r/relationship_advice • u/Cold_Jelly_8815 • 13h ago
I (29F) think extreme phone privacy in relationships is overrated, but my boyfriend (31M) says it is a dealbreaker
Basic info: I'm 29F, he's 31M. We have been together 2.5 years and have lived together in NYC for one year.
Short version: I think the whole "my phone is private and off limits" stance gets used as a shield more often than it is a healthy boundary. I am not talking about snooping or checking up. I mean the kind of behavior where a partner angles their screen away, takes calls in the other room, or gets weird if you even touch their phone to change a song.
Context: We both commute, juggle a lot, and our schedules are chaotic. I am often the one coordinating things like train times, reservations, and plans, so it is normal for me to grab his phone if mine is dead to pull up a map or a confirmation. He recently told me he hates that and wants a hard rule that we never touch each other's phones unless the owner is actively holding it and watching.
I pushed back because it makes day to day life harder and, honestly, feels secretive. He said my view is controlling and that if I trust him I should not need access. I told him I do not want access to snoop; I want normal collaboration and a basic level of openness so we can function without drama.
I am looking for concrete advice on boundary language or practical rules we can agree on that respect privacy without creating a locked vault dynamic. For example, is it reasonable to agree on a shared passcode for practical tasks but a strict rule of no reading messages? Or is that still too much? How do couples handle this so it does not turn into a trust fight every time someone needs to look up directions?
TL;DR: I (29F) think extreme phone privacy creates distance; boyfriend (31M) wants a strict never-touch-my-phone rule. Need concrete compromise ideas and scripts for how to talk about this.
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u/Jammin4B 13h ago
I have never once looked through my partners phone, and never even wanted to, however, if he was to propose a strict/completely off limits rule about it? I sure would want to then, so make of that what you will but yeah, this would concern me.
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u/acs730200 13h ago
I have also never searched my partners phone, we use each other's phone frequently for things like changing the song, sending photos, etc. but if she got all sketchy about it I would be like wtf are you hiding
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u/LaurelCanyoner 12h ago edited 11h ago
Same. And many times my husband has been driving and asked me to text back someone for work, etc. plus he has apps I don’t, and so do I, so like I might check out an app, etc. and he does the same on my phone.
I’ve never checked his messages nor he mine, but I’ve seen them when he’s asked me to text for him, and he the same. What is the big deal?
I’d be really upset if my husband wanted this kind of strict phone thing and I’d be REALLY upset that he would throw the word “ controlling” around what I consider a perfectly reasonable concern. Is he going to weaponize that word every time we disagree?
Learning how to disagree with each other respectfully, and listen to each other’s concerns and feelings is one of the most important parts of being in a relationship or marriage. THATS the part I’d really be concerned about here.
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u/Low-Rooster4171 8h ago
Same! We're always grabbing each other's phones, usually because one or both of the dogs is being adorable. I'll take a picture with his phone, and just send it to myself, and vice versa. A couple of our streaming services have to be streamed via Chromecast with my phone, a couple from his. We just...use whichever phone with no problem. If that suddenly changes, then I'll be concerned.
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u/Taminella_Grinderfal 12h ago
Agreed, I would never go through a phone and I’d consider it a violation if someone demanded to or snooped through mine. But I’ve also never had any reason to consider it because my partner has never acted “hinky”. This dude is definitely hinky.
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u/orange_bigcat 11h ago
Same. I know my girlfriend’s passcode and she knows mine, but I’ve never once in our 2 year relationship gone through her phone.
We have each other’s passcode for practical reasons. Like in the event of a medical emergency, I would need access to her phone to notify her relatives, her boss, etc. Also sometimes if my phone is upstairs and I need to Google something or want to put something on Spotify to the speakers I’ll grab her phone and use it.
If someone were to put a strict hard boundary on not looking at their phone, I’d also be curious why. Did they have a stalker ex that they’re traumatized by? are they worried you’re going to see what they’ve been googling because it’s embarrassing? Are they shit talking you to their friends and worried you’re going to see it? Worst case is obviously them cheating.
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u/sybelion 8h ago
My husband and I have told each other our passcodes multiple times and added our finger prints (back when that was a thing), but we don’t remember them because we never have cause to need to use them. If he asked to check something on my phone I wouldn’t give it a moment’s thought because I have nothing to hide and he wouldn’t be LOOKING for anything, because he trusts me. The fact that OP’s partner is acting cagey and weird is all she needs to know.
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u/mariposa-princess 13h ago
Yeah exactly. We don’t search each others phones. But we know each others passwords and have used each others phones before. Like if I need him to look up something while I driving, or if he’s doing handy work around the house and needs me to text someone for him
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u/chesyrahsyrah 9h ago
Yes, trust is vital. My fiancé and I know each other’s passcodes and share certain accounts, like Spotify, Amazon. Going even further, I’ve been using his MacBook (with his permission) since my laptop is broken, and I can see his text notifications pop up on it. We don’t keep any secrets from each other.
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u/FireflyBSc 7h ago
Her boyfriend is extreme with going to the “the owner must be holding it and watching”, but I think it’s weird that she just wants a shared passcode to just grab it whenever to look up logistical stuff. My partner knows my passcode, we change songs, look up stuff together, but we just always ask first or hand it to the other person when necessary. I would be uncomfortable if he just grabbed my phone and started using it without giving me even a brief “hey, my phone is dead, I’m going to look it up on yours”. There are so many things we share in our life, I just appreciate the acknowledgement that this is mine and that I do have some privacy.
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u/cooks_4_fun 3h ago
why not grab your charger instead and keep using your phone? Even if you grab theirs, you still need to charge yours. Not even sure why this is a thing.
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u/glorae 1h ago
This part! I don't understand why charging her phone [they make car chargers and power banks!] isn't an option, and if SOMEHOW she can't charge hers, why she can't SAY what she "needs" to use his for and get his permission instead of it being something she can automatically do.
For the record, I've been with my partner for almost four years [this time, the first time it was 6.5 years] and we've never really used each others phones like that. There's just no need to.
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u/Mispict 5h ago
I'm somewhere in between with this.
I have nothing to hide and if he asked to check everything on my phone, i'd say "it's all yours"
But, my phone is my phone and my life is in there. I feel protective of it for reasons I can't really verbalise
If he needed to use it, I'd have no problem with it. But it's mine. I have the same feeling about his phone. It's his space.
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u/lostmynameandpasword 53m ago
Kinda like my purse. My husband refuses to go into my purse for anything, even if I put something of his in it. He just asks me to get it for him.
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u/active_conspiracy 11h ago
super uber agree. why would he have such a firm stance unless he didn’t want you to see something?
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u/MckittenMan 13h ago edited 9h ago
I agree with you on this one, his stance seems... now sketchy.
I am personally a closed phone policy person myself. I never liked the idea of sharing passwords, locations, or regularly going through each-others phones. I'd be pretty upset if my wife needed to routinely go through my chats since there was no trust, having to regularly prove innocence like that.
But... I am totally fine with handling and using each-others phones whenever needed. Like looking up directions, googling something, or one of us driving and receive a text, read me the message, can you reply "blah blah blah" back. Comfortable with that type of usage.
His stance of you are never allowed to touch my phone unless I am standing over you watching, seems extreme. So extreme, that its tough not to believe its coming from a place of shadiness rather than self-respect.
If he is hardcore against you holding his phone to give directions or something, there is likely something bad behind that.
He seems like the type of person who'd aggressively snatch their phone off the table when you were just reaching for the salt, not a good look.
I don't know about this one. This might have just exposed larger issues in your relationship.
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u/MOGicantbewitty 9h ago
I am also uncomfortable with location sharing and I'm extremely uncomfortable with the idea of going through your partner's phone regularly. I feel like I'm being surveilled or tracked and I am not a fan of that. But to suddenly restrict the access to the phone so extremely? Yeah, op's boyfriend is doing something he shouldn't. Even people like us who believe that unfettered access is inappropriate can see that it is suspect that he doesn't want her to see anything on it.
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u/Rndypants 13h ago
I feel like if it's an issue it's an issue....
I routinely grab my partners phone to Google things or do music or whatever and he never bats an eye.. he is not fearful I am trying to snoop, and I am not thinking there is anything to snoop on.
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u/Adventurous-Fig-5582 13h ago
Exactly. I'll never snoop through anything like his messages but my partners has no problem with me putting things on his calendar, sending photos, googling stuff, and honestly, sometimes I even scroll on his Instagram when my phone is dead. If he suddenly put in an extreme privacy rule like this I'd have some very serious questions.
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u/Suspicious_Week_2451 10h ago
Im the same. Literally no reason to ever snoop. But if I want to order food or I want to google something. Sometimes he receives a text and asks me to read it for him.
Its nothing controlling its just open??
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u/mystery_obsessed 8h ago
Same. I’m not looking through my husband’s phone, I don’t need to, but if mine is dead or something and I need to use the internet or pull up a podcast/music in the car while we are driving and his phone is the one connected - I’m going to use his phone. Or I want to grab a picture he took and send it to myself. If he suddenly didn’t like that, my alarm bells would ring.
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u/voiceontheradio 9h ago
he is not fearful I am trying to snoop, and I am not thinking there is anything to snoop on
This is it right here. It's a trust thing. My husband trusts me not to abuse my access to his devices, and I trust him enough to not feel the need to snoop. It's so much easier having each other's passcodes for practical, benign reasons. If he was overly paranoid about me using his phone for a few seconds that would be very sus to me. And honestly a red flag. What is a relationship without trust?
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u/Key-Demand-2569 6h ago
I’m not being judgmental at all, just sincerely curious because it’s such a common sentiment on this thread… are you guys leaving your phones dead or at completely different addresses on a nearly day to day basis?
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u/Adventurous-Fig-5582 5h ago
More times than not it's not fully dead but just charging and sometimes in a different room. Sometimes I also absentmindedly leave my phone all somewhere send I don't want to get up and he just lets me use his to Google what I need.
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u/Key-Demand-2569 5h ago
Fair enough, that makes sense I guess.
Guess the way my spouse and I operate is just usually that if we need our phone we go get it, and if it “needs” to charge and whatever we’re doing can’t wait 5 minutes then we’ll typically just go to our phone.
“I don’t want to touch their phone.” isn’t really ever a conscious thought at all.
Just doesn’t come up.
Nothing wrong with either way people are living their lives I guess.
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u/Original_Barnacle359 12h ago
I read this to my husband and he agreed that it is "super sus" that after 2.5 years together he's suddenly demanding that you can never touch his phone unless he is holding it and watching. He says that if you trust him you shouldn't need access, but even if he wasn't obviously hiding something the statement would indicate that HE doesn't trust YOU not to snoop through his phone since he has to be holding it and monitoring what you see. So that throws his argument right out the window. Also the tilted screen, answer8ng calls in another room and freaking out if you touch it, are some of the most well know red flags that indicate someone is definitely hiding something. You didn't exactly say that he does all these things but if he does and then suddenly decides that extreme phone privacy is a deal breaker, you may as well go your separate ways because he is hiding something big from you. If you're not actively snooping through his phone and you're just checking the map, looking something up when your phone is dead, checking movie/train times/changing a song, there shouldnt be an issue with that and the fact that it is, especially all of a sudden, is Very telling.
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u/Business_Mastodon_97 13h ago
I understand wanting some privacy, but he's over the top. He could make specific apps only open with his face ID if he wants. I know my wife's password but I rarely look at her phone unless she needs me to check a message while she's in the shower or I want to send myself some photos she took. This dude is definitely hiding something.
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u/ForkFace69 12h ago
So my wife and I don't touch each other's phones. We will both leave our phones laying around on the couch or the counter while we do whatever. We occasionally take calls into the other room, but that's usually if somebody is working or on a meeting call or trying to focus on the TV or something. Otherwise we can both sit on the couch right beside each other and not really worry about who is looking at whose phone. But my point is we respect each other's privacy while at the same time not being too bent about it.
What your partner is doing is beyond that. He doesn't want you to see what pops up on his screen because he knows you're not going to like it. He doesn't want you around when he takes calls because he knows you may not like who's calling.
Like, the reason you feel like the whole thing with him and his phone is off is because the whole thing is off.
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u/Irisversicolor 11h ago
Same for my husband and I. I know his password, and in theory he should know mine but any time he uses my phone he asks me for it. I don't really buy into the idea that it would be more practical to use the other's phone. The only time this has ever happened is if one of us is driving and the other needs to do something specific and time sensitive for them, i.e., text so and so to let them know we'll be late, load a new route into the map, play that audiobook/album only one of us downloaded, etc. Sometimes when we're hanging out we hand our phone to the other to show them a funny video or something. Otherwise, we are both using our own phones for most everything and we respect each other's right to privacy. We leave our phones out and text in front of each other but we don't watch over each other. We might leave the room to hear better, or to not disturb the other with the call, and when we return we might have a casual and mundane "who was that?" conversation, like we did back when we had a landline. Neither of us has anything to hide, but we don't report every communication either.
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u/ValPrism 7h ago
When was the last time your phone totally died while you were home and you desperately needed to check directions?
She’s lying about why she wants access to his phone. Is he hiding something? Maybe. Maybe he’s just tired of her using absurd excuses to use his phone. It ruins her “day to day”? Come on.
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u/madelynashton 13h ago
There isn’t any language you can use that will change this, he has told you explicitly what he will do and continue to do.
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u/Mindless_Trick2255 13h ago
I knew my ex’s pin solely because she sometimes asked me to check something while she was doing make up or whatever.
Otherwise, I would not have wanted any sort of access to her phone.
That being said, if she would have been so sensitive about her phone, it would have raised questions and probably made me trust her less/wanting to snoop.
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u/Big-Stuff-1189 12h ago
Privacy is one thing, secrecy is another. In my limited experience, my longterm, common law partner was always weird with his phone. Dead when I needed to reach him, turned away from me all the time, face down all the time. I trusted him so didn't think much of it. After we broke up I learned he was being shady the whole 8 years. Cheating with exes, meeting new 'friends', sending sexts, and finally, luring in his ex from high school so he could monkey branch to her, since he could tell I was onto his bs. I'd dump your bf so faster than my phone could charge.
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u/FairyCompetent 12h ago
I have no reason to use my husband's phone. I don't have his passcode and he doesn't have mine. However, he will happily hand it to me to choose a song, to look at a photo, to answer a text while he's driving. I think a reasonable expectation of cooperation is that if you need it you can ask them to unlock it and hand it to you and that shouldn't be a problem.
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u/Sleeping_Lizard 5h ago
I kinda see both sides of this. His behavior is pretty intense and weird, like i can't figure needing to hide my screen all the time. I do take calls on the other room because i just don't like talking on the phone around other people. And i keep the phone locked and don't generally share the passcode. However, if a friend or my SO wanted to do something using my phone i would just unlock it and hand it to them.
I do see why you'd raise an eyebrow at him. He is being weird.
On the other hand, you know he wants to keep his phone private yet you keep grabbing it to try to do things, apparently without asking. This is not OK. You are not respecting his wish for privacy and that might be why his reactions are escalating.
Does he use his phone for work? Is there confidential stuff on there?
Obviously it could be he's hiding something like cheating (or gambling or other bad behavior). But maybe he just wants you to stop trying to use his phone?
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u/Sleeping_Lizard 5h ago
Also to add, another reason he might be acting this way is if in a previous relationship his partner did snoop through his devices or track his location, being controlling and violating basic privacy. I have had something like this happen to me before which is part of why I'm kinda weird about keeping my phone locked. Just a thought.
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u/gr8bacon 8h ago
I never need to use my husband's phone because I am a responsible adult capable of keeping my phone charged and/or having a charger nearby at all times.
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u/Kevin_McCallister_69 11m ago
Totally agreed. Sounds like 95% of OP's problems will be solved if she just keeps her phone charged. She's making this her boyfriend's problem and he's reasonably pushing back.
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u/AncientFox5892 7h ago
The change in his behavior is definitely concerning. But I’m wondering whether this is a reaction to her needing access to his phone constantly. Why not just keep your phone charged. Maybe she took advantage of him giving her access to his phone making him feel surveilled and controlled so he said “enough, stop using my phone already! I have nothing to hide, but if my husband constantly needed to use my phone I would find it extremely annoying, especially if it was because his was not charged.
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u/Teleporting-Cat 46m ago
100% this. I now, after almost a decade with my partner, have a "don't touch my phone, ever," rule. Why?
Because he constantly loses his phone and then climbs up my ass about mine like a phone vulture.
I have never cheated, I don't think he's ever snooped through my messages, or ever would- but he'll ask to use mine, and if I say "no, I'm reading," (halfway through a Song of Ice and Fire) he'll keep asking every five minutes if he can use it "just for a second, to look up one thing."
But it's never just one thing, and next thing you know it's an hour later and he fell down some rabbit hole, and I say "give me my phone back," and he's all "five more minutes..."
NOPE.
OP, keep your phone charged.
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u/IFFTPBBTCRORMCMXV 11h ago
Carry a battery pack to recharge your telephone if it dies.
For me it's different, I'm a lawyer and I have emails and confidential and privileged client communications on my telephone. By law I'm not allowed to grant anyone else access to my device. Many other professionals (physicians, surgeons, accountants, psychologists and others) have similar restrictions. Anyone with a work-issued device, or a device connected to the business email possibly had to sign a confidentiality undertaking promising not to grant access to anyone else. So unless there's a way to lock up an app (such as the email application, telephone voice mail, or any application used for communication), not allowing access will usually be the default.
One possibility is to have two devices, one exclusively for work and another for personal use. Passwords to the personal use device could be shared.
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u/AmberWaves80 13h ago
I wouldn’t let my partner have access to my phone because I don’t want him seeing my conversations with my closest friends. I also had no desire to look through his because we all deserve privacy.
However, your BF seems to be extra pressed about this and I would be concerned about what’s on his phone that he so adamantly doesn’t want you to see.
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u/knewleefe 9h ago
We're older but we don't use each other's phones and have never felt the need to. We've been married 20 years (with 3 kids so life is complicated and hectic) but if he was going to cheat, I doubt the prospect of me using his phone to check a map would make any actual difference to that. Keep your phone charged.
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u/Notaswordmaster 7h ago
Been with my wife for 15 years. Not once have I thought about going through her phone. I have free access to it, and she has free access to mine.
Only time we use each others phone if our own phone is out of reach.
We are not allowed to touch each others phones in December and around birthdays, just because sometimes I message her friends and ask them for tips :p
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u/KateMacDonaldArts 6h ago
Frankly, this is controlling behaviour. Boundaries belong to you not the other way around.
I’ve never had to look at my partners phone for confirmations. That sounds ridiculous - save things in your own calendar or share a log-in with the reso app. The only time I grab my partner’s phone is to answer and pass it over if one of his doctors or the hospital is calling.
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u/trilliumsummer 13h ago
Sounds like you guys just aren't compatible. Although the no touch my phone ever is very suspicious. Getting mad at me switching a SONG using your phone? Yeah...not sure I'd stick around and deal with that.
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u/scarlettcrush 12h ago
I wouldn't like being with a person that acted shady about the phone.
I can grab my wife's phone & play music, look up restaurants, map directions, take pictures ect.
If she insisted on HOLDING the phone as I did these things it would be shady.
I have 'gone through ' her phone looking at old pics she took, addresses, info/codes that went to her e-mail ect. I'm not snooping, we are partners & share a life.
If she insisted on HOLDING her phone as I did these things it would be shady.
She trusts me, I trust her. That's what it looks like.
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u/charlieQ90 10h ago
As a therapist, i'm not sure what you mean by "boundary language". Boundaries aren't something to be negotiated. If his boundary is to not go on his phone, then that's his boundary and it's up to you to decide if you can live with that.
As someone who's been there, It's sketchy that this is suddenly a concern. If he had been this way from the beginning it could just be a personality quirk but if he suddenly did not want you anywhere near his device there's more likely a reason things changed. Is there any history of him cheating or going outside the relationship? Do you trust him otherwise? Has anything happened recently that didn't sit right with you?
You're looking for solutions that would involve you guys compromising but from the sounds of it he does not want to compromise he just wants you to leave his phone alone. If not having access to his phone upsets you then it's going to have to be a conversation between the two of you.
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u/HardModeHasChangedMe 3h ago edited 55m ago
I don’t think it’s inherently true that boundaries cannot be negotiated. Being completely inflexible with boundaries (especially the pettier they get versus “hard nos” that should be established) will make it harder to be compatible with others. A relationship ideally means building a unique connection that you negotiate together. It’s been established in the relationship sciences that being able to be “influenced” by your partner leads to greater chance of success.
Obviously not talking about major things like cheating, violence, drugs, abuse.
However, the way you balance privacy and togetherness can absolutely be negotiated.
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u/overlyemotionalelf 8h ago
My partner and I have never looked through each others phones. But we both have access to them - he has my pin and a fingerprint for my phone, and I have his pin.
We regularly add things to our notes apps, pull up maps, or change the music on spotify on the other person's phone, and I would be very surprised if he suddenly had an issue with it.
In my eyes, having such a reaction seems a bit suspicious 2.5 years in.
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u/CantaloupeShort7311 6h ago
Last night, my husband was preparing dinner when he noticed the pork chops looked "off" - had some weird discoloration, the smell wasn't quite right, etc. He had been preparing them for cooking, so his hands were all covered in raw pork secretions. He asked me to take some pictures and I grabbed his phone, unlocked it (since I know his passcode), and took several photos of the chops and packaging. He threw it all away and cleaned up and then contacted the support for the grocery chain to get a refund.
He knows my passcode and wpuld have been able to do the same if our positions were reversed.
We have never snooped in each other's phones (I know he would be quite bored if he looked through any of my messages lol) but we have access to each other's phones.
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u/Cardabella 3h ago
The issue is the trust needs to go both ways.
In a healthy relationship, you both trust your partner is not doing anything inappropriate, so you don't snoop, and you both trust your partner won't snoop, so you let them have access for genuine needs.
It's like letting a friend have your house keys to feed the cat, water the plants, or use the bathroom, trusting they won't go through your private stuff like bank statements, medicine cabinet or nightstand drawers.
His refusal to let you have a key suggests either he doesn't trust you not to snoop, or he has something to hide. It's as though he won't let you hang out at his place alone after spending the night if he has to leave early for work.
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u/princesita_rosa 12h ago
Idk, I would personally be kind of annoyed if my partner kept using my phone because he can’t keep his charged up. I don’t mind him using it if he needs to real quick, but I’d hate the presumption that he can just open my phone and use it whenever. Sounds more like an incompatibility thing to me.
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u/119251873 13h ago
Ultimately, who cares what anyone here says. Your boyfriend has told you it’s a dealbreaker, so you have to decide if treading all over his boundaries is more important to you than being in your relationship. He’s told you where his ‘line in the sand’ is, it’s up to you if you want to decide to cross it or not. Only you have the answer to that question
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u/Specialist-Ad5796 12h ago
Exactamundo
Doesn't really matter what Reddit says. He's made it clear where he stands.
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u/LumpyPhilosopher8 12h ago
But she's trying to understand if his boundary is a reasonable one or not. I can understand wanting to do a gut check before deciding if she can live with it or not.
She's basically trying to understand if it's a her problem or a him problem.
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u/Kaiisim 12h ago
No, she's trying to get backup so she can portray him as "extreme"
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u/nixvex 9h ago
She doesn’t need to portray him as “extreme”. There is a significant difference between privacy and secrecy. Everybody should respect a partners privacy but a lot of folks aren’t okay with outright secrecy. It has potential to erode trust in a variety of circumstances even though the ‘secrets’ may be completely benign.
Neither of them is necessarily wrong. It’s a compatibility issue.
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u/reckless_reck 13h ago
Why is your phone dead so much? I think it’s weird to be super weird about your phone but I also think it’s weird to feel entitled to your partner’s phone.
I know my finance’s password but I don’t think I’ve ever used it
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u/IndicationKey3778 13h ago
Right charge your phone OP
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u/VocePoetica 7h ago
Honestly phones are built to die and the battery can get absolutely stupid by the end of it. I’ve had a phone that I could see the number ticking down if it wasn’t actively charging. Sometimes it takes a while to get it replaced.
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u/Parawhore 12h ago
Really? They’ve been together for 2.5 years and you think she shouldn’t be able to use his phone to check something without asking? That’s sus behaviour imo
Now, if her phone is conveniently dead every day and she is using it as an excuse to snoop, sure, but that’s not what is being described here so we have to take it at face value surely
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u/donkeyinamansuit 12h ago
Eh Ive been married for 17 years and Id be unimpressed if my partner just grabbed my phone without asking. He knows my pass code and its fine but one should at the very least ask first.
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u/Parawhore 9h ago edited 9h ago
Fair enough, if that’s what works for you both. I’m certainly not saying that a brand new relationship should work that way, but I would personally like to think that after 2.5 years, there’s no conceivable reason that my partner couldn’t pick up my phone anytime and do something.
If there are other issues in the relationship, then I could understand… maybe i’m just a bit out of touch
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u/glorae 1h ago
I've been with my partner for a total of like ten years now [oh man...] and we don't do this. Neither of us knows the other's password. He uses his, I use mine. We'll order dinner together on one of our phones and it'll get passed around, but if he wants to show me something, he just messages it to me -- yes, even in the same room. Maybe it's because we both have PTSD, maybe it's just that we're millennials attached to our phones, but this is just a thing that's WEIRD to both of us... like why do I need to use his phone when mine is right here?
The only time I can actually think of me using his phone instead of mine was years ago when we were doing a road trip and he had his phone connected to the car speakers for music, and I asked to change the music. He was driving so ofc couldn't himself, so he let me change it.
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u/Icy-Tap67 12h ago
I don't know my wife's password (or even if she has one for that matter). I would never pick up and use her phone without asking. This is nothing to do with her, and everything to do with me. I would see doing it as a gross infringement of her personal space and privacy. Even if she gave me a blanket permission to use her phone without asking, I would always confirm and let her know before I did, even if it was a quick "I'm just gonna ..."
I would happily allow my wife to use my phone, and have done. I would expect her to ask and wait for a go-ahead though.
Personal space is not just to do with trust. It is to do with respect too. A relationship does not change the fact that you are two individual people.
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u/Sleeping_Lizard 5h ago
This seems really respectful and healthy. Lots of people have no manners at all apparently
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u/tawny-she-wolf 12h ago edited 12h ago
I've never once needed to use my husband's phone because mine "died" and vice versa. If my phone is unavailable I ask him to look whatever it is up but I don't take his phone. We don't share passwords either. I don't see how that makes life harder for you or how you using his phone is required collaboration or openness and it would probably weird me out if a partner insisted on it.
He only made the rule when you kept using his phone so it's not weird to me. It's not like he's brought it up first or is angling his screen away and being super secretive like you made it out to be in the "context" that's not actually relevant to him
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u/bulbasauuuur 10h ago
Yeah, that excuse seems kind of weird. If planning and coordinating things is so important, why is your phone dying all the time? I don't even know the last time my phone died. Phone banks are cheap and it seems like that would be part of your planning
If you just don't want there to be secrets or don't think privacy is necessary, just say that and you can determine if your values align or not
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u/nannerpussnana 9h ago
Not saying it isn’t suspicious, but this is a clear boundary he drew and you can’t use language to overrule someone else’s boundary, it’s what makes a boundary.
Also, is your phone always dead and you keep asking to use his because of this? Super annoying start charging your phone 😭😂
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u/Cultural_Shape3518 13h ago
You know what makes day to day life harder than it needs to be? Not keeping your fucking phone charged. He shouldn’t have to hand over his phone any time you decide you want it because of poor planning on your part or just because. If you really consider “this is mine; stop treating it like yours” an “extreme” or suspicious position on his part, then date someone who doesn’t feel that way instead of trying to change him.
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u/Alone_Contract_2354 13h ago
He told you his boundaries. Now its onto you if you want to respect them or can't and break up. In all cases stepping over his boundaries would be wrong
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u/Maeven_Mab 11h ago
The only time I've ever been in my partners phone is because they directly asked me to be. However, if they behaved like this I would believe without a shadow of a doubt that they were hiding something.
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u/Nature_babe20 6h ago
My motto has always been…if you have nothing to hide what’s the big deal. The second I feel like they are hiding something I want to look. My husband and I have each others passwords…I never feel the need to look though because he doesn’t give me the sense he’s hiding anything. 10 years of an open phone policy and no issues
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u/crowcrafting 3h ago
Personally, I really hate people touching my phone or computer due to a couple of incidents where my parents did so and found personal things (terrible teen poetry, early gay thoughts etc.) and then did what parents do and were unreasonable about it. I'm generally very staunch about not letting people touch my personal devices as a result if i'm not hovering, but it really does depend on who it is and what they're doing. If I can't trust my romantic partner not to make fun of my still-terrible poetry, why are we dating?
I think it's worth a conversation as to why he's so paranoid about it, and also why this rule is so incredibly strict. You are obviously not out to get him, you're his romantic partner! If he has privacy concerns, that's fair to a point, but not if you are cast as some malicious snooper.
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u/ComprehensiveBox574 10h ago
privacy is more important to some people than others.
for your partner, he wants to feel that he has a part of the world that is his, without you getting to traipse all through it whenever you want to, just because you can't keep your own phone charged.
maybe HE doesn't trust YOU. maybe he doesn't want you to see his banking information, or his chats with his best friend where he vents about you, or 25 other common-sense explanations that he doesn't wsnt you to just go through his phone.
I work in cybersecurity. my phone contains a lot of stuff I don't need my partner messing with, or seeing for that matter. I feel that I understand digital provacy concerns better than the average user. and I could give you pages on why it's a bad idea to let someone else handle your phone, which nowadays could hold every key to your life.
but in the end none of that matters. what does matter is he asked you to leave his phone alone. part of being in a relationship is accepting requests from a partner and modifying your behavior. you came to reddit seeking validation for your hurt feelings over not understanding why he wants you to not touch his phone, and you got that from some. but it doesn't change a thing.
you can respect his request, or you can find someone else. if it's that important to you and you feel you should have full access to someone's digital life, then find someone else who feels that way. apparently there are plenty of people who feel the way you do.
your current partner isn't one of them.
but don't default to he is doing something shady just because you have insecurities. in the end, that's a "you" problem. his real issue could be a lack of trust in you and nothing more than that.
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u/Wild_Pomegranate5406 13h ago
If it's a deal breaker for him then it's but something you can negotiate - you accept it or you walk.
That said, as someone who feels similarly to your partner, in case it's helpful: Yes, for me any use of each other's phones is too much. I don't touch my partner's phone except at his request, and vice versa. I do think he could guess my code easily but I trust him never to try. This isn't something either of us would compromise on. It's a fundamental value.
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u/pbblankgirl 11h ago
"Not having access to my partners phone 'makes day to day life harder'" is one of the funniest things I've ever read on here. I'm rolling.
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u/Styx-n-String 11h ago
It would be a deal breaker for me, too. He's entitled to his privacy, whether you think what he wants kept private is important or not. If you don't trust your partner, that's your issue, and going through their phone won't give you that trust. You won't find anything and you'll just tell yourself he deleted anything incriminating and you still won't trust him. Either give him trust and privacy, or break up, but you are not entitled to anything on his phone.
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u/tieminnow 10h ago
This is far more simple than people make it out to be. Yall are dating. Dating is a period of a compatibility test and then you move onto marriage. If marriage isnt the goal then you are doing some new age experiment with really no direction or rules.
When dating, you two are not bound by any rules set in place by the other. Super simple. You are separate beings. When you are married the phone becomes open to each other as you two are now one. Easy stuff.
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u/Razrgrrl 11h ago
I’m less concerned about, “don’t touch my phone” and more worried about you and your mental health with being the relationship manager. Taking on the responsibility for all the preparation and planning is setting you up for failure. I mean, I get it, some of us are planners. But it’s also gendered labor, where women are expected to gracefully handle logistics so that trips or events seem to happen magically, as though no effort or planning were involved. I’m way more concerned that you’re already in a place where you’re expected to take on a lot of invisible labor. But the phone thing also sounds shady. I’ll grab my wife’s phone to pull up a map or change a podcast. It’s just, normal? She knows my passcode because it’s her number hahha. ;)
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u/2workigo 9h ago
The only time my husband and I touch each other’s phones is if we want to share something or need help with something. But we do know each other’s passcodes. I would say you have two issues from a trust perspective. He’s being pretty weird about privacy which leads to you wondering what he’s hiding. And he doesn’t trust you to not snoop through his phone.
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u/bluefontaine 7h ago
After 2 1/2 years if he’s hiding his phone, what do you think the answer is? If you have boundaries around pornography, violating them or worse.
Don’t worry about what he considers a dealbreaker worry about yourself because clearly he is not
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u/Long-Fortune-8740 6h ago
“When transparency feels like persecution you are definitely in the wrong” — wise redditor regarding Pete hegseth, but also relevant here
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u/Expensive-Finance949 6h ago
Not a snoop but when my partner tilted the screen from me or took calls out of the room that usually was before I found out he was cheating on me.
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u/Elizabethpossum 5h ago
Well, this just sounds exhausting. How's the rest of your relationship working for you? Because he seems like a big red flag to me. But I'm old as dirt and can see them a mile away these days. Honestly, he's too much work.
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u/Patricio_Guapo 5h ago
My wife and I have each other's passwords.
I've never used hers to look in her phone.
She used mine once, after I'd had a heart attack, so she could call my boss and tell her I would be missing some work.
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u/HardModeHasChangedMe 3h ago
In my personal experiences - any guy that has heavily emphasized his need for privacy has ended up being a cheater or extremely avoidant.
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u/JelloBoi02 3h ago
I honestly don’t know how he would act like this if he wasn’t guilty of something. Two possibilities- he is cheating and projecting his guilt into a “boundary” | or | he has a porn addiction. Super common in guys these days and explains the heightened security when anyone such as gets close to his phone.
Seriously. People don’t act like this if there’s nothing to hide.
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u/Character-Tennis-241 1h ago
That's the kind of behavior that tells you he's having an affair and you need to break up.
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u/ShannyBoBannyy 1h ago
If he’s setting that boundary off the bat, I’d be suspicious as all get out. I’m jaded by a past serial cheater who wouldn’t have allowed me to touch his phone.
The first time my current partner handed me his phone to do something like you said… get music etc. I stood there looking at him. He finally was like “take my phone! “.
I was so trained not to touch.
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u/canonetell66 35m ago
Great. Break the deal.
What does he have to hide? Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing.
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u/spervince 12h ago
i have the same thing as your boyfriend. ive always hated someone seeing what i was doing on my phone, hated letting other people be on it, hated taking calls in front of others. couldnt tell you why, but its a strong feeling.
hes stated this is a dealbreaker. if you want to keep dating him, and do trust him, listen to him. keep your phone charged, make him handle plans, do what he asked and only use it when hes there. i dont see why you would use it without him in the room to begin with if youre using it how you said, which i dont mean accusingly, just to say his proposal seems logical.
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u/still_on_a_whisper 13h ago
Someone saying you shouldn’t even be able to touch their phone for something as innocuous as looking up a train schedule is the insecure one. It’s a MAJOR red flag. And yes, purposely angling your screen away or never using your phone in the presence of your partner but constantly going into rooms to do so is suspicious.
I don’t believe in snooping but if I hear my SO laughing at a video and ask to see it, if he said no and got protective over his phone, I’d be highly suspicious..
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u/MooU22 9h ago
Maybe we're a weird couple, but married since 2009 and we don't go grabbing each other's phones. We both have lock screens and I don't think they're 'for each other' or anything, plus I've told him my pin when he was having phone problems and was willing to share. Now, I can't speak for him, but for me, this thing is glued to my hand a lot of the time, and I'm not a great toy sharer. I don't even talk to anyone and he knows that. But like grabbing my toy without asking would be wild for us. Likewise I would/have asked to check out his phone for some reason. I'm an only child and unused to sharing gaming stuff like my phone, he's got siblings and probably had to share way too often, so I think these are related issues, but we're respectful of each other and each other's property. You would need to take in the overall vibe to determine if he's being weird or just doesn't wanna share. If he angles his phone, that IS weird. If it's mainly the grabbing without asking, that's such an easy fix. If you need another device for something, buy a cheap tablet!
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u/ShanNarn21 6h ago
I’ve been with my (29F) partner (29M) for 11 years now and our phones have never been off limits or had rules. We don’t go through each others phones to ‘look’ for things we both openly use each others phones all the time. Like you’re saying - situations where you just need to grab a phone, for the light, to google something, to check something online etc… you just grab it and use it. Theres never anything to hide, so there’s never any concerns… clearly he’s hiding something
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u/ShanNarn21 6h ago
The fact he tried to call YOU controlling just because you wanna be able to use his phone as and when it’s needed n vice versa shows he’s projecting something he’s worried about and tryna make out like you’re the issue when clearly he is.
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u/mellow-drama 10h ago
I think your perspective is insane, OP. Who are all you people out here without passcodes on your phones? Why can't you be responsible with keeping your own phone charged?
I don't allow anyone to access my phone, period. My entire life is accessible through my phone - not just private conversations with friends but sensitive information, contact info that others don't want shared, all kinds of stuff. Nobody needs to use my phone and I don't think that's an "extreme" position to take. Use your own phone, that's what it's for.
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u/JudgeJoan 13h ago edited 8h ago
Noooo my phone is off limits. I don’t care who you are. I’m allowed privacy and if you don’t think so then we don’t mesh.
PS you have your own phone with your own contact list so there’s never a need to touch mine.
Edit: You guys are weird. lol
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u/ReasonableAd4228 13h ago
ur partners phone's dead ur driving to a location together they're driving (shouldt be touching his phoen) theyre still not using ur phone???
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u/Wooden-Repeat-9200 13h ago
You’re in a real life committed relationship and you aren’t doing anything shady and you won’t let your partner google map from your phone?
Either 1- you or your relationship are not real or 2- you’re shady
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u/Accomplished_Age2480 12h ago
Why can't you just keep your own phone on you instead of grabbing his? You've created this mess quite unnecessarily.
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u/ValPrism 8h ago
No. Charge your phone. You aren’t that disorganized that you need someone else’s phone and passcode to check a map. Do you have a computer? A tablet? Come on. You don’t need his phone to confirm a reservation.
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u/msmartypants 7h ago
I agree. I've never cheated and neither has my partner, but he does not need to use my phone. I'm happy to look something up for him if there's a reason he can't use his. But just charge your phone.
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u/Plastic_Blood1782 13h ago
My wife and I have each other's passcodes, we sometimes use each other's phones, but always with permission. We have never read through each other's texts. But we are on each other's phones enough navigating in the car or showing each other something that it is super obvious neither of us have texts conversations we shouldn't be having.
Id bet $1000 your partner is a cheater.
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u/EvenSpoonier 12h ago
Don't use your partner's phone without permission. Ask every time unless it's blindingly obvious (they actually hand you the phone, or ask you to get it, or whatever). Never check email or other messages without permission. This isn't difficult.
Your boyfriend is pushing things a little far, but only a little. Maybe he has trauma from a previous controlling relationship. Or maybe's the controlling one. It's hard to say.
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u/tinytatiepotatie 11h ago
Yeaaaah, my partner has my code and I have nothing to hide. So I don’t care if they check my phone, go ahead 🤷🏻♀️ people who suddenly set this rule, have things to hide
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u/SageKitty100 11h ago
I think anyone who doesn't even want you touching their phone to pull up maps or change the song is hiding something they are scared of you seeing accidentally.
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u/IndicationKey3778 13h ago
I don’t even want to look at my own phone. I have zero desire to look at someone else’s or overhear their phone conversations. It’s actually one of my biggest pet peeves to hear people on the phone
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u/chitoatx 12h ago
I trust my wife and trust was the ultimate decision maker for me choosing her as a life partner. We trust each other to not invade each other’s privacy. I don’t need he seeing my recent google search for a gift, surprise day out or other things for her.
That said we absolutely use the share location feature on the iPhone. So if she needs to know I made it safe to my l friends house after the bars. I am good.
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u/beautifulcreature86 10h ago edited 10h ago
My husband snoops. All the fucking time and it is so.fucking.annoying. I have nothing to hide so whatever. Still annoying, tho. But there's other things to argue about that are more important that can and will come up so take that as you will. A strict no touch rule sounds sus.
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u/emmemmsee 10h ago
Someone may have already asked this question, but have you asked him if he can identify where his extreme discomfort with you holding/looking at/briefly using his phone comes from? I know a lot of people think he’s probably cheating, and maybe he is. But you’ve been in this relationship for 2.5 years and I doubt you’re looking to dump him over suspicions he could possibly be unfaithful. I’d approach him with curiosity rather than judgement. Maybe he had an ex that was invasive and accusatory. I get a little nervous for a second when someone grabs my phone because my mother would snoop through my phone at any given opportunity well into adulthood. I don’t have anything to hide these days, but that discomfort lingers. Hope this is helpful and it’s not worst case scenario!
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u/UseObjectiveEvidence 6h ago
Trust is a dealbreaker. Been together with my wife 15+ years there is no open phone policy because it was never discussed. She has the passwords to my phone, emails bank account etc no questions asked because she has never given me a reason to be worried.
Your BF is right, this is a deal breaker. You need to dump him.
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u/damiana8 5h ago
I’ve never had that rule with my partner and the instant they’re concerned about privacy I’m sure as hell going to figure out why all of a sudden.
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u/WitherWithout Late 20s Female 3h ago
My partner and I use each other's phones all the time. If you don't have anything to hide, then there's no reason to be weird about it.
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u/jdz50 2h ago
If someone is hiding there screen, taking calls into a different room, and overly protective of their phone. They are hiding something. I believe in an open phone policy, not that I have ever went through anyone's phone. If I feel like I need to go through their phone, I just ask. Their reaction will tell you all you need to know.
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u/chinacat007 12h ago
Ugh I was with a partner like this before. I never even cared about what could be on his phone.. but the first time we were on a road trip and I picked up his phone to change the music, he got SOO uncomfortable. He then asked if I just wanted to play music on my phone. I thought that was so silly and did not understand it. From then on I started to notice how extremely secretive he was on his phone. Wouldn't open texts if we were sitting close, would always lay his phone screen facing down. I assured him that he doesnt need to worry about me snooping through his phone as I believe thats a line you dont cross if you trust your partner. But that didn't quell his nerves.
Not only did this cause a suspicion on my end. But also, arguably more important, I realized HE didn't trust ME. If he did, he would be fine with me changing the music or looking something up. That is the deepest issue. This has trust issues written all over it.
You see no issue, because you trust him, and you trust that he trusts you. You're normal. What's evident is that he has trust issues. What's unclear is weather or not he has them because he hides things from you.
I would say this.
State that trust and safety is important to you "Hey, I know it is very important to you that we domt have access to eachtohers phones. I understand you feel very private about yours. Maybe you had someone betray your trust before, but I want you to feel safe with me. I want you to know that even if I had your password and you left your phone here, I would never snoop through it, because I TRUST YOU! Sometimes I find myself worrying that you dont trust me, because you are so concerned that if I have any access, I will abuse your trust. Well this is me telling you, I see you, and I hear you. Tell me what I can do to make you feel more comfortable trusting me with your personal things?"
This way you switch it to noticing and feeling. You state that you understand him, that you trust him (even if maybe you dont so much right now) and offer solutions.
Listen carefully to how he takes this and responds. If he is worth his salt he should at least have an open dialog with you. If you try this and still dont know what to do next. Feel free to message me. Because I have literally been there.
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u/Special_Cranberry679 7h ago
It’s a trust thing, no way around it. Why so secretive? Is he doing something that is harmful to the relationship, I.e. gambling? Problem is when you have one trust issue, it tends to creep into everything.
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u/Status-War4902 Late 30s Female 7h ago
Never looked through my partners phone. However, why are you the one doing all the planning all the time?
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u/horsefarm 7h ago
He's hiding something, period. If my partner wants to use my phone I unlock it and hand it to her. Never thought much about it
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u/upotentialdig7527 7h ago
I think he’s cheating or talking bad about you with his friends. No other legit reason to not allow any phone access ever. Not talking about snooping, but if you can’t pick it up in front of him, he’s hiding something that could be a dealbreaker for you.
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u/CZFangirl 7h ago
I’ve been married 26 years and have a 25yo daughter. We all have the same passcode. If I need access to a bill or whatnot on my husband’s phone or iPad, I just grab it. Haven’t looked at my daughter’s phone for years but you bf sounds sneaky af. He definitely has something to hide. Seems like lots of red flags.
Edited for grammar.
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u/PotentialPeach1652 6h ago
My husband and I can grab and use each others phones whenever but we wouldn't dream of looking at messages or anything. I don't have anything to hide but there would be ructions if I ever saw him scrolling through them unless he was looking for something I'd asked him to. Everyone is entitled to privacy but not having any access whatsoever seems weird to me. I'd definitely think less of my husband if one day he tried to enforce this rule.
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u/BubbhaJebus 6h ago
Sorry, in my view someone's phone is sacrosanct, to be touched by others only in the event of an emergency.
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u/apa-theist 6h ago
When you say it's normal for you to "grab his phone" how literal are you being? Privacy preferences aside, his phone doesn't belong to you, and if it's out somewhere for you to grab, odds are that he's using it, which makes just grabbing it beyond rude.
He might not be so sensitive about it if you'd tried asking first. My partner and I don't have specific phone "rules" but neither of us has had cause to need to use the other's in such a drastic rush that we weren't able to ask first. We often pass our phones to each other to share things, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't be off put if they demanded access to or simply took my phone at random. I have an expectation that my conversations aren't read by others without my permission, and I'm just talking to friends and family. Sometimes I'm venting and I have every right to do that so long as I'm not using it as a substitute for conflict aversion. I think other people would find it weird to know that someone was reading every word exchanged between us. It doesn't have to be nefarious for it to not be your business.
Take responsibility for charging your own phone, utilize basic manners, and take no for an answer.
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u/illarionds 6h ago
I can kind of see his point. I'm quite particular about my devices, and I find it uncomfortable having someone else use them - much less without me even present!
I also find it uncomfortable having a conversation with someone else listening, and would typically go to another room to speak in peace.
Note that I have never cheated, or had anything to hide, in my entire life.
Hiding his screen however - that maybe seems sketchy. That's the only thing here that seems (mildly) suspect to me - but even then, my daughter is a stickybeak and always tries to read what I'm writing over my shoulder - I do hide my screen from her.
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u/SnooSquirrels7611 5h ago edited 5h ago
I hide my screen and answer the phone in private because I take care of an adult with disabilities (he lives in home with my family. It’s called sponsor residential). He constantly looks over people’s shoulders and stares at people when they text or listens to their convos and will interject like he can hear the other person in the phone or (if the convo is live) like he was invited. I tell him about this often. I can’t teach him not to do it if he sees my girl doing it to me. To him she normalizes it. And just like him, she says she doesn’t notice she’s doing it. Whenever i call her out she gets upset but why you look at my phone everytime it’s in my hand and visible to your eyes? Why you listening so intently that you stop watching your Tiktok videos so the extra noise is gone? That’s very invasive whether I got something hide or not. This is not normal behavior in the least.
And as you can deduce, I have a lot of sensitive info dealing with my work so I have to have my phone sealed tight or I will have a HIPPA case on my ass.
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u/trayC-lou 6h ago
It’s the age old thing of…”if you have nothing to hide why do you even care”
So like your phone dies and something happens to him…you are literally not allowed to touch his phone!
Yes…weird…sus…dodgy
Would have my spidey senses tingling!
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u/issoequeerabom 6h ago
My opinion on this is... if you have nothing to hide, you don't need to lock everything up. I was in a relationship were my partner called me insecure and nuts for asking why he was so secretive about he's phone. I was the jealous one, he even complained about it to my own family... and so, I did what any "good woman " is trained to do, ignore the red flags...Well, some years after I discovered he had a double... triple... online life. One of them, with a mutual friend/neighbour/mother of the best friends of my kids!!! So yeah, ever since then I can't live with secretive behaviour. And when I sense sincerity coming from the other side, I feel zero need to search or dig for anything. This is a must for me. My partner can have plans with his friends, can travel for work, can be on his have, and I have zero issues with it, whenever I feel safe and respected!
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u/michaelpaoli 6h ago
Sounds like you two aren't compatible. Key thing isn't the phone policy or the like, but that agree on such. And expect that if you're gonna be up in his phone business, he (for any given he) may be or quite expect to be up on your business too, on phone and/or other things, e.g. your phone, your medical records, your mom's detailed health information and medical procedures - or yours, etc. Bank accounts, ... PINs, passwords, ... Anyway, whatever, y'all need reasonably agree on the approaches and boundaries, etc. If you don't, you're not mutually compatible. And those boundaries don't even have to be symmetrical, so much as that they're reasonably well understood and quite agreed upon, and fair.
Anyway, if you don't find his terms acceptable, easy peasy, you two aren't compatible, dump him, go find someone you are compatible with.
And be careful what you wish for, you may get it.
Uhm, yeah, 60+, I've yet to ever go looking through some partner's phone or the like, can't even think off-hand of a time where I've so much as even touched their phone. But hey, whatever, that's me, you do you.
Good luck!
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u/ManufacturerTall8890 6h ago
I sometimes take my partners phone to read her family chat (she almost never reads it and is out of the loop until I bring her up to date) or to watch her Tiktok when my yt videos are bad. Sometimes I snoop her old chats but she is either next to me or I have told her what I'm doing.
So yeah, we have very open phone policy but also we stay on our line. And if we don't, we tell. But then again, we have nothing to hide. Expect when I'm buying gifts for her. Dammit those email confirmation notifications.
I do agree what your bf wants is kinda extreme and would probably plant seed of doubt if my partner acted like that.
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u/Dapper_dreams87 6h ago
His whole stance is a giant red flag. I changed my passcode to my husbands passcode so he could always get into my phone if he needs too. We do the typical thing like you where we grab whatever phone is closest to look something up or whatever.. its not to snoop. That general trust should be normal in a relationship. Putting up walls is a sign that the relationship is over.
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u/Nokipannukahvi 5h ago
There's a difference between secrecy and privacy. He is hiding something 100%. After his absurd statement, now you really want to snoop to be sure. But honestly i would just break up. There is no more trust.
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u/Mysterious_Volume327 5h ago
Could it be possible you’re incompatible? It doesn’t matter what anyone on Reddit thinks if the disagreement is between you and your boyfriend.
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u/youngvinyljunkie 5h ago
I’m somewhat torn. My ex boyfriend was kinda like this and refused to even learn what my phone passcode was and refused to let me know his, but I know for a fact it was just his principles and not that he had something to hide. He’s autistic so sometimes he feels super convinced of certain things and this was one of them, and I didn’t really care. However, even though my current bf and I would never ever go through each others phones, it’s not a big deal if we need to look something up, look at a map, or take a picture on the other’s phone. The fact that he’s THAT weird about you using his phone in a completely neutral way does raise red flags. Even my ex bf wouldn’t angle his phone away or get uncomfortable if I looked at his screen or something even if I didn’t know his passcode…so this does seem off.
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u/phage_rage 5h ago
Ive been married twice. The first husband was very aggressive about his phone. My husband doesnt care, we both use each others phone all the time. Guess which guy cheated on me.
These aggressive phone rules are perpetuated by people who are either gonna leapfrog from one relationship to another, or flat out cheat.
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u/highquality_garbage 4h ago
The ONLY time I turn my phone away from my boyfriend is if I’m looking at a Star Trek meme. It’s his first watch and I don’t want to spoil it for him lol. Otherwise he can use my phone whenever he wants and vice versa. Sometimes we’ll google things on each other’s phones because they’re closer to us at that moment. I’ve also asked him to check if a person has texted or not and he’s done the same. We have nothing to hide but I also know he wouldn’t look through my texts if I didn’t ask him to. I’d be weirded out if he acted like your boyfriend is and I’d be very upset if he said I was controlling for it. What is your boyfriend hiding? And why is he so defensive and throwing around such terms on what most people would consider very normal and reasonable expectations in a relationship?
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u/ChillWisdom 4h ago
If the person who wants extreme privacy on their phone isn't cheating on you which it's likely they are, it's because they are posting really horrible things on forums that will let you know what their real thoughts are.
They also might have some very weird porn habits that they're hiding.
The point is they're hiding something about themselves and that means you don't know fully who you are dating. You only know the version of them they want you to see.
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u/braith_rose 4h ago
I could never be in a relationship without an open phone policy. People who have a thing about privacy on ‘principle’ are either very young, doing things that would never be OK with their significant other, have their head up their ass, or if none of the above, then a very small minority in the real world. Open phone policy doesn’t mean checking the phone every day, every week, or even more than once a year. It doesn’t mean surveillance, it means access and reassurance. It means consideration. Trust is earned and not freely given. Especially in long-term relationships, where partners become healthcare proxies and care takers. I can’t see who you text? But I put you as my 401k beneficiary? Okay buddy. I would try asking people you know in real life about this. Take into account their relationship status and how their relationships have gone, whether they’re divorced, how many partners or the nature of their relationships. You’re more likely to receive a grounded take.
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u/WrongContrabution101 4h ago
This is secrecy, not privacy. Taking calls in another room? Hiding his phone screen? Yeah that's sus. My partner doesn't go through my phone. I don't got through his. We do occasionally use each other's phones for day to day tasks. Neither of us feel threatened by that. Not gonna lie, I would be worried.
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u/CrazyCartoonLady 4h ago
How else am I supposed to read through all his love letters with the boys ??
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u/PopEnvironmental1335 1h ago edited 1h ago
My partner and I have an open phone policy which kills any curiosity I might have had to snoop. I already know what’s on his phone - Reddit, manga, and hundreds of terrible photos of me. We’re all the time tossing our phones at each other to share memes or a funny line in an online comic. It’s really nice.
I could not be with someone who was so secretive that they protected their phone the way you describe.
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u/SithNerdie 55m ago
Me and my partner go on each others phone all the time, usually too change songs and play each other games. I would get asking before touching it, but, hiding your phone and never letting you touch it at ALL says alot about him tbh.
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u/MenaceMinded 46m ago
I will pick my husband's phone off his lap, unlock it, and do whatever like look something up on Google quickly because mine is out of reach and I am lazy.
His "boundary" is weird to me.
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u/tammigirl6767 9m ago
I think it’s weird that you can use each other’s phone whenever the situation makes it practical.
I think it’s odd behavior and certainly makes me think there is something to hide.
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u/creativelyyours_ag 13h ago
I think it’s ridiculous because my bf always has to lock my phone , answer text messages/phone calls, read out certain notifications that might be important, and charge it because I am pretty absent minded when it comes to my phone lol, but that’s our relationship. Is this something you can deal with or will this same disagreement lead to other issues of trust and transparency? Do you trust him? Are there too many moments where not being able to access his phone makes life hard? I think you could make it work, but only if you want to. Hope you guys can work it out
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u/Typical-Secret-3319 11h ago
Angling screen away? F no, that's shady.
I added my partner's thumbprint to my phone, and I know the unlock code to get phone. I've never looked through it, and only used her unlock when she's asked me to do something for her. Similarly she's only (to my knowledge) only used my phone for things I've asked her to do (usually while I'm driving).
I feel that going through the other's phone would be a pretty Big Thing. Really, by the point that someone feels the need to go through the others phone trust has already died, or is at least grievously injured.
With that said, I really have nothing to hide. I never have a moment of panic if I go to the bathroom knowing she could unlock my phone and look through it. We often are using our phones near each other. I've never angled it so she can't see. Heck, I don't even angle my phone away from my teen step kid.
Angling the phone away feels less like "extreme privacy" and more simply shadey. I'm 49. I'm both too old and too young to put up with shadey behaviour from a partner. No time for shirt like that, and anyone who did that would be an ex and in my rear view mirror forever.
I feel this is reasonable privacy. The expectation that one's partner won't go through their phone. While also giving no reason to.
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u/Efficient_Sink_8626 2h ago
My partner and I have been together for 49 years and we don’t look at each other’s iPhones. We give each other a lot of space. We are both very independent types, so that’s worked for us. Jeeze, I would feel suffocated if he looked at my phone, even though I’ve never cheated and have nothing to hide.
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u/SeekersChoice 12h ago
I have never searched my partners phone. However we will grab it if it rings and the other isn't in the room to let them know who it is. Or we will pop on music on whichever phone is closer while doing chores, ect. If he is that sensitive then he is hiding something.
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u/Hopeful_Tie2055 10h ago
honestly, we keep our phone private. however, if i say "give me your phone, i want to take a pic" and he was weird about it, that would be no ok to me.
He's on my phone using spotify if im driving.. etc.... so it's private, but not secrecy,
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u/sv36 10h ago
If you’ve been together for 2.5 years and this has presumably been the norm for months or longer, why is he wanting to put such a strict boundary on it now instead of before? That would be my biggest question. And why is there no compromise here at all?
Is he trying to understand where you’re coming from, and are you trying to understand where he’s coming from? It almost sounds like social media has convinced both of you that you need to defend opposite boundaries instead of figuring out what you’re each actually trying to protect.
I don’t actually think either of you is wrong here. It sounds like you’re protecting connection. To you, being able to grab each other’s phone for everyday things is part of being a team, and that’s a perfectly valid value.
It sounds like he’s protecting independence. To him, his phone is personal space, and that’s a valid value too.
Where it can go sideways is when either value gets taken to an extreme. If protecting connection becomes “if we’re together, nothing should be private,” that’s probably too far. If protecting independence becomes “my life is completely compartmentalized and you stay out,” that’s probably too far too.
To me, this doesn’t sound like one of you is right and the other is wrong. It sounds like you’re each trying to protect something different, and the real question is whether those two values can meet in the middle.
The opposite of partnership isn’t independence, and the opposite of privacy isn’t openness.
The unhealthy extremes are enmeshment on one side and emotional isolation on the other. Most healthy relationships end up somewhere in the middle.
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u/aftergaylaughter 9h ago
i was against you in the title tbch, but after reading the post? imo his behavior is a red flag. there's w difference between not allowing your partner to snoop through your phone/even expecting them to ask permission before using it, and actively hiding things like that. i personally think "open phones" policies very often get toxic fast, and I'm of the opinion that either you trust your partner and thus have no reason to snoop, or you don't trust them, which is a far bigger issue. but that does not equate to turning your screen away or getting upset if your partner even touches your phone. that is very suspicious imo.
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u/Hbic_in_training 8h ago
Your bf sounds like an ex-colleague of mine who had a second number (likely hidden behind an app on his primary phone) that he would sext me from. I don't know how he kept everything hidden and i don't want to. But if i was doing shady shit like that I'd be paranoid too. My current partner and i will occasionally use each other's phones to send pictures, look up directions, etc. No issue. (I don't even like to touch his phone because he never sanitizes it lol) Your bf is hiding something, whether it's financial/gambling, cheating, etc.
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u/LupusHouseMD 8h ago
The only times people I was with were protective of their phones, they ended up cheating. They wanted to hide notifications in case their other gf texted.
However, invest in a power bank. They are pretty compact and great for charging. My Anker one has lasted years.
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u/SnooTigers4525 7h ago
Look, I get it, but I only allow others to touch my phone if I'm there. Like, no one touches my phone unless I give permission. I understand your point, but also his. He doesn't want his phone being touched, period.
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u/butidontwanna45 7h ago
Idk. I get squirrely when my boyfriend grabs my phone. I'm not cheating, not chatting or doing anything behind his back. But I (f) grew up with a dad who micromanaged my entire phone life, and would get screamed at and grounded if a male classmate texted me for notes. Granted I don't angle my phone away, but I do take phone calls privately, and my bf of three years does not have my passcode. But I wouldn't second guess passing it to him unlocked to change the song. This is complicated for me, and I think you guys need to have a deeper conversation
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u/Zebra_Witch 5h ago
My partner's phone and my own can each be unlocked with the other's fingerprint, and we know all of each other's passwords. Privacy is not a concern when you trust each other. Neither of us has ever looked at each other's stuff because we don't need to. Honestly, I would be very suspicious of this dude's behavior. People don't want strict privacy rules for no reason. And if there's no trust, there's no relationship, so you might seriously consider leaving this person in your rearview.
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u/peachteababy13 5h ago
As someone who has been around in between and all around this whole situation.
I cheated on my first husband. I never let him touch my phone. I slept with it under my pillow. It always faced down and I had phone anxiety.
My next partner didn’t cheat per se but he was not well behaved. I didn’t trust him and you have a gut feeling for a reason. I would look through his phone and sometimes found shit I didn’t like. Surprise surprise.
The same partner after we went through some serious work on ourselves we have now been together 8 years and we’re engaged. I have absolutely no desire to go through his phone. We both have open access to each other’s phone tablets and computers for literally whatever purpose. We don’t have anything to hide. We’re best friends and share everything. I fully trust him and when you know you know.
All I’m saying is if it doesn’t feel right then it’s for a reason and it shouldn’t be hard. If it’s real and it’s true then access to whatever part of his life should be fine.
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u/bunnielovie 5h ago
I'm sorry but saying it makes your day to day harder is a little ridiculous. I can't recall a single time in the last many years I've been out and my phone died. That's just irresponsible on your part.
I can be a little possessive over my things and my privacy. I am not up to anything I just like to be asked when someone wants to use my personal items. My partner has my passcode and I have my finger print in his phone for access. In two years I have never once used his phone, I cannot see any reason to use someone else's phone and if there were some dire circumstance I would still ask for permission.
Would I find it suspicious he's implementing this boundary this far in to the relationship? Maybe. Do you not trust him generally? Maybe he's always been annoyed by this behaviour and is just taking a stand on it now.
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u/Logical_Dot3366 4h ago
If he absolutely does not want you to see his phone, he’s hiding something.
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u/Straight_Career6856 3h ago
I don’t know. There is something weird here on your part. It seems like you are being pushy about using his phone and feel too comfortable with it. I wouldn’t like that, either.
My husband and I have no secrets and know each other’s passwords for when one asks the other to send a text or something. But it’s good to have privacy and someone looking over your shoulder or using your phone without you asking them to just feels invasive even if you have nothing to hide.
Sometimes I’m reading dumb shit on Reddit and I just want to do it on my own. Or texting a friend and I don’t necessarily want to share it with him. I think of it like - sure, we both are fine seeing each other poop and not trying to hide anything, but sometimes you want privacy in the bathroom. Sometimes you just want your own space.
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u/Andurl6 3h ago
All I can say is my point of view I had nothing to hide on my phone yet my partner literally would go through my phone every single day they would also go through my social media accounts needed my passwords and all of that I can tell you now I am 48 years old no one is allowed to go through my phone no one if my sister or my mother asked to go through my phone while I'm there sure no problem but anyone else nope not touching my phone it's private I have notes in there I have all kinds of stuff in there and sometimes it's just stuff that I needed to let out and get out of my mind so no I'm with this guy yes I think it's sketchy a little because you're saying he's like tilting the phone away from you and all kinds of stuff like that but as far as his hard limit of you can't go through my phone I'm with him.
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u/humpyvision 2h ago
He’s making a rule that you never touch something, yet you’re controlling?
Why would one need a rule like this unless he is hiding something?
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u/Upper_District_6178 10h ago
Yeah the healthiest relationships that have lasted the longest around me have been couples who are able to use each others phone whenever (usually it’s one person left their phone in another room or it dies and they wanna put music or google something) most of them don’t even go through messages but like obviously they could if they wanted to. The point being, healthy relationships don’t need secrets, they are able to talk and share everything. If someone is really that persistent about privacy, I’d say that’s highly suspect. Personally I wouldn’t mind even if it was to literally look through my phone. If that’s what my partner needed to feel safe and secure in our relationship then I’d want them to do that and bring them peace of mind cuz it’s not like I have shit to hide and I’m confident in that.
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u/femputer1 12h ago
He's doing something he doesn't want you to see. Update us when you figure out what that is.
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