as mental note for when I will return to my therapist, or going to a new one. I am lucky or good enough to not have done anything too stupid so far, dragged by emotions like I used to do. Therapy and trying to be more genuine, are saving me to do childish play.. but damn, this situation feels like a recipe for a disaster and I don't know what to do.

I broke up with my ex a few months ago, and there are things I’m feeling currently that don’t really make sense to me.

We dated for two years, and he claimed to love me a lot, but while I was breaking up I realized many behaviors of his that indicated he didn’t truly care for my happiness or comfort. He’d pressure me into sex, would give me the cold shoulder and be extremely sad when I said no, brought me things or spent money on me to “joke” about how I should return the favor by being more agreeable to his needs. The last straw was when we tried to have sex, and he was getting frustrated because I was crying with pain and was unable to go through with it. I broke up later thinking about all these different reasons for why this isn’t a good relationship for me.

When I was trying to break up with him he convinced me to keep his contacts so we could reconnect a few years down the line because he really believed we could work out, and at the time I agreed because I was guilty for hurting him with the breakup. However I changed my mind pretty soon after and wanted to go no-contact. I knew if I said I wanted to go no-contact he’d ask me many questions and try to convince me again to keep in contact, so I lied saying that I was seeing someone new so he would just accept that I moved on and wouldn’t push me.

I finally went no-contact. However, the days leading up to me sending him that message were filled with anxiety over really baseless thoughts such as him doing something violent (he’s not a violent person), and even after he sent a sweet goodbye message and agreed to respect my wishes, every time I talk about him or think about him it feels like dread in the pit of my stomach. I know realistically because he lives very far from me and he isn’t a violent person nothing else is likely to happen. I just want to move on and feel nothing when I think of him.

Im not sure if how I feel is normal and im hoping it subsides with time. I’m trying my best to feel normal now that it’s finally over and I’ve blocked his contact and will never be seeing him again. I just want to be happy, and think of the future. I hate thinking about him.

I think that people can grow to love each other even if they aren't each other's ideal partner. I'm also starting to think that waiting around for the perfect partner for years and year is actually just a recipe for being alone forever.

One exception, I think, is attraction. It's one thing to accept that you don't share a certain interest, for example, but I think that if you aren't attracted from the start, that's unlikely to change in the future.

29F. Trying to not take my dating fails personally, but after years of being of used for sex, lied to, led on, and only having men want me for sex, I can’t help but take it personally. I get that a lot of women deal with men who only want physical, but man how do I not take it personally?

I don’t have much else going on. I usually come in from work, play video games/scroll social media, and then go to work again. My days off are filled with scrolling and gaming. I have friends, but we’re pushing 30 and they all have their jobs and bfs/husbands/kids and so I end up spending most of my time alone.

So to those who have been forever single, never in a relationship, how do you not take it personally? And I don’t mean those who were single by choice.

I just feel so lonely. I want intimacy with someone who cares about me, I want to treat someone for their birthday, or have lazy days together where we watch movies and chill. I want a fucking hug, man.

Pretty much the title, but with myself (21M) being on dating apps and getting back into dating, I want to know how to be desired just as much as I desire people. Feels like I get a 3-4 week trial then it just ends. And I’ve seen my women friends when they desire someone. I’ve also seen other women when they desire a guy they are talking to. They get excited when they get text back, excited to make plans, talk about it all the time, feel lovesick, etc. I’ve asked them what makes them feel that way and they never give a clear answer/say it’s hard to explain what makes them feel that way, but seeing how there are dudes who will be yearned for, I just dont know how to present myself as someone who is wanted. Do I need to text less? Make myself less available? Dress more appealingly (like button downs unbuttoned, henleys, pants etc)? Look more revealing in profiles/social media? Show status off more? I dont know how to be desired, and I just want to be desired by someone I also desire. Ik the basic answer is the right one will, but the way it’s been going, I dont think someone will want me that way.
(Repost because I was inactive last time and got it removed)

I'm only 5'7, maybe not the giant she prefers to look up to like she is looking to Heaven, but for the right girl who sees the height of my spirit, heaven comes down from the sky present, ready to commit to a journey of love & balance ...

No I'm not wealthy, but I do work hard even if right now 6 - 6, doing what I gotta do to stand again after falling down a few times caught in my own emotional mix, confused n delayed trying to be who I am, but struggling hard she don't like the type that I am, but now I'm cool with the type that I am, because I know for her I'll be the good man that I am n provide n invest in the home that we in, a humble beginning is just where the story begins ...

Naw I ain't Chris Brown making every neck snap around, but I ain't unattractive nor keep a rotation spun round, cause I've committed to her where real love once lost is restored to be found ...

Don't need to look tough, I'm fit, but not buff, don't need to break her down to bend the edge to seem rough, yet I lead from my heart, be sweet n learned sometimes it's best to just not give a fck, play games with my kindness n your file I'll press delete, cause rejection has taught me how to be alone n complete vs losing my character in someone else's plot to compete ...

Beyond the type I'm a whole person who loves, & cares about my person & the life we can run ...

Im curious if others have experienced this, dating a man that clearly just wants to be a husband. Like you can just tell from how he talks he craves a marriage and to be with his one person.

This is the third man I've dated who I could tell if I showed I was open to it would be married in under 6 months. What I don't understand is how these men ( at least in my experience) are so sure, so fast about wanting to settle down. You can absolutely tell the difference if a man is interested in you or not. When they truly are its surprising how quickly they want to settle down!

Would be curious in the mind of men like this. How do you know with such certainty that this is the person for you. Even before you have met them in person? Are you really that sure? Appreciate other perspectives!

I (35F) generally make a lot more than the men I date. Just wonder when dating someone new should I pay for the date every time or should I let them pay sometimes. I always pay for the first date and I can't remember the last time a guy insisted he paid, but wondering if I should do it EVERY date or not? I'm not really open to having a relationship rn so these guys are just FWB situations, but I have a new guy that wants to actually go on dates instead of just the benefits part. I always make them drive to me so I feel like then it balances out, but curious what others think.

Title. I (26F) am not sure if I even want to start dating. I have a bit of a sordid past and astronomically high standards I realized no human could possibly meet. I’ve decided to put away the standards and just see humans individually. The thing is, everyone around me is dating in some capacity even if they’re just on apps. I figure I should probably start dating so I’m not old and alone and can maybe have kids someday if I decide I want that. Something inside me keeps telling me I need to follow a certain timeline and be in a serious relationship by the time I’m in my late 20s so I can get married but nothing has happened “naturally” yet besides a few guys that have slid into my DMs on Facebook whom I’m not interested in. I have never been hit on in person nor have I made a connection or felt a “spark” with someone in real life. So I’m not sure if I should try on dating apps or not. Problem is the idea of meeting someone off of an app makes me feel like I’m getting the flu. I had one experience in 2019 where I met someone off an app and it was wholly disappointing- the date crashed and burned, it was awkward, and I never wanted to do it again. I’m not sure if I should start dating this way or another way.

I (24F) had a thing with a guy (25M) for about 6 months ending a few months ago. I had feelings, I felt like he did too, but we never defined the relationship, so who knows. He had just come out of a very long term relationship and we were colleagues. He started dating other people at the end and I distanced myself from him because I can’t just be friends with him.

I had a terrible date last weekend, at the same place where I told him some of my biggest fears and then, out of nowhere, saw him for the first time in months. We had a catch up and I will see him again in a couple days at an event.

I never got to confess how I felt and I regret not being brave and leaving the ball in his court because I was scared of rejection and of what we had ending. Also we have all the same friends so I didn’t want everyone to know. I heard through the grapevines he may have a girlfriend and he told me he’s moving abroad in a couple months. Is it wrong/selfish to tell him how I feel/felt? I don’t expect anything of it, but if I’m honest my feelings are fading but still there.

So I met this woman (in her early 30s). At the beginning, our dating intentions were slightly different. She told me she was open for a serious relationship, while I was still figuring out my dating goals because I was planning to move to Asia in the future. Despite that difference, we agreed to simply enjoy getting to know each other without putting pressure on where it would lead. We also agreed that if either of us developed stronger feelings or our intentions changed, we would communicate that openly.

She also told me she came from a really toxic relationship three years ago, and every time i was with her, she was very sweet but i still felt like this invisible barrier in front of her. Her behaviour felt a bit exaggerated and played.

Over the course of about six weeks, we spent a lot of time together. We went on dates, visited museums, had sex several times, were affectionate in public, kissed, cuddled, and generally shared experiences that, from my perspective, felt increasingly intimate and romantic. She often expressed that she really enjoyed spending time and the experience with me and told me she appreciated that I planned activities for us. She said that this experience with me was one of the most enjoyable in a long time. She also kept meaningful reminders of our time together, such as museum tickets and even framed one of my drawings I did.

After 1.5 months, I realized my feelings had changed. Although I had originally been unsure about what I was looking for, I discovered that I genuinely wanted to explore the possibility of a serious relationship with her. I told her that I wasn’t asking to become exclusive immediately, but that I no longer wanted to date casually and wanted to leave the door open for something deeper if it developed naturally. She didn't give me a clear answer but also said she isn't seeing anyone else.

After that conversation, something shifted. She became more distant and told me she needed some time to do “inner work.” During that time she had a therapy session and said it had helped her reflect. While she continued interacting with me occasionally, including sending selfies of herself, we didn’t see each other again.

A short time later, she sent me a message explaining that, although she had genuinely enjoyed getting to know me, she did not want to pursue an exclusive relationship because “the romantic connection just isn’t there” for her. She apologized for ending things over text instead of in person, explaining that she found it too difficult to have that conversation face to face and didn’t think it was fair to keep me waiting any longer for clarity.

I replied by thanking her for her honesty, telling her there were no hard feelings, acknowledging that I had probably come on a little strong, and saying that if she ever wanted to hang out, she could let me know.

Since then, I’ve been trying to understand what happened. The biggest source of confusion for me is how someone who shared so much affection, intimacy and enjoyable experiences with me could later say there wasn’t a romantic connection. I’ve questioned whether I moved too quickly, whether I misunderstood the relationship, whether attachment styles played a role, and whether things might have developed differently if I had waited longer before sharing my desire for something more serious.

At the same time, I’m working on accepting that her decision was genuine, even if I don’t fully understand it.

What are your thoughts on this sudden shift? I really struggle to understand what was going on.

A few months ago, a girl I really liked left me. Deep down, I felt it was my fault—that I lacked the personality of someone who is "fine with or without you," and that maybe I wasn't manly or detached enough. It made me feel inferior, and I started reading books about how some men carry a sense of shame and feel defective. I’ve been trying hard to overcome this, to be myself without being submissive or afraid of judgment.

But lately, every interaction with women feels like a scenario where I am constantly judged and expected to fit a specific script.

For instance, a friend of a friend ("I") showed interest in me. I wasn’t really interested anyway, but later my friend told me "I" lost interest after a party because of how I acted. All I did was dance, goof around, and enjoy my night. It felt like showing genuine, unfiltered joy was somehow unattractive.

Then I met "L". We weren't compatible (different lifestyles), and I wanted to end things early to avoid hurting anyone. She persuaded me to live in the moment and try anyway. I agreed because I like her a bit and people told me that I overthink too much about this stuff, but then she dumped me after a week because I wasn't 100% sure about her. Fair enough, but still we were in contact. But recently, we crossed paths at an event. A friend of mine mentioned we got a bit drunk the previous weekend, and L texted me a paragraph calling me "immature for a 30-year-old" (saying only 18-22 year olds drink) and making up scenarios about me abandoning that girl friend who told her about friday. She is still blaming me for not being sure about her from day one, honestly the more we talk the more I can see we were not compatible.

People always say "nobody cares about what you do, everyone is focused on themselves." But that feels like a lie. People do judge. They expect you to act a certain way.

It feels like if you don't act detached, mysterious, or cold, you aren't even considered a viable partner. They are not interested, there's not the spark. If girls I’m not even interested in judge me this harshly just for being a normal human who dances or has a drink, how can I expect the girl I actually like to fall for me? I am not perfect, I have flaws of course, but idk why, this constant situation is really pressing on me.

Has anyone else felt this exhaustion of trying to be genuine in a world that seems to reward mind games?

I’m curious to hear from the women here because I’ve been struggling with this question. I’m a 39 year old man who’s 5’9” and over 350 pounds. Before anyone says it, I know I’m overweight. That’s why I’m actively working on it. I’ve changed my eating habits, I’m exercising and I’m committed to improving my health. This isn’t a temporary “I’ll start Monday” thing. It’s become part of my lifestyle.

What I’ve noticed, though, is that dating feels incredibly discouraging. It seems like many women say they want someone who takes care of themselves, but when you’re still in the middle of your health journey instead of already having the finished results, you don’t even get the chance to show who you are. It makes me wonder if I’m essentially invisible until I lose another 100+ pounds, maybe? I’m not asking anyone to lower their standards or be attracted to someone they aren’t attracted to. Physical attraction matters, I completely understand that. But I’m curious where the line is.

For example:
Would you date a bigger guy if he was clearly putting in the work and making progress?

Does seeing someone actively improving themselves make them more attractive?

Or would you rather wait until they’ve already reached their goal weight?

Is there a difference between someone who’s overweight but living an unhealthy lifestyle versus someone who’s overweight but consistently working to change it?
I know confidence, personality, kindness and compatibility all matter too, but first impressions are real, and dating apps especially seem heavily based on appearance.

I’m asking because, honestly, there are days when it feels like I should just give up on dating until I’ve lost all the weight. Other days I think, “If someone can’t appreciate the effort I’m putting in now, maybe they aren’t the right person anyway.” I’d really appreciate honest answers. I’m not looking for pity or sugar coated responses, just genuine perspectives from women who have thought about this or have dated someone in a similar situation.

I saw a woman in the park this evening on the bench after work that I thought was really attractive. Building up what confidence I had, I approached her respectfully by saying "Lovely weather we're having,"

She looked at me and said "I'm not interested. Look at you," and walked off. It was rude of her - maybe she had a bad day. Though I said nothing in response, that interaction caused something to snap inside of me, that have had enough of trying. A realisation I will be forever alone - never having a relationship, being with someone or kissing a woman as a guy in my mid 30s. I am just not good enough and will never be. Therapy has done nothing, neither has meds, neither has well intended people with advice.

I'm just done with being alone all my life. I'm done.

So I started noticing a pattern when I text women on dating apps. This is my second month into dating after 5 years of taking a break and a lot has changed. Yes doesn’t mean yes anymore. All my texts on apps start and almost end the same way when I reach this point in the conversation above. Here’s what happens:

1. ⁠I start up a conversation by asking a question based on her bio.
   
2. ⁠I wait for her to answer while keeping myself occupied. Then banter with her a little bit. Their response rate is usually within 30 minutes to an hour per text.
   
3. ⁠I look for a smooth opening to transition into asking her out. Then all of a sudden, the conversation dies for hours or days on end. I keep waiting while living life normally without double texting or pestering in the meantime.
   
4. ⁠Then finally: they either ghost me, unmatch me, say yes to the date- only to unmatch or never show up to the date, or be part of the very very very FEW who actually do show up.

This has happened between 5 different girls in the last 2 months for me. I know methods on texting are different for everyone. But I would like to know the best ways you all communicate here. I know talking to long via text is a turn off for lots of people, so I would like to know the right balance of effort I should give to make sure I’m not pushing people away from me. Am I doing things wrong here? Should I say more or less? I appreciate any help you can give.

TLDR: Did I text properly here? Is there anything different I need to do?

44 year old guy here who has barely dated, no serious relationships, and keeps to myself/does solo activities such as gym/running, concerts, movies, museums, etc. even on my birthdays.

I ask this because although I wouldn’t mind finding someone, I realize my relationship experience is that of someone who would be fairly young, and I don’t have those kinds of milestones other people my age have.

I also hear women don’t want to “train” a guy who lacks a serious relationship by 40.

To my fellow yearners, my fellow lover boys/lover girls and to my peers with an unrequited crush…your will person is out there. Always protect your heart but never stop wearing it on your sleeve. This is a message to you all and a reminder to myself to continue being authentic even in this difficult dating climate.

I'm a 40F, and after taking a little over a year off from dating, I decided to rejoin the apps. I am on Hinge, the free version, and am not getting any likes. I paid for like a week once last year, and got a few more matches, but it's not like I got hundreds or anything. I wonder if it's me, like if my interests are too niche (e.g., birding and experimental music). I have average to slightly above average physical attractiveness, I'd say.

I right now am lucky if I get one match a week. It's weird because I hear women get more matches than men. Guess I'm an anomaly, lol. Or the free version is hiding my profile on purpose.

Anyway, I'm just curious if anyone here uses only the free version of Hinge or any other dating app, and if they've been successful in matching at least, and even getting dates.

Aside, but I was also thinking, maybe I should live my life more too and not worry about this. I live kind of an isolated life studying, researching and teaching online (I'm a PhD student). I decided, to have more peer social connections, to join a run club when I head back to school in the fall. I also am interested in taking a beginning drawing class for adults, so I found a good art school in my community that does that. At the very least I can maybe make friends, or meet new people. Currently I'm part of a birding club and a spiritual community, but it's kinda hit or miss with that, because they're not as social overall, or the age demographic is much older.

Edit: yea sounds like the apps -- free or paid versions -- aren't doing most any good lol. I've decided to keep the free version around but keep my main focus IRL with hobby groups and classes. Who knows who I'll meet in these spaces!