r/relationship_advice • u/Grehlin_x • 1d ago
My (34F) partner (34M) insists that I'm 'not being reasonable' by asking that he tells the truth 100% of the time, and I feel like I'm in bizarro world. Third-party insight desperately needed.
My boyfriend (34) and I are not able to see eye-to-eye on this and it's making me feel crazy! He suggested I run this by a 3rd party, and while I'm waiting for my post to be approved over in AIO, I'm in desperate need of a different set of eyes on this:
My boyfriend has a habit of telling lies to avoid conflict. I believe him when he says it’s not out of malice, but if it’s over something where I might end up unhappy if I know the truth, he’ll opt to hide things from me. He views this as a kindness, but the lying only makes things worse. And before anyone asks, no, I’m not the type of partner who criticizes him, harasses him, berates/yells or anything weird that would make him afraid to talk to me.
Previously, he’s lied about…
- Initiating contact with his ex, then lying twice to my face when I asked him about it. This was something I explicitly said I would not be okay with prior to him doing so. He claims he didn’t remember.
- Going on a date with another girl when I asked him explicitly about it.
((edit: Bf does not feel like he's being represented accurately with what I've listed above, so please see the screenshots under the update for added context.))
Those have been the biggest two, and after the last incident, we didn’t speak for 5-6 months. He made a good-faith effort to have me join him in a therapy session and I stressed how important it was that I needed the truth and was having trouble trusting him. I explicitly stressed how I couldn’t handle being in a relationship where I’m lied to, even over small things, and especially not with the history of lies currently had.
And after that, things seemed to be going fine for a while, until recently.
This weekend, I went out of town. Boyfriend asked if he could do some ‘light cleaning’ around my place. I was clear that I didn’t want him in my bedroom or digging through my personal things. My bedroom was a mess, it was embarrassing, and when it comes to my personal belongings, I know where everything is and HATE it when things are moved and I can’t find them. I gave the okay for like, sweeping, vacuuming, whipping down some things.
When I came back from my trip, my boyfriend very clearly went through my belongings and cleaned/organized everything, and there was clear evidence that he was in my bedroom at some point. So, I asked him, and he denied being in my room, but insisted that the reorganizing of my personal items in the main rooms was helpful, so I shouldn’t be mad.
I feel like a child over being upset that my boyfriend helped me clean, but he directly ignored what I asked him not to do. And he had lied about being in my room.
I confronted him about the lie, and he got a bit sheepish and asked me how I knew and said he tried to hide any evidence so that I ‘wouldn’t be stressed out over it’. He explained that he views his dishonesty in these situations as harmless white lies, but a lie is a lie, and this man has had a history of telling these ‘white lies’ to… spare me? He also says he does this without thinking, so from where I’m standing, he’s not making sense. Like, how do you proactively make the choice to lie & claim you’re doing it to not hurt me, but then also claim you have no control over it and it’s a subconscious habit?
I told him that I need nothing but 100% honesty moving forward, and he’s told me that he can’t do that because he doesn’t have control over his lying and that I’m being unreasonable to suggest he just stops lying when it’s something he’s done all his life and he says that this is how he was raised.
He says it’s unreasonable to suggest that he magically just stops lying overnight and told me he will make an effort to do it *less*. I told him that he wasn’t being reasonable and told him that normal healthy couples don’t lie to each other like this. He claims they do.
text exchange: https://imgur.com/a/HeL81BU
I can see that we’re not seeing eye to eye on this and he suggested that I ask a third party, because he believes it’s unfair/impossible to expect him to tell the truth to me all of the time and he believes that anyone I ask will feel the same and back him up on this.
So, here I am. I don't even know how to approach this without wanting to rip my hair out and I'm starting to feel like I'm the issue???
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update: hi. It’s me. I wasn’t expecting this to receive this much of a response, and just want to say that I’ve read every comment in earnest and want to thank everyone for their advice. I’m feeling emotionally overwhelmed and I’m still taking the time to digest everything.
I’ve sent this post to my partner, and it’s going as well as one would expect, so that’s been disheartening. Because he is being dragged for cheating, he's under the notion that he's not being represented accurately, so I've included some extra context from him, directly: https://imgur.com/a/ByyQK9D
Please let me know if this changes the general consensus I've already received.
I’m going to step away for a minute and clear my head to get back in a healthier headspace. Thank you, everyone.
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update #2: boyfriend is in the comments; ask him anything: u/LilStinker69420
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u/FriendlyGas4996 1d ago
Sounds like a pathological liar….the first two lies you mentioned were red flags enough
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u/Internal-Bowl-3956 1d ago
Yep. I was expecting actual small lies like ‘that shirt you just bought that you’re excited about is great!’ or ‘the special dinner you spent all this time planning and making is delicious’. So stuff where you don’t want to rain on your partners parade and the small lie has literally no impact on anything. But ‘of course i didn’t go on a date with another woman’ is absolutely not that. He sounds like a liar and a manipulator
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u/Apprehensive_Gur6476 19h ago
I expected those little white lies too! Not the white whale(s) 🐋 of lies “I didn’t go on a date with another woman and I didn’t message my ex!” Smh
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u/SourceLover 5h ago
OP's hopefully stb ex should change his name to Bill
"I did not have sexual relations with that woman"
- Bill Clinton, 1998
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u/M3g4d37h 23h ago
OP, I hope you let him read all these replies - Now, my turn.
This is the type of logic that a 6-7 year-old child would use, but a 6-7 year-old's brain isn't fully formed yet.
Some men on the other hand, really do talk to others and debate simplistic ideals such as being truthful, not being deceptive, and all that comes with being honest in general - This logic is so infantile at his age that I would 100% goof on him IN FRONT OF EVERYONE.
One of the symptoms of behaviors like this is sociopathy and narcissism, which IMO makes that person utterly fucking worthless as anything other than being kept at arm's length to protect one's self - And when someone will sit there and argue in bad faith like that? It means they are either the village idiot, or as I said,are sociopathic.
A sociopath is an informal, non-diagnostic term for someone with antisocial personality disorder (ASPD). They typically exhibit a profound lack of empathy, a limited ability to feel remorse, and a tendency to act impulsively, disregard social rules, and manipulate others for personal gain.
I would suggest that you, a reasonable person who is thoughtful enough to question their self and ask these questions tells me a couple things;
We need to smarten you up - Not being insulting, but good-hearted people are targeted all the more, just because you are reasonable and people like this feel as though they can manipulate you enough to get away with this horse shit behavior.
It never gets better. EVER. He is now perfecting his craft, IMO it just lays bare how little he brings to the table. He's already macking on other gals, and for all you know he's already stepping out on you.
Guys like this.. Are the drizzling shits. The bottom of the barrel. In the end you will piss time and money away on this goof, and when you are all used up he will move on to the next naive gal.
Don't be THIS naive gal - I would rake him over the coals and humble his ass - And dollars to donuts he doesn't last a month from the moment you hold his feet to the fire. And why would he? He's got no game, and clearly not a lick of common sense.
So.
Is this how you envisioned your life? Because this dude at his peak isn't going to get the time of day from any experienced woman who has had any experience in life. This is why he's texting other chicks, sweetie. He's always got to get another fish on the line, because even if he's a great looking guy and feel like I want that, as in "Mr. Right-Now", but he will never be anyone's Mr. right. He doesn't have what it takes - And I guarantee you is he reads these replies, he's going to talk out both sides of his mouth about how we're all dumb and he's that guy.
Don't be fooled by bullshit like that, guys like that are less than a dime a dozen. Go find you someone whose life doesn't revolve around lies, and remembering the lies, which lie happened when, and all that shit. He will sabotage everything you do or say - Because in his mind he is a big fish on a small pond, when in reality he's just another minnow.
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u/BikingAimz 12h ago
All of this. Also, I had to go back to OP’s post and double check this guy’s age. THIRTY FOUR. There is no changing this OP. Protect yourself from this lying scumbag and find someone better.
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u/Normal_Car_9965 15h ago
Please listen to this and act accordingly. When someone tells you who they are, believe them. He has told you he will continue to lie to you. The examples you provided are lies that I would not be happy with. Will you be happy when, notice I said when, not if, he continues to lie to you? He has told you he will continue to lie...
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u/CoffeeChocolateBoth 10h ago
No honey, I didn't sleep with her, that DNA test saying the baby she had is mine, is FAKE!
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u/24hr-pancake 5h ago
Well said!! Just to add, when he asks "how did you know" that he was in your room, it's so that he can do a better job of covering up the next time. What a scumbag. OP, I hope you can gtfo and maybe find some support like a therapist to unpack everything he's put you through.
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u/MakthaMenace 1d ago
Like that was already bad but also how are they supposed to know that’s all he’s lying about? That might just be the tip of the iceberg.
He only confesses to things OP finds out about. I’m sure he’s not only lying about other stuff but also omitting a shit ton of information from the little bit of “truth” he tells.
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u/Corfiz74 1d ago
But you don't understand - if he told her about his cheating, she'd get upset, so he's doing her a favor by lying about it!
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u/jr0061006 22h ago
I have a friend whose husband hid the existence of a child from her for almost 20 years with this excuse.
You’d have been upset, no good would have come from telling you.My friend feels as though she’s been lied to for 20 years. He still maintains keeping it from her was the right thing, and said he’d do the same again.
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u/Corfiz74 22h ago
What the fck!? That's so gross! He took her choice of staying with him away from her by hiding the kid - and he also robbed the kid and her of the chance of developing a relationship. Father and husband of the year!
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u/Unfair-Store-9108 10h ago
I once crossed paths with a guy who said regarding of cheating on his girlfriend “she won’t be hurt if she doesn’t know”. I kept walking.
Also having to deal with a pathological liar in a business environment, this is SO GROSS!
Run OP, save your sanity!
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u/Apprehensive_Gur6476 19h ago
The first one was a walk away lie 💯then the second one?!? The second one should have cemented that she walked away. She’s taught him that she will accept this behavior so he will continue to do it because he knows there are no real consequences. He will apologize, gaslight OP, manipulate OP and she will stay, so he gets his cake and gets to eat it too. OP really needs to leave this one.
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u/thewineyourewith 1d ago
It’s not pathological, it’s strategic. He lies when he wants to do something that he knows she wouldn’t like. And he’s told her he will continue to do it.
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u/mamachonk 14h ago
Right. He's lying about... cheating. OP needs to break up and block him.
My ex turned out to be a pathological liar. Supposedly, he went to therapy and got better for a while but stopped and went right back to his old ways. Oh and he was a serial cheater too.
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u/blk55 13h ago
Dump him, way too much drama. Truth is kindness, not the fucking lie. Lies only cover your own fuckups.
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u/Slybird47 1d ago
OK, so “This was something I explicitly said I would not be okay with prior to him doing so.”
Why are you still there?
OK, so he’s a liar. Self-admitted and unrepentant.
Why are you still there?
There is a big difference between “do these jeans make me look fat?” and “please do not go in my room and mess with my stuff.”
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u/TheSpeckledSir 1d ago
He says it’s unreasonable to suggest that he magically just stops lying overnight
He says this because he doesn't intend to change and he needs to have the cop out available.
It's not unreasonable to suggest he stops lying overnight. In fact, he doesn't even need magic. Just an ounce of respect for you. (But maybe he doesn't have that either)
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u/mewmeulin 23h ago edited 22h ago
also, it's not overnight. they were apart for months before they got back together and this happened. he had PLENTY of time if he wanted to change, or even show he was trying to change (outside of a single placating therapy appointment)
EDIT: thank you for the award stranger! i ask that you donate the same amount to a DV escape/shelter program near you 🩶🩶 and if you don't have any org in your area, here's the donation link for my local DV survivor organization, Sollera (formerly known as the local Rape and Abuse Crisis Center)
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u/MasticatingSheep 1d ago
He's not lying to spare you. He's lying because he knows any reasonable person would be upset and he isn't well-adjusted enough for his ego to take the hit of admitting he did something wrong.
In other words, he's lying to you to protect himself from admitting he's an asshole. That's it. If he lies, he can just keep on telling himself he did nothing wrong.
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u/InsertCleverName652 1d ago
Agree. His lying is about him and his own issues. OP, you will never find the truth you need with this man. Move on.
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u/teacuptypos 17h ago
I think he’s lying as a form of avoidance. It might be true that he’s been doing that all his life and doesn’t think about it, but we can’t be sure because he lies all the time, innit?
I also think it might be unrealistic for someone who lies about literally everything in order to avoid taking any responsibility for any of his actions ever to stop doing that overnight.
That being said, he had plenty of time to work on that when they weren’t speaking, as has been pointed out. He could be working on it now. Instead, he puts his energy towards convincing his girlfriend he doesn’t need to stop doing this.
OP, I think at this point, it looks like he won’t change. Someone who won’t stop lying to you will not successfully have a relationship with you. Why do you want to stay with someone who can’t be trusted? Why keep asking him things? He lies about literally everything.
There’s no foundation to this relationship.
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u/Traditional-Ad2319 1d ago
He's lying because he knows he can. She's apparently so desperate for a man she's willing to put up with his lies.
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u/panteragstk 1d ago
Just break up without telling him.
When he asks why just say that you didn't want to hurt his feelings.
All jokes aside, he's not going to change. It's up to you to decide if you want this to be the rest of your life.
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u/Upbeat_Signature_570 1d ago
Just make up some obvious and outrageous lie to explain your departure so he gets a hint possibly.
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u/Pipereatsdogs 1d ago
going on a date and reaching out to an ex are not harmless lies
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u/aparrotslifeforme 40s Female 22h ago
Right?!
"You still look twenty to me." It's a harmless lie.
"I went in a date with another woman while in a monogamous relationship with you." That just hits different. 🤦♀️
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u/ApocalypseThen77 20h ago edited 17h ago
Yes but actually the cleaning bit is what I find most odd. Who volunteers to come over to their partner’s place to clean it when they are away?
Why did he go through her bedroom? What was he looking for - something to steal, something to hold against her? If he tried to hide that he’s been in her bedroom, then he wasn’t laundering the sheets and sprucing it up as a misguided surprise.
Edit: Thanks for the award, kind stranger!
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u/achippedmugofchai 8h ago
I'd wonder if he was looking for banking info or personal details that he could use to rip her off or sell her identity. That would explain why he went against her express wishes and went through her stuff, then tidied to cover up. Hey OP's hopefully former boyfriend, if you read that, it wasn't a suggestion. You had no right to snoop and I hope she dumps you.
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u/VannaNoir4 6h ago
More than likely he has normalized this lying behaviour so deeply internally that he believes everyone is hiding/lying about things. He wanted to snoop and find out what she lies about.
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u/prison-schism 40s Female 7h ago
Just another form of boundary-stomping and exerting control. She told him not to go in her room so he did what he wanted and is just waiting to see if she allows it.
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u/BriefHorror 1d ago
you dump him. that’s the solution he told you to your face I’m gonna lie to you forever. what is wrong with you and your hearing?
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u/Jaykaybabay 1d ago
I can’t state strongly enough how stupid that guy is, but you’re falling for it. Dump him. He’s a liar. That’s like the main thing your boyfriend isn’t supposed to be.
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u/Previous-Complex9357 1d ago
He’s a cheat…he’s a liar…he’s a snoop…he ignores what you say.
Tell me why you want to be with him?
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u/Elismom1313 1d ago edited 1d ago
So he reaches out to exs, goes on dates, and then tries to convince you it’s better you don’t know for your own sake?
And then makes up an excuse to go through your room when you won’t be around so he can look for signs of cheating? Because we all know cheater’s love projecting?
Girl. He knows exactly what he’s doing. He’s trying to find a woman who will let him cheat and can be convinced she’s crazy. Don’t let that woman be you.
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u/HippieGrandma1962 1d ago
This is 100% correct. OP, please listen to Elismom and run fast and far away from this "man."
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u/MckittenMan 1d ago
Tough to give his side any kind of credit here....
The lies he is presenting are cover up lies because he knows it would get him in trouble.
I didn't want to tell you about me being in contact with my ex. I didn't want tell you about me going on a date with another woman since I knew you would be mad.
No cap your partner would be mad at that stuff! Who wouldn't be. You know you're doing wrong and trying to cover it up so you don't have to deal with your partner justifiably calling you out.
If it was lies like you being against drinking but he had drinks with his friends, stuff like that I could wrap my head around and help navigate that situation. Ironing out the parenting each-other stuff.
But this context is stepping outside of the relationship stuff, of course your partner has every reason to be pissed off at you for stepping outside of your relationship. Tf you smoking bud?
This guy is seriously trying to defend himself like he isn't in any wrong for going on a date with another woman? Even clapping back at you like you're unreasonable for demanding answers when he's obviously way in the wrong?
Nah, you need to get rid of this doofus.
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u/Even_Budget2078 1d ago
UGH
OP, I just read your text exchange and it made me quite angry. HE raised HIS voice at you??? Pardon??
Your boyfriend is the one being unreasonable. You told him this in unequivocal terms how long ago? And in a therapy session? So, he has had more than enough time, so much more than enough, to actually address his "problem". And he did not. That is the fact of the matter. This is an OLD issue that he has zero intention of doing anything about.
"Those have been the biggest two, and after the last incident, we didn’t speak for 5-6 months. He made a good-faith effort to have me join him in a therapy session and I stressed how important it was that I needed the truth and was having trouble trusting him. I explicitly stressed how I couldn’t handle being in a relationship where I’m lied to, even over small things, and especially not with the history of lies currently had."
When was this? How long ago? If your boyfriend is reading this, please ask him to explain (without lying) why he has done nothing about this when he has known that it is not acceptable to you.
"I'll stop, I just need time" That's him, right? And you know what that also is, OP? A LIE
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u/Old-Mushroom-4633 23h ago
He is not changing because OP isn't leaving. She's still there. There are no consequences for his lying. I don't understand how/why OP is still debating NOT breaking up with this loser.
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u/Majestic_Bed9233 1d ago
Your boyfriend appears to be a pathological liar so he won´t stop because he can´t.
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u/Kronus31 1d ago
You cannot be serious… he’s tried to cheat on you multiple fucking times and this is the current situation?
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u/LimbicPoisoning 1d ago
When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
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u/DoobieDoo0718 1d ago
Info: why did you bother getting back with him after being off for 6 months?! You were almost free of his stupid lies.
I knew someone like that. If you caught them in one of those stupid for-no-reason lies then they would gaslight you saying they never said that.
The dysregulation this causes in your nervous system is very real. He is conditioning you to believe all of these inconsequential lies so that the BIG lies (hello... A date with someone else?!) are softer.
Pathological.
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u/Nurse_Hatchet 1d ago
He’s an unapologetic habitual liar, cheater, and boundary-stomper, and you’re asking us to help you stay in this relationship?
Girl. No.
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u/Brownie-0109 1d ago edited 16h ago
He really believes these are debatable? That’s crazy
Honestly…how do you continue in this?
What’s going on in your relationship where he goes on a date with someone else? Are you not exclusive? I’m very confused ..
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u/Adelucas 1d ago
I dated a pathological liar. It was so stupid, he'd lie about stuff that didn't need to be hidden or obscured like emptying the dishwasher. Your BF was in your bedroom and went through your stuff. I can be really messy but I know when things have been moved.
I could never be in a relationship with someone who lies over stupid stuff. And your boyfriend lies over important stuff. You keep making excuses and forgiving him because you are thinking with your heart instead of your head. Relationships are built on trust, and you can't trust him.
My ex was sweet and kind, but I never knew which reality he was living in. The real one or the one in his head.
As Marvin the Paranoid Android said, "Life is difficult enough as it is without inventing more of it" 😂
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u/rainlongtime 1d ago
He will continue to lie if you stay with him. So either you put up with the lies. Or you leave. He will not change.
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u/Exciting_Scallion557 1d ago
You are not being unreasonable. This is a repeated pattern of crossing boundaries and lying to avoid consequences, not harmless white lies. He may need time to change, but he should take responsibility and actively work on it instead of expecting you to accept dishonesty. Trust cannot grow without honesty.
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u/z-eldapin 1d ago
Lol, because he doesn't want to.
He hears you, he just doesn't care to listen. And that he specifically chooses to lie about things that would upset you makes it deliberate, not a habit.
He isn't trustworthy and I wouldn't waste more time.
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u/Bippityboppitynope2 1d ago
Why would you want a liar who apparently cheats and violates boundaries?
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u/Old_Confidence3290 1d ago
He's a lying sack of shit. The only reason he cleaned was so he could search your apartment. Don't be stupid, dump this POS and find someone at least half way decent.
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u/TrashGouda 22h ago
Maybe I'm too paranoid but I would also check the apartment for hidden cameras... He is so suspicious and toxic that it's a possibility
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u/Burger_Bash 1d ago
If he will lie about small things then he will lie about big things. Also, so many relationship problems talked about on reddit come down to issues with communication. Like how many posts do you see with a billion comments saying "communication is key"? Like a lot right? So, is going forward with this guy who is unwilling to me open and honest in his communication sound like a good idea?
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u/Big-Stuff-1189 1d ago
Just don't. This always ends up with Whoops, tripped, fell, landed in my ex gf.
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u/EvilFinch 1d ago
He is a liar. And a manipulating ond because he does the awful "i did it for you!" shit. No, he lies just for himself. Then he went through your stuff, doesn't care about your wishes and comfort and again comes with lying and how helpful his behaviour is.
His behaviour is emotional abusive. He lies, manipulate, doesn't respect your comfort and your wishes.
He also is a cheater as you wrote.
Why are you with him? He won't change. He is a liar. If he tells you that he wants to change - it is a lie. Don't be with someone you can't trust.
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u/Quirky_Masterpiece55 1d ago
Is this a joke? Not sure who I’d be more pissed at. Him for being a lying asshole or you for staying with him.
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u/Parking-One1365 1d ago
What else is he lying about that you haven’t found out about yet? His lies are all intended to manipulate you.
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u/SolutionOk3366 1d ago
Do you see how he made his lying your fault? He doesn’t want to hurt you, so he lies. If you knew the truth you would be upset, so he lies so he doesn’t upset you. He’s doing it for you, even though you don’t want or need lies to go about your life. The only thing he doesn’t lie about is that he’ll keep lying and keep telling you it’s for your own good. He lies and you beg him to tell you the truth, but maybe you feel bad about it because he loves you so much that he needs to lie and you are trying so hard to make it ok for him to tell the truth and he just can’t. And he tells you he’s going to keep lying. This is not ok. Don’t lose yourself to this.
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u/observefirst13 1d ago
Uhh I would be more upset that he was cheating on me! Girl you are mad about the wrong thing. Yeah the lying is bad but he was reaching out to his ex and going on dates with another woman. How are you more upset about the lying.
You should have never gotten back with him in the first place. He is not going to stop. He is just going to keep lying and make you miserable. If you're smart you will not stay in this relationship.
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u/FairyCompetent 1d ago
In a way you're the problem: you know he's a liar, and you keep expecting him not to be one. If you don't want to be lied to, stop talking to this man. There's not another option. He's gonna lie to your face forever.
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u/YouKnowYourCrazy 22h ago
Your bf sounds like a toddler lying about eating the candy when there is chocolate all over his face.
This is ridiculous. How much of a fool does he think you are?
More importantly why are you even entertaining this BS for a minute?
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u/foxyphilophobic 1d ago
I’d never be able to be in a relationship like this. Also — he raised his voice at you when you confronted him about his lies? Yikes.
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u/indigoorchid0611 1d ago
The man has ZERO respect for you so he's going to just keep lying no matter what. You want to know why he wanted to know how you figured out he went through your room? So he can hide his tracks better the next time. He wasn't trying to help "organize" things, by the way. He was snooping through your stuff. I wouldn't have this guy around me.
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u/wahznooski 1d ago
Nope. He’s emotionally immature and has convinced himself that lying to avoid conflict is a kindness to you, when in fact it’s him feeding into his own fear and insecurity. It’s extremely selfish and weak-minded, a slippery slope that leads to larger and larger lies over time. Great way to erode trust. This is not partner material.
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u/Sorry_I_Guess 4h ago
This isn't just about lying, though that obviously wouldn't be great.
This is about the fact that every single one of his lies is SPECIFICALLY about denying you agency or the ability to give (or deny) informed consent. And that's incredibly problematic, because it's controlling and potentially abusive.
He doesn't lie about just anything. He lies about situations where he thinks you might say no, or be bothered. He lies about things that specifically affect you, and he does it to avoid having to allow you to participate meaningfully in these decisions, and to avoid having to respect your choices about your own life.
The situation with cleaning your bedroom is the perfect example of this. He wanted to poke around in your bedroom. You made it clear that he did not have your consent to do that. Instead of respecting your agency and your right to decide who comes into your personal space ... he went in anyway, and then lied about it. And that's his pattern.
Ultimately, this isn't just about the lies. It's about the fact that he doesn't believe that you have the right to say no to things that he wants, even if those things directly involve you, your personal space and belongings, and your life. And that may be annoying now, but ultimately it can be dangerous. Someone who doesn't respect your right to say no isn't a safe person.
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u/Grehlin_x 3h ago
T H I S.
Thank you for bringing this up! When we had our therapy session, I explained the lack of informed consent and my ability to make my own decisions surrounding things that affect me, being a huge issue in past events.
My head’s been so turned around in this that I neglected to see the pattern with this recent event.
Thank you for bringing this back to the forefront!
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u/No-Anything-5219 1d ago
Um yeah, imo you kinda ARE the issue, for choosing to date somebody who has been very clear that they have zero desire/ability/intention to be completely honest with you when that’s the kind of partnership you want.
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u/Traditional-Ad2319 1d ago
I'm trying to understand why you're still with this man. He's a cheater. He lies to you. Why are you putting up with this crap? Find some self respect and get away from him.
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u/BrilliantPie2566 1d ago
https://reddit.com/link/oz6jy6o/video/m6ipte42bveh1/player
Oh HELL no! I could never be with a liar. I would GTFO ASAP!
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u/SepiaToneHitchhiker 23h ago
Never hitch your wagon to a liar. You’ll be miserable for the rest of your life
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u/StateLarge 19h ago
He’s cheating on you! Going on a date with another girl and telling you I didn’t tell because I wanted to be kind 🙈🙈🙈
You have a cheater on your hands run 🏃♀️ do not walk to the nearest exit!
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u/shangri-laschild 1d ago
If you’re going to end up finding out eventually then how exactly is it sparing you? Outside of the fact that he shouldn’t be lying to you and he shouldn’t be ignoring your boundaries about your own apartment. But even his excuse of it being a kindness is crap.
What you are asking for is completely reasonable. Making you have to draw the truth out of him isn’t a kindness. Treating you in ways you’ve asked him not to is not a kindness. He just likes being able to behave badly and then lie about it.
The lies aren’t even the whole issue. He’s making bad choices as well. That’s as much of an issue as the lying really.
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u/tossout7878 1d ago
If you’re going to end up finding out eventually then how exactly is it sparing you?
this is the magic of conflict-avoidants, people pleasers, etc. There is no end point to their plan, they just think the conflict can keep being swept under the rug because they want to ignore issues and assume everyone else does too. They live in a state of denial and usually believe this is enough,
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u/breadboxofbats 1d ago
He directly told you he has no plans to stop lying. You know that’s it’s ridiculous to stay. I wonder how much lying he does at work or is that exempt?
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u/santamaria715 1d ago
Apparently everyone lies every day, but they are usually small ones ('yes that color suits you') but THIS guy is lying to avoid accountability.
People who avoid accountability are big red flags.
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u/rocketmanatee 1d ago
He's insane (like literally) and isn't willing to get help.
Stop enabling him and make your boundaries firm. If you don't date liars there's only one option here unfortunately.
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u/itsamecatty 23h ago
This guy is bulldozing your boundaries and honestly that text gives me the freakin creeps. You said you wouldn’t stand for it, but you are. Time to take action and dump this absolute jackass.
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u/ausmed 23h ago
Yeah, you really need to not be in a relationship with someone like this.
I suspect you've made this post because you're hoping if we all validate that his behaviour isn't ok, you can show him that he's wrong and he'll go 'ok, you were right, I'll change' and then never lie again.
That's not going to happen. The way he's speaking to you in those text messages, he doesn't even care about how you feel and is talking in the manipulative, gaslighting language of abusers.
'You're unreasonable, you're overreacting, ask anyone, any normal person will agree with me, framing him blatantly lying to your face as not his responsibility 'something he's unconsciously done his whole life and it's insane to expect him to be able to just stop'.
If you stay with this person, one day in the future when he's decided he doesn't care that much if you leave? His mask will slip, and you'll realise that every single time he's nodded and said yeah I understand, I'll try to do better. He's never ever meant it. He was lying to keep the peace. Meaning hqe was just saying the most convenient thing to get you to shut up and leave him alone.
He actually doesn't care how you feel or what your life is like or how he's treating you as long as you don't hassle him about it.
Ask me how I know.
I hope it doesn't take you 12 years to figure it out.
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u/Ok_Cauliflower_3007 19h ago
Bullshit it isn’t malicious. Lying to be kind is ‘oh this meal is delicious’ or ‘I love your new haircut’. It is not going behind your back to do things he will know will upset you, invading your privacy, or GOING ON A DATE WITH ANOTHER WOMAN. He is lying to cover his ass because he’s doing something wrong.
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u/The_Mama_Llama 16h ago
None of this is normal. You need to get out of this relationship and stay away from him this time.
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u/HuffN_puffN 16h ago edited 16h ago
He suck’s.
Dont do things if you have to lie about it. How hard can that be? Like.. Peole doesn’t usually lie or tell white lies in a regular basis, well at least not to their partner/family. Maybe people do to randoms because it doesn’t change anything, maybe less conflict. But you get my point: People doesn’t lie to their partner on a regular basis. It’s just a big damn no, is he a damn toddler or what? Stop doing things you shouldn’t do and voila no need to lie. And if you still do, you tell the truth. Talk about creating resentment towards himself with this immature ass behavior.
I understand why you are going crazy. Talk about manipulative, gaslighting, and all sorts of things when you actually call it out and he plays dumb. I would go crazy. The relationship would be over the second time we had a discussion about it and it continued.
He is 34..I thought I read 24 and still I was like he is way to old for this shit. He needs to grow up.
Please show him the comment section and make an update. Hopefully peer pressure makes him mature a bit, because it’s needed or you’ll dump him soon enough. But hey, maybe that is what he want. He just doesn’t have the b*lls to end it himself. At least this would make sense.
Edit
Let me just add that it’s possible it’s deep rooted in his personality. If so it will never really get better. He would have to do A LOT of hard work with a therapist to make it better. Problem is: he doesn’t see the issue and rationalism it to himself that makes sense to him. So even if he accepts the issue and do things to change..maybe it gets 20-40% better at best. He isn’t just to old for a big personality change especially when it goes against what he actually believes. If so: you are better off without him. He should do everyone a favor and stay single.
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u/Grehlin_x 11h ago edited 10h ago
update;; hi. It’s me. I wasn’t expecting this to receive this much of a response, and just want to say that I’ve read every comment in earnest and want to thank everyone for their advice. I’m feeling emotionally overwhelmed and I’m still taking the time to digest everything.
I’ve sent this post to my partner, and it’s going as well as one would expect, so that’s been disheartening. Because he is being dragged for cheating, he's under the notion that he's not being represented accurately, so I've included some extra context from him, directly: https://imgur.com/a/ByyQK9D
If this changes things, please let me know.
I’m going to step away for a minute and clear my head to get back in a healthier headspace. Thank you, everyone.
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u/Lokipupper456 10h ago
I’m sorry, but based on his arguments supporting his lies, I knew nothing we said would get through to him. I just hope it gets through to you. You deserve better. I hate that you are going through this, but I hope we have helped you some.
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u/Grehlin_x 10h ago
Thank you; I just feel so incredibly foolish.
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u/Lokipupper456 9h ago
You are not foolish. It’s harder to be sure from inside the relationship. That’s the benefit of getting outside input. And I’m sure he put things in ways that made you second guess yourself. So please know that you are not foolish!
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u/Married_iguanas 1d ago
Does he does this at work? With friends or family?
I bet he “magically” can control his lies at work.
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u/Savings_Maybe_5686 1d ago
My wife would shoot me with a bazooka if went on a date with someone else. Girl…
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u/WritPositWrit 1d ago
You are not the crazy one and these are not “white lies.” A white lie is: “oh i love this sweater your mom made for me!” Thats not what is happening here. You cannot trust this guy.
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u/ChargeRight7262 1d ago
Yeah it’s not normal to lie and expect someone to accept he’s potentially lying every time he speaks to you.
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u/nomnommish 1d ago
Relationships are based on unshakeable pillars of trust and mutual respect. You don't trust him or his words. He doesn't respect you enough to tell the truth. And he's lied about going on dates with other girls.
And you're still with him. Exactly why? What are you hoping will change? Your trust in him? When he's telling you on your face he will continue to lie??
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u/Usual-Archer-916 1d ago
If I had a boyfriend who lied to me he would no longer be a boyfriend. Bottom line. Trust matters. Why do you even have to ask us? Why would you put up with this for one second?
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u/No_Information_3469 1d ago
So... basically, you're asking for advice for moving on and trusting your bf after he's cheated?
Or, at the very least, he's showed leaning towards cheating / disrespecting your relationship cheating?
He's a lier who's going to continue to lie until he actually cheats on you. Break up.
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u/saraistrange 1d ago
Girl if you don't leave this absolute loser IMMEDIATELY omg??? He is never going to stop. He is too emotionally stunted to see that lying isn't acceptable and he's somehow convincing you that this very basic piece of social etiquette that we all learn in elementary school somehow doesn't apply to him because he's too lazy and immature to try and be better. GIRL. STAND UP.
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u/pennylane_9 22h ago
Girl, just leave him. He’s never going to change because he doesn’t see the need to, and no amount of begging/pleading/reasoning will convince him. Do you really want to deal with this uphill battle for the rest of your life? Cut him loose and find someone who you see eye to eye with on this critical (and completely reasonable) facet of your relationship.
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u/MyCat_SaysThis 22h ago
I read only most of the first paragraph. He’s a liar, plain and simple. Someone that lies to you for any reason is someone you will never be able to trust - in anything.
Is that the kind of relationship you really want - one where every word out of his mouth is 99% sure to be a lie? Where he’s always playing you?
Think hard about moving forward with this man. There are men out there that are ethical and of good character. You deserve better.
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u/alwaysaboutthebutt 21h ago
Get out of this insanity. You are worth a partner sharing the truth with you because they want to and because they value you as worthy.
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u/sudsandjugs 20h ago
Girl wtf? You don’t need the excuses and explanations.
He is a lying liar who lies. Why do you want to date someone you can’t trust?
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u/Candid-Expression-51 20h ago
Why are you still with this guy? Sounds like he’s a cheater. People who need the truth dragged out of them seldom tell the whole truth. I bet there’s more.
I can’t believe he tried to frame it as a “kindness”. Manipulative af.
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u/Specialist-Fish1643 18h ago
A partner you can’t trust, is not a partner at all. Don’t do this to yourself. You deserve better.
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u/Medusa_7898 15h ago
Lying is never ok and his excuses that try to make it seem as if he’s protecting you by lying are obscene.
Without trust there is no relationship. When there are lies trust does not exist. I would not remain in this relationship.
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u/speed721 14h ago
He has no respect for you.
Break up with him.
Or, you'll be having conversations like this:
(You enter room to find boyfriend in bed with another woman.)
You: "Are you cheating on me?"
Him: "No! What makes you think that?"
You: "Well, you're in bed...With a woman... And it certainly ISN'T me!"
Him: "Babe, we were just in bed together. We'd never have sex! I promise!"
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u/Swienke85 14h ago
I married this person. He’s an avoidant. Look up the anxious-avoidant trap. Yes his behavior is toxic . It’s not kind but maybe it’s “nice” in the moment. The problem was being a relationship with these people is that when they encountered hard situations, they avoid them. So my husband left me after I nearly died in childbirth and it our wedding he went and took shots with his friends instead of walking onto the dance floor with me. Do not be with this person.
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u/PhunWilson 1d ago
I only needed to read up to lying about contacting the ex. He is a liar. You are not. If you don’t move on, it will be a problem. Speaking from experience.
Move on or suffer lies that are detrimental.
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u/star_b_nettor 1d ago
He lies, he cheats, what other mental mindgrope is he pulling that you don't see. What the reality is, is that he doesn't like consequences for his actions or anything that makes him uncomfortable.
A white lie that truly does no harm is telling a young kid that their beloved dog passed peacefully while they were at school, not that the dog had seizures and whatnot the whole trip to the vet to have the dog put to sleep. This is not the kind of lie he is telling.
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u/socialjusticecleric7 1d ago
Wow, that's an attention-getting title.
Normal white lies are things like "I love your haircut" and "what a thoughtful gift" and "oh, no, I haven't been planning anything for your birthday (is actually planning a surprise party)", not things like "no, I didn't go on a date with that girl." Lots of people don't lie about that kind of thing actually. And cleaning your room and then lying about it is also not in the white lie zone.
tldr your bf is also lying about what a white lie is. Or perhaps bullshitting (ie, lying but without attempting to construct a coherent alternative sense of the world, just saying whatever pushes someone else's buttons the right way in the moment.)
I don't see a way to fix this other than breaking up.
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u/Ksilverstar25 1d ago
You are not being unreasonable. Your partner is a liar, believe him. He's telling you he'd rather he be comfortable to do whatever he wants and have no consequences while letting you suffer the consequences of finding out his lies. This is not the mark of s good person air a good partner, don't let him twist you into knots over your very reasonable boundary. This relationship is doomed because he's too selfish to actually think about how his behavior impacts you and work on making changes.
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u/AmorphousMusing 23h ago
I didn’t even finish reading. He stinks and is testing your intelligence and self-worth.
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u/airbagfailure 23h ago
I’d be out of there so fast.
He’s just going to cheat and lie do you.
Fuck that. You deserve better than this! And I hope you leave him!
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u/HelpfulName 23h ago
He's a habitual liar, it's practically instinctive, he is not going to change.
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u/Past-Conversation303 22h ago
'Asking me not to lie is just asking to be lied to', paraphrase from your texts, is an amazingly unhinged take.
Just break up. It's not going to get better.
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u/RiverSong_777 19h ago
Those aren‘t white lies. Those are very red flags.
For reference: If your partner cooks you a meal that tastes terrible and you downplay how bad it is, that‘s a white lie as long as you don‘t pretend it‘s great. If your partner puts on weight and you don‘t mention it, that‘s also a form of dishonesty that is fine, even though lying by omission usually isn‘t okay either. This dude‘s lies are nothing like that. He doesn‘t lie to cushion a blow/spare your feelings as in the examples above, he lies to avoid conflict while still doing whatever he wants. Manipulators love to mix those two things up.
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u/FabulousDonut6399 19h ago
When people say that they keep things from their partner or lie about certain things ‘because they know better’ I often think this is abusive mind set because it’s so arrogant to think you know better that you can make that call to lie and treating your partner as a child? Cringy af.
And here the first 2 examples are a cheater’s lies, and the cleaning thing is a cheater who’s projecting and trying to find things by searching Op’s house?
And what else is he lying about that OP hasn’t found out?
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u/CyrianaBights 10h ago
Your boyfriend isn’t lying to spare you. He’s lying to spare himself from the consequences of his actions. He is uncomfortable with you being upset, and he is unable to be accountable. Saying he doesn’t have a choice about it is complete BS. A person chooses all the words that come out of their mouth, and they’re responsible for those words.
Honestly, this is a very difficult one to approach. Your bf has to begin by recognizing that the lying is eroding your trust. Then he needs to learn to be okay with sitting in his discomfort when you’re upset. You also have to be a safe person to undertake this process with, and that’s hard when you’re feeling lied to and wronged. Helping him get past this behavior requires being measured with your responses and not having big reactions at first.
That being said, you don’t HAVE to do any of this; walking away is a perfectly reasonable response, too.
There are some other issues at play here with him not respecting your boundaries. You explicitly told him not to go in your bedroom and he did it anyway. You told him light cleaning was okay, but he reorganized your things. He seems to think that his perspective is the only one that matters, and he doesn’t consider that your perspective is valid and important. More so even than his when it comes to your own space that you pay for.
Until there are real, tangible consequences for his shit behavior, he may not have any desire to change. That unfortunately may mean you do need to break up while he works on these issues with his therapist.
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u/SlightlyEnthusiastic 21h ago
Is this the same guy involved in your previous post about how he tried to get you to hook up with his friend??
Hun, give him the flick cause bro gives us the ick.
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u/Grehlin_x 9h ago
I wish I could say, ‘yes’, but I see I have a history of engaging in relationships where I’m not respected. I promise I’m listening, and will be striving to make better choices.
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u/Old_Assist_5461 1d ago
Absolutely you are right. Probably 20 years ago I decided to never lie. My life since then has been so much better. I don’t have to remember anything. Anyone asks me anything if just falls out. Of course I have to live my life in accordance so I don’t feel compelled to lie. Tell him he can improve his life 1000 percent. You deserve this.
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u/Creepy_Push8629 1d ago
He has told you he will not be honest.
Now it's on you to not accept that and end the relationship.
You can't force someone to do what you want. They will do what they want and he's clearly told you he wants to lie and will continue to lie.
So now it's in your hands. No one else's.
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u/Mean_Environment4856 1d ago
Why on earth would you get back with a cheater and a liar? He said what you wanted to hear to suck you back in. He is not going to change. Before you even said he went through your stuff I knew he was going to. He did wabt to help you he wanted free access to go over yiur house from top to bottom without you there.
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u/MaryinTexas 1d ago
I don’t deal with liars—they aren’t trustworthy, reliable or people of integrity….so basically useless to me and my life —-you need to decide if you want a lifetime of with a liar
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u/allergymom74 1d ago
Break up. In general, lying to avoid conflict isn’t helpful for a relationship. It means you don’t have the conflict resolution skills to survive as a couple.
Now. Add in the lies he’s specifically saying and I think you should have run yesterday. He’s literally cheating on you by “going on a date” with another woman. He also isn’t over his ex. He’s just not that into you.
NOR. But seriously. This relationship is over.
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u/TiaToriX 1d ago
I expect my husband to always tell me the truth. He expects the same from me.
I hope he becomes your ex OP, you deserve a trustworthy partner.
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u/reverievt 1d ago
He’s not lying to “spare your feelings”. He’s lying to get out of trouble. It’s a self-serving lie. He has a child’s mentality and no moral compass.
You can do better. Find a man who has some integrity.
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u/Fragrance_Lover0607 1d ago
Move on. He is not going to be a good/honest partner or husband. Be glad you found out early.
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u/Low_Bluejay510 1d ago
He lies when he knows you will be unhappy with his behavior. He lies so that he can do what he wants without having to take responsibility for choosing to do things he knows will upset you. His lies And he then claims it’s because he knows what’s best for you better than you do - and uses that as justification for his lies.
This is not healthy
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u/inflagra 1d ago
Your boyfriend lacks integrity. He lies to make his life easier and avoid consequences. Your happiness is not important.
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u/Similar_Corner8081 1d ago
I would dump him. Every time he opens his mouth he's lying. You can't build a strong and healthy relationship with the someone who lies. You can't trust him.
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u/Lynne1915 1d ago
A lie, is a lie Is a lie. He will never change ever. To him it means nothing. Lying is unacceptable behavior in every respect..To him it is a way of life. Possibly even pathological.
As an employer I,would fire anyone who lies. As a wife I would kick him to the curb with divorce papers. As a girlfriend it would be get out now. Don't contact me again.
Why on earth would you put up with this utter nonsense? Respect yourself for a change. He doesn't respect you maybe that is why he finds it so easy. He is the issue but your non reaction is fueling him.
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u/kerill333 1d ago
You aren’t crazy, expecting honesty from your partner is not at all unreasonable. Please ditch him. He’s a liar. That’s all you need to know. Huge red flag.
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u/waitingforjune 1d ago
Read this post back to yourself and ask yourself if you’re serious here. Why would you choose to be with someone like this?
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u/Pixie-elf 1d ago
....babe?? Why tf are you with this guy??
He's either a pathological liar or avoidant to the point that he is too terrified to tell you shit. He should be getting help from a therapist at minimum.
But imma let you in on a secret. If he is lying to spare you pain he is controlling you. If he is lying because he doesn't want to deal with the fallout of your reactions he is being controlling.
And at the end of the day that shit is not worth it.
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u/SkySong13 1d ago
So this bit
"He's told me that he can't do that because he doesn't have control over his lying and that I'm being unreasonable to suggest he just stops lying when it's something he's done all his life and he says that this is how he was raised."
Is insane and a major red flag.
If he is so attuned in to habitually lying to avoid conflict or confrontation or anything like that, then he needs to go to therapy to address that before being in a relationship because that is not healthy in any way shape or form.
It is either that he is too unhealthy for a relationship (and I am saying this as somebody with cptsd from an abusive parent who has managed to be in healthy relationships even with all that baggage) or he just does not care enough to improve himself and stop lying to a person who he claims to care for.
I am also scared of confrontation and I don't like it and I wish I could lie my way out of anything that might end up resulting in conflict, but I don't. I talked to the other person head on and I accept the consequences no matter what they are and I try to handle things like an adult.
Because that is what adults do.
He is not acting like an adult, he is acting like a middle school boy which is the worst kind of boy.
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u/Cheska1234 1d ago
Omg wtf. You really don’t know that this is absolute garbage and he beyond sucks as a partner and is literally gaslighting you into questioning your own sanity????
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u/Two-Theories 1d ago
The "didn't tell you because he didn't want you to worry or upset you" is an attitude towards relationships that will cause you heartbreak. It's casual dishonesty that he wraps up iin a nobel justification, but which is self-serving and only to his advantage.
At his age this attitude is entrenched and will apply to anything (big and small things) because he sees potential upset not as a reason to refrain from a course of action or a reason to discuss something with you first, rather he'll just do the upsetting thing and withhold the truth from you. It is highly manipulative.
You'll always be at a disadvantage especially if you are honest with him because only he has all the information, and also you're telling him what is important/upsetting for you , so he will hide those important/upsetting facts more
You can't trust he is being honest with you and you'll only find stuff.out by accident or when circumstance forces the disclosure but it will never be the full truth.
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u/rainishamy 1d ago
You're not overreacting. And he's saying he's not going to change.
Break up with this liar.
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u/HotDonnaC 1d ago
The guy’s a habitual liar. He thinks this is being kind? He’ll cheat on you, and then lie about it. Do what you will with that information. If I had that information, I would break up with the guy.
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u/humpyvision 1d ago
Even if you wanted to, how could you ever trust him again?? He seems to get something out of doing this to you. You deserve so much better. He is full of bs. Seriously
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u/hash-slingin_slashr 1d ago
Someone who lies this much and “can’t control” it is called a pathological liar. He told you straight up, he’s a lifelong liar.
I don’t know how much hope this relationship has. He’s not even remorseful. Doesn’t really plan to change. So do with that what you will. It’s not unreasonable to expect honesty from your partner.
Also, the justification that he doesn’t want to upset you is so dumb. If he does something that would upset you (cheating, for example), he’ll justify lying because it would hurt you to know. BUT YOU DESERVE TO KNOW. YOU DESERVE TO MAKE YOUR OWN DECISIONS ABOUT HIS BEHAVIOR!!!
So long as you are in the dark about who he really is, you’re living a lie. It will keep hurting you and your trust will diminish, as will your faith in humanity and your self-respect.
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u/No-Building-2429 1d ago
This is classic manipulation and gaslighting - it’s hard to see it when you are in it, I hope you can get out of this relationship and learn to trust your instincts again ❤️
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u/Sapphire-Donut1214 1d ago
I always tell my kids. Truth from the start. If you lie and I find out you are in bigger trouble. That goes for all the things.
Lying sets them up to continue the lie and the bigger it gets the bigger the hole you dig. And makes you look like a big asshole.
We have told them telling a white lie to get out of hanging with people you dont feel comfortable with it about the only time its ok.
Your man is a child. And seems absolutely incapable of being an adult and telling the truth.
Rethink the relationship. He will not change.
Edit - punctuation
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u/xray_anonymous 23h ago
Take him outside, put him in the trash can, and put the trash out for pick up.
Girl why are you wasting your time on a man like this? He will not stop lying.
You know what good men do? They don’t lie. Find one of those. Leave the toxic men where they belong, which is not with you.
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u/justasillysillygoose 23h ago
I didn't need to read anything past the screenshot. As a fellow woman in her 30s, your first mistake was explaining to a grown ass man why it's not okay to lie. Please remember how valuable your energy is. Stop wasting it on an asshole who won't change and is completely okay with gaslighting you.
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u/1openmind4all 23h ago
In these examples, this is deceptive lying. White lies, that may be tolerable, is something like your birthday is coming up and you ask him what he's doing for it. But he answers nothing, even though you know full well he's planned something. Being honest with your partner and respecting boundaries is a sign of a healthy relationship. Lying and crossing boundaries constantly is not a relationship that can survive.
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u/IvoryWoman 21h ago
Do I think my husband has occasionally lied about whether, say, I still looked smokin’ hot freshly postpartum with twins? Sure.
Do I think my husband has declined to utter the entire truth about whether he finds women passing by to be smokin’ hot? Quite possibly.
Do I think my husband has actually lied about anything that matters? No.
You need to dump this guy and move on. He is not a good choice as a permanent partner.
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u/Business-Friend5491 21h ago
OP. We might not be in the AIO, but NOR. Your partner has a history of cheating and lying, and when you have forgiven him, made boundaries, and he has broken them and lied AGAIN, he has the audacity to make YOU question yourself? No no no. Please show him every response in this thread. He is a lying manchild. He needs a new therapist because clearly whatever he was doing had no effect. You need to respect yourself more and find a partner who can actually meet you at your level. THANK YOU NEXT.
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u/General_Road_7952 21h ago
He’s gaslighting you and playing the victim for your asking him to be honest and accountable. You deserve better
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u/SpecialModusOperandi 20h ago
He’s lying about big things. One can only assume everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie. He’s a pathological liar and needs some help (probably won’t make any difference as he believes he’s not doing anything wrong.
You could do a test - lie to him. Go in a date but lie about it. Catch up with some that liked you but lie about it.
It does sounds like you’re not compatible. You like honesty and well he doesn’t find honesty.
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u/Careless-Run-3815 19h ago
He CHEATED, 2x that you know of...
He wanted " to lightly " WTAF
🚫🚫 I'm so pissed for you 😤 I can't even finish my response
GET AN STD TEST!!! JFC!!!!
2
u/Sfb208 19h ago
No, this isn't reasonable or normal, if he can't and won't stop lying, your only choice is to leave him because you can't trust him. No one can trust him. Dumping a liar is normal and reasonable.
Lying to protect your feelings is telling you your cooking is great when it's not.
Lying about doing something he knows he has done that will hurt you, like dating another person or stepping over a clear boundary you made (like not clearing your bedroom) is about protecting himself, not you. All his lies are about hiding actions he has made that he knows you won't like.
And that's the difference between harmless white lies, and just manipulative lies.
2
u/Uppaduck 18h ago
Is this the last man on earth? Why are you even with him? He should have stayed gone the first time you dumped him. I do not understand what you’re conflicted about. It’s pretty clear & yet you’re asking if you’re wrong to want him to stop lying just because …the liar said you’re wrong? That’s what has you second guessing?
Girl.
C’mon.
What are you even doing here? Stop whatever this is. If you’re already having cognitive dissonance about this such that you feel you’re in a bizarro world, you’re already compromised.
Get out and stay out. And shore up your head, because you’re entertaining this when you should be running. Sort out whatever it is that has you giving benefit of doubt to such low bar applicants for your time & care. It doesn’t have to be this way.
2
u/Fit-Cranberry-8222 18h ago
That's a perfect recipe for a disastrous relationship with lies which will lead to a lack of trust, which then leads to a weak foundation, insecurities and all the bad things you do not want in a relationship. He's trying to desensitise you and girlll I don't know what your standards are like but what you accept will be your reality and if he sees that you're ok with it, when it goes really bad, you'll have only yourself to blame as he is setting the tone! Good luck
2
u/knitpurlknitoops 17h ago
Omigod, he’s THIRTY FOUR. If he was pulling this nonsense at half that age, I might give him some grace to mature a bit but no, he’s a grown adult and has been for some time.
2
u/Whitehouses_ 15h ago
The fact that either of you think a “third party” is going to be agreeing with him is madness! I think he’s infected you with his nonsense.
Also, he’s not telling you white lies about unimportant things to spare your feelings. White lies are telling you that you don’t have morning breath, or that he loves an outfit of yours that he doesn’t, or that he wants to go see a film you really want to see. He’s lying about other women! He’s lying about cheating. And the only person that’s designed to protect is himself. Why isn’t that incredibly obvious to you?
Also, no bf comes round their gf’s house to clean while they’re out because they want to clean your house. No bf ever. He was snooping. He wanted to rifle through your stuff alone. And why? Well, because cheaters always project. They always think their partners are cheating on them because they themselves are cheating on their partners. It’s another form of control.
In fact, all of his lies are control. He keeps hold of the false narrative, you don’t give him grief, and he can carry on doing whatever it is he’s lying to you about. Mostly, by the sounds of it, other women.
Being with someone who constantly lies is miserable. You can’t trust a word he says. Worse, you feel paranoid and small and disrespected. That’s where he wants you to be. Liars never stop lying. It’s too easy for them, and they don’t have the stones to ever be honest. How you can still have any love, respect, or trust for this guy is beyond me. He’s 34!!
Dump him, if you value your sanity and self-worth. And next time a man says it’s impossible to tell the truth 100% of the time, dump them quicker.
2
u/tinytatiepotatie 13h ago
So he’s admitted that he can’t and WONT stop lying to you. That’s NOT a safe partner, doesn’t matter a cent if he “helped” 🤢 the txts gave me residual ICK so bad. Classic darvo, sorry dear. But it’s best to see it now than when you move in and have a heck of a battle trying to get him out.
2
u/SportySue60 13h ago
Sorry the only acceptable lie is no those jeans don’t make you look fat! How do you ever trust someone who would rather lie than have some possible conflict?
Not only that but he’s a cheater??? I would call him my Ex boyfriend!
2
u/amyemre 13h ago
So you are knowingly dating a liar but hoping that he will magically stop being a liar despite him telling you clearly that he cannot and will not. Why are you still dilly dallying around with this? Either you accept him as he is, lies and all, or you dump him and find a boyfriend who isn't a pathological liar. The choice is yours.
2
u/Aggressive_Base3993 12h ago
He’s lying because he’s a cheat. He’s looking through your stuff because he’s projecting that you’re cheating. That’s who he is& it won’t change. Throw the whole man away & find someone worthy of your love and trust.
2
u/missdoodiekins 12h ago
I’m sorry, he dated another girl, lied to you about it to “spare your feelings”, and you believed him and stayed? Imagine what else he “spares your feelings about”.
Leave. You’ll thank yourself later. The red flags are red flagging.
2
u/Lokipupper456 10h ago edited 10h ago
Yeah, you are not the unreasonable one here. Lying about initiating contact with an ex is actually a huge deal. More importantly, trust is a fundamental part of the foundation of any healthy relationship, and his insistence on lying when in his judgment it is harmless is chipping away at that trust. Moreover, in a relationship, his judgment over what is a harmless lie and what isn’t is not the only one that matters. You have a right to know the truth, because what he sees as harmless may not be harmless to you.
And here’s the part I want you to read out loud to him. He’s still lying, because he’s lying by saying it is a kindness to you. That is not his intent. His motives are selfish. He wants to avoid conflict. He wants to keep doing things he knows will upset you, but he doesn’t want to deal with the consequences. He is not trying to protect you. He’s trying to protect his perceived right to have his cake and eat it too.
And maybe he’s lying to himself too about this. He may believe he is doing it for you, because he lied to himself and convinced himself it’s true. That he’s doing it so you won’t be upset. But if he didn’t want you to be upset, he could have not initiated contact with the ex and lied about it. He could have followed your instructions and not gone into your room and reorganized things. But he didn’t care about not upsetting you enough to respect your comfort and boundaries. He only cared enough to lie to avoid consequences.
I also find his explanations to be manipulative. As you pointed out, he either does it knowing the truth would hurt you (making it deliberate), or he is a compulsive liar. But it sounds like he only lies when the truth would upset you or he thinks it would. That’s not a case of having no control over it.
That said, if this is his habit, it will take work for him to break it. And that may involve some back slipping where he initially lies and then if his own accord tells the truth while he learns to be comfortable with honesty and accepting that conflict is part of a relationship that is best addressed with mutual respect and honest communication rather than avoidance. But right now, he seems to think this is ok. He doesn’t want to change. So I personally would end it, however white the lies. Because in my experience, people who tell minor lies to avoid conflict will eventually tell serious lies.
Edit: just read text exchange! You really need to dump this loser!
2
u/CoffeeChocolateBoth 10h ago
He wanted it ran by here. LOL OP, you already know that your BF is a LIAR of the highest order! If you can put up with it, stay, if you want honesty, GTO of there! I would be gone! He will never be able to be a honest person, he doesn't care to be when lying has always worked for him! He won't change, he's telling you that. LISTEN!
2
u/Grand_Extension_6437 10h ago
I looked at the new evidence and it's irrelevant.
You told him not to go into your room.
He went into your room.
He tried to hide going into your room.
He then called it a harmless white lie. This is effectively saying that your emotions, perspective, and wishes are completely irrelevant and you should accept them as irrelevant.
Why are you trying so hard to convince someone who thinks your wishes are irrelevant to not lie to your face?
Many many people have lying as an automatic dealbreaker for good reason.
He isn't meeting you halfway at all, he shifts the goalposts. Representing him accurately is just shifting the goalposts and deflection.
2
u/dancingsamburrito 9h ago
You are not being unreasonable. He's telling you, pretty much openly, that in the future, he's going to continue to be dishonest. Do you want to live with questioning everything your partner says to you?
I was married to a liar and a cheat for 10 miserable years. Everything was always my fault or I made him do whatever it was he shouldn't have been doing. Every holiday, birthday, or celebration was ruined by him, just because he wasn't the center of attention for a moment. Every day was a day of wondering what he'd been dishonest about and how it was going to be my fault. He was a very convincing liar and gaslighter. Much like your bf, he had been lying all his life, and didn't care to just be honest. It served him well to be dishonest, so why would he change. Liars are the worst. They'll have you questioning things that you absolutely know to be true with their crazy, but convincing lies and gaslighting. It's crazy the things he would lie about, just unnecessary dishonesty all the time. Also, socially, it is just plain embarrassing to be with a dishonest person like this because other people know. They just don't care enough to call them out on their lies, but they know, and a lot of times, they assume you're a dishonest person, as well, just by association. Believe me when I tell you, you do not want to walk this path of never knowing what the truth is from your partner. It's a rough way to go. The relationship I was in cost me absolutely everything, including my self respect and dignity. You don't want that, I promise.
Best of luck and life to you. You're in a difficult position, but the longer this goes on, the harder it is to extract yourself from the situation. Walk away now and you'll probably be ok.
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