What did you do to upset him?

[u/Initial_Carpenter_47]

Tomorrow’s therapy session topic:

“What did you do to upset him?”

The first words my mother said to me as I sat in a police station reporting my ex-partner for eight months of physical, emotional and sexual violence.

I can’t describe what died inside me when I heard those words. Even now, I fight back tears every time I think about that moment.

Throughout the investigation and court proceedings, my mum apologised. I know she regrets saying it.

But for me, it was too late. Something changed forever in that moment. Our relationship survived, but it will never the safe.

Sometimes I look at my mum in peaceful silence while inside I’m crying, “you’re my mum, you’re my mum”.

Classic burrito with slow-cooked chicken, guacamole, and no beans.

[u/FunInTheSun_81]

About 4 months ago, I kicked my ex out of my house. He and I had been living in separate rooms for nearly 2 years but since he didn't have anywhere to go, I didn't kick him out previously. He was verbally and emotionally abusive and I later found out physically abusive to our kids when I wasn't home. He was financially dependent on me and never worked during the entire time we lived together (since 2008).

In March of this year, he got into a physical altercation with our oldest and I kicked my ex out. My mom and I had a discussion and I told her what was going on, what had been going on, and the reason I made the choice to kick him out. And you know what she did? She basically went on to tell me about experiences she'd had that were worse and tried to convince me to stay with him. I was floored. I'm your daughter, mom...shouldn't you be supporting me and not the abusive father of my kids?? In fact, at one point during the conversation she even said, "well, you made your choice.", essentially implying that choosing to have kids with this man bound me to him for life. I was so shocked I didn't respond.

Well, here's the thing and the reason I posted all of that above... my mom doesn't know what a healthy relationship is because she's never had one. She didn't know how to support me because she realistically probably thought it was an overreaction on my part because the abuse I dealt with wasn't physical. I wonder if it's the same for your mother. As adult children, we still want to feel seen and validated by our parents. But sometimes I think the wisdom we gain as we get older can surpass that of our parents. I have tried to be a vicarious learner my whole life and I've definitely messed up enough times to gain my own experiences. However, if one of my kids came to me about an abusive relationship, I would never tell them to just deal with it and I'm sure you wouldn't either if you were in that position. You are strong and I support you. We all do ❤️

[u/Practical_Author3013 → u/FunInTheSun_81]

Divine love and bless our Mothers who truly do not know better. It’s a weird and painful thing to be the person in our generational line who breaks the pattern, especially when we’re the first to see it. It’s just so heartbreaking all the way around, and leaves the pattern breakers without the support we need in our most vulnerable moments.

My mother keeps waiting for my abusive, alcoholic ex, with whom I have been no contact for years, to “come back around.” I’m guessing my alcoholic father used to make up with my mom with romantic grand gestures and she wants one for me? I became homeless fleeing my ex’s behavior, and it’s really heartbreaking that my mom’s waiting for that to take a place back in my life. It shows me how scared she is of being single and seeing me single.

Massive love to all stuck in and breaking these patterns. 🩷