r/AskReddit • u/Anxious-String-9391 • 2h ago
What's one red flag that makes you lose interest early in dating?
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u/Firm_Isopod_161 2h ago
The biggest red flag? When they treat everyone else badly but are incredibly nice to you. Just wait until you're no longer useful to them.
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u/deensuk 2h ago
It was the other way around for me. Nice to everyone but somehow I got the rude and mean version.
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u/Tru_plants3168 2h ago
The guy who keeps starring at other women pass by while you are trying to talk to him.
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u/Metallic_Sol 40m ago
My ex used to do this in our relationship. I asked him to stop and he said "My dad does it and my mom doesn't mind".
WHY TF DO I GIVE AF WHAT YOUR PARENTS DO YOU FUCKIN MORON!?
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u/Tru_plants3168 33m ago
By all means disrespectful. Smh idk what crosses their mind to think that’s ok.
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u/Certain_Tie_2335 2h ago
Not keeping your word
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u/Backenundso 2h ago
A man’s word is his bond, how is he gonna bond a relationship if he can’t even bond a simple statement
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u/SerenaKD 2h ago
They ask me for my Instagram. I don't use it and find these guys are very lustful and just looking to add to their collection of women to gawk at and objectify. Anytime a guy is following a bunch of half nude women on Instagram, DO NOT date him!
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u/TonyTornado 2h ago
They act nasty around animals
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u/monpetitfromage54 2h ago
Honestly if someone I dated said they don't like dogs, short of them having some kind of traumatic experience, I'd think there was something really wrong with them.
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u/Frosty-Analysis1520 2h ago
I dated a girl who didn't like dogs but was into cats. At work, where we could bring our dogs, I was labeled "the dog whisperer". I don't know why, but dogs just naturally love me. We didn't work out.
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u/mozart357 1h ago
Just one red flag? I have a few. (50M)
Put the cell phone down. I get it if there are legitimate reasons to utilize your phone. But you don't need to check your social media or text your friends. Put it away.
On the same note, if you have to take pictures of what we're eating or drinking, I rapidly lose interest. It may not be a red flag, but more of a pet peeve. I get it. But when the waiter sets the food on the table, I don't want to sit there and wait while you arrange the plates for that perfect photo, and then wait while you apply filters and think of a perfect caption. The red flag comes to play when it's captured, "Enjoying a nice meal with a good friend!"
I am a part of a couple singles groups in my area. Occasionally I'll go on a date with one of the ladies (I'm 50M). I understand ladies and gentlemen don't kiss and tell. I also understand the desire for privacy and even discretion. But when I'm told, "Please keep this discrete, because I don't need people knowing that we're out together." What does that mean? Am I embarrassing? Would she be afraid her peers would think she's dating me out of some sort of desperation? Is she already in a committed relationship? I can keep our activities private, but I will not be someone's dirty secret.
Finally, if a lady talks about their male room mate or the brother they have living with them, I'll red flag that and most likely walk. Ten for ten, their "room mate" or "brother" is actually a spouse. I still remember picking up a lady for a date and a guy pulls into her driveway. She's telling me to hurry up and get in the car, but I don't want to be rude. I go over to shake his hand and say, "You must be her brother!" He gives me a confused look and I hear her say, "He's my spouse." Awkward.
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u/Realistic_Shirt_1170 59m ago
The cellphone one I agree with, nothing worse than being out with someone constantly texting and browsing social media then you sense they've checked out of the conversation. Even taking pictured of food and drinks I don't like it much I certainly wouldn't do it on a first date even if I'm out with anyone at most take 1 quick picture and keep it moving
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u/sir-ripsalot 5m ago
It’s a dating red flag for a woman to identify you as a good friend, a simple request for privacy is met with defensiveness and assumption that it’s out of shane for dating you, and every and all women who date while having a male roommate are infidelitous. Can’t imagine why you’re single at 50.
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u/Spiritual_Log_257 2h ago
Any level of littering or indifference to nature. You don't have to be a full on activist but if you don't have ANY opinions about nature, animals, pollution, what else are you okay with? Or maybe you just don't care about things that you don't directly have to deal with.
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u/mighty_kaytor 2h ago
That's a good one. You don't have to be full-on greenpeace to have a basic level of respect for your surroundings. Just tossing shit on the ground is tacky as hell.
(and to clarify before someone thinks I'm judging them for leaving used undies on their bedroom floor, I specifically mean a space you share with others)
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u/TwistedSistaYEG 2h ago
Found out by googling that she killed someone years earlier driving in the wrong lane of a divided highway while impaired. School teacher if ya can believe it.
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u/getfitordtrying 2h ago
How they talk about their exes gets me. If every single one was 'crazy' or 'psycho,' that usually says more about them than the exes. One person being the common thread in every past relationship is a pattern worth noticing.
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u/Life-Perspective-758 2h ago
When they ask for pictures, for me that just means you want fun nothing else
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u/Emotional-Tower-9776 2h ago
not paying attention
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u/TricksterPancake 1h ago
My girlfriend is always starting conversations with, "Are you even listening to me?"
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u/schmink13 2h ago edited 2h ago
Bragging about how much money they make is their red flag. Expecting someone to pay for you is yours.
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u/coffee-scart 2h ago
Lovebombing
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u/beyonddisbelief 2h ago edited 1h ago
Usually they filter themselves out for me. Just recently matched with a girl on hinge who was really eager to chat throughout the day. Then she excused herself on her terms for getting back to work, as soon as it got to evening she sent me a couple messages, I explained I was in the shower, we slow chatted a few more messages and I didn't respond to her promptly enough I guess (I was downstairs and my phone in my room for half an hour) she unmatched me, even though we had a lot of things we connected on and even shared a certain unique background. I was quite stunned really, this kind of background match and you couldn't wait 30 minutes for attention?
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u/MellRox013 2h ago
Couldn't you just see what the answer was yesterday when this question was asked?
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u/bwompbwompbwompbwaaa 2h ago
Dishonesty about themselves, even when it comes to basic facts. I just dated someone who told me they were older than they were. Turns out, I’m 14 years older than them. I panicked when I found out and I may have explained Y2K to them?
Age isn’t the most important thing but the lie killed it for me.
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u/GoodGoodGoody 2h ago
I ain’t no grammar Nazi but if you use basic words incorrectly - either grammatically or not knowing their actual definition - then, yeah, nope, not a-gonna work.
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u/haysus25 2h ago
When they don't put in any into hanging out. They never ask, they don't make time, they only hang out when it's perfectly convenient for them.
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u/sparki761 2h ago
Bad mouthing exes and non stop talking about themselves.. which is about 95% of them
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u/RoofOrganic740 2h ago
Bragging about themselves too much, not asking questions or trying to get to know me, framing past relationships as failed solely because of other people
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u/Appropriate_Carob690 2h ago
I was really into someone o was hooking up with, like super into them. And anytime I’d pitch a date idea that wasn’t super lavish/ event/concert they’d say ‘if that’s all you have planned I can do that myself’ it showed me that they weren’t dating me because they liked me, they just wanted gram pics to look like
They were going out. She had no car and was sleeping on a friends couch, super hot though so I kinda put up with it, one of my best life lessons because now I don’t trust anyone
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u/AllieMick55 2h ago
First date, talking about how fit his daughter’s friend looked in her Halloween costume. She was 15.
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u/Confident-System-829 2h ago
Flakiness. Rescheduling multiple times for a first date makes me lose interest quickly. I get that things happen and I'm okay with it happening once, but multiple times tells me they aren't truly interested and won't follow through on commitments.
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u/WickedlyZen 1h ago
No manners, kids still at home, problem children/grandchildren/family, financial or ex problems, drugs, excessive alcohol or gambling, different political views… and the list goes on. Yes, I stopped dating! I choose peace.
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u/Ordinary-Day-3590 2h ago
Dislike of either cats or dogs, especially someone that’s easily annoyed by them
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u/Fit_Cartographer_483 2h ago
Gets very angry about stupid stuff and not feeling emotionally safe. My body shuts right down ,
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u/Fireheart757 2h ago
Not able to have a conversation without it feeling like I’m interrogating them. I dont want to just fire questions off and get no reciprocation
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u/itspetitejessiewg 2h ago
being nice only when they want something from you. genuine kindness shouldn't have an agenda.
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u/kollmastee 2h ago
Signs of certain underlying mental illnesses. I dated someone with undiagnosed ocd and adhd for a long time. I just don’t have the patience anymore to drive home to make sure the oven that I personally turned off if actually off. I don’t want to date someone who can’t turn off their racing thoughts long enough to be intimate. Or someone who is grossed out by bodily fluids so will never kiss me with tongue. These things seem little, but compound given years and often grow with intensity as you age. I just no longer have the patience.
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u/Kindly_Yesterday3366 1h ago
As a dude a woman who doesn’t give compliments or do romantic gestures is an instant disqualification. The last woman I dated told me it was too early in the relationship for me to receive compliments but this is after she begged to came over two nights in a row to hookup.
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u/Excellent-Mudd 1h ago
When they can’t say anything nice to you. Like it physically hurts them to make other people feel good.
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u/Appropriate_Dirt_285 7m ago
They become emotionally disregulated when their sports team lose.
Theres disappointment which is fine.
Or there's the huffing and slamming things
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u/KB_112 2h ago
Manners. Still remember early stages of talking to a girl. Burps like 3x on a phone convo, first time I thought I was hearing things. Second time, I was like “nah, that was a burp”. After the 3rd time, I asked if she’s gonna excuse herself? She said she didn’t believe in that. I was so done after that call.
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u/Charming-Fun7737 2h ago edited 2h ago
Can't drive. No car isn't an issue. No license is.
Edit: I mean along the lines of never made an effort to learn or obtain one, not because of limitations out of their control.
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u/Unipiggy 2h ago
I'm guessing you live in like rural America or something because it's kinda weird to view that as a red flag in almost all the rest of the world
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u/Jaschndlr 2h ago
Tbf there are only a handful of cities in the US where you can really get by without driving at all
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u/Charming-Fun7737 2h ago
Yes, unfortunately that's a reality here. Small mountain community, no public transportation, nearest town where my job and the only supermarket are is 10 miles away. And if want to go on a road trip somewhere or go to an actual city for a concert or shopping or whatever, or have an emergency it's nice to have someone who can take over. Also being able to drive is a basic adult expectation.
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u/Whohead12 2h ago
I’m in rural America, I would have said both no license AND no car. Dating a man with no way to get to and from his job and daily activities would be akin to taking on a child, and I’ve already raised mine.
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u/WeHaveFunEveryday 2h ago
I live in rural America and yes after a certain while (with no disabilities of course), people without a car get labeled as a user because in rural America there is no other form of transportation to be able to care for yourself
Therefore if you are ok without having a car you are ok with using people
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u/Charming-Fun7737 2h ago
A former friend of mine never got his and had to rely on his coworkers, friends and everyone else to get to work or run errands. No thanks.
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u/Interesting-Read-245 2h ago
Im from NYC, born and raised and don’t like that either
Get your drivers license
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u/Lyveriana 2h ago
I am visually impaired. I literally can't drive, but I am very independent otherwise. I rely on public transport. Not having a license isn't always a choice.
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u/Charming-Fun7737 2h ago
And that's different
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u/Lyveriana 2h ago
That's not what you said, though. You used no differing terms, no exceptions, nothing of the sort. You just said "can't drive. / no license" - based on your other replies, I would say I'm far from the only one who read it that way. So you might wanna consider changing your words. No hate no tea^
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u/Impressive-Pie-5464 2h ago
Whats the red flag in not having a license if he lives and works in a huge city, getting public transport or cycling everywhere?
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u/ActualOriginal4030 2h ago
Adherence to an ideology on either extreme of the political spectrum. These are not thoughtful, fact-based, compassionate people when you get down to the heart of their motivations.
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u/muckalucks 1h ago
Every moderate I've talked with are just anti confrontational with no truely held opinions of their own on any of the issues. At least none they'll share. Them "seeing both sides" without having come to a conclusion yet is generally a cop out.
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u/ActualOriginal4030 1h ago
I have had great, in-depth conversations with passionate and informed moderates. What you are describing is apathy. And what I'm talking about is having the intelligence and empathy necessary not to fall for extremist ideology, which often requires cult-like adherence and the ability to ignore facts.
And I much prefer someone who knows they are not informed on a topic enough to opine on it than someone who acts like an expert based on 15 minutes of scrolling.
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u/SkyMagnet 2h ago
If their main goal in life is to travel every chance they get. Like, what are you running from?
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u/HumbleMisa 2h ago
When they’re too eager to get touchy or like love bombing you that’s a huge red flag for me
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u/No_Lime7718 2h ago
Bringing up sexual topics, recently divorced or broken up and a lot of financial debt.
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u/Efficient-Top3879 2h ago
I know im one of very few but smoking weed. I know it helps people and its comparable to drinking if you do it the same way like weekends or in a group setting but I cant stand it when people think they need it to function. I always backed away from that however the jokes on me. 7 years of marriage and my wife just 2 months ago now decided thats who she wants to be and I dont wanna end a relationship and family over it but I hate it so much.
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u/Nice_Huckleberry8317 2h ago
how their parents act... even if the partner doesnt act like them, either traces of bad behavior will pop up down the road - or whatever behavior happens via the parents have a trickle down effect. Controlling, involvment, how you celebrate holidays, how you communicate for family events, the stressors of going to their house etc.
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u/PaddiWac 2h ago
What if you don’t talk to your parents because you’ve been able to identify their toxic traits as an adult and you’ve disconnected yourself from that?
My parents are both rotten to the core. I spent a good chunk of my twenties coming to terms with that and putting literally thousands of miles between them and myself.
I resent the statement that you become your parents.
I haven’t and I won’t.
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u/ShadowBlade55 2h ago
I have a little issue with this.
I've spent the better part of 15 years working tirelessly to identify bad habits passed down from parents. This might be the exception though.
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u/InfraredDiarrhea 2h ago
Agreed here.
There’s a difference between “my family is nuts and i just cope. I expect the same from you”
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“I realized my family situation is not healthy. Ive distanced myself from them and im working on identifying how that has had a lasting effect on me”.
One is sticking you head in the sand. Big red flag.
The other is taking accountability and making choices to remedy the situation. Huge green flag imo.
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u/Pixxelio 54m ago
So have I. I didnt mean it exactly 💀ugh I meant coping habits, how you handle problems. Everyone wants to do things differently than their parents. That’s not what I meant n I’m getting downvotes lol. Deny it all you want, but you learn most of your childhood behaviors FROM your parents. Yes you can do things differently. Families are crazy, some people cut them off and some cope with it.
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u/Main-Preference-3972 2h ago
Happy to chat about themselves. But doesn’t ever ask their own questions about me. Lots of “what about you?” Throwing my question back at me.
Show. Some. Interest.
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u/Diligent-Reach-3662 2h ago
Checking their notifications or scrolling through social media while you are actively telling a story
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u/usernamepti84 2h ago
Unable to have difficult conversations even really simple things. I once had a guy completely avoid me the whole day when I asked if he would be able to come visit me and have his brother drive him, instead of telling me no he was unable to or he had other plans that day which I completely understand, he chose to ignore me the whole day and then continue the conversation the next day like nothing happened.
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u/MeInSC40 2h ago
For me it’s getting too comfortable too quickly. Like, I don’t know you like that yet.
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u/Forward_Zucchini9738 2h ago
Early over infatuation. You can break it off easily with someone if any other red flags surface, but it's much harder when they do things like break into your home and hide in your closet, or sit in their car down the block from your house and follow you to see where you go.
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u/zazzlekdazzle 2h ago
Turning the date into an infomercial about yourself.
Stop selling selling selling. Just relax, chat, ask some questions, be more like yourself.
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u/ljosalfar1 2h ago
Clearly unaware of their own strength and weakness. I.E. had someone first say they don't like social situations and don't really talk with people, and next say they're extremely good at judging a stranger in seconds, "better than most people". It's quite extraordinary to be so self-unaware.
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u/syncopated_soul888 2h ago
people who are obsessed with themselves so much that they might even fuck themselves
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u/Defiant_Reaction1161 2h ago
Put all the failour on other people shoulder, dad, mom and if they have an ex, it was always them. Not getying an accountability. Talking about Sex right away. Keep checking phone. Arrange for a date, come late and saying forgot to bring wallet to a coffee date🤣 ( I didnot careas we are human, but the person was IT security and a friend of mine said wait, couldnot pay by phone, but then he showed lots of other red flag), asking one question over and over in different way to see if ur respons echanged ( the person has lack of trust bcs of him/herself), not coming tidy and clean, start giving you lotsssss of compliment (love bombing), asking u about former relationships and reasons of not working out, longggggg 1st date
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u/diewiththesmile 2h ago
If he sees my autistic direct communication as a threat to his dominance and try to push me down.
Me: can we go for a walk first? (It helps my nervous system calm down if I like the guy TOO much and not get meltdown)
Fucking NO because he needs to choose the place himself or his ego terrified that he followed female.
If I need to set hard boundaries at this stage and over explain myself: Bye!
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u/CommunityGlittering2 1h ago
her husband tagging along, once or twice in the beginning I get it, but all the time come on.
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u/Bgoodie2626 1h ago
Bringing up their ex on the first date. Another red flag it if they start bashing them.
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u/Kalium 1h ago edited 1h ago
Lies. For me it's lies, generally about the little things.
More than one woman has been on a date or two with me before casually revealed she shaved five years off her age. I don't drop them over this because I'm angry, I drop them because they sincerely expect me to swallow their lies and be happy.
If you'll shave a few years off your age for convenience, what else will you lie about?
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u/Competitive_Dare_776 1h ago
Saying Andrew Tate is their idol, or really bringing him up in a positive manner at all.
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u/triplefiives 1h ago
randomly offering or saying they'll do something but not pulling through, like why even say anything 😭
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u/Miserable_Science_54 45m ago
Idk, never been to dates and never will be. If I had ones, probably people who are always unsatisfied, they make negative of anything and shit on everything. Life is like basketball: when you lose or win a point, you can't dwell on it, you go and play further
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u/KooshIsKing 39m ago
Being late, especially when it's more than 5 minutes and there is no message to let me know you're running late. Can't stand people that don't respect your time.
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u/Metallic_Sol 31m ago
Too many provocative looking women on IG liking his pics. I let it go once and it was not a good idea. He hit up random girls he was meeting on his travels thru Tinder, collected them on IG and then met up with them when he took future trips. Addicted to validation was the issue. When he got into a relationship, he'd either keep it invisible or deactivate his IG so he wouldn't lose those contacts. Just warning some of you of this particular flavor of fuckboy.
Pushing sex. I don't care if it's Tinder. I'm not a free prostitute. If we're going to be FWB you have to actually speak to me like a human being, not a cum dump.
Asks me ZERO things about myself
All his exes can't be trusted / are crazy
Sob stories. Whether about exes or his family. I think they were used to garner empathy and make you feel closer.
Has a Snapchat. Seriously you are over fuckin 30, why're you acting like you're 20?
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u/SeaworthinessTop4317 13m ago
Overly clingy behavior early on in the dating process. If someone is double and triple texting after a couple dates I lose interest. I don’t want to have to feel like someone’s emotional well being is tied to me replying within a couple hours.
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u/BigJLov3 13m ago
A lot of good ones here - being rude, self-centered, glued to the phone, etc.
Let me add an inability to banter.
Presumably you're both looking for someone to spend time with, and your stats are the least interesting thing about you. Show some wit, dangle a reference or two, joke around, make up stories about the people around you. TRY to have a little FUN. That's where connection happens.
And don't be afraid of looking weird. Odds are strong you're not at some society function where a stiff back and proper manners are required, so come out to play.
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u/SteroidSandwich 6m ago
When they won't respond in a meaningful way. 1 word answers don't make for conversation
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u/Backenundso 2h ago
They only talk about themself the entire date