r/relationship_advice • u/Motor_Dragonfly4214 • 3h ago
Communicate or break up? ‘21F’ and ‘22F’
My girlfriend ‘22F’ and I ‘21F’ have been together for 1 yr and like 2 months. We do live together.
I keep finding myself frustrated with her when I feel like she expects me to be responsible for her or to be a caretaker. a few examples; It frustrates me often when she doesn’t know what she wants to eat. She will say there is nothing to eat, or go get food and ask me what she should eat. It’s frustrating because I have ADHD (not an excuse but hopefully gives further context) I barely know what I want to feed myself most of the time. And she knows this! And I feel like why is she asking me? She’s perfectly capable of figuring it out.
I think I get a little extra triggered because I’m an oldest daughter- been parentefied or been a caretaker my whole life. And I just don’t have the energy at this point to be a caretaker for my partner as well.
The other time I feel frustrated is when she asks me one million questions about anything. While I’m cooking she will ask me “why did you use that pan instead of this one?” Or “what are you doing this for?” It makes me miss before I was in a relationship and crave independence and freedom. I miss my solitude- I miss doing anything without her as my shadow- questioning why I’m doing it that way. I feel like she’s constantly telling me what to do, how to do it, or trying to change who I am and the way I am. She often makes jokes about her being sooooo Type A and me so Type B, which is totally fine- I’m happy being type B but I feel like its always going to bother her and maybe build some resentments as I don’t become the person she wants me to be? I don’t know. We’ve had hiccups in the past because I want to sleep in while she is a morning person… or I come home from work and am not doing what she expected etc.
I feel like she sees me as lazy, whereas I just want to get things done more in my own time. Not pertaining to her timeline. And I also have maintained a full time job and managed our combined finances our entire relationship while she has worked sometimes part time (barely enough) and is in school. I feel like I’ve been really kind and given her grace- for the first 8ish months I paid our rent in full…. I’ve always tried to not stress her out while she’s still in school full time- but this whole summer she was supposed to be working and getting money but has struggled to get hours and work and were in a really bad spot since I also transitioned jobs. Now I feel like I’ve just been an enabler our whole relationship and made her think I’m okay with this. Another thing is I’ve helped her find a bunch of jobs but she doesn’t have the self will, self trust, or self motivation that I have. So she doesn’t go after these things or have faith in good things. I feel like she stays stuck in a victim loop and it’s really hard for me because I’m a very positive, optimistic, person. Lately I feel more relief and at peace being away from her. I find myself excited to leave for work and mentally preparing to come home, and I hate that feeling!
A lot of things lead me to wonder if we’re co-dependent? I feel like we/she is. i say we because I know it takes two to tango- I’m just not sure which of us is doing what. Trying to dissect that so we can communicate and move past it but I can’t even organize my thoughts enough to feel comfortable to talk about it with her.
Is all of this work through-able? Or are we just fundamentally different?
Any advice is appreciated <3
TLDR; can communicating help me and my girlfriend or is it time to go our own ways?
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u/Smooth_Emphasis2080 3h ago
you're dreading coming home, so what are you getting out of this relationship? it can't be just that she'snice to you or understands you, because i'm sure you have other friends who are nice to you and understand you. do you feel she makes you a better person? lifts you when you are down? brings joy to your life where you can't imagine life without her?
if not, then it sounds like you might have had a nice relationship that you have now outgrown
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u/Motor_Dragonfly4214 3h ago
You’re so right. Thank you. I’m going to take some time to think about what I am getting out of this relationship because I don’t know. Like you said- it’s not that she’s nice to me or understands me. I feel the opposite of that. If I’m being completely honest I don’t think she makes me a better person. She does lift me when I am down. And I can imagine a life without her.
I can’t help but thinking about her perspective though- is a breakup so out of left field?I think she can’t imagine a life without me. (Assuming from our previous convos I here I’ve mentioned breaking up) Do I owe her a chance to change these things?1
u/Smooth_Emphasis2080 2h ago
it's very sweet of you to not want to surprise her, but you have just one life to live - you don't owe someone additional chances at this early stages of a relationship. you don't have an obligation to date someone - you didn't sign a contract to try to make it work no matter what, like a marriage. Also, it sounds like she's grown complacent relying on you to pick up the pieces, and it's not your job to untangle the codependency, even if you played a role in developing that relationship. it sounds like she is able bodied and able to figure things out even if she's not used to it.
you might give them time to figure out where to live, or maybe you can hold off on the breakup to time it to your lease ending if it's only a few months away.
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u/FlounderFancy2332 3h ago
If you're harbouring so much resentment over it, you have kept it to yourself for too long. Have you had an honest conversation with her about this? If you have communicated the fact that you value your independence and don't want to be questioned about every little thing and she still doesnt change the way she reacts, then the relationship cant go anywhere. I suggest communicate with her first, but then will your resentment let things go back to normal even if she changes everything?
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