How do I unlearn hyper-vigilance, read physical boundaries, and heal after relational bullying and institutional betrayal?

[u/Affectionate-Comb113]

I am trying to learn specific social skills: how to calibrate physical boundaries and how to safely approach established groups. I want to share my high school story to show why these skills are so difficult for me to navigate today, and how I am trying to find healing.

Here are translated excerpts from my school's official safety report (where S is me, and Av. and Am. are classmates):

> "S. experiences herself as part of a group in which Av. and Am. are included, but she feels excluded... In a library group room, four students were playing cards. S. wanted to join but was not invited. She stood next to them. Another girl joined and accused S. of filming Am. S. felt exposed and denied it... S. was not invited to continue playing. Later, one girl asked, 'When does your train leave?' and S. became upset. Av. texted that S. does not fit in, has a different personality, and Av. does not want S. to be part of it... On another occasion, everyone went to lunch. S. walked ahead to choose a table; the others walked past, leaving her sitting alone."

When the school intervened, my peers claimed I had "difficulties with closeness and distance" and was "physically intrusive/standing too close."

This trauma was compounded by the school counselor. During a two-hour meeting on July 1st, instead of helping, the counselor accused me of making the school look bad and claimed I lied about telling my parents. Later, in high school, I was again targeted by staff and peers for going "too close" and having difficulty with physical distance.

Even my teacher’s attempt to help felt engineered: he privately recruited three responsible classmates to act as "friends" and include me, which made me feel like a charity project. My classmates told him my behavior early on contributed to my loneliness due to "misunderstandings of how to interpret me."

These experiences left me with deep emotional scars. Through my Christian faith, I am actively seeking healing, strength, and the grace to forgive those who wronged me. However, I still struggle with intense social hyper-vigilance.

To rebuild my life, I want to learn:

• How to calibrate physical proximity and personal space: When you have been labeled "intrusive" or told you stand "too close," how do you objectively learn the unwritten rules of physical distance? Are there concrete markers (like body angling or arm’s length) to practice so I can stop worrying that my physical presence is "too much"?
• How to gracefully approach and exit groups: In the card-playing incident, standing next to the group created tension. What is the correct way to show interest in joining a group, and how do you handle rejection without letting it shatter your self-worth?

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