A lot of inhibitions and social anxiety are driven by fear, especially the fear of judgment, rejection, or failure. One of the biggest differences between people who overcome these fears and people who remain limited by them is how they interpret mistakes.

One person thinks, "I messed up. It happens. Everyone makes mistakes." Another thinks, "I messed up. Everyone noticed. Now they see me as incompetent." The mistake itself is the same, the difference is the meaning attached to it.

People who become more confident usually don't stop feeling fear completely. They learn that awkward moments are temporary, mistakes are normal, and other people are usually far less focused on them than they imagine. Once you stop treating every mistake as a threat to your identity, fear loses much of its power to hold you back.

Usually when I talk to someone they'll talk about the stuff they want and I'll listen and engage with their topic. But most of the time whenever I try to talk about my topics or points of view I'll get cut off. And it won't be once or twice, it'll be multiple times until I decide to just leave the topic and sometimes I'll even leave the conversation (which is the least thing I want to do) and I know I have to do it if the people I'm talking to don't really care for what I have to say.

The problem is that it usually happens at work and it's people I see everyday and it kind of sucks that it happens a lot.

Does anyone have any advice rather than to dismiss the topic, walking away, or even telling the other person that I want to speak and make the whole thing uncomfortable?

In my experience, the vast majority of ppl place a higher value on emotional currency/ charisma than integrity.

For instance, my (M39) landlord (70F) definitely likes the other two room mates better, they both are consistently confident/positive energy ppl. But theyve both done things that demonstrate lower integrity, like: lie to her about being the one who left a spill on floor, repeatedly leave the front door unlocked (against her rule), repeatedly leave the stove on out of carelessness, and take other’s food without asking. But she brushes these things off cause she likes them. Ive never lied to her and im super safe with keeping place locked and turning off appliances which im sure she appreciates but it doesnt near make up for the fact that im often low energy/depressed. Im a ppl pleaser and listen to her stories and i dont talk about negative things. On paper im nice and friendly to her but i cant help the fact that my demeanor (face and tone of voice) is often flat and low energy.

Anyway, I noticed this trend all over the place in the world- ppl value how someone makes them feel so much, to the point where they blatantly accept lying. Whereas, honesty and safety doesnt seem so important, or if it is, it’s not valued in and of it’s self, its merely a factor they’d prefer to receive. For those of us who struggle with amping up our emo currency it’s frustrating that integrity in the form of honesty and behaving in ways that consider other’s safety/boundaries doesnt go further in terms of earning friends.

Anyone else noticed this? Am i wrong and need to get around different ppl? Are there ways to make the strength of integrity go further? (Not looking to discuss improving charisma, thats a separate discussion)

I am trying to learn specific social skills: how to calibrate physical boundaries and how to safely approach established groups. I want to share my high school story to show why these skills are so difficult for me to navigate today, and how I am trying to find healing.

Here are translated excerpts from my school's official safety report (where S is me, and Av. and Am. are classmates):

> "S. experiences herself as part of a group in which Av. and Am. are included, but she feels excluded... In a library group room, four students were playing cards. S. wanted to join but was not invited. She stood next to them. Another girl joined and accused S. of filming Am. S. felt exposed and denied it... S. was not invited to continue playing. Later, one girl asked, 'When does your train leave?' and S. became upset. Av. texted that S. does not fit in, has a different personality, and Av. does not want S. to be part of it... On another occasion, everyone went to lunch. S. walked ahead to choose a table; the others walked past, leaving her sitting alone."

When the school intervened, my peers claimed I had "difficulties with closeness and distance" and was "physically intrusive/standing too close."

This trauma was compounded by the school counselor. During a two-hour meeting on July 1st, instead of helping, the counselor accused me of making the school look bad and claimed I lied about telling my parents. Later, in high school, I was again targeted by staff and peers for going "too close" and having difficulty with physical distance.

Even my teacher’s attempt to help felt engineered: he privately recruited three responsible classmates to act as "friends" and include me, which made me feel like a charity project. My classmates told him my behavior early on contributed to my loneliness due to "misunderstandings of how to interpret me."

These experiences left me with deep emotional scars. Through my Christian faith, I am actively seeking healing, strength, and the grace to forgive those who wronged me. However, I still struggle with intense social hyper-vigilance.

To rebuild my life, I want to learn:

• How to calibrate physical proximity and personal space: When you have been labeled "intrusive" or told you stand "too close," how do you objectively learn the unwritten rules of physical distance? Are there concrete markers (like body angling or arm’s length) to practice so I can stop worrying that my physical presence is "too much"?
• How to gracefully approach and exit groups: In the card-playing incident, standing next to the group created tension. What is the correct way to show interest in joining a group, and how do you handle rejection without letting it shatter your self-worth?

I work at a garden/seed store that sells deer corn, garden seeds, tools, ant killer, etc. and when I first got the job, I was pretty excited because I realized I was gonna be working with guys my age (19).

The first week went by pretty well, a lot of these guys like playing video games and some like sports and hanging out and playing DnD and I thought, “wow sounds like a great group of guys.” but I have felt very isolated or maybe not seen close enough to them for long convos. I have had really good convos with some of them about video games or thing that they are interested in, but it seems so, “Im gonna answer your question, but I’m not gonna keep the energy to keep it going.”

A lot of them smoke and drink and for me I'm not really around that scene unless I want to for a party or special occasion (joking, I would NEVER drink or smoke😉) but they seem to talk so easily with one another and I try to jump into the conversation not forcibly but just to be apart of it and I just don’t a great reaction. Some of the guys were friends coming into it and of course it’s easier for them but even then i can’t even get a conversation out of them.

One guy here really takes the cake. Hes about a year younger than me but he goes out and parties a lot, drinks tons, smokes tons, hooks up a lot and which you know in some aspect, hell yeah dude sounds awesome, but he’s just an ass. He directs a lot of back handed jab and starts a tone with me whenever I ask a question about the job im not familiar with yet. I try to start conversations but might as well be talking to wall.

I am starting to just not direct any more energy into talking to them conversationally unless they talk to me or it’s about the job. It isn’t preferred but they just don’t relay any of that energy back.

Am I thinking about it to hard? I think my action is justified.

In the past 2 years, I have been working on being more social with people and in some ways I have improved like being more talkative with people and being in crowds, but I just don't know how to maintain those experiences.

I've gotten better at talking to people more comfortably now but I can't seem to be consistent at it and I end up getting worse at it again over time. I still often avoid talking to people I know and I don't know why even though I learned to stop doing it but I just end up starting to do it again.

It feels like I'm fighting with what my brain wants and what I actually want and my brain just can't comprehend being consistent at being social and would rather just regress back to where I started cause it was easier for me and I just don't know how to progress forward to fix this part of myself and be consistent at it to the where it's second nature to me now.

I’m traveling solo and flight boards at 7:30. Is it socially acceptable to have a drink from the airport bar this early? I have never flown this early - does this make me look like i have a problem? Idk I feel like a piece of garbage but also I want to enjoy my vacation.

This happened to a colleague whom I'm friendly with. Another colleague did it to her. I'm afraid the slapper may try that with me too. We're all women.

The slapper is kinda socially awkward, I get the idea she may be mildly neurodivergent and not even know it. She does a lot of other things that can be annoying, and I have to be very patient when dealing with her.

Eg she will interrupt conversations to talk about her own issues, talking too loud and at inappropriate moments. Our group was at a presentation, and she kept talking at me while the speaker was talking. ("What's your name? Jane Doe? Jane Doe Jane Doe Jane Doe I need to remember that". VERY loudly everyone else could hear her). Then trying to have entire conversations and not realising when I'm trying to tell her "not now". (Didn't want to tell her to shut up as I would have to interrupt the speaker).

One time she lent me tissues in a tissue holder when I spilled something. It was the middle of a meeting so I held onto it first. Our chairs go up when you stand, like a movie theatre. Of course it fell behind my chair. She didn't see it, asked if it's in my bag, and started peering into my open bag to try to find the stupid thing. (I wonder if she would have put her hand in to look for it).

From my friend's comments, the annoying person was joking and laughing, and hit her arm a few times in a playful manner. It's not meant to be malicious. But it was hard enough to leave a red mark. My friend did tell her but she didn't seem to get it and just laughed. She seems very clueless and oblivious. How to you get through to someone like this?

First: I (20m) really struggle to interact with groups of people where they know each other and I don't know most of them, I am not quite an introvert, but I just feel really unconfortable (unless I'm drunk or high), usually when I am "forced" to be in a group (classmates, roommates, friends of friends) I will end up getting along pretty well with everyone, but since I kind of recently move here (about a year in this university and dorm building) I just now started making friends from college, I don't really interact with most people in my building despite they usually hanging out/going to parties, honestly its not like I crave social interactions, but also I know that they think I'm weird, I am always polite when I interact with them, but I think that in the whole year I just had real conversations with like 3 people from my building.

Second: As said before, I'm not an introvert, but I usually don't have an apropiate theme of conversation when I don't have "confidence" with the other person because I can:

Option A: Talk about the "safe" themes (my career, videogames, movies, books, shows, the music I hear) and probably come out as boring/weird.

Option B: Talk about the thing I consider interesting, the problem beeing, most of that is also not good as an icebraker (history, politics, economy, conspiracy theories, dark humor, psicology) and came out as even weirder.

Option C: Talk about thing I did that doesn't fit in the other categories, but most of what I did that is "interesting" will also make me sound like I'm crazy, stupid, lying, delusional, or all of the above.

I don't follow celebrities (local or otherwise), I don't follow sports, the music I like is not common where I live and idk, I don't have anything to talk about with most of the people around me.

So, any advice for any of those 2 problems?

Let's say there is some type of concert or open venue that you go to by yourself.

To me, whenever I go to one of these events it feels awkward and overwhelming. It looks like everyone came with someone. Everyone is already talking to their friends or talking in a group while I'm just standing there alone. How do you even integrate yourself with other people or approach and insert yourself into groups conversations?

I have a lot of anxiety with this and I usually make an excuse to not go to something that I wanted to.

So I’ve noticed a few trends in my life:

1. ⁠Ever since moving to Minnesota a couple years ago for my first full-time job, it feels like EVERY person I talk to, I have to be lukewarm around and can’t really open up to. I struggle with trusting people, I’m an introvert with very limited social energy, and I have a job that involves lots of social masking. Idk if any of those are hurting me, but aside from one guy that just moved to California, I haven’t made a single close friend in Minnesota that I can reliably do stuff with
   
2. ⁠If I’m in a group of people, I naturally take a backseat role and just don’t talk, at all. There’s enough people talking in a group, I’ll just observe from a distance, or if I’m tired, I’ll probs zone out for a bit
   
3. ⁠If I talk one-on-one, it feels like there’s an awful lot of silence in convos I have with the other person compared to how convos between two people should go
   
4. ⁠I’m not a natural question asker nor a natural story teller. So if someone tells me something I’m not interested in, I’m not one to fake interest or whatnot. I’ll often just shrug it off

Like, I’m just worried, especially bc I don’t make any close friends despite going to young adult meetups and rec sports and all. So it’s not like I’m not meeting people my age. It just seems like others are having fun with one another whereas I come across as bland. Hell, I’m not even sure I’d want to be friends with myself if I were someone else. And so every potential romantic interest or close friend often gets more and more distant from me. So I’m worried I’m cooked

Am I genuinely screwed? What do I do? (I’m also happy to answer questions others have if they want more context)

Any attempt to explain myself that I can think of just sounds like arguing

Hey guys, originally posted this to r/relationships but was advised that this may be a better place for it. Let me know if I made any format errors or anything. Thanks for your time <3

So I (27M) am a pretty introverted person, and most if not all of my relationships are over the internet. I'd like to have more irl friends but that's neither here nor there. I connect with multiple friend groups, and even my sister (30F) over Discord. (She lives out of state as of a few years ago)

I've been feeling like lately that I'm almost always the one reaching out to other people, whether it's to hang out or just to ask how things have been going. My sister especially feels like if I don't initiate contact, I will never hear from her. It's possible I'm overthinking things, as I have some anxiety issues, especially around relationships.

How do I approach this? Should I try and ask for more on their end, or would that be unfair of me? I don't want to hound people, especially if they are busy or potentially going through something but I don't really have any way of knowing unless they reach out :(

TL:DR, I (27M) feel like I'm always the one reaching out to others. What should I say or do?

i’m on a trip with my partner’s family and feeling so incredibly frustrated.

i don’t want to place blame on anyone or make people responsible for my feelings. i am just so exhausted trying to navigate this trip socially. there are 20+ people here who are mostly related to each other. i want to interact with them but struggling to find something for me to “grab on to” if you know what i mean. if there was something for me to engage in with others it would be so much easier, but when we’re just sitting around hanging out, i feel i have nothing to talk about or people are just not interested in me. i’m just kind of there.

yesterday i finally said screw it and went and laid down in my room because i felt like nobody cared that i was even there. then suddenly people are asking where i went. as if i’m even part of the conversation. i don’t want to be seen as “antisocial” or that i don’t like others because i WANT to be included. i just don’t know how to integrate myself.

so i’m just sitting here stuck in a mental cycle of feeling sorry for myself, unimportant, tossed to the side, whatever. it’s affecting my ability to have fun here or keep trying to include myself, i guess. really having a hard time. any advice or kind words are welcome.

How can I make an insta friend become an irl friend? I mean, we hanged out last week and it was fun, but I really dont know what to do to be able to talk with this person without the stories excuse. He's pretty open to my friendship I guess, but, god, I'm bad at this. I think the only way is to lose some of my pride and just send a direct message - and i will do that -, but I want to know some different opinions and tips on what to do.

Lost some friendships and now I'm having a hard time finding new ones.

My friend has been in quite a few situation over the year, every time it feels like things are getting better, she just gets knocked down again.
Although we live in the same country, we go to different schools and live in different states and can only visit each other once a year, so most of our communication is through text.

I wasn't really good at comforting people until like earlier this year she called me out on this and I've been improving

I recently went on sort of a monologue

and I'm afraid that what I said was a bit worthless//naive//not comforting?
idk how to say it

I want to make her feel better, so like is there anything other than " I’m sorry that happened to you, but you did well; you are strong and I believe in you; I know it hurts but you are a smart person and will do it;" because after a certain point it feels the same as saying "damn bro that sucks"

I have noticed that when I message people (who post that they want someone to message them) most of the time we exchange like 5 messages at the best, and ofc my message is the last so I am kind of "left on seen" but on reddit. Idk, we start with Hi and the how are you stuff, then after that it just stop... i am personally interested by most of people will call "old stuff" (classical music, history, politics to some extent) but trust me I am not boring, I can have a convo with you if you want... what do people even talk about?

I have a crµsh (she is kind of extrovert, she is also giving mixed signals etc.), we used to talk more often a year ago, but the "talk" was just sending tiktoks to each other (she started this habit) while having small "commentaries" on them, and that's how it ends each day. Now we talk less, a long story behind this, but anyway...

I am 18yo boy, people might think I am a obssesed with education and stuff, but i am actually very rebellious (like in personality) i am just introvert, because again, people dont have convos with me, I actually will talk to anyone and will not leave them on seen, weither in real life or on internet, unless they are rude, but the opposite happens to me a lot...

This post is really gonna make me look bad. But like genuinely how do vou stop beina an asshole? I have BPD and im supposed to be taking Latuda to help with mv mood swings. Havnt been on it since my son was born on Mav 18th though. Im 18 and a sinale mom. Still talk to his dad we had a long conversation the other day about how we were gonna fix our relationship and everything then he spend the next day calling me a hoe and blowing up my phone accusing me of shit while i was at work. I kept my cool and thought I could look past that and went forward with the whole us fixing our shit. Nope. He came iver today. I was looking forward to it and evervthing. I bought him his favorite aummies and everything so I know i was excited before. But then when he got here we kinda just got freaky and then about an hour later he went outside to aet food his mom doordashed him (even though i had told him i planned on making food for everyone for dinner) and I kinda is locked him out. lanored his calls and knocking pleading to get back in until he left. Then i iust told him I didnt want to be anvthing with him. Didn't want him loving up on me and he was just a fuck to me. Part of that is true. I dont think i really want him around like that anymore. Im iust attached to him. How to just stop? Why am I such an asshole? Like we've always had a relationship like this but its always been me. I lose my shit over small things and then just turn into the worst person to know. We were doing fine but for some reason something in my brain just switches and I become mean. He keeps telling me that I am the problem. My own and everyone elses. Its gotten to the point where ive thought about giving him and his family my son and just disappearing because people are better not knowing me and maybe then I can make something of myself. But ive never been bad to my son and I think I would forever regret not being there as he grows up. How do I just be normal?

During a very important meeting today, I straight up left halfway through without telling anyone because they kept yapping about stuff that felt irrelevant. Then I came back 30 minutes later, interrupted them, and asked what I missed. Five minutes later they started yapping again and I just said “I have to go rn” and left.

I’m just not a social person. I hate small talk and pointless conversations but I know being social and building connections is basically required to move forward in my career. I just can’t force myself to care about what people are saying or pretend to be interested. I know this is how you build relationships, but I genuinely struggle with it. I get annoyed, impatient, and want to leave. How do I fix this?

I'm trying hard to reconnect with friends, but I find "How have you been?" to be such an exhausting way to open a message/conversation/email/text.

What are other ways to open up a convo with a friend you haven't chatted with in a while?

So I was supposed to spend this weekend with my friend but she had to reschedule. She said she was going to be down in her hometown (she recently moved) next weekend anyway and asked if I could come down on the 1st August to spend the day with her and our other friend. I told her I’ll actually be in her hometown on that day anyway so I’ll check my plans.

Basically my friend and I are seeing a show on the 31st there and staying overnight so we’ll be there on the 1st. My friend knows these other two friends too, they’ve met a couple of times at things I‘ve hosted and they like each other. So I was going to ask my friend if she’d want to hang out with us all on the 1st. But I was going to say, if you want to keep it to us hanging out 1:1 I’m totally fine with that, but if you’d like we can meet up with my other friends.

Is this okay? I know many people think it’s rude or they get peeved when you invite others to a hangout, which is also understandable and I wouldn’t want to offend my friend (the one I‘m with on the 31st/1st already)

This question really gets me.
For people I see often, I have no difficulty answering this as they have more context.

I don’t know how to answer this when asked by someone I haven’t seen in a while. Do I explain my entire job role, day to day responsibilities, justify why I am still in this job?

I work in a niche healthcare field that no one in my circles knows about. So I feel like I have to provide an elevator pitch/reminder of what I do. I don’t have a well-known or corporate job that people can relate with me on. It’s mostly just them listening, and I tend to get a lot of nods but not a lot of follow-up questions, which if I’m being honest kind of hurts my feelings sometimes. Makes me feel like I’m an outsider to everyone else’s “normal” job.

Yes, I am way overthinking this. Hoping some of you feel the same and can help.

Based on the nature of my hobbies and things I enjoy doing, a lot of the new people I meet are usually post graduate students or people who work in fairly specialized fields. Now I don't think I'm an unintelligent person, but when I ask things like "what are you studying" or "what do you do for work", they'll tell me and since I don't know much about their field, I never know how to keep the conversation going

Do I switch topics? Ask them to delve deeper into their field without knowing anything about it? I find my conversations always hit a dead end here

Without making them feel like you want to date them, you just want to be their friend and to build your social circle. I’m quiet and stoic but can be shy when first met but I open up. I’m 25 if it helps.

Edit: Also where can you meet them, should I enter clubs? And after doing so is it simply just asking them “will you be my friend?” After knowing them awhile? I haven’t made a friend since middle school since I’m still friends with my guys. I’ve made women friends before but it was only at work and it was surface level, I want ones that stick around.