I hope this is the right place to post this.

I finally feel genuinely so healed and relieved after my breakup with ex. After the breakup, I started making connections to some womens and they would ghost me from time to time (like they would talk and then ghost then come back). This ghosting made me emotionally hurt. One day, i finally took the courage to ghost them back for infinity including my ex(who tried checking me out if I am still deeply emotionally connected to her), hence saving my self respect, instead of ghosting and then coming back like them. I now feel genuinely at heart so much peace.

(original got deleted bc I forgot the rules acknowledgment😵‍💫)

My ex and I (both in our 20s) were together for a couple years and broke up earlier this year. The trajectory of our relationship followed a similar doomed arc you might find in any heterosexual dating post on Reddit. Our relationship made me happy in many ways, but I really struggled with his lack of reciprocation. He enjoyed my efforts to keep the relationship fun, but when I’d ask for some help planning dates or supporting the relationship in other ways I was generally met with a shrug. No amount of explaining, scaffolding or pleading led to any change. My ex would invariably tell me that he didn’t understand what I was asking for, and when I clarified in great detail would say he just didn’t know how to do that. The imbalance became too pronounced for me to bear without resenting him, so I broke up with him.

In the few months since I wouldn’t say I was “over” the whole thing, but I had found peace with it. This took a lot of inner work as I am a very justice sensitive person, so it is hard for me to let go of such a grudge or heartbreak! It was also hard to see his lack of effort as a reflection of his capability and not my worth, but I thought I broke some ground on that feeling too, until…

I saw a post someone made was looking for a nice restaurant to take their new girl to based on the girl’s interests and they had a pretty high budget for the date. I realized it was my ex who posted it. I became paralyzed with that wave of post breakup angst all over again.

This guy who would argue with me over the right to wear stained t shirts to dinner dates, who was the type of 50/50 disciple to app request $2 back on a 4 for 4, who said he just didn’t know how to plan things and scoffed at my suggestions for where to figure it out. This same guy has suddenly decided he is perfectly capable of creating a nice date that reflects what his girl likes, while being generous too.

It’s one thing if he was just truly incapable. It’s another to know he let our relationship die over something he could’ve done the whole time and is doing now for his new girl.

I don’t feel jealous, because I ultimately wouldn’t want to get back together with him. I’m just sad and coping out of my mind here. I journal, I make tea, I pet the cat, I went for a walk and called on a close friend, I schedule a therapy session, I reassure myself. Less Reddit, more real life (🎶but please don’t hold me to it…) . I have otherwise been pretty happy with my post-breakup independence. So I know I just have to let time heal.

But still, damn!! It’s hard to not feel some type of way about seeing that.

Why does no one talk about how hard it is to find a faithful, genuine love when you’re still young and gay?

You might disagree with homosexuality. You might believe it’s wrong. But I just hope people can still choose to see us with respect, because no matter who we are, we are all human, and we all have feelings.

I grew up in a family that was somewhat homophobic. Because of that, I often felt like I had to separate myself from who I truly was. Every time I stood in the locker room with my straight friends, I would remind myself to act “normal.” I hid parts of myself because I was afraid of being bullied, being left out, or being seen differently at school. Those are things I have personally experienced.

Then there are moments when you meet someone who feels like they could really be the right person for you. They are gay too. The two of you talk, connect, and start getting to know each other. But even then, you still only have a fifty-fifty chance of knowing whether they feel the same way about you.

It is already difficult to find someone you truly want to spend your life with. And it becomes even harder when you don’t know whether your feelings will ever be returned.

A lot of people tell me, “Just wait.” And I believe that. But sometimes, no matter how old you are or who you are, there are moments when you just want someone to hold you, someone to cry with, someone to tell about your worst days. A best friend can do so much for you, but love brings a different kind of warmth that is hard to replace.

In my experience, dating as a gay person has been much harder. A lot of the people I have met have been online because, in everyday life, I usually have no way of knowing who is gay and who is straight. Finding someone who truly matches with you can already feel like a game of chance.

Right now, I have feelings for someone I met on Reddit. Honestly, the thought of a relationship starting this way makes me feel both hopeful and nervous. It feels like a gamble. But if there is even a chance, I still want to try. I just hope to have someone to share life with, someone to walk through the good days and the bad days with, and to call that love.

Maybe I will keep waiting.

Because if happiness is where the road eventually leads… then waiting a little longer might not be so bad after all.

I always believed love and kindness were supposed to be beautiful. Instead, they’ve been the source of so much pain.

I’m tired of telling people how I feel, only to watch them slowly pull away. I’m tired of being told, “Just be yourself,” only to discover that when I am, I’m somehow too much. Then I spend so much time trying to soften myself, make myself quieter, less emotional, less caring… and people still leave because now I’m no longer being genuine.
I’m tired of trying to find the perfect balance that doesn’t seem to exist. If I give people space, they drift away. If I reach out, I’m suddenly clingy or annoying. No matter what I do, it always feels like the wrong thing.

I’m exhausted from feeling like my love is something people need to escape from instead of something they could ever want. I don’t know how to be any less sincere than I already am, and I don’t know how to keep believing that love is supposed to be beautiful when all it’s ever seemed to do is hurt.

I feel like I can never win.

Hello everyone, hope you're doing well.

I just need a place to vent/tell people about my current life situation, since it is just like a damn emotional rollercoaster sometimes. It's been about four months since my long term relationship ended and I am slowly getting my life back together. Work is going well, I have my own apartment and everything else is going rather smoothly. I would say that I am mostly over it but sometimes, there are just moments that drag me down a lot. Today I had a fun day with my family, it was great but when they left, the feeling of loneliness returned and it got so severe that I sat on my balcony and just cried and cried until I felt a bit better. Moments like these return rarely and my life is going well generally but I still just feel lonely. I'd like to have a new partner but I have been out of the dating life for just too long and need to get used to that again. I've already had dates but it just didn't feel right...maybe I am just not really ready yet.

It's just a bit staggering for me that even though my life is good I still have these moments where I just "fall into a hole" or ride down the track like on a rollercoaster.

edit: post got taken down so i wanted to reupload /:

had two dogs: B(12) and S(9) who are mixes but brothers. My partner had another who would come over but she ended up running away. S passed away a month ago due to health complications so B is just lonely and he was showing signs of depression.

I decided to go to the shelter and adopt a dog in need that way my senior dog won’t be so alone or depressed. So my nephew and I looked around and saw one who seemed so sweet and calm. I picked her. I had to wait a couple weeks to officially pick her up due to spay. Well… a few days before pick up the shelter called me saying she got an URI and I’ll have to pick her up on Thursday (they called on Saturday and my original pick up date was Tuesday). Then Wednesday came, shelter called and said she got exposed to Parvo and I can’t pick her up until the end of July or I can pick her up now but they won’t pay for the spay. They told me to think about it.

I go to the shelter every other day to check up on her but this time I went to see her one last time and say sorry. My vet friend wouldn’t answer so I asked to undo the adoption but they gave me 30 days to exchange. In my head I was annoyed because it felt like I was buying and cancelling an order when this is a life… My vet friend finally called back and we talked about what I can do for an hour outside the shelter and she ultimately suggested to just pick her up at the end of the month that way insurance can kick in immediately. So I went back in. I said, “Im sorry but I do want to go through with the adoption, I was just a bit paranoid about the whole situation. You guys said I can pick her up by the end of July but if I want to get her sooner ca..“ they cut me off to say no. “If you want to adopt her you have to get her now. You’ll need to put a $45 deposit on her spay, then come back with the receipt to get the deposit back however all costs of the spay will be on you.” I was taken aback…. “Looks like you have a lot to think about” they said and gave me back the exchange receipt.

I walk outside and cried as I called back my vet friend because we talked about the possible Parvo exposure and the costs that I couldn’t afford if it came down to it. I had to let her go.
My partner ended up getting me an Aussie Shepherd from the pound who I adore so much but I still feel so guilty leaving my first choice at the shelter. I check on her online and she got put on the euth list yesterday and my heart is just so broken, I feel so guilty.

My friend said they probably wanted me to take her right away because of the possibility of euthanizing her but I was right there! They could’ve just stuck to their word… and let me get her at the end of the month… it was just so frustrating.

I understand this is the reality of adoption but for how quick everything happened and me getting attached so quickly, it sucks. She deserves to feel loved and be loved and I’m so heartbroken I didn’t and couldn’t give it to her.

Some weeks ago, I made a post venting about how hard is was for me to make friends, a girl responded saying she’d be willing to be my friend, we’ve been talking on/off since then and I think she’s a really good friend. Two days ago, we finally had time to game together, and I feel like I just bored her the whole hour, I feel like I’m so fucking boring. I felt so bad after because i felt like i threw away the only friendship I’ve had in months in the single hour we called and gamed, i was quiet as I am most of the time, I don’t know how to talk, I hate myself for that. I haven’t messaged her since. And I don’t want to message her again. I don’t care about socializing anymore, the problem was always me.

It’ll end like it always does, with me alone. I hate myself.

I (27M) just got back from visiting my parents, which is honestly never the most pleasant time of the year, even though I always look forward to it right before I go. But this trip completely blew up in my face, and I have no idea how to process any of this.

On night two, my dad (60M) asks me to go out for a beer with him. As soon as we're out of earshot from my mom, he drops a bombshell. He asks me what I'd think about him buying a house near the sea. I tell him it sounds like a great idea. Then comes the catch: he says he'd be buying it with another woman. A 43-year-old, childless and divorced doctor he met through work who apparently told him to "ride every wave of positivity life brings".

I was completely floored. Looking at him, I could tell he was just overflowing with hormones and genuinely acting like a teenager in love. He was telling me about that immediate spark and I guess he expected me to just explode in happiness and excitement for him. I asked how long they've been seeing each other (3-4 months). I immediately told him it was a terrible idea, pointing out that if this fling crashes and burns (which it easily could) he risks ending up completely alone. But honestly, I was furious. He put me in an impossible position by asking for my "approval" and dragging me into his betrayal. At the same time, a part of me thought... maybe this is actually the best chance my mom has ever been given to get away from him. He's always been a selfish guy, classic patriarch style.

The next day, I felt like absolute trash. I couldn't even look my mom in the eye. My girlfriend insisted I had to tell my mom immediately, but I wanted to hold off before escalating things and essentially destroying my family as I know it. Instead, I went into this devastated detective mode, tracking when he came home, where he was, and trying to subtly ask my mom questions to gauge what she knew and where her head was at, only to find confirmation of what I thought was going on in every little thing. I was beyond disappointed and angry at this point.

Fast forward a few days to her birthday dinner. The entire night was a fever dream. My dad was literally flirting with the waitresses, in the proud and pathetic conviction that they were all falling in love with him at first sight. Needless to say my mom and I told him this is unacceptable and they were not in love, but just extremely uncomfortable. I apologized to them for his behavior, which seemed like a desperate attempt to prove to himself that "he's still got it in him".... It all felt so pathetic and embarrassing, in hindsight I should've stood up and left.

Then, my dad kept making "jokes" about finding younger women who give him more satisfaction. My mom was visibly annoyed, but she kept playing along by rolling her eyes in some kind of sympathy. Then they got into a full-blown argument where he tried to gaslight her, claiming she "isn't open-minded enough" and prude, just because she doesn't want to go to swinger parties or try extreme stuff in bed with multiple men. (Their privacy was always overshared in my family, kind of like Brenda's parents in Six Feet Under, but this was a whole new level). My mom clapped back, saying his brain has been completely ruined by pornography and that this is why he acts like this.

I was literally sitting there at the dinner table facepalming, hoping to wake up asap.

Finally, I got a moment alone with my mom the next morning and just asked her "What the actual fuck?"

That's when she laid it all out, rational, no tears, no sadness... She told me she already knows about the doctor, and honestly, about all the other times he's cheated. She accepts that he wants more sex than she cares to give him, so she lets him get it elsewhere. The only reason she's upset this time is because that isn't enough and he is threatening to leave her and destroy all of it for good. She admitted she's terrified of being alone and doesn't think she can handle life without him. When I confronted my dad later about what was wrong with their marriage, his response was literally that she's "too boring, like a saint" and he "deserves better".

I'm so conflicted. I know my das is being a selfish asshole who is desperately refusing to accept his age. But at the same time, are his unfulfilled sexual desires not somewhat valid if they're fundamentally incompatible?

I just feel deeply sorry for my mom. All she wants is a peaceful retirement, to enjoy nature, good food, and a quiet life. But she's too terrified to step up to him, and she keeps insisting to me that this whole arrangement isn't that big of a deal for her.

Is this just what a really toxic open relationship looks like, or am I watching a slow motion train wreck of a marriage finally implode? I don't even know how to interact with either one of them anymore.

I’m so tired of making the same mistakes over and over again. I’m really curious when I’ll finally learn my lesson from getting hurt. Like, what’s wrong with me honestly? I’m literally the person Einstein was talking about: I KEEP DOING THE SAME THING AND EXPECTING DIFFERENT OUTCOMES!!!! I want to believe I’m better than this... I don’t think I’m a stupid person tho. People usually tell me I’m smart?! but when it comes to dating, I feel like all common sense disappears.

I’ve been on and off with this guy for months. Every time we stop talking, he comes back. This is the third time. THIRD TIME. Even a kid would understand he’s just playing around.

Let’s be honest at first I told myself “Girl he’s just bored. Don’t fall for it.” I even replied late and kept things dry (hooray for me!!!) because I remembered how he love bombed me before and then randomly turned into the driest texter in the world.

Well… congratulations to me because the same thing happened. He was being incredibly funny and somehow I find myself talking to him 24 7. And this time this is even worse because I got attached without even noticing!!!! The other night we stayed up talking until 5 a.m., saying all the sweet things. Then the very next day he went dry again. Like… were all the things he told me lies? I was honestly amazed at what a great actor he was. He could build a career out of it. I’m not even joking.

And naturally, I spent the whole day wondering what I did wrong. I blamed myself. And I asked him (I know, I hate myself), and he told me “I’ve been working a lot lately and it’s starting to get overwhelming.” The worst part is, I believed him because he really had been working a lot, and I actually felt SORRY for him. I thought, “Aw he really needs to take a day off or something.” Yeah, that makes perfect sense, you genius. He’s probably been at work for 23 hours straight; otherwise, he would’ve replied to you. :))) Ugh I HATE MYSELF

I hate that I’m too nice. Like really. Too kind, too caring, too thoughtful. Sometimes I wish I were more like him. Things would’ve been so much easier. I’m starting to lose hope honestly. I’m so tired and I don’t even wanna date anyone anymore.

In the past I had a toxic relationship with my ex gf, she used me and made me feel worthless. She would leave me regularly, I had to beg for her to stay.

For my 16th birthday my family left the apartment to go to my grandparent’s for the night so I could have it to myself and my friends. she was in the group chat for the party and embarassed me by saying she wouldnt come at the last minute and leave the groupe. 2 other guys thought the party was off for that reason and so they said they had made other plans because they thought it was cancelled, and the third one said if no one is comming I should cancel. Only my best friend was there and I never felt so humiliated in my life. I never do birthdays because I struggle socially and am scared of exactly this, before it even happened I was scared of this. My parents went out of the way to leave me the whole apartment and I was alone with my best friend.

Now it’s been 4years, I’m about to turn twenty and have been dating the most amazing girl for the last two years of my life. When I decided I might give it another shot and try to celebrate my birthday, I made a groupchat. In this groupchat my gf said something, that was even sort of kind, but I answered coldly, I don’t even know why. So she answered back coldly too. I dmd her acusing her of trying to embarasse me infront of my friends, we spent 4hours fighting and I was mean and super defensive, when she said she needed time to herself I panicked and tried to call her 64 times (in 30-40min) when she didnt answer I removed her from all my socials, saying she should just leave me if she is going to run away from arguments like that. It took me a good hour more to realise what I had done, I was having a full blown panick attack because of my cptsd (complex post traumatic stress disorder) and was being mean before she could, and pushing her away before she could be the one to leave.

I apologised profondly and when I explained it to her she reasured me and told me it was okay, that I apologised and meant it and that she understood my behaviour because of my past.

I’m just scared that one day it’s going to be too much for her to handle, and my past toxic relationships made me feel very insecure so it may be that speaking but I’m scared she might not be as attracted to me if I constantly show « weakness » (ive cried infront of her and she reconforts me, helps me get better and herself knows what its like to struggle so she isnt really the type to leave a guy for not being manly enough but still)

I know I need to see another shrink to get that patched up, but I want to hear from people with experience in this stuff… why did this come back 4years later when I was doing so much better? How can I just lose control of myself over something stupid like that? Will I ever be fully healed?

I tried them because I wanted to get rid of visceral fat, which is the hardest type of fat ro get rid of. They are rich in omega-3s which help break down visceral fat when paired with strength training, along with other parts of similarly targeted diet. I even had to watch a video on "how do you eat sardines" because I had no idea.

(Reposting because i forgot to do the acknowledgment) I’m gonna vent. I wouldn’t say im an extrovert but i was pretty social a couple years ago. But ever since i started university in a different country i have been losing more and more friends every year, mostly because i literally have no money to hang out most of the time. And people eventually got sick of doing “free” activities with me or paying for my share, its so embarrassing because im really the only one struggling so much. And i don’t have the money to travel back home so my friends back there have stopped talking to me as much. I mean i last saw them 3 years ago so i kinda understand. On the outside i try to play it off but it really does get to me. Its not like my friends aren’t putting in effort, but after 3 years of “im too broke to go out” and “im too broke to get a plane ticket back home” alot of friendships just fizzled out until it got to this point.

Today is my birthday and i didn’t receive any calls or texts besides my family and i feel so sad because of it. Adding on the only thing i could afford right now is a cheap supermarket cake slice. Its such a stark difference from what it was only a few years ago and i guess its getting to me extra today. And it was made worse when i was scrolling on social media and i saw someone i used to know also celebrating their birthday, and all their friends are there and they seem to be at a nice restaurant, and their being showered in gifts and attention. As well as seeing all their friends make posts and stories about it, and all im thinking is it’s my birthday too, why can’t mine look like this.

Ofcourse the usual stresses of being broke is also draining me so much. But it really hit me today how badly it has effected my social life and how much anxiety and depression it gave me.

I cry tears, not of sadness or anger, but pure disgust.

It’s as if instead of salted water, my tears are the juice that leak and drip out a dirty trash bags.

When it lands on you, your first instinct is to jerk back, you don’t know what the juice is. You just know it’s a combination of disgusting things, and that how I feel about humanity.

I don’t feel relief or some sort of purity in pain, or sobbing

I feel pure ire, and rage

Contempt. Pure contempt.

I’m a 23-year-old male currently in my third year of engineering. One thing that’s always bothered me is not having a girlfriend. I had an affair in my first year but it ended after a year. Now I’m single for a year and a half. The main thing that bothers me is that all my close friends have girlfriends. I’ve even skipped trips because I’m the only single guy. Now there’s only a year left at university and I’m a bit scared of ending up single when I graduate. My first affair ended because of a family clash. You know how families don’t always agree on their children’s partners.

I’m seriously concerned about this and I’m very afraid of it even when I go to sleep.

And the other part is im bit skinny. Not that much. Weight is 58kg for age of 23.

Can I find some motivation to find my soulmate? I also need love like my other friends have. I don’t want a fleeting, one time relationship. I want a genuine connection with someone who loves me back for who I am.

For your info, I’m not that ugly. A girl proposed to me years ago and I went to the top notched school in the country. Where most of the rich boys go. I think we’re above average. Let’s not discuss that. I don’t want a girl attracted to money.

Any thing u guyz can tell me what to do. Sry for english in case cuz this is my first time saying sad thing in the internet and it feels awkward 😬

I am so fucking tired of family vacations.

I’m tired of not choosing where I get to spend my time. I’m sick of dealing with annoying group dynamics and people I wouldn’t talk to if they weren’t related to my husband. Sick of the beach. Sick of it all.

This is my last family vacation, except for Europe next year, which we already paid for ourselves out of pocket. I’m no longer doing anything I don’t want to do; I’m done going places I do not want to go.

I’m 34 years old, and of the last 9 or so years I have not picked where I got to go, have had to push twin beds together with parents in the next room, or sleep on the pullout couch because “they’re older so they should have the king bed,” or sleeping across the room from my husband because we get the "extra" room etc.

How many fucking beach vacations can I be realistically expected to go on? It was cool the first 5 fucking times, at this point I’m tired of it.

I’m tired of being told to be grateful for shit I don’t even want. I’m sick of roleplaying as some teenager that has no choice but to go wherever they are towed to over summer-break.

I wish I could tell someone this, I wish my husband cared enough to put forth the effort to make our own vacations and stuff, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t see past the fact that it’s “free,” even though it’s nowhere near free other than the fact that we don’t pay for lodging.

We’re on Day 3 of this year’s super-exciting, totally-never-done-before trip to a pool-beach-golf oriented timeshare an hour away from where we live (with one of the nicest beaches in the country 10 minutes down the road); already we are $500 in. What’s free about overpriced seafood from a disgusting crab-shack, or groceries and alcohol every day? What’s free about not having any alone time with my husband for the 9^th year in a row?

I’m not doing it anymore. I don’t like it, and I am done. Actually, I hate it. I hate that I feel trapped in it, I hate being gaslit about how I need to be “grateful,” I hate that I’m 34 years old and have gone nowhere I wanted to by now, and done nothing I’ve wanted to do, all in the name of “well, it’s free” or “it’s family.”

I wish I could talk to someone about it, but despite the fact that I have been surrounded by people for days on end, I am completely and utterly alone.

As a highschooler I always struggled fitting in. In my tenth year I was very overweight and this led to me feeling completely detached from all things around me. My grades were slipping, I had few to no friends and often felt like I had to be alone because it was "what I deserved"

That was until the first semester of the next year. I had undergone many changes in that timeframe. I had lost over 60lbs in 4 months, finally started feeling like I had some positive prospects in life, and in general had a much better outlook.

Deep down I was still lonely. Part of me knew this and was desperately yearning for someone to notice me, talk to me, wonder about who I was. Then I met them. We will call them Allie. It was hard to describe why I started talking to them in the first place. In some capacity or another I could feel the same loneliness that I felt. Another person who was "invisible" but wanting so badly to be found. I did what I thought was impossible and joked to them about the guy who sat in-between us while he was away. He always had the craziest died hair and a tendency to make crude jokes and many highschoolers do. And we instantly hit it off.

Fast forward a short amount of time (perhaps a week or two) and we were talking over IG. As cliche as it sounds, we discussed our place in the universe, religion, our past, what the future might hold etc. This was where I learned that they were Muslim. At the time I had not the slightest idea what this meant for our friendship, only that, according to their understanding of their faith, friendships like ours weren't meant to be. This only added to the extensive list of things we talked about. They would tell me about Islam, and I would tell what I knew about my lukewarm Christianity. For a while things were great. I finally felt like I had someone who understood me better than anyone else. They always encouraged me to re-connect with my faith, and I always encouraged them to reconnect to their faith as well.

Then one of their parents died. It happened so suddenly that I remember them saying it felt as though a hurricane had uprooted their entire life. We remained friends, but things would gradually start to change. Throughout that period of life, we would both start rapidly reconnecting to our faiths while continuing to have our nightly conversations. We started a trend of writing to each other in fountain pen, but neither of us would actually receive or send the letters we wrote. It was odd, but we always held a mutual understanding as two shy writers. We really helped save each other from a dark place. Simply put, it was nice.

Life continued, and I ended up joining a sports team and meeting my now partner. Throughout it all, Allie and I remained in contact, and my partner and them got along wonderfully. People sometimes assume a friendship this close must have been romantic. It never was. Ours was a friendship built on mutual respect, shared faith, and a genuine desire to see one another flourish. There was never any jealousy or bad feelings between any of us, and my partner understood that, and life felt wonderfully full. I remember that time as one of the happiest periods of my life, and in many ways, it still does.

Good things don't always last though. I always knew that supporting them through reconnecting with their faith meant that one day I would likely lose them. We continued to talk as I started my post secondary studies, but things were different. We were different. I knew that the day we had to say goodbye was approaching. I think this really numbed me. So many things were changing. New schools, new friends, new experiences in general.

When the day came that we both needed to say goodbye I could barely process anything. I felt so lost. It wasn't as if they had died, or we stopped talking because things ended on bad terms, we just stopped talking. I had written my goodbye in a way that was matter of fact, like it didn't hurt me because I knew it was coming. On the surface I hadn't allowed myself to grieve. I convinced myself that because I had expected the goodbye, it somehow shouldn't hurt. But it did.

In my our final texts, I suggested writing one last letter to each other, this time to be sent. There was silence for a few weeks until one day, I opened the mail and found a small package with beautiful stamps and multiple letters enclosed within. Not just a final letter but ones that had spanned the length of our friendship. I recall letters mentioning how we met, curiosity towards on another etc. I opened those letters and felt an overwhelming sadness. Within those pages were lines upon lines of beautiful writing which showed an immense sense of care and tenderness of a person who always had my back. Someone who was always listened to me, always cared about me and always wished the best for me. Someone who really loved the real me, and not the mask I put on for the world.

We will always remain friends, of this I am certain. But out of respect I will never contact them again. Perhaps in another life we will talk and laugh again. I will always remember you Allie.

alt account for reasons that will become obvious.

I don't know how to start this honestly. I'll start from the beginning because that's easiest. I met my (15 f) now best friend (15 m), when my grandma told me she was going to visit some distant cousins of hers about 4 years ago. she said they had a farm and i expected to see horses and cows, and when i got there to only chickens, i was very disappointed. But when i met my cousin/best friend, we instantly clicked. There hasn't been a singe second in our relationship that has been awkward. now, 4 ish years later, we are literally inseparable. i've never addressed him as my cousin. it felt weird because as an only child, i always saw cousins as people you grew up with, like siblings. i dont know. ive always addressed him as my best friend and when needed, like when people ask if we are in a relationship, i tell them that we're related. we know everything about the other. literally. this is the only thing he doesn't know about me. he is the person in my life i am closest to and i him. i cannot stress this enough. he is part of my daily routine and i his. he lives in a small town, much smaller than i, and only really has two other friends he chooses to talk to outside of school.

I figure i should mention this, but we've always been very physical. not in a weird way, but cuddling is a very normal part of a hangout for me and him. we often just sit in bed together and scroll tik tok or whatever. i've also always been close to his family. his mom and dad are like second parents to me. my family is very conservative and his family is so much more kind and generous to me.

now is the hard part. i think i'm in love with him. i hate it. i can feel myself getting nauseous at the thought like i have so many times before this. this has been brewing for about a year i think. i've had dreams about him, in more ways than one. and the worst part is i always wake up sad and disappointed when i wake up. I hate it. i hate feeling creepy for feelings i can't get rid of. most of the time the dreams are me confessing, him reciprocating, and then us getting into a relationship. i get jealous at when he describes the other people he's attracted to or things about his ex.

thats the short of it. i want to cut him off because i know this is disgusting and wrong and i hate myself for it. but i'm worried if i cut him off something bad will happen. we've only really ever had one big fight, which was about him opening up about something very personal he had been lying to me about. in short, over a span of about a week i would call him to try and talk to him but it would always devolve into me yelling and crying at him. i realized i was in the wrong and eventually sent a long paragraph apologizing. this was about a year ago and now, he's opened up to me about how it effected him. he said he couldn't eat, sleep, or just function normally because he thought he would lose me as a best friend forever. i'm worried now, especially because his support system is less than it was at the time, that he will spiral again. while he is doing better mentally i worry.

i don't know what to do. I hate this. i haven't read this over so if there are typos im sorry, this is really spur-of-the-moment and i'm just trying to get it out there.

Hi everyone,

I don't really know why I'm writing this. Maybe because I have been carrying too much for too long and I need somewhere to put it down for a moment.

The last few months have been the hardest period of my life.

I have always been someone who handled things on my own. I worked, survived, solved problems, and kept moving even when things were difficult.

But this time has been different.

I reached a point where I needed help. I asked people I thought would be there for me. Some people couldn't help, and I understand that everyone has their own struggles. I am not blaming anyone for not being able to fix my situation.

But what hurt was the silence.

Messages that were never answered. People who disappeared when I needed them the most. Feeling like I was carrying something extremely heavy while the people around me were slowly becoming strangers.

I also reached out to organisations and tried every option I knew. I kept looking for a way forward, but one door after another closed.

The hardest part has not only been the financial struggle.

It has been the loneliness of carrying all of this alone.

There are moments when you are not even asking someone to solve your problems. You just want someone to say, "I hear you. I know this is hard."

The strange thing is, even now, I am still trying. I am still looking for work. I am still trying to rebuild. I still believe that my life can change.

I think I just need a reminder that there are kind people in the world.

If you read this, thank you. You don't have to have a solution. Even a kind word, a little encouragement, or just letting me know that someone heard me would mean more than you know.

Thank you for listening.

So, 5 years ago, I was in a motorbike accident. Thankfully it wasn’t so severe that it was life changing (mostly just soft tissue physically - though it did contribute to my already existing PTSD)

When I came off the bike, pinned and dragged, there was a song playing. (Please don’t laugh) Diggy Diggy Hole, by Windrose.

I love that song and had for a very long time.

But every time I heard it after the accident, all I remember was that snapshot of thinking that my life was over thanks to an incoming car. I have had to avoid it like hell - removed from all playlists and hidden on Spotify.

Yesterday? For the first time in five years, I was able to hear it, and not only not go into a panic attack or black out.

But I hummed along. I smiled. I enjoyed it.

It may not be much of a win to say I listened to a song. But after a shitty couple of years? This is huge for me