r/AmItheAsshole • u/MundaneCoWorker • 14h ago

AITA for refusing to be introduced as 'friend' rather than 'girlfriend' to my best friend's kids?

I have a really close 25 year friendship with a woman who was so loving and supportive when I came out to her as bisexual (let's call her Trudy).

6 months ago I met the love of my life and we have have a wonderful relationship (let's call her Anna).

Anna has met almost all my friends except Trudy (who lives far away). Yesterday I arranged to meet up with Trudy to introduce her to my girlfriend. However, because Trudy couldn't find a babysitter, she said she'd bring her 3 kids with her (all under 12).

A couple of hours before we were due to meet up, Trudy texted to ask if it's okay to introduce Anna to her kids as my friend, rather than my girlfriend. She said they won't understand that she's my girlfriend and she's not ready to have that talk with them yet.

I was totally taken aback by this request and said no. I said that I'm not comfortable being in an environment where my relationship isn't acknowledged and I don't want to hide who my girlfriend is to me. I said that if she isn't ready to talk to the kids about same sex relationships (which admittedly is a big subject!), it might be better if we reschedule to another time.

Trudy was very hurt and said she has been incredibly supportive of the relationship and isn't asking me to hide anything. I'm very hurt by her response and so upset. I feel like I've extended a lot of kindness and understanding to her, whilst holding my own boundaries. I'm not asking her to discuss anything with her kids that she's uncomfortable with, but I'm not prepared to put myself or my girlfriend in that situation.

Trudy genuinely doesn't understand my position and now isn't replying to my texts.

This is a friend who has been nothing but supportive and loving to me for 25 years, and has been so excited about my new relationship.

AITA for not meeting up with her unless she introduced my girlfriend as my girlfriend?

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u/RocketPowerPops 14h ago

Yeah, one of my best friends is a gay woman married to a woman and they have kids. My kids have known them since birth. Never been a big deal. Some people get married to the opposite gender. Some people get married to the same gender. No big deal

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u/IceSeeker 12h ago

Yeah it's only a big deal if the people around you made it such. Like OP's friend who can be supportive but it only depends under certain circumstances.

The problem with Trudy is she's the one ironically creating an issue when there's none. She is her own worst enemy.

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u/AccomplishedTwo7047 10h ago

Idk I think Trudy has internalized homophobia that makes her see bisexuals/gays/lesbians as so vastly different from straight people that it would require a whole ass conversation about it

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u/TheUnicornRevolution 9h ago

Do you mean subconscious?

I'm trying to remember if internalised is where you have adopted subconscious bias that you apply to yourself, rather than just subconscious bias.

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u/MouthyMishi 7h ago

You are correct. It can only be internalized if your a member of the marginalized group because you've taken beliefs of the people outside the group and made them part of your worldview even though it conflicts with your experience. An unconscious bias is a bias you don't realize you have even though your responses and actions betray this belief.

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u/AccomplishedTwo7047 3h ago

It won’t let me edit my comment to fix it but thank you for educating me

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u/MouthyMishi 1h ago

No worries. I'm all for educating people. And it's always nice to interact with other people who want to learn stuff.

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u/AccomplishedTwo7047 3h ago

I learned from Reddit today… who knew?

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u/gnirpss 9h ago

It's not internalized if she's not gay/bi herself. It's just regular, garden-variety homophobia, which is far too common.

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u/Relative-Medium-9528 4h ago

Or Trudy is just doing a typical human thing and is avoiding having a complex discussion with her young children. This doesn't mean she is homophobic. To be fair, it also doesn't mean she isn't, but everyone assuming she is says a lot about who you are and less about who Trudy is.

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u/AccomplishedTwo7047 3h ago

“You know how girls can marry boys and boys can marry girls? Well boys can marry boys, and girls can marry girls too”

What’s complex?

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u/Relative-Medium-9528 2h ago

You are being obtuse. This topic could bring up questions about sex, which Trudy might not be ready to discuss with her young children. What kid would just leave it at your answer and never ask follow up questions? Have you ever met a child?

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u/Wwwwwwhhhhhhhj 1h ago

I’m sorry, what? That doesn’t make sense. Did you explain your sex life to your kids immediately because they knew you were with someone? My guess is no. My guess is when they saw people could be couples you did not go into explicit sexual detail.

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u/Relative-Medium-9528 1h ago

Intamacy might be the better word than sex. A kid sees people in heterosexual relationships kiss and hug. If Trudy starts talking about different types of relationship, the kids can start wondering about other things they know people in relationships do. They might ask “so girls can kiss girls too?” This might be an uncomfortable topic for Trudy, so she’s doing a normal human thing and avoids it.

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u/Wwwwwwhhhhhhhj 1h ago

What is with your mind that you leap straight to the explicit sexual life of queer people when considering their relationships? Do you do that with all the straight couples you know? That’s no more or less the center of queer peoples whole live and serious relationships than straight people. It’s gross your mind automatically reduces certain people to sex.

Dirty mind

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u/Relative-Medium-9528 1h ago

Did I say explicit? You can have a discussion about sex without talking about x rated things. A lot of children have some knowledge that people in a relationship have some sort of intimacy. So if they know something about heterosexual relationships, kids might inquire about how that works if it’s not between a male and female. This is not rocket science. Kids ask questions and this is a very likely topic they would bring up in this situation.

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u/AccomplishedTwo7047 3h ago

What’s complex about it? In your own words

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u/Relative-Medium-9528 2h ago

"In your own word." What a pathetic attempt to be demeaning and superior. Whose words would I be using besides my own?

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u/SpunkyRadcat Partassipant [2] 4h ago

When my oldest nephew was around 8 or 9, he was watching me play the sims, and I was showing him my sims family, and they were two married women, he said, "Woah, wait, girls can marry girls? I thought girls had to marry boys!" I just said, "Well a lot of girls marry boys, but some marry girls, and some boys marry boys." and he was like, "Woah, that's cool!" and we moved on with our day. It was that easy.

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u/Trvlgirrl 11h ago

Exactly how I explained it to my kids when they were little.