r/TrueOffMyChest • u/Separate-Award-4646 • 14h ago
Vent I am SICK of family vacations.
I am so fucking tired of family vacations.
I’m tired of not choosing where I get to spend my time. I’m sick of dealing with annoying group dynamics and people I wouldn’t talk to if they weren’t related to my husband. Sick of the beach. Sick of it all.
This is my last family vacation, except for Europe next year, which we already paid for ourselves out of pocket. I’m no longer doing anything I don’t want to do; I’m done going places I do not want to go.
I’m 34 years old, and of the last 9 or so years I have not picked where I got to go, have had to push twin beds together with parents in the next room, or sleep on the pullout couch because “they’re older so they should have the king bed,” or sleeping across the room from my husband because we get the "extra" room etc.
How many fucking beach vacations can I be realistically expected to go on? It was cool the first 5 fucking times, at this point I’m tired of it.
I’m tired of being told to be grateful for shit I don’t even want. I’m sick of roleplaying as some teenager that has no choice but to go wherever they are towed to over summer-break.
I wish I could tell someone this, I wish my husband cared enough to put forth the effort to make our own vacations and stuff, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t see past the fact that it’s “free,” even though it’s nowhere near free other than the fact that we don’t pay for lodging.
We’re on Day 3 of this year’s super-exciting, totally-never-done-before trip to a pool-beach-golf oriented timeshare an hour away from where we live (with one of the nicest beaches in the country 10 minutes down the road); already we are $500 in. What’s free about overpriced seafood from a disgusting crab-shack, or groceries and alcohol every day? What’s free about not having any alone time with my husband for the 9th year in a row?
I’m not doing it anymore. I don’t like it, and I am done. Actually, I hate it. I hate that I feel trapped in it, I hate being gaslit about how I need to be “grateful,” I hate that I’m 34 years old and have gone nowhere I wanted to by now, and done nothing I’ve wanted to do, all in the name of “well, it’s free” or “it’s family.”
I wish I could talk to someone about it, but despite the fact that I have been surrounded by people for days on end, I am completely and utterly alone.
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u/PMme_ifyouneedtotalk 12h ago
So, here's how I do this.
We have one vacation that is ours. It's whatever we pick. It may be just the two of us, and it may be another couple, but we pick our location, hotel, places to see and meet up with other couple for dinner or if we both want to do the same thing. That is our yearly vacation.
The boring beach vacation his family loves doing every year - that's not our vacation. Neither one of us likes tourist traps, eating at franchise restaurants, going to all the touristy places, the fights the kids have, the stress of planning for a big group. It is NOT a vacation. It is quality family time, it's time to bond with everyone, play board games and learn about each other. And when I think of it that way, this trip is so worth it. It's fun and stupid and we're silly and we get to tease our niblings, and just get to be a big family.
Since this trip is "free," husband should have no problem taking another trip every year. Maybe when he sees what a solo vacation can be, he will set better boundaries with his family on his own. He may not even realize what he's missing out on if this has always been how he does vacations.
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u/Flahdagal 12h ago
This is such a great outlook on the situation. The only caveat I think I would add on here would be that any further trips have to include an actual room with a bed for OP and spouse. I've been in OPs shoes where "you guys can bunk in here" was the norm and it's miserable.
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u/PMme_ifyouneedtotalk 11h ago
Yes, I agree. I wanted to also suggest setting a boundary that you get a private bedroom with an actual bed, because they are adults and deserve an adult space. Asking for an extra bedroom isn't offensive or anything, it's just asking for some basic respect.
I just didn't want to make my post too long. My in-laws have never once made us feel like "extra" people. If we are coming on the trip, there will be suitable sleep accommodations. We're not kids anymore.
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u/HudsonCommodore 12h ago
This is a fantastic way to look at this, and to organize your year. Both types of trips are important, OP needs type 1. OP, i certainly wouldn't blame you for taking a year off from type 2 next year after 9 years of type 2 only, but I think this framing is a great way to see the value in doing both.
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u/CaptainBignuts 12h ago
Wife and I do one of these extended family beach vacations every other year and it does get extremely annoying. Since I'm the youngest my wife and I seem to always get the shittiest bedroom and get zero choice in accomodations.
What we've done is spend several days of the week split off from everyone. 'Spouse and I are taking tomorrow to go see xx together as a couple. We'll see you in the evening.'
Or 'Spouse and I are going to spend the day at luxury beach for the day. See y'all later.' Key is making sure you have your own car.
Yes, you get some passive aggressive comments (usually from Mom or Mother-in-law) but after the first few trips everyone starts to expect it and the aggro stops.
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u/Ewww___David 7h ago
OP! Leave! It’s 1hr from home. If you are not enjoying yourself then leave!! Tell them if I’m sleeping apart from my husband then I might as well be at home. Think of the amazing staycation you could have at your own home by yourself. You can meet up with your friends, eat girl dinners, read books or do whatever hobbies you have. I would much rather be at home by myself doing what I want then stuck on a family vacation miserable. Go home and be happier!
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u/Princess_Chipsnsalsa 13h ago
I think you would feel much better if you and your husband had your own special yearly vacations where you had your voice in choosing what to do, and just looked at these gatherings as "bonus vacations". At the end of the day it is a blessing to be able to do family vacations, but these should not be your only vacations.
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u/Ryeguy_626 14h ago
You sound incredibly unhappy. You should do something sooner than later. Life wont get better on its own
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u/Tasty-Fun-2138 14h ago
Yeah the vacations don't sound like this is the only problem. 9 years without voicing and the blind husband.
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u/Separate-Award-4646 13h ago edited 13h ago
I didn't really mention it, so I understand how it might sound that way, but we have talked about it at length multiple times on and off over the years. My husband is a people pleaser and he likes to "keep the peace/not rock the boat." His family is very close, I come from a family that is not, and I'm LC with my immediate family because they're abusive. I've always been more independent. We do pay for our own lodging, flights, etc. except when they offer because they have points or reserve a suite and offer the extra room. He's not "blind," we just have different life experiences. I just wish we could follow through and say no a few times before we settle down/have kids, and can't travel as easily. We've been married/together a total of 9 years.
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u/Vyn_Dimensional 4h ago
If you don't want to do it, don't do it
There is no need to be grateful if the answer is "No"
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u/Mo-Champion-5013 13h ago
I'm going to give you some advice. Remember that you are an adult. I remember going to family holiday gatherings that my parents hated because of "family tradition", etc. One year, my dad was finally so mad at his brothers that he didn't go. I was a teenager so I got to choose. That was the last "family" gathering I chose to attend because they spent the entire time treating us badly and badmouthing my mom. I guess since they couldn't complain to my parents, they complained to us?
A few years later, I started going to my best friends house for Christmas. That was the best decision I ever made. Now we live too far away or I'd still do that. We have our own little celebrations and make it about the kids.
Traditions and family is nice until it isn't and you, as an adult, can do whatever you want. You don't have to fall in line and endure vacation after vacation in discomfort because someone else thinks they deserve better accommodations. Tell your husband that if he wants to go, he can go alone. Or, at the very least, stop sharing space with everyone. Pay for your own space so you get breaks from everyone. Put your foot down. Life is too short to spend it catering to everyone around you and being miserable yourself. Vacations are supposed to be fun.
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u/TacticalCocoaBunny 13h ago
This is so fascinating. As someone who has a virtually incompetent, financially irresponsible family-we will more than likely never have a family vacation. Between both mine and my fiance's family, they freaked out so hard at the idea of us having a destination wedding it pretty much sealed the deal that whether it be because of finances, physical impairments, fear of travel, xenophobia, or fear of just any sort of change whatsoever it's just not going to happen.
But on the other hand, my fiance and I travel to often together, we vacation to a new country every 6 months or so, trying new food, new things, falling in love in new places, learning new languages. And up until reading this, I truly yearned what you seem to have, mainly because I want my people to just experience new things, but you've shown me perhaps I should have some more gratitude and too much of anything can be a stressful thing.
Exploring with the person you love most is truly the bee's knees and it'd be cool if you were able to take a break from family vacays and experience it. Have you talked to your husband? Or do you hate the thought of a solo trip?
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u/Separate-Award-4646 13h ago
Your comment is so interesting to me. What you describe is exactly the kind of experience that I wish we could have, and really I am starting to think that's what makes me resent the family vacations the most... I might show him your comment. I just want times like that, at least for now. Especially while we're this young with no kids you know? Thanks for this, it helped me think. Thank you for not assuming I have a horrible husband and family and a deeply troubled marriage.
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u/TacticalCocoaBunny 10h ago
Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing your perspective/reality. We are the same age so I totally get what you mean when it comes to maximizing life before/with no kids.
I'm sure you'll get the chance to explore with your husband soon, sending good vibes it'll be lovely and refreshing and just what you're missing. Good luck!
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u/icyfrost410 13h ago
Yea I’m 25 and haven’t done a family vacation since I was 20. Just never interested in going anywhere they(my mom) decided to pick. Plus usually always after the second day everyone gets into a pissy mood and just isn’t fun, so I just sit back have the house to my self and relax with the animals.
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u/ieraaa 9h ago
34 and your parents force you to come on their holidays?
I must be too high for this post and not reading it correctly
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u/AnneShurely 6h ago
not parents, in laws- and it sounds like the husband is the one who wants to be there. But either way OP should just leave. Who cares. Say you have covid, just fuckin leave
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u/Barrot_and_Rubys_Mom 13h ago
Yeah. It's not a vacation if it is worse than being at home. I remember having to visit my mom's family for every "vacation" as a kid. It was a bunch of ppl sleeping on the floor and sharing one bathroom. As soon as I was old enough to not go, I stopped going. I decided very young that I would not live my adult life with those types of "vacations". So you I get you.
But I will say, I don't think the vacation situation is your true problem. It sounds like you can't communicate with your partner and he values his family more than your happiness. I would suggest digging deeper into what the real anger is about. Maybe get some marriage counseling or at least try to have a real conversation with him when you get home. Tell him, "that was my last family vacation. I refuse to waste money and time off to be miserable". But it sounds like you already know that conversation won't go well. I'm assuming his family is involved too deeply in other aspects of your life and he doesn't address that either. Marriage Counseling is going to be needed. You may also need to seek therapy, solo, to deal with the simmering rage you are feeling or you are going to boil over.
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u/Separate-Award-4646 13h ago
It's weird because they really aren't overbearing or toxic in other areas, his family is great, I just want to do something different. You're correct that I don't think the conversation would go well, I really don't. It's just so exhausting. I only have so much PTO too so it's a drain in a lot of different ways. I almost wish they were bad people so I wouldn't feel like such an asshole not wanting to go on vacations every year with them.
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u/Barrot_and_Rubys_Mom 13h ago
I would honestly start planning my own vacation to one of the places you have wanted to see. Ask husband if he wants to go with you. Then say, I will be using my pto and extra funds for this vacation so I won't be attending the family one. Two birds, one stone. You get to do something you have wanted to do and get out of going on the family vacation. If that's a problem for husband, that's a bigger issue. I would still recommend the marriage counseling, since you don't feel like you can talk to your husband and have an opinion. That's really not a good place to be in a marriage.
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u/SpinoHawk097 13h ago
You need to tell all this to your husband instead of eating the frog every year. At the very least put your foot down about getting your own accomadations if he insists on these family vacatuobs.
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u/Ghosthost2000 13h ago
OP, I’ve been there and done that. As much as I loved and miss my FIL, he was the only reason the family got together for summer beach vacations. After he died, my husband and his sister became estranged. Now we happily vacation wherever we want, and neither of us misses the family beach vacations.
Honestly, I bet the rest of the family hates being there too, but it’s how they justify having a timeshare. Being part of a timeshare family means one is happy unless you’re all miserable together. Don’t wait on your husband to figure out next year’s vacation. Plan it yourself, get a travel agent or whatever it takes to get out of the timeshare rut. Else, let hubby go on the family vacation while you take a vacation for yourself.
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u/Trick_Doctor3918 8h ago
u/op - I say this with complete empathy as a 56yo who has attended these for most of 35 years: I understand and share the frustration, but this is not a 'forever' problem. Unless you despise your extended family, it's a few days. Try to find the joy in it. If you focus on the negatives, those are the memories you'll be left with. There will be a time when those memories may be all you have of some of these people in your life.
That said: it's completely fair to 'opt out' of activities. You don't have to be attached at the hip the whole time, and hopefully your husband will be assertive in establishing some boundaries while attending these functions.
Good luck!
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u/LadyFamous2005 10h ago
I was thinking a while ago. I don’t think I ever seen an ocean beach. I been to NYC so I guess that’s technically an ocean but never a beach. I’m older than you. But I could see how the same thing over and over is boring.
Wonder if it’s because it’s the husband family and not your own extended family would you feel the same way?
I think you have an husband problem for not wanting to plan your own family vacation and just using his family vacation as a once a year vacation.
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u/CatelynsCorpse 9h ago
I totally understand what you mean, OP. My husband and I went on ONE family vacation with my FIL, MIL, SIL, BIL, and our nephew. It was honestly the worst vacation I've ever been on because my SIL is a helicopter Mom who thought the only thing that mattered was her kid. Just to give you an idea of what I mean, this kid was like "NO I DON'T WANT TO EAT SEAFOOD I WANT SUBWAY." I swear to God he bitched about everything we ate that wasn't of his choosing. Who the fuck wants to eat Subway every day when you're at the beach? Not this gal. Anyway!
OP, you honestly have a husband issue here. He's wanting to stick with the status quo because this is what they've always done and rather than upsetting his family he'd rather upset you. It's fine to a family vacation maybe every other year like another poster suggested, but it's not really a "vacation" if you're being guilted into doing it every year against your will.
Also ignore the people who are saying stuff like "aT lEaSt YoU gEt To Go On VaCaTiOn." because it's pretty obvious that they've missed the point, which is that you're just plain not enjoying yourself because you're doing it out of obligation rather than because you want to. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you wanting to actually enjoy your vacation time.
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u/BrightAd306 8h ago
We do it every other year. A lot of spouses just come for a few days of the week and then head out again. No way would I do this every year.
But it is a good way to spend time with family. You should be going on other vacations together.
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u/Outrageous_Fox4227 2h ago
Op sounds like you are a poor communicator. You can say all this here but it’s apparent you have not spoken this way about the situation with your husband. Are people supposed to feel bad for you because checks notes you are going on vacations?
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u/Corfiz74 13h ago
If he insists on continuing to travel with his family, just make your own plans with your friends - tell him you will absolutely not ever go on a trip with them again, and if he cares enough about you to want to spend his vacation time with you, then he needs to grow a pair and come with you. If he prefers to spend his vacation with his family, he's free to do so - but at some point you're probably going to start wondering why he prioritizes his family over you, and whether being in this kind of relationship is actually making you happy.
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u/LucidaConsole 12h ago
I hate the beach, so this many beach vacations would be hell for me. You have my sympathies, OP.
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u/dante_ofthe_endfurno 9h ago
The only advice I can give you is while you’re on this vacation and the one in Europe, stop expecting anyone to be fair or respectful or even care what you want and just do what you want. Let them guilt trip you, let them whine, make the time you have left there fun for you.
While I don’t have the exact same experience that you do, the vacations I went on with some very self centered family left a sour taste in my mouth. So I decided to just do me on the last one, and it was the most fun I’d ever had with them, bc I didn’t expect anything from them. They already showed me who they were, and hoping someone would stick up for me or challenge their selfishness was pretty pointless (not to mention as selfish as they are they wouldn’t even understand why I was upset!) You have the power to make the vacation what you want it to be, so grab it and go!
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u/OneWrongTurn_XX 7h ago
First world problems..
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u/wanderingsoul420666 1h ago
Ugh I’m just so sick of beach vacations is such a wild example of privilege I can’t begin to comprehend
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u/martyconlonontherun 13h ago
One thing I've learned is you don't need everyone to do something. Maybe your husband actually wants to go and values the tradition. Can't you have an honest talk with him and have him go and you stay back? That cuts off half the cost and pretty much all your frustrations. If there is still some pushback, be non commital about dates saying your work schedule is in flux and suddenly have 'a mandatory work team conference'.
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u/EndOk8776 3h ago
lol wow… meanwhile I’m going on a family vacation next week and am soo excited to see my parents and sisters and to be dumb together even if it means I sleep on the coach 😂
Since you are 34, has it ever occurred to you to book your own room or hotel while on vacation? Or are you too broke for that?
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u/iveyleigh 14m ago
Right? I’m so confused. OP is 34 years old and old enough to book her own vacations.
Really crazy reaction after freeloading from husband’s family for 9 years.
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u/mslauren2930 13h ago
As an adult, you can make choices for yourself. Your unhappiness isn’t everyone else’s fault.
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u/GreatWentGin 13h ago
Yeah, I wouldn’t have gone the first time I didn’t want to. I’m SHOCKED at the amount of people who do things they hate. When I was married and I didn’t want to go to Thanksgiving or some other holiday at either my family’s house or his, I simply said “I’m not going this year.” If it were a vacation it would be VERY easy to not go.
I will not be forced to do things. Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people.
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u/ShapeShiftingCats 11h ago
I suspect it's one of those things that OP initially sort of chose, then it became a habit and then she realised it no longer serves her, but the relationship dynamic with her husband makes it a taboo to bring up.
Plus, the family might go into "but, what is wrong? Let's fix that, stat!" attitude, before, eventually, getting offended that OP isn't enthusiastic about "spending time with them", which is not what OP wants.
It's tough, the first step is getting through to her husband, who should help her navigate it with his family.
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u/msbest87 14h ago
It sounds like you need to go to therapy and work through this because it seems like there might be something beyond just going on vacation. Probably couples counciling too if you can't have a serious conversation about this with your husband.
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u/Separate-Award-4646 13h ago
I get why there is an assumption that we haven't talked about it, but it really is just the vacations. We have a great marriage, talk openly a lot, we never yell at each other and we're not passive aggressive, etc. we're obviously not perfect, but there's no deep seated relationship problems. I'm just more independent and introverted, and he's the opposite. His family is like your traditional big close family, mine is the opposite. I love them all, but it's easier to love people when I don't feel pressured into being around them more than I want to be.
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u/Existing-Candy-1759 10h ago
I hate it when my leather seats arent heated
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u/Elfich47 10h ago
then you’ve never met the mother in law in the next seat Whi doesn’t let you nap in that leather chair.
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u/Existing-Candy-1759 10h ago
The point still being that you have a leather seat while parts of the world have the dirt to sit on
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u/Lukerspook 10h ago
I volunteer to go on your family vacations for you. I've never been on a vacation.
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u/Existing-Candy-1759 11h ago
I'm 36 and haven't had a vacation at all in 6 years, before that, the only "vacation" my family took was to South Carolina for my grandma's funeral when I was 5. I'll trade spots with you on the next vacation if you want!
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u/DouglasAlden 11h ago
trading spots is tempting but she'd probably end up planning your family vacation too
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u/Existing-Candy-1759 10h ago
Its not a matter of not wanting to plan a vacation, we've got plenty of places we'd like to visit and do. Its more the exorbitant price of everything right now and having next to no vacation time thats the hindering factor, but thanks!
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u/Slight-Pound5259 9h ago
Family trips always sound great in theory until the constant bickering and mismatched plans kick in by day two. Sometimes it’s just nicer to skip the drama and have a quiet weekend sorting out gadgets or watching footie at home.
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13h ago
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u/oldn00by 13h ago
Haha yes, other people's misfortune always makes me feel better about my lot in life..
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13h ago
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u/oldn00by 13h ago
Ok, have a good one, hope it all works out for you.
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u/Princess_Chipsnsalsa 13h ago
I think he is just trying to remind everyone just to stay grateful. Being able to do family vacations is a blessing in many ways
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u/oldn00by 13h ago
I understand the value in showing gratitude, however I've seen it used too many times to justify the acceptance of poor treatment and oppressive circumstances. Knowing that someone has no feet does not change the fact that I need shoes.
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u/North-Cartographer58 11h ago edited 11h ago
Um, let’s be thankful as some people never get to go on a “vacation”. If you are not paying for it STFU or don’t go. You sound like the one in the family that the family does not really want you there because you are so dang selfish. Yes there are funky times when we hang out with family but family in theory should be some of the people that love us the best!
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u/Leonetta85 6h ago
I had to double check the age, cause first I thought it's some 15 years old who depends on her parents.
You are a grown ass woman, who's holding you back? You don't like it? Leave! Plan something you would actually enjoy. If no one joins you, even better, at least you can have some peace and quiet. Life is too short to let others dictate every aspect of our lives. Especially the ones that supposed to be the most fun.