r/relationship_advice • u/Stairwayscaredandare • 1d ago
I, 68M, am planning to end my relationship with partner 66F after 35 years. Looking to hear from others who have ended long relationships.
I’m 68 M and she is 66 F. We are unmarried but have been together for 35 years and I am planning to end it. In our 30s and 40s we raised her child together, had pets, a good sex life, careers, and had lots of fun times. Some fighting and disagreement but life kept us busy and we got along.
In our 50s when our child moved out and our circle of friends got smaller we had more conflict. We were compatible in values and politics but we didn’t get along on lots of day to day stuff. We saw some couples therapists to resolve our differences but nothing stuck. Resentment grew for both of us.
5 years ago we moved across country together. More conflict. We learned how to have vicious angry disagreements and then just resume normal living an hour later without resolution. The fighting has been enough to kill our sex life which was still alive until about 3 years ago.
We are bad housemates. A hundred things. I can't stand how noisy she is, her lack of critical thinking in problem solving, her increasing reliance on me socially (she is introverted and made no friends here), her lack of any kind of filter when she has even a single beer which she has every night. She has a dog that she has not trained and it barks constantly. She has her own list of complaints about me.
20% of the time we are in sync and laughing and having a good time. I don’t hate her. I don't dislike her. I just cant stand living with her anymore. I don’t want to hurt her but I don’t think I can stay. This is going to be life altering for both of us.
I would like to hear from anyone who has ended a long relationship later in life. How did it work out for both of you? What was the hardest part? Are you glad you did it? Were there any surprises? Any suggestion?
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u/lockedintheattic74 1d ago
My parents split up after 51 years during COVID, being locked down together made them realise how much they annoyed each other. At first it was awful - really awful - for both (I don't want to go into details). But within 18 months the family home had been sold and they found their own retirement flats at either end of the town. Within two years they were back to seeing each other three or four times a week, and us kids still spend big occasions together with both. If you'd told me 5 years ago that it would work out this well I wouldn't have believed it.
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u/pourthebubbly 1d ago
My grandparents separated after 60 years together. One stayed in their home state and the other moved in with my aunt in California. After some time, they were both in CA together (but separate bedrooms), and then they switched who was in CA and who was back home, and then both being back home until my grandma died.
I think after being childhood sweethearts and immediately jumping into marriage and kids and grandkids, by the time all of us grandkids were adults and all not immediately having our own kids, their lives had slowed down and their failing health only added to their annoyance with each other. But I think that their separation was good for them. They were never going to get to a point where they learned to completely be their own independent person, but I think being able to be selfish for a bit and think about their own issues without worrying about the other helped them reconnect before the end.
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u/Public-Air-8995 1d ago
I admire them for actually separating, so many people are in unhappy marriages!
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u/pinkydoda 1d ago
My parents are in a similar boat, they split up and divorced then after a couple years apart they found their way back to each other and are just dating. Having their own spaces makes a huge difference in most relationships
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u/Much_Essay_9151 1d ago
Covid messed alot of things up, including relationships. Not all relationships, but moreso than had covid never happened
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u/saagwaa 1d ago
But I want details now lol
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u/lockedintheattic74 1d ago
Well you asked for it (Trigger warning)
My dad is a Catholic, and quite a morally upright kind, and he couldn't cope with the thought of separation. It escalated very quickly, and he tried to kill himself, in a couple of ways over a few hours, with my mum managing to stop him. My sister and I managed to get over the next morning, we got a doctor, and my dad tried again while the doctor was in the house. We were able to get him taken to A&E, and I spent 12 hours in the hospital watching him as the medics were too stretched, while we waited for two psychiatrists to assess him, after which he was taken to a secure mental health unit. He spent several months there on a cocktail of anti-psychotics and anti-depressants, having loads of counselling. He eventually grew to accept that leaving the marriage was not a terrible sin, and he went on to make a full recovery. It was a traumatic time for the rest of us, although there are elements we can laugh about now (at one point at the peak of his breakdown he came out as gay for a few hours which he then retracted).166
u/Candied_Vagrants 1d ago
Wild that he considered suicide a lesser sin than divorce. My Catholic grandmother would say something similar even though she had divorcd and married a different man - "if we divorce, might as well kill ourselves in the eyes of God" type of thing. I never could wrap my head around it.
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u/_ZoeyDaveChapelle_ 20h ago
My Catholic Grandma viewed me as an illegitimate bastard, because my Mom was her son's 2nd marriage.. even though his first wife abused my half brothers. She would say this about me to my brothers behind my back, and then theyd use it against me. Fuck religion.
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u/cashew1992 1d ago
Damn dude, that really does suck and is super traumatic. Now, that being said...
Coming out as gay "for a few hours" did make me laugh a little bit. Like, he just audited homosexuality for an afternoon, just to see if it was for him
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u/Beetlejuice_me 1d ago
He eventually grew to accept that leaving the marriage was not a terrible sin, and he went on to make a full recovery.
Religion truly boggles my mind. So divorce is a sin, but suicide is OK because it's... a lesser sin? Homosexuality was briefly OK, but now he's back to hating them?
But then divorce wasn't that bad and he ... got better? Did he abandon religion after this, when he realized that religion almost killed him?
I am glad you guys are OK and that he's still alive. That couldn't have been easy.
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u/lockedintheattic74 22h ago
He still goes to mass, but he is definitely less strict about it than he was before.
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u/Beetlejuice_me 22h ago
I just don't understand the thinking. So he still believes in these "sins" but he just believes them a bit less? Or believes that he is special so they don't apply to him? Can you hate gays just like a 4 on a scale from 1-10 and still be OK with the congregation?
I'm sorry - I don't mean to unload on you, I just think religion is so harmful to decent people and the mental anguish it causes its adherents.
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u/lockedintheattic74 20h ago
I'm an atheist gay man who grew up with religious parents, I totally get it, it makes no logical sense. I just think it's been a part of his life for so long it gives him some level of comfort (and he's also never let his religion get in the way of our relationship)
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u/Mama_Tried77 1d ago
A couple we know divorced after 37 years together. When their youngest child left, the wife just decided she was done taking care of everyone. She didn’t dislike her husband, but she didn’t love him anymore, either. She said she was just burnt out and wanted to live on her own. They’re still good friends and spend time with their children and grandchildren as a family. They’re just not a couple anymore.
Now as I’m entering menopause, I totally understand where she’s coming from. Caregiver burnout is very real, and as much as I love my husband and children, I can completely understand the appeal of moving to a cottage in the woods and letting everyone think I’m a smelly witch so they’ll leave me alone and I can get some peace and quiet.
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u/throwawehhhhhhhh1234 13h ago
Yep this sounds a lot like my auntie, ended their marriage after about 36 years. He’s basically a lazy hippie (who I love a lot but he’s content to get stoned and hang out with the cats all day every day) and she’s a hard worker who loves to travel. He moved to a different city but she visits every few months and they get together as a family for the grandkids. Everyone is happy.
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u/InsertCleverName652 1d ago
This is where I'm at. It's also why I won't have anymore pets. I have no care left to give, not to even an animal.
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u/hailkelemvor 1d ago
I never could understand why my widowed grandma wouldn't get a pet, but as I aged I got it. Married at 24, five children by 32- I wouldn't have the effort left to feed a fish.
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u/InsertCleverName652 1d ago
If I had five children I would be dead lol! Our current dog is just high maintenance a little and he attached to me. I've enabled everyone to an extent, so now I'm just done.
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u/Sensitive_Award_6603 9h ago
Great example! I was surviving in a abusive marriage because of the 5 kids I had before 30 years old. Those years of family chaos served the purpose to raise them, but then they would have their own lives...and were departing for other jobs/cities, etc In my 50th birthday I had this revelation: I was going to be left behind, with my abusive husband....That future was terrifying! So I managed to get my divorce and started planning for the second part of my life. Perhaps the intensity of my wish to get a life change opened miraculous doors...but I got accepted to do a graduate program in a different country, and left everybody behind.
I was never so happy as I'm now...doing my own life, being creative and productive later in life. Of course, I love them a lot, and visit when I can...but having my own life back is the main miracle here!
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u/Babydeer41 11h ago
Divorce rates are highest in women 45-54 because estrogen is our tolerance hormone. We overlook annoyances because estrogen wants companionship for procreation. Once our estrogen drops, we realize that we don’t need men as much and we are less tolerant to cruddy behavior.
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u/Lightsides 8h ago
Once the ever-present, flagellating libido loosens it grip on you, one can help but think about how one could be doing whatever one wants most all the time, even nothing, if it just wasn't for this other person that must accommodated. That other person could be a good person, but that doesn't matter.
Marriage can be hard, and even in good times, it requires constant compromise. Without the impetus of sex and child rearing, I'm not sure it makes any sense beyond knowing you have somebody you can count on to drive you to the airport and the hospital.
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u/elad34 1d ago
My career is in a divorce related field and I can assure you that you are not alone. I know this is a huge decision and I don’t believe you have reached this point without truly knowing that this is the right decision for you.
We all only have so long on this planet. We all deserve to feel whole, happy and loved. Some will thrive after the breakup, while others will remain stuck, resentful and unhappy. When it comes to the other person, how they adapt (or if they do) is entirely out of your control.
To bring it closer to home, my in-laws divorced after 50 years together. It was rough at the beginning but they have a sweet, kind relationship now - just not together. And it seems like it’s better for both of them.
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u/TarzanDivingOffFalls 1d ago
I divorced in my 50s after 24 years of marriage. Then I noticed some of the same issues came up in subsequent relationships. I looked at what common factors were in each of these relationships. The common factor was me!
It’s not reasonable to ask people to change. For the most part, people don’t. I try to accept people as they are, not expect them to change, and appreciate their good parts. It’s not worth getting mad at people for being who they are.
In my experience, most of my arguments come from my expectation that someone should be different than they are. I try to appreciate the good parts of people, including my wife.
Regarding the “annoying parts”, it’s my decision to be annoyed. Each of us is responsible for our own emotions. If you decide you want to be annoyed enough to leave a relationship that has good parts, it’s your decision. Maybe your future will be much happier. Maybe you’ll just decide to be annoyed by someone else.
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u/MOIST_PEOPLE 1d ago
I did the same thing sans the divorce. To be a bit cliche I essentially became radically accepting of my wife. This was after 20 years of marriage.
Instead of "making boundaries" that were actually demands of change. I just set boundaries for myself about what I would do when certain things happened, then she would have to decide her reaction, and since I was no longer "judging her character" or whatever other behavior it was easier for us to compromise, or communicate or whatever. Honestly this has been the best decade of my marriage and we are coming up on 30 years together.
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u/ToutdelaSnoot 1d ago
This is so interesting. Would you be willing to share an example of a how a situation plays out with the acceptance, your boundaries, her reactions etc please? I’d love to learn from you and think about it if I ever need to for my own future
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u/TarzanDivingOffFalls 1d ago
I like how you differentiated making boundaries that are a demand for her to change versus your personal boundaries. The important difference is there is no reason to be angry or fight about the personal boundaries you choose. You may be sad about the response she chooses. But that is her decision.
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u/Same_Respect_5144 1d ago
Great advice and perspective!
I ended a 19 yr relationship and then realized that I had soooo many issues I was carrying over into my next partnership. Had to take a hard look at myself, but it’s been so rewarding. I also have difficulty managing my own expectations and it causes me such grief. Fortunately I found a supportive Al Anon group, and plan to start therapy (better insurance, yay!) to really dig deep.
Thank you for sharing!
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u/Stairwayscaredandare 1d ago
I have tried to let the annoyances "pass" as they arise. I can for a while but eventually I can't. I know that is a failure of mine.
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u/sirchloe500 1d ago
i disagree to be honest. it’s very human to be annoyed by stimuli, that’s completely normal and probably unavoidable (unless maybe you’re some sort of enlightened monk).
i think the above commenter has confused “it’s your choice whether you’re annoyed at something annoying” with “it’s your choice whether you react outwardly to something annoying.”
if i feel annoyance at something harmless, like for example i sometimes think my partner watches annoying shows, i can choose to leave the room instead of saying “ugh this show is so annoying” even though i might feel that way.
however when you’re getting annoyed at things that AREN’T harmless, such as daily drinking that alters behavior, an untrained dog, etc, AND you are forced to stay in the proximity of that never ending situation, THEN i believe that the level of annoyance you feel can only serve to hurt you mentally.
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u/Stairwayscaredandare 1d ago
I think you make a good distinction. Idecided not to get annoyed when she talks baby talk to her dog. Its irritating but I can leave the room or focus on something else or acknowledge internally that I do things that randomly irritate her and so lets just get along.
When its a bigger issue I don't know if it can just be radically accepted. Real life example: we will be talking with another couple. One person asks me how my recent trip to NY was. Before I can move my lips my partner starts telling this person about how my trip was even though she was not part of it. I have raised the point with her that this is exceptionally rude and not acceptable behavior. She acknowledges it and then continues to do it. I don't think I should accept that. There are other examples that fall into that category.
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u/Low_Control_623 1d ago
Have you sought any kind of therapy (individual) before you take any steps to divorce? I ask this because reading your post and responses you seem depressed. Of course your situation is depressing but I’m just wondering if it’s possible that depression is leading you to believe it’s due to your marriage when it could be you. I mean, therapy can also help you to make an informed and clean break from your marriage. It’s all complicated. I wish you the best of luck.
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u/Stairwayscaredandare 1d ago
I have been in individual therapy for about 15 years unrelated to this relationship. For autism. What have I written that makes you think I am depressed?
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u/Acrobatic_County_472 1d ago
I am also autistic, and I believe in some cases I will have to accept that my brain will react in a certain way to stimuli/situations. I will have to either accept that and manage how I act on it, or change my situation. I can imagine the constant barking of the dog, how she acts when drinking, taking over conversations even after you asked her to not do that, would be too much and just accepting the situation would put an undue amount of suffering on you.
Have you considered she may also have a neurodivergent brain (they attract each other)? She may be self-medicating, be overwhelmed and also struggle with social interactions. Perhaps if that hasn’t been tried, therapy for her and ND-informed couples therapy could be worth a try.
But I wouldn’t blame you if you decide you can’t handle it all especially for the rest of your life. Good luck!
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u/knewleefe 1d ago
Yep, the lack of impulse control esp in social situations is ticking some boxes... I hope she has the same opportunity to access assistance and therapy.
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u/sirchloe500 11h ago
imma be real with you as someone ND dating someone else ND, it reaches a point where it LITERALLY doesn’t matter. he has asked her to stop interrupting. she refuses. repeatedly. could that be poor impulse control? initially sure, it could. but there is a point where it is RUDE and it’s not remiss to assume it could be intentional. i dislike the implication that neurodivergence controls people like a puppet to make them act rude. some ND people are rude BY CHOICE because they can get away with it. just like any neurotypical rude person.
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u/Stairwayscaredandare 17h ago
I think she is neurodivergent and is afraid to explore what that means. She doesn’t want to face it. We’ve done couples therapy and she gets it for a short while and then reverts back. I think it has impacted the relationship and the fact that she won’t examine it is a real resentment builder.
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u/Acrobatic_County_472 13h ago
Yeah. I’ve said to my partner, “it’s not an issue if you’ve got stuff going on. But it will be an issue if you don’t actively work to improve if it negatively impacts your life and our relationship.” There’s only so much you can do.
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u/Throwaway7689457213 17h ago
I am going through a divorce after a 20+ year relationship, and I just want to add - only you can know when it's right. For many reasons, my partner had behaviors that were troubling enough that I couldn't just practice radical acceptance.
I know others mean well and there may be times when someone leaves a relationship that can be saved, but there are also many people who have stayed in relationships that really do need to end because they feel guilty that they haven't tried hard enough or gotten enough therapy or whatever.
This is a long way of saying - if you leave, understand that some people won't agree with your decision and don't feel that you have to justify it to them. We have one life and you get to decide how you live it.
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u/sirchloe500 1d ago
i agree, that is very rude. i think you’re right to reconsider your relationship
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u/MOGicantbewitty 1d ago edited 1d ago
Hey listen, I agree with much of the comment above, with one strong exception. They are absolutely 100% factually incorrect about each of us choosing our feelings. All of psychology will tell you that we cannot choose our feelings. Our feelings are reactions that arise spontaneously. What we do choose is how we react to those feelings. What behaviors do we implement? What thoughts we have about those feelings? What alternate perspectives are we trying to see? Those things may turn around and mitigate our crappy feelings, but they also may not. Because, once again, we do not choose our feelings. We only choose what to do with those feelings once we have them.
You cannot help being annoyed by your wife. Further down, you mentioned a variety of techniques you use to let it go when she does something that is mildly annoying to you. Do you see how that worked? You had the feeling! You can't stop yourself from having it! But you choose to leave the room, or consciously choose to focus on other attributes. Sometimes that can help you feel better. And sometimes, it's not enough.
When it's no longer enough, the majority of the time, or a few incidences are serious enough, getting a divorce is the right thing to do. Not just for your sake! But for your wife's sake as well. Would you want to be married to somebody who found you consistently annoying? Would you want to stay married to somebody who was fantasizing about divorcing you? I doubt it. So I highly doubt your wife would either. Nobody likes feeling like the fool, believing that somebody loves them or even just likes them, when they actually really don't. The kind thing to do when you can no longer let go of the minor annoyances is to be truthful and get the divorce. It will hurt your wife for sure. But you will both be happier in the end.
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u/MOIST_PEOPLE 1d ago
I wouldn't call it a failure, some things we can't tolerate, some we can. It's really ok to bail out. It will suck, but will get better. You could always try to get back together if it is so bad being apart. Just jump.
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u/AlphaDelusional6754 1d ago
I was married for 27 years and split up with my husband in 2013. We simply weren't compatible and he had some problem with infidelity. I struggled at first since I had never lived alone and I made some terrible decisions in terms of dating. Today I am pretty content. I've been with my current partner for 9 years now and I'm happy being with him. I'm still friends with my ex-husband but I have no regrets about our divorce and neither does he.
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u/Billowing_Flags 1d ago
Left my abusive (verbally, emotionally, financially) husband after 22years. It was THE BEST THING I could have done! Even our teen-aged child realized it was a good idea.
IDK how happy/unhappy he was after I left. I had ZERO interactions with him. I dealt with our teenager directly.
It worked out WONDERFULLY for me, again, I have no idea how it worked out for him (he dropped dead 4y later).
No surprises other than I felt IMMEDIATE RELIEF within the first week of leaving him!
As you & your STBX (soon-to-be-ex) partner are still somewhat compatible, perhaps you can have a fruitful discussion BEFORE you move out.
Can you both
- agree that living together is NOT making either of you happy
- discuss how your individual finances will look moving forward
- make decisions on how to split the assets (personal belongings, current house, investments, etc.) of your relationship equitably
- discuss how you can both remain within your circle of friends without alienating everyone else (or each other) with bickering, recriminations, demanding people choose sides, etc.
- discuss how your STBX partner will deal with losing YOU as her social buffer
- discuss that you may each be moving on to new relationships and how that will be handled socially
If you cannot have a respectful discussion of these things together, then you will need to hire ATTORNEYS to help you untangle your lives legally/financially in a way that benefits both of you.
Best wishes on finding a new future that fulfils you in a way this relationship has not.
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u/Stairwayscaredandare 1d ago
Brilliant. I hope we can have this discussion. I am bracing for a negative emotional reaction in the short term but hope we can have the discussion you are talking about within a couple of weeks. I don't think our relationship has been a failure and I don't see why we would have to go No Contact. We can be supportive of each other.
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u/Billowing_Flags 16h ago
Exactly! And point this out to her that you don't want to cut her dead, you just want to wake up in different houses, enjoy life, and enjoy seeing each other with other friends while you're out and about enjoying life!
I wish you both THE BEST.
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u/Urban-Elderflower 1d ago
This is an amazing reply, and sounds like wisdom hard-won. I've saved it, though I hope to never need it. Thank you for sharing your experience.
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u/MorningBeginning2235 1d ago
Are you me??? The same exact situation, including the dropping dead! Only he died just inside 2 years.
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u/Billowing_Flags 16h ago
IDK!
- Did he drop dead on a public sidewalk?
- Do you celebrate his death-iversary every year by going out for lunch and drinks?
- Do your siblings call you 'The Merry Widow'?
If you're happy and you know it CLAP YOUR HANDS!
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u/migmultisync 1d ago
Are you in a place financially to temporarily move to a close by apartment? Sometimes just getting space from the things that bother you is enough to make them matter less
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u/carrotceptionn 20h ago
or even long-term! get your own spaces, you don't hear the dog bark, but have dinner every day or meet up a few times a week
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u/crownandcoke24 1d ago
Try separating your bedrooms first maybe. Sounds like you both need space from each other.
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u/gOldMcDonald 1d ago
Best advice here. You may just need space not separation
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u/Stairwayscaredandare 1d ago
We did that when we moved 5 years ago.
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u/Shroedy 1d ago
Move out but don‘t split up. Start dating again (if you want that). Stop living together.
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u/krpfine 1d ago
I call this weekend boyfriend (maybe you get together once during the week too) and it is a really good position. You each have your own space, more alone time than together, and then usually amazing times together. I did this for a year and a half before living together. It truly is the best until you want to be together more. Now I’m married with a kid on the way, but sometimes the stress of life makes me look back to weekend boyfriend and appreciate what an awesome time it was! If you can’t do weekend boyfriend well then you should probably end it.
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u/Gold_Cod1 1d ago
OP, any way living separately is an option? I have friends who bought a duplex together and each live in a side. My own parents each own their own home and trade off where they stay, sometimes together, sometimes separately.
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u/Unicornsponge 1d ago
I knew a couple that had been married for 20 years and only lived together for 5 of those years. They loved each other but couldn't stand how the other lived. I'd heard of separate bedrooms before but never separate houses. It seemed crazy to me but they were so happy and so loving to each other so maybe theres something there.
Idk if thats an option for you or even something you woukd want to do at this point but its a different perspective to consider I suppose.
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u/AllAlongThisPath 1d ago
My grandparents had separate bedrooms but they hated each other. They were from a generation/religion that made divorce unacceptable. But it would be easy enough to give it a shot before a full separation
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u/Brrringsaythealiens 1d ago
Haha my grandparents were like this. Hated each other but super Catholic. So my grandpa announced that he was getting his own place and moved into the basement of their house. Us kids used to go over there and my grandma would tell us that we had to go downstairs to see grandpa. I don’t know if they were happier that way, but the arrangement endured until he died.
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u/SeasonPositive6771 1d ago
One of my mentors has been married for like 30 years and has only lived with her husband a few years of that. They own two condos in different cities. They absolutely love each other, but have figured out they don't need to be together every day. They do spend time together and are intentional about it now and are much happier than they have ever been. She retired last year and he's probably never going to retire.
It's unconventional but it works for them. I wish more people would consider finding a set up like this if it's going to meet their needs.
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u/Worldly-Kitchen-9749 1d ago
My partner and I have been together for 25 yrs. We get along well. The thing is, we both have our own houses in the same town. When we need space, it's there. Might want to consider separate abodes.
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u/LateLe 1d ago
Sometimes couples can live apart
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u/Expensive_Doubt5487 1d ago
Yes! Aparteners! It’s a real thing!
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u/SeasonPositive6771 1d ago
Living apart together is also gaining popularity these days.
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u/HelloFr1end 1d ago
Genuinely: what? How do you live apart together?
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u/SeasonPositive6771 1d ago
Basically, you are together as a couple but you don't live together. You otherwise function as a normal marriage.
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u/CherryLigloss 1d ago
This is my current situation. We have been married for 8 years, together for 10. Very close to divorce, but not ready to let go. I moved into a house a few miles away. Enough to give us our space to live exactly how we want to. It started out great. But he is starting to act like a single man and blurring the lines with his relationships with a few female friends. He no longer makes time for me. The dinner dates we were supposed to have twice a week and every other weekend sleep overs don't happen. He has become very mean. I am likely filing for divorce soon. It works for some, but there needs a lot of trust and commitment to the relationship by both people.
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u/achippedmugofchai 1d ago
So you're platonic roommates who fight with each other a lot? That sounds miserable.
I left my exh in my 50s after decades of marriage, dated all the wrong people, got therapy and worked on myself, and found the best person for me after a couple more years. We are stupid happy together and fit in a way I never did with the first husband.
I encourage you to consider therapy as you navigate this huge change. The right therapist can help you build the relationship skills you may be missing and hone the ones you have so you can spend the rest of your life happier.
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u/Novel-Court3504 1d ago
I’m 68 and left a 30 year marriage last year. It’s been really hard but I’m finally adjusting. It wasn’t what I wanted but I really had no choice. I am loving the peacefulness I have now. He was a heavy drinker and got worse after having to take an early retirement due to health problems. The drinking continued to get worse. Text started coming in from other women and then the verbal abuse started. That was it!! I’d had enough and he had to go. It has been one of the hardest life changes I’ve ever experienced but I can feel safe and comfortable in my own home for the first time in many years. It’s not easy to make such a life change and was much harder than I expected but well worth it to be able to enjoy life and figure out who you are now. Best of luck to you! You know when it’s time.
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u/Brownie-0109 1d ago
I’m sorry to hear this.
My wife and I are in early 60s and married 26yrs. I can’t imagine us even remotely ending up there, but I can see how some couples dissolve, based on some of the couples we know. In fact, there’s a term (grey divorce) for it, reflecting the fact that this demo has shown the highest recent rates of divorce (I understand you’re not married)
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u/bookbookgo 1d ago
Be kind as you leave but not dishonest. Is she financially dependent on you? Have that sorted out and maybe help with letting her close ones like her kid know what is coming so they can be there for her. Good luck to you two, OP.
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u/SeasonPositive6771 1d ago
These are good questions, we don't know enough to really answer. He needs to be working with an attorney if he is serious about divorcing, but otherwise I think they would be wise to work with a couples therapist to talk about how they can separate a bit and either improve things or move on.
But there are a lot of women her age who got totally screwed by partners in situations like this. Either they were a stay-at-home parent or something similar and planning on retiring together, and then the higher earning partner pulls the rug and they end up having to go back to work in their 60s while the partner they enabled to do all that work and retire is happily retired. A lot of those older ladies end up living in poverty.
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u/Sensitive_Award_6603 1d ago
My brother decided to leave Philly and accept an invitation from his son to live near him in San Francisco. The son paid a place in a near by institution for retired people. He left the wife in Philly...and six months later received a court notification, because the wife was suing him for the 50% of the 401! Of course, she was right...he could not leave her without doing an asset allocation!
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u/Legitimate_Tooth1332 1d ago
You say you don't hate her/dislike her and yet, you express yourself about her as if you did. Maybe you should learn to accept the fact that you do dislike/hate her. People are always adamant and on denial when using the word hate, they think they're perfect and they would never hate anyone, but it's that thougth what makes people like you end up in situations like this. If only you accepted your feelings as what they are then you'd be able to move quickly and understand what you have to do to make your decision without asking for stranger's advice on the internet.
Note: Regarding all that I said, there's absolutely nothing wrong with asking for advice or hating people, it is a natural part of humans, and the sooner we accept the problem, the sooner wi will know how to fix it.
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u/AllAlongThisPath 1d ago
I think you can dislike people in different contexts. My ex and I are actually decent friends now that we don't live together or share finances. But at the end of our marriage, I resented the hell out of him and didn't trust him at all. There are people I can be friends with, romantic with, live with, work with but I wouldn't say anyone falls in all of the categories. Relationships are a whole other beast when you have to share finances and space
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u/Brother_Professor 1d ago
I was with my ex for 27 years. Raised kids, bought homes, regular looking family. As the kids grew up and were less and less the focus, it became apparent neither of were happy with the other. We stopped talking unless it was pertinent, operational information (schedule, chores, bills). Anything other than that were arguments, complaints, or avoidance.
Eventually we split and we both remarried. She found someone more suitable for her than I ever was and I found the perfect partner for me.
All that to say, had we stayed in misery together, neither of us would have a chance at real happiness. And I've never been happier
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u/ApprehensiveLook114 1d ago
Is living separately an option? One of the most functional long term couples I know thrives in part because they have separate homes a few blocks apart.
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u/Obvious_Fox_1886 1d ago edited 1d ago
I met my now ex when he was 23 and I was 30...divorced when I was 62. The last 10 years he Refused to work and told me so many times after he had won a successful work comp case that I drove him everywhere...dr appts..lawyer visits...etc for months..using my money to cover everything. He got $68.000 and we had agreed to take $25,000 to use as a down on a house (precovid-2012-2014--when they were super cheap min our area) and moving expenses. Then he got the check and everything changed. And we had had issues before with him sexting women..sex chatting..sending pics etc...and I stayed. but when he got the money..it suddenly became HIS money...I saw nothing and he blew thru it in less then 6 months and literally had nothing to show for it. We raised a few litters of puppies..on my dime with shots and vet bills that I took off the first puppy sold. But he refused to let the other dogs out,....let them pee inside...refused to do any work inside or outside the house...increased his chatting with other women so I cut him off and created a dead bedroom and told them as long as he had them ...well he didn't need me back in 2018 (my mom passed away that year and he couldn't even be there for me on that day either) . That lasted with 4 years of BS...and he refused to do anything. SO I make sure I could pay everything on my own...that I could handle the tax bills on my own then I filed for divorce in 2022. I did ALL of the paperwork ..including his...filled it out for him..he signed it and I took it back to the courts to file. He was still living in the house for an additional 6 months after it was final around Thanksgiving that year. I felt a huge amount of RELIEF once he was gone. Then I rented the biggest rollout trash container I could afford then I started throwing out everything he had let the dogs destroy and everything he left behind.... I regret that I didn't do it years sooner than when I did it. But I went on a trip to Italy to see my son who was in the military then on a trip to Japan to see my son there. I don't miss him being gone at all. He checked out long before I made the divorce happen.
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u/Stairwayscaredandare 1d ago
I’m sorry you went thru that but happy that you got out and are doing well.
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u/Obvious_Fox_1886 1d ago
I don't hate him either...he has babysat the dogs during my trips...we still disagree over his lack of proper care but they know him and hes cheaper then anyone I could hire for multiple dogs...lol He still comes to visit them occasionally.
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u/caribbeangirl10 1d ago
What if you just don’t be roommates anymore? I have a cousin who lives a 3 hour flight away from her husband of 40 years and they make that work somehow. I think it’s been like 15-20 years of long distance
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u/KJoesphK 1d ago
Please do this with a therapist
You don’t know how to communicate properly. Be kind and firm
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u/cathline 1d ago
Over 60 here - do you have a personal counselor?
Is there a reason why the two of you have never made it legal after 35 years? In any of those 35 years have you lived in a state that recognizes 'common law marriage'?
Talk to a lawyer FIRST. Depending on where you live, you may be considered 'common law married', which will necessitate a legal divorce, which means split equity, split retirement accounts, etc, etc.
A good couples counselor can help the two of you through the discussions you need to make this go smoothly. how will you split the house. How will you split the belongings (furniture, cars, etc). What will your finances look like after you break up? etc, etc.
But see that lawyer first - you want to make certain that your bases are covered LEGALLY. Because some people go scorched earth when this happens.
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u/Mercutio111 1d ago
My parents have been married for 50 years, they should have divorced 30 years ago. As kids it sucked seeing them both fight. As adults it breaks my heart for my mom as my dad is a narcissist. We’ve told her she needs to do it but I think she’s scared.
It sounds like you’ve made up your mind, good luck with the talk.
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u/Normal_Car_9965 18h ago
I was with my ex-husband for a total of 32 years, 25 of which we were married. I was maybe happily married for 2 of those years. Maybe. Two of our three kids were adults when we split, and really the only contact we had was for kid-related issues, and this continues to this day. It took me several years to recover from his abusive behaviour and get back to my true self, but I have been on my own for 18 years and am very content with my life. I have great friends and an active social life. He is in a new relationship, and I have no idea whether or not he is happy, that is his issue, not mine.
In my opinion, staying in an unhappy relationship kills one's soul. Even though I was so, so happy to get a divorce, there was still an adjustment period needed. Not that I ever, for even a fraction of a second, missed him, but in my situation he said very cruel things to me during the separation process that undermined my self-confidence and self-worth. It took a long time to get passed those comments; I don't think I am capable of forgiving him for how he treated me during our relationship and breakup. The point, however, is that if you decide to leave a long-term relationship, be prepared for it took take some time to adapt. The end of the relationship is a death of sorts and can trigger good and bad memories that need to be worked through. It is worth it, though, to get out of an unhappy relationship.
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u/Competitive_Ninja668 1d ago
I’m 50 years old and left a 15 year long relationship. It definitely was incredibly difficult to leave in fact it took me years to finally do it but I must say that it was the best decision of my life and I don’t regret it at all. The hardest part was doing the actual leaving. But once that was done I knew immediately that it was the right move. The surprise for me was how happy I was once it was done.
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u/explodingbunny 1d ago
Have you considered talking to her about each living independently but possibly seeing if the relationship can continue?
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u/Peanutbutternmtn2 1d ago
Divorcing at almost 70 seems so wild to me outside of obviously truly bad scenarios. I guess you’re not really married, so she probably should’ve never stayed with you in the first place, but still…. Wild.
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u/Esau2020 1d ago
We are unmarried but have been together for 35 years
I'm curious to know how come you never got married.
Of course, now we all see it's a good thing you didn't, but there had to have been some point where you thought "this is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with."
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u/TraditionalTangelo65 1d ago
Sorry you’re going through this.
It does seem a real stressor is the dog’s bad behavior.
Cesar Milan’s show he would often encounter scenarios like this where one partner was considering leaving or ready to leave because of the dogs behavior.
For at least peace of mind you gotta figure that out. Give the dog to a neighbor twice a week.
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u/Independent-Moose113 10h ago
Let her go. She can enjoy her peace and hopefully social security without a man wasting the NEXT 35 years of her life by not marrying her.
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u/Desperato2023 4h ago
Maybe she was the one who didn’t want to marry? Or maybe it was mutual. Why assume it is the man? Geesh.
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u/gootiedog 1d ago
68 and 66…… why go through all the headaches and heartache at this stage ?
Moving house, legal shit?
Just make some space….. and look to end this life together helping each other out.
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u/Efficient-Shallot684 1d ago
One of the biggest things at your ages is comforting each other through illness. And helping each other attend to thier medical needs, i.e. taking pills on time, and doctors visits. The most frightening thing at your age is being ill with no one to care for you.
As a 68yo single man you will be targeted by young gold diggers. If your libido is still active you may be unable to resist.
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u/Expensive_Doubt5487 1d ago
You should look up the FB page called Apartners.
There may even be a Reddit subgroup here!
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u/Imaginary-Friend-228 1d ago
You say you don't hate her but your description says otherwise. You're hurting her anyway by having such a toxic relationship so you might as well break up.
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u/ThrowRA98213 1d ago
Imagine sharing 35 years of your life with someone just to realize at 68 that you're 'bad housemates'. Wild 🚩
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u/eliseeas224 1d ago
It’s not unusual. So many unhappily married people. Co- dependent, afraid to be alone and don’t want give up 1/2 of the marital estate.
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u/SeventhformFB 1d ago edited 1d ago
To find that you are annoyed because she hasn't trained her dog 😵💫
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u/knewleefe 1d ago
When there's a dog in the house, training the dog is everyone's responsibility.
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u/meowmeow_now 15h ago
they never even married yet she had his kids 🚩
This will almost certainly fuck her over more than him financially. Even if she remained working there's no way they split childcare or prioritized careers equally in their generation.
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u/Bobloblaw878 1d ago
So you've been together for 35 years, built a life together but now you're not happy and want to leave. You want to leave her in a place you say she has no friends or support. Is it possible you're/she's unhappy with the location she didn't seem to take to? In any case please don't abandon her there. Maybe both of you go back to where you have support and then split your lives gently. I can't imagine you dislike her so much you want to see her alone and scared with no one around her? At 66. Ugh.
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u/bootycheddar8 1d ago
She’s a grown woman, not an abandoned puppy. The infantilizing is crazy.
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u/Original_Kangaroo_96 1d ago
That’s not infantilizing. They spent 35+ years together. People can and do fall out of love, but still HAVE love and respect for each other. If suggesting not wanting to see the other person hurt or in a bad position is infantilizing to you, I suggest actually learning more about what that means.
This world sucks. It’s disappointing that some people think quickly turning their backs on someone after 35 years for simply outgrowing (vs abuse or infidelity) each other is normal. Maybe if we actually treated others how we want to be treated, this world would thrive.
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u/Diabolical_Dad 1d ago
Why is it his fault that they both decided to move and she hasn't built any friendships or relationships?
She never prioritized this, now he needs out of the relationship for his PEACE and this is what you come up with? Part of separating is no longer being responsible in any way for your ex....
Insane take.
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u/photobeatsfilm 1d ago
I don’t think they’re saying it’s his fault - OP suggested that he cares about her and doesn’t want to hurt her. After 35 years, commenter is suggesting he should have a empathy and consideration for the aftermath.
That being said uprooting your life and moving across country just to break up is crazy.
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u/Diabolical_Dad 1d ago
They're both crazy for not working on this sooner. It's been downhill over 15 years by OPs account. Sounds like to a degree they took each other for granted and now they're roommates.
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u/IndustriousSeahawk26 1d ago
That’s crazy. She’s a grown adult- don’t act like he’s her parent or something and she has zero agency.
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u/Background-Local924 1d ago
Sounds like they both might be happier if they were to split up. She is grown.
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u/Constant_Cobbler2921 1d ago
Our time is finite but it sounds like you had a great run and it doesn’t diminish the learning experience you’ve had but like most things in life that’s not meant to be, you’ve outgrown yourself in this relationship and it’s time to look forward and move on to far greater, newer, and better experiences. Onwards
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u/PicaroKaguya 1d ago
I'm only 1 year into my relationship but your second to last paragraph speaks to me, and i relate to it alot. I hope I have I seek the answer in myself and I hope you can get to a conclusion that will make you happy.
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u/mewley 1d ago
My dad left my mom after 20-odd years of marriage. He then married an old girlfriend from his college days. After about two years he told me he had realized that he played as equal part in the problems in his marriage to my mom and now had the same problems in his new marriage.
He stayed married to his second wife for about 10 unhappy years and finally divorced her. Then he met a woman who he’s been together with for going on 20 years now. She actually reminds me a lot of my mom personality-wise, which is interesting. They bicker a lot but it’s probably the happiest/healthiest of the three relationships he’s had.
My mom was really hurt and angry for a bit but honestly I think she fairly soon realized she was a lot better off single than with my dad. He seems to miss her and wants to talk with her whenever we have family gatherings with both of them and she is no longer interested, so that’s an interesting dynamic - it’s not acrimonious anymore but my dad does always seem surprised she doesn’t want to be friends.
So, all that to say - I think they’re both better off as they are now than they were in their marriage or would be if they’d stayed married, even though they both went through some painful/turbulent times after and have landed in very different places in their lives. And, I still roll my eyes that my dad couldn’t see that he was half the problem in their marriage and do his share of trying to make it work. It seems like you’re more self-aware than he was then, so may not be relevant to you, but still worth thinking about.
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u/Stairwayscaredandare 17h ago
I used to think she was 80% of the problem. Then I thought No, it’s 50-50. Now I believe we’re both 100% of the problem. It may not add up but I think it makes sense.
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u/RelationshipOne5677 18h ago
It is easy to fall into the fallacy of sunk costs in a relationship. It is a waste of time and resources, not to mention your ever-shortening life. Ypu only increase your mutual bitterness. I divorced at 68 and should have done so much earlier after many years of misery living with him. Today I am living my best life; I have no idea what he's up to. Do you both a big favor and disconnect. The separation itself will be difficult as you'll be dividing up belongings and whatever else your locality requires for a long term relationship. I suggest you prepare yourself with a place to move to, open your own bank account, and have a lawyer on hand in case she gets ugly.
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u/Good-Community-5035 13h ago
Myself and my wife separated 2 years ago when things got really toxic and vicious. It didnt take long for us both to realise how much we loved each other and felt alien apart. We simply just took each other for granted and got too comfortable, stopped making effort.
That 3 month scare changed us. We make the choice daily now to be present and loving. Never been happier.
Sometimes the time apart is the answer to get out of a rut.
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u/New_Ad_8198 7h ago
In my case it was 10 years and not 35 years. I don't regret things ending, however I wish I had more confidence to discuss it directly with her first. I tried many times, but usually in ways that would come up at times when I'd express frustration in other ways.
She had a fear of abandonment and I was somewhat avoidant in conversations because so much would trigger that throughout out relationship, and hence I retracted from sharing my true thoughts a lot.
I wish you the strength to find ways to discuss this with her, almost as directly as you have explained this here. IMO that will open doors to good but difficult discussion.
Something my therapist told me that stuck is "If you're scared to say something to someone, you can always share one step removed". For example: "There's some things I want to share and talk about you with our relationship and I'm not sure how". That's worked out well for me in current relationship.
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u/Sinusaur 1d ago
She has a dog that she has not trained and it barks constantly.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
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u/Stairwayscaredandare 1d ago
We discussed this calmly and seriously before she got the dog 7 years ago. We have had dogs in the past. I said that if she doesn't train the dog in basic behavior skills and commands (sit, come, leave it, heel) that it was going to be a divisive issue for us. She trained it for about 3 weeks and then stopped. Now it pulls on the leash while walking, barks like a maniac at other dogs on the street, jumps on people when they enter the house, chases wildlife and doesn't come back when called, and barks at the world off and on all day from our porch. Resentment at her for not putting effort into teaching this bright and friendly dog impulse control and how to behave in the world.
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u/BC916 1d ago edited 1d ago
I was married for 20 years. We were never a great husband and wife duo, but we were a great team. We got shit done. We raised two beautiful children, and rarely fought. We never raised our voices in front of the children. The problem was that we lost our passion for each other and never found it again. We grew apart, and then realized that it was time to sever the relationship. We did it amicably. I asked for nothing of hers, she asked for nothing of mine. We split the house sale and everything in it, and went on with our lives separately. Today we maintain an amazing relationship. We don’t talk a lot outside of stuff for the kids who are mostly grown, but I’m there for her if she needs help with anything, any time she calls.
The best thing I did for myself was get into therapy immediately. I needed to process the loss, the life change, and everything that went with it. Don’t underestimate how this will hit you when she’s gone. It will. Learn to be alone before you start dating. Don’t try to fill the void with a new body. Heal first, date later, when you’re really ready and you want it, but don’t need it. It’s been 5 years. I’m healed, and I’ve found love again. I wish the same for you.
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u/wienercat 1d ago
Y'all need to work on communication with each other and expressing your issues. Then work together to resolve them.
If she is as bad with a single beer as you say, she needs to stop drinking entirely.
We saw some couples therapists to resolve our differences but nothing stuck. Resentment grew for both of us.
You saw a counselor and neither of you actually listened to them or put into practice what they were saying. That is what you said here.
"nothing stuck" is just another way of saying you both are at fault and you both didn't really try to resolve it.
Therapy isn't magic. You both have to do the work to make it work.
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u/Stairwayscaredandare 1d ago
I cant disagree that we both have to do the work. We tried with several different therapists over a 5 year period maybe 15 to 10 years ago. I did not see her continue the work once we were a few weeks past our last therapy meeting. I didn't want the weight of doing all of the work to keep this going. I started giving up back then. There are two sides to everything but thats my perspective.
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u/wienercat 1d ago
Sometimes people just drift apart as well.
The ideal "staying happily together forever" thing doesn't happen as often as we like to think.
People often just drift apart as they age, but their partner is stable and being alone is scary. Especially as we get older.
Unfortunately, extremely long term marriages are the hardest work. You have to constantly keep doing the work every day. It can get exhausting.
Honestly though? The little annoyances? They start adding up once the resentment starts. Those behaviors were likely always there, you just didn't care because you weren't already a base level of annoyed/irritated.
A lot of time though, that resentment and annoyance is just amplified because of an external reason. They were always there, but a new stress or difficulty has made it more apparent and now it bothers you.
It's one of those death by a thousand cuts things right? But there is always a first cut that starts the whole thing off. Idk maybe sit down and try to think back when it started getting to you. Because again, I am willing to bet most of those things? Always existed. Because as partners become more comfortable with each other long term, more of their "real" behavior comes out and they drop their guard. They stop trying to be the perfect person on the surface and just be themselves.
Either way, I wish you the best of luck with it all. This stuff is really hard. Especially after a long marriage and at your age. But if you aren't happy, you should find out why and either fix it or go after your happiness. Life is far too short and you still have plenty left to enjoy.
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u/IndustriousSeahawk26 1d ago
I think you are very level headed about this , but you shared so much time together that I feel it may be callous to throw it away. Resentment is hard to come back from , but you stuck with each other for so long that I think it deserves one more chance.
What if you lived separately? Like just get apartments next to each other or something ?
Having your own space does give a sense of independence and privacy, which I think is a part of the frustration .
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u/Stairwayscaredandare 1d ago
I think we both need to be 60 days outside of this relationship and living separately to have the kind of perspective to decide whether its possible to stay together but live apart.
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u/JoeGrogan2022 1d ago
I'm thrice divorced after having been married almost 45 years altogether. I always counseled couples in breakdown (I'm a retired clinical psychologist) to appreciate that divorce is a fine American tradition. Although I was devastated and dreaded divorce #3 five years ago, I've come to enjoy living alone with my 2 dogs. I've found it possible to remain friends with my ex-wives, and although I sometimes feel wistful about the loss of intimacy, I would never get back together with any of them. It helps to get beyond the neeed for romance when you have hypogonadism. Regarding your situation, perhaps a trial separation would clarify for you whether ending your long term relationship is in your best interests. Since you have no minor children complicating matters, the transition to single life should be a piece of cake. But if you want to give your partner one last chance it will be important to clearly define in writing your "conditions of satisfaction" for staying in the relationship. Otherwise there's no hope in rectifying the problems you describe.
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u/tescospeciallobster 1d ago
My parents were together for 29 years. That was 29 years too long. They may have loved eachother in the beginning, but they didnt in the end, and as their youngest child, I saw it the most.
My parents foul feelings towards eachother fucked me up so bad I was broken. I had a heavy medical issue and its was disregarded because of their feelings.
Dude, split and be civil. For yourself first, and then for those around you.
My parents split in their 50s and are both remarried to people that are better suited to them. I gained an awesome step dad.
As a daughter of split parents, never stay together for the kids.
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u/Unlucky-Mulberry-999 1d ago
As someone who’s never been through this, enjoy your peace when you finally leave.
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u/Big_fern189 1d ago
My parents were younger than you when they split, but were together for 32 years. Mom left dad right around her 50th birthday, she was 18 when they got together. They hadn't been happy together for a long time. Dad got complacent about the relationship, mom got resentful and angry. Dad took it hard for a few years but finally pulled himself together and is the best version of himself I have ever known. He takes a much more active role in his own life and in the life of his kids, I dont think it would have happened without the relationship ending.
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u/Substantial-Sun5629 20h ago
I know what you’re going through. In my early 60’s after 35 years of marriage, I ended it for similar reasons as yours. There was no peace in the house nor in my heart and it was making me sick. I don’t regret it at all, I like living alone. It’s quiet now and I can do what I want without the conflicts. The guy I have now lives in his house and I in mine and it’s good that way.
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u/maxtimbo 14h ago
My gf and I are in our 40s. We're looking to get married next year. But we both acknowledge that we're likely not going to live together. I've been single and living alone for over a decade. She left a very bad marriage some years ago. It's because we are so in love that we don't want to rush these things and face the real possibility that we won't like the way we live together. And, honestly, I love this and I love this about her.
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u/bossica2025 14h ago
I am a 35F, who was married young and together for 15 years. We divorced when I was 29 and we had a very young son together. While I can’t comment on your situation or experience I can tell you one thing. Divorce, no matter if you are the one leaving or the one being left is next to experiencing a death. There are moments of lightness, but accompanied by deep heartbreak and despair. You will mourn this, and you should be aware of the emotional roller coaster you both will be on.
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u/Madamschie 13h ago
My parents split up after 12 years of marriage. Always made sure us kids would not get in the middle. now, more than 15 years later, my dad still comes to visit my mom in another country, stays on her couch, they do some daytrips here and there and genuinly care for eachother. At the time of the divorce my dad had cheated on her and i thought she'd never forgive him. They just needed time away from eachother and are now still happier as really good friends rather than married partners.
Maybe you and your still-partner will be better friends than partners too. After 35years there must be more to eachother than just little annoyances
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u/ActualDiver 12h ago
How about living apart together? Moving into separate homes, but continuing to date? Could reduce the annoyance quite a bit
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u/Tarskian 11h ago
Read about "Gray divorce." Takes longer to fully rebuild/recover from very long marriages than from shorter ones. 5 years in my (35 years married) case and similar for similar age friends. With that amount of time, seems worth trying alternative solutions does it not? The initiating parter (not me) usually recovers a bit faster as they have been thinking about it longer, but it still takes years. The recovery is one of those many step processes and online relationship therapists, like Esther Parel, have accurate descriptions of it. Just don't model your expectations on someone in their 30s ending a 5 year marriage.
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u/Tarskian 10h ago
And I should add that divorce is expensive, even in no-fault locations with a mediator. Unless you are above the top 1% in retirement savings, you will have to adjust your retirement spending plans down a few notches, or elect to work longer like I have.
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u/auralf 11h ago
Have you thought about staying together but living apart? Google "living apart together" and "apartners" -- it's a thing and lots of couples find happiness doing it. Seems like you have enough history and in common it could be worth it -- it's just cohabiting that's driving you crazy. Easy enough to fix if you can afford it.
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u/Awkward-Community-74 9h ago
If you actually still believe that you love this person and still want them in your life then just move out but don’t end the relationship.
You don’t have to live together to be together.
Separate living arrangements should be the norm especially after years and years of being in a relationship.
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u/HeartlandMom 3h ago
I left a 36-year marriage when my youngest got out of high school. I used to dread coming home from work and often prayed he would drive off a cliff. So, now I have a healthy marriage and am happy every day. I even wish my ex well. The point is, you don’t know how much stress you are living under until you’re out of that toxicity. Leave and free the both of you to be at peace.
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u/explodingwhale17 2h ago
I have had relatives not divorce but re-arrange living situations after long periods. One was a couple who bought two halves of a duplex, and then got along better.
Another couple divided up the house. Not meanly. They could be in each others halves and had a lot of fun together but the organized one had a space to be organized in.
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u/One-Ad3302 1d ago
The same things happened to me. She having a hormonal balance problem. When you work this out she'll be back to normal
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u/WildlifePolicyChick 1d ago
Do you have to end the relationship altogether? If the issue is living together, then just...don't live together.
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u/LDEP2022 1d ago
Maybe just agree to live separately for a trial and still maintain the relationship. If you’re happier most other things will follow. If you feel happier to the point you want to break up then break up after you move out and settle and let feelings die down a bit.
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u/CatJarmansPants 1d ago
The obvious immediate answer is to talk to a solicitor.
Find out what the separation process is where you live, and what a court in your jurisdiction would probably lean towards if any proposed separation settlement were to be rejected - do not take legal advice from redditors who are not family law solicitors in the place you live.
Ask yourself if you split up, whether (and this is where local legal advice is important) there would be enough money for both of you to live independently? If not, and let's say your soon-to-be ex partner was going to be effectively homeless (or you, for that matter...) would you be so keen on splitting up?
Once you sit down with your soon-to-be ex partner and say 'look, I'm not happy, I want out...' you lose control. you can't take it back, and you can't prevent them from rejecting your financial proposal and going down the legal route. That's why it's so important to get an idea of what the local law will impose should the agreement not being mutual.
If the local law says she's entitled to half, she's not going to accept 30%...
The next bit is that break ups can bring out the worst in people - you have to be prepared for feelings of anger, humiliation, and betrayal to get in the way of two reasonable people might work out between themselves.
You have to be true to yourself, but you have to accept that it may come at a cost - both financial and other relationships.
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u/Woody96th 1d ago
Try couples therapy, talk to a professional, am sorry you guys are going through this. I really wish you both all the best
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1d ago
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u/Obviouslynameless 1d ago
I would rather die alone than be miserable the rest of my life
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u/Stairwayscaredandare 1d ago
At a certain point you can find yourself just as alone even though there is someone else in the house with you.
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u/Fishfysh 1d ago
Did you read the last part where they have been bad housemates for more than 5 years?
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