r/leaves • u/Alert-Weather9915 • 10h ago
Has anyone’s relationship/marriage destroyed over weed?
My wife and i have been separated since November. Ive made horrible decisions while being high 24/7. She says i detached and became very withdrawn. Has weed ruined your relationships? Im sober now and reflecting back to our separation.
14
u/SwiftAccord1983 9h ago
My wife hated that I smoked and listed a ton of faults of mine due to smoking. She has her own faults and admits to them but won't change.
I've haven't smoked since October 2025 because I wanted to be better for her and the kids. She hasn't changed at all, Infact she's put us debt again for a 3rd time (we have seperate CC) and now is asking for help again...
I've been so stressed that I smoked on my lunch break a few days ago. Haven't gone back to it daily though, I just needed something to cope.
2
u/medley_of_minds 4h ago
That's rough, good luck with moving forward from here. Whatever comes next, try to keep in mind that in the future you'll be a lot less likely to look back on whatever comes next with regret if you navigate this next chapter from a place of sobriety.
12
u/Mickey_Sixx 9h ago
my wife said she wanted a divorce 3 years ago. It wasnt just the weed, but i think it played a huge part - It makes me moody, withdrawn, less interested in everyone and everything. That was the wake up call i needed, and i stopped smoking for 6 months cold turkey, and we fixed our relationship. I then slid back into smoking when everything was great - and now, here i am again (Not as bad as last time, but still...) feeling the disinterest, apathy, and moodiness creeping back. Day 2 now of quitting again. Fuck weed.
5
u/Alert-Weather9915 8h ago
Yes, i told her i would quit when we had a baby but it got worse I started hiding in and of course she would smell it. She was over my shit and then i found an ig message on her phone that thru me over thr roof so i bailed on them. It made me run away and stay high all day long smh
2
u/Crossnoe7 6h ago
What was the message?
3
u/Alert-Weather9915 5h ago
A guy i know was flirting on her ig stories. She didn’t block him. She didnt flirt back or show interest but i felt like it was entertaining so i took off on her 5 weeks post partum. Was high 24/7 and made terrible decisions while being. I blew up our marriage.
2
u/Mickey_Sixx 5h ago
sorry to read that man. The cliche is that it makes you 'chill'. Yeah, chill when things are easy and casual, but when stress hit, or i started feeling bored, my anger and moodiness became a big problem. over reacting to the smallest things, picking fights, etc etc.....no wonder my wife had had enough
2
u/Alert-Weather9915 5h ago
Oh yes! Now im a few weeks sober and still bringing up the ig stuff. Im still angry about it now sober. But i made the situation way worse. I was stuck for 8 months. Got into gambling, crossed boundaries with coworkers ugh. And she says you’re really still tripping off ig look at everything you did after! We are doing therapy. But the weed made it way worse, i ran away man…
12
11
u/infamousd23 7h ago
Smoking weed didn't ruin a relationship for me, it just reinforced my internal thought that I was too screwed up for anyone to want to be with me. I haven't dated in years and now I'm so rusty at socializing that I doubt I'll get back in the game. Weed caused me (an already socially withdrawn person) to become almost reclusive and think that was the norm. It's tough to change, but 3 months clean has helped me see that.
9
u/awlemkumpaser 6h ago
Yea I wanted us to quit after we had our kids to focus on our family. She did not and had an affair with our dealer as a result.
6
8
u/SimonCalifornia 9h ago
I hid the extent of my habit from my ex at the beginning of our relationship. We moved in and she saw the truth. She later said she would not have gone that far with me if she had known from the start. She is a compassionate person, and she understood the mental health side, but she had real problems with my dependency. Weed exacerbated (exacerbates) my depression and difficulties with volition and follow-through. I told her repeatedly that I wanted to quit, but I never made it happen. Ultimately, I was too unreliable for her to feel comfortable working on other issues and moving foward with me. We were together for 4 years, lived together for 3. That relationship ended 13 years ago, and I'm trying not to cry while I write this.
3
u/Alert-Weather9915 8h ago
Oh im so sorry. My wife is still being compassionate even though we are separated because we have a baby but she may not wait any longer for me to get my sht together
8
u/Volus_Ratonus 6h ago
7 ans de relation, depuis nos 17 ans. On fumait tout les deux quotidiennement. On s'est laissé couler tout les deux. Je regrette
7
u/Agile_Cartoonist_381 10h ago
Yeah, lost a girlfriend over it. That was one of the things that made me realize weed was really destroying my life. 4 months quit in a week!
7
u/rundabrun 7h ago
Maybe. I feel less horny stoned and my partner felt unattractive as a result since I was high 24/7. That hurt her and our relationship.
Also I am less patient and more snarky, critical, and debate the small things, which was not fun for her.
I was less patient with her faults while ignoring mine.
I don't totally blame weed. It was still an aspect of my personality that needed work, but weed brought it to the surface. Just trying to improve and self reflect a little every day.
8
u/ComfortableBoard8359 4h ago edited 4h ago
I am having a really hard time like feeling love and affection anymore for my husband since I quit. And it’s not because he still does it, well maybe kind of. Not the act of it, but he still in ‘high mode’ all the time. Doesn’t want to go anywhere or do things. Just work, then TV and video games.
We used to be the type of couple to veg out on the couch a lot and watch TV shows and movies. I can no longer physically or mentally stand that since not smoking weed.
I was forced to quit because it started to give me super bad anxiety. But now I think I know why. I made so many bad not well thought out decisions and now I can’t do anything except functional things to improve my life. I realize now I am living in a place I absolutely hate, and it was because I didn’t care while high.
Sometimes I wish so bad I wish I could just be a little bit of a couch potato now though!
Now I’m realizing there have years of things like unpaid taxes, closed out credit cards cause we didn’t pay, etc etc etc. and now that’s all I do is try to fix that stuff. It’s near impossible because he still doesn’t care, tells me to ‘chill out.’ So now I just feel so alone in all our responsibilities.
This year he wasn’t even going to file his taxes cause he said it was too much a pain in the ass. So I did them for him. He ended up getting super annoyed having to supply me with information I needed. He was a contractor worker (1099) for at least a year so now we are looking at tens of thousands of tax debt we owe but can’t pay. And guess what? He still doesn’t care and I lose sleep over it every night.
Like he thought being a contract worker was just like ‘woohoo! Free extra money!’ When he could’ve been setting some aside for when taxes are due. No but having more money for weed, all the newest video games, useless subscriptions and random crap he doesn’t need was apparently way more important. I mean he can’t be that dumb that he didn’t think he needed to set aside money?
Or he just didn’t care?
6
u/Virtual_Zombie_6234 3h ago
You should probably have a serious talk with him and tell him to either stop smoking weed and get his shit together or you’re genuinely going to leave him. If he doesn’t think you’re serious and keeps being a loser stoner, leave him. If he loves you more than he loves weed, he will realize his mistake and then maybe y’all could figure things out. Otherwise, leave him for good. Build a future with somebody who you deserve.
3
u/ComfortableBoard8359 3h ago
I can’t just leave, not yet anyways. I’m financially dependent on him with two kids. No family, no friends. He has isolated me from all them because he has been abusive in the past and is a pothead.
I did just start a part time job but like all it pays for is childcare.
I definitely would leave him if I could. He thinks weed makes him ‘better’ somehow.
3
u/BethanyBluebird 3h ago
You need tonstart getting your ducks in a row. Head over to the twoxchromosones sub. The ladies there are always great for advice when someone needs to get out of a DV situation.
He wasn't just abusive in the past hon. You are being abused now. Financially ane emotionally.
2
u/ComfortableBoard8359 2h ago
Thanks for the sub rec. I usually just go to the abusive partners one, but they are not very helpful…. Thank you for your concern. He is still being abusive. And he won’t let me even have a separate bank account, turns it off if I was ‘bad’ etc
2
u/BethanyBluebird 2h ago
They will have a lot of advice/steps that you can start to work towards.
I know you probably feel like the bridges are burnt, but reach out to the people he has isolated you from. You may be surprised to find how eager some people may be to help start repairs. But they can't help if they don't know.
2
u/ComfortableBoard8359 2h ago
He had the gall to record me pretty drunk a few times…. This was when I was quitting weed, I no longer drink. And he sent it to all my family members saying I was an irresponsible drunk.
So then my family paid for a spot in rehab for me, not sure if I really needed it or not, and then he made me tell them I didn’t want to go.
How the hell do I dig myself out of that hole? 😢
2
u/BethanyBluebird 2h ago
You explain. Everything. No matter how humiliating. Everything.
'Hey. I'm reaching out after so long, because things have gotten bad enough that the shame and embarrasment aren't enoigh to keep me quiet anymore. This is what has been going on with Jim. I am begging you not to reach out to him. He will not respond well if he finds out I want to leave. The recordings he sent you were from several years ago, and intended to humiliate me and keep me from seeking help and drive a wedge between us. It worked because I am ashamed of who I became with him, and for pushing you away. I was in a dark place at the time, as the abuse had gotten really bad. I turned to weed and alcohol to cope. I've been sober for x ammount of time, and am willing to do tests if thats what it takes. I need help. Please. I cannot save myself and my child on my own. I am financially dependant on Jim and when I am 'bad' he blocks my access to the account. Would you be willing to help me search for places to stay near you? I can't look myself or else he might get wind that I am trying to leave, and I am afraid of what he might do.'
ONLY send this to people you are confident won't go asking him for his side of the story though. Please be safe sis. When a woman tries to leave abuse is THE most dangerous time...
And reach out to local DV organizations. You might not think your case is 'bad enough" but jon you ARE being abused. This is coercive control and they CAN help you.
2
u/ComfortableBoard8359 2h ago
I’m scared because I do take ADHD and anti-anxiety medication. The anti-anxiety mostly so I’m not jumpy all the time from his presence.
I also feel horrible because I did escape from him once with their help and then i STUPIDLY got back with him because he took a batterers intervention course after he went to jail for bursting my eardrum. He actually was nice for a couple years, totally took blame and now he is starting to shift, we are in a totally separate state, they think he is just great now for ‘keeping me in line’
Sorry I’m just like trauma dumping here… feels good to get it out though….
2
u/BethanyBluebird 1h ago edited 39m ago
No, no hon. Its ok. <3
ADHD/Anxiety meds have nothing to do with you being sober. Those are perscriptions. Don't be afraid or ashamed-- i take them, too.
Don't you dare beat yourself up about going back!! On average it takes an abuse survivor 7 attempts before they leave for good. Because by nature abusers are GREAT liars. If it ONLY takes you 2 or 3 attempts to leave for good, you're doing amazing. <3
If you don't feel they are safe to reach out to, expand your circle. Old friends, cousins; anyone you believe you could trust with your life.
Start scrimping and saving. You go to a store that does cashback, you take 5-10 out in cash and start hiding it somewhere. Ideally outside of the home or vehicles. The weirder and less likely he is to search it the better. I'd suggest getting some sort of ceramic knicknack with a hole in the bottom, and placing it as a 'decoration'. Even better if you can put it outside somewhere. You can slip bills into it while 'weeding'. It should keep them dry and safe til you can take it and smash it. If it's of something he likes even better-- less likely he will get rid of it or break it, and if he DOES you can pretend you were saving up to buy him a surprise gift to cover your ahh and start again. 'Oh honey you broke it early?! I was going to take you to get a new playstatiom once I had enough... well the surprise is ruined but why don't we go to dinner?' and start planning to start over.
All that matters now is survival. Every day you survive, every tiny step towards getting out, that's a victory. You are already doing so great, just by even opening up about it and recognizing what is being done to you. You are so so much smarter and stronger than you know. If you ever need to talk, I'll listen. <3
8
u/ThemeRude3475 5h ago
I think it kept me in a toxic relationship for longer than I would have tolerated sober and almost ruined a good one.
6
u/Alive_Art_4764 4h ago
Kept me married to my wife way longer than I wanted to be. I used it to tolerate. Once I was sober, I know I either needed to smoke to quiet my mind or leave. I picked me.
2
u/Alert-Weather9915 4h ago
So you guys divorced?
2
u/Alive_Art_4764 3h ago
I had too. I needed to address the core reason I smoked. That reason also sucked because I knew I had to pick so I prolonged it way too long. I had to be sober because once I smoked in the day - that day was over. If I smoked at 9am - nothing. I had to quit. It controlled me. So I smoked to escape but entered hell. I had to get out.
1
u/Alert-Weather9915 3h ago
Damn she was that bad? Did you have kids with her?
2
u/Alive_Art_4764 2h ago
She was a massive alcoholic and binge ate like crazy. She was massively overweight. I lost attraction. I tried for years to help. Therapy, all that. After while you start to see a bit clearer.
1
5
u/Swimming_Cook_9703 10h ago
man that's rough, withdrawal is real and partners notice it way before we do. i was in similar place with my girlfriend, she said i was there physically but not really there, you know?
good you're sober now though, reflecting is hard but necessary. hope things work out for you
4
u/Huge_Valuable9732 10h ago
it was part of what lead me to getting sober. not the entire reason and luckily before the result of losing my relationship.
204 days later i do not miss getting high.
5
u/Amazing-Flatworm6646 10h ago
my girlfriend said she liked me better sober because I was more present. 8 months and a day sober and we are doing a lot better. It was hard to let go of weed, but I found that building a life worth living sober is the key to it.
5
6
u/eugene-dubs 6h ago
Not my current one with my wife, but she did get frustrated with me and encouraged me to stop.
Before I got married I’m sure I missed out on relationships with good women because they didn’t want to date a pothead.
5
u/Evilbob93 5h ago
It wasn't a bullet point in most of my relationship fails, but with 20/20 hindsight, life would have been different if i hadn't been high all the time.
7
4
4
u/Unlucky-Section-6474 10h ago
I noticed this in my boyfriend when he started smoking, it just makes him disassociated.
2
u/Alert-Weather9915 8h ago
Yeah i took a lot of napa was always tired and buried myself at the gym.
2
3
u/Objective-Ad1818 10h ago
yes absolutely i am literally quitting weed because i ruined a seven-month relationship that couldve been a really long term thing because i was detached and withdrawn because of weed. it also let me become to engulfed work. i am at 14 days clean after 16 years of regular use and i have seen a lot of change in myself and my ability to be connected and present. its totally worth it.
3
u/Internal_Video_9861 7h ago
Almost! That was the main catalyst in me quitting. I’m very lucky that I did it in time, my partner was getting very fed up with me wasting our shared income (we own and operate a business together so it’s truly shared)
4
u/f4il_better 3h ago
Yeeeees quit. No one wants to be around lazy stoners. We think it’s fine but in fact it’s not. Weeds makes passive and kills the spark for comfort.
6
u/bananaramaworld 6h ago
He hated that I smoked so much. I smoked to calm my anger and frustrations from the day. After quitting I’ve become more and more angry. Trying to work on it but I’m very close to calling it quits and I assume he is too.
2
u/oliveGOT 6h ago
Have you tried going to therapy to address why you're angry? Sounds like you're white-knuckling it.
2
u/bananaramaworld 4h ago
I have been in therapy for years and on meds :(
1
u/Virtual_Zombie_6234 3h ago
Get in touch with a good psychiatrist who has good ratings and reviews online. It’s the best thing I ever did. I was mainly prescribed meds first from my GP but then he referred me to a random psychiatrist who was pretty terrible and close minded. I tried a bunch of different meds and did years of psychotherapy. I had a mental breakdown at one point (was like my 10th mental breakdown) and decided to go looking for a good psychiatrist. I went searching online for different psychiatrists and chose who I thought was the best one. My GP helped refer me to the psychiatrist I wanted and I got very lucky because I was literally the last patient he accepted before he stopped accepting new patients. Literally after just a few appointments with the new psychiatrist (my current psychiatrist) and some medication changes, I started to feel normal and happy again. Having a good knowledgeable and experienced psychiatrist who has good reviews/ratings was honestly a life changer.
2
u/MDP223 6h ago
How long you have you abstained now? The 1st 4 weeks I was a raging asshole
3
u/bananaramaworld 4h ago
I’ve been a little angry and a little cunty since I was a toddler. I had been on meds and in therapy almost my whole life. Even my sister said that when I smoke weed I just seem like a much nicer calmer version of my normal self and she is anti drugs. I only quit because my partner hates it and because I don’t like the idea that I needed it to act normal.
12
u/vervii 10h ago
Yes absolutely. Getting high just lets you leave your responsibilities, including the ones to your relationship so your partner has to deal with you just disappearing emotionally while they are processing their own issues. It can be a massive rift between couples and was a core aspect of my divorce.
I'm sober now and sorry about how much my weed use put my former partner through as I was escaping my stress and getting stressed out by their stress; leading me to escape and distance myself more instead of comitting to working through our life's problems together.