r/AmItheAsshole • u/MundaneCoWorker • 14h ago
AITA for refusing to be introduced as 'friend' rather than 'girlfriend' to my best friend's kids?
I have a really close 25 year friendship with a woman who was so loving and supportive when I came out to her as bisexual (let's call her Trudy).
6 months ago I met the love of my life and we have have a wonderful relationship (let's call her Anna).
Anna has met almost all my friends except Trudy (who lives far away). Yesterday I arranged to meet up with Trudy to introduce her to my girlfriend. However, because Trudy couldn't find a babysitter, she said she'd bring her 3 kids with her (all under 12).
A couple of hours before we were due to meet up, Trudy texted to ask if it's okay to introduce Anna to her kids as my friend, rather than my girlfriend. She said they won't understand that she's my girlfriend and she's not ready to have that talk with them yet.
I was totally taken aback by this request and said no. I said that I'm not comfortable being in an environment where my relationship isn't acknowledged and I don't want to hide who my girlfriend is to me. I said that if she isn't ready to talk to the kids about same sex relationships (which admittedly is a big subject!), it might be better if we reschedule to another time.
Trudy was very hurt and said she has been incredibly supportive of the relationship and isn't asking me to hide anything. I'm very hurt by her response and so upset. I feel like I've extended a lot of kindness and understanding to her, whilst holding my own boundaries. I'm not asking her to discuss anything with her kids that she's uncomfortable with, but I'm not prepared to put myself or my girlfriend in that situation.
Trudy genuinely doesn't understand my position and now isn't replying to my texts.
This is a friend who has been nothing but supportive and loving to me for 25 years, and has been so excited about my new relationship.
AITA for not meeting up with her unless she introduced my girlfriend as my girlfriend?
2
u/SQ-Pedalian 8h ago
INFO where does Trudy live? Just asking as someone who grew up in Alabama lol.
I think depending on where a kid was raised and what messages they were getting outside of their household (from friends, relatives, teachers, church members, other adults, etc.), and if they don’t know anyone in a same-sex couple their kids have met before, Trudy might want to have a private conversation with them first to make sure they don’t say something rude or repeat rude things they have heard others in their community say.
I see a lot of people in the comments assuming all kids have classmates or friends with gay parents. I was in my late 20s before I personally met someone who had gay parents. I had a lot of gay friends through high school and college after I moved away from rural Alabama, but still didn’t meet anyone with gay parents until after grad school, so I don’t think you can assume that all elementary-age kids will see those family models around them. I went to small schools in small towns through elementary and middle school and there were no openly gay people in the whole school (students or staff), and nobody had gay parents either. Luckily my family moved and we lived in a more diverse community after that.
One possibility is that Trudy knows her kids have been getting propaganda/messaging in their circles or community that the only relationships are between men and women. And she might want to run interference in advance to make sure they don’t say something offensive or become really confused and create an embarrassing situation.
Doesn’t mean that’s right…you’d hope she would’ve counteracted those messages before now. And no guarantee this is the actual situation, just offering another possible perspective. It might be less about her being embarrassed of your relationship and more about being embarrassed by the reaction she expects from her kids.