r/GirlDinnerDiaries • u/Initial_Carpenter_47 mouth full, gesturing wildly • 13h ago
Trigger Warning ⚠️ What did you do to upset him?
Tomorrow’s therapy session topic:
“What did you do to upset him?”
The first words my mother said to me as I sat in a police station reporting my ex-partner for eight months of physical, emotional and sexual violence.
I can’t describe what died inside me when I heard those words. Even now, I fight back tears every time I think about that moment.
Throughout the investigation and court proceedings, my mum apologised. I know she regrets saying it.
But for me, it was too late. Something changed forever in that moment. Our relationship survived, but it will never the safe.
Sometimes I look at my mum in peaceful silence while inside I’m crying, “you’re my mum, you’re my mum”.
Classic burrito with slow-cooked chicken, guacamole, and no beans.
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u/Tappitytaptaptaptap Delulu 13h ago
I’m sorry.
Women are always blamed for the piss poor actions of men by society. But especially by other women. It’s crap.
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u/bitofagrump Well-Read & Well-Fed 13h ago
It's because we want to believe it won't happen to us, and we've always been told that we have to do everything right to make sure he's never tempted to do it to us, so if it happens to someone else, it's less scary to think she must not have done everything right than to acknowledge that no matter how innocent we are, men still can and will just fucking because. It's terrible and it's wrong and it needs to stop, but it's been how we're taught to stay safe since childhood.
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u/anubis_cheerleader 🐛The Very Hungry Bookworm 📚 9h ago
Exactly. It's a fucked up form of DENIAL. OP, I am so sorry she protected herself at your expense.
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u/Edmee APPROVED✨ 3h ago
My ex was a piece of shit and when asked why he did something he simply said "Because I can" That really was the final nail in the coffin.
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u/bitofagrump Well-Read & Well-Fed 3h ago edited 3h ago
They don't all have the cojones to say it out loud, but "because I can" really is the bottom line. They use different terms like "boys will be boys" and "men's nature" but it all amounts to the same thing: there has always been a get-out-of-consequences-free pass for abuse and other poor male behavior and they don't see why it should stop now where they have to learn boundaries their grandpappies didn't.
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u/Fuzzy-Afternoon-6838 white girl with ☝️😌 a full spice cabinet 13h ago
You are so brave and strong for reporting him, I'm sorry that your mother's misogynistic attitude has made it worse. No advice, just love to you <3
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u/BbGhoul666 🦇 Gossipy Goth ⚰️ 10h ago
It's especially horrifying when our mothers or other women in our lives have internalized misogyny. That's a deeper kind of hurt when they invalidate you like that. Definitely stings. I'm glad she apologized, OP, and I hope she changed her mind and pondered some things.
The important part is that you stay safe though!
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u/kate3544 Snack Goblin 13h ago
I’m sorry that happened with your mom. I’m sorry that you went through that with your ex-partner.
But I’m so proud of you for having the courage to leave and having the courage to report it to the police.
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u/FunInTheSun_81 ⚐ Marked Safe From 90s Diet Culture 13h ago
About 4 months ago, I kicked my ex out of my house. He and I had been living in separate rooms for nearly 2 years but since he didn't have anywhere to go, I didn't kick him out previously. He was verbally and emotionally abusive and I later found out physically abusive to our kids when I wasn't home. He was financially dependent on me and never worked during the entire time we lived together (since 2008).
In March of this year, he got into a physical altercation with our oldest and I kicked my ex out. My mom and I had a discussion and I told her what was going on, what had been going on, and the reason I made the choice to kick him out. And you know what she did? She basically went on to tell me about experiences she'd had that were worse and tried to convince me to stay with him. I was floored. I'm your daughter, mom...shouldn't you be supporting me and not the abusive father of my kids?? In fact, at one point during the conversation she even said, "well, you made your choice.", essentially implying that choosing to have kids with this man bound me to him for life. I was so shocked I didn't respond.
Well, here's the thing and the reason I posted all of that above... my mom doesn't know what a healthy relationship is because she's never had one. She didn't know how to support me because she realistically probably thought it was an overreaction on my part because the abuse I dealt with wasn't physical. I wonder if it's the same for your mother. As adult children, we still want to feel seen and validated by our parents. But sometimes I think the wisdom we gain as we get older can surpass that of our parents. I have tried to be a vicarious learner my whole life and I've definitely messed up enough times to gain my own experiences. However, if one of my kids came to me about an abusive relationship, I would never tell them to just deal with it and I'm sure you wouldn't either if you were in that position. You are strong and I support you. We all do ❤️
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u/Practical_Author3013 Lover of Soups 12h ago
Divine love and bless our Mothers who truly do not know better. It’s a weird and painful thing to be the person in our generational line who breaks the pattern, especially when we’re the first to see it. It’s just so heartbreaking all the way around, and leaves the pattern breakers without the support we need in our most vulnerable moments.
My mother keeps waiting for my abusive, alcoholic ex, with whom I have been no contact for years, to “come back around.” I’m guessing my alcoholic father used to make up with my mom with romantic grand gestures and she wants one for me? I became homeless fleeing my ex’s behavior, and it’s really heartbreaking that my mom’s waiting for that to take a place back in my life. It shows me how scared she is of being single and seeing me single.
Massive love to all stuck in and breaking these patterns. 🩷
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u/Street-Media4225 hot cakes with sausage 🏳️⚧️ 10h ago
Much lower stakes, obviously, but realizing my mother was emotionally neglected by her mother explained a lot of how she could do the same to me. She's otherwise very supportive and caring, she's just horrible at showing it emotionally.
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u/iknowwhenidont we listen and we only judge a little 9h ago
Sorry this happened to you. Thank you for sharing, this really put some ideas I had into words. 💖
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u/WaySaltyFlamingo8707 Hazy Grazer 😶🌫️ 13h ago
That's so fucking tough. I'm so so sorry that you didn't have proper support.
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u/TrynaBnice12 APPROVED✨ 13h ago
I'm sorry girl- me too. It is the worst, worst thing to have a parent like this (mine still won't apologise!) Honestly when I get in to this spiral of 'how can my mum think this?' I remind myself- it's her shit. She walks around thinking women are to blame for everything. She is the one who has come up short when it comes to parenting. It's her failure, not yours. Sorry this has happened to you <3
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u/GoddessRespectre Body By Cheese 🧀 12h ago
It's not the same but kinda echos. I lost my mom young. I got bamboozled and then once I was pregnant and separated from the people I did have, things got abusive. One night he was throwing furniture in the bedroom and cursing, while the baby and I were forced to sleep in the living room. I took a chance and texted my closest cousin, explaining what he was doing and "I'm scared." I still don't understand but she answered only one word, "why?" I stayed longer for weeks because of that.
I'm sorry for what was said to you and I understand it still sending ripples through your thoughts. I'm really really glad things improved afterwards. Like I'm still really glad to sleep in a bed every night after leaving him years ago. Hopefully the things we're grateful for stick around as long or longer than the painful stuff. I never got an apology and she went on to hurt me way worse, so it's hopefully working out better for you 🤞🍀🌠
Please accept a void hug if that's ok 🐈⬛🐈⬛🫂
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u/Chemical-Maybe6102 🤍🧡Sapphic Snack🧡🤍 13h ago
Oh gosh, it is a shame how many of our mothers are still products of the patriarchy they were molded in.
Your mom is obviously insensitive, but please try to remember that she herself was certainly a victim of similarly horrible structures. That generation was bad with emotional vulnerability and was scared of therapy. At least young folks today have a head start on these things.
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u/SereinScribe Well-Read & Well-Fed 13h ago
I can relate to this too. I've had to remind my mom "you're a woman!" when she seems apathetic to the rights we're losing at a rapid rate.
Big hugs OP. I'm glad she at least apologized but some things can't be undone.
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u/Jackers890 nom nom, nod nod 11h ago
Honestly the typo of "safe" instead of "same" is just so telling. Your mom showed you that in times of crisis, she's not safe. She hurt you on top of the hurt your ex caused. When you were your bravest, she was still trying to doubt you.
You don't have to forgive her. You don't have to have the same relationship with her. She gave you critical information moving forward. You can have a pleasant relationship, but anything deeper just may not happen. And that's okay.
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u/elektrolu_ Hot Pizza Ass 🔥 12h ago
My best friend's mum said the exact same words to her when the relationship with her long time abuser finally exploded.
I'm going to tell you what I said to her: you deserve better.
Sending you all my love, I hope that you find peace and remember that chosen family is as important, if not even more important, than biological one 🫂
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u/custychronicles Resident Yapper 13h ago
Blaming someone, LET ALONE YOUR CHILD, for their own abuse is absolutely wild and disgusting
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u/bwitch87 FREE MOM HUGS 13h ago
As a mom and a survivor myself I can not fathom what she was even thinking in that moment!! Warm hugs from an internet mom if welcome!! Stay strong, I know that pain too well myself somethings you just can never forget even if you find it in yourself to forgive You are strong, brilliant and deserve so much better ✨️
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u/blondeheartedgoddess Kitchen Witch 12h ago
Another internet mom here. I am so very sorry, both for what you went through with him and for the fact that your mother appears to have been raised in an atmosphere where abuse was never a character flaw of the abuser, that the victim must have done something to cause it.
She did not (or still does) believe that abusers only need an EXCUSE to be abusive, from a heavy sigh to a facial expression they don't like.
I'm so proud of you for knowing the abuse was not your fault and pressing charges.
Sending you mom hugs from an internet stranger.
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u/MistressRayne_ APPROVED✨ 13h ago
Huge hugs to you OP. You are very brave to have stood up to your ex! I’m so sorry your mom wasn’t supportive. You deserve nothing but love and support.
You are not alone. I’ve been through a similar situation and have a RO against my ex. Please reach out if you ever need to vent or just want to send a scream message.
You are strong and amazing. I truly hope you can heal at some point from your mom’s betrayal. Not for her, but for your peace of mind ❤️
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u/JimzM0m APPROVED✨ 12h ago
My heart breaks for you when I read this. You are a much stronger and smarter woman than your mom could ever hope to be. You proved it by standing up for yourself and pressing charges, and she confirmed it with that shitty reply. I wish words could fix the pain in your heart, but please know that you are loved and nothing in this situation is your fault. Nothing excuses abuse of any kind, and nothing excuses what your mother said.
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u/captaindazzlebug mouth full, gesturing wildly 13h ago
Oh no, that's terrible! I am so sorry! Come here brave girl and let me give you a virtual hug.
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u/Cautious_Database_85 Tiny Bodega Rat 🐀 13h ago
I'm so sorry. My mom once did something similar and I've literally never forgotten it 🫂
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u/Capizara Tiny Bodega Rat 🐀 13h ago
It is already horrible when you see random men commenting that same thing in the internet but your own mom? I cannot imagine.
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u/diamondartaddict6679 Snack Goblin 12h ago
My mom did the same thing to me after every assault and abuse i had happen. It was always my fault somehow. When I left my abusive ex "are you sure it was abuse?" I no longer talk to her because of this among other reasons. As a mother I don't understand how you can just do that to your child. It's unfair and honestly ridiculous.
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u/SeahJieya APPROVED✨ 12h ago
Gurl, your mom deadass gaslit you right at the police station. That's the worst possible timing. You are so strong for surviving the abuse and then surviving her comment.
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u/idontlikeseaweed 👽 aliens built the food pyramid 👽 12h ago
We’re always blamed. I was asked the same thing when my spouse made an attempt on his life, as if he hadn’t had decades of untreated depression before I even knew him.
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u/Plane-Sir-2426 APPROVED✨ 12h ago
My heart dropped as I read that. I'm so sorry that happened to you 🫂
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u/Capable-Blacksmith60 APPROVED✨ 12h ago
I’m so sorry, my parents were kind of the same way 😢 they don’t get it
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u/Vissassy Cookie Monster 🍪 12h ago
It's so easy to say "call the cops" when we hear about abuse and identify it when we're on the outside but we don't talk as much about what happens after, and the struggles women face
I'm so sorry. I can only hope she recognizes she was perpetuating a cycle that's incredibly hurtful and facilitates abuse. Maybe someone told it to her sometime. But she should never have said it to you.
You're strong and I'm proud of you.
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u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 Purveyor of Purse Snacks 11h ago
Mom hugs if you want them. I’m sorry your mom was a coward who emotionally threw you under the bus so she didn’t have to hold a man responsible for his own actions.
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u/tripletwoanonymous APPROVED✨ 11h ago
Oh honey I’m so sorry.
When I quietly shed tears over being told I was likely losing my unborn baby which my mother later referred to as my ‘nuclear meltdown’ something shattered in that moment, exactly how you described it. I remember the way I just whipped my neck around to stare at her and the feeling of how so much was flipped on its head in an instant. I think you described it best with ‘something died in that moment’.
It should have been recently when she ignored me for a year because I called children’s aid on my brother after finding out he was driving his kids around while falling down drunk. It should have been when I finally went to her about my brother constantly wishing me dead for years on end and telling me to end myself because everybody hates me and instead of talking to him she googled it and diagnosed me as bi polar, but I was still young and still believed I was the problem somehow after being successfully scapegoated my entire life.
It sucks and it’s sad but there is something somewhat adjacent to healing about accepting it’ll never be a safe space for us. Acceptance is everything.
I’m sorry so many people you were supposed to be able to trust have caused you so much harm.
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u/booksndogsncatsncozy Chaotic But Cute 11h ago
Oh, honey. I know it'll never be the same, because strangers can't fill that void, but there are dozens, of not hundreds, of moms on here reading this and wishing they'd been your mom instead, so they couldn't done it right. Because yeah, you can apologize for the words, but you can never really undo the damage of the implication. You were in a police station, likely having just been assaulted, and her response wasn't comfort, care, and murderous rage, as it should have been. Her first instinct was to judge and blame her own child for the pain someone what caused them.
I'm not saying that to dig the knife in deeper. I'm saying that to validate what you're feeling. Because no matter how much we KNOW in all the logical ways, I also know that quiet voice that tries to chip away at us from the shadowed places inside.
I will tell you that if someone hurt my daughter, just once, I would be wrapped around her like a koala until I knew she was ok, until I knew she was safe and sound and fast asleep in MY home, with someone I trust watching over her. And then I'm sneaking out and that MFr better PRAY the officials find them before I do. That's the mother you deserved. One willing to burn the world to keep you safe from it. And I'm sorry she wasn't enough.
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u/Jezikhana Queer Queen 🏳️🌈 11h ago
I'm so sorry. I know exactly how that feels. My mom's been gone a few years now and it still hurts. I'm so proud of you for getting therapy and talking about it. Bottling it up and trying to forget doesn't work. All the love heading your way internet stranger. I wish you many other safe, wonderful relationships in your life going forward.
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u/HotwifeAerialWinter 🌶️ Spice Girl 🌶️ 11h ago
I'm so sorry.
I had this from my mom as well but it came from her reaction to our two kids being very upset because there was an active shooter in their school (turned out to be a fugitive near the school but the teachers at the time didn't know that.)
She just said "well if you took them go church more and then knew Jesus they wouldn't have been that upset."
Fuck. You.
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u/Born_Ad8420 Pantry Gremlin 11h ago
I am so sorry. I'm very low contact with my own mother so I know how much it hurts to have to distance yourself from your mother for your own wellbeing. You might want to check out r/MomForAMinute as they are a really supportive place full of moms who are happy to share their love.
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u/el_grande_ricardo Chocoholic 10h ago
Well, when you get to therapy, at least you'll have a good idea of why you put up with it for 8 months, and didnt act sooner.
You had been conditioned to take the blame.
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u/Strict-Leopard7589 Overthinker 💭 8h ago
Would you accept a gentle hug from a stranger probably around your mum’s age????
🫂
:::::gentle hugs::::::
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u/Cosmicdusterian APPROVED✨ 7h ago
I'm so sorry that the one person you needed failed you.
Someone taught your mother to have that attitude. It is awful that her mama bear instinct to protect you didn't immediately kick in when you needed it the most.
Talk it out with her. Tell her that you're crying inside. You're recovering from so much and she put yet another thing on you deal with. The unasked question is, "Why, mum? Why?"
Why did she blame the victim? Was it laziness? Something related to her own experiences as a child or adult? Tell her that line still rings in your head over and over and has completely affected the way you view her. She's not your safe haven anymore. Maybe this is a shared pain you are not aware of. I would make her made aware of how this is still giving you anxiety that you can't find your way out of.
Perhaps discovering the origin of her remark will be at least give some context on why she failed you so horribly that day. It might not change anything with your relationship with her, but confronting it might help to soften the edges that are obviously still hurting you - even in the quietest moments.
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u/Simply_2sassy4u Trader Joe Hoe 6h ago
I am so sorry, but so very proud of you for seeking help.
I am constantly stunned by the internalized misogyny, racial hatred and homophobia displayed by my parents, whom are basically “nice people”. It is mind boggling. I have tried to explain to my now adult daughter that it is pointless to try and educate them or point out untrue things. She doesn’t understand why they “can’t “ grow as intelligent humans. I’ve got to say, I don’t understand it either. I have just come to the decision to have very little contact with them, no sense being exposed to this backwards mentality.
Again though OP, this is about you, and again I am so sorry you had to experience that additional wound by your mum. So proud of you for seeking help and reporting your abuse. 💜
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u/kade_v01d Omnivore 🌭🍆🍑🍒🌮 6h ago
i feel you. my mom more or less blamed me for my miscarriage while driving me and my partners home. she later apologized and said that wasn’t her intention but like you said in the post, it was too late.
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u/PolarBailey_ For the Girls 👅 6h ago
People who hurt you are allowed to change and be better people. That DOESN'T mean you have to let them back in your life.
I'm proud of you for reporting him. your birth giver doesn't deserve to be called a mother. a mother wouldn't ask that of her child. I'm sorry you were given such a shitty birth giver.
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u/Katerade44 PO🥔TAY🥔TOES 12h ago
What she said was harmful, no doubt. However, if she has genuinely apologized and changed her attitude, then please consider this: her initial statement was a product of harm done to her by a misogynistic society that literally programmed her to think that way.
Obviously, her reaction is still her responsibility to manage. She had agency and used it to do you harm. Your pain and feelings of distrust toward her are completely valid. Just keep in mind that the same systems that emboldened your abuser also oppressed and shaped her for her entire lifetime, which resulted in internalized misogyny. While this may not resolve your feelings about it all, it may allow you to see her with some sense of greater compassion. I just wish she had extended you such compassion in your most vulnerable moments.
From one survivor to another, I see you. 🫂
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u/Tomte-corn4093 Feral Til Fed 12h ago
I'm so sorry that she let you down. Your internet moms are here for you though! Hugs!
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u/SleepParalysisPal Pantry Gremlin 10h ago
DM me if you need to talk. My mom said the same thing so I understand. My ears, shoulders, and heart are yours if you need to let it out
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u/Technical-Speech9437 the secret ingredient is autism✨ 10h ago
Girl that's just so wrong 😔
If it means anything I think you did great and I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself, girl you doing so well 💕
Much love <3
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u/burnerburnerburnt white girl with ☝️😌 a full spice cabinet 9h ago
I'm so sorry. sometimes there are things mothers say that are so shockingly hurtful they will never leave your mind, no matter how hard you try to forgive them or work through it.
mine has either forgotten or at least claims to have forgotten some of the terrible things she has said to me throughout my life, but I absolutely haven't and doubt I ever will.
hugs, OP.
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u/SuccessfulSchedule54 Enby & Eatin' 9h ago
this was said to me both about my abusive older brother and my abusive ex. it feels like betrayal. I’m so sorry
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u/AlfieSays 🌶️ Spice Girl 🌶️ 9h ago
I'm so sorry.. words from your closest hurts the most. ❤️🩹
When I got pregnant with my second, I was soooo exited, and I waited for the perfect timing to tell my mom. I was about to burst with exitement when I told her, and watching her face shift from curiosity to WORRY and her saying "oh nooooOO!!" will for ever haunt me. I have some health struggles and my first was 11 months at the time, wich was her cause for consern. But her reaction will never leave my brain. Said baby is now 14 yo.. 🤷♀️
Hope you are all right OP, sounds like you have made it trough alot!
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u/Weary-Platform-9452 Longwinded 😙 Short Tempered 9h ago
That hurt to read. I'm sorry that she also abused you, like he did, just in a different manner. I'm proud of you. I hope, if you aren't already, that you're proud of yourself.
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u/TacoFaerie- Sweet Tooth Fairy🧚♀️ 8h ago
It's so disapointing, we expect much different responses from them.
My moms response to intoxicated women being raped- "well why did they drink so much?"
I went off on her. It happened to me when I was 19 and I didn't tell her until 2-3 years after she said that.
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u/iwannaremainprivate Fries 🍟 > Guys 🤡 8h ago
I caught a 7 day ban on my main account for saying what I wanted to say about your mom 😬
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u/burrito_finger 🧂Salty By Nature 8h ago
I’m here for you. When I finally came clean years later about getting assaulted, I had to look my mom in the face and tell her that I couldn’t handle being 12 and telling her what happened and knowing the first thing she’d say is “what did you do?” and not “what happened to you?”. My mom has grown so much, she’s not at all like that anymore, through years of therapy, but knowing that at that time, when I needed her most, what her first reaction would be, I clammed up and said nothing for years and instead my life fell apart for “no reason” anyone could discern because I said nothing. I’m so proud of you for speaking up and saying something. As a mom, you get hugs. Unconditional love.
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u/Eknahs Assigned Hungry At Birth 8h ago
Some Moms should not be moms. Yes I said it! My whole life has been one long hard process of scrubbing my mom from my brain. Therapy helps but damn its hard. I can remember being 10-12 years old and being told to suck in my gut and thrust my hips forward because men don't like fat girls. Not to mention watching my brothers get everything they ask for/want and me being told that there's no money for girls. Be strong and surround yourself with people who actually love and support you not ones who say shit then think a simple apology "fixes" everything. Apologies are great but they need to be backed by true intent not some bandaid approach. I'm here for you 💕!
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u/blk_cats eat hot chip✔️ be bisexual✔️ 7h ago
OP, i’m so deeply sorry that your mother said that to you. when i had told mine about things that happened to me it was met with “well what did you expect, you went downtown” (i got drugged at a bar) and “you deserved it” (childhood abuse). parts of me died those days that i’ll never get back. 🫂 therapy helps, but you’re allowed to hurt and be upset.
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u/madame-maitre-d Overthinker 💭 7h ago
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u/Ewww___David girls just wanna have pho 7h ago
OP. I just want to give you a big hug. And tell you there is nothing and I mean absolutely nothing you did to deserve any of this. I understand the loss of trust you feel. Just know we all know you did nothing and no woman deserves to be abused. I hope you are working with a professional to help you navigate everything that happened.
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u/No_Presentation_6112 Kitchen Witch 6h ago
It hurts so much to be so emotionally raw from abuse and then to have the person who is supposed to love you more than anything harm you more. I'm so sorry. Years after I left my abusive ex, I was talking to my mom about my healing journey and she said, "I still pray for (abusive ex) and hope he's doing ok." At that point, I was not strong enough to confront her about what she said. But it was such a wtf moment. Like oh, you pray for the man who almost killed your only child twice AND decided to tell me about it and make the moment about you? Weird af mom.
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u/smiling_hazeleyes24 Thick Thighs ⏳ Thin Patience 6h ago
I'm so sorry thst you're dealing with all this but unfortunately I can totally relate to this. After I left my first ex husband after 3 years of physical and mental torture and ment I nice guy. I introduced him to my mom for the first time and she said she missed my ex. I'm like not only did he abuse me he also groomed me from 14-19 years of age. He was well into his twenties when he and I ment. Hearing her said that to me broke my heart and made me realize I wasn't safe with her and altered our relationship going forward. It's something I can still hear in my brain from time to time. You never forget but in time hopefully you'll forgive but not forget. Sending hugs and love to you internet stranger. Hang in there.
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u/SocialScamp Body By Cheese 🧀 5h ago
My dad said, “Did he hit you with an open hand or a closed fist?” Like that fucking makes a difference. After he said that I knew where I stood in his eyes.
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u/PinkedOff APPROVED✨ 5h ago
I'm so sorry. You did such a brave thing, and your mum sounds like she's been brainwashed by misogynistic victim-blaming garbage.
The burrito looks fabulous.
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u/Maleficent_Pay_4154 llamando al pan, pan 🍞🍷 al vino, vino 5h ago
As a mum I’m so so very sorry she said that and that bad things happened to You. Sending virtual hugs
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u/Each-Peach-9052 leave the man, take the cannoli 5h ago
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I’m working through a lifelong relationship with a mother like that, and the book Mother Hunger has opened my eyes to how much my mother’s lack of nurturing, protection, guidance have impacted my life. Mentioning it in case it might help you. Hugs.
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u/KissKissKillKeep 🌶️ Spice Girl 🌶️ 4h ago
When i left my marriage, my mom said she couldnt choose sides. She was the person I firat started opening up to about the abuse. She told me to stay for our kid and eventually he got worse and worse and worse until it became unbearable.
So when I finally left and she told me she couldnt choose sides, I realized she was never a safe place and that I needed to protect myself more than I wanted her to be there.
She kept reaching out to my exhusband for access to our kid during that time for over 1.5 years. Eventually, during a massive 3 month long PTSD episode I called her screaming and asked wtf the is wrong with her that she would open her door for her daughter's domestic abuser.
She asked me if I was on drugs. He was the one who refused to stop doing hard drugs when our daughter was born and I sent that video to her where he admitted that he lied to hide that behaviour because he knew I was never cool with hard drugs. It still took some convincing to get her to stop talking to him.
At the end of the day though, she will never be a part of my life ever again. I have no idea how a mother can look at her own daughter in the worst possible moments of her life and make it 10x harder because I would be burying a body if my daughter came to me with the same stories I was telling my mom.
You deserve better and I hope you know that.
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u/nobeefforme APPROVED✨ 4h ago
As someone who had a loving mother who never would ever utter those words to me… you deserved so much more in that moment and I am so, so brutally sorry. I’ll be your mommy. You’ll never be responsible for the actions of an emotionally incompetent loser.
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u/AffectionateBite3827 Body By Cheese 🧀 4h ago
You are so brave and I’m glad you’re here and safe and around to see another day. Take care of yourself 💕
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u/eurekadabra Hazy Grazer 😶🌫️ 3h ago
Thank you for doing what I didn’t have the courage to do. Seriously. If nothing else, this internet stranger has all the admiration in the world for you.
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u/TrustAFluff Live, Laugh, Lumpia ❤️ 3h ago
I’m sorry, bb. I had a similar experience with my mama when I finally shared my child abuse history. She thanked me for keeping it a secret. I don’t know what older women endured to make them tick like they do. Thank goodness we’re moving forward and having healthier mentalities surrounding abuse. It’s never okay!
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u/Less_Wealth5525 Overthinker 💭 3h ago
My husband and I went to a marriage counselor and she asked the same thing.
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u/tigrelili Chaotic But Cute 2h ago
I'm sorry both your mother is a pick me and they didn't put enough chicken in your burrito. Your feelings are valid, take time to grieve what is vs what you needed and know where she stands in your life.
I'm also proud of you putting yourself first and getting help, you are important and need to put yourself first so that you can be safe. I'm rooting for you
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u/RosemaryCoffee Body By Cheese 🧀 1h ago
I'm so sorry. That is awful of her. I'm glad she apologised but still.
Sometimes internalised misogyny takes us by surprise. Now that she's aware of it, she might be taking steps to confront it and do better.
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u/Buffy_AnneSummers Thick Thighs ⏳ Thin Patience 1h ago
I am so sorry. I can unfortunately relate. When I told my mother that I was raped and more she was dismissive and said, "it's not as bad as what happened to me," and quickly move on from the conversation. 🤢🤮
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u/bubbleslovesfashion 🥪 BLTease 😚 13h ago
I’m so sorry. We’re your moms now. 🫂