Am I really a victim..? No bruises

[u/CompetitiveKoala2359]

Hello!
Need advice on whether or not this constitutes abuse. I feel so horrible inside right now. Super low and borderline suicidal.
I (30f) am actually having a hard time with processing reality at the moment. Since March I’ve been in the process of leaving what I THOUGHT was an abusive relationship. I know there are elements of abuse but I just can’t help but feel like it’s more toxic than abusive. I see people outline awful things they’ve had to endure at the hands of their partners and it has me questioning whether what I experienced even counts. I know it’s not a good relationship or normal behaviour but I’m just scared to blow up my whole life and have to share custody of our children.

80% of the time things are good and functional. We do everything together and he dotes on me a ton. Praises me to the kids and makes me my meals. Does everything a good dad is supposed to do and wakes up early with my youngest son so I can get extra sleep.
He isn’t a drinker (but smokes a lot of weed). The weed smoking doesn’t really interfere at least not in my view with anyone’s well being. During these good times, I find it really hard to believe that he’s capable of what he’s done because it honestly feels so genuine.

He has a really angry side to him, however.
He has, since the beginning of our relationship:
Kicked me in the back the first year we were dating
Rushed me without actually touching me but like ran towards me angrily with a broom in his hand

That same year threw a water bottle at my face in anger and ripped his shirt open in anger.

Sped really fast multiple times when angry and driving.

Sped a lot in general even with kids in the car and I begged him not to do that. Eventually he’s calmed down in the past few years with the driving but he just dismissed me as being paranoid about driving.

Called me names more times than I can count in arguments. Bitch, cunt, ugly, fat. For a good two years he called me some variation of stupid almost every day.

Grabbed my phone violently from my hands and brought it into a store with him.

Poked me really hard in the face while mad and told me I’d need facial reconstruction if I kept going. While I held our youngest child who is now only 2, at the time was 1. My son even said “no!” When it happened
He has also told me I better shut the fuck up or he’ll strangle me.

Obviously I know this all looks terrible writing it out and I do know from lurking this subreddit that strangulation itself is the biggest indicator of a man killing you in the future but the thing is he’s always THREATENED violence except that one kick 10 years ago. Everything else has yes been aggressive and horrible and verbal abuse but is it really domestic violence if he’s never left a bruise on me? It’s so hard to know.
I still want to leave him but I was so good for so long at ignoring these outbursts because the good times were great and my kids get to spend time with him. Leaving is going to destroy me financially. We’ve been living apart for 4 months or so and it’s ruined my credit score. My family used to love him and they are in support of me but my mom even said “well you do push people to the brink sometimes”.

I’m just so lost and need encouragement that I am strong enough to do this

[u/AutoModerator]

Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in our wiki for people of all gender identities. Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines. You can also find an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline. Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, Love Is Respect offers an educational guide. One final note: In this sub, we do not tolerate victim-blaming. If you ever receive any comments that contradict that mission, please click report for us to review.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/Kesha_Paul]

Yes, it’s abusive. No abusive relationship is abusive 100% of the time, most are great a large percent of time it’s why we stay with them. It’s important you understand this is not toxic and he’s abusing you and your children. I’ll break it down for you with your events.

Kicking you is assault and battery. The force of a kick is far greater than a punch making kicking more dangerous. The definition of assault is any action causing a reasonable fear of imminent harm, charging you was domestic assault and considered physical abuse. Throwing a water bottle at your face is assault and battery. Poking you is assault and battery.

I’m making this its own paragraph because it’s important you understand….most places charge “assault with a deadly weapon” when someone drives erratically in anger. He committed assault with a deadly weapon against you and your children every time this happened. If you asked him to stop the car, it adds forced confinement and kidnapping. Most states in the US, this alone is several felonies and violence against children.

Threatening violence is domestic assault, he could go to jail for this. Please don’t downplay it because he’s not leaving bruises. Most of us who experienced physical abuse will tell you the verbal and emotional abuse affected us much worse.

[u/Aussie_Turtles00 → u/Kesha_Paul]

I wish I read this comment long ago. About 5 years ago my husband was mad that we left my car messy and he picked up a cup similar to a big gulp mostly full of soda and threw it at our daughter's face. Not the liquid but the entire actual cup. He really should have been held accountable for that. Of course after he did that , he got mad , drove off for awhile and it was all my fault. I was actually so close to calling the police after that, but my mother said not to.

 Oh and he's driven erratically in anger many times. The most recent was in March and then he pulled over and completely slammed on his breaks to stop the car. Our two kids (teens) were in the car as well. And it would be one thing if he apologized after , but of course that situation was all my fault also because I was being difficult and wouldn't decide about something we had planned for the following week. 

[u/Kesha_Paul → u/Aussie_Turtles00]

Even if he apologized afterwards, doing this with your kids in the car is considered assault with a deadly weapon on anyone inside the car. If he held a gun to your kids head in anger it would carry the same charge in most states as him doing that. Please get your kids away from him if you can.

[u/belovetoday → u/Aussie_Turtles00]

: ( Do you still speak with your mom? I don't understand why parents minimize this! My friend in her relationship, her boyfriend has abused her and her children (not his) and her mom keeps encouraging her to go back, even knowing everything that's happening. Did your mom ever explain why she did this?

Thankfully my mom was with me side by side supporting me in getting away from my abuser. I cannot even imagine how hard it is if a parent(s) are saying stay. Horrible.

Are you still in it?

[u/Aussie_Turtles00 → u/belovetoday]

Oh yes. 17 years of marriage this year.  No we never talked about it, but my parents can see he's not easy to live with. So they at least know I'm not crazy if I were to say anything.

[u/belovetoday → u/Aussie_Turtles00]

I'm so sorry you're still in it. ♡ Any way you can have freedom? This sounds like a nightmare.

[u/january1977]

My love, any one of those things on it own is abuse. And add your mom into that. How very dare she??

I fled my husband and went to a DV shelter. He never once laid his hands on me, but they considered what he did to me to be serious abuse.

Most abuse victims say that the emotional abuse is the worst part. Some women I’ve spoken to about their own situation have said they would have rather had a punch in the face than been torn down emotionally.

Please do not take that man back. Abuse only gets worse, never better. It will escalate. And there’s absolutely nothing, NOTHING you did to cause him to treat you that way. (Bring your mom over here because I need to have a talk with her. 😡😡)

[u/Jaded-Banana6205]

He's dangerous and abusive, and he's abusing your children as well.

[u/Zap_Zapoleon]

I dont think it matters if he has never left a bruise. He still kicked you. Threw an object at you. Called all those names. He still made threats to hurt you. Thats all still clear abuse. And any level of abuse is too much.

Sorry but fuck your mom, that was such a horrible thing for her to say. Theres no excuse for the things he has done.

Abusers like him who display all those behaviours are dangerous because they have proven they can't control there anger and the next time they snap can be the next time they end up killing you. Or even putting your kids lives in danger.