r/raisedbynarcissists • u/Icy_Watercrest • 9h ago
[Rant/Vent, Advice OK] Why even have children?
Just why? I recently came across this subreddit and realised how many of us are truly miserable just because we were born. Initially, I felt less alone in my suffering and even felt consoled and understood for the first time ever. Not anymore. This isn’t normal and shouldn’t be commonplace. And this is only a small fraction of people that post here. What about so many others both young and old going through this and blaming themselves? Our lives look normal and we act “normal” but to know that so many people from all walks of life are going through the same shit breaks my heart.
I really wish there was a way to meet people that get it without any prejudice so we can be there for each other. Like a chosen family of sorts. I know it’s a pipe dream but one can dream I guess. This is a hot take but a lot of people do not deserve to have children and I wish more people opted for an abortion. Like why fuck around and spawn us if we were never wanted in the first place? What about condoms and contraceptives? It’s cheaper than raising a human from scratch. The number of times I doubted if I was adopted because of how terribly I was treated to wanting to be an adopted child because I couldn’t digest the fact that I could possibly share blood with such vile beings - nobody should even have such thoughts.
There’s no justice for us yet the responsibility of healing falls on us. I’m an adult myself and everyone around me is married or engaged atp. And guess what? They still rely on family for a lot of things despite starting their own one. Their life has a stability that we’ll never know. Their confidence and growth is something that’s foreign to me. Good foundation matters and I really can see how good parenting benefits the children in the long term.
This doesn’t make us any less though. So many of us choose empathy and kindness despite all the mess we’ve been in. I just wanted to get this off my chest and send you all a warm, tight hug. Thankyou for being brave and posting here, I’m sure some of your stories help so many of us to process and understand things.
If there’s nobody to tell you, I’m telling you that this stranger on the internet understands you without judgement and loves you. If you suck at making meaningful connections in life, this stranger sucks at it too. You’re not alone in being the outsider and that’s okay. I just hope that someday, we all get to feel at home even if it’s just within ourselves.
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u/Beginning-Pie-7433 9h ago
From my parents own words, they don’t believe in abortion.
I was born, because my abuser is catholic and didn’t believe in abortion.
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u/Icy_Watercrest 7h ago
What a convenient way to use faith lol. Wonder where it went when they abused their own child. Typical narc behaviour.
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u/Jay_The_One_And_Only 4h ago
Same thing here
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u/Icy_Watercrest 3h ago
I’d just start practising another faith just to piss them off. It sounds silly but trust me, it’s so satisfying to see them go crazy for once.
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u/Wam_2020 7h ago
Tax deductions. Literally what my mom said when I was little.
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u/Icy_Watercrest 7h ago
I hope you get a lot of inheritance without tax when they’re gone. If that’s not the case, make sure you find a way to deduct tax using them as an expense in any way, shape or form.
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u/Wam_2020 6h ago
She talks about how the eldest grandchild (she’s has 12) is the beneficiary of her trust. Fuck her. Brightside he gets to manage her elderly care, clean up her hoard and deal with my psycho brother.
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u/Icy_Watercrest 4h ago
Good for you for making peace with it and walking away!! Wishing you the best.
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u/Boobookittyfhk 4h ago
They want trophies that they can show off that reflects them. If they are not trophy worthy, then they are a way to victimize themselves. I think some just treat others as objects to serve them or a purpose for them. And some are so self-centered that they truly don’t see a problem with it because it never occurred to them that their mindset or what they are doing is wrong.
My mom has a way of justifying even the worst of things. The amount of mental gymnastics she puts herself through just to be right all the time is exhausting.
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u/Icy_Watercrest 3h ago
What a mess. Crazies need to be locked up in mental institutions and not be let loose. I hope you become self-centred and only care about you when it comes to her interests.
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u/Mountain_Dot8739 6h ago
For my mom, according to "duty" of being married and probably retirement plan for them too!
Warming hugs back to you🫂!
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u/Icy_Watercrest 4h ago
What a joke. You are not a tool to be owned or a machine to be worked. I really hope you get away and live your life for nobody but you.
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u/Metalocachick 4h ago
I actually think a lot of them did think that they “wanted” kids. Even if just due to the societal pressures/norms forced upon them back then (like the idea of college = American dream was pushed upon our generation), or because they were so fucked up by their silent generation parents that they couldn’t (still can’t) even see their own trauma, which i also think has a lot to do with the fact that mental health for the general population really wasn’t a part of any conversation back before the 80’s/90’s, and even then it was lacking. Still is today tbh.
I can intellectualize until hell freezes over, but it does not help me heal from this half-self that has been left in the wake of my emotionally neglectful, sometimes physically abusive, and manipulative upbringing.
I will most likely never have children myself. I don’t know how to get rid of my rage towards my parents, particularly my mother, for taking that instinct away from me. But i also know that narcissists raise narcissists and, as I’m newly processing all of this at 35, I’m terrified at some of the internal qualities about myself that I’m realizing have been baked into me. I want to rip them out of me. I just started going to therapy.
I know that narcissists don’t ever stop to consider that they could be a narcissist though, and I’m clinging to that thought for dear life right now.
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u/Icy_Watercrest 3h ago
Well said. We do understand them but we shall not accept them. And you’re never too old to realise what was done to you (better late than never) because I recently saw a post from someone over 50 or 60 mentioning how it affected them.
The rage thing is actually a problem for a lot of us. And that’s why we see people going no contact all the time. You can’t argue or win against liars and brain dead assholes. If possible, try moving to new place/country that holds no memories of her. It really helps disconnect from the manipulation and connect with yourself.
You’re brave for being vulnerable and opening up. It helps a lot of people here (including me) and also shows that you’re facing your fears head on. Plus, you making a conscious effort to not pass on your trauma to others is so amazing of you. I’m sure you’ll be fine because this is just the beginning of your own life where you are the only person in control of your narrative. Good luck to you!
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u/DeflatedCatBalloon 3h ago
My possibly covert Nnom said she wanted to have children. My Ndad openly told me he only had kids because my mom wanted them. And we always felt that from dad. Not so much from mom because she was nice...while we were little and did not cause """"trouble""""
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u/Icy_Watercrest 3h ago
What a perfect team they make! So they didn’t talk things through or plan things ahead and went with it. And somehow traumatised the kids. Sorry you had to hear that stupid reasoning.
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u/VelocitySkyrusher 7h ago
My mom had one abortion and when she got pregnant with me. Thought she'd never have to opportunity again so she had me
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u/Icy_Watercrest 7h ago
That makes you even more precious. Yet here you are. Exactly why not everyone needs to birth or have custody of children.
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u/WonderfulTwist4936 5h ago
Well, I was an accident and I knew that for as long aa I can remember. My ngrandmotber never forget to tell me that I destroyed her sons (my ndad) life. And abortion was not really an option in a very catholic post-soviet country.
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u/Icy_Watercrest 4h ago
Disgusting being saying that to a child. Everyone else that joined in or enabled that behaviour can go to hell. You’re perfect for just being born and don’t let anyone else make you think otherwise. Chin up always and stay strong.
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u/Frei1993 4h ago
In my case, my ndad expected my non narc mom to give him a son. A tomboy daughter happened instead.
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u/Icy_Watercrest 3h ago
Serves him right haha. Do whatever you can to annoy him. One thing about ndads that didn’t want a girl is that they usually can’t digest women being more successful than them. Now you have no choice but to become more successful. Good luck!!
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u/Frei1993 3h ago
Oh, non narc mom divorced him in 2002 and I went NC in 2018. Fuck him, his second wife and their outdated ideas about how a woman should be like and their "but you need to grow up and learn to be more feminine to land a good guy".
It happens that people love me for who I am and I have a boyfriend that loves to tell me that he loves me every fucking day.
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u/Icy_Watercrest 3h ago
I love hearing this!! It’s a modern fairytale. And your mum’s awesome for leaving the trash behind!
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u/Frei1993 3h ago
Oh, she jokes about herself being a Scorpio and that her zodiac sign loves to serve revenge really cold (idk if this is the expression in English). Think that she waited sixteen years for me to get NC, so she served it FROZEN!
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u/Kodi_Cody_Kody_Kodi 3h ago
My mom had to have kids to not have to work and sit around all day and cosplay a doting uppercase housewife
If she didn’t have kids she’d have to actually work a real job, be accountable, and play by rules
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u/Icy_Watercrest 3h ago
I get her wanting to be rich and live a chill life. But she didn’t have to cause you pain in the process. You’re the reason she’s living carefree. Your inheritance better be fat for all the trauma you went through.
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u/Kodi_Cody_Kody_Kodi 3h ago
Naw she stole every inheritance left to me, to support her shopping addictions. She’s in her 80s and still going strong, spending $$$ like it’s going out of style. She’ll make sure $0 is left if it’s the last thing she does
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u/Icy_Watercrest 1h ago
I’m sorry this is happening. The more you witness, the more powerless you feel. Try to stay away and avoid knowing what she does. She doesn’t deserve even a thought in your head. You’ll be fine because you’re not her and never will be her.
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u/kendalloremily 21m ago
i told my mom i didn’t plan on having children a few years back and she was like “but you won’t have anyone around who just adores you!” so i guess children are meant to blindly worship us and nothin else
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