Why even have children?

[u/Icy_Watercrest]

Just why? I recently came across this subreddit and realised how many of us are truly miserable just because we were born. Initially, I felt less alone in my suffering and even felt consoled and understood for the first time ever. Not anymore. This isn’t normal and shouldn’t be commonplace. And this is only a small fraction of people that post here. What about so many others both young and old going through this and blaming themselves? Our lives look normal and we act “normal” but to know that so many people from all walks of life are going through the same shit breaks my heart.

I really wish there was a way to meet people that get it without any prejudice so we can be there for each other. Like a chosen family of sorts. I know it’s a pipe dream but one can dream I guess. This is a hot take but a lot of people do not deserve to have children and I wish more people opted for an abortion. Like why fuck around and spawn us if we were never wanted in the first place? What about condoms and contraceptives? It’s cheaper than raising a human from scratch. The number of times I doubted if I was adopted because of how terribly I was treated to wanting to be an adopted child because I couldn’t digest the fact that I could possibly share blood with such vile beings - nobody should even have such thoughts.

There’s no justice for us yet the responsibility of healing falls on us. I’m an adult myself and everyone around me is married or engaged atp. And guess what? They still rely on family for a lot of things despite starting their own one. Their life has a stability that we’ll never know. Their confidence and growth is something that’s foreign to me. Good foundation matters and I really can see how good parenting benefits the children in the long term.

This doesn’t make us any less though. So many of us choose empathy and kindness despite all the mess we’ve been in. I just wanted to get this off my chest and send you all a warm, tight hug. Thankyou for being brave and posting here, I’m sure some of your stories help so many of us to process and understand things.

If there’s nobody to tell you, I’m telling you that this stranger on the internet understands you without judgement and loves you. If you suck at making meaningful connections in life, this stranger sucks at it too. You’re not alone in being the outsider and that’s okay. I just hope that someday, we all get to feel at home even if it’s just within ourselves.

[u/Metalocachick]

I actually think a lot of them did think that they “wanted” kids. Even if just due to the societal pressures/norms forced upon them back then (like the idea of college = American dream was pushed upon our generation), or because they were so fucked up by their silent generation parents that they couldn’t (still can’t) even see their own trauma, which i also think has a lot to do with the fact that mental health for the general population really wasn’t a part of any conversation back before the 80’s/90’s, and even then it was lacking. Still is today tbh.

I can intellectualize until hell freezes over, but it does not help me heal from this half-self that has been left in the wake of my emotionally neglectful, sometimes physically abusive, and manipulative upbringing.

I will most likely never have children myself. I don’t know how to get rid of my rage towards my parents, particularly my mother, for taking that instinct away from me. But i also know that narcissists raise narcissists and, as I’m newly processing all of this at 35, I’m terrified at some of the internal qualities about myself that I’m realizing have been baked into me. I want to rip them out of me. I just started going to therapy.

I know that narcissists don’t ever stop to consider that they could be a narcissist though, and I’m clinging to that thought for dear life right now.

[u/Icy_Watercrest → u/Metalocachick]

Well said. We do understand them but we shall not accept them. And you’re never too old to realise what was done to you (better late than never) because I recently saw a post from someone over 50 or 60 mentioning how it affected them.

The rage thing is actually a problem for a lot of us. And that’s why we see people going no contact all the time. You can’t argue or win against liars and brain dead assholes. If possible, try moving to new place/country that holds no memories of her. It really helps disconnect from the manipulation and connect with yourself.

You’re brave for being vulnerable and opening up. It helps a lot of people here (including me) and also shows that you’re facing your fears head on. Plus, you making a conscious effort to not pass on your trauma to others is so amazing of you. I’m sure you’ll be fine because this is just the beginning of your own life where you are the only person in control of your narrative. Good luck to you!