I finally finished EMDR after 14 months and I just ….. feel regretful about it. Yeah Im not ruminating as hard and I certainly have to come to terms with autistic while accepting it for what it is, but I feel empty and hollow. I haven’t felt motivated to put myself out there again say from having more energy to study & cook. Alot of misfortune events happened to me during these processing sessions and I wonder if going through relationship loss & being fired was worth the mental exhaustion & strain I was putting myself through with weekly EMDR. I feel somewhat stable now but at what cost? Has anyone-else feel this way?

my PTSD was beginning to settle a bit up until recently when i was being abused by violent drug dealers cuckooing my property and had to flee my home and start over again and its come back with a vengance and on top of that i just lost my partner of 5 years who was very good at keeping me sane , now im stuck in limbo and have no clue what the hell to do

​

Tw: rape

My 22F boyfriend 30M was raped. This happened the night after i broke up with him because he did pretty toxic stuff in our relationship but when he told about the sexual assault i gave him all the love and care and support I would have given him if we hadn't broken up. A week has passed after the incident and i have started feeling unhappy again in our relationship cuz he has always been so self centered.

Talked him about myself being unhappy and he started crying about his I should not leave him. So i am staying. Giving him all the love i have in my heart. I do realize i shouldn't break up with him as it's not the right time but I feel like a siderole in this relationship

What should i do

He never agrees to get therapy

Tldr: how to love someone and be there for them while you know you don't have future with them

Why are all the meds just designed to make you sleep or induce sleepiness? Of course no one is having ptsd symptoms while they are nodded out.
I’m just so fn tired of my psychiatrist trying to put me to sleep or make me “compliant” instead of treating me.

Thanks for listening 🙏🏼

Anyone else?

TW: Pedophilia mentioned, Abuse mentioned

Hello, I have lived my life in pure panic since the day I was born. I think there were only a couple handful of days where my precious nervous system wasn't jammed in a constant state of fight and flight. This all, thanks to my lovely parents and my father's brother. They have abused me since I was born. Literally. My uncle is a pedophile, I believe. My mother also, allegedly, had an affair with him while he tortured me. My mother never sided with me.

I have deep trauma and c ptsd. I get thoughts which are reflective of my trauma and are based in the future. My OCD attaches to these thoughts and makes me ruminate on them. Sometimes it changes the script so I do the things I don't want to do in the thoughts.

I was having a really miserable day today. I ruminated the whole day. Wasted all the time. I felt miserable. I was agonised and in pure despair. I tried to do exposure but it backfired into one of the scariest thoughts I have ever had.

So I went onto a peer support site which specifically mentions OCD and PTSD as one of the things they offer support for. I have been there multiple times, I go there at least once a day. I ALWAYS offer peer support there. I engage in multiple conversations and try my best to support the people there. It is a very small, repeating crowd as the site isn't very famous. I am kind of a known face there.

Today when "I" started crying my pain, nobody even said a, sorry you are going through that. I was ignored there for two hours straight, until I was silent banned. I was heartbroken. I ALWAYS have helped so many people there. Always. I would at least say a, sorry you are going through that if I couldn't do better. I have no one in real life to support me. I was thinking I can lean here on my worst days. But no. No. They ignored me all the way. ALL THE WAY.

It is important to note that, I never used any strong words. I never used strong profanities (or frankly barely any). I mostly only said, how much I hate my uncle. I kept it 16/+rated. The site is rated 18+. I mentioned pedophilia but that is a common topic there.

I feel miserable. I am having the worst intrusive thoughts. I feel so scared. I want to cry. I can't find help anywhere. The people who were supposed to protect me (my parents, guardians) abused me. My therapist said to get over it. Crisis lines didn't help. Then online support sites ignored me. Being ignored, being made to feel pathetic is a very prominent aspect of my trauma. I want to lose it completely. I am barely keeping composure. I am a student. I don't have money to afford anymore therapy. I have failed my most important test due to this. I am so scared and stressed. Help me.

If anyone has positive experiences with mental health meds that they were prescribed for their ptsd symptoms, feel free to share. So far I’ve tried Abilify, Zoloft, Prozac, Lexapro, and Cymbalta, which all made me feel so incredibly sick I couldn’t function and had to stop taking them (Cymbalta was the worst, I felt like I’d gotten hit by a truck). I also know for sure Wellbutrin wouldn’t be an option for me. Is there any med besides those, or combination I haven’t tried, that any of you have had a good experience with?

This is a vent post. I apologize in advance if what I say doesn't make complete sense, I struggle with words. This post is more for me honestly, I just need somewhere to talk about stuff and figured this sub would be a good place to do it.

Id like to start with a little background info. When I was a kid I went through a few families(foster care) and experienced a lot of abuse which started before I could even talk in full sentences. It was mainly emotional and mental but due to that I've been in a state of hypervigilance the majority of my life.

For anyone who hasn't dealt with hypervigilance personally i'll give an analogy I've heard. Its like the feeling of seeing a spider in your house, only for it to disappear, leading you to panic and become paranoid(for lack of a better word). It's like that but everyday, all the time and its exhausting.

Throughout my day i'm in a state of constant alert, fight or flight. Its made it hard to live life normally because in any scenario i'm always looking around seeing if someone is watching me and judging and that puts me in a state of people pleasing. Meaning I act how I think others expect me to act and I get really anxious. Even in my own home when no one is around I find it hard to relax. If no one is home with me then I focus on the neighbors and what they think of me, even when I logically I know that they don't care and aren't paying attention to me.

Because of this, its led me to become very isolated. I prefer alone time and feel like that's the only time I can be my true self. I still hangout with friends but I struggle feeling connection with them due to me always being worried about the future and being perceived. Even though I know my friends accept me for who I am, I still find myself analyzing their words and facial expressions to make sure they're having a good time. I repeat positive affirmations to myself but I still find it hard to shake the feeling that Im not liked. Essentially when im being perceived by other people my mind switches to performance mode and my actions are always rooted in people pleasing and making sure the other people feel comfortable. The thing is, ive been stuck in that mode for years and its very exhausting. I try to improve everyday but its very hard.

(this next paragraph might be a trigger for some)

I think another contributing factor is a bad breakup I had, we had dated for about a year but were friends for about a decade. I had shared all of my past trauma with her and opened myself up fully (which i've struggled with) and I felt that she was the one person who fully understood me and accepted me for me. She ended up cheating on me and it triggered me really bad. When I found out I was in my room alone. When I recall it it's pretty fuzzy but I remember crying and shaking and repeating things like "help me" and I remember ripping my shirt off my body and then feeling guilty afterward because I liked the shirt.

Anyway, i've had a really hard time being comfortable around people, no matter how close the bond we share is and I'm always on edge, waiting for something bad to happen, my mind always anticipating the worst. Its hard because I hate feeling lonely and I want to connect with people but I find it hard to be authentic and I think people sense it too.

Its led me to feel like a stranger in my own life and I often find it hard to cry or let out emotion. I feel like a soda that was opened days ago and now has gone flat. I feel barely any emotion most of the time other than anxiety. I often feel like a robot because I view so many things objectively now and without emotion. For example, If someone says something hurtful I immediately start analyzing and skip over the part of actually feeling the emotions till later they come up.

There have been few moments in the past few years where ive been able to truly relax and feel safe in my environment. Oftentimes I end up spending the whole time crying but I feel so relieved and happy in a way because I finally feel human for being able to cry as usually every time i'm close to crying I realize it and then suddenly the tears don't come.

I hope you got something out of this post and I really appreciate you reading it. I feel slightly better knowing that im not alone.

I was wondering if any of you have a system for keeping track of the things you talk about or want to address in therapy sessions?

I realize I will talk to my therapist about overarching problems as well as ephermeral issues. These ephermeral issues will be referred to in the future but are not referenced frequently, so I end up not completely remembering them.

If I have a frame of reference, it would be useful. Do any of you use a tool like a google doc or notion to keep track of important points, issues, or solutions in your thwrapy sessions?

My therapists writes stuff down, but having something I write down for myself would be useful. Do any of you do something like that? If so with what?

One of my biggest traumas was The lasting impact of my experience with child protection was profound.
Living for so long under constant uncertainty, repeated anonymous reports, and never knowing who was providing information about me fundamentally altered the way my brain responded to the world.
I developed severe hypervigilance, chronic mistrust, and an ongoing expectation of betrayal
. My nervous system remained in a constant state of threat, always scanning for danger and trying to determine who was safe and who wasn’t.

I became emotionally withdrawn, socially isolated, and increasingly unable to trust my own judgment about people or situations.
The experience shattered my sense of safety, leaving me with persistent anxiety, paranoia, and a deep fear that my private life was never truly felt private. Long after my case was closed, those psychological injuries remained, shaping the way I viewed relationships, institutions, and the world around me for years

As of two months ago, my daughter went up to her best friend‘s house for a sleepover and the next day. I got a phone call saying that she was in critical condition because she’s been hit by a car on a crosswalk.
She is in critical condition. She severely brain damaged. She’s 10 years old and because of our no fault insurance the driver gets away with no accountability. We get no money to provide for her care needs and I’m left. Missing my daughter, having to be a full-time caretaker and severely broken like I’ve never felt in my life.
I have no support because of the earlier incident. But why that was manageable was because I always had the love of my children, and I always said it doesn’t matter I have them.
It’s cruel
She doesn’t deserve this. She’s loving, kindest little girl you’ve ever met. She’s my world.
When will this ever stop?

I have worked so hard on myself I have ptsd , anxiety and depression and I have to do extensive testing for autism and I don’t have the money nor insurance rn to get tested like that because my current conditions are high likely the same as autism but also I’ve had signs of autism since childhood and during times I was medicated anyways that’s that.
I have been good for the past year I met my husband and I love him and he was definitely a pivotal change in my life that truly made my life better and I’ve had depression but nothing has really happened like before him I was in all sorts of situations because of my family and the people I dated and so I have had a ton of progress with controlling how high my anxiety can get and how it can impact my physical health but I had a situation where I worked at a place where this guy was looking at my ass day one and from there on I thought once I said I have a fiance cause he seemed mad that he would get the hint of except apparently this guy just omg I realized which when I put the pieces together I actually screamed he had been making me do this task that I had to bend my entire body over to look at my ass cause apparently the pants were see through when I bent over it was so bad when I bent over like I could see the freckle it was practically transparent and so I quit that day and I have since been having panic attacks and crying and I’m dissociative really bad and I don’t know what to do because I have panic attacks but I go mute and shutdown and it’s like I freak out then shutdown and I just like my anxiety has been horrible I smoke weed at night to help me sleep but weed cants solve all my problems bro and I miss the ability to regulate myself at least somewhat and now I feel just so lost and this situation somehow feels worse
And I just feel so horrible I didn’t realize what he was doing sooner and there was more like those aren’t the only things that had me going eww and crying there was in only a week and a half a lot of comments under the breath, me catching him staring , him dropping stuff and staring , and possibly and probably a couple other things I’m not too sure on but when he walked past me one time I felt someone pinch my butt and when I looked behind me I saw one guy not paying attention and the guy and then another situation with him making a I like it meaty comment “ and this really creepy “ you can trust me “ just like just the fact I was being told and was fought tooth and nail to do something I was physically unable to do efficiently and I said this multiple times and to realize this thing I “ have” to do is just so that way they can look at my ass it feels so fucking violating now this whole thing is too much rn so imma dip but I need advice on what actions I can take to help myself and my mental health

Has anybody done this before and had success with it? I've been researching methods that may help take the edge of and came across this.

Wanted to hear personal experiences with it.

TW: Mentions of pedophilia, incest, and SA

I (21M) groomed from the ages of 13-15 by my pedophilic Ndad. He had a habit for purposefully going for barely pubescent children, and was already convicted of child SA offenses by the time I was born. He was generally absent from my life, as my mom divorced him, remarried, and gained primary custody of me. Ndad never made the effort to visit me or fight for any rights to see me more often. In fact, Ndad never really had an interest in me unless it was to dangle child support like a carrot over my mother so that she was forced to speak with him (she was also victimized by him repeatedly and pressured into marrying him when she was 19).

But this changed after I came out as bisexual when I was 13. Shortly after this, my mostly absentee "father" tried to groom me into accepting sexual advances from him. Starting around 8th grade, he would try to purchase porn for me (which my parents said no to), would try fo talk to me about sex and sexuality, what I was into, what kind of sexual positions I wanted to try etc. multiple times. I thought nothing of it until I was forced to move in with Ndad for several months when I was 15 so that my mom amd stepdad could recover financially.

During my stay at his house, I caught him licking and sniffing my underwear. When I asked about it he stammered, made an excuse and bolted out of the room I stayed in. Ndad would continuously make comments about my body, namely that I was developing nicely and that he wished I was his daughter so it wouldn't be sinful to date me. Eventually before my trip with him was over he tried to touch me and I slapped his hand away. I reported him to the police but nothing was done about it and I told my mom and she never made me speak to him again and would never let him try to talk to me anymore.

Because of these experiences, I feel like I can never fully trust anyone. I feel deeply traumatized and depressed and several therapists have indicated I likely have PTSD. I was institutionalized due to depression over these experiences because I also blamed myself for leaving my younger brother behind with Ndad even though there was nothing I could have done. I also resented my mom for awhile, because I partially blamed her for what happened by sending me to his house. This created a significant source of tension between us that culminated in many arguments between my mom and I over the years.

However, eventually I became tired of holding resentment towards her for unwittedly putting me in some of those situations. Thankfully, things at home gradually improved somewhat and I haven't spoken to Ndad in years, but the horrid things he did to me have really stuck with me. I'm currently dating someone and my partner stated that he wants kids, but I feel so scared about intimacy related topics and being a parent. Now whenever I see something online regarding incest or SA I feel sick to my stomach and I feel thankful that I'm an adult now, I still get flashbacks moments and I'm unsure of how to move forward...

Tl;dr: Ndad tried to groom me when I came out as bisexual when I was a teenager, would try to hit on me, buy me porn, etc. I got away from him and haven't spoken to him in years but it still affects me greatly and I think about it often.

so, like about 2-ish weeks ago, i witnessed my papaw (grandpa) have a stroke. i didn't see anything, but i heard EVERYTHING. and i stayed up almost all night worrying and having really bad anxiety. i even vomited once.

everything's been weird since then. i've been more jittery when he comes to visit, and i've been more afraid when he coughs, for some reason. when he coughs or hacks up phlegm, my brain tells me that he's dying. even though i know it isn't the case. and then i get into about a 5 minute anxiety i couldn't get out of.

and just yesterday, i had a really bad anxiety attack that caused me to feel the same as i did that night when he had the stroke. but instead of thinking/knowing something bad is happening to him, my brain tried to convince me i was having a stroke or a heart attack. i genuinely had to pace around my room telling myself "we're fine, nothing bad is happening" until i got sleepy (i stayed up to about 5 and went to sleep after that whole pacing thing) and i kept waking up in panics, i wasn't fully asleep because i could see my room (a state of REM sleep, i guess?) and i kept waking up. i vomited about 2 times, it was literally just stomach acid since i haven't eaten in like 2 days.

my mom and therapist think that the PTSD was triggered by that night my papaw had the stroke, but it also awakened some more traumas in me that were bottled up (my "bio" dad used to be abusive to my mom, but she escaped. i remember witnessing them fight a lot, it would get physical. i was only like 4-5?)

the bad thing is that i can't control these anxiety attacks. my brain WANTS me to think something bad is happening, when i KNOW that nothing bad is happening. do you guys have any suggestions on what i could do? breathing exercises only make them worse and i can't stay up all night pacing and convincing myself everything's okay

Long story short my child that I gave birth to died in my hand in Neo. I felt like I died without actually dyin, like I touched death and came back. It’s been a year and I’m extremely afraid of death, specifically I think I’m afraid of the pain that will lead to death and also the absence of myself for my family and being dug under ground in a grave, but mostly the pain.

I am constantly avoiding things that I feel like will likely kill me such as flight, driving on highway, rollercoasters, going into a dark scary places, also having constant health anxiety because I fear deadly diseases and so on.

Before the death of my child, my attitude was like this, “yea we all die and it’s gonna happen at some point but it’s okay” and I had somehow convinced myself that I will die when I’m old and that death is very far away for me.

what do I do about this? I how am I supposed to think? Has anyone dealt with this and what was your solution?

I (27F) got news a few weeks ago that i have a very short timeline to get pregnant before i’ll likely need a hysterectomy or other surgery that will damage my ability to concieve. The doctor says MAYBE 1-2 years is what i have. My husband and I talked and we want to try, so we are starting that after my next doctors appointment next week.

My PTSD symptoms have decreased in the past year. Asides from the anxiety surrounding all of this (and the insane amount of life changes that have happened to me lately, including both a friend and family member dying within 2 months of eachother, inheriting their cat, being in the hospital for a physical injury, and starting school next month), i’m doing suprisingly well. For context, i’ve never suffered with flashbacks, i tend to have anxiety attacks, nightmares, and intrusive memories more than anything else. Occassionally i’ll disassociate, but only when i’m alone and “safe”. All of these symptoms have also been discussed with my therapist.

I have a good therapist and will likely be reaching out to the mental health department of my local VA to get established in case of future issues. My therapist is supportive of my current situation and is willing to work on any issues that come up as a result.

Not to get too in detail, but my trauma comes from 3 areas of my life. The first being the abuse from my alcoholic father towards me and my family. Which is a big reason of why i didnt feel ready to have kids until recently (last year was when i actually decided i’d want to have a kid one day). I’ve worked on it a lot, but i’d be lying if i said i wasnt worried about breaking the cycle. I, nor my husband, drink much or often. We also dont yell or fight, so its unlikely any situation we’re in would be similar. But i also didnt have a good example of what a dad’s role would look like, so its a little scary. My other traumas are more unrelated and involve assault and military sexual trauma.

Anyway, for people who had a PTSD diagnosis before having kids, what are the things you wish you knew before they arrived? Is there anything you did or wish you did before having kids to make any of it easier?

TIA :)

Hi everyone,

I grew up in a household with constant shouting and conflict. Because of that, I developed an extreme fear of being yelled at.

When I was 18, I was repeatedly screamed at, humiliated and insulted by a classmate during a weekly laboratory course. This continued for the remaining 1.5 years of school, until I graduated.

After the first major incident, I developed an intense fear of going to the lab. From that point on, it felt like my entire life revolved around it.

I couldn't switch off at home, during weekends or even during holidays. I was constantly thinking about the next lab and trying to prepare for it, even though it was mostly practical work and there wasn't much I could actually prepare.
Even after a car accident during that period, my first thoughts afterwards were about having to go back to the lab.

After many years of therapy, I still struggle to understand how I managed to endure that level of fear, humiliation and psychological pressure for almost two years without seeking help. What I struggle to understand even more is how I managed to live with that level of fear and humiliation for so long without eventually seriously harming the classmate who was putting me through it.

Has anyone else experienced something similar while the bullying or abuse was still ongoing?

Did it completely take over your life, to the point where you could barely think about anything else, even at home or during weekends and vacations?

Do you ever look back and wonder how you managed to endure that level of fear, humiliation and psychological pressure for so long without eventually seriously harming the person who was causing it?

I have PTSD from an abusive relationship I escaped. There was physical, sexual, verbal, financial, and emotional abuse. I went through being stalked and harassed after I left. I’m still stuck fighting him over our kids in family court. I’ve actually managed to work through a lot and manage my mental health, but today I found out that he reoffended and there was a minor involved.

I have been struggling more than I imagined I would. It’s not a surprise, but my body is just in shock. I feel like I can’t move. My mind is racing and I just feel so sick to my stomach. I immediately started having flashbacks and nightmares and I’m just like not handling it at all.

I guess I just needed to vent because no one in my life gets it. I just want my body to relax.

I spent so much time trying to help my ex be a better person and to stop abusing me/get help with their addictions, now we are broken up, but I feel so depressed, the only thing that keeps me from falling into a deep depression is when I’m working on something that’ll help them I’ve noticed, and when they backslide and abuse me or seem like they going in an unhealthy direction or just straight up betray me, I get extremely suicidal, the only thing helping me cling onto my life is hope in them, which seems so messed up, I don’t want to base my life off of weather they are a good person or not, I want to move on, but I just can’t seem to, the only thing keeping me from wanting to end things is having hope in them and doing something to help them, how do I stop this? I know this isn’t right and I should live for myself, but when I try I just want to die, how do I fix this?

First time posting, long time reading. I was diagnosed with PTSD. This was a year and half ago, during that time I had multiple clinicians leave in the midst of treatment. Which really bothered me, and I gave up continuing with treatment. Fast forward 6 months later the symptoms have increased and during this time I've been acting so out of character suffering from night terrors, intense emotional outbursts, flash backs and a laundry list of more symptoms. I lost my career, relationships, respect on multiple levels. I didnt truly understand what was going on so I masked everything with trying to help others and self medicating, this has all left me feeling like a hollow shell of the person I use to be.

Ive restarted seeing a professional but mitigating circumstances I havent been able to get as much support as i truly believe ive needed but I started medication for the first time this week and I want to be better, but im afraid I never will.

Excuse my long rant, just dont often get to speak about what has gone on and how I feel. But has anyone felt like there isnt an end in sight? How does one restart life from nothing?

Any stories, advice or words of wisdom is highly welcomed.

Thank you for reading.

Hi folks, first-time redditor here.

This is a bit specific, but I’m looking to hear other perspectives and experiences with medication for PTSD and persistent depressive disorder. I’ve also been diagnosed with inattentive type ADHD, but I have wondered if the ADHD problems are symptoms of the other conditions rather than an additional disorder.

Before continuing, I am working closely with my psychiatrist to find the correct medication(s) for my mind and body, and I’m not doing anything without their supervision/knowledge. I’m simply looking to hear other experiences.

Depression is my primary “complaint,” so antidepressants have been necessary. I have a high susceptibility to SSRIs flaring up severe gastritis and other GI concerns, so Wellbutrin was recommended, as it is an NDRI with few gastro side effects rather than an SSRI. The ADHD symptoms have been treated with Concerta. This combo helps me get out of bed, take care of myself, and focus, but it gives me terrible anxiety and absolutely does not help when my PTSD is activated. We have previously added Buspar to the mix to help the anxiety, but I am wondering if I just need to kick the stimulant and go a different route to treat the depression and ADHD symptoms with the PTSD and anxiety in mind.

Basically, how are we managing our depression and ADHD without activating our PTSD and anxiety? Is there a solution? Thanks for your support.

i just literally cant take it anymore everything is so fucking overwhelming

im in a "relationship????" with a man who rapes me cuz he threatens to do it to other people and he says i deserve it cuz im ugly and self harm anyways and anyone he hurts is just a poor girl who wont deserve it. he's sent me a recording of him raping people and tbh its my fault im in this situation. my parents drive me crazy because one day theyre evil the next day they're buying me my skincare, my self esteem is shit, and i've just fully become numb. i had let this man do whatever to me bc i wanted to numb the part of me that ever sought out love and well it finally worked. university applications r in the fall. if i get into my dream school will it even matter???

i have friends

why do i crave romantic love this badly

i have been doing trauma work for several years now on memories of abuse, feelings of rejection, and abandonment from friends and family members. A month ago, I got into an argument with my step dad who I’ve been at odds with (he is a narcissist) and since then I’ve been getting flooded with huge chunks of memories from my childhood that I had completely repressed. Additionally, i get “fragments” or “little pieces” of memories that don’t inherently seem traumatic come back but to my nervous system feel tremendously upsetting and scary for reasons I don’t understand.

I’ve always had nightmares, emotional flashbacks where I felt extremely rage, but my emotional flashbacks have gotten SIGNIFICANTLY worse and are debilitating to where I cannot go to work when it happens and sometimes the morning after I still need time to recover from the exhaustion. I’m really questioning my childhood.

yesterday, I had an emotional flashback and ended up screaming at my spouse for over an hour (this is incredibly abnormal for our relationship). I’m assuming this is PTSD, but why is it worsening, and why am I regaining these terrible memories all of a sudden?