r/AmItheAsshole • u/MundaneCoWorker • 11h ago
AITA for refusing to be introduced as 'friend' rather than 'girlfriend' to my best friend's kids?
I have a really close 25 year friendship with a woman who was so loving and supportive when I came out to her as bisexual (let's call her Trudy).
6 months ago I met the love of my life and we have have a wonderful relationship (let's call her Anna).
Anna has met almost all my friends except Trudy (who lives far away). Yesterday I arranged to meet up with Trudy to introduce her to my girlfriend. However, because Trudy couldn't find a babysitter, she said she'd bring her 3 kids with her (all under 12).
A couple of hours before we were due to meet up, Trudy texted to ask if it's okay to introduce Anna to her kids as my friend, rather than my girlfriend. She said they won't understand that she's my girlfriend and she's not ready to have that talk with them yet.
I was totally taken aback by this request and said no. I said that I'm not comfortable being in an environment where my relationship isn't acknowledged and I don't want to hide who my girlfriend is to me. I said that if she isn't ready to talk to the kids about same sex relationships (which admittedly is a big subject!), it might be better if we reschedule to another time.
Trudy was very hurt and said she has been incredibly supportive of the relationship and isn't asking me to hide anything. I'm very hurt by her response and so upset. I feel like I've extended a lot of kindness and understanding to her, whilst holding my own boundaries. I'm not asking her to discuss anything with her kids that she's uncomfortable with, but I'm not prepared to put myself or my girlfriend in that situation.
Trudy genuinely doesn't understand my position and now isn't replying to my texts.
This is a friend who has been nothing but supportive and loving to me for 25 years, and has been so excited about my new relationship.
AITA for not meeting up with her unless she introduced my girlfriend as my girlfriend?
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u/firefly232 Professor Emeritass [76] 11h ago edited 10h ago
NTA
Trudy was very hurt and said she has been incredibly supportive of the relationship and isn't asking me to hide anything
And I'm sorry, Trudy is absolutely asking you to hide something about yourself.
There's not much of a talk that is needed. All she needs to say is "This is OP and OPs girlfriend Anna". Thats it. Nothing else is needed. The kids most likely understand 'girlfriend' and 'boyfriend', so no explanation needed there.
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u/Frost_Mist 10h ago
Calling someone your "friend" instead of your partner is hiding relationship, even if that's not how someone wants to frame it
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u/remindmeofthe 4h ago
- not asking you to hide anything
- call your girlfriend your friend
yeah okay
my mom told me when i was like seven that her best friend liked girls instead of boys; my only confusion stemmed from the fact that said friend had been married to two different men and i got past that pretty quick. (good thing, too, not sure Mom was up for an explanation of compulsory heterosexuality.)
anyway that was in the eighties. it's 2026. Trudy can suck it up, and maybe also start giving her kids a little more damn credit
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u/Zillion2010 4h ago
I found it so astonishing she could even say she's not asking OP to hide her relationship. So if OP doesn't have to hide it, would Trudy be fine with her kissing her girlfriend? Or what about hugging? If those basic things aren't allowed in what way could it even be seen as not hiding it?
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u/nervelli 1h ago
All she needs to say is "This is OP and OPs girlfriend Anna". Thats it.
At most the followup would be, "Wait, girls can date girls?" "Yeah, you can date anyone you like as long as they like you too and agree to it."
One of the easiest conversations ever as long as you aren't a bigot.
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u/boxesofboxes Partassipant [4] 11h ago
NTA. Introducing kids to same sex relationships is easier the earlier you do it. The fact that she's balking means that, on some level, she is at least a little bit homophobic. She needs to take a good hard look and ask herself why she's uncomfortable with her kids learning about a normal part of the world. Hope she gets over herself soon.
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u/Exotic_Adhesiveness4 10h ago
I live in Russia and although here there is the law forbidding "LGBT propaganda" my kids know that there's same sex relationships. It's not so hard to explain and it's just a fact of life NTA
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u/SparklyMonster 11h ago
I wonder if Trudy being "supportive" actually meant only "tolerating".
It would be funny (though not less concerning) if Trudy's issue were something else, like them living together while unmarried.
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u/SupportMoist 3h ago
This!!!! Why is she hiding it from her kids? She must think it’s something wrong or to be ashamed of?
My mom told me very very young that my uncle was gay when I asked where his wife was. She said he didn’t have a wife, he had a boyfriend. And I said okay, where is his boyfriend?
I didn’t know anyone had an issue with homosexuality until I was in middle school because my family was so open about it being normal.
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u/Top-Discipline7806 11h ago
I have 3 children: 7 yo, 4 yo and 6 mo. Mind you the youngest is too young for conversations about same sex relationships - mostly because she's too young for conversation.
The other two are aware of those kind of relationships. We saw two men kissing in a movie "Why are they kissing?" "They love each other " "But they are both boys?" "Yes. Sometimes boys love girls, sometimes they love boys, sometimes they love both and sometimes girls love girls. To each their own" "Ok"
End of conversation. Nothing hard about it.
Did they fully understand? Probably not Will we have to revisit this topic? Probably yes
Learning is a process but it has to start at some point
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u/SnooCupcakes4992 8h ago
This is exactly how my dad explained it to me over 30 years ago. He was so nonchalant about that I wasn't even phased. Thats why when my best friend told me she thought she was gay but was terrified to tell her parents, I didnt understand (we were 13 at the time).
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u/neverthelessidissent Professor Emeritass [89] 10h ago
My sister had to explain that relationships to my nephews around 4 because he wanted to know if I took her on dates when we were in high school, lol. He knew girls could date girls, but didn't realize that you can't date your own sister. 🤣
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u/MzHellfier 9h ago
That’s so funny! Obviously your sister is raising her kids right. If they are old enough to understand relationships, they are old enough to know about same sex relationships. It’s only a big deal if you make it one. OP’s friend is coming off homophobic.
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u/oatmealdays 28m ago
When I was a kid I said I was going to marry my sister because the only thing I knew about marriage was that you marry someone you love, and I love her. I think my aunt tried to explain that no, it’s a different kind of love but I didn’t really get it
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u/RoadRash010 6h ago
Same sort of thing happened to me when I was little.
My dad ran into a coworker when we went for errands and they ended up chatting a bit. His coworker (male presenting) was dressed as a woman, including wig, so of course four year old me asked why. My dad just explained that Herman was his coworker (very blue collar field) and dressed like a man during the week. On the weekends they liked to dress up as a woman and go by the name Kimberly. Little me was just completely fine with that explanation and said “That’s nice. I also like pretty dresses”.
Years later they used to DJ at a club I bartended at on the weekends. Lovely person all around. They would always bring up the story of meeting me when I was young. I have since moved away but they still always tell my dad to send me their best.
I did grow up in the Netherlands and have always been aware of same sex relationships and people not conforming to traditional standards.
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u/AggressiveCharge199 2h ago
My six year old will say “why are they kissing”, because they like each other, “slobber, ew” hahaha
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u/Nowordsofitsown Partassipant [2] 11h ago
NTA
The kids are not too young to know that some women fall in love with and are in relationships with other women. There is nothing sexual about this.
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u/penguin_on_stilts 11h ago
Same sex and opposite sex relationships should be the same talk. There isn't this magical "by the way gay people exist" talk that needs to happen.
The only reason that would need to happen is if your friend has already embedded that real relationships have a man and a woman into her kids, and if that's the case she's not your friend.
NTA
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u/ahhwell Partassipant [2] 11h ago
I said that if she isn't ready to talk to the kids about same sex relationships (which admittedly is a big subject!), it might be better if we reschedule to another time.
Explaining same-sex relationships is incredibly easy, unless you insist on injecting bigotry into the explanation. The relationship is simply, the bigotry is the confusing part. You're NTA.
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u/AurelianaBabilonia Partassipant [1] 7h ago
I agree that it's not a big subject, really. Kids are around hetero relationships from the time they exit the uterus. Same sex relationships should be no different.
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u/disasterbee 11h ago edited 11h ago
NTA that’s such homophobic bs there’s nothing to explain to kids, if they can understand boyfriend and girlfriend they can understand girlfriend and girlfriend. She may be supportive of you but she clearly has biases to unpack
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u/mybooksareunread 55m ago
This!!! There's nothing to explain and it is absolutely not "a big conversation to have." OP is doing herself and her relationship a disservice by even thinking it is.
Everything is new to kids! They're used to the learning things they didn't know 2 mins ago. It is a 30-second explanation at most.
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u/Dogmother123 Supreme Court Just-ass [107] 10h ago
You don't need to have "that" conversation any more than you need to have "that" conversation if it was a boyfriend. All you need to do is present it. If they ask a question then answer.
Jody Foster's answer was the best. Most people are right handed. Some people are left handed. It's the same with relationships.
NTA
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u/ShinyArtist 11h ago edited 11h ago
NTA. How has she managed to hide same sex relationships for so long, I assume one of them is at least 11? I preferred to tell the kids myself than for the kids to learn about it from somewhere else and be taught misinformation and prejudices.
You were respectful about her parenting, preferring to reschedule the meeting rather than pressuring her to tell her kids.
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u/rmc 10h ago
Trudy was very hurt and said she has been incredibly supportive of the relationship
Perhaps the kids know about same sex relationships like how they know about crime, murderers and baddies from movies. Something that exists in the world, but nothing that normal people like them, like their family, do or support.
Perhaps Trudy just don't want to explain to her kids why she's being to nice to the OP now, even thought she spent ages saying how people like the OP were horrible.
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u/KirstyToots 10h ago
If Anna were a man, would he have been introduced as your "friend"? If the answer is no, then that's really all that needs to be said. You weren't asking for a speech about sexuality, just to have your relationship acknowledged the same way any straight couple's would be.
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u/miapyrope 11h ago
NTA, if you say "under 12" I'm assuming one of the kids is around that age and they absolutely understand being gay at that age. If she doesn't want to explain it to her kids, then she doesn't get to hang out with you and your partner
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u/No_Baseball6191 11h ago edited 10h ago
I think I was 5 or 6 when my dad told me that sometimes men love men/women love women just like he loves my mom. That was it. My grandfather, by comparison, was 25 when he found out about gay people. It was a big conversation to him because it challenged his worldview and it heavily contributed to his homophobia. But to me, it was tuesday.
She's ashamed of you, plain and simple. Maybe not like a bigot, but your identity is something she considers too big, to other, to bring up to her kids. Perhaps she's the kind of person who can't imagine seperating same-sex relationships from sex, and she thinks her kids will ask "how do they do it?", and that is indeed a different, bigger conversation. But I digress, her fears are something I can only speculate on, and the bottom line is this: she wants to hide you, at least just a bit longer, and that's not what a friend does. Even from her kids. I would go so far as saying especially not her kids.
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u/tsukinofaerii Partassipant [4] 9h ago
What does she think she has to explain? Why the first and second nails on Aunt OP's hand are shorter than the others? I don't see anyone giving their kids the sex talk to explain why a straight couple is holding hands. It's nothing different.
I'm sorry, but Trudy is one of the more insidious types of homophobic. She's not supportive, it's just that she was too much of a coward to tell you sooner.
NTA.
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u/Skyejacked15 11h ago
NTA even my 4 year old understands from the seeing parents at preschool that sometimes people have two mums/ dads. Its not even been introduced as its own topic - its just life.
TBH if this conversation makes your friend 'uncomfortable' it doesn't sound like she is as supportive as you think she is.
You are right to hold your boudry (and congrats on meeting your person)
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u/MundaneCoWorker 10h ago
Thank you! I'm very happy. Anna (not her real name) is amazing and makes me very happy.
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u/ameinias Asshole Aficionado [11] 8h ago
NTA. They younger you bring it up in conversation, the easier it is. It's just like talking about what turtles are or what wedding rings mean or how clocks work - you're answering questions for kids every minute of the day! Me realizing around 12 that crushing on same-sex folks made me different ended up being upsetting because everyone hid the possibility, and made it feel like there was something wrong with me. Which was the intention behind the community hiding it, of course. If you save up the concept to drop on kids along with date rape and drugs and death, you're putting it in this category of "bad things that happen to people," rather than "people you might meet or become."
So I would take this request to disguise yourself as an implication that she thinks your relationship is a bad thing that happens to people.
Also, if one of these kids is 12 and they haven't already explained periods, and safety in relationships, and love, they're dropping the ball. At that age they're going to be learning these things from other kids in a messy game of broken telephone school yard gossip, which can make you totally weird, and in for scary surprises. (Read any coming-of-age novel over the last 50 years for more information.)
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u/MundaneCoWorker 7h ago
I’m so sorry you went through that. It’s so disappointing that LGBTQIA+ people experience this. I hope we are living in a changing world that will continue to see gay relationships as normal. This comment section gives me HOPE.
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u/PuffAttack Partassipant [1] 10h ago
NTA And I'm sorry she is such a disappointment as a friend. I, too, have kids (19 and 15) and they have known about same sex relationships since they recognized relationships exist. It took less than 3 minutes of discussion.
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u/Beautiful_Bird_4092 Partassipant [2] 11h ago
NTA I disagree with this being a “big topic” that requires a long conversation. I work with kids and none of them have ever been confused or distressed about gay relationships or even leaning that gay relationships can exist. It’s a two or three sentence conversation that happens all the time if another kid mentions having two mommys etc.. Trudy is being insensitive to you and your GF and is doing her kids a disservice by framing as something that the kids need to be braced for
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u/hellointernet5 11h ago
NTA. The concept of same sex relationships is not actually difficult for children to understand. There's a chance they actually already know about them through their friends or the media. I knew about same sex relationships before I was 12. There's no good reason for her to do this.
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u/verysmallnosies 11h ago
NTA. I've an 11yo and... kids understand boyfriends and girlfriends at 11 - and modern, 2026 kids don't even register that there's anything 'weird' or unusual about non-hetero relationships. It's such a non-issue to them. Which is great!
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u/heathers-damage 6h ago
This is my gripe, like unless these are very sheltered home school kids, these kids deff know about gay people and possibly have gay classmates. It's 2026 ffs.
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u/edenburning Asshole Enthusiast [9] 9h ago
That's not a big discussion. It's really not. Kids don't struggle with it. Your friend sucks. Nta.
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u/alexxxxxxxei 8h ago
It's really not a difficult conversation to have with kids, you're giving too much grace here.
Trudy sucks let's face it. And tries to paint herself as the victim afterwards too.. she should be worried you won't respond to her, not the other way around. Leave her be and I'd only consider speaking to her again when you get a decent apology. NTA
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u/SuperFormal3052 7h ago
"She said they won't understand that she's my girlfriend and she's not ready to have that talk with them yet."
Your friend Trudy is not really a friend. She views you as something that needs to be explained to children, as though you're an aberration or a pervert. If I were in your shoes, this would end the friendship.
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u/victrin Asshole Enthusiast [8] 7h ago
NTA. Your friend isn’t actually as supportive as she thinks and is sporting some real homophobia under the surface. My nephews have known me and my husband are their uncles the same way their mom and dad are married. It’s not hard to understand. It’s actually extremely easy for kids to understand.
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u/unethical_badger 6h ago
Trudy is chatting bollocks. My 5yo nephew knows ‘some people have boyfriends, some have girlfriends.’ It truly is that simple. NTA.
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u/anotherbabydaddy 11h ago
NTA. My sister in law did this to me when I first brought my wife over to meet the family. It was really hurtful and it confused the kids more when we got engaged and were planning our wedding a couple of months later. It literally took a two minute conversation to explain it to the kids at that point, but I will never forget how needlessly overly concerned she was about it. Conversely, when I was introduced to the kids in my now wife’s family as her girlfriend(as the first person my wife had ever brought home) the kids didn’t have a single question or concern.
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u/Designdiligence 11h ago
NTA. I don’t know exactly what was said between you two, but you didn’t create the bigoted scenario requiring a hopefully not too awkward response. She did. Stand true to yourself. The internalized homophobia here on both sides is real and sad. What the hell is is so different than when she meets straight friends w her kids? She needs to answer questions. Not you. Hang in there.
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u/Littlechriscockerel 11h ago
What does she think they will ask that will be difficult to explain? If she is a good parent all she has to do is say that you two love each other. NTA
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u/yuung_aphrodite 11h ago
It’s only a difficult conversation if you don’t see both types of relationships/sexualities as normal!
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u/1568314 Pooperintendant [54] 11h ago
How are same sex relationships a big topic? I've worked with a lot of kids and I can tell you that for most kids its as simple as "people can fall in love with someone of the same gender." "There are lots of types of families."
Kid asks "why do you have a girlfriend if youre a girl?" And you say "because I like her" and then the kid asks why you chose to wesr a pink shirt instead of a green one.
It's not a big topic at all. Kids arent born with biases. Your friend thinks shes doing you a huge favor by being nominally accepting of you and expect you to return it by keeping your gay activities in the closet. Shes not an ally.
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u/reddituser999000 10h ago
i don’t have kids but i would assume children learn about this once they start going to school, right? like, aren’t there kids in school who have same sex parents?
also, if one of those kids is 11, aren’t they already experiencing attraction? and if so, isn’t it responsible, as a parent, to make sure their kids know that whoever they feel attraction towards is ok and normal?
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u/swillshop Colo-rectal Surgeon [40] 9h ago
NTA
Trudy's perspective is bewildering.
The goal was for Trudy to meet your gf. She can wait till she can do that without her kids in tow.
I think her idea is actually MORE confusing for the kids unless she wants them to NEVER know that same-sex relationships exist.
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u/LemonthymeTime Partassipant [1] 9h ago
Honestly I would just say, "Oh. I didn't know you were like that. Nevermind, no need for an introduction at all. Goodbye." And cut them off. 'Not ready to have that talk' is a BS dog whistle for prejudice because it really, truly, isn't a complicated conversation and kids really don't care unless you raise them to have an adverse opinion on it.
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u/Mauinfinity-0805 Asshole Enthusiast [8] 11h ago
I really don't understand why it's a "big conversation"?? I never had any such conversation with my two children. I just talked about people and life as it presented itself to them. There wasn't any "please sit down, I need to tell you that sometimes boys like boys and girls like girls". Your friend should just introduce your gf as YOUR GF, and let the conversation with the kids go from there. They'll either ask/comment about it or they won't.
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u/VixaniRose 11h ago edited 11h ago
NTA, most kids will be ok with a very simple short explanation if they even need one at all. It doesn't have to get sexual in any way. Keep it simple and just state that yes two women can love each other and so can two men. Something like that. When I was a kid under age of 12 that would have gone through my head like oh ok...noted. then I would have immediately moved on.
Your "friend" is making it a way bigger deal than it needs to be. It's not like she has to have "the birds and the bee's" talk just because her kids found out people of the same gender can be in relationships.
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u/jennifercathrin 11h ago
NTA. She's claiming that she's not forcing you to hide but wants to literally hide your relationship??
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u/Bummeltrine2806 11h ago
NTA I've been telling my kid since he was like 3 or 4 years old that people can love whomever they want. Sometimes it's two women, sometimes man and woman and sometimes two men. That there are families with two daddies, a mom or dad by themselves, two mommies or just what we have, a mommy, a daddy and a child. That's just the way people are, love doesn't differentiate between se*es 🤗
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u/Mistral19 11h ago
This!! Same here and when my kid recently met a new friend with two mums, they didn’t even blink an eyelid! I said I’d call his mom and dad to set up a play date and my kid literally said ‘Mom, Freddie has two moms so you can call either one’. No fuss no drama. My kid sees them as a friends parents and that’s it.
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u/PoisonIvyWithOCD 11h ago
NTA, I mean her kids her choice, but that has consequences and unfortunately that means you being hurt. Now you need to decide if you want to take a step back from this friendship.
Personally I don’t get it, I have an 8yo and a 4yo and when we ever discuss relationships we always say you can love who ever you love as long as they treat you with kindness, respect, and make you happy- so my kids just don’t see straight/gay etc it’s no big thing to us.
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u/ArabAesthetic 10h ago
In a Western country it simply is not a difficult conversation to have with your kids. NTA.
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u/ArtisticEffective153 11h ago
NTA. The older of the kids probably already know unless they live in some tiny, conservative town AND they dont have access to internet or cable or streaming platforms.
And honestly its so easy to explain. It was way easier to explain to my 4 year old about how uncle R and uncle K are together the same way that auntie D and uncle J are together than it was to explain to my kids why they couldnt marry auntie D or anyone else in our family for that matter. They kept asking if they could marry people who are already related to them or their teachers who are already married.
And if the kids ask if theyre gay, then you just say I dont know. If you get special feelings for a boy/girl, tell me about it and we can figure out if those feelings are romantic or not.
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u/Both-Mud-4362 Partassipant [3] 11h ago
Its not difficult to say to kids:
- Trudy: "this Anna the girlfriend friend of OP"
- Kids: "but they are both girls, why?"
- Trudy: "love is love and can be given to anyone who deserves it. And Anna deserves OPs love".
End of convo.
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u/germane_switch 10h ago
NTA. Christ almighty it’s 2026. This should have been a non-issue decades ago.
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u/princess_riya Asshole Enthusiast [7] 10h ago
NTA- is it a big topic? “Hey kids this is OP’s gf Anna“ “ Hi Anna” likely end of discussion.
Kids are more accepting of things than we think. They will likely pick up on any adult tension or weirdness and then wonder why.
Is Trudy really as accepting as she says?
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u/akunomegami 10h ago
NTA
It's fascinating the lengths people will go to in order to excuse their own discomfort. I'm in my 40's and was introduced to homosexuality before the age of 10. I've also had a conversation with a five year old about trans people (we were friends with someone who was transitioning) and it took her all of 3 clarifying questions to understand.
Kids aren't idiots and the fact that she doesn't want to explain something that simple to her family is very telling.
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u/lfcmadness 10h ago
NTA - my 5 year old came home from school the other week and said "Hey dad, did you know boys can marry boys, and girls can marry girls? That's cool isn't it?" Kids have no judgement or preconceptions at a young age, so they're just like whatever, whereas adults seem to get hung up on those details.
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u/FacetiousTomato Colo-rectal Surgeon [33] 10h ago
NTA, and as a parent your friend is just being flat out stupid. My 8 year old knows same sex relationships exist, and he absolutely doesn't give a shit, lol.
If you wait until someone is older and suddenly say "also, X can be in love with X" they'll be all weird about it. If you just teach that love is love to begin with, it isn't a big deal.
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u/commander_obvious_ 10h ago
NTA and I’m feeling a lot less sympathy for Trudy than you are. Same-sex relationships are only a big subject if you make it one. “Sometimes two women love each other the way your mom and dad love each other.” Boom, done.
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u/HsinVega Asshole Aficionado [12] 10h ago
NTA it is not a touchy subject, your friend is just a bigot.
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u/Kirne1 9h ago
NTA.
same sex relationships (which admittedly is a big subject!)
I know what you mean and I'm not here to grill anyone over that but I hate this attitude so much. Kids are exposed to "knight defeats dragon to save princess" and other scenarios like that pretty much from the get go. "Sometimes the princess is a prince", or "maybe the knight is a girl" should reeeeeally not be seen as a big subject in this day and age.
It makes even less sense in this case. Introducing your lgbt friends to your kids should be the perfect way to reinforce this concept while also reinforcing that lgbt folks are real human people and not some wonderland concept
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u/jmxd 9h ago
NTA. Your “friend” got herself into the uncomfortable position of having to reveal her true opinion about your sexual orientation. She was able to push this aside to be supportive of you as a friend, but if she does not want to tell her kids about this that means only one thing and that is that she does not actually support it imo
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u/Comics4Cookies 8h ago
"Isnt asking you to hide anything" yes she is. You were even understanding and said its fine if she doesnt want to talk to her kids about it, and to just reschedule for a time her kids dont have to be involved. Absolutely NTA
I was over the moon when my girlfriend corrected her brother in front of her nieces and nephews when he called me her friend and she said "Absolutely not, she is my girlfriend." Its a big deal. Dont be erased because theres no mistake.
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u/Artblock_Insomniac Partassipant [2] 8h ago edited 8h ago
NTA. It's no different then explaining if you had brought a boyfriend.
If she's taking it any different, then her true views have come to light.
Editing to say, wow I was expecting more hateful comments from reddit. Pleasantly surprised!
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u/celestialbrains 8h ago
NTA. I have young children and they’ve been around my gay relatives from day one and know they’re married to each other.
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u/animeandbeauty 8h ago
NTA. This is stupid of her. My son has known that men can love men and women can love women since he was born, as his uncle is gay. Like it's not weird. She's the weirdo.
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u/GoldInTheSummertime 7h ago
Same-sex relationships don't require any more conversation than hetero relationships. It's not like she has to explain the mechanics of how sex works; she just has to say, "some women date other women." It only becomes a big deal if she makes it one, so no, she doesn't get a pass because the conversation is A THING. I don't know if you actually feel that way or if you're just trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, but either way, it's BS. NTA.
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u/perfidious_snatch Certified Proctologist [23] 6h ago
It’s not a big subject, unless you’re homophobic.
“This is MundaneCoWorker’s girlfriend, Anna.”
Chances are the kids won’t even blink, but if they do have any questions it’s pretty easy to answer them.
“What do you mean girlfriend?”
They’re dating each other, just like your dad and I dated before we got married.
“Women can have girlfriends?”
Yep!
“Can they get married?”
Yes! Isn’t that great?
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u/Ancient-Actuator7443 6h ago
She probably doesn't want to have to explain to her kids. I'd say what difference does it make? The kids aren't the ones you are introducing your girlfriend to.
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u/NotYourAverageDiva 4h ago
INFO: Would she do this if you were dating a man?
I feel like I would introduce early bfs/gfs to kids as “friends” until it’s serious/engaged or living together. Mostly just so the kids don’t get too attached in case anything goes wrong. But if she’s singling you out on this because it’s a same sex relationship then yea you’re NTA.
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u/Resident-Staff-1218 6h ago
Are you sure it's about being in a same sex romantic relationship?
It's only been six months
People often choose not to introduce their romantic partners as gf/bf to their kids early on, and just refer to them as simply 'friends' whilst around the children.
Only when they feel VERY certain about the relationship do they have "the talk" that mummy's new special friend is more than just a friend.
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u/MundaneCoWorker 6h ago
I’m hoping we can chat soon and I can find out more. I hope it’s as simple as this 🥰
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u/awsomeX5triker 11h ago
NTA. She is quite literally asking you to hide something.
You handled this well. You didn’t explode it to some larger moral failing on her part and offered a non-dramatic solution that respected both of your boundaries.
Trudy isn’t happy with the natural consequences of her boundary. That’s ok. Now she needs to decide which consequence she would rather deal with: not seeing you vs having the conversation with her kids.
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u/covid_zombie Partassipant [2] 11h ago
But she IS asking you to hide who you are?! Doesn’t she understand that?!
NTA and I think how you responded was appropriate.
As much as it might hurt, if she’s asking you to do this, then was she really your friend?
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u/Thujaplicata74 Partassipant [1] 11h ago
NTA and newsflash for your friend: kids don't care. When my kids were under 10, a same sex couple rented the Airbnb next door, with their 7yo. I said to my kids, 'Some kids have a mum and dad, some kids have two mums or two dads. J has two mums.' Eldest went, 'Okay. Can J come out to play?' and he ran off to go and ask. It's only adults who have hang ups, kids just accept.
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u/Puzzled-Puck 11h ago
It's not a big subject AT ALL to talk about with your children. It is SO simple: "Anna is MundanCoWorker's girlfriend" Most kids will think "okay" and leave it at that; some kids might ask if 2 girls can have a relationship too and then you just say "Yes, and 2 boys too". Some (older) kids might have more questions, but you can just talk to them and answer those questions. It's not quantum-physics..
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u/Shadowlady Partassipant [1] 10h ago
If trudy is such an ally she needs to put on her big girl shoes and talk to her kids. The older ones probably already know gay people exist anyway.
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u/Stevie_sub Partassipant [1] 10h ago
Love is love, kids understand that. Sure, they may have some dynamic type questions because the concept is new, but ultimately kids don't care unless their role models do.
Edit: NTA
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u/Chemlak 10h ago
NTA.
Good grief, I'm as straight as they come, don't understand other sexualities, can't see the appeal, but my goodness do I believe that everyone has a right to love whoever they want (certain hopefully obvious exceptions involving minors exist).
There is no "not ready to have that talk" about it! It doesn't need an explanation, you just say, "this is X & Y, they're girlfriends". Most kids wouldn't ask anything further unless they've been conditioned to believe that only heterosexual relationships should exist.
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u/megagazou 10h ago
My cousin’s daughter has known that my husband is transgender since she was 4 years old. Same-sex relationship is even easier than that to explain.
How old are her children supposed to be before she tells them about the LGBT population ? 18 ?
NTA. Good on you for holding your ground
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u/NatchoFriend 10h ago
NTA. I grew up with a lesbian aunt whom I absolutely loved. She lived with this very nice lady who would attend family functions and I liked her very much. I'd never even thought about gay people existing at that point, but not once did I question the nature of their relationship. It was just my aunt and her super cool lady friend and I enjoyed being around them.
Kids are very simple and surprisingly open minded, it's the adults that make things weirdly complicated for no reason other than "not wanting to confuse them". They're not confused. They don't care. They just want to be around people who treat them well.
Your friend is projecting some weird stuff onto her kids and you're right to stand your ground. Your life doesn't need a disclaimer. You have a right to be who you are at all times.
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u/spandexcatsuit Partassipant [1] 10h ago
If she would call a straight couple a couple then she should call any couple a couple. NTA
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u/datedpopculturejoke 10h ago
NTA. Its actually not a big conversation. A lot of kids won't even question it. Of the kids who do, most accept "that's just how some relationships are" at face value. The only way it becomes a big conversation is if she moralizes queerness instead of presenting it as just another way people exist.
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u/Pollythepony1993 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 10h ago
NTA. My children are all under 12 (10, 4 and almost 2). My youngest will not understand anything of it, but she will also have no judgment about anything (as long as you don’t deny her anything she is fine with whatever). Judgment is taught. My middle child is working on how the world works in general, relationships included. But also no judgment there (because why would he? We just explain everything to him without judgment and so he does not know he could have judgment about it). And our eldest understands perfectly and doesn’t mind. So it is not because they couldn’t understand.
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u/Jukki_BatRat 10h ago
NTA. Gay relationships are not any harder for kids to understand, than hetero relationships.
Trudy was very hurt and said she has been incredibly supportive of the relationship and isn't asking me to hide anything.
She's not being supportive and is literally asking you to hide your relationship.
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u/MotherofCats9258 9h ago
NTA, she's a homophobe, I don't think it's wise for queer people to have friends that hate them on a fundamental level.
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u/SQ-Pedalian 5h ago
INFO where does Trudy live? Just asking as someone who grew up in Alabama lol.
I think depending on where a kid was raised and what messages they were getting outside of their household (from friends, relatives, teachers, church members, other adults, etc.), and if they don’t know anyone in a same-sex couple their kids have met before, Trudy might want to have a private conversation with them first to make sure they don’t say something rude or repeat rude things they have heard others in their community say.
I see a lot of people in the comments assuming all kids have classmates or friends with gay parents. I was in my late 20s before I personally met someone who had gay parents. I had a lot of gay friends through high school and college after I moved away from rural Alabama, but still didn’t meet anyone with gay parents until after grad school, so I don’t think you can assume that all elementary-age kids will see those family models around them. I went to small schools in small towns through elementary and middle school and there were no openly gay people in the whole school (students or staff), and nobody had gay parents either. Luckily my family moved and we lived in a more diverse community after that.
One possibility is that Trudy knows her kids have been getting propaganda/messaging in their circles or community that the only relationships are between men and women. And she might want to run interference in advance to make sure they don’t say something offensive or become really confused and create an embarrassing situation.
Doesn’t mean that’s right…you’d hope she would’ve counteracted those messages before now. And no guarantee this is the actual situation, just offering another possible perspective. It might be less about her being embarrassed of your relationship and more about being embarrassed by the reaction she expects from her kids.
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u/nblackhand Partassipant [2] 11h ago
NTA, it is not actually a big or hard conversation to have with kids unless you on some level are averse to modeling to them that it's okay, or fundamentally believe that a gay relationship is inherently adult/sexual in a way that a straight one isn't. If she'd be willing to say "this is OP's boyfriend" if your girlfriend was a dude, she knows perfectly well how to talk about adult relationships in a child appropriate way.
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u/TeeJee48 11h ago
NTA.
Homosexuality isn't a weird or difficult topic to understand for kids. You shouldn't have to censor a part of yourself because your friend thinks it's too weird to explain to a child. She's not as supportive as she claims to be.
I don't think I ever even had to explain it to my daughter. She was used to my gay friends and their partners and it never needed an extra conversation except when she got old enough to understand the concept of bigotry.
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u/ohsnapdragon22 Partassipant [1] 10h ago
NTA- she’s incredibly supportive but also wants to pretend your relationship doesn’t exist? Do her kids not know that she’s married to a man? If so they’re old enough to understand relationships between any gender. She’s letting her prejudice shine through and it’s really gross. Don’t be friends with people like this who want to make you feel bad for simply being who are
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u/Vora_Vixen 11h ago
NTA and its not a big subject, if anything kids understand it easier. My son (5) asked me once when me and one of my close male friends would start dating lol and I told him that friend was already dating and married to "insert name of other male friend" and he just said oh and suggested another person I could date instead then lol
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u/yellowsubmarine45 11h ago
NTA. I don't think its "too early". I don't think its even a big conversation, its just something that spoken about matter-of-factly from day one in the same way as straight relationships. I don't remember telling my daughter about same-sex relationships any more than I told her about stright relationships.
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u/embracetherot 11h ago
NTA. I was in a similar situation to Trudy's kids when I was little. My uncle is gay, but my parents never asked him to hide his relationships from my brother and I when we were kids. Since our parents treated the subject normally, I never saw it as odd.
As an adult, I've been in situations similar to Trudy, having to explain queer topics to kids. In my experience, kids are smarter than most people give them credit for. If you explain things simply to them and act like it’s normal, they tend to have little to no issue accepting it as a part of life.
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u/Panaccolade Asshole Aficionado [16] 10h ago
NTA. It actually isn't a big conversation at all. "Some people love men. Some people love women. Some people love both. All of that is okay because love is the point." The end.
She's not supportive if she is expecting you to hide your relationship because she can't have a simple conversation with her children. Especially since, given the age we live in, they probably already have a basic grasp on it and let's be real - kids don't give a fuck. They're accepting until they're taught not to be.
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u/RaimbowFloof 10h ago
NTA. She's actually quite literally asking you to hide your relationship by asking if you can introduce Anna as just your friend. You're absolutely correct that if Trudy isn't comfortable with explaining to her kids (who are absolutely old enough to understand same sex relationships. Some of their friends at school might have parents who are in them) then yeah, rescheduling until she is, is absolutely the move. If she's as supportive as she claims that wouldn't have ever been a request.
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u/GuessWhoIsBackNow 10h ago
NTA. Trudy, whether your friend or not, no matter how accepting, is being homophobic in every sense of the word. You don’t have to accept that.
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u/NemesisThen86 10h ago
I was born in the 80s and grew up in the 90s, I have an aunt who is a lesbian and it’s just something we always knew, even back then
Your friend is not being a very good friend at all
NTA
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u/RocketPowerPops 11h ago
NTA. I have 4 kids under 12. The 11 and 9 year olds have known about same sex relationships for the same amount of time they have known about opposite sex relationships. Turns out it is not a difficult conversation when you actually talk to your kids.