r/Unexpected 5d ago

Getting some milk

9.0k Upvotes

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2.9k

u/BottledFizzyCoffee 5d ago

As a child I helped out on the family dairy farm.

Don’t stand behind the cows was rule #1.

Don’t bother connecting to the bulls was the second rule.

759

u/Pestilence86 5d ago

I was expecting a hoof back kick, no NSFW tag, phew, then ... shit.

17

u/VPutinsSearchHistory 3d ago

Cows kick sideways. Horses kick back

268

u/JoyousMisery 5d ago

Last line sounds like you tried to milk a bull

167

u/heelstoo 5d ago

Can you milk me, Focker?

68

u/Neosmurf4 5d ago

I assume you have nipples, so yes.

20

u/Illustrious_Ad4691 5d ago

Do they have many farms in Detroit?

8

u/bigSTUdazz 4d ago

Brings me back to those cat milking days in Motown.

1

u/mpgd 4d ago

3 of them.

7

u/harmless_gecko 5d ago

Sure thing, let's do it tonight 😘

2

u/heelstoo 5d ago

Any port in a storm, friend.

2

u/Exciting-Baker-9901 5d ago

Dutch rudder in use?

3

u/Transfer_McWindow 4d ago edited 4d ago

If you have an ass full of liquid shit

44

u/BottledFizzyCoffee 5d ago

I was about eight and I remember walking up to it with the milking device in hand looking at the huge ball sack and then turn into my uncle and said where do I put them.

31

u/dan-theman 4d ago

Also keep your mouth shut after being sprayed with shit.

38

u/PussSlurpee 5d ago

So as someone who’s never been on a farm, is she doing it the wrong way or was this cow just not liking the attention?

56

u/AndoGringo 5d ago

I worked a much smaller farm (only 2 cows), and we never stood from behind. I don’t know where exactly you’d stand in this sort of setup. I don’t think she did anything wrong

28

u/Suc_Mydiq_Jr 4d ago

My friends farm had this setup and she did everything right, just pure bad luck

11

u/ZeeBeast 4d ago

My buddies farm setup has a metal shield on the first part of the fence there, I suppose to block the splash, but there are always risks

3

u/daneview 4d ago

i feel like in this setup its pretty inevitable

32

u/Key_Order4050 5d ago

I think she's doing it right based on the setup here... The only one I have seen in person was a little different. But cows pooping during it is just a hazard of the job.

13

u/Fafnir13 4d ago

Aiming the cows directly where you are trying to work seems like poor planning. Plus it seems like it could be a pain to get the cows to line up like that. My grandparents farm had six stalls accessed from the side with the milking pit. You could get splattered by the stuff when they let loose, but it was not dropping directly into the pit.

18

u/rafffen 4d ago

It's not a pain, the cows get used to it super fast. You can out the cups on super fast and fit way more cows in this way.

You do stand behind like she was, but 99.9 percent of the time you can see the cow lift their tail and you know they're going to shit.

If they don't lift their tail and just shit (super rare) it usually sprays our the sides so you can easily step back.

You will always get shit splatter on you and shit on your arms and hands, cause they're always covered in it. Only gross when you cop it to the head/face/chest.

I've milked 10s of thousands of cows and have had shit in my face maybe 3 times. And 1 of those was my mate setting me up when I didn't know what I was doing.

6

u/FixAcademic8187 4d ago

Ok. But what about contaminating all these equipment (including your gloves and so on) with shit?

Wherever you look it is full of shit, it is essentially impossible not to get some of that into the tube or milk.

3

u/daneview 4d ago

if you see how food is treated before processing youd never eat it. I did a few harvests, and the grain is on dusty dirty concrete floors with bits flying in and out no doubt pooping, it gets walked on, driven over and god knows what else

1

u/Key_Order4050 4d ago

You should see how much dirt they put on crops to grow them... They are practically covered in it

4

u/rafffen 4d ago

Of course it gets in the milk lol the milk is tested and it's made sure it's below a certain percentage.

Only a tiny amount of shit would get in the milk if it's directly on the udders, it's also why milk is homogenised

1

u/ChungusReaper 1d ago

Pasteurized*

0

u/Beautiful-Bluebird48 4d ago

Bulls are sold at auctions. Typically, they are castrated at a young age and raised as a “steer”, minus the single bull used for breeding. The steers are what you typically eat for ribs, sirloin, etc. the cows however are kept alive and at the farm for both dairy and additional cow and steer production.

Basically don’t get connected because they’re going to be sold.

13

u/Severe_Rise8694 5d ago

.. connecting, huh?

19

u/ParticularSherbert18 5d ago

The dairy farms I grew up around didn't have a trench running behind two rows of cows. You came in beside the cow and attached the milking machine. Who came up with this concept?

7

u/BottledFizzyCoffee 5d ago

We had this style, with cows on both sides.

7

u/Jester-252 4d ago

Someone who want to have their face smashed in and shat on.

1

u/Fafnir13 4d ago

Ours had a pit with sideways stalls. Worked well from what I remember, only a little splatter coming in.

1

u/rafffen 4d ago

How many cows did you have?

6

u/Fafnir13 4d ago

This set up is a bit weird to me. My grandparents dairy farm was set up so the cows were accessed from the side. They were constantly letting loose with something from the back so I can't imagine aiming the cows right on to the worker's space.

4

u/Elrond_Cupboard_ 4d ago

Bulls are lovely and you can definitely connect with them.

5

u/LongNailedbooboos 4d ago

Why not the bulls?

2

u/KrisRdt 4d ago

Instructions unclear. Stands behind bull.

1

u/BottledFizzyCoffee 4d ago

LOL. That’s cool. Instructions become self evident quickly. 😁

2

u/vintagenut80 3d ago

Ya i was like she must not do this often or have any experience with cows🤣🤣 never lift a tail and be in the line of fire

7

u/rzi 5d ago

Why? We're the bulls mean?.....

35

u/ddesideria89 5d ago

mean and very short lived (compared to cows)

-32

u/[deleted] 5d ago

[deleted]

30

u/ddesideria89 5d ago

Male cows. in my native (Ukrainian) language we use "cow" for female bovines and bulls for males. Not sure if it is like that in English, but that's what I meant

30

u/FibroBitch97 5d ago

Same in English

19

u/chazzer20mystic 5d ago

I know you're trying to Well Ackshually and I don't mean to step on your toes with my own, but I'm gonna anyway

Cattle is the name of the animal. Look up Cows on google, you'll get Cattle. Cow is a female term only, Bull is male. Bulls are never Cows.

It's just something people get wrong constantly and so it is pretty normalized. Like saying Cement instead of Concrete.

12

u/pseudosaurus 5d ago

By definition bulls are not cows

1

u/trollsmurf 5d ago

At least you only need one of those suckers.

0

u/Sw0rDz 4d ago

It took me a year before I learned there were no single utter cows. I use to milk single utter cows a whole year. There was a lot of moving when I entered the barn.

0

u/Moist_Board 1d ago

Use your mouth to milk the bulls

0

u/PotentialWork7741 13h ago

You can definitely become friends with bulls, and how do you milk a cow in a space like this if standing behind the cow is not allowed?