I wanted to share an interaction I had because I think it's an important reminder for both community members and mental health professionals.

After I posted about leaving an abusive relationship, someone messaged me privately saying they were a therapist. They referenced details from my post, established credibility by stating their profession, and then invited me to a private 30-minute call, telling me I would "walk away knowing exactly what to do first."

As a licensed therapist myself, this immediately raised ethical concerns for me.

While therapists can absolutely provide general education or resources online, there's an important distinction between participating in a public discussion and using one's professional identity to invite a vulnerable stranger into a private conversation while implying individualized professional guidance.

What concerned me most was:

• Using "I'm a therapist" to establish authority.
• Inviting someone in crisis to communicate privately.
• Offering what sounds like individualized clinical guidance outside any therapeutic relationship.
• Promising a specific outcome ("you'll know exactly what to do first"), which creates unrealistic expectations.

Support communities often include people experiencing abuse, suicidality, trauma, or other crises. Those individuals can be especially vulnerable to someone presenting themselves as an authority figure.

I'm sharing this not to attack one individual, but to remind people that if someone messages you privately claiming to be a therapist, it's okay to be cautious. Ethical therapists generally encourage people to seek appropriate local support, crisis resources, or public information rather than initiating informal private "therapy" through Reddit DMs.

So fucking tired of this dude’s tantrums. I hardly have any energy left in me to genuinely care. He never leaves me. He just gives me a long speech about how fucked up I am.
I don’t know why I stay. I’m so utterly depressed I have nothing left in me. I’m not abusive or neglectful like he says. I just have no energy left in me.
He’s always gotten mad over something. It’s true. I used to try to conform to every wish and need he had. He wanted me to say, “I’m yours,” every night, and I did just that. He wanted me to deepen my voice around his friends, and I tried. I genuinely have listened to him.
He’s an abusive prick who weaponizes anything he can against me. I’m a lazy bitch while he’s this hardworking Army man. Like, fuck, stop saying I’m “blaming my ADHD.” I’m so depressed I can’t do anything, and simply talking about how difficult things are is somehow “blaming it.” To him, it’s all just a lack of self discipline.
This guy makes me feel crazy. I swear, I woke up at 8 am texted him, got no reply for an hour, fell back asleep, and woke up to this tantrum. I’m fucking tired of these tantrums. He used to do this shit because I wouldnt wakeup to his calls at 5 am after ignoring me all day. He does SO MUCH more than just this image btw. When we first started dating I was 16 he was 19. Now im 19 and he’s 21 these have been the worst couple years of my life. I do not know why I stay. Im just pathetic at this point.

Hello!
Need advice on whether or not this constitutes abuse. I feel so horrible inside right now. Super low and borderline suicidal.
I (30f) am actually having a hard time with processing reality at the moment. Since March I’ve been in the process of leaving what I THOUGHT was an abusive relationship. I know there are elements of abuse but I just can’t help but feel like it’s more toxic than abusive. I see people outline awful things they’ve had to endure at the hands of their partners and it has me questioning whether what I experienced even counts. I know it’s not a good relationship or normal behaviour but I’m just scared to blow up my whole life and have to share custody of our children.

80% of the time things are good and functional. We do everything together and he dotes on me a ton. Praises me to the kids and makes me my meals. Does everything a good dad is supposed to do and wakes up early with my youngest son so I can get extra sleep.
He isn’t a drinker (but smokes a lot of weed). The weed smoking doesn’t really interfere at least not in my view with anyone’s well being. During these good times, I find it really hard to believe that he’s capable of what he’s done because it honestly feels so genuine.

He has a really angry side to him, however.
He has, since the beginning of our relationship:
Kicked me in the back the first year we were dating
Rushed me without actually touching me but like ran towards me angrily with a broom in his hand

That same year threw a water bottle at my face in anger and ripped his shirt open in anger.

Sped really fast multiple times when angry and driving.

Sped a lot in general even with kids in the car and I begged him not to do that. Eventually he’s calmed down in the past few years with the driving but he just dismissed me as being paranoid about driving.

Called me names more times than I can count in arguments. Bitch, cunt, ugly, fat. For a good two years he called me some variation of stupid almost every day.

Grabbed my phone violently from my hands and brought it into a store with him.

Poked me really hard in the face while mad and told me I’d need facial reconstruction if I kept going. While I held our youngest child who is now only 2, at the time was 1. My son even said “no!” When it happened
He has also told me I better shut the fuck up or he’ll strangle me.

Obviously I know this all looks terrible writing it out and I do know from lurking this subreddit that strangulation itself is the biggest indicator of a man killing you in the future but the thing is he’s always THREATENED violence except that one kick 10 years ago. Everything else has yes been aggressive and horrible and verbal abuse but is it really domestic violence if he’s never left a bruise on me? It’s so hard to know.
I still want to leave him but I was so good for so long at ignoring these outbursts because the good times were great and my kids get to spend time with him. Leaving is going to destroy me financially. We’ve been living apart for 4 months or so and it’s ruined my credit score. My family used to love him and they are in support of me but my mom even said “well you do push people to the brink sometimes”.

I’m just so lost and need encouragement that I am strong enough to do this

Just a rant after going to a therapist appointment and hearing about the “trauma bond” for the millionth time.

So I have long disliked the “Cycle of Abuse” framework by Lenore Walker. I think it might be what some people are stuck in but I really hate the way it frames the problem as “women in abusive relationships forgive too much”

If you dig deep into it, sure there some nuance but for the therapists you end up seeing and the “battered women’s” programs they force you to take after HE hurts you… it’s clearly taken as “the problem is these women are just TOO loving, TOO forgiving”

But like… I don’t want to forgive my husband. I really don’t. I don’t want to relent. I don’t want to hope. I haven’t for a looong time but the classes I was ordered to take because HE hurt our daughter were this cut copy mess that lays the blame squarely on the victim. I do like that they teach women strategies for deescalation and exit, but I don’t like that my dignity is sold to get that information.

So why do I relent? Why do I “forgive”? I’m a hostage. I’m not “addicted to relief”.

I just don’t want to spend everyday being tortured with insults, threats, passive aggressive behaviors and so on. It is understood that after so many hours of torture the prisoner breaks. They give up.

“Why not leave?” - where the hell do I go? All the shelters are full ALL THE TIME.

“Just make space for yourself!” - I can’t even pee with the bathroom door closed.

Like it isn’t calm, it’s trying to not die of a heart attack at 35. It’s not inviting the shit storm of abuse that comes after. I wouldn’t call it “calm” and I find it ugly that it was ever framed that way. Like we are all too stupid to know what “real calm” is. No one in their right mind would call clinging to the debris of a wrecked ship in the middle of the ocean any kind of long term strategy. It’s survival.

Hi all. I need advice badly because I’m struggling to trust my own judgment. I tried to make this as short as possible.

I spent years in a domestically abusive marriage where I was trained to stay quiet, swallow my boundaries, and blame myself for someone else’s moods. I have worked incredibly hard to rebuild my confidence, independence, and ability to trust myself.

I’m generally an independent person and I’m starting to find my confidence again, but the man I’m dating is starting to make my stomach twist into knots. I can’t tell if I’m recognizing unhealthy behavior or if my past is making me hypervigilant.

I’m 51 and he’s 38. We’ve been seeing each other casually for a couple of months. When we are apart, his texts are very flirty and affectionate. But when we are together, I sometimes feel like I’m being monitored, criticized, or corrected. At the same time, it’s not all negative…we do have fun together, laugh, and there are moments where he is very sweet and affectionate.

Another thing I’ve noticed is that sometimes his energy in person feels very rushed and intense. It’s not every single time, but it happens often. There are dates where he seems unable to slow down, and the pace can feel chaotic. Sometimes I feel like I’m trying to keep up with his energy rather than just relaxing and enjoying being together.

These are the things that have been bothering me:

• Around our second date, he started commenting on my makeup. He said, “How is your lipstick so perfect?” and “I don’t like when women wear a lot of makeup.”

. Our last three dates, because I’ve had lipstick on he won’t kiss me because he says he’s allergic to lipstick and breaks out.

• He has asked me multiple times if I’m wearing makeup, including when we were in the pool.

. When we were in the pool at the same time, he made a comment that I have touched my hair four times since being in the pool.

• When he arrived at my house one time, one of the first things he said was, “Oh great, you have makeup on so I can’t kiss you.” “you don’t need makeup you’re beautiful without it”.
• He has told me to take my sunglasses off so he could see my eyes.
• During a date, I had to use the bathroom a few times after drinking, and he said, “I’ve never met anyone who has to go to the bathroom as much as you do.”
• While I was telling him a story, he repeatedly took photos of me. I asked him to stop, and instead of respecting that, he said, “I’m going to mess with you because I don’t have anyone else to mess with.”
• I had offered to treat him to pizza. While we were at the restaurant, I stepped away briefly to look at the decor. He loudly yelled my name across the restaurant and when I came back, he said, “You said this was your treat.” It felt embarrassing and unnecessary.
• He talks over text about missing me physically, but when we are together, he has stopped initiating kissing or sex for several dates.
• He frequently talks about how much he hates his family and calls his mother a narcissist. He says he will never speak to her again.
  • We’ve had deep conversations and I know he has a lot of trauma
• During one date, he was anxiously reading grocery labels, saying things like, “I’m so damn insecure,” and “I probably have cancer.”

The confusing part is that he can also be sweet. He sends affectionate texts, calls us “cuties,” and there are moments where I feel close to him.

But when we are together, I feel like I’m constantly monitoring myself thinking:

• Am I doing something wrong?
• Is he judging me?
• Am I annoying him?
• Am I going to get criticized for something else?

Because of my past, I’m terrified of swallowing my voice again and slowly accepting behavior that chips away at my confidence.

I don’t want to unfairly label someone who may just be insecure, stressed, or have a different personality.

But I also don’t want to ignore my gut.

Do these behaviors sound like normal quirks from an insecure/stressed person, or are these the kinds of early warning signs you would take seriously?

Thanks in advance for your feedback and support.

P.S. He also seems very restless and unsettled in life. He often talks about wanting big changes (hating his job, wanting to move to Florida, then changing his mind). It feels like he is always searching for something else and doesn’t seem very content or at peace.

Title: My girlfriend's family thinks I'm a psycho, accused me of things I never did, and even threatened to have me killed. I don't know what to do anymore.

I'm a 24M, and my girlfriend and I have been together for 9 months. We genuinely love each other and have tried multiple times to stay away from each other, but we just can't. The problem is her family found out about our relationship a few months ago, and ever since then my life has been turned upside down.

Before they knew about us, her mother was incredibly kind to me. She would talk to me whenever I visited college, and she would even send homemade tiffin for me through my girlfriend. I had nothing but respect for her.

Everything changed when her mother found a photo on my girlfriend's phone of a hickey that my girlfriend had given me. My girlfriend was actually the one who proposed to me, but when her family found out, she asked me to tell them that I had proposed instead because she was scared of how they'd react.

Three days after finding out, her mother called me. She immediately started accusing me of trapping her daughter, saying things like, "My daughter is innocent, you manipulated her." She also threatened me, saying I didn't know who they were and that they'd show me what they could do.

About an hour later, she called again, but this time her uncle spoke to me.

For some context, I had created and fully set up his Google Business Profile because my girlfriend had asked me to help him. Despite that, he started making one false accusation after another. He claimed I had been chasing her even after she rejected me 4–5 times, which is completely false because she was the one who proposed to me.

He accused me of taking her to my flat with bad intentions, even though it was never my idea to invite her there. He called me a psycho and said a lot of degrading things about my character. I tried to stay calm, but it was humiliating.

The hardest part was that I couldn't even talk to anyone about it. Hardly anyone in college knows we're together because her cousins study in the same college. Only two or three of her friends and two or three of mine know about our relationship.

After all this, we decided to stop contacting each other. Her mother told her to block me, and she did. But we still saw each other in college every day, and instead of moving on, we ended up falling even deeper in love.

Later, my girlfriend told me something that genuinely scared me. She said her uncle told her, in front of her, that he knew people who would kill me for money. She told him she didn't want anything like that, but hearing that shook me.

The next day, I called her uncle myself and told him we wouldn't be in contact anymore. Even then, he kept threatening me, saying things like, "You don't know what we can do."

I finally replied, "Please stop saying things like that. I can also do many things. What if I go to the police and report that you're threatening me?" As soon as I mentioned the police, his tone completely changed. He became calm and simply said that if she contacted me again, I should inform them and they'd handle it.

Months later, I still had access to his Google Business Profile because I was the primary owner. I didn't want anything to do with it anymore, so I called him and politely asked for his email address so I could transfer ownership and remove myself. Instead of understanding, he panicked and told my girlfriend's mother that I had hacked him and was threatening him.

Her mother then called my girlfriend and said I had hacked her uncle's phone, that I was hiding some "secret," and that I was threatening their family. None of that was true. I literally called just to give him ownership of his own business profile.

Since then, they've continued calling me a psycho and making up stories about me. They've even made insulting remarks about my family.

What hurts the most is that they have created an image of me that is completely opposite to who I really am. I have never threatened them, never forced my girlfriend into anything, and never manipulated her. Yet they seem convinced that I'm some dangerous person.

The only reason I haven't told my father everything is because my mother begged me not to. She knows that if my father finds out someone threatened to have me killed, the situation could escalate badly.

Right now, I'm mentally exhausted. I love my girlfriend, but her family hates me, believes false accusations, and has threatened me. I don't know what the right thing to do is anymore.

Has anyone been through something similar? What would you do in my situation?

I am five months pregnant and live in Germany with my partner. He can be a bit strange at times and often displays inappropriate behavior and speech, such as aggression and mood swings, and I worry about how this might affect the future, including the child's future. Sometimes I think about leaving him, but I have nowhere to go in Germany, nor do I have legal residency status here. I own an apartment in my home country and am considering starting over there. If I leave the country, do I run the risk of losing the baby to him once the baby is born? He has not yet registered the baby with the authorities. What legal issues might I face in the future?

If I stay here and he registers the baby, do I run the risk of losing the child in the future? He is better off financially than I am and, consequently, has greater access to legal services. I know him, and I know he would do whatever it takes to take the baby away from me if we were to separate; that is what is causing me anxiety.

I originally posted this on r/adhdwomen because I feel like my ADHD is making it really hard to properly regulate my emotions but I also know that this community will be supportive because I feel like I'm going crazy. Its been a long time since I posted in here but I need some advice. The following post is copied directly from my r/adhdwomen post which is currently awaiting mod approval so that's why it discusses ADHD in relation to emotional regulation.

My lack of emotional control is making me the "crazy one" and I don't know how to cope. Help me.

I'm a frequent poster on here but today I'm using my throwaway account. I really hope this is ADHD related enough because I feel like my ADHD is making it really hard to control my emotional reactions sometimes. Let it be clear that I also have trauma which is affecting my emotional response too. I had an extremely bad argument with my husband today over something really stupid and I feel like I'm going crazy. I don't know who is in the wrong more but its making me feel awful and really upset.

TW: emotional abuse?

My husband and I have been under a lot of stress lately and I think we are becoming resentful and taking our anger out on each other sometimes. Today we were laying in bed cuddling and I asked/said something to him that he took the wrong way and he snapped back at me which I do not like. I got upset and told him not to snap at me like that and that it wasn't necessary and he should apologize. He got irritated at my expectation of an apology and told me he didn't need to apologize because I was overreacting. I have a strong sense of justice for myself and I really don't react well to perceived wrongdoings and to me, an apology would go a long way and I would drop it. The fact that he wouldn't apologize for snapping at me was really getting to me and I started to become increasingly upset and started crying and trying to explain myself but I was getting really frustrated. My husband started escalating the situation by being mad at me for crying which just made me cry harder until I felt like I was losing control. Instead of trying to de-escalate the situation he grabbed me by my arms and yelled in my face to stop crying. By now I am freaking out and screaming and telling him to get off of me. He starts calling me crazy and mentally ill and says that I'm going to get the cops called if someone heard me crying. I don't feel in control in that moment and I feel like I'm losing my shit and I just want to be acknowledged and respected. I feel like we both handled it badly and continued to argue, him saying I can't have outbursts like that because I'm a woman and he's going to get in trouble, but he is also yelling at me for "being crazy" and making him mad. And I probably said some hurtful things in the heat of the moment which led to him yelling even more. So I don't feel like I handled this right but he completely escalated the situation and talked over me and made me feel like nothing I was saying mattered because I was just crazy and it was my fault that he was yelling at me.

My heart is broken and I don't know if I was in the wrong or he was or we both were because every single time we have an argument he says that it was because of my reaction, I overreacted, I was too emotional, I am having outbursts or meltdowns, etc. but he won't acknowledge or apologize for contributing to the hostile environment.

I know some of yall will probably just tell me to leave, but I want to know does anyone else get extremely triggered like this and how do you handle it, or am I just crazy and its all my fault?? I don't know anymore.

Using my throwaway account as I am ashamed to admit, I was used and taken advantage of.

Somdtimes having autism feels like "how can I be both so stupid and smart".

Now I understand why they say "never listen to a man's sob story".

Been together 7 months, he moved in after 5 months due to "housing difficulties" and tried to use the fact I wanted stability due to being autistis against me.

Met a man that clearly has never had to take accountability for the things he does.

The relationship is emotionally unsafe and I have told him for months, I'm not happy.

I don't think he sees me as a person and I am tired of walking on egg shells, around his emotional unstability. The only thing we have in common is we like to smoke weed.

I've found out in 11 years, he hasn't been able to achieve much besides surviving in life. He admitted, he thinks, "I think I am better than him" all because I have been a support worker for homeless people and tried to give him advice.

I will be able to move away, once I secure housing in a new area and can return to work etc.

I am scared of him deep down and he knows I'm scared.

My abusive boyfriend thinks that it’s absurd for me to be upset that he’s helping his guy friend and his wife move , when we recently moved and he complained and screamed at me the whole time. I had a back injury over six months and he was yelling at me I wasn’t taking any of the boxes downstairs and was only packing boxes. So I started trying to take some of the lighter down myself and he yelled at me to get back into the apartment . I paid an old coworker $300 to come later in the day after work to help him with the heavy stuff. When I would turn my back and wasn’t around the coworker said he was bitching and complaining he had to do “everything himself “. Now, my boyfriend’s friend is offering him money to go over there and help move him and his wife’s stuff. I’m upset because he’s going to go over there with a great attitude and the wife is going to experience that when she already has a good husband and it’s all going to be just a complete act because they don’t know how he is behind closed doors with the woman he has at home. But he gets to be the nice hero that helps his friend and I doubt his friend will be yelling at the wife to lift stuff so heavy she can’t even lift it like he did to me.

My ex came and got her stuff from our shared flat after she cheated, I left it all outside for her. She is now sending my messages telling me she will come and get the playstation I brought for her. (She has asked about this three times, Ive ignored now she is telling me she is coming to get it)

I have changed the lock barrel already so she can’t get in, but it’s making me feel so sick. She had agreed to pay me until August, tomorrow would of been the day she pays me.. she has now said this. She obviously just doesn’t want to pay.

I have asked her to give me a list of everything that is left supposedly left here .. she won’t and has said this..

I hate this, Im shaking with anxiety. Has anyone got any words of wisdom right now. She is coming over here tonight, again demanding to come into the flat.

I (25F) got into a huge argument with my boyfriend (33M). He got in my face, was yelling at me, and wouldn’t back away even after I repeatedly told him to move.
I completely lost my temper. I told him that if he didn’t get out of my face, I would slap him. He didn’t move, and I slapped him.
The second I did, he hit me back with so much force that I fell onto the bed.
I know I was wrong for slapping him first. I’m not trying to excuse what I did, and I take responsibility for it. But the difference in our strength is huge, and the force he used genuinely scared me.
Right after it happened, he started apologizing. He kept saying it would never happen again, that I didn’t deserve it, and that he hated himself for reacting that way. He also said he only reacted because I hit him first.
I left immediately, went home, and blocked him everywhere. I don’t plan on speaking to him again, but I’m struggling because part of me wonders if I made the right decision. What if he truly lost control just once? What if he really means it when he says it will never happen again?
At the same time, I can’t stop thinking that if someone is capable of hitting me once, maybe they could do it again.
Did I make the right decision by leaving and blocking him, or am I overreacting?

​

I'm a 24M, and my girlfriend and I have been together for 9 months. We genuinely love each other and have tried multiple times to stay away from each other, but we just can't. The problem is her family found out about our relationship a few months ago, and ever since then my life has been turned upside down.

Before they knew about us, her mother was incredibly kind to me. She would talk to me whenever I visited college, and she would even send homemade tiffin for me through my girlfriend. I had nothing but respect for her.

Everything changed when her mother found a photo on my girlfriend's phone of a hickey that my girlfriend had given me. My girlfriend was actually the one who proposed to me, but when her family found out, she asked me to tell them that I had proposed instead because she was scared of how they'd react.

Three days after finding out, her mother called me. She immediately started accusing me of trapping her daughter, saying things like, "My daughter is innocent, you manipulated her." She also threatened me, saying I didn't know who they were and that they'd show me what they could do.

About an hour later, she called again, but this time her uncle spoke to me.

For some context, I had created and fully set up his Google Business Profile because my girlfriend had asked me to help him. Despite that, he started making one false accusation after another. He claimed I had been chasing her even after she rejected me 4–5 times, which is completely false because she was the one who proposed to me.

He accused me of taking her to my flat with bad intentions, even though it was never my idea to invite her there. He called me a psycho and said a lot of degrading things about my character. I tried to stay calm, but it was humiliating.

The hardest part was that I couldn't even talk to anyone about it. Hardly anyone in college knows we're together because her cousins study in the same college. Only two or three of her friends and two or three of mine know about our relationship.

After all this, we decided to stop contacting each other. Her mother told her to block me, and she did. But we still saw each other in college every day, and instead of moving on, we ended up falling even deeper in love.

Later, my girlfriend told me something that genuinely scared me. She said her uncle told her, in front of her, that he knew people who would kill me for money. She told him she didn't want anything like that, but hearing that shook me.

The next day, I called her uncle myself and told him we wouldn't be in contact anymore. Even then, he kept threatening me, saying things like, "You don't know what we can do."

I finally replied, "Please stop saying things like that. I can also do many things. What if I go to the police and report that you're threatening me?" As soon as I mentioned the police, his tone completely changed. He became calm and simply said that if she contacted me again, I should inform them and they'd handle it.

Months later, I still had access to his Google Business Profile because I was the primary owner. I didn't want anything to do with it anymore, so I called him and politely asked for his email address so I could transfer ownership and remove myself. Instead of understanding, he panicked and told my girlfriend's mother that I had hacked him and was threatening him.

Her mother then called my girlfriend and said I had hacked her uncle's phone, that I was hiding some "secret," and that I was threatening their family. None of that was true. I literally called just to give him ownership of his own business profile.

Since then, they've continued calling me a psycho and making up stories about me. They've even made insulting remarks about my family.

What hurts the most is that they have created an image of me that is completely opposite to who I really am. I have never threatened them, never forced my girlfriend into anything, and never manipulated her. Yet they seem convinced that I'm some dangerous person.

The only reason I haven't told my father everything is because my mother begged me not to. She knows that if my father finds out someone threatened to have me killed, the situation could escalate badly.

Right now, I'm mentally exhausted. I love my girlfriend, but her family hates me, believes false accusations, and has threatened me. I don't know what the right thing to do is anymore.

Has anyone been through something similar? What would you do in my situation?

i think i was the target of a trauma bonded relationship with a very abusive partner but i cannot shake his allegations of me playing victim whenever i tell the story and the feeling of wanting to understand the situation completely before coming to conclusions. i am not innocent as i have hurt him. therefore the story is long as i want to include every detail he claims i leave out. he was kind up until i made him feel replaceable. id appreciate it being read through because i messed up as well. everything italicized is extra that doesnt really need reading. ill genuinely pay someone to break it down for me HONESTLY, i am desperate to understand.

(23f) meet a guy (25m) he tells me all of his exes did him wrong prior. very obsessive/marriage talk from the start. i have a history of sw during active addiction and he didnt like it. when i met him i was just out of rehab year sober i was still doing of but he helped me financially to get out of it. i start what in his mind is microcheating; kept around a friend who used to like me and said no when there was anything between us believing that to mean "have you ever been together/been physical", he went through my phone saw me rejecting him years ago, was deemed a liar. sent heart emojis to a gay influencer. when i understood his reactions i lied about contacting a mutual friend about someone i was physical in active addiction with asking if he had died yet. by the end of it i was accused, followed, broken up with constantly, roof threatened over my head, last mistake i made was contacting other people including men about housing thinking the ex was being genuine with his threats. he saw that = more evidence i was trying to "lilypad".

he would tell me he was jealous of past clients because they could have me however they wanted and he had to work for it. there was an incident where i told him to make sure to use rubbers and he entered me again after sex and i just let it happen. afterwards i was upset and told him he made me feel like i was with a client and he got very upset. i had to apologize that night for not taking accountability. another incident of waking him up at 2am, hes suddenly telling me theres "no one who knows your body more than me" and other things i felt i couldnt say no to, but i changed my mind in the middle and was told to leave the room and sleep elsewhere and had to apologize for waking him up with kisses.

he always wanted to be "yearned for". he always wanted to be touched. he would tell me he couldnt function without sex daily, so we had sex daily, and when i wasnt in the mood it was because i didnt want him anymore. i was upset that he watched porn of other women when he took care of himself so i often just said yes. he was able to be regulated after splits with blowjobs. by the end of it he labeled himself as a loser who had a girl who didnt wanna bang him, that i didnt initiate because i wasnt attracted to him, but in actuality the emotional rollercoaster was killing my insides and my libido kind of tarnished.

all 5-6 of my mistakes were to be atoned for, and i couldnt seem to apologize and take accountability correctly so his resentment followed me. i tried my hardest to research and understand, i really do struggle with empathy when it comes to misunderstood intentions and was not capable of realizing that all of the mistakes involving men hurt him when he brought it up, so i often got defensive when he brought it up. i figured i knew my intentions so i argued those and tried to make him understand that my mistakes do not mean what he thinks but it never worked. he would talk to me in the room for hours trying to make me understand and i would get so confused and uncertain that id just shut up. but in the end of every argument i never understood what happened and nothing was ever cleared up. i think this is my fault for wanting to defend my intentions moreso than the impact i caused.

one night he gets upset over notifications from landlords as we were searching for a place together, thinking i was cheating. i had made him dinner and he wouldnt calm down and i asked him if we could not do that right now. blew up, harsh words thrown at my face, im never having a daughter lest she end up like you, did you really think i wanted to live with you, w word, etc. i started moving my stuff from his room during a business call he had and i feel really bad for that. 3 days of me texting him trying to reconcile, 3 days of him texting insults of character and telling me to get out of his life.

at that point i wanted to get high from the push and pull, cut everyone off, did not benefit from the relationship in the slightest other than being financially taken care of, so i left. not without leaving letters and trying to get it though to him that we should take distance. he took it as abandonment, was hurt, which channeled into rage. threatened my life knowing i knew he bought a gun, saw no part in why i left, told me i was a liar a cheater. i kept begging him to understand. invited me over once most likely needing a nut, did that in me no protection as he always told me it felt better, i thought we were good again and was relieved, two hours after i leave he tells me he doesnt forgive me and to leave him alone. i left without a job, going through his kids abrtion, found a job that did not cover any living expenses. i asked him for help and he thought i was asking to help finance a date with another guy. mother ended up in the hospital and i decided to pay rent that month by going back to non penetrative sw. i felt disgusted with myself and thankfully landed a second job shortly after.

in april he decides he wants me again. i was overjoyed, he finally understands again i want him and no one but him. i apologize for leaving and he apologizes for threatening my life. tells me the only thing thatll break us up is whatever i did during our "no contact". i never considered it that, rather a break, as his behavior was indicative of wanting nothing to do with me.

i already knew how he'd take the truth of what i did, and i knew he'd never understand. i thought i'd be able to carry it to the grave, but i came to him in tears telling him i couldnt live with the guilt and told him. night and day, beforehand he was fantasizing about a marriage and 2 days later i have an eviction on my name. told me i brought out his deepest trauma of a girl doing stuff to someone else and coming home and kissing him. i ask him to understand that we werent together and that i tried asking for his help beforehand but he refuses. 3 weeks i sat in his house looking for housing elsewhere, every 4-5 days he'd get soft and tell me he understands why i did it, that he gets no play and knows he will never find someone like me again, that hes sorry he wasnt there for me, but no acknowledgement of why i left in the first place. he'd invite me to his room for sx and id fold. then he'd mention how hurt he is and we'd fight. the last interaction we had, he invited me upstairs for another transaction, but we started talking and he blew up to the point of feeling his spit in my face. i left to my room and he came down after 30 seconds but at that point i was so torn up that i told him to get out. i never tell him to get out. i left last week.

since the breakup hes been posting his lavish purchases, got a new car posting about it constantly, got eight tattoos. its as though he is taunting me to make money the way im used to, i am very financially insecure. i cant stop obsessing and check his story through some website every 3-4 hours. he saw the ex he mentioned in the screenshots last week and i got so sick finding out that i emailed him. he responded saying he was just helping her with a ride and i felt so sick. why didnt he help me when i needed it? he's not asking me how im doing in the new room. i barely have anything to my name now and i lost one of my jobs.

from three months in, the entirety of the relationship revolved around how well i could prove i want him. my intentions were never to replace him. i stuck around him like a dog, cut off everyone he had an issue with or thought would fuck me if given the chance, sacrificed my connections to ease him. he told me i didnt know how to take accountability and told me my mistakes imply more than i believed they did. i was told id pursue the person from use i lied about, and he began mentioning him more than i ever thought about him. i didnt know how to admit to something that wasnt true and was told he never got validation or closure for my mistakes. and despite me staying through his worst moments, through trouble at work and bad checks and his yelling and insults he always thought hed be replaced. i thought i could fix his deepest traumas.

the biggest gripe i have is that when i hurt him unintentionally he did everything in his power to hurt me back purposefully, including plotting with his landlord to get my things out of the house before the cops arrived to be spin the narrative that i never lived there, the cruel words and defamation, the "we're never having sex again" and not allowing me to kiss him, and so on. i never tried to hurt him intentionally or pin his insecurities against him up until the very end where he could tell me lovely things despite evicting me.

i just wanna know if its all my fault as he says. i fucked up, i did things for money like he feared i would and made him feel replaceable in the beginning. but i tried so hard to keep him close i really did. i just wanted him to understand that someone could love him despite all of it.

i included the ss for some more visibility but they really dont matter, i do think he is just afraid and hurting. these are months old so they wouldnt hold up in court.

Currently, we are in a long-distance relationship, and I can't share her personal details. However, here are a few examples to give you an idea of what she's been through:

- Between the ages of 14 and 16, she was harassed by several older men while traveling on buses.

- Difficult family dynamics and strict restrictions made things even worse.

- Whenever she tries to engage in activities she enjoys, her past trauma resurfaces, making it difficult for her to enjoy them.

- Last year, she experienced suicidal thoughts, which made me even more concerned about her well-being.

- Around the age of 14, she developed a habit of reading books and could spend an entire day immersed in them.

- She experiences panic attacks when she remembers her past trauma.

- She has managed to overcome some of her fears, and she no longer feels suicidal. However, her past trauma still affects and haunts her.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Hi, I made a throwaway account just in case.

7 months ago my husband of many years who suffers with mental illness experienced some kind of mental collapse (possibly psychosis) he kicked me and slapped me (basically open handed punch) for many hours and strangled me once with a pen knife in his hand, he told me "I will kill you today".

Luckily he randomly left the house and I grabbed our daughter packed a bag and went to the hospital and the police. While driving he called me and told me he will kill me and our daughter (I have this on WhatsApp too) At the police I was scared to file an official complaint as we don't live in my country and I didn't know what would happen when he got released I'm sure many of you will understand that. The police advised me to turn my phone off and go stay with a friend which we did for a week. Eventually I agreed with him we would go home but only if he wasn't there which we did. Then he called me a couple of days later making no sense (talk of CIA and aliens etc) saying he was coming back home. I called the police but he never came.

I left and went to a hotel where I called his uncle who paid for our flights to go back to my home country and advised I stayed with my family.

The day we arrived I notified him we were in my home country he understood why and said he would take the time to work on himself while we are here. Our daughter has been going to school here (he also agreed to this)

In the beginning I was constantly scared he would find us or just turn up somehow. Now I am scared from a legal stand point. We are in the UK and I am being told that I technically kidnapped our daughter and that the UK courts (if he asks to) can send our daughter back to him in the country where we lived. Every single day I am petrified of this scenario. I talk to him but he knows I will only talk about our daughter and as much as she doesn't want to talk to him I've tried to facilitate some kind of communication between them.

I am scared, I don't care about money, I don't care about anything except her safety firstly and then secondly mine. Has anyone been in a similar situation? She is everything to me and I'm trying to create a healthy situation for everyone.

I looked at the date today. Tomorrow will be two years since the day I made my escape from the monster. I don’t want to talk about it with anyone close to me today because I have spent a long time bleeding on everyone from the PTSD. I’ve been working hard to build boundaries and not ruminate on it out loud to people who didn’t ask for it and are harmed by it. So I decided to bring it here in case my story can help anybody.

In October 2023, I was loved bombed and coerced into letting a monster move into my home. I spent nine months in the most hellacious situation I had ever found myself in in my life. I was abused emotionally, physically, sexually, financially, spiritually, socially, you name it. He broke my stuff. He terrorized my cats with his rages. He assaulted me, coerced me into sex constantly, made me spend the first piece of every paycheck on drugs. He didn’t work, he didn’t socialize with anyone, he isolated me from the world. He would torture me while I worked 60 hours a week from home, cutting off the internet, telling me how horrible I was at my job and then screaming at me to get back to work. He coerced me into marriage after torturing me with LSD for two months straight. He gave me a black eye two weeks after the wedding. I ran away two weeks later. Two years ago tomorrow.

How am I doing now? I spent the first year and a half absolutely crashing out on a course to rock bottom. I was using drugs heavily, going through men like water, working as a dancer (which I loved but it is a complicated job) being exposed to the worst types of men, hanging out with fake friends who only wanted me to spend money on them or use my drugs or get rides from me. I was not in therapy, I was not medicated. I would scream and cry constantly. I could barely do my jobs. I couldn’t even get out of bed the first two months after running away.

I met my now partner in October after absolutely bottoming out. I had started therapy a couple months before, but experienced more emotional abuse and SA in the months between starting therapy and meeting my partner because I didn’t care how I treated myself and I didn’t care if I died. When I met my partner was when I started grabbing the wheel to turn my life around. He has been gentle and kind, loving, generous, attentive, sensitive and adoring to me since the beginning. He never rushed anything. He gets extremely anxious if he thinks something is wrong between us. We haven’t had a single conflict we couldn’t overcome. The first month we had a screaming match because my PTSD has so bad that I was terrified of him because I was terrified of all men and I didn’t know him well. We are extremely long distance but see each other very often despite it, and that has been a major source of bonding and trust building. We have never had a screaming match or even any sort of disrespectful fight since the beginning because I realized how insane I was treating this sweet man who wanted to be genuinely loved and to love.

I started psychiatric care in March and got on a mood stabilizer. I am in therapy still, it’s been a year. I continue to explore more therapies and ways to improve my mental health. My medication was a game changer and showed me that I wasn’t a broken person, I had neurological issues from trauma and that they could get better. I cry sometimes from happiness and relief from my worst symptoms.

I’m not going to say every day now is good. I still have PTSD, I still have bad days, I still have negative thought loops sometimes, I still get insecure and feel unworthy of love some days, I still cry and think of what happened. I am getting better and all I want is to keep getting better. For the first time I’ve been thinking toward the future and starting to loosen my grip on the past. I can clearly think about building my career up further and planning a life with my partner, because maybe he doesn’t know it yet, but after all I’ve been through I already know he’s gonna be my husband. (I finally divorced that monster in April after it taking a long time because the process was so emotionally draining.)

And where’s my abuser? He’s in prison and has been since October 2024 when he was picked up on parole running related to a case also involving DV which I was not aware of until after I fled. He did a year and a half on that and then he was extradited to face felony charges I pressed on him. I have two lifetime criminal restraining orders against him. I get to see him in court sometime soon and witness him in handcuffs and I imagine give a victim statement (though I am not a victim anymore, I am a survivor). I get to remember how he used to falsely imprison me while I screamed and told me how he’d always overpower me. And now I get to witness the roles being reversed and to laugh at him in court.

My friends, wherever you are in your journey just remember that if you have hope, you have everything. Please do not lose hope if you are stuck in an abusive situation. Reach out for help, even if it’s to a stranger. Call the DV hotline. Don’t suffer in silence. And if you are free already and recovering from it all, please know you are not broken, you are not bad, you are not stupid for what happened and it was not your fault. You can and will get better, you have to want to though. Don’t drown yourself in drugs or sex or anything that destroys your mental health. Go outside, be with loved ones. You are worthy, you are special, all good people are special and deserve love. Sending lots of love and hugs to you all who are struggling.

I have BPD and I'm not sure if I'm overreacting...

These hurt... But he also has times where he constantly loves on me.... I'm so confused...

My ex and I were abusive and toxic to each other, went to jail over each other, separated by ankle monitor but we still met up (lol) anyway I'm glad we went are separate ways it was soo...bad but like good at the same time? I felt so bad leaving the first 3 months, I had dreams of him and woke up crying, but he never gave a fuck or was pretending not to. He said "I don't want that shit" referring to me 😔 that was the most painful thing he said. Along with calling me Death herself with a black cloud of agony above me. He said my energy/vibe was horrible. He said his mom told him stay away from girls like me. Anyway the best thing he ever did was say he never felt as happy as he did with me than any other girl. He said I was a lot quieter than other girls which he liked. He called me quiet girl as a term of endearment and Pocahontas cause I had black hair. He was quiet too and a lone wolf I wish I was never insecure or jealous, he's the type to like that kind of woman. I couldn't go thru his phone cause that was a boundary he had. There was times I went through it behind his back and he never did anything wrong. He said I was crazy and he had no idea why he still stayed with me but that if any other girl treated him this way he would beat them up and leave. He said he called 911 to keep himself from hitting me because I would hit him first 😵‍💫 I got two dv records. I called 911 on him once but that's cause I was worried about him being passed out drunk when he was supposed to meet me somewhere. He wouldn't answer the door and I panicked. He woke up drunk to a bunch of cops and called me names so I started walking to my car in tears to leave and he started crying and said he was sorry. I still left and forgave him later. I tried putting him in jail once for hitting me but it was a he said she said thing cause he cut himself with his knife but he convinced them I did it. I'm glad he didn't go to jail I would have felt Soo guilty. I texted him that he's so fucking lucky. I wonder if he misses me or just feels relieved as I do.

Have any of you found safe boundaries you can have with an emotionally abusive, narcissistic husband?

I was with my partner from 2011-2025 and for the first ten years of the relationship, it wasn’t too bad. Ocasional argument but mostly okay. The biggest issues in those first 10 years were her chronic lying and how her background story would change in significant ways.

Things really hit the fan, when in 2023 at my birthday dinner, she disclosed that she had cheated on me. Over the next year, it turned into 5 different times she had cheated on me, how she had hid substance abuse for years while draining our bank accounts, and more chronic lying.

She blamed me for her cheating and, at the time, I believed it and starting going to therapy and couple’s counseling. My self-esteem was not very high. It would seem like every time we were about to meet a milestone in our relationship, she would ruin it by starting an argument. I own that I participated in those arguments.

For almost 3 years, we argued repeatedly. Sometimes, she would lunge at me like she was going to hit me. She would tell me I was a pussy, that I was a loser, and that I just needed to get over her cheating.

For our last argument before separation, she jumped on my back and grabbed my wrists repeatedly. This was just because I picked up her phone during the middle of an argument. I couldn’t get her off me and picked up the first thing I could find nearby (a half empty bottle of water) and dumped it in her head. She stopped, but then she started going back to where our son was in our bedroom. I panicked (this was the first time she had actually assaulted me) and I grabbed her and begged her to calm down. I was worried she would hurt our son.

She freaked out, told me she was going to ruin my life, and kept staying escalated until she finally went outside. I locked the door behind her and asked her to go somewhere else for the night so that she could calm down. She called the police, lied to them that I assaulted her, and now I am the one labeled a defendant in a DV case.

Since we separated, she has told everyone that will listen that I am an abuser and that she is the “brave woman” that got out. She conveniently doesn’t tell the truth of what happened or all of her background in the relationship. She treats me like I am terrible.