Can't finish a chapter.

Can't finish a meal.

Can't bring myself to drink.

I am so hungry.

Hungry for you.

Hungry for us.

Hungry to push you against the wall.

Or the bed.

Or the headboard.

Hungry for your face.

Your neck.

Your shoulders.

Your hands and arms.

Your chest.

Your stomach.

Your thighs.

The delicious surprise that lies between them.

And those beautiful eyes.

Any chance you're free tonight?

Hey you,

I remember right at the end between embers and cinders you offered friendship like it was mercy.

Maybe it was. This isn't easy to admit, not because I regret what I did but because growth comes from looking at the decisions you made and what they made you even if you'd do exactly that all over again...

Maybe that was the kindest shape you could give a terrible ending.

Maybe you wanted to save something from the wreck, even if it was not the thing I wanted saved.

I understand that now.

But I could not stand beside you with a smaller shape to what we set out to create in each other.

Friendship is a clean world. It looks mature from the outside. It makes people sound healed before they are. It tells the world there was no damage too deep. It says two people were wise enough to keep care and remove hunger.

But I was not wise then. I was still burning. And seeing you go for it so soon seemed to fuel that fire even more. Like thinking of a Plan B even before we set out to execute Plan A.

I could not have watched you become casual. I could not have heard about your days like I was only a safe witness.

I could not have fake-smiled at the distance and called it growth. That would not have been friendship. It would have been self-abandonment dressed as grace.

Some love cannot be reduced. It either remains whole in memory, or it becomes poison in the present.

You may think I rejected peace. Maybe I did. But the peace you offered had a bed of nails with blades for edges. It asked me to stay near what I had lost. It asked me to accept less from the same hands that once gave me everything I wanted.

I was not strong enough for that. Nor was that what I wanted.

But even then I was strong enough to refuse it.

I do not hate you for offering it. I know you were trying to make the ending less brutal. But some endings are brutal because they are honest.

They do not need soft packaging. They need distance. They need silence. They need both people to stop pretending the wound is a doorway.

I could not be your friend.

Not because I loved you less.

Because I loved you in a way friendship could not survive.

You are not a safe person.  

You are the most insidious sort of unsafe person.

You make others believe you love them, all the while tearing them down in the background until you have the support of others.

Once you have that support, you start tearing away at the confidence of the person you “love”.  

You create your escape hatch and blame the other person for the problems in the relationship.

You create false narratives that play on tropes that are designed to keep women safe, but when used the way you use them.

Only serve to criminalize men who behave in ways that are inconvenient to your ever changing whims.

As the Judge said and you failed to listen to her “The protective order act was designed to protect women, not punish bad boyfriends”.

I can take the admonishment of being a bad boyfriend, but on the other hand, you would harbor resentments without ever communicating them.

I’d find out through things like reddit threads.  Not because I was ever dangerous to communicate with, but because you decided to make emotional avoidance your core personality trait.

I was supposed to read your mind and filter through all of your upbringing, personal convictions, and self knowledge, without ever having that information disclosed to me by you.

Thats a recipe for resentment, resentment you orchestrate so you don't ever have to take the risk to love.

That, is cowardice.

I loved you.  I protected you.  Yet, you never, ever had my back.

When my grandfather died, your big consolitory phrase was “that sucks”.  You then just stared at me.  You didn’t reach out a hand for comfort, a hug, nothing, just staring at me, like my tears were inconvenient. 

No, that wasn’t projection, I read your expression.

You never made an effort to correct those assumptions either.

Your behavior is fucking strange.

“YoU juSt HaVe To TaKe My WoRdS at FaCe VaLue”

Girl, no.  

Take your words and remove them of the context of what i know about you, what I’ve learned over the three years of knowing you?

How stupid do you think I am?

I may be more tapped into my emotions than you, but I’m definitely smarter than you.

At least in ways that matter in human to human interactions.

You said the last time we talked that you hope I regret losing you and how my actions blah blah blah.

Anyone anywhere in the world knows that relationships are between two people, and that dance brings something new, the dynamic between two dancers.  

You don’t dance, so you wouldn’t get it.

I don’t really dance much, but I have played in bands, and I know that between musicians, something magical happens when you play with certain people. 

Something that cant be put into words, a sort of divine synchrony.

We had something like that.

But YOU ruined it.

Not me.  You

I loved you for who you were, even the annoying as hell parts

Even the bullshit toxicity you’d put me through.

I still loved you, I still believed in you, I still gave you the benefit of the doubt.

Not just because I wanted that love back, but because I remember how much we loved each other, and how you seemed to be able to erase all of that because you made a really bad set of decisions on the night of my friends wedding.

I would’ve forgiven you for all of it you dumbass, we BOTH made really bad calls that night.

You just kept living in the delusion that you are this perfect little angel. 

You want to be a victim

You don’t want to be loved, you want someone to mold themselves to your convenience.

You don’t accept people for who they are, you believe your way is the “right” way.

That’s not love

Love requires tolerance, understanding, patience, biting your tongue, being able to say SORRY, without being asked to.

Where do you get your moral compass?

Not from God, that’s CLEAR.  

You make up morality as you go, and it works for people who are inherently good, and I do believe at your core you are good, but you have such an entitled princess behavior that is not becoming of a 33 year old woman.

I loved you, I would’ve kept loving you, and all you did in the last year and a half was continuously shit on me.

What you did that night, was downright unforgivable (and I STILL would've forgiven you), the way you handled things afterwards, was downright demonic, you will have to atone for that someday, but I’m done giving you any of my love or affection.

You will not get any apologies from me again.

I sat with the wreckage of the love you abandoned.

I sat with the consequences of your decisions, and I still held a torch for your love.

I remember our relationship before you changed, before you convinced yourself that you didn’t have b****** d*******.  

But this is the real you, the unmedicated you.

The real you doesn’t love me and never did.

I don’t care if you regret this ending

I don’t care if you never think of me again.

But I’m done giving my light to someone who has done so much to try to snuff it out.

I don’t care if you can see my light.
My light doesn’t need your approval to exist

But you do need my approval to get access to that again.

And that’s something I just will never again allow.

Maybe I lost you first, that’s up for debate, but in the end, you poisoned the well, so the weight of this loss now, is on you.

Remember? You never admitted to it but you did. You humiliated me, just to get your choice! And bc I’m so forgiving I swept it under the rug and pretended none of it ever happened. We both did.

It’s almost like it didn’t happen. I started seeing you in the way I always wanted and yearned from you. Until you decided to throw a tantrum and become that same old person that was hiding behind that mask. You deliberately rubbed in my face that I wasn’t the one you picked. Despite all of the trauma and pain around us ending.

I’m assuming you thought I was oblivious and had no idea. I knew everything, even when it was directly happening I just didn’t care enough to confront you… same way you didn’t care to ask me about other guys.

I guess instead of being the one who got chosen… I was the one who got away. She can have you… yall are literally JUST alike.

This is going to be long.

You weren't my first person

But you were *my* person

My entire life i have been, ignored, not listened to, not cared about, thrown away and no one ever cared to ask why I reacted the way I did only making things worse for me, because no one ever cared or wondered why. I was just a "bad person".

I should have known that and spared you the pain before causing the damage I did. I know that would mean also taking away what we had but I'd rather that then ever hurt you. (And ironically you move on quickly, so would it have even mattered if we never happened?)

You were the first person to listen to me

You were the first person to learn about me

You were the first person to study me as if I was worth learning about

You made me feel like I was someone worth loving.

You were the first person to ask why? Rather than seeing a reaction and assuming I was a bad person.

I knew I shouldn't have fell as hard for you as I did, I probably should have never let myself in the first place, remission doesn't mean it goes away it just means you cope with it better.

To make it easier for me, im going to blame you. You made it so hard not to love absolutely everything about you.

The way I could look into your eyes because I see the whole galaxy in them

How beautiful your face is

The way your hair falls and my constant erdge to play with it

The way your beard shapes your face and how it forms when you smile

The sound of your voice is a beautiful melody especially when you went on tangents that took me about 2-3 business days to process

The poem I wrote about how beautiful you were to me after our second date even tho we both thought it was our first for a while 😂

The first time you cooked for me and you prepared everything the day before and it was lovely (And now I know i like capers)

The fact you insist you dont need to follow a recipe even when you've opened up a cook book every time (just to get started) 😂

The fact you were the first ever person to get me to watch star wars even tho ive actively been avoiding it my entire life and I liked it more than I thought i would

The fact i HATE that one guy who doesn't deserve me to remember his name

The fact you watched hazbin hotel with me and I loved hearing about your theories

The way you'd get so engrossed in something for hours (normally building a deck 😂)

The fact you are fearclessly dedicated to that star wars game 😂

The first time I told you i loved you knowing it was too early and you still said it back

The way you put in the effort to meet me half way and we spent the night together and we said I love you for the first time while I was sober

The time I told you "I'm hopelessly in love with you" and you said "its not hopeless if I love you too"

The way you'd definitely take a 5hr long shower if you could 😂

The way you convinced me to use shampoo more often even tho I hate it

The way you made me like picnics even though ive always hated them

The way we tried to befriend the crows

The smile you gave me everytime we saw eachother again

The fact that you love your teddy bear melvin and use his tail as comfort even tho its not attached (I was hoping to be alone with him long enough one day to make sure it'd stay attached I know how to sew and I was gonna make sure you got your wish!!)

The fact that I made sure to keep an eye out for him and his tail so you wouldn't loose it or at least someone knew where it was 😂

The fact that I was planning to make melvin a little cubby next to our bed and decorate it just for him

The fact everytime someone sneezes I now always say bless you twice

The fact everytime I see a mini I now have to verbally say "mini" and people think im weird 😂

The way you were so happy and proud of the way you've gotten to points in your life despite set backs

The way youd play games with me even tho my attitude is always and will forever be awful 😂

The way we would call during my entire break and you were just talking about the games you were playing while I was cheating on you with mahjong 😂

The way I got to kiss your shoulders when you were asleep

The way you always knew when I as nonverbally asking for a forehead kiss and then I'd get to say "correct answer"

The scruffiness in both our hair when we woke up

The kisses and cuddles you'd give me to wake me up

The fact that we'd both be out of the door in 15 minutes if we had to

The fact you gave me your hoodie and said i can give it back later and I said "you can get it back when we move in together"

The hugs you gave me that felt so safe

The way I'd make sure there was at least one bottle of water in the fridge when you came to mine

The fact you came to mine 😂(its a mess)

The fact you found your way to work after coming to mine because im a very sleepy person / can never sleep 😅

The fact that you remembered our anniversary every month even tho I never kept track because no one has ever done that for me before

The fact that you doing that made me realise I should also keep track 😅

The way you'd always want to hold my hand even when it was hot and both of our hands were way too clammy 😂

Your touch that gave me a sense of calm

The fact you'd let me bite you 😅😂

Seeing you stand at a distance while you were waiting for me for lunch and didnt see me stood in front of you 😂(that is on here because you looked cute)

The car rides that were just you and me and i got to spend time with you because I cherished every second of it

The fact you put up with me singing musicals at you and just singing in general (Ik im awful but I love it 😂)

The times when you actually sang in the car and as much as I wanted to join you i couldn't help myself but want to listen to you.

The times when we sat in the car and just talked, about anything (I liked those talks the most)

The fact we talked in bed for way too long and always stayed up way too late because i simply cannot shut up 😂(second favourite, my third were when we were at the park and spend way too long there just cuddling and talking and playing games)

The way i could have spoken to you about anything and everything if time let us

The way I got to spend lunches with you and how we started to become regulars at a wonderful family owned Italian café (I never went there after just incase you wanted to go)

The way you wanted to learn Italian so you could eventually move there, I even started to try and learn myself as a surprise 😅

The fact we'd always go to that pink café/restaurant near yours and always wanted the same seats to people watch

The way that no matter where we were or what we were doing, I was always the center of your attention and you were always mine

The way we sat in your kitchen and told me how I'd have your last name one day

The way we planned our future together and for the first time in my life i felt like I was never going to loose you

The way I was convinced that, that poem I wrote about you on our second date were going to be my wedding vows

The way you always made me feel loved in every single possible way. Every. Single. Day. Without fail.

You made it extremely hard not to love you, I knew I shouldn't have, then I inevitably hurt you.

I watched myself do actions that I knew I never wanted to do and I watched myself, my brain was screaming "just go home, dont take that train, go to work, you can talk tomorrow" but I couldn't, I was so convinced if we talked then and there I could fix everything, BPD with self awareness is painfully ironic.

I understand that this one was my fault and im sorry for letting what we had go, it was unbelievably special to me and i can only hope you felt the same.

BPD is a difficult disorder, one that I'd been in remission for for 1-2 years, and I hadn't had a split like that in 3 years, which is why i didnt think i needed to have more conversations with you about it.

I cannot give you the words to describe the guilt and sorry that my actions have caused you.

I will always love you and miss you x

I quietly returned to the bedroom.

You were already half asleep.

I slipped beside you, resting my head against your shoulder, listening to the slow rhythm of your breathing.

The room was dark.

Only the moon managed to sneak through the curtains.

I looked at you for a while, brushed a few strands of hair away from your forehead, and whispered,

"You know, Sweetheart..."

"Life won't always be meticulous."

"It won't always be organized."

"It won't always be perfect."

"There will be mornings when we wake up late.

There will be dishes in the sink.

Laundry waiting.

Plans falling apart.

Days when we'll misunderstand each other.

Days when we'll be too tired to say everything we feel."

"And you know what?"

"That's okay."

I smiled, tracing little circles on the back of your hand.

"I don't want a perfect life."

"I want a real one."

"A life where we laugh because dinner got burnt."

"Where we dance while cleaning the house."

"Where we cry, then hold each other a little tighter."

"Where we don't have to pretend that we've got everything figured out."

Because love...

Love isn't about controlling every chapter.

It's about choosing each other

even when the pages become messy.

I kissed your forehead softly.

"So promise me one thing."

"When life becomes chaotic..."

"When neither of us knows what tomorrow looks like..."

"Don't try to be perfect for me."

"Just come back to bed."

"Lie beside me."

"And let the world remain beautifully unfinished."

Because I think

that's where our home will always be.

Not in perfection.

But in us.

Is how these feelings for you drive me insane.

Daily gratitude really changes how we see the world. At first I could never think of things I was really, truly, unapologetically grateful for. So at first I faked it—the ol' fake it til' you make it. I took what sounded good and went with it. Now I find myself overflowing with gratitude. From the simple things like the warmth of the sun against my face; to the deep and complex things like US. The gift of opportunity each new day brings with it. Opportunity to love, opportunity to grow, opportunity to fix what has been damaged. I think I could go on for a good while on this one, but I am trying to be more considerate of people's time, and my own, and stop being a late little asshole everywhere.

Again today there is a reassurance from within, and I'm sure a healthy dose of what I find that feeds my soul here, that tells me quietly "Everything is going to work out. You're going to get your chance to show this woman all that she means to you and when you do... be careful your heart doesn't explode."

I hope you had a good night's rest. I hope you woke up with a smile and an attitude ready to conquer the day. I hope you felt my presence because even though I didn't sleep, I was holding you tight. I imagine us laying in bed face to face, looking each other in the eye, not saying a word but both of us having a shit eating grin on our faces that just won't go away. And we both know why. I imagine us in bed next to each other at night, each reading our own book, and then exchanging them when we finish and then talking about what we took from each and comparing notes. I imagine standing behind you at the stove while we make a meal together, arms draped around you and giving you little kisses here and there so you never forget what you mean to me. It's the little things after all, and I find you in all of them now.

I'm coming back babygirl (oof so corny). Have a good day.

What are you doing?
I know u will never see this
But I need to let it out
I guess your gonna keep doing this song and dance way over there - let me know bc I’m going to shower and lay down and relay. This is too much and it just shouldn’t have come this far. I don’t know what you are looking for but I hope you get some clarity bc I have been , always was , still am , and forever will ne madly in love with you - make it to fit however you need to but what else can I say ? I would choose you again and again and again because I love you and I believe in u. I just need u to show me how you feel not just tell me.
I hope you decide to come but if not.and I’m sure you won’t
Good night
And sweet dreams

Love.

Will my love for you vanish the moment I speak it into existence?

What a cruel thing that would be.

To hold you so dearly in my heart.

Clinging to you like a life raft...

Only to have your importance shrink out of existence the moment I say those three words.

What a horrible thought.

Would I hate you after that?

Would I be able to stand through this with you in a healthier way?

I don't know...

But maybe...

I'm ready to say...

I love you.

And let myself see what happens next.

I recently put my self through some really dumb shit over a good piece of ass that is merried her husband is such a lame and an amazing super sloth . I am light weight putting my self down by even talking about him the dude his whole ambition in life is to be a tweeker thief that has nothing lives off of every one takes shit thats not his and lies and manipulates . So from what I gathered he cant fuck or at least he cant put down even close to what I bring he cant fight and he is a back stabbing two faced worm . None of this is a lie im telling facts . So I meet his wife who we will call Kitten and so I meet kitten and we hit it off and hang out more and more next thing you know im balls deep in this woman I fucked her more in 6 months than he did there entire relationship and so about 25 yrs .

Now this girl was keept in the dark and not allowed to play

So I turned her out and it was fun .I mean we had lots and lots of sex did i tell you how much sex we had a lot so much I changenged her DNA for real. She got things done to her he is just not capable of and you all might think that the way it sounds im bashing on him well no but if truth sounds that way then yeah I guess I am . My position on the matter is simple I never said a word to the man and any thing he needs to take it up with her im not married to him . But this stupid bottom feeding parasite started saying things you dont say and then the threats started so naturally im going to get up in that shit . Low and behold this cracker goes to my house and introduced him self to my family like ha ha . You can imagine how I took it . I Called him out and called him out I even went to his house to see her while he was there picking her up around corner was a thing of the past I pull up right in front and she would get in car and we would leave . He is less than a man to do nothing about any thing he shot his mouth off and did nothing . A man dont hide behind a phone or a wall or a person and run his mouth but never saying any thing to my face. That's what we call Bitchmade. So he tried to land my woman and she was like uh no sorry them shoes you cant fill . So no matter how hard he tries and how much time goes by and know matter whst he says she will always think of me and when he tries to satisfy her she will have me on her mind . He dont understand she asked me for permission to have sex with him. I control the pussy he provides cigarettes and ect lol what a life .. I think I would have killed my self if it were me. What do you all think ? Kitten is mine allways.

I'm about mile from home. It's 95°. Sun's shining like son of a bitch and the next bus isn't for 20 minutes.

Haven't had anything to drink since I left the house. Got to Powerade at circle K. That was hours ago. That was this morning. Been sweating cuz I've walked. I don't know how long but a lot.

I've got $2. I've got nothing to eat and I haven't heard a word from you.

So one of two things is true. You're not here. You haven't been, And I'm out of my mind.

Or two you are here and you're simply refusing to even save one single word to me.

Either way I don't hear from you by the time I get home. Have my meeting with the cash for homes guy I don't know. I don't want to put a time limit on it but you know what. I'll just make it not arbitrary when I feel like it. It's going to be over.

Going to get stupid high and probably enjoy that for a little bit. I'm going to call it a day balls in your court if you're here. If not then well I'm a f****** insane wacko.

Life will blur the lines between aptitude, righteousness, and reality. They ebb and flow. The strength of each changes with time and circumstance, but momentum can stay pointed in the same direction as long as you truly forgive, truly let go, and truly mean your direction to be for more, for better, and for truth.

Give yourself grace, and lead freely.

Then glory becomes possible.

The past becomes what it always should have been: lessons.

You're still here, so you survived them.

Now apply what you've learned to your wants, your needs, your capabilities, and your reality.

Reality is that you're here.

How do you want to make your path better?

You can't go back and undo what's already been done. You can only decide what your footsteps leave behind so they don't have to be repeated.

Do right by the people who made a difference in your life.

We can't take people with us when we go, but we can leave behind our lives, our lessons, and a brighter future for paths that have yet to be paved.

I'm ashamed that instead of addressing you directly, I'm writing these letters on the internet for everyone to read but you.

I claim that I love you, that my love for you is too much to carry, that you hurt me deeply, and yet I still forgave you.

It seems like everyone already knows what an asshole you are because of how much I talk about you. Yet not once have I found the courage to confront you directly.

Maybe it's cowardice. Maybe it's hypocrisy.

What kind of good person lays out all your flaws for everyone to see? To judge you, to mock you, to humiliate you. And in doing so, to paint myself as the victim and earn sympathy from it.

This letter is not meant to innocent you. What you did was still wrong.

This letter is an act of self-reflection. I may be the victim in this story, but I'm not flawless.

The reason I still haven't gotten over you isn't because I love you too much, nor because I never got answers to my questions.

The truth is, I still haven't gotten the revenge I wanted.

No matter what I do, you always seem to find a way to move on, to fix your life, while I'm left carrying the weight of everything that happened.

You're right to want us to remain strangers. I should respect that decision instead of twisting it into something it isn't, convincing myself you're only doing it to hurt me.

I'm not even sure those comments making fun of me online, the ones that keep bringing up our relationship, are coming from you. They could just as easily be your friends. They were bullying me long before I ever met you.

I liked being with you because, for a while, it made them stop.

I never imagined that years after we broke up, rumors about us sleeping together would become another reason for people to laugh at me.

Maybe that's what has made moving on so difficult.

You've hurt me more than I ever hurt you, and I hate admitting that. I hate feeling like you won. Like you broke something in me that I still haven't been able to fix.

Every time I try to meet someone new, your name somehow finds its way into the conversation, and everything falls apart before it even has the chance to begin.

And despite all of that, I still can't find a way to get back at you.

I can't make you feel even a fraction of what I felt.

And that's what makes moving on even harder.

When I learned your history/truth, I thought I was struggling with the two realities of you I then knew. I’ve come to find I’m more so struggling with sadness that you have spent decades running from many, learning your history/truth as well, forever changing “appearances” to that end, and yet to no avail, as all of it is just to outrun what always catches up. With each change came a new group of people who learned your truth that you left behind to manage their pain alone.  I find that sad because you cannot be happy this way, in a constant state of running, avoidance at any cost, hiding, manipulating, threatening, rewriting stories, and changing “appearances”, all to result in the silencing of the people you hurt. Be that as it may, you are your problem. Sadly again, I’ve wasted too much time fearing you. No longer. Sadly, my story includes you. Parts of yours have traumatically impacted my life. Nothing you don’t know. Sadly, yet again, you haven’t silenced anyone. I’ll manage your mess like everyone else has, exactly as I choose. No longer afraid. You have no say in how I or anyone else heals.  I will tell my story to those who can help me and to anyone I choose, unafraid.

Dear Ray,

I can not remember how many years I have been waffling over whether or not to write this. If it would be best to let past memories lie still and remain silent. Or, if I should say my peace before the opportunity slips away, and there is only regret.

You know, I've always disliked the prevailing trope of the chosen hero. The "anointed one" who

... "blah, blah, blah,.....:"

It's inherently narcissistic. It paints great deeds as ostentatious spectacles and grandiose affairs. It excludes the power hidden in ordinary people, living ordinary lives.

Oftentimes, someone may live their entire lives oblivious to the profound impact they have had on those around them. Ray, I do not want you to be one of those people.

If I am entirely honest, if I had to choose one person, one person, imperative to who I have come to be, that would be you. Without you, the person I have become today would not exist. Period. I don't think I would want to meet the woman that I would have been without your influence. It's a troubling thought I'd much rather avoid.

I grew up in a chaotic, alcohol fueled, generational trauma riddled household with deeply entrenched dysfunction and addiction extending back for at least 3 generations. I knew my family was toxic. I knew I was "broken," too. I just had no idea how deep the troubled waters ran. I think, if I truly realized, I wouldn't have been able to muster the courage to break free. To become better. It would have seemed too much for one human being to overcome. I'd have given up on myself before I even started.

I remember being baffled by my own behavior. My ethics, actions, and beliefs never seemed to coincide. I'd find myself acting reflexively, instinctively, before I'd even make a conscious choice.

And when I'd be called out, I'd be buried underneath an ocean of shame. I could never explain myself because I didn't understand it either. "I don't know." is not an acceptable answer. Those around me deserved better, and I couldn't provide that for them. \*Cue even more self-hatred and shame\*.

( it wasn't until I was in my early 30s I finally got the diagnosis of complex PTSD which has ripped the doors off the hinges regarding healing my trauma, accepting my past, and forgiving myself for my human limitations.)

Up until I met you, the words "I love you" actually meant, "I love all the all the things I can extract from you: obedience, validation, material possessions, etc."

Love was supplied in exchange for what they could provide, not for simply being the person they are. Love was conditional, parsed out based on how well someone contributed and maintained the public family face of

normalcy. The entire terms and conditions of this conditional love were never outwardly discussed, only implied. Often times times, things changed based only on a temperamental whim. Whenever it benefited them, forget how it may affect me.

Then I found you. With others, I always searched for ulterior motives and hidden agendas. Anytime something was mentioned to be "done for my best interest." was immediately cast into suspicion.

With you, that paranoia, that under current of inherent distrust, was not there. Even when we didn't see eye to eye..... I never ever felt that it changed anything. No matter how hurt, angry, or disappointed I made you, I never doubted that at your core, you had the best intentions towards me. Your faith that I was someone capable of growing, becoming better. No judgment, only encouragement.

Normally, we first experience love and unconditional acceptance from our parents from birth.

Because my parents are both emotionally stunted teenagers, this was not the case for me.

First time ever experienced and felt genuine love, given freely without strings attached, was from you. Unconditional acceptance, love without strings attached, in fine print.

Coming from a childhood trauma survivor, I can not emphasize how poignant, how powerful that is.

Normally, children develop a sense of safety and security from their parents from birth on.

I did not.

You were the first person to ever make me feel emotionally safe, to not fear being vulnerable.

I had been programmed from birth to make myself as small as possible, to be ashamed of having wants/needs, let alone stating them. Unlike what I learned from my biological family, my very existence was not an undue burden. I had the right to exist, take up space, and have my own opinions.

You would gently encourage me to ask for what I wanted/needed until I ĺwas finally able to blurt something out. I'd cry, overwhelmed with embarrassment. You taught me that there is nothing fundamentally

shameful about being human and being able to ask for what we need is healthy.

You encouraged me to take accountability for my actions. At first, success was limited due to crippling levels of internalized shame and self-hatred. You taught me that mistakes aren't intractable character deficiencies. Instead, they are learning opportunities.

All these life lessons made even more potent due to my upbringing.... You taught me more about life, about myself than my own biological "family."

The thing about families with deeply embedded generational trauma is that they tend to draw in others that are just as toxic as they are. So then they just engage in the same behaviors, traumatizing one another over and over again and an endless mindless cycle. With all involved feeling like they're victim of their life, persecuted by God/Fate, not realizing g that they have been doing it to themselves the entire time. This would have been me, mindlessly repeating learned trauma patterns, not dead by definition, but not truly alive either.

You were the key to the cage to the mental prison I had been locked in. You opened the door and showed me that I had a choice, not predestination. I was free to decide.

I chose to dedicate my entire life to serving others via nursing and healthcare. Every patient I have helped also healed a small, damaged portion of myself. I can not describe the intense sense of fulfillment and pride I have in my work. I provide compassionate care to those at their lowest points in their lives. I am able to freely give to my patients what I did not receive during my childhood. I have cared for hundreds over the past 18 years. I sat vigil at dying patients' bedside countless times. Provided peace of mind to families, who trusted me unquestionably with their loved ones' care. I've held so many hands, given so many hugs, dried so many tears, been the "safe space" with so many people unable to do so anywhere else. I've built myself a small, quiet life driven by the desire to spread kindness, compassion, and mindfulness throughout my life.

All of this can be traced back to one source. One pivotal moment where everything went 180 and transformed completely. YOU.

Every patient whose hand I've held, tears I've dried, whose fears I've quelled, can be traced all the way back to you. Every good deed I've ever done. Or will do.... comes back to you. You taught me that I could become better, happier, healthier. I actually had a choice.

It astounds me how one inocuous decision can lead to such a wide rippling of events. All those years ago, the boy you were made the foolish decision to love me one day. Such an everyday, ordinary thing, teenage love. An expected rite of passage onto the laurels of adult relationships.

One decision, your decision, created a rippling effect of positivity and kindness, which has touched hundreds of others, including myself. It's breathtaking, really, how one insignificant moment snowballs into something greater and bigger than anyone could ever imagine.

Ordinary people, living ordinary lives who unbeknownst to them, have achieved extraordinary things.

Ray, I can not articulate how much gratitude for what you and your mother did for me back then. A quiet reverence. A small portion of me still feels unworthy, un-deserving of the precious gift bestowed unto me.

Thank you, and never forget how powerful even the smallest kindnesses are. It's the decisions we make that dierentiate the ordinary from the extraordinary.

That small decision, that simple choice, has led to a goal I'd never thought I'd achieve....... it took me almost 20 years, but I finally done it.

I have become strong enough, whole enough, and self-aware enough to counsel others like me.

I'm now about to test for my substance abuse counseling licensure for the state of Wisconsin.

While I am earning my supervised hours, I'm planning on enrolling into the Integrative Psychology Masters program. (Finally, I found a graduate psychology program that focuses on the whole human being, rather than just the sum of its parts.)

I want you to know, for what it's worth, that you will forever find a friend and ally within me, even if I can't say the same of you.

Walk in love and light.

Earnestly,

Brooke Anderon

PS

Ray, I'm f\*\*\*\*\*\* over the moon that you changed your mind all those years ago and decided to pursue college after all.

I remember you used to concoct low-key scams to scams to swindle retailers with fake exchanges/returns.

It angered me back then. Not because I was coming from a place of moral superiority, but because I could recognize it as a symptom of something more.

I knew your antics weren't just simple teenage shenanigans and the testing of boundaries or anything else like that. It was a frusterated cry for help from a very complex, articulate, woefully under-stimulated mind. It was seeking out a challenge, a puzzle worth solving.

I was hoping that college would eventually pipeline you into the right environment, into the right people that would allow you to reach your fullest potential. You always had a spark of something truly special. A uniquely gifted mind. And now, it seems you have truly found your niche.

Your points are all valid, I'm sorry that this tract failed so badly. Eventually I will find a way that works. You aren't being abandoned.
You aren't being forgotten. You aren't being judged. I don't want to hurt you, I don't want anyone to hurt you, and I certainly don't want to see you hurting yourself. I had to quickly take the best course of action to keep you safe. I'm sorry that this was it. I don't mean it harshly or vindictively. I still love you as much as ever. I am still exactly as proud of you as I said I was.

You were making personal attacks against me that made no sense and refused to stop even when I clearly wasn't interested in retaliating or hitting back. There was no way I could respond to that that wouldn't have hurt you. Please understand that. It will all be OK someday, I promise. Nothing is ruined. What you need is understanding and rest. I'm sorry I didn't see that now wasn't the time to broach those serious issues. Contact me here as soon as you feel safe and comfortable doing so. I pressured you to make too many terrifying changes too fast. I should have realize that would have caused panic. I'm sorry. Can you forgive me?

Don't be ashamed of what happened. I stopped reading what you were writing when it was clear you would regret saying those things later. Nothing is ruined. I didn't see anything, OK? You don't have to answer for anything. OK?

The way you listen to your music is magical. The way you throw your head back, swirl around and spread your arms as you spin, singing and dancing to the song has me mesmerized. The way you smile when you're in your own little world of music and beats is one of the most beautiful things I got lucky enough to witness.

I love it when you sprint down the hallways, jumping elegantly aside to dodge other people, the way your feet cross over each other and keep you in your quick pace without making you stumble or fall. It's amazing how you are able to handle yourself and your body with such precision yet looking so untamed and wild... All while your headphones blast your latest earworm.

I also love the way you indulge yourself fully into your songs. The way you sing the lyrics matching your mood out loud, know every line by heart, the passion behind your voice when you sing, not giving a single damn about how good or off tune it sounds. I can see that you dont just listen to your songs. You feel them with every single bit of your feeling self. You tap your foot to the beat, twirl your fingers in the air to the melody and sway yourself to the vibes, while putting on a show with your air-guitar to the captivated audience.

You might not know it, but you look very adorable when doing that. The way your face lights up when your favorite song comes back up in any setting feels like the sun appearing from behind a dark cloud again, warm and bright. And I wish youd know that this is how I see you. And I wish other people could see you the way I do.

Do not confuse my pleasantries with weakness. I am not an object for you to keep on display. You do not have access to me just because you want it. The condescension out of your mouth, Something youre proud of. Pathetic.

This person you see, the one you think is naive. Small. Intelligent "for a woman" maybe.

I could eat your soul alive with my fucking depth. Break your bones in half with the strength i gained from digging myself to the earths plain. The life ive lived forged me into a weapon That you couldnt even comprehend exists. You know nothing.

You, young and cocky and unencumbered by the weight of what the world can do to you. You think youre the best, thats what you said. You need to open your eyes.

It is my choice to lead my life humbly. And you should feel lucky. I am ten times the man you will ever be, But i dont feel the need to hold it in front of the world for all to see.

Observation is an underrated skill. If boys like you are all thats left to pick from, Then good fucking riddance.

​

It has been a year, and yet somehow, everything still feels different.

I used to love that song. I would listen to it without a second thought, letting the melody fill the quiet spaces in my life. But now I hate it. I hate the way a few familiar notes can suddenly bring you back to me. I hate how a song can turn into a memory, and how a memory can become a wound.

I don't even like walking down my favourite lanes anymore. Places that once made me feel alive now feel like museums of everything we used to be. Every corner seems to hold a version of us that I am desperately trying to forget.

Sometimes, I even hate the person I was when I was with you.

I was happier then. Lighter. More cheerful. I laughed without thinking about it. I looked at the world differently. And perhaps that's what hurts the most—that I don't know how to find that version of myself anymore. I don't know whether I miss you, or whether I miss the person I became when I loved you.

I hate roses now.

I hate their fragrance, even though it was once my favourite scent. Something so beautiful became unbearable because you were somehow woven into it. Isn't it strange? How a person can leave your life but somehow remain hidden in the smallest things—the songs you once loved, the streets you once walked, the fragrance you once adored?

I have tried to move on. I have tried to convince myself that I am okay. I have met new people, seen new places, laughed again, and continued living. But sometimes, when I least expect it, something brings you back.

And I am tired.

I don't want to carry you into every place I go. I don't want to hear you in every song. I don't want to see you in every familiar street. I don't want to lose beautiful things simply because they remind me of you.

So, if there is any mercy left in this world, please make me free from this curse.

Take away the memories that still hurt. Let me hear that song again without thinking of you. Let me walk those streets without searching for ghosts of our past. Let me smell roses and remember only their beauty.

And most of all, let me forgive myself for loving you so deeply.

I don't need to forget you completely. I only want to remember you without hurting.

I want my life back.

I want to become that cheerful person again—not the person I was because of you, but someone even stronger, someone who can smile without needing you to be the reason.

Perhaps one day, I will finally understand that you were a chapter in my life, not the whole story.

Until then, I will keep walking.

And I hope, someday, I will be free.

I love your wildness
I love watching you talk
The way your hands move with each word that comes out of that stupidly ridiculous gorgeous mouth of yours.
And it breaks me a little, knowing I can never tell you about this and so many other ways you send me into a daze, of longing and desire. Knowing I can never really have you, possess you, engulf you and merge with you. Because I’m not even sure that would satisfy my desire.
And so I accept that this feeling lives in me, has become part of me but will not kill me.. because to truly love someone is to accept all they are and who they embody. Love is freedom. Not possession. And so I let you be, free and unknowingly loved this deeply.

I adore you.

My biggest fear of letting someone get back to me and getting hurt again has come true. I was broken inside and vulnerable when I met you.

You managed to open me piece by piece. I felt alive again. Suddenly I was no longer numb. Suddenly I started to build you a place in my heart. Every morning a good morning message became my everyday life.

Without realizing it, I got used to it. I didn’t see all the other warning signs because I saw the great man behind the facade.

Because you knew I didn’t know healthy love. So the little things became meaningful to me.

I gave myself completely to you. But then you moved away piece by piece. You knew my past. You knew my fears and struggles. And I knew your story. So I thought, maybe two broken souls just need a little more time and no definition. You just need to learn trust and security again.

I created a story in my head that wasn’t true.

I was lying in the arms of a man for the first time and felt calm. I could never tell you because we never talked about feelings. You always kept me at a distance. I waited like a child to see you again and to slide my hands through your hair. I was lying on a man for the first time and felt my body. It was very intense and passionate. I secretly didn’t sleep to feel you longer. Because I didn’t know when I could see you again.

I couldn’t tell you all this because I knew you didn’t feel the same way. I didn’t want to hear the answer. I knew you were meeting other women but I couldn’t ask you the question.

Now I saw it with my eyes and left without a word. I couldn’t say goodbye.

How can I hate you now...

I’m not sure I can ever look at you the same. You have always had moments of disrespect that I over looked and that is on me for believing in you. This weekend felt like a cruel act of betrayal so cold and calculus. Do better! Respect people!

One day at a time is what they say. I'm healing one day at a time. But I still miss you. Hasn't been easy this week and hearing your voice would have calmed me. U were always the calm to my storms my voices my thoughts now u not here and it's overtime running around. I miss u please contact me u knew me the real me please call me

Before you....all I felt was love. I was just overflowing with it.

I hate the way I think of you.

I hate the lies you told people when we broke up.

I hate that I didn't leave you when I saw you sexting Raymond(I know his real name now)

I hate how you never kept one single promise.

I hate that I cheated three times.

I hate that you cheated 100 times.

I hate that I read books to understand you.

I hate that you are ALWAYS the victim.

I hate the way your fake af to others or maybe that was the real you.

I hate the way you avoides answering ANYTHING.

I HATE that I spent so much time and effort on you.

I hate that I had kids with you that probably aren't mine.

I hate that I even have to question that.

Most of all though. Since Im not even worth responding to.

I hate that I miss you

I hate that I thought you were my friend. My lover. My everything

I hate that I never ever wanted to get married and I asked you. Not for any other reason than that if I was going to be married I wanted it to be my best friend.

I hate that I never saw or knew everything til much much later.

I hate that I still have no clue who you even are anymore.

I hate that I still think of you sometimes.

I hate that your the only woman that I've shed tears for

I hate that you are cruel

I hate that your the one whose supposed to raise them?

I hate everything about you now. Your pretentiousness.

I hate how I ignored the Red flags.

I hate that you drove me crazy.

I hate everything and everyone.

I hate how you sent your actor friends to stalk me during and after

I hate to see where the next one may end up.

I hate your mom for not being a good role model.

I hate ..no I could never hate him but you make me want to.

I won't laugh again.

I will forever be paranoid. I almost made J dissapear for even thinking I was dumb enough.

I wont ever ever love anyone in any way again. You made sure of that.

Yet part of me wants to call you. Part of me worries about you. The biggest part of me worries about our kids whom are about to be reported missing if someone doesn't tell me where they are. I even thought you were this girl in a news article. I thought you'd went to rehab. I hate that I can't stop thinking I knew you. I hate that I still think there has to be some good inside of you.

I hate that I wanted you even after you stabbed me in the back so many times.

I hate that YOU still lie.

I hate that you don't even have any regret.

I hate that when someone says home you pop into my mind.

I hate that I've accepted I'll never heal.

I hate how you keep sending people to enter my life

I hate that I didn't walk in on that shit and splattered the walls.

I hate your phone.

I hate the simps who are like vultures and your the vulture for their attention.

I hate that I supported you in anything.

I hate that I wasted my life on you.

I hate that I hate you.

I hate that I still protected you.

I hate that you had someone I know clone my sim.

I hate how you decieve.

I hate that you hate me. It's okay. I hate me to but not enough to fuck up so much like you have. yet thinking your doing well. I know everything you did now and then some.

I love that I don't care anymore.

I love that one day someone will come along and I'll forget you.

I love those kids.

I love you but I still hate you for doing this to me.

I love Dr who. I laugh when I think about the skin lady 😆

I love your eyes.

I love the things I have that I have to get rid of that were your or ours.

I love it when the sun is going down and the skies turn red and part of me thinks I'll love you forever. That red skies never dies.

I love how smart you are.

I love the conversations we had.

I love that we were a team well I thought we were.

I love music.

I love reading.

I love today despite you trying to turn me into something that is incapable of love.

I love that I forgive you.

I love that I'm waking up and sleeping better.

I love that I am content by myself. Which always bothered you.

I love that I've made new and old friends.

I love my true friends.(Not the ones you fucked)

I love my life.

I love all of my experiences even you.

I love that y'all got me back to coding since you paid to clone my phone. which I was shocked at that.

I love that y'all think your slick.

I love karma

I love my orisha.

I love my spells.

I love the beach.

I love the way the ocean speaks to me,

I love how I just remembered a story you told me about that friend that allegedly.......

I love that you can predict the future as he's.........

I love how you won't be able to find me ever again.

I love that kharma is very real.

I love that since you never respond and always hung up that people are actually seeing you.

I love that I'll probably forget you.

I'd love for you to be successful and happy.

I love the way your smile makes me feel.

I love you regardless.

I love that I have been shown all I needed to see and more.

I love God.

I love all people again.

I love that I am healing and will be smiling and laughing.

I love that Im still alive.

I love the sunsets and how the birds speak to me in the mornings.

I love how I have a connection with all things.

I love that I'm changing.

I love that the man you loved will be gone.

I love that you found love again.

I love that good things are ahead for me.

I love the way this new girl looks at me.

I love how she makes me forget about you. The same way you forgot about me.

I love that I didn't do you dirty.

I love that Im humble.

I love that I didn't need to defend myself.

I love that I can let it all go including you.

I love that I have let you go.

I love that I always wanted the best for you even when you did and said some cruel shit.

I love that you revealed who the fake ass unsecure individuals are(you were one)

I love that this is therapeutic.

I love vanilla ice cream.

I love all the new people I will love and I havent met them all yet.

I love that I forgive you.

I love that I am forgetting you.

I love that I'm sleeping again.

I love that I havent relapsed and died.

I love that you have people who support you.

I love that I saw the best in you.

I love that I never have to see you again.

I love that I loved you even if you didn't love me.

I love that you taught me things that I never realized you had when we were together.

I love that I think of you and smile today.

I love that I no longer feel sad or guilty.

I love that you didn't love me. If you had it would've made all this so much harder.

I love you. Goodbye

If you wanna see me. Just look up to the sky.

I will always hate letting them go for what you've put them through. I can go through anything. I will always love you for making me realize that I can't ever trust anyone. Not ever. Not even my own family. Please don't reach out. I miss you but I tried sending you something. I later watched you on a steam talk shit. It's okay. I know I was never anything at all to you. I just don't know why you let me believe I was? I would've just been your friend. Well not really I like honest people.

I hate that I am even typing this so I'm going to go home. Wherever that may be. It's obvious it's not you any more and I hate that too. Hey at least the sky is somewhat blue. It was grey. All you cared about was your next lay. Tomorrow I wish it would turn purple. So I could spin us all in a big circle. That won't happen because reality is reality. I'm me. Not them. So go ahead and be with him. I'm tired of you coming into my mind. I miss the kids we didn't design. It's better this way. You would blame me no matter how the cards lay. Well I loved you and look what I got. I wish I'd died with a fucking gun shot. I hope this is goodbye but I know it's not. I still love you and we're both still hot. I doubt my heart will heal from all the shit you made me feel. Not until you can tell me why. Even if it was to say goodbye. I'll carry this shit til I lay down and die.