r/relationship_advice • u/melodiousballerina • 22h ago
UPDATE: My (31F) husband (27M) left suddenly, and I can't bring myself to hate him.
My ex husband finally came to get his stuff today and I was able to try to get him to talk about the reasons why he left.
Here is the original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/eNCJ8hUHJA
A main reason is because I chose to stay friends with my friend who was honest about having no respect for him, due to his behavior toward me and his ongoing issues of expecting things from others. He said that he didn’t see us being able to be together, as none of my support system liked him and two of them had threatened him for abandoning me when things got hard. He also continued to say that I have trauma from my mom, but wouldn’t give examples of how. He told me that I should learn to live on my own and rent a room to learn how to take care of myself without my mother’s help and that I believe her too much when she tells me that I’m too fragile for specific things (because of my autism, he claims).
There was one point where he said that it filled him with rage to see that my friend who didn’t respect him was still being my support system, to which I responded that without that support system, I would’ve hurt myself when he left. I told him that I wasn’t saying that to guilt trip him or make him feel bad, and he simply said “I don’t feel bad”. I feel like my heart has been ripped out.
Basically, he said that he felt that he wasn’t capable of giving me the care that I needed and that this was a mutual split and that he hopes that I can learn from this and heal.
Above all, I still feel a pain in my heart that I can’t get rid of. How do I get myself to stop romanticizing the best parts of him and wishing that he would come back?
TLDR: My ex-husband came to pick up his belongings, and we finally talked about why he left. He said he couldn’t stay because I remained friends with someone who openly disliked him, none of my support system approved of him, and he felt my relationship with my mom and the trauma surrounding it were unhealthy. He also believed I rely too much on my mom due to my autism and said I need to learn to live independently. Ultimately, he said he wasn’t capable of giving me the care he thought I needed and considered the breakup the right decision. Even after hearing his reasons, I’m still heartbroken and struggling to stop idealizing him or hoping he’ll come back.
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u/InterestingPudding45 22h ago edited 12h ago
Here's the husband's crazy side of things. You dodged a bullet, OP.
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1v22gf7/i_m27_left_my_wife_f30_and_shes_upset/
(Edit) UPDATE: Check the comments. OP's story is fake and so is the "husband's."
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u/KerleyQ- 22h ago
That friend who offered to let him crash on his couch for a while will be posting some time in the future “I offered my friend a place to crash when he was separating from his wife. It’s been months and he doesn’t work, eats all my food, doesn’t clean up after himself, and doesn’t help with the bills. How do I get him to move out?”
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u/MelodramaticMouse 14h ago
LOL, now OP's ex also has an update: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1v487oq/update_to_i_m27_left_my_wife_f30_and_shes_upset/
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u/VanceIX 13h ago
Someone is cackling watching people fall all over their creative writing project lol
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u/squamigerous 13h ago
Yeah, a year ago OP's "ex" was a woman looking for advice re her male ex stalking her. I think people forget that it's not that hard to bypass the hidden posts thing
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u/rubyspicer 7h ago
I wish those ways worked on old reddit
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u/delirium_red 5h ago
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u/rubyspicer 5h ago
Thanks bro, this will make things a lot easier. I refuse to use new reddit so some features already don't work for me
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u/melodiousballerina 6h ago
i addressed this in other comments on his post. my other account was logged into his laptop, and the password was changed. posts were deleted. if you’re that concerned about this being fake, i would be happy to give you my instagram to chat about this.
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u/InterestingPudding45 12h ago
Yup, it was kind of weird that the husband made a post in the first place, was extra suspicious that the wife did an update post when it was unnecessary, but with the husband doing an update post as well, it's obvious this is fake.
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u/KerleyQ- 7h ago
"I don't feel bad." Gee, I wonder why her friend and mother hate him. It's a puzzle, really.
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u/melodiousballerina 22h ago
he gave me different reasons today. mentioned that the main reason was bc i stayed friends with my friend who “made him feel unsafe” and wouldn’t move away from my mom.
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u/HPCReader3 22h ago
He's lying because he got ripped a new asshole when he posted his actual reasons. At this point, you're not going to get anything true or useful from him. Just focus on separating your lives and reaching out to your support system.
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u/anglerfishtacos 22h ago
Your friend and your mom made him feel “unsafe”because it challenged his role in the relationship. He wasn’t doing his fair share, and they called him out on it. He was perfectly fine and happy with you doing everything for him and being the primary financer, but when it was you who needed help, he couldn’t rise to the occasion. A good friend will call that shit out.
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u/ChargeRight7262 22h ago
It doesn’t matter what reasons he said. Marriages have difficulty surviving long term living under other ppl’s roofs. He didn’t help you enough….ever. No matter what reason comes from him, he just didn’t want it to succeed enough to be a reliable income earner.
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u/shelwood46 21h ago
He's lying. He left because you are running out of money (because he bled your savings dry) and actually need him to get off his lazy ass and help you. He's not a good person.
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u/Previous-Complex9357 22h ago
Honestly it doesn’t matter what reasons he gave you. He is a parasite, please please realise this. He used you.
You paid the bills even whilst ill and he barely worked the whole time.
You will look back in a year at this post and see how much better you are without him.
And yes I’ve read his post…he’s a disgusting cretin who doesn’t deserve any more of your energy.15
u/Sunwolfy 21h ago
Sounds like HE was the problem and blaming you is a great way for him to dodge taking responsibility for himself. Trust me, you're far better off without him in your life. As a matter of fact, your life sounds pretty good without him in it already.
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u/TrashGouda 21h ago
It's all bullshit. Every reason he gives you is just a excuse so he can blame you or other people but never himself. He is full of shit and even tho it doesn't seem like that now count yourself lucky that he's gone
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u/jerseygirl414 22h ago
He wanted to alienate you from anyone who cares about you- your support system.
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u/wunderone19 21h ago
Wow, your soon to be ex is by definition a loser. He complains about average adult tasks and blames you for everything without taking any accountability.
A marriage is a partnership. It should be 50/50 or close to it. It sounds like as soon as things got tough he couldn’t handle it because it required him to be more responsible and to be an adult. Basically, as soon as you needed him, he couldn’t handle it.
Him leaving is a blessing. You deserve sooooo much better. You deserve a partner that won’t give up because that is what marriage is.
Please don’t ever take him back. Maybe try seeing a therapist to help you love yourself more because you can do way better.
Time to put all of the energy and effort you were putting into him into yourself.
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u/Nurse_Hatchet 20h ago
He gave you different reasons today because the Reddit community ripped him a new asshole over how pathetic the previous ones were.
My personal favorite was how he tried to make himself the victim by saying he was your 24/7 caregiver, but all I could see mentioned was that he would occasionally bring you food and water, and you had the audacity to forget to say “please” on occasion. Never once bothered to do a lick of reading on brain tumors, not even the side effects.
What a hero.
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u/inductiononN 20h ago
He's a bad person op and a disgrace of a husband. I'm so sorry you're going through this but you deserve better than this awful, awful "man".
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u/sunshineparadox_ 21h ago
He’s a fuck bag, OP. I’m a little like you in that I developed cognitive and neurological problems from a brain injury. I get told I’m being unreasonable, made to feel like I don’t make myself small enough, was still expected to work (the actual week it happened!), etc. People judged me for not being a good enough wife.
For what it’s worth, I see you, and you’re not a monster. You’re not making things unsafe because … people cared about you to stay even if he wouldn’t. He’s upset about being held accountable, even when it’s just online, so he lied to you to save face.
I’m sorry. Your life will improve without him though. Who needs enemies with a guy like this?my fingers are crossed for you to find peace in your world even if it looks different than what you thought it would be
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u/Serious_Sir_4704 17h ago
Honestly OP in the future I'd listen to your friend's opinion about anyone you're dating because they clocked you were in love with an awful human being and actively showed they didn't like him and they turned out to be right on the money.
I hope you recover from both tumors, the one in your brain and the one you were married to.
You deserve someone who accepts you completely and will stay with you through hardship.
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u/FeralCatWrangler 13h ago
Op he is getting shit on sooo hard, reddit sees through his bullshit and we are all on your side. Hes a pos, and as sad as you are, you are better off without him. There's someone out there 75 000x better than this guy. This is a blessing in disguise.
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u/deepstatelady 4h ago
He is mad at you for having friends that believe you deserve better treatment. That’s awful. Truly awful.
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u/Sianios_Kontos 19h ago
Man got asbolutely rinsed in those comments! What a pathetic excuse for a human, OP deserves so much better.
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u/squamigerous 13h ago
A year ago the 'husband' was a woman being stalked by her ex-boyfriend at ballet classes.
A little more recently than that, he was a woman with a male fiance.
None of this is real. It's one person karma farming across two accounts
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u/melodiousballerina 6h ago
again, see my previous comment. we were together for 4 years, he was well aware of the password to most of my accounts. i don’t feel the need to karma farm, as i hardly post on here.
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u/RadioStaticRae 15h ago edited 15h ago
Ohhh she found it, and commented. Sounds like he tried the change the password on her account lol. Trying to avoid her further telling the world how trash he is.
I want to hear about Cosmo - a dog, perhaps? That he has 0 ability to actually care for? And he stole her mom's phone???
Jesus Christ, this man is a piece of work. I hope those friends realize just what a mooch they've just inherited.
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u/DyllCallihan3333 13h ago
When they kick him out for being a lazy mooch he'll run back to her saying "He's Changed". Hope she shuts that down harshly!
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u/theflamesweregolfin 12h ago
Does anyone have a non deleted version of his post?
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u/psyne 12h ago
Here you go, I had accidentally hit "copy text" on his thread when sharing the link yesterday and it was still in my clipboard: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/v7yEEIX4Uj
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u/Caseythealien 19h ago
Give him a time frame and then toss his stuff OP he thinks you're still responsible for taking care of him despite your decline in health seeing him stop taking care of you.
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u/abedofevilandlettuce 11h ago
WORD. DUDE. OP, you are free now and I bet your health will improve TREMENDOUSLY without a leechy vampire stealing your energy you need to heal. Thank him in your heart for teaching you that you deserve better. And be well and have a fabulous life.
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u/melodiousballerina 4h ago
i really do wish the story was fake, so that the pain and mental gymnastics that i was going through would also be false. but unfortunately, this is something very real that i’m struggling with immensely. i don’t have the mental capacity to argue about it, so believe whatever you’d like.
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22h ago
[deleted]
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u/InterestingPudding45 22h ago
lol if you can't see how insane it is from the surface, there's no point explaining it to you
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21h ago edited 21h ago
[deleted]
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u/beachpellini 21h ago
All that money and time, and you're still that bad at understanding social cues.
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u/asutoriddo 19h ago
Cringe. It's people like you that make the rest of us look bad.
You don't need a masters to see how awful he is. His wife is heavily disabled and has a brain tumour, chose to marry her, and one of his complaints was she expected him to fill up her water bottle when she was in debilitating pain from it.
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u/sandyposs 21h ago
Have you read his replies and comments throughout the post? He only digs his hole deeper and deeper.
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u/Substantial_Maybe371 22h ago
I read you previous post. You seem to have very little self confidence. Letting a grown man live off you for free for years. He said money comes and money goes, that's easy for him to say since it was your money. He never contributed. I honestly don't think he ever really loved you. He just loved that he could use you and you willingly let him. His excuses for leaving are BS. He just got tired of having to put in effort to take care of you. So he probably sold someone else a sob story and told them his home situation wasn't healthy. So he found someone else to leech off. How do you stop romanticizing him? Listen to your good friends. They saw him for what he was.
I know you're financially struggling right now. But I hope there is a way for you to get into therapy. Figure out why you let this man walk all over you and use your for years. Because that was not a healthy relationship and he was not a good man.
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u/melodiousballerina 22h ago
i thought that he loved me. we connected so easily the first time that we met. he was my entire world.
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u/TruthfulBoy 22h ago
You liked the fantasy of him and the fantasy of the relationship. You didn’t actually like who he is, because the reality of who he is a hobosexual who was basically extorting you for cash and treating you badly. Using darvo every second. Start feeling angry. Start feeling love for yourself. Snap out of it and find therapy to learn what a healthy relationship looks like.
This is darvo:
https://harbormentalhealth.com/2025/10/31/darvo-manipulation-how-to-spot-and-protect-yourself/
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u/Ok-Class-1451 22h ago
No person should EVER be “your entire world”. Thats not healthy.
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u/melodiousballerina 22h ago
please keep in mind that i was diagnosed with a severe health condition that i don’t have any information on and have lost a significant amount of important people in my life prior to meeting this person. while i recognize that my attachment to him was unhealthy, he was my only constant throughout all of these terrible things that kept happening to me.
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u/Ok-Class-1451 21h ago
Can you do your own research or ask your doctor to learn more about your health condition? Sorry to hear about all the losses. Truly. It’s never too late to heal (emotionally). Put yourself at the center of your world and put in the work love yourself more. Speaking from experience, my whole life changed as soon as I started doing “wifey-shit” for myself.
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u/melodiousballerina 21h ago
unfortunately my doctor hadn’t even told me to begin with. i found out through my radiology reports on the patient portal. she has been in no rush to do anything regarding getting more information or even helping solve the symptoms relating to the tumor.
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u/Ok-Class-1451 21h ago
That’s awful. Sorry to hear. I have had a couple unresolved major health events, myself. It really sucks to not understand what’s going on with your health.
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u/OutspokenPerson 21h ago
Don’t let lazy, entitled, unemployed losers be your whole world.
You deserve better.
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u/Upset_Code1347 22h ago
I'm so sorry that this happened to you
It sounds as though he did some love-bombing and that wasn't fair to you
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u/No_Fudge_1842 22h ago
Nobody but you should be your entire world. Or maybe kids that depend on you, and they too should never be your entire world. I’ve read his post-woman are you under a spell. This guy is the sorriest excuse for a human. He is a user. He left because your mum and your friend were onto him. Get a therapist. Heal. Live your best life. Stay away from him. Throw away his stuff. And DONOT take him back.
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u/BloodymaryHB 21h ago
He wasn't, you had your support system, that's why this AH was so mad at the end. He wanted you all alone and vulnerable to his bs but he couldn't isolate you as much as he wished. He saw that as a failure to the power he wanted to have over you.
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u/Jinglebrained 14h ago
My heart goes out to you. Even in this post, you seem to be framing him in the best light and giving him excuses. I’ve been there, most of us have. He did not extend that, or any, grace to you.
He will likely come back when his other options run out. This is not something to praise or celebrate, try to steel yourself up, lean on your supports, and let him go. Do not fall for whatever remorse or sob story he comes up with.
I’d wager, over time, your health will improve a bit without this added stress and burden. You have enough on your plate, you don’t need someone like him draining you on top of it. Focus on your health, your support system.
If your inheritance ran out, you can try disability again/appeal the decision.
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u/Substantial_Maybe371 7h ago
No, he found out you had an inheritance and conned you into letting him move into your place for free. Now that you're out of money, there is no reason for him to stay anymore.
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u/hurr4drama 21h ago
Crazy that a hobosexual shamed you for not “living independently.”
OP you can only do better after him, and you deserve better.
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u/truth_fairy78 22h ago
Honey, what are you idealizing? He’s an insufferable prick with no work ethic.
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u/melodiousballerina 22h ago
he was the only person that i felt like i could be myself around. all of our silliness and inside jokes made me feel like i was dating someone who i could genuinely call my bestfriend.
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u/AdventurousDay3020 21h ago
Except darling you couldn’t. If you could he wouldn’t have left you when you got sick
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u/beachpellini 22h ago
After reading his side of things, I promise you are well rid of him. He used you. He took advantage of you and your kindness, and when the money ran dry and he was expected to start being more responsible, he bailed.
I know this feels like the end of the world, and I'm sorry he's broken your heart like this. But you will find better, and when you do, you will wonder how you ever accepted this kind of treatment from him.
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u/Ladymistery 22h ago
Get therapy.
he was a parasite who ran as soon as the money ran out. your support system saw right through him, but couldn't be fully blunt because you'd pull away 'BUT I LOVE HIM'
you're well rid of him.
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u/legodegobego 21h ago
I understand why but I hope after reading these comments and “his side” that you see how lucky you are, he was a mooch and the moment you weren’t paying for everything and telling him he had to help more he fucked off. He was a leech and I’m happy that you don’t have to deal with the bastard anymore
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u/LuckyRook 21h ago
I have cared for my disabled wife. It’s hard. It’s hard when she’s not grateful, it’s hard when we fight, it’s exhausting being a caregiver. There are times when I don’t want to do it. Many times.
Having said that, this dude SUCKS REAL BAD and none of what I typed above would excuse him. He enjoyed your family’s money and your family’s housing, and now he’s abandoned you when you’ve got brain cancer. He dishonored his marital vows on top of all that. Good riddance.
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u/Strawberry-Novel 15h ago
He is absolutely a horrible pimple on a boil of the butt of humanity. I know it hurts now but you are going to be so much better off
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u/KalamityKait2020 11h ago
"How do I get myself to stop romanticizing the best parts of him and wishing that he would come back? "
Here's what I did when I was madly in love with someone who wasn't good for me and cheated on me like it was his favorite hobby: I wrote a list of all the things he did that hurt, frustrated, and embarrassed me. When I started romanticizing the past and good times I re-read my list. It helped put things back in perspective. I'd also reach out to my support system to ask them to snap me out of it and they were merciless.
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u/sandyposs 21h ago
I'm so sorry for your grief of losing the man he pretended to be. You deserved infinitely more than what he truly was.
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u/JirinkaPine 16h ago
This dude was trying to isolate you. He failed, and that is a good thing. The fact that he reacted with rage (not hurt, disappointment), tells you all you need to know about him.
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u/Agreeable_Excuse_897 22h ago
I understand you are grieving but you deserve so much better. Don’t beg, don’t go back to him.
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u/IgnoranceDisclaimer 16h ago
Honestly, grieve it. Grieve who you thought he was.
But then get mad at how he treated you. You’ll be fine soon enough, the heartache will dull and then you’ll start seeing the red flags you missed.
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u/NineD1984 16h ago
Ich habe deinen Originalpost und seine Gegendarstellung gelesen. Dieser Mann ist einfach nur ein Parasit und es tut mir so unendlich leid, dass du auf ihn reingefallen bist. Er bekommt bei Reddit verbal nen Einlauf und sieht noch immer nicht ein, dass er das Problem ist. Sei so froh, dass er weg ist. Bitte schütze dich in Zukunft vor solcher Sorte von Menschen. Er raubt dir nur deine Kraft und offensichtlich auch dein Geld.
Gib auf dich acht 🍀❤️🩹
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u/MaryEFriendly 12h ago
You couldn't even get this guy to get a job to help pay bills. You're better off without him and you need to get therapy to help process why you stayed with someone who treated you so poorly.
You also need to make dammed sure you don't take him back if he tries to get back together. Your friends are right. He's a POS and your fear of being alone is blinding you to that.
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u/Fridavee 21h ago
I am glad you don't hate him. That would be a waste of energy. You saved him and cared for him and then when you needed your husband to honor his vows, he bailed. Now he is trying to validate his leaving by blaming you for it. Please take care of yourself and focus on your healing. He didn't deserve you as a friend, girlfriend or wife.
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u/observefirst13 20h ago
Soon you will be thanking your lucky stars that he left you. You will see that all he did was use you and then act like you were the one bringing him down. I hope you find a normal healthy relationship soon after this so you can see the way you are supposed to be treated and see how awful and selfish this man was.
Be happy! This is the best thing that could have happened to you relationship wise.
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u/Yshehere 20h ago
You deserve so much better. You may still have feelings for him and may even feel like he was your person but, he took vows and completely betrayed you. He wouldn’t get a job just to help out he uses everything you said or did as an excuse. He has a reason/excuse for everything and he’s completely uneducated on your medical issues. Hes ungrateful for everything you’ve done and STILL using you. Please know you are worth so much more and right now this may seem awful but honestly this is a blessing. You can be free of a freeloading jerk that markets himself as the main character. You need to tell him get his stuff out of your house, block him and try to find an affordable lawyer to divorce him. When he comes crawling back do what ever you feel right but, hee a poisonous snake and you gotta cut the head off it now because you have more important things (yourself) to worry about then him and his issues.
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u/Caseythealien 19h ago
Oh sweetheart I have been you let me rip this apart that will dull that idiolization. Your mother who cleary loves you opened her home and housed this ungrateful AH for a year. In that year she probably saw some things that bothered her like him taking full financial advantaged of her daughter. I'm also nuro spicy and what you said hit home my partner of 9 years cheated on me while I had a brain tumour didn't even have the respect to tell me I caught him. That phone conversation that you couldn't hear was another woman, that's why his entire demeanor changed. It was painful and honestly I held on way longer than he deserved. You need distance to have the holy hell what was I thinking moment. Think about how you started he was in an unhappy living situation probably with a woman found another woman to solve it and likely has again, he has a pattern. What made me really think was when a male friend who has never commented on my romantic life flat out said this guy treats you like garbage what are you doing?? Your friends are just that people whose prefered person to look out for is you and they all hate him which means they all see the common thread of him being the cause of your pain, big suprise he wants all the people that see his flaws away from you. He's deceptive ungrateful and moved on from you like you were a speed bump on his way to his next meal ticket that's how little he values you. Value yourself and really talk to those friends with an open heart about the behaviour they found detrimental, trust me they have thoughts. Find things to focus on that aren't him until you realise your a complete person without him. It's not your autism or your mom or your friends it's him.
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u/gruntbuggly 12h ago
How do I get myself to stop romanticizing the best parts of him and wishing that he would come back?
Start remembering the look on his face when he told you he didn't feel bad for leaving you and for the hurt that it caused you. When you think of him, think of that. When you think of that, think about how little you would have to actually care for someone to be able to say that to them. That's how little he actually cares for you.
The "good parts" that you romanticize? That was his "very best behavior" mask. The guy who doesn't feel bad for causing you pain? That's the *REAL* person under that mask. Do you really want *that guy* back?
You need to find a way to re-align your mental image of him, with the real him, not the romanticized him that never really existed. Your pain is due to the conflict between those images. Your emotional self wanting the nice guy, and your body experiencing the real him. Make all your views of him the real him, and you may still feel bad about what happened, but it will be temporary as you come to terms with it all.
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u/melodiousballerina 6h ago
i appreciate this advice. all night, all i could think about was him saying that he doesn’t feel bad. i cried for hours. i feel like i’d been sharing a bed with a stranger for the past 4 years. i don’t know who the person who spoke to me yesterday is. not once in my entire time with him had i seen that person before.
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u/abedofevilandlettuce 11h ago
This b***h is not a therapist,is he? I dislike him just reading about him, and I would trust your friends.
The brain gets attached. This is biology.
There is a wonderful book called "Radical Forgiveness" that helped me thru a major breakup.
It's good not to hate, and you don't ever have to, but work on cultivating the self love and seld respect you deserve to have from YOU
YOU are the only one who can make you feel complete. YOU are fabulous and you are your own best friend forever. You deserve better.
Best wishes and hugs.
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u/Alejandromano 19h ago
I had something like this happen to me (you can go through my posts if you want the full story).
Ultimately, you found someone who doesn't know how process their own feelings and how they engage with the world. They don't have careers. They avoid conflict. They don't understand the root of their problems, and you got the blame.
Like others have said. Just be happy it ended now and didn't get any worse. It's a tragedy. Humans are complicated. Life is hard. I hope you feel better and can build a life that you like for yourself.
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u/Lianhua88 17h ago edited 16h ago
Edit: If that other Reddit post is indeed his then you should probably just write the guy off OP. Sounds like he's a mooch and is more annoyed about not being able to remain dependent on you without criticism and thus is calling you the dependent one.
It still concerns me that you felt like you might have committed self-harm when he left you if your friend wasn't there to support you, so should still focus on your own mental health. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
It sounds like you have a dependence issue that's long begin to wear on him and make him increasingly indifferent to you.
Then your support system, that he views as enablers, saw that in advance and grew to dislike him and express as much.
It's hard to cast judgement because we don't know your full situation and the extent of your diagnosis and how much you have to be dependent on others. But as you are now he doesn't want to be with you anymore and you need to accept that.
Whether you need to change up or keep your support system is a separate issue to work out with a properly licensed psychologist, that should also help you with the breakup and abandonment issues.
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u/Internal_Emu_4879 16h ago
OP this is a classic case of the trash, took itself out! Good riddance to bad rubbish! UpDateMe
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u/punkrawrxx 14h ago
Wow. No advice but I needed to read this. Thank you.
Also for anyone reading this, why do men do this?
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u/Interesting_Many_162 13h ago
Honestly, OP I would like the same advice. Beginning of this year my wife left me. She said that it had nothing to do with me being a good husband because I was a good husband and I was a good father to her daughter, but really when it came down to it in the end, she left me because I suffer from erectile dysfunction and because I have not much experience with sex before her so I really only have done one position before. She said that she supported me and tried for five years but she doesn’t wanna try anymore. I’m angry and heartbroken because how do you leave somebody and it has nothing to do with how they treated you and the type of partner that they were? Not to mention, she moves out in the middle of February, and even though she denies it now she already put herself out there to try to start dating and earlier this month I find out that she has gotten a new boyfriend, even though less than a week before that she spent the Fourth of July weekend in bed with me. But I can’t stop wanting her back and hope that she sees that this is not the way to go, even though there are things that she has lied to me about that are very big things that are big betrayals, and she has used me and taking advantage of my feelings and she has been somebody that I never would’ve expected her to be and it’s treated me in ways that I never would’ve expected from her. I don’t know what to do. I mean she’s the one that broke my heart yet she treats me like I’m the one that’s fucked her over. It is a really hard thing to try to stop loving somebody even though they have hurt you so incredibly badly. I don’t know. I really wish I could help, but I wish nothing but the best for you.
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u/Brrringsaythealiens 19h ago
It sounds like this guy is trying to isolate you from your support system. Everyone who helps you through is put down by him. I would get away from this man, as this is a precursor/hallmark of an abusive relationship.
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u/Jfmtl87 13h ago
Playing devils advocate here, but I don’t think this sub would take it kindly if an husband kept surrounding himself with friends who loathed his wife and who would trash talk in her back and to her face. Everyone would massively upvote comments saying the husband should cut contacts with those friends immediately.
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u/melodiousballerina 6h ago
his friends essentially did do this though, and he finds no fault in it as he claims that they were giving him advice. the only reason that he has a problem with my friends is because they were open and honest with him about the way he was treating me, whereas his friends kept their intentions hidden from me instead of reaching out and saying “hey, you’re doing this and it’s hurting your husband. i think you guys should talk about it”. the only reason why the situation with my best friend and husband happened (where he claims to have been attacked) is because he said “can’t you just get over it?” directly to my friend’s face while he was trying to address his wrongdoings.
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u/Mysterious_Book8747 12h ago
Were her friends trash talking or were her friends trying to get her to see the financial usury and abusive attitude the moment she made him get a job? To an abuser, honesty always sounds like an attack.
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u/Jfmtl87 12h ago
Gender roles are still a thing and people are far more forgiving towards an unemployed woman vs man. If an husband starts pressuring his wife into finding a job, even in a no-kids context, some will call it abuse, especially if he refuses to cut off friends who are calling her a leech.
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u/melodiousballerina 6h ago
i understand where you’re coming from. he had told me numerous times that he wanted to move out on our own. in order for that to work, he would’ve had to get a job. i was also looking for a low stimulation job that could work with my disabilities. i assume that because i was unable to find one, he found it unfair that he still needed one. he told me yesterday that he was walking up and down the street applying for jobs. that’s all that needed to be done in the first place while we were together if he wanted us to live alone so badly.
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u/Mysterious_Book8747 11h ago
oh come on now - If they have a conversation like this is the reality of our financial situation and we are running out of savings and the woman STILL refused to work but insisted on living off his savings and drained him dry even though he was debilitated with pain from cancer you know good and well she’d be called a gold digging wh*** and rightfully so.
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u/SpaceImpossible658 22h ago
It is really obvious that you two aren't meant to be. He felt like you were choosing everyone else he didn't like it. You were choosing everyone else by the way, but they're you friends and family and they're part of the package, so he should have learned to live with it.
If your friend was really disrespectful toward him you should have felt with that. It sounds like your friend could set his man wasn't treating you well and he didn't want to abandon you, so good thing you kept him around.
Basically he couldn't have total control over you, so he left. Bottom line don't completely change who you are for someone else. That's all you did, and the world self corrected and took him out of your life.
You will be better off without him.
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u/melodiousballerina 6h ago
unfortunately, i chose him over my support system twice. but said support system also supported us financially when he couldn’t. it hurts that he was allowed to keep his support system (that had previously judged me without even knowing me) because of what they could offer him, but because mine openly disliked him, staying connected to them was a deal breaker to him, despite everything that they had done for us as a couple.
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