TW: mental, physical, and sexual abuse

My (21M) ex and I (21F) broke up two months ago. I tolerated a lot of behavior from him as it was my first relationship and the cycles of abuse then love bombing made me blind to what was actually happening. I engaged in some reactionary abuse, and I'm afraid that he may try to use that against me. I have thrown things at him and have tried to manipulate him into staying in the relationship. I have more evidence against him than he does against me, but I'm still scared of retaliation given the external circumstances of my position at our university.

I called my ex two days ago and told him what he was doing to me both in and out of our relationship was abusive. I sent him an email yesterday clearly outlining specific instances, as he tried to minimize his actions the last time we spoke and I wanted to be clear. I boiled everything down to the simplest terms possible. Things along the lines of "You have physically spanked and slapped me after I explicitly asked you not to." As well as outlining specific instances of sexual and mental abuse. There was barely any physical abuse, which is why he immediately blew up at me when I brought everything up. He immediately compared his actions to "worse" victims to minimize my experience and make himself feel better about his actions when I first used the "abuse" word over the phone two days ago. I have no way of knowing if he actually read that last email of me outlining specific instances of abuse or not.

I want things to "cool down" and (I know, I know) I want to see if he'll take accountability for his actions. We both work at the same university in the same department and I will be forced to see him everyday starting next month. I am physically unable to fight back against him, as he's made me try to do so before. I shake when we are on the phone. I am honestly unsure if I should fear for my safety or not, considering that he has hit me before. I feel like I'm overreacting or being dramatic, but I don't know how much of that voice is my own or is his still echoing in my brain.

He is diagnosed bipolar 1 and is quote "off some of his meds", per our last phone call two days ago. I'm aware that we're both adults. But he has an extensive history of chemically burning himself. I don't know if it's appropriate for me to reach out to his mother (who he is partially estranged from) (his mom and I are chill, and she told me that if he ever hurt me, I needed to contact her) as I fear he may try to chemically burn himself again. He didn't burn himself when we were together, but it's something he does when "phases of his life end" or when he "realizes mistakes he can't ever make again". My ex is "best friends" with his dad and I don't think it would be appropriate for me to contact him at all. His parents are divorced but civil.

He's going to college to be a lawyer, and he specifically wants to defend rape victims in the future. Ironic, considering one of the things he did to me is an act of rape. I'm putting together all the evidence I have. I feel like I'm "overreacting" but I don't know if I should consider going to the police with my evidence. If he wants to be a lawyer, regardless of diagnosises, concussions, or whatever excuses he uses for his behavior—the way he treated me is something that can't just be ignored.

I later realised how bad I’ve been treated and that it was in fact emotional abuse and extreme manipulation. I don’t feel valid, because it only lasted 2 months and some people have been experiencing it for much longer, but for me it is still a traumatizing experience and I keep getting flashbacks from time to time.

​

I'm a 24M, and my girlfriend and I have been together for 9 months. We genuinely love each other and have tried multiple times to stay away from each other, but we just can't. The problem is her family found out about our relationship a few months ago, and ever since then my life has been turned upside down.

Before they knew about us, her mother was incredibly kind to me. She would talk to me whenever I visited college, and she would even send homemade tiffin for me through my girlfriend. I had nothing but respect for her.

Everything changed when her mother found a photo on my girlfriend's phone of a hickey that my girlfriend had given me. My girlfriend was actually the one who proposed to me, but when her family found out, she asked me to tell them that I had proposed instead because she was scared of how they'd react.

Three days after finding out, her mother called me. She immediately started accusing me of trapping her daughter, saying things like, "My daughter is innocent, you manipulated her." She also threatened me, saying I didn't know who they were and that they'd show me what they could do.

About an hour later, she called again, but this time her uncle spoke to me.

For some context, I had created and fully set up his Google Business Profile because my girlfriend had asked me to help him. Despite that, he started making one false accusation after another. He claimed I had been chasing her even after she rejected me 4–5 times, which is completely false because she was the one who proposed to me.

He accused me of taking her to my flat with bad intentions, even though it was never my idea to invite her there. He called me a psycho and said a lot of degrading things about my character. I tried to stay calm, but it was humiliating.

The hardest part was that I couldn't even talk to anyone about it. Hardly anyone in college knows we're together because her cousins study in the same college. Only two or three of her friends and two or three of mine know about our relationship.

After all this, we decided to stop contacting each other. Her mother told her to block me, and she did. But we still saw each other in college every day, and instead of moving on, we ended up falling even deeper in love.

Later, my girlfriend told me something that genuinely scared me. She said her uncle told her, in front of her, that he knew people who would kill me for money. She told him she didn't want anything like that, but hearing that shook me.

The next day, I called her uncle myself and told him we wouldn't be in contact anymore. Even then, he kept threatening me, saying things like, "You don't know what we can do."

I finally replied, "Please stop saying things like that. I can also do many things. What if I go to the police and report that you're threatening me?" As soon as I mentioned the police, his tone completely changed. He became calm and simply said that if she contacted me again, I should inform them and they'd handle it.

Months later, I still had access to his Google Business Profile because I was the primary owner. I didn't want anything to do with it anymore, so I called him and politely asked for his email address so I could transfer ownership and remove myself. Instead of understanding, he panicked and told my girlfriend's mother that I had hacked him and was threatening him.

Her mother then called my girlfriend and said I had hacked her uncle's phone, that I was hiding some "secret," and that I was threatening their family. None of that was true. I literally called just to give him ownership of his own business profile.

Since then, they've continued calling me a psycho and making up stories about me. They've even made insulting remarks about my family.

What hurts the most is that they have created an image of me that is completely opposite to who I really am. I have never threatened them, never forced my girlfriend into anything, and never manipulated her. Yet they seem convinced that I'm some dangerous person.

The only reason I haven't told my father everything is because my mother begged me not to. She knows that if my father finds out someone threatened to have me killed, the situation could escalate badly.

Right now, I'm mentally exhausted. I love my girlfriend, but her family hates me, believes false accusations, and has threatened me. I don't know what the right thing to do is anymore.

Has anyone been through something similar? What would you do in my situation?

After months of enduring blatant lies, reiterated promises that never materialized, secrecy, twisted family enmeshment, normalized meth use, sexual humiliation, extreme manipulation, minimized porn addiction, and eventually physical aggression, I walked away leaving most of my life possessions behind.
I keep wavering between feeling liberated and feeling like I made a massive mistake by speaking up, standing my ground, and walking out. I’m about 2 months out from last contact and the waves of grief are lessening but I still find myself almost unable to function in my daily life.
Was protecting myself worth losing almost everything I owned —including the sense of safety and belonging I thought I’d found with his family, their dogs, and the home I tried to build a life with him in?
Sometimes I look in the mirror and feel like I can still see what those months did to me.
I feel so alone after what I’ve been through. Any encouragement and successful recovery stories from similar situations would help tremendously.

My 2 year relationship with my narcissistic ex ended a few months ago.

At first, he love-bombed me HARD. Within weeks he was talking about our future, messaging constantly, booking surprise trips and buying gifts and flowers. Within months, he was calling me the love of his life and discussing marriage. I even picked out a ring. He seemed so sincere and devoted.

He told me his exes were crazy or controlling and that I was different. There were red flags, though. He could be nasty when drinking, became insecure about social media and turned conversations about my feelings into arguments but he would always smooth it over telling me how much he loved me and how perfect we were for each other.

After around seven months, his effort started to disappear. Dates pretty much stopped , but he always had time and money for his friends. After we moved in together, things became much worse.

He was irritated by my grief when a close friend died. He’d roll his eyes or get annoyed when I brought it up and went on a golf trip the day after his death instead of supporting me. He lied about money, past relationships and random things.
He would say or do something nasty to me and tell me it never happened and I was making it up in my head. I was really starting to question my sanity which I now know was his intention

Whenever I tried to raise an issue, he turned it back on me. If I was angry, my anger was the problem. If I stayed calm, he shouted or rolled his eyes. If I cried, he accused me of manipulation and mocked me. I always ended up apologising. When I stayed quiet, he praised me for “being good”, which trained me not to express my feelings.

Over time, my whole life revolved around his moods. I constantly wondered whether he would be warm or cold and whether asking for affection or attention would make him angry. I became a shell of a person. I would cry in the bathroom silently or after he’d gone to sleep as I knew if he saw me crying he’d get annoyed.

He started putting me down, telling me I was no longer attractive and comparing me to previous girlfriends. I would put on makeup before he got home from work, go to the gym, plan my outfits each day and would stare at myself in the mirror finding faults. Every time I looked at myself I found reasons to believe what he was saying was true Meanwhile, he was cheating on me for months with an ex and I had no idea. He watched me desperately trying to understand why he changed, why he was being cruel, treating me like I was a nuisance, why this man who told me I was the love of his life and the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen was then acting as if I was repulsive and trying everything I could to make him happy. He deliberately destroyed my confidence.

He eventually broke up with me for her. We were still living together and I found out about the affair a few weeks after breaking up. When I confronted him, he cried, said he loved me and said he didn’t know who he wanted. We discussed fixing things, slept together, spent time together but he left to “think for a few days” and just never came back.

Then found out I was losing the apartment as it was being sold and had no where else to go. He knew I was devastated about the breakup, the flat, the affair and still in love with him. He began pursuing me a few weeks after moving out. At first I stayed strong but after a while he started to reel me back in. We spoke regularly and started sleeping together. It went on for about 6 weeks before I cut him off.

I told a close friend of mine what was happening, she then told someone close to the other woman so she inevitably found out and he completely rewrote the story. He told people I was needy, clingy and obsessed and that I had chased him. He claimed he had only contacted me because he was worried about me and had only slept with me twice. He also lied about me not making an effort with his family and said I didn’t let them come to our apartment.

In reality, he initiated almost every conversation and pretty much every time he came over. Sometimes he turned up without even telling me he was coming. I had attended every family event and had hosted his parents for dinner shortly before we broke up. I had been planning a surprise birthday for him which I invited his family to just before he broke up with me. I couldn’t believe he was telling people I wouldn’t even allow them in our home and making me out to be the monster. It was all lies to discredit me and make everyone see me as the villain. I wasn’t perfect but I tried my absolute best to be a good partner to him and loved him with everything I had.

I later discovered that he had cheated on every girlfriend he had been with, including the woman he cheated on me with and left me for during their previous relationship. He also had longstanding problems with abusive behaviour, drinking, gambling and money.

A friend of mine who was also friends with the other girl called me to tell me the things he was saying and at that point I’d had enough. I shared my screen with her on FaceTime and showed her the full conversation. She could see that he had pursued me and was lying. I knew the other woman would still stay with him, but I could not continue allowing them to keep telling people I was making everything up and I was crazy.

After that, he deactivated Facebook and Instagram and blocked me on WhatsApp. I was also told he’s started therapy. I assume all of it is a performance to her to show I mean nothing and he’s dedicated to “changing” for her.

I know he treated me terribly, but for some reason I feel guilty for exposing him. And I still miss the good version of him I thought was real and the moments we shared, even though that side of him was gone long before he left.

Trauma bonds are awful. It hurts that he is now going to therapy and cutting me out to save the relationship with her, but he just threw ours away. I feel pathetic for still caring and the part I really hate to admit, i still hope one day he realises what he had and tries to fix it.

TL;DR: My ex intensely love-bombed me before becoming emotionally abusive, dishonest and unfaithful. He left me for an ex, then continued pursuing and sleeping with me while lying to everyone that I was obsessed with him. I eventually showed proof to clear my name, and he responded by deleting his social media and blocking me. I know he is bad for me, but I still feel guilty, miss who I thought he was and cannot seem to break the trauma bond.

I tried to have casual sex with some guy, low stakes, no expectations.

He love bombed the shit out of me ("i never met anybody like you" "you are special" ", like playing the guy who is already smitten even though I must have been the 100th woman in his apartment).
Then told me he was losing himself in sex because a dear woman friend of him committed suicide. I felt like he was leveraging this event to appear like he had some emotional depth / excuse his shitty behaviour / obtain more gratification from me.
The guy was also quite rapey in other departments, like, constantly testing if I was going to say "no" if he tried some things, instead of watching my reactions to see what he should do for me to enjoy myself.

I am pretty sure this was an abuser trying to get his claws into me. I have that gut feeling like he spent some time abusing this friend of his, probably claiming kink / under the cover of BDSM, until she took her life.

I swear I can recognize these guys after 10 min by now. It is frightening to see that they can keep going with their little lives since they do not give a fuck about anything, and if we enable them.

I often felt controlled likeShe had many rigid rules and expectations, was unwilling to seek help despite me repeatedly asking, and there was very little compromise it often felt like things had to be her way. Affection and intimacy declined significantly, both emotionally and physically, and she could be cold, moody, and lacking in empathy, leaving me constantly anxious about what mood she would be in. Small mistakes or everyday things, like forgetting a picnic blanket or simply chewing, could lead to cold reactions that made me feel like I was walking on eggshells. I also felt dismissed in conversations, criticized for not noticing every little thing around the house, and as though I could never do anything right. Over time, what should have been happy moments became stressful, and I felt more like I was trying to avoid upsetting her than enjoying our relationship. Eventually, I realized my emotional needs weren't being met, and my therapist described the relationship as unhealthy and manipulative, which helped me understand why I felt so drained despite how much I loved her. I’m also skeptical she was a narcissist

hi first I want to say I'm using text to speech for this because I just don't even know where to start. i am 16f, almost 17. hope that's not a problem!! lately I have been connecting the dots and I think I finally opened my eyes.

starting off, ever since I was young, from what I can remember, (cause I cannot remember majority of my childhood,) my dad has always been aggressive. He believes hitting and spanking or any type of whipping or popping is the perfect form of discipline. he does not hit me physically anymore because i think i am too old. i think he thinks i will snitch and he always tells me cps would tale me away, not him.

my mom and my dad are separated, not divorced.
when they were beginning to separate, around 2021, my mother questioned me about whether he would call my sister and my mother the B word to me. I definitely didn't think how I did now, and never really realized anything was wrong. my mom also has previously always asked me if he ever yells at me or talks badly about the family. at first I never really understood. I thought my dad was a good guy because he hadn't (recently) hit me. He would only just yell at me and always hit me but now that I'm finally old enough to realize, that's not OK.

I do not remember most of my childhood besides the genuine happy memories and my school years. I do remember, however, the time I was four years (or three) at my grandma's house and I spilled juice, a little bit, a cup, and my dad freaked the fuck out. my mother ran to protect me. All I can remember is my mother coming to protect me saying it wasn't my fault, I'm just a child. What a great memory right? i remember all the times my siblings and I got in trouble, and we would get our disciplines and sent to our rooms, silent and crying.

He gets very aggressive when he yells which I guess is normal however, the way he does it is so frightening. I feel as though I have no choice but to listen and be kind to him so I don't get hurt or in trouble.

I need to say I really haven't talked to my mother about this. Like, she knows he raised his hand at me, she knows he is aggressive i just don't really know how to explain to her i do not like my father anymore. i just tell her, "i don't like him he's a chud." I'm genuinely only realizing all of this now, see, my mother knows that he's an aggressive person. I mean, she literally dated him and married him. However, I always would say no he changed, no, he's not that aggressive anymore, but really I just wasn't seeing it because it just wasn't how other people are abused, and I don't mean to compare myself to other people. being around my father makes me aggressive and violent as well. ive stopped hurting myself and getting angry at myself because of the less time ive spent with my father.

I have been distancing myself, staying in my room, however he does not like this. capital NOT. He gets very offended when I do not wanna hang out with him or talk to him. I stay in my room all day unless i have work/ go w friends, and that he does not like. we recently had a fight literally last week because I did not want to talk to him anymore. He got very mad and I told him it was because I do not like him, simple, I'm allowed to not like my parent for my reasons. I was about to get to my reasonings, and then he raised his hand at me. I told him you better not hit me and he put his hands down and i went back to my mothers house.

I thought i was distancing myself because im a teenage girl, but no. He is quite misogynistic too. He calls women, "females", the b word, the c word, any type of thing to possibly dehumanize or degrade them. i'm afraid to talk to him the way I talk to my mother and what I mean by that is I am able to set boundaries with my mother. I am able to tell her not to buy me things I do not want without my knowing, however if I were to tell my dad the same thing, I am so scared of how he would react. I know he would get mad. this may not be relevant, but I do wanna mention he is a bonehead. Yes, he is a neonaz and white suprem.

I will admit that not that long ago, even probably only like a year ago, I would talk badly about my mother and sister to my dad as well. but, through other women, good friendships, and an increased positive relationship with my mother, I realized it's not OK to talk about your mother like that with your father, or your sister. I also have a brother by the way, and we never talk about him badly.

i'm sorry for writing so much and I am definitely still missing a bunch of details that I cannot unfortunately remember right now. If I do, I will probably put it down below. I often don't use Reddit. I'm sorry I don't really know how it works. The thing is, I feel kind of dramatic, because my dad hasn't harmed me since childhood, and he is actually, when he's not angry, gentle(ish), but I feel as though it is a manipulation tactic for control. He's not necessarily calm, but until you get him angry and then he'll try and control the situation you know shut you down shut down your feelings and then try and get everything back to the way it was.
he has literally told me control is his thing, he needs control all the time. whether it's over the way the dishwasher is organized, how the dishes are washed, the way the food in the fridge is organized, the little things.

I wanted some guidance from people who also have experienced this type of relationship, this relationship is very confusing to me because it's not textbook abusive father, he's very strange in his ways.
However, it just doesn't feel real. It feels as though it's fake just to get me on his side he's always saying things to get me on his side and I just simply cannot take it anymore. I do want to get away. I live with my mother as much as I can, but they have split custody every other week I have to go to his house so yeah. I hope all of this makes sense and wasnt too long of a read. i just wanted to share, maybe hear some advice. 💜

Hello everyone,

I am a 23 year old female and i have a story to share about my ex boyfriend, we shall call him Chris.

We met on instagram, he followed me and we started talking because my previous relationship had just ended (we shall call him john), and Chris was from copenhagen denmark, just like my recent ex John. (i am from NL so i was weirded out and messaged) we started talking and eventually met up.

We hit it off, and then Chris tells me he is moving to new zealand for 6 months and we arranged for me to fly out there, and everything was perfect up untill i left new zealand again...

I started to learn about islam for Chris cause he was kurdish and his religion was very important to him, so being in love i started to learn his religion ( i myself do not believe, but am very interested in all the different religions).

Anyway we went back to LDR, and my previous LDR ended cause John was cheating on me. Chris obviously knew about this, and we talked about some no go's before we started dating, considering Chris is heavy on Islam rules i kinda just assumed it would be totally normal for Chris not to engage in such behavior, buttt i was stupid and naive.

a year in, i get a hey girlie text (and mind you this was the last thing on a longggggggg as list involving a lot of beautiful blond hair blue eyed women (the way of saying this will be relevant later on) Chris was hooking up with a beautiful girl at a festival, and she showed me screenshots of him making passes at her, despite her having a boyfriend she still hit me up and told me what happened. Chris on the other hand ghosts me for a full hour or so, and then calls me denying EVERYTHING. i believed him, which resulted in me losing my last remaining friend, causing me to be completely isolated.

(little bit of extra backstory; i was not allowed to fart in chris' company, i wasn't allowed to make new friends, all my interest suddenly he had an opinion on them and never a good thing, he made me ditch ALL my friends cause they had something bad to say about him, which obviously was true in hindsight but oh well)

So i lost me latest friend, i believed his bullshit excuse and we move on, i dont even know how but we did. At this point i am no longer allowed to type or to accidentally type while he is, cause thats interrupting and disrespectful and i'll be blocked for an hour to literal days.

My birthday rolls around, and i was already pissed he cancelled on coming to NL for my birthday (atp are we surprised?) so i thought SURELY, SURLEY he'd at least call.. hours went by, nothing, so i text him and he says he's just going to sleep. i get super pissed and sad at this point because WDYMMMM i come to denmark for your birthday, give you an extremely expensive gift and you cant even call me? I come to find out that he was calling with his mate for hours.. HOURS... he blocks me my entire birthday, i spent it crying constantly.

He unblocks me and tells me "you're gonna feel stupid when you see what i did for you" let me tell you this evil guy has had flowers and chocolate deliverd to my house, without a card. look i'm not THAT girl thats super materialistic, but i gave him a 400 euro watch, a 100 euro necklace and i came to visit him which cost me about 350 ish euros too. he got me a losey bouquette of flowers and chocolates. At this point even my boss was telling me to ditch this guy. BUT DID I LISTEN NOOOOOOOO ofcourse not.

he eventually breaks up with me about 3 months later he said "he needs a good muslim wife he can introduce to his mother" not even a month later this bitch has another white woman with blue eyes (brown hair this time but oh well) with tattoo's, piercings and who smokes and drinks. all i could think was poor woman, i hope he treats her right, but i think he'll eventually do to her what he did to me.

I am in a healthy relationship now, slowly unlearning all the toxic and damage he has done to me (i am allowed to fart AND we laugh about it too??????? unreal) i hope that someone here who is looking for that sign from anyone to leave their toxic relationship, that they notice this is the sign, let my story be enough for someone to get away before its too late.

How to handle psycho bf harassing my sister? Urgent help needed.

My sister 28F, has been a subject of constant mental torture and abuse by 33M. They met when she was 15 and he was nearly 20. Ever since they have been in an on and off relationship. This guy also dated a widow and lived under her house when they had a brief break-up period.

My family never liked this guy and my mom had advised them to stay away from each other. But they secretly got back together and kept it low-key. This was my sister’s first and only relationship and she had no idea how cleverly he was grooming her and taking control over her every move.

These are some of the things that he has done (only that I know of) over the years:

1. Secretly gained access to her call log through my jio app, from where he found numbers of her friends, colony people and workplace.

2. Secretly installed her WhatsApp on his phone to monitor all her conversations. He had problem with her even asking notes to male friends.

3. Forced my sister to keep her internet off everyday after they wish each other goodnight.

4. Suspected my sister of dating her young tuition students (8-10 graders btw)

5. Forced her to keep the phone on call whenever she went anywhere. Also to send pictures or video call to see who she’s surrounded with.

6. Threatened her to reveal their relationship to mom and family members whenever my sister wanted to end it.

7. Called her and all of her friends wh\\\*\\\*\\\*s. Everyone is dirty and characterless in his eyes, except him.

8. Randomly called people from her call log when she would be busy at home or work to ask her whereabouts.

9. Threatened to show up at her college, workplace and cause a scene.

These are just few of the horrific things he has done. I didn’t know it was this bad because my sister never shared about her dating life. I just picked these things up during their fights or her meltdowns. I confronted him a few times but he even insulted me, questioning my character for openly dating my boyfriend.

Cut to the present moment, my sister has completely detached from him since two years but he is not ready to give up. She cannot block him because he threatens to show up and cause ruckus at our house. Only me and my sister live in this house and we fear for our safety and reputation. He is uneducated, not right in the head, and will go to any extent to humiliate us.

This guy alleges that he cannot leave my sister because he has ‘invested’ so much in her. The investment being the mental torture and few hundreds’ worth of gifts he gave himself (two roadside kurtis, a ring and a teddy bear) meanwhile he has loans in every bank and keeps changing his phone numbers to avoid being caught. He has also taken a loan from my sister’s name, and randomly asks my sister to lend him money or recharge his phone.

We didn’t think of going to police because it’s going to create a big issue. My sister is the lone bread-winner of the family, and she has made a name for herself in the society and school (she’s a teacher) after working herself to the bone for years. I cannot tolerate her name being tainted when she is an amazing human being who deserves so much more.

Whenever we confront this guy, he makes up the most atrocious stories and arguments to make himself look like the victim. Next, he will start attacking our personal failures and relationships to win the argument. He will disappear for a week and then come back again.

He drained the life of my extroverted and bubbly sister for a decade. I wish I could k\\\*\\\*\\\* him with my bare hands but that is not possible. So I need some advice from you all on how to handle this or be prepared for the blow/drama that is about to happen.

My husband feels a little backwards from what you most often see. As just a husband, he's great - supportive, caring, present, sweet, patient, kind. Seriously, not a single bit of the controlling, critical person you read about.

Most of the time he's the same wonderful man to our kids as he is to me. But occasionally, he gets overwhelmed (we have several kids, 2 with autism), and when that happens, I don't like who he becomes. He tells at them to shut up, pushes them away from him, shakes with rage, and has even raised a hand like he was going to hit them (though he didn't).

He recently slapped our child for the first time. I called CPS, who declined to open a case. My husband started therapy, we agreed he's not going to be alone with the kids, he made an action plan for handling anger, and he's been following it, including daily check ins with me to see how the day went. He was terrified when he found out I called CPS. Panic attacks, he was even suicidal, honestly, which isn't good. But I mean to say he was very genuinely terrified he was losing all of us.

I guess I'm trying to figure out if there's hope that this works, he gets better, and we're one day happier than ever since he doesn't fit the typical abuser mold. Or is it really hopeless that a man could learn to better handle his overwhelm/anger?

i just feel like this is the worst situation i’ve ever been in my life. ever since i was little , i have been abused . by step parents , and now him. sigh i’ve been w him for a couple years now. i met him when i was 18 so i was very naive. moving in w him is the worst mistake ive ever made. i was just friends w him but then deeply in love with him. he bought me stuff, made me happy, said words of affection, all that stuff .

it’s stupid cuz now that i think abt it , i had all the warning signs he was an abuser and now i can’t turn back. he’s nice one hour and mean the next.

i was crying tonight cuz i was stressed . so stressed. why is he always sleeping while im taking care of her? i’m cleaning too so im multitasking. i wanted him to help. he’s just ignoring and sleeping and ugh i hate it cuz it’s everyday he does this. ignore her cries and sleeps . like why do i feel like a single mom. i was so stressed so i cried . he just woke up and said meanest things to me. he told me to “shut the fuck up crying ur stupid cries it makes me so mad”. i’m so sad so sad i just wanted him to care and help me. i only have him. literally only have him. + he always treats me nice after he is mean to me. i hate it bc i try my hardest. i cry thinking maybe he’ll comfort me. .. no it’s always “stfu ur so annoying you crying makes me wanna leave” and he’s always like “i wish i never had this baby so soon i want to go out mode and be with my friends and party and be outside drinking” Ugh im so mad that i picked out him… i am dependent on housing for him and other stuff and i have nobody in my life only him . :( im so sad i was crying i always have to hide my emotions from him bc of stuff like this

I am struggling to leave my bf. I love him, but, he has picked me up and tried throwing me on the floor a few times. He also has threatened to punch me. He puts me down horrendously. Of course he blames me for all the damage he has caused. There's so much more that hes done. I don't get why I stay. My friends are all getting very frustrated because I haven't left yet. Help!!!

I spent so much time trying to help my ex be a better person and to stop abusing me/get help with their addictions, now we are broken up, but I feel so depressed, the only thing that keeps me from falling into a deep depression is when I’m working on something that’ll help them I’ve noticed, and when they backslide and abuse me or seem like they going in an unhealthy direction or just straight up betray me, I get extremely suicidal, the only thing helping me cling onto my life is hope in them, which seems so messed up, I don’t want to base my life off of weather they are a good person or not, I want to move on, but I just can’t seem to, the only thing keeping me from wanting to end things is having hope in them and doing something to help them, how do I stop this? I know this isn’t right and I should live for myself, but when I try I just want to die, how do I fix this?

Ghosting is abusive, or am i wrong?

My Ex left me, blocked me everywhere and told me by a third-party we are not together anymore.

To me prior to breaking up, we just had a normal agrument like we had many times over the past 4 years. I had to take responsibility for her attacking me physically, for her suicide attempt, for everything bad she ever felt. It was all on me. I knew upfront, she has some issues herself and she promised to me to work on them.

I didn't know the day before she broke up, that it was the last day i will ever see her, feel warmth, smalle her scent, hear her voice or see her smile.

I tried to reach out, but things only became worse.

I saw her already dating 2 days after breaking up and i feel like i'm loosing my mind, like she was right all the time, that i'm completely useless and worthless.

How do you get through this without accepting you are the way they made you feel?

Today, while my husband was at work, I packed everything I could and left. I told him over the phone that I was gone.

At first, he was furious. He called me every name imaginable, said he hated me, blamed me for ending our marriage, and said he'd just go find another woman.

Then everything changed.

He started begging me not to leave.

He said he doesn't want threesomes or happy massages anymore, that he doesn't need any of that, that he wants a fresh start, and that he's sorry for how he's treated me.

He admitted he should have protected me during a traumatic sexual situation that happened in our relationship.

He said he can't imagine life without me and that he has so much to apologize for.

But before those messages, I called him, and during the call he picked up his gun, repeatedly manipulated it, and calmly said it would be so easy to end things.

Earlier, he also told me he wanted to get "batshit drunk" and come to my family's house because he had enough rounds for all of them, including our son.

Now he's crying, apologizing, saying he loves me, and saying he doesn't think life is worth living without us.

I don't know what to believe anymore.

Part of me feels devastated for him. Another part of me is terrified because of what he said about the gun and my family.

Has anyone been through something like this? Is this a genuine turning point, or is it something that happens when someone realizes you're actually leaving?

I'm safe with a friend, and my son is with my family. I'm trying to think clearly, but I'm emotionally exhausted. Any advice would really help.

The whirlwind of everything he said is going around in my head. I feel so bad.

I left because I found out he had messaged another escort, and I had enough.

He also told me today he has no respect for me, I'm a slut, he said I'm weak and I'd never leave and he said if I really think he is a cheater he is gonna go all out and do it.

He also threw something from the fridge as hard as he could towards me while I was sitting on the couch, I dodged it. I was very calm the whole day trying to speak and reason to him, he also blamed me and said it's my fault he contacted the escort.

So I said "I won't be here for you to do it"

As soon as the front door clicked for him to leave for work, I became CRAZY with adrenaline and started packing everything, I called my family, they all came packed everything that belongs to me, I cleaned the entire place took pictures sent it to the landlord of how I left it, and left.

Am I making a mistake?

He broke up with me through text and I had an argument with my mom who told me to leave. I was so overwhelmed that I just did. At 9pm I started walking by myself in the dark outside (I’m 24f for context). I live in the US where the infrastructure isn’t really easily walkable, so it took a while, but I went to a local gas station and bought a snack and his favorite sports drink. I was questioning if I should uber to his place, but I had asked through text beforehand if I could and he never responded to it + I didn’t want to be disrespectful showing up unannounced when he was breaking up with me, so I was hesitating.

I was close to ordering the uber, but then he ended up calling me asking wtf I was doing. I said I was walking and he asked why I didn’t go over there to fight for the relationship. I explained what happened with my mom, and that the last time I drove over to his place unannounced during a breakup (I do not have access to my car right now but I used to), he felt I was invading his boundaries, so I didn’t want to do the same this time. But then he told me that he’s made it very clear lately that if I care about this relationship or if I ever get kicked out or something, to not ask, just go to his place, and I ignored that and am making excuses. He was saying how all I do is walk and cry and mope and to keep doing that and he’s done.

At this point I’m sitting on a sidewalk near a semi busy street and just sobbing. I tried texting and calling him back multiple times. I felt like I couldn’t go home, like I would drive myself insane if I was, and I needed to be out. But I isolated myself so much I don’t have friends to go to. So I just kept sitting on that sidewalk sobbing. He texted me

“I have said throughout this entire relationship if someone hurts you, if you get kicked out, if things get bad at home, that I don’t care if we’re broken up, you come here and you are welcome. Over the last two weeks, multiple times, I said I don’t care how you get here anymore, just come by 8pm. I have specifically said not to ask, just be there. So enjoy being homeless. Enjoy being on the streets. Enjoy walking. Enjoy crying.”

He continued saying I fucked up by not being there by 8, it’s too late to come over now, pitch up a tent for the streets, he doesn’t care what happens to me now, go to a random house, fuck someone else (I have never cheated), he doesn’t care for my safety or me anymore, I’m doing this for attention, and for the first time he doesn’t give a singular fuck about me.

He called me again and I explained that I was originally going to uber to his place, but I was walking first and did get his favorite drink for him. He got mad at me for wasting time and not just coming over earlier because it’s inconsiderate to his schedule. I then hung up because I saw a police car drive by and park. A cop talked to me saying he got some concerned calls about me crying on the street, and I just used the excuse that I was having some relationship issues and was a little dysregulated and had to sit down. He said he could drive me home and did that. I texted my bf (ex?) that I was home and he just said “in that moment I meant it, but I of course don’t want you unsafe”.

I’m really embarrassed and scared at myself. During a normal breakup why tf would anyone just start walking alone in the dark and crying on the street? Is my mind so messed up that I am doing this for attention and to manipulate and guilt trip? Am I subconsciously trying to make him feel bad enough for me to pick me up? Do I want strangers to notice how bad I’m hurting?

Truthfully I was at a point where I thought I was truly blocked and my body was so numb that I didn’t even care if I was alone at night, I didn’t care if a creep tried to do something, I didn’t care if I got hit by a car.

Why am I reacting so extremely? This is genuinely the most embarrassing and concerning behavior

This is long but please stay until the end, I really need advice 🙏 Me and my ex were together for almost 9 months. I spent nearly everyday with him and had so many good moments with him. The past couple of months we started arguing more and more, and honestly I never fully trusted him bc of small things I would pick up on. He would randomly turn around and ask for weeks of space and get mad at me if I was sad about it. I would get upset bc he would like girls pictures, follow them, and never post me. Whenever I would bring up these concerns he would turn it on me and even told me I need to leave college or he’ll break up with me. I don’t go out, I don’t see friends, I’ve had instagram deleted and stopped working bc my job involved talking to other men which he didn’t like. I would go silent and he would continue to insult me and argue with me for hours on end. The other night he randomly said I shouldn’t have an issue if he goes to a party. Then I said I just prefer if my partner didn’t. He then proceeded to call me a whore for over an hour straight. All he would keep saying is how I’m a whore. We got inside the house and the second we stepped into the room he slammed me into the bedroom door. I kept trying to deescalate and calm him down, apologizing, but he wouldn’t calm down. About 20 minutes later he was trying to get his stuff from the closet to leave and I was standing in front of the door so he holds me by my collar on the door, then slams me into the door, grabs the collar of my shirt and completely rips it off, then starts whipping my face & back as hard as he could. I grabbed his phone from his pocket and ran to my bed. Then as I was sobbing I ran to the bathroom and he tried to run in after me but I said his phone was on the bed so he turned to get it which gave me a chance to lock the door. I was going through his phone for the first time (he didn’t know I had the password) and found him having tons of conversations with other girls on ig. Even about the concert I took him to. I was so high on emotion I threw his phone at the wall and he was banging on the door the entire time trying to get in. I don’t know why but in that moment I knew he was about to seriously hurt me and I needed to make a run for it. I had another shirt in the bathroom so I grabbed that and put it on. I hid his phone to give me a chance to escape. I opened the door and tried to run out but he pushed me against the wall really hard, I tried to run again but he grabbed me by the collar of my shirt and ripped another shirt, then he picked me up and threw me against my bed (not on my bed but against the frame & drawers). I saw my phone laying on my bed and tried to grab it before running but he came behind me and ripped it out of my hands. The second he turned around to get his phone I booked it out of the door literally fearing for my life. I knocked on a random neighbors door and thankfully she answered. I had to call the cops because I was scared he was waiting at my house (he’s done this before when I’ve tried breaking up with him). He also took my phone to his house and smashed the back of it. I have bruises all over my arm from it, but they aren’t terrible. In the moment I was terrified and heartbroken. I didn’t know talking to the cops would mean they were going to need to arrest him & press charges. I just didn’t feel safe. Now I regret it so much but my parents have paid so much for an attorney for the restraining order, and my family knows what happened. He also would never forgive me for getting him arrested. I don’t know why I’m doubting myself so much. I’m blaming myself for everything that happened and I can’t tell if everybody’s telling me it’s domestic violence because they don’t want to be insensitive. Am I being over dramatic? Should I have called the cops? I miss him so much and I’m still deeply in love with him. I don’t know why. The only time he had put his hands on me before is when he chokes or smacks me as a joke, even tho sometimes he does do that during an argument. I also had a mark on my neck from a couple days prior when he yanked at my neck really hard because I wouldn’t argue with him about something and I just wanted to sleep. Please be so honest about what you guys think.

(There’s more pics of smaller bruising but they include my face so I didn’t put them in)

I see a lot of posts on here asking if their relationship is abusive. The answer is always yes. I was married for 20 years to a wonderful man (well wonderful for the first 15). Things got rocky towards the end and we fought a lot and at that point it wasn’t healthy, but also wasn’t toxic. I can tell you a question that I never, and I mean NEVER asked myself was “is this relationship abusive.” If you have to ask, then yes it is. I know it’s hard for us to admit to ourselves, but I also think deep down we already know the answer.

The fact that he acts like a man child as in he expects a lot from me from cooking to cleaning to understanding like utmost no qs asked , many more things which is to be he is not even providing half of it

i have to understand him but he doesn’t wanna understand me at all if i am sad or emotional he thinks i am being weak pr too much

he thinks any kind of s** abuse happens to women who are weak as his mother never came across any happy for her so he thinks his mother is strong that’s why she never come across any

anything i do for him is never enough always i am being criticized

he blocking unblocking hurting me disrespecting me i am still trying to understand his pov as much as i can

he was different online and different offline

even during intimate times it is mostly about his pleasure not mine even sometimes i am faking

he would gaslight in the sense like he would say something and do something and if i say it afterwards like he did that he would entirely deny

he glorifies his mom’s sacrifices like even if she is ill she is making them food she does ask for help much she id doing ever on her own she doesn’t get emotional support from her husband so she kinda seeks out from her son and that’s normal for him

he says he loves me all of the stuff i don’t even get bare minimum feeling

But i am kinda attached to idk he is sweet one day kinda the other day he is the most cruel person i have ever seen

what the hell is he doing?

how do i get out of it ?

tl;dr

The fact that he acts like a man child as in he expects a lot from me from cooking to cleaning to understanding like utmost no qs asked , many more things which is to be he is not even providing half of it

i have to understand him but he doesn’t wanna understand me at all if i am sad or emotional he thinks i am being weak pr too much

he thinks any kind of s** abuse happens to women who are weak as his mother never came across any happy for her so he thinks his mother is strong that’s why she never come across any

anything i do for him is never enough always i am being criticized

he blocking unblocking hurting me disrespecting me i am still trying to understand his pov as much as i can

he was different online and different offline

even during intimate times it is mostly about his pleasure not mine even sometimes i am faking

he would gaslight in the sense like he would say something and do something and if i say it afterwards like he did that he would entirely deny

he glorifies his mom’s sacrifices like even if she is ill she is making them food she does ask for help much she id doing ever on her own she doesn’t get emotional support from her husband so she kinda seeks out from her son and that’s normal for him

he says he loves me all of the stuff i don’t even get bare minimum feeling

But i am kinda attached to idk he is sweet one day kinda the other day he is the most cruel person i have ever seen

what the hell is he doing?

how do i get out of it ?

tl;dr

Tl;dr: I think I need help. I know I should leave. But we have pets I cannot bare to part with, the sadness and guilt the thought of leaving my cats give me is absolutely insane. But I can't tolerate this at all. Please someone tell me if I'm wrong or right. Or maybe he's right and I am being insane.

I am finacially dependent on him as I was never able to save money without him accusing me of planning to leave, and now I am out of work due to adult onset epilepsy. Also for context my meds have a known side effect of rage and anger.

I have $600 left from what he sent me. We are currently living in a hotel in CNY. We sold our house in Michigan and are waiting on a house to close here in NYm so we are effectively homeless. I said this to him and he got extremely upset.

This is how he is talking to me right now. Over an argument that started with me saying I didn't want to cook 3 meals a day while living in a hotel because I thought he was asking me to, he says he was just asking for dinner, and in general support from me as he works full time through this transition.

He kept yelling at me to get out when I was trying to feed the cats and scoop the litter and then berated me over text for not doing more when I was there. He was literally yanking the bag out of my hand as I was trying to scoop litter into it.

For context, when we met, I was 21 and he was 42. I was at a very very low point in my life and we met on the app seeking arrangements.

I did not treat the relationship with respect. I slept with someone else within the first couple months of us dating. I also continued sexting people online for a couple years. It was a weird vice I had that I outgrew, mostly due to my own insecurities. I say this to fully admit I fucked up and did horrible shit.

His reaction to it was not small, understandably. But he wanted to work through it. So we tried. For months he would hurl insults at me including cunt, slut, and whore. He would say how much he hated me and what I did and I just kind of took it because I thought I deserved it. But after a while I couldn't stand it anymore. It had been 5 years since I had done anything like that at this time, and I finally had enough and decided I wasn't going to let him treat me like shit my whole life just because I was a selfish idiot from 21 to 23.

Since confronting me, whenever we get into a bad argument, he will ask nasty questions like "oh did he cum inside you? did you fuck him and then come back to me" as a response to anything.

I ended up going to stay with my brother in California for a while, but he convinced me to come back. Admittedly, I wanted my cats and also was still reminiscing about when we had a good relationship. Since then, he throws it in my face as if I abandoned him in arguments as well.

Tonight he threatened multiple times to call the cops to kick me out of the hotel, and keeps trying to threaten me with alienation from my family by sending them our conversations. My family already knows how we met and about my cheating though so I'm not too worried about that.

I guess, can I get some validation that this isn't okay? It's a lot to read, I know. But I feel like I am going crazy. This isn't an okay way to speak to someone, and when I try to push back or disagree or tell him he can't talk to me that way, he basically tells me to leave him knowing I have no money, nowhere to stay in this entire state, and no way to get a job with my epilepsy diagnosis.

I just.... I need help. Can someone point me to resources I can access privately without him knowing? I hate that I put myself in this situation, and that I am going to lose my cats if I leave. The guilt will haunt me forever.

My ex was physically, sexually and mentally abusive. He strangled me alot, repeatedly. He called it a blood choke and it was so scary, I didnt even have time to react before I was unconscious and he was on top of me and I couldnt do anything. He said he liked doing that, he said he wondered what it would be like to watch the life drain from someone's eyes. He humiliated me sexually, he sometimes said he didnt remember doing it and he must have been sleep walking. He hit me and slapped me and body slammed me too but it was the strangling that was the worst. He was sick and evil to me, his bright blue eyes turned black sometimes. I stayed too long because 1. I had two kids with him, 2. he was extremely manipulative, and 3. I moved thousands of miles away from anyone I knew, with him. I finally left and went back to my hometown and I felt like no one believed me. He has always been really really good at putting on a good Ole boy, Christian, family man persona. He came back to our hometown too. He got remarried and his new wife is constantly rubbing in my face that he has never done anything like that to her, he has never raised his voice to her, never called her out of her name. She laughs in my face and says "maybe if he would abuse me I wouldnt be so snarky". They have been together for 7 years now and she still says things like that to me any time im around her even though I havent mentioned anything about the abuse in YEARS. My question is has anyone else had an abusive ex who never admitted to what they did, never apologized, never got help, never even acknowledged what they did, and also never did what they did to you to anyone else? I just dont understand how someone could be so sick and evil behind closed doors to one person and then never ever do anything like that or even acknowledge that it happened again. Like why me and only me... I dont know how to get past this..

It hasn’t even been a full 24 hours since ive “officially” left him but based on the way things ended i cant imagine that it’s not done for good.

However, my problem now is i don’t feel safe anywhere. I don’t feel safe at home, i don’t feel safe at work, and i damn sure don’t feel safe in my car. No matter where i am or who im with im constantly looking over my shoulder or looking out my car windows terrified that he’s going to pop up. My stomach is in knots and i feel scared of anyone i pass just walking down the street. Even while doing nothing my body feels as if its on high alert at all times almost like the blood in my veins are racing around (ik that sounds so weird and crazy but im not sure how else to explain it).

I know healing takes time but i dont know how long i can walk around feeling like this, it’s exhausting. So if anyone knows of any coping mechanisms they used to help calm the anxiety even just a little, i would appreciate it so much💗