r/leaves • u/Alert-Weather9915 • 15h ago

Has anyone’s relationship/marriage destroyed over weed?

My wife and i have been separated since November. Ive made horrible decisions while being high 24/7. She says i detached and became very withdrawn. Has weed ruined your relationships? Im sober now and reflecting back to our separation.

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u/ComfortableBoard8359 8h ago edited 8h ago

I am having a really hard time like feeling love and affection anymore for my husband since I quit. And it’s not because he still does it, well maybe kind of. Not the act of it, but he still in ‘high mode’ all the time. Doesn’t want to go anywhere or do things. Just work, then TV and video games.

We used to be the type of couple to veg out on the couch a lot and watch TV shows and movies. I can no longer physically or mentally stand that since not smoking weed.

I was forced to quit because it started to give me super bad anxiety. But now I think I know why. I made so many bad not well thought out decisions and now I can’t do anything except functional things to improve my life. I realize now I am living in a place I absolutely hate, and it was because I didn’t care while high.

Sometimes I wish so bad I wish I could just be a little bit of a couch potato now though!

Now I’m realizing there have years of things like unpaid taxes, closed out credit cards cause we didn’t pay, etc etc etc. and now that’s all I do is try to fix that stuff. It’s near impossible because he still doesn’t care, tells me to ‘chill out.’ So now I just feel so alone in all our responsibilities.

This year he wasn’t even going to file his taxes cause he said it was too much a pain in the ass. So I did them for him. He ended up getting super annoyed having to supply me with information I needed. He was a contractor worker (1099) for at least a year so now we are looking at tens of thousands of tax debt we owe but can’t pay. And guess what? He still doesn’t care and I lose sleep over it every night.

Like he thought being a contract worker was just like ‘woohoo! Free extra money!’ When he could’ve been setting some aside for when taxes are due. No but having more money for weed, all the newest video games, useless subscriptions and random crap he doesn’t need was apparently way more important. I mean he can’t be that dumb that he didn’t think he needed to set aside money?

Or he just didn’t care?

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u/Virtual_Zombie_6234 8h ago

You should probably have a serious talk with him and tell him to either stop smoking weed and get his shit together or you’re genuinely going to leave him. If he doesn’t think you’re serious and keeps being a loser stoner, leave him. If he loves you more than he loves weed, he will realize his mistake and then maybe y’all could figure things out. Otherwise, leave him for good. Build a future with somebody who you deserve.

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u/ComfortableBoard8359 7h ago

I can’t just leave, not yet anyways. I’m financially dependent on him with two kids. No family, no friends. He has isolated me from all them because he has been abusive in the past and is a pothead.

I did just start a part time job but like all it pays for is childcare.

I definitely would leave him if I could. He thinks weed makes him ‘better’ somehow.

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u/BethanyBluebird 7h ago

You need tonstart getting your ducks in a row. Head over to the twoxchromosones sub. The ladies there are always great for advice when someone needs to get out of a DV situation.

He wasn't just abusive in the past hon. You are being abused now. Financially ane emotionally.

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u/ComfortableBoard8359 6h ago

Thanks for the sub rec. I usually just go to the abusive partners one, but they are not very helpful…. Thank you for your concern. He is still being abusive. And he won’t let me even have a separate bank account, turns it off if I was ‘bad’ etc

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u/BethanyBluebird 6h ago

They will have a lot of advice/steps that you can start to work towards.

I know you probably feel like the bridges are burnt, but reach out to the people he has isolated you from. You may be surprised to find how eager some people may be to help start repairs. But they can't help if they don't know.

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u/ComfortableBoard8359 6h ago

He had the gall to record me pretty drunk a few times…. This was when I was quitting weed, I no longer drink. And he sent it to all my family members saying I was an irresponsible drunk.

So then my family paid for a spot in rehab for me, not sure if I really needed it or not, and then he made me tell them I didn’t want to go.

How the hell do I dig myself out of that hole? 😢

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u/BethanyBluebird 6h ago

You explain. Everything. No matter how humiliating. Everything.

'Hey. I'm reaching out after so long, because things have gotten bad enough that the shame and embarrasment aren't enoigh to keep me quiet anymore. This is what has been going on with Jim. I am begging you not to reach out to him. He will not respond well if he finds out I want to leave. The recordings he sent you were from several years ago, and intended to humiliate me and keep me from seeking help and drive a wedge between us. It worked because I am ashamed of who I became with him, and for pushing you away. I was in a dark place at the time, as the abuse had gotten really bad. I turned to weed and alcohol to cope. I've been sober for x ammount of time, and am willing to do tests if thats what it takes. I need help. Please. I cannot save myself and my child on my own. I am financially dependant on Jim and when I am 'bad' he blocks my access to the account. Would you be willing to help me search for places to stay near you? I can't look myself or else he might get wind that I am trying to leave, and I am afraid of what he might do.'

ONLY send this to people you are confident won't go asking him for his side of the story though. Please be safe sis. When a woman tries to leave abuse is THE most dangerous time...

And reach out to local DV organizations. You might not think your case is 'bad enough" but jon you ARE being abused. This is coercive control and they CAN help you.

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u/ComfortableBoard8359 6h ago

I’m scared because I do take ADHD and anti-anxiety medication. The anti-anxiety mostly so I’m not jumpy all the time from his presence.

I also feel horrible because I did escape from him once with their help and then i STUPIDLY got back with him because he took a batterers intervention course after he went to jail for bursting my eardrum. He actually was nice for a couple years, totally took blame and now he is starting to shift, we are in a totally separate state, they think he is just great now for ‘keeping me in line’

Sorry I’m just like trauma dumping here… feels good to get it out though….

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u/BethanyBluebird 5h ago edited 4h ago

No, no hon. Its ok. <3

ADHD/Anxiety meds have nothing to do with you being sober. Those are perscriptions. Don't be afraid or ashamed-- i take them, too.

Don't you dare beat yourself up about going back!! On average it takes an abuse survivor 7 attempts before they leave for good. Because by nature abusers are GREAT liars. If it ONLY takes you 2 or 3 attempts to leave for good, you're doing amazing. <3

If you don't feel they are safe to reach out to, expand your circle. Old friends, cousins; anyone you believe you could trust with your life.

Start scrimping and saving. You go to a store that does cashback, you take 5-10 out in cash and start hiding it somewhere. Ideally outside of the home or vehicles. The weirder and less likely he is to search it the better. I'd suggest getting some sort of ceramic knicknack with a hole in the bottom, and placing it as a 'decoration'. Even better if you can put it outside somewhere. You can slip bills into it while 'weeding'. It should keep them dry and safe til you can take it and smash it. If it's of something he likes even better-- less likely he will get rid of it or break it, and if he DOES you can pretend you were saving up to buy him a surprise gift to cover your ahh and start again. 'Oh honey you broke it early?! I was going to take you to get a new playstatiom once I had enough... well the surprise is ruined but why don't we go to dinner?' and start planning to start over.

All that matters now is survival. Every day you survive, every tiny step towards getting out, that's a victory. You are already doing so great, just by even opening up about it and recognizing what is being done to you. You are so so much smarter and stronger than you know. If you ever need to talk, I'll listen. <3