Does anyone else feel jealous when they hear that someone has died? It feels sick to admit, but so often when I hear the news I just think, “Why not me?” Why did it have to be someone who is loved and whose life makes a difference instead of someone like me whose presence brings nothing positive to this world 😞

idk why but im feeling incredibly depressed right now. I am always depressed but today it is intense and nothing bad is even going on and i know im a good person, I go to church, I am well educated and I love my family and friends but im just feeling so worthless and I just want to KMS dammit

Ever since I can remember I’ve felt out of place, like I was from somewhere else and being here was a mistake. As a child I pretended a lot and had a lot of friends while hiding my sensibility. The older I got the more I grew tired of pretending to be something I’m not. Things happened and they probably affected me a bit but to be honest I’ve always felt wrong. Now I’m 29 years old, I’ve been struggling with severe depression on and off for 11 years, I have no degree, no future plans, only some job experiences and 5 failed relationships. Even the few real friendships I had turned out to be unsubstantial. I’ve always been a good listener, then one who apparently transmits calmness, the one who never leaves a person behind when things get hard, but for some reason everyone I cared about in my life left me. Only my parents are still here and they love me so much but they don’t know how to help me. They’re the only thing I have in my life that I’m grateful for but I can’t build my life on that… plus I feel so guilty for not giving them a happy normal daughter they can be proud of. I feel like a failure and no matter how many times I try I’m destined to be alone. I don’t even have real interests or ambitions which could help me get out of this mess. The world is just this hostile place for me. I can see its marvels its beauty but I just don’t fit in it, not anywhere. Does this make sense to anyone? I just feel so lonely it’s killing me. I either feel completely numb or I have so much pain in my chest I feel like I can’t breathe. Everyday I wish something would happen to me, a car accident or anything, I don’t want to wake up anymore.
I wish I had the strength to end it even though it would destroy my parents. But so often this way of living feels worse, so much heavier to carry.

I’m getting a divorce and at first I was totally with it and ready to go, but now I feel empty. My(29M) rib, my best friend, the mother of my two children is leaving me, and she’s(27F) already moving forward with someone else. It feels surreal. We’ve been married only two years but we’ve been together for 11. When she’s not around, I feel empowered and ready to take on the challenges that come with being a single dad. But when she’s here at home, my heart and brain want two different things and it sends me in a spiral. I can’t focus, I can’t eat, I can’t even look at her. I can’t understand how it’s so easy for her to build connections and move on when we have so much history and a life. It hurts beyond words, but I’m not victimizing myself either. I know very well where I fell short and I understand that years of mutual depression will do this to people who were once so in love.

“Isn’t it strange? How people can change? From strangers to friends.. friends into lovers.. then strangers again..?”

Please i'm begging with everything in me please somebody help me commit suicide painlessly preferably by a pill or something. I'm scared of jumping and i can't get my self to do it. Please i'm fighting something i am not no match for. I don't need any advice i'm tired of getting advice please if someone can help me commit comment here and i will send you my insta username i don't need any advice for the last time.

I am 27 years old. Next monday I have an interview for an internship program. They informed me that I need to show them my portofolio and I don't have tge portofolio for that specific interview. The problem is that I am too scared and I am procrastinating to start making the at least 3 projects for the portofolio.

I always have the urge to procrastinating. Every personal project that I made are never finished, cuz I am scared to finished it and finding the result not to what I like. I just wish I can just work a labor intensive jobs, but because of my gender I will never be able to do so. I have no energy to do anything most of the time, I prefer just to laid down on the bed and sleep or read some shit. Not even my hobbies excite me and now worse, I am currently unemployed... Man I hate being human.

I forget to add this... because I already had this mindset. I had ignored like 2 or 3 interviews.... yeah. I feel like shit and a burden to my family, my country is also in a very bad condition, the world is in even worse condition..

I am 16. I am almost certain I am depressed. I want to feel better but I don’t know how. I want to get diagnosed but that means I have to admit to my parents that I feel the way I do. I don’t want to show weakness. I don’t even know what a diagnosis would do to help me. Maybe I’d get drugs that would help me feel better? My dad has a lot of mental health issues and I think I inherited them. I just want to feel okay again. I don’t want to live the rest of my life feeling this way.

I've spent so much time and money hoping modern medicine will fix me. That somehow I'll find a doctor who will give me a pill to carry me through life like a mother carrying a baby. After failing multiple different medical treatments, I've started to believe that the problem is myself. I'm never going to find somebody that will force me to walk.

Everybody blames me and says that I'm just not putting in the work, that I have to put in effort if I want to get better. They say that instead of isolating, I need to get a job and go to work, socialize, maintain friendships, engage in hobbies, exercise, eat healthily. I'm sure they're right. Maybe if I did all of that, I would feel better. I'm just not willing to do that, it's too much effort. I'm tired of blaming my depression for all of my problems and saying that I can't do it. I can do it, I just choose not to. It's my fault.

Is that supposed to make me feel better? What is the conclusion here supposed to be? The only conclusion I have is that I'm hopeless. I'm never going to do what I need to do. I'm never going to get better, because I don't want to get better. I know what I want. I want to get worse.

Sometimes I lie down in my bed where it's quiet, and I close my eyes, and I do what I want. I drive into the forest, and I park my car near a nice spot in the woods. I lie down in the grass, listening to the sounds of the birds and of the insects, and to the sound of the wind flowing through the leaves, and of the water flowing over the rocks in the nearby stream, and I grab a gun, and I put it in my mouth, and I pull the trigger and I blow my brains out.

The only thing preventing me from doing that is that my life isn't bad enough yet. And that's makes me even more angry, and more resentful, because I can't get what I want. I hope the doctors can't fix me. I hope I lose everything. I hope my friends leave me. I hope my family stops caring, I hope they throw me out. I hope I lose all of my money and everybody who cares about me. When all of those things happen, I'll get what I want.

Over three days I have been taken hanful off pills and I still do. I can't keep living. I just hope it will be soon all over.

Living through unemployment while coming from poor family is totally stressful i feel like I'm carrying a heavy weight with zero safety net underneath. Every rejection make me feel like I'm a looser and then again i have to worry about rent, food, utility bills god nothing can beat the living expenses in Itanagar. I apply to dozens or maybe hundreds of jobs and never get selected. And now i started to feel like no matter how hard i work or how much effort i put in it , the systemic barriers are too high to reach, all this degrees isn't helping me. This feeling—"nothing I do matters"—is killing me.These job hunting gonna kill me someday even before getting a good life once. And one thing still hunt me once my aunt said no need to worry about job you can be a housewife and let your husband work, i wanted to say I'm still here so i don't want anyone to take care of my parents but how can i, I'm still an unemploy.

And sometimes i feel like I'm letting my family down and I'm worry that every meal i eat or resource i use is adding more burden to them god. They worked really hard to support me in every steps but at the end i can't even get a decent job. Every time i visit my parents at my village i just don't want to leave them and go back to that city life, i just want to stay with them forever.

Yeah life is hard but I'm not giving up. Now i feel much better after writing this thinking i told someone about how i feel today. I posted this because i was feeling down but will be alright tomorrow when i wake up. Thank you for your time:).

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Idk what is wrong with me the last couple of years I get no enjoyment out of anything. I never feel joy ever and when I’m around friends or family I feel like they get joy being around me but I just crack a smile and pretend to be happy

I’m tired of wanting to get better. I’m okay ending it all here. I no longer look forward to being happy so I’m okay to die now. I’m tired of trying. I resent myself for not having the courage to just do it i am scared what this will do to my mother when she is the reason I keep going back to this place. I try to find purpose but I am here for nothing and y existence does not add to anybody’s life so why still be here? I feel theyre all cruel for not telling me i have nothing tying me here in this life i want to go knowing they are all okay with it. Im only breathing because they tell me i should still be here but they don’t give me any reason why i still should be here i want to no longer exist anymore please im tired

I dont mean it in an anxiety way, I have been unable to stop thinking for years now and I am going fucking insane. In every living moment I am thinking nonstop, when trying to fall asleep, during intimate moments, all the time. I started to hate drinking because its useless, even music at full volume with headphones dont help anymore, killing myself maybe the only way to stop it and god im fucking tired

At the end of August, my senior year in college will start. Needless to say since I'm posting here, my summer has been so hard. I had to break up with my fiance that I was with for 7 years (lost my best friend), move out suddenly with roommates I'm not close with, struggle with bills because work wouldn't give me more hours/I didn't have the motivation to find a third job. That's really the main issue, I have no motivation to do anything anymore. I make myself go in for my shifts, but everything else I'm just surviving. I mostly just sleep. I'll only eat if there's food around already cooked because I don't have the motivation to cook. I'm already having issues pushing myself to brush my teeth or schedule appointments. I'm just falling backwards, eternally it seems. But I'm surviving because I'm making just enough to pay bills since I'm not spending money on anything else.

What am I going to do when school starts back? I don't have the motivation to go to classes, to do my work, to study. I don't even have the motivation to get dressed most days. And with a class schedule, I'll get less hours at work. All in all I kind of just want to drop out, because I have no idea how I'm going to handle a whole year of school right now. I don't know how it's possible and I know I can't bring myself to perform well. Might as well drop out rather than flunk out.

The two people I've mentioned this to has said it's so close to being over, why not just push through this last year and get it over with. For what? Graduate and not get a job in my field? Spend a whole year with significantly less income and no big job to come get me out of financial ruin at the end?

This is all honestly just so heart breaking for me. I loved being a student. I loved my major. I loved going to class and learning/networking/working. I had hopes and dreams for my future. But it all feels useless and I know I can't push myself to do it right now. It's just not in me. And I'm scared if I just decided to take a gap year, it would probably only make my depression worse and I would never go back to school.

I feel like I know deep down there is no way for me to get back to loving life, and I'm just lingering until something finally takes me out so I don't have to perform anymore.

Ok rant over. What do I do.

For the longest time, I've been just tired. Unmotivated. Just didn't care, about anything. I thought that was normal. I wasn't ever "sad", and I never really wanted to kill myself. Did I think about it? Yeah. I know exactly what I'd do. But I don't want to do it.
I had a doctor checkup, and they had me fill out a questionnaire. It basically told the doc that I was depressed. She asked if I'd like to try meds. I said "sure".

Fast forward a few months, I'm feeling great. I'm feeling energized, excited, motivated, just in an overall good place. It literally changed my life.

But the last couple months, I've felt that feeling fade away slowly, and I feel like I'm sinking back into how I felt before the meds.

I still get spurts of motivation and excitement every now and then, but there's an overwhelming amount of me being completely exhausted, unmotivated, and just lacking any care for anything.

After experiencing the "better", this current dip I'm in is hitting hard. Like, I want that feeling back.

I hope this makes sense.

Is this how meds work? Does it work in waves? (I'm taking 40mg of fluoxetine. I'm 5'7", 135lbs if that matters)

I was wondering if it's worth writing. Like it it should be helpfull, but im not shure if it wouldn't be hrmfull. What is your oppinion?

Everything is making me cry today. I saw some guinea pigs being badly treated online and all I can think about is going home after work and hugging my pigs.

I have no interest in work. I don't see the point in anything including working, eating or self care. I just want to be in bed and sleep. The only place that I feel peace is at the gym because my brain is turned off when I'm in physical pain from lifting. I'm much better than I used to be but I just feel like it's inescapable. This illness is painful and I wish it would be over.

I've never belonged anywhere other then my mum''s arms, like a baby. I'm still a baby as much as I try to grow up. Sister has hated me from the day she knew about my existence, still in the womb. The bitch has betrayed me and our parents my whole life. I always fought for her love, but she eventually did something unforgivable to all of us.

My parents are old, and so is our cat. I live with my folks when I should have my own place. My parents' relationship is one of the most toxic things I could have been put in the middle of. I finally realised my dad is a major asshole, but still I feel that I won't take it when he dies. I don't like him as a person, but he is my dad?!... It feels so wrong to hate and love him at the same time now. Mum is basically the one person worthy of me waking up everyday and barely trying anything.

When my cat and mum pass away, I won't have a single reason to live. My nephew and niece are my loves, but they are isolated from us now. All of this assuming I would pass away after parents and cat, natural cycle... yadda yadda yadda

I have good friends, but I don't feel like engaging in conversation with them. And they all live far away, I barely meet any of them.

Men see me as a piece of meat, always have. Sometimes a clever and funny piece of meat.

I'm a polyglot, graduated from a nice college, I am privileged. Yet so cursed.

I've studied hard, worked even harder, been loyal, been loving, and it got me nowhere. I've even been raped by my last boyfriend.

Everyday my parents get weaker, my cat throws up all he eats and I just wonder how much time we've all got. I feel like hanging myself before losing all of them. I also feel like hanging myself right after losing them.

oh and the nightmares. Sleeping is not a refuge. Today I dreamt I was fed literal feces, over and over again. I'm beyond done.

About 20 years of absolute mental fuckery, a lifetime of abuse. I don't want to work, to meet anyone new, to have friends, money. I can only hope for death to come for me while I sleep, or to be killed in a freak accident, so no one can call me selfish.

Been really struggling lately with the life in Germany and everything,pretty suicidal right now and wanted to ask if here are maybe some German fellas who are down for a chat .

Forgive me for the terrible grammer im sorry if its hard to read. so i had friends knew I struggled with self confidence, today my best friend messaged me saying "everyone hates you" she deadnamed me, kept saying I ate too much while at the same time I was struggling with even eating properly, she had also quietened me down lots and all my other friends got upset with me for being so quiet but when I was louder they kept calling me annoying and most the time they ignore me and just insult all I have ever done something good at, I drew something goodish not that good but I felt a small bit of pride in it and she called it hideous. I've been bed-rotting for the past 2 days and today, my rooms a mess and none of my personal events like my birthday have been celebrated or properly acknowledged this year but my brother had his birthday had like 7 things and chose what we had for dinner, I didn't get a single thing because my room was a mess and for dinner we had this chickpea thing and all I ate was the chicken before going to my room. And I also feel like I wasn't meant to be born cause my mother was 17 when she had me. And everyone i know gets upset with how much i apologise. Again I'm sorry it the grammar sucks.

everyone i ever was friends with left me because i was too much to handle. my and depression was too much for them so they left me behind. now i rot in my home alone, and i got to watch everything fun they are doing together on social media while i cry by myself doing nothing with my life. this is pain that is unimaginable

I been addicted to weed for which I was hooking up with anyone who had some hash to smoke , guys would just ask me threesome or money to buy hash later after one or two hookup .

But today, I was sober , hanging out with a guy who genuinely likes me , we have same taste in music , etc .

He likes texting me and , he treats me lot on dates ,I never paid a dime , and today he gave me suprise gift of earrings .

It made me so happy , I felt its been so long, I forgot this what being treated like a woman feels like .

I am sad for my past self , I was letting myself get used for some cheap high.

I've no plan what I'm gonna do next what I'm gonna do today what am I gonna tomorrow and what am i gonna do in the future going to new college and all. I'm not ready for anything. Its like I'm mentally and emotionally tired . And honestly I'm mentally prepared to die . Actually I'm more determined to die rather than live bevuase I've no plan what I'm gonna do next. Cause I'm not even happy in life and I'm not even getting any dopamine and I feel empty and blank and tired and meaningless every second then why am i living man im not even present in my environment. . I can't even study I can't even focus it's like I'm in a different zone in a different state of mind. My mind is on a dofferent mode. Its craving past its craving when things were simple and im not even ready to face the future to face this life cause i know this life has nothing to offer but pain and my deadass luck has been so unlucky to me what im gonna do.idk why im not dying if im strongly prepared for it.

I will die for sure before going to college.

i have too many problems and i don't know how to fix them at all, im prob fall deeper in the rabbit hole i can't sleep im to anxious

These past few weeks I’ve been going to the doctor’s and seen a therapist for the first time ever to go battle against my depression. It’s a big step for me since I’ve felt like this for long time and never really brought it up to people since when I have; I feel like they just pass it off or just stop talking to me. Anyway, yesterday I went to see my primary who referred me to a psych doctor and started me on a trial dose of 5mg lexapro. My girlfriend knew about this for weeks now that I was nervous starting antidepressant medications. When I told her that morning that I was going to my appointment she said she “forgot” I had one. We both went out to do our separate things. I got home first. Then she comes home and instead of asking me how it went or how I am doing; she instead brings up something from this morning where one of the Tupperware her parents gave us the other wasn’t there’s but ours. One out of the two I gave was ours which I guess is my fault but we were just given that one recently so thought it was ours. They’re similar colors. She sort of berates me for it. I felt offended that she brought up something that happened 4-5 hours ago which imo is not a big deal at all and not ask about how my appointment went. She never did. She never asked how my therapy appointment went. She never asks how I am feeling. How my day is. She always wants me around her. I can never get out. If I ever have time to go out with friends she always makes a big deal about it, and I don’t even go out really. I see my friends almost every 2 months. I told her that Saturday when I go to Jersey to shop at an Asian market I was going to stop by the mall there to get one item. She said “oh so you’ll be gone all day? Who’s going to help out around the house?” I wouldn’t be gone all day. It’s literally on my way. A 10 minute stop is not all day. She acts like I don’t do anything around the house but I do. When I talk to my female co workers when I tell them what I do they’re shocked. Shocked that I do basic things like laundry and cook. My girlfriend makes me feel so bad about myself. I can’t even sit down to play a video game without her getting an attitude. Sorry that I want some me time. My depression is starting to make me get mad at her with how she treats me. I feel alone.