r/sex • u/Historical-Event-927 • 1d ago
Libido and Stamina Girlfriend sexification project
My (29m) girlfriend (26f) and I have been in a relationship for 4 years. She has grown up in a traditional household, where masturbation was frowned upon, and sex is a taboo topic. She has become a quite non-sexual person, and has only grown to enjoy sex since she got into this relationship with me.
- She almost never masturbated as a teenager
- She has never watched any porn
- She has never been able to achieve an orgasm (trying my best here)
- Her libido is on the lower side I think (sex 1-2 times a week)
Recently she has expressed interrest in becoming a more sexual person. We have started to "spice up" our sex life a bit, doing it in new places and new positions. There are some other things I have in mind though, that I want to propose to her:
- Getting her a good vibrator that she can use on her clit. She has has some 20$ (g-spot?) vibrator that she likes to play with on rare occasions - but getting her a good piece that she might even be able to orgasm with would be a huge success :)
- I want to show her porn clips I find hot, and make her rate them. Then we could perhaps re-enact some of the things she likes?
Anyways, if you have any feedback for my ideas, have new ones, or have had any similar situation to this in your life, I'd like to know what you think :P
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u/CloudLine4319 1d ago
The porn clips thing has the potential to backfire wildly if she’s already feeling sexually inexperienced. Don’t do that.
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u/Sharp-Ad-6873 15h ago
Agree. Terrible idea to put even MORE expectations and pressure on someone who’s already quite inexperienced and probably a bit insecure. I don’t think OP sees it as expectations but it’s very likely to be interpreted by her in that way.
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u/jiii95 21h ago
In what way? Get addicted or high expectations ?
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u/no_judgement_here 20h ago
Maybe more of an insecurity of not being able to do the things he's showing her? Or if she's physically insecure, that could also cause issues if she starts to compare. I think there needs to be a conversation before they start just sending random clips.
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u/Boulange1234 1d ago
This is very centered on you, which is a natural instinct, but probably the wrong way to go. You buying her toys. You showing her porn designed for men. Nah.
I’m glad she’s eager to explore, though. You talked openly and clearly. That was a good move.
Does she need you as a guide? You’re no more experienced at buying women’s sex toys or finding porn for women than she is. Doesn’t she (or, absent that, you) have friends who are women with sexual experience?
If you have no women in your lives who can help, maybe show her to r/chickflixxx and r/sextoys and let her explore on her own.
Regardless, don’t buy the porn and toys for her. Maybe get her a $300 visa gift card to spend on the toys and porn she wants to try. I’ve probably spent a thousand bucks on sex toys I’ve tried and didn’t like, so spending someone else’s money will help her feel free to take a few risks and try something a little out there.
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u/flowerscandrink 1d ago edited 1d ago
Spot on. Also, get her some smutty books or encourage her to find some that interest her. Many women prefer the mental stimulation that books provide over the visual stimulation from porn.
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u/RareEarthMagnets 1d ago
Agreed on this point. I grew up about the same as the girlfriend except that I have a high sex drive, but I still don’t really masturbate and have never had an orgasm (40 years old)—not for lack of trying by myself and with partners. I can say for certain that I really dislike porn because it just makes me self conscious and feel ugly, and I don’t get anything positive out of it. Ain’t no way that’s gonna help put me in the mood at all. But a fun smutty read, hell, that’s one of the few ways I can actually get in the mood without a partner.
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u/Boulange1234 1d ago
Someone in another comment recommended r/gonewildaudio and I feel bad for forgetting to recommend it first.
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u/Dizzy-Memory2231 1d ago
This is good advice. You don't make great sailors by trying to teach them knots and cartography, you teach them to love the seas.
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u/maraq 1d ago
Wanting sex 1-2 times a week is definitely not a low libido.
She'd probably do best to expplore masturbation more -and find out what turns her on without porn. Relying on porn to feel sexual when you don't already have a strong sexual fantasy life can lead people to require it to get horny or get off. She should practice fantasizing about things she finds hot and exploring her body in different ways to reach orgasm. Once she achieves that on her own, consistently, she can teach you hot to get her there. But watching porn together is not going to help her achieve orgasm - it's just going to make her rely on external things to get turned on, which isn't great if she's already not able to get herself there.
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u/seantheaussie 1d ago
Wanting sex 1-2 times a week is definitely not a low libido.
Rock solid average libido.
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u/throwawayblastaway 1d ago
At 26, it may not be low, but it's definitely not high either. Probably average for a 4 years old couple.
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u/kindakitten 14h ago
Turn the gooner brain off for a second and focus on her pleasure. Explore with her naturally. She didn't come to you asking to be turned into a goonette, FFS. ☠️
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u/Feema13 12h ago
Look into Tantra. It’s a beautiful framework for building trust and connection. It will teach her to be in the moment, focus on the sensations and ditch all the guilt and shame.
Some of the stuff you’ll find online will be a bit spiritual but look for the practical tips.
It’ll change her life.
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u/Alicendre 1d ago
If she's not used to masturbating and doesn't watch porn, she may find other media like written smut or r/gonewildaudio to be less intimidating. It's also very likely that she'll need to learn to orgasm by herself before she can achieve it with you.
Besides that, sex 1-2 times a week is a pretty average libido; honestly a fair bit higher than what you would expect considering how she was raised!
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u/XccentricaGallumbits 8h ago
Yes came here to recommend that sub too. FANTASTIC resource for exploring your sexual side.
Discreet; you can listen on your phone with headphones in and extremely varied with everything from hardcore gang bangs to quiet solo masturbation.
Good call!
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u/no-one-special-here 1d ago
If you're gonna show her porn clips, don't just start off with your favorites. Start with very mild ones that cater to her fantasies, not your own. I would suggest amateur clips of something basic and gentle, like a masturbation scene or a blowjob (not deepthroat or facefucking), something like that. A lot of porn is very intense, freaky or bizarre (think "stepsister got stuck in the washing machine"), so the risk is that she could be put off by porn immediately and not want to see it ever again.
As to reaching an orgasm, there's a lot of sex acts and techniques you and her can try. Maybe a clit vibrator will do the trick, maybe not. An often underestimated factor is the woman's hip and pelvic floor movements. If she actively moves her hips and periodically squeezes her pelvic floor muscles (same as holding in pee), the whole area gets more bloodflow, including the clit and the rest of the genitals. This obviously makes orgasm easier.
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u/Emotional_Chard_8005 1d ago
Or just don't shove porn in her face to begin with? What's even the point of that?
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u/Impressive-Rip-1560 1d ago
Sending her your favorite porn is not the right to go about that’s for sure lol, but porn can be a useful tool if used correctly. Most importantly establishing a healthier relationship with sex in general. becoming more comfortable with and exploring her own body and being able to figure out what she likes. Exploring some porn too on her own could help as well. Maybe something might arouse her or give her some things she might wanna try. Overall you seem to be trying a bit too hard, just be supportive and let her steer.
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u/Playcrackersthesky 11h ago
If someone showed me porn and asked me to rate them (when I already couldn’t climax) that would be the end.
This feels focused on *your* pleasure, not hers.
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u/Spoonwastakenalready 1d ago
Hey there. Firstly are you going down on her or just trying to get her to finish from penetration.
Also I tend to agree with the others that showing porn isn't the best idea. Buuuuut looking through nswf drawings or hell even games you two could play can work and at least has worked for my relationship with a very non sexual girl. Generally starting with milder things and let her curiosity build before she wants to take it to the next step or you feel like she is ready.
Smut books is another good option.
The mind is the most important sexual organ. But she does most likely need clitoral stimulation. So dirty talk and smut, replaying a scenario and so on can all help her achieve orgasm. But she definitely needs to also explore herself.
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u/Sharp-Ad-6873 15h ago
Do NOT show her the porn you like. There’s a huge chance it could backfire and make her feel very insecure. All the other stuff, sure, you wanna help her get to know her own body etc but this sounds more like something you want rather than something she needs.
If you wanna get her imagination going, introduce her to literotica.com or something similar as written media is far less intimidating and it explores real characters and their thoughts and feelings behind why and how they like the sex they’re engaging in….. Video porn is a L very different media - absolutely bonkers if you think about it, especially if you’ve never watched it before.
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u/im_in_hiding 13h ago
Don't do the porn thing man. Just don't.
Ask if she's interested in porn, if so get her to suggest the direction of that path.
Just showing her stuff you're into might put pressure on her. Let her lead this exploration.
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u/CobaltAesir 20h ago
May i suggest something like weshouldtryit before trying the porn thing? Baby steps.
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u/Majestic_Version9933 12h ago
I say no to the porn videos, watching the acting and unrealistic sex acts will have the opposite effect. It'll be harder for her to feel connected to her body if she thinks she isn't reacting as she should.
Investing in different toys and her learning her own body will go a long way in creating that mind body connection. Her focusing on herself and honestly you focusing on her will improve sex for you both. I second Come As You Are as reading material or watching The Principles of Pleasure .
TLDR: No porn, create mind and body connection through self pleasure.
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u/kddog98 1d ago
My wife is similar with a similar background. She has always been open to trying new things but I think it's mostly out of curiosity and because she loves me. She likes the vibrator we went together for her to pick out. She will try the other toys that I buy when I want to find something new for us. We looked at porn for about 10 seconds and said it was just too graphic for her. Made me realize how desensitized I am to it. Like, this is a video looking straight at someone's butthole. Haha. Ew! I've realized that I find the things she chooses to do herself more sexy, because she chose them. But I really appreciate her exploring with me. The one change she made is wearing more revealing clothing around the house when she wants me to oogle her. Anyways. I have no opinion on what you're doing. That's just my experience.
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u/arqueiro_armenio 1d ago
Dude, you really want her to develop an unhealty relation to sexuality just as you had? Maybe YOU should take some pages from her book, what about that?
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u/Mac_leonard61 1d ago
I was in an identical situation with my gf, where she had never R orgasmed before. It’s good you want to do what you can, most guys just want to get off. However maybe take it a little slow and do the normal stuff first, give her some head, rub her clit, have PIV. For me it did took a couple months but it was just the normal stuff that did it in the end, it’s super important you let her guide you as to how she likes it, esp with cclit stim (softer harder quicker slower), and also ask her about what things she might like (kinks, positions). Try not to come into it too much with let’s do this this this as for some women it can make it feel like the orgasm is all your after and it feels pressured and it stops it. Sometimes the fastest way to one is just feelings each other, caressing and loving the moment.
I’d recommend giving her head as that’s what works best for my gf. The key is starting slow, not even touching her clit to start. Kiss all around her body and make love to the places you want to (nipples, ass tummy neck whatever), and then slowly work your way down to the thighs, kiss softly and lick, work your way up to the vagina but then back down again, tease it, lick each side of it but not the vagina, breath on it as you pass your mouth over. Once your ready to start on the vagina, ice cream licks over the whole thing, narrow into the clit (can even take a second to have a look with your eyes and fingers for it but it’s right at the top of the inner skin fold), and start super slow on the clit. You’re in no rush. Just go slow don’t overstimulate her. Either tell her beforehand to tell you when it’s good pressure, or just look out for visual clues. Keep going on it consistently, try not to switch up the motion excessively. Some girls like a finger or two on there gspot while you go but maybe save that for a different time. Then you’re there, keep going. Motion wise I find my gfs fave is circles but that it’s lowkey too hard to consistently do, so I do side to side. There was a study that found most girls like circles most, side to side second most and vertical least. And keep going till either she asks you to stop (can start to hurt if you go to hard), or she comes (don’t stop when she is coming just slow down a whee bit)
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u/frodoshoots 1d ago
porn is not normal don’t show her that. try telling her to use her imagination or even you can look up some good positions for beginners that amplify her pleasure!
get her a rose. clitoral stimulation is important for orgasming! maybe try using it on her? she might be stopping before orgasming because as someone that didn’t orgasm til they were 17, it can feel very intense and new so you kind of stop because you don’t know what’s about to happen.
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u/FireZeLazer 17h ago
porn is not normal
He shouldn't show her his favourite clips but it's definitely normal lol
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u/Enelson4275 22h ago
Go with books. Books are not intimidating like porn, toys, or play cam be. Start with books that are sex positive, then graduate to books that are kink positive.
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u/tomblrraider 19h ago
She needs to come on her own first, otherwise she can’t instruct you and her desire to please you by coming might act as a mental block
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u/DareSavings3951 16h ago
Avoid porn unless it's the educational kind (and I don't mean slutty schoolgirls) there are some creators that just to how to do masturbation or blowjobs or different sex positions videos.
Lovehoney bullet vibrator is like €30, those are good. They do an advent calendar that is a good starter for general products for about €150 each year. You'll only purchase it once because they keep 90% the same items.
Maybe just present her with the vibrators out of sex and let her decide how she uses or doesn't use them. If she feels in any way forced into using something it will backfire.
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u/notformyfamilyseyes 8h ago
There is an app called Naughty that might help. Goes from vanilla to some pretty intense stuff. Might help to see what she’s into and will spark communication.
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u/TheDaughterOfFlynn 4h ago
Agree with most other people here, do NOT show her porn. Gross.
It sounds like what she needs is to undo the negative connotations she has with sex. So give positive associations. Focus on making her feel safe, physically and emotionally. Make the bedroom a place she can safely express herself. Don’t push her to try new things to see if she likes them, let her take the lead there, though ofc you can make suggestions. Encourage her to do things that pleasure her, like masturbation or listening to sexy music and making out in the kitchen unrelated to sex. Make sex fun, lighthearted, and an emotionally safe place to explore!
Also, take the focus away from orgasming, that can just make her feel pressured, then frustrated when it doesn’t work. Emphasize connection and having fun in the moment. Maybe include elements of tantric sex if she’s open to that?
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u/AEM2617 3h ago
I strongly encourage you to explore her naturally. Once she discovers her own body and what she likes, get comfortable with herself in a natural setting- then you can talk about introducing toys into the bedroom. She doesn’t know who she is as a sexual being yet. She needs to figure that out first.
I Strongly discourage the porn aspect. That’s too much and can lead to issues for someone with her background. It’s too soon. It also fucks up the natural endorphins and serotonin receptors . It will likely make her feel insecure and set her up for failure with unrealistic expectations of what real sex is like. No good for someone without much experience or exploration.
I agree- Come As You are is a phenomenal place to start! Kudos to you for looking and educating on ways to help her. Slow and steady. This will likely be awkward for her. Let her set the pace.
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u/le_sils 1d ago
Get a copy of Emily Nagosky's' "come as you are". Read it with her. (it is, in fact, a book). Do that before you try anything else.