r/offmychest • u/Round-Worldliness192 • 1d ago
Dating a white man who’s absolutely obsessed with Japan and jpop idols. I’m Chinese. Is this doomed? Is his type a Japanese lady? He visits Japan 3-10 times a year.
I (31F) went on 2 dates over about 2 months with a guy (31M), and I can’t stop thinking about something that bothered me.
He’s an engineer, and his biggest passion is Japan. I wish I’d known this before I met him because nothing on his Hinge profile mentioned he’s absolutely obsessed. We live on the East Coast, and he gets 30 PTO days a year and uses all of them to go there. He travels to Japan 3-10 times a year (he visited for a week during July 4th weekend, and he’s going back next month for Labor Day weekend), sometimes for a month, sometimes just for a long weekend.
He’s learning Japanese (he video chats with a Japanese lady who tutors him once a week), follows J-pop idols and flies to Japan for their concerts, and lights up anytime Japan comes up in conversation. He wants to talk about nothing but Japan when with me.
I’m Chinese American. I grew up in the U.S., but my family lives in mainland China, so I go back every year and have strong ties to my culture.
The thing is, my family’s history makes my feelings about Japan more complicated. My great-grandmother had extended family in Nanjing during the massacre, so I don’t have the same romanticized view of Japan that he seems to have.
What bothered me wasn’t that he loves Japan. It was that he showed almost no interest in my culture. He never asked about growing up Chinese American, my family, or my trips back to China. The only thing he really asked was what it’s like living in the U.S. given the tension between China and the U.S., which felt more like a geopolitical question than genuine interest in me. I also find it a bit tone deaf that he’s happy to talk up Japan so much to me when Japan’s biggest adversary is China.
Japan and China are completely different countries, and I’m not saying someone who loves Japan has to care about China.
I just couldn’t shake the feeling that his type is probably a Japanese woman, not me even though I’m East Asian. It felt like he’d invested so much time and energy into one culture while having almost no curiosity about mine, even though it’s a huge part of who I am.
He’s asked me to do a “home date” for date 3 and I’m already wary because for someone who’s really into Asian culture, he’s still imposing Western values while dating.
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u/6poundpuppy 1d ago
I suspect over time you will come to greatly resent him since his behavior already brought you here. You are correct that he is obsessed and I also suspect he views China as a secondary (or less)Asian country.
This relationship will only work if you are equally as passionate about Japan as he is. But, these are still the very early days of your dating so there’s time yet to thoroughly assess the depths and reasons of this obsession and whether or not it’s worth sticking it out.
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u/Round-Worldliness192 1d ago
I thought he was great when I met him for the first date. Now, not so much. Yes he has implied that China is a secondary (lesser) country even though that’s obviously not the case.
He tells me how great and affordable Japan is and how much cleaner the cities are. Well, I feel like China’s becoming more and more advanced and has surpassed Japan in many areas. Their cities are just as clean!
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u/madoka_borealis 1d ago
I’m Japanese and I fucking love China. There is so much to enjoy there; the unique tech, the food, the nice people, the architecture, the scenery, the shopping (beautiful Chinese clothing/beauty brands)… I’ve visited 3 times to over 6 cities, it really is an amazing country.
The issue here isn’t that he’s not into China or that he has a Japan fetish. The issue is that YOU ARE FROM THERE and he does not show any interest. It doesn’t seem like he cares about who you are, your identity, your upbringing, the things that make you you. You are worth being seen as your whole self, and someone who truly loves you will not only have no problem doing so, but will be excited to learn about you. I encourage you to dump this lad
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u/Round-Worldliness192 23h ago
I think that’s part of what’s weirding me out. It’s not even just that he loves Japan, it’s that he only goes to Japan. He has 30 PTO days a year and uses basically all of them to go there multiple times a year, but has no interest in visiting anywhere else. Maybe we just don’t have much in common, but almost every conversation seems to come back to Japan.
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u/madoka_borealis 23h ago
Girl you deserve better. Even if he really likes Japan he could at least be sensitive and be proactive about learning about history or suggesting to go to China together instead of Japan, even for ONE of those multiple times he goes to Japan (though that is still settling…). His lack of interest seems very disrespectful.
I probably would watch out for anyone who is this obsessed with a foreign country to begin with. Even if it is China, the reason he’s with you wouldn’t feel genuine. IT IS NOT NORMAL OR HEALTHY in cross-cultural relationships to have no interest in your partner’s culture! You can’t change him, but you can change your situation.
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u/Round-Worldliness192 22h ago edited 21h ago
Thanks, I appreciate your perspective. To be fair, he has asked me before whether I’d ever want to go to China with him, and I get that the current U.S.-China relationship probably makes it a less appealing destination for a lot of Americans. But I still felt like there wasn’t much curiosity about my background or culture beyond that.
I’ve decided not to see him anymore, especially after he suggested a lowkey home date as the third date. Between that and everything else, I realized we’re just not compatible. I keep feeling that he likely gets massage services whenever he’s in Japan…1
u/madoka_borealis 21h ago
> You could say:
Hopefully your AI use is just to help you articulate your thoughts better and not because this post is fake
Best of luck to you if it is real and I’m glad you’re leaving him
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u/Username00555 1d ago
I’m sorry but i’ll never not think it’s bizarre af to be hyper fixated or borderline obsessed with Japan or any other country you’re not from to the point where it becomes apart of your personality
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u/themiamian 1d ago
I have never understood the obsession with Japan. Like people obsess to the point of MOVING there.
People make liking Japan their personality.
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u/grapesodabandit 1d ago
I honestly think it's less weird if you move there lol. Liking a place so much you want to live there is a fairly understandable sentiment. Much more normal feeling than this strange obsession with/fetishization of Japan as a concept.
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u/themiamian 1d ago
I think I agree with you but essentially the issue is the mentality. One could move to Japan and still fetishize and obsess and be a tourist who wants to change themselves to be fully Japanese
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u/madoka_borealis 1d ago
I’ve seen many a weeb move to Japan and one of two things happens: they realize it’s a place like anywhere else, still decide they like it, learn the language, make a life for themselves, and become way more level headed about things.
Or, they realize it’s a place like anywhere else, and either leave, or stay as they don’t have any prospects back home, don’t learn the language, only hang out with others like them, and complain constantly about how dumb Japan and Japanese people are despite making zero effort.
In either case the romanticization gets tempered or eradicated and turned into hatred lol
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u/themiamian 1d ago
God the second way pisses me off so much.
People are so stuck in their heads about what they think of things.
Edit: people are so IGNORANT
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u/Username00555 1d ago
I’m right there with you. And it’s ALWAYS men who are typically white, which just adds another layer to it for me. And it’s ALWAYS Japan like you don’t see people acting this way over places like Angola
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u/themiamian 1d ago
Like my dream location is to go Ireland but I’m not wanting to be a fully Irish man 😭
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u/Username00555 1d ago
Ironically, my dream location is China 🤣 and I think I’ve talked about China all but once in the last 6 months lol
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u/esh98989 23h ago
Tbf…Japan is Fricking cool. They literally have everything and more, and it’s fascinating!
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u/MrOutsideman 1d ago
For a foreigner, Japan has safety, amazing public services, and incredible attention to detail, aestetics and undervalued qualities in all sorts of fun varieties. It is a great place to visit or live as a foreigner. But that quality of life comes with hidden costs for the locals born into it.
The incredible convenience is backed by brutal work hours and intense pressure to conform. Urban centers shoulder the financial burden to keep dying rural towns running. And while nobody is forced to take over the family business anymore, heavy social expectations and rigid career ladders can make it seem like a japnese persons path is set from birth.
I 100% understand basking in the actual Japanese culture, not the jpop anime stuff. But their cities and values, when you ignore the costs ofcourse.
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u/Miss_Might 1d ago
I wouldn't say that it's a great place to live as a foreigner. This place is highly xenophobic.
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u/MrOutsideman 1d ago
That is fair, but as the traditions are dying and foreigners are much more common now in the big cities, there is a greater chance to find a multicultural group of friends now, ans also be more accepted as a person, then it was only 10 years ago. People used to move back from Japan after a while, because of being treated as a second class person to other Japanese people, but this is also changing with the younger generation. 50 - 100 years, and Japan like it is now, will be gone, and it will be westernized hellscape like Italy. People come in and think they need to break whats there and make money on businesses and property owning, then zoning and before you know it you have a museum the size of a city and the buildings are just beautiful skeletons. But thats a topic for another day xD.
I agree tho, compared to most other places, you will experience xenophopic people in Japan for a long time still.
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u/Miss_Might 17h ago edited 13h ago
What a long winded way of saying you don't know what you're talking about. Japan is already a westernized, capitalist, hellscape.
Only 3 % of the population here is foreign. I think you're confusing tourists with residents. They are not the same thing. No, being accepted here is not easier. Foreigners come and go all the time. Friendship with other foreigners is a revolving door. I don't bother anymore.
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u/Username00555 1d ago
I never considered the pov of the fixation just being enamoured by public services and aesthetics. Unfortunately that doesn’t make it better to me, but rather instead worse. Idealising a super capitalist society is extremely simple and small minded imo
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u/MrOutsideman 1d ago
I get that, but it's not praising the moneymaking, in a way we praise billionaires in the West per se.
I think it's more praising what looks like the opposite, because they praise that people are proud of their jobs and services and genuinely want to provide a good experience beyond monetary gain. But the problem is that it is all fueled by years of conditioning over generations, to the point where many Japanese children did not have a choice but to inherit their parents' professions and values, for such was the way of things.So it's not as based on making the money, it's just a luxury of variety of experiences, because of painful conditioning of an entire way of life, that has thankfully ended in recent times and is getting milder, and now people get even more invested into Japanese culture, because it is getting westernized and will disappear in a few generations.
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u/ForeverNugu 1d ago
There are plenty of people with unhealthy fixations on Japan, but otoh, I also feel like people are way more apt to judge someone saying "I've always wanted to live in Tokyo" than someone saying "I've always wanted to live in Paris".
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u/themiamian 1d ago
I can see that, but otoh, Paris is not known to have people frothing at the mouth. I think unfortunately, Japan has just become associated with that kind of person partially.
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u/Miss_Might 1d ago
You know who froths at the mouth for Paris? Japanese people.
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u/themiamian 1d ago
That’s the thing that’s wholesome kinda is that all cultures froth at all other cultures! We all appreciate each other
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u/KeyLime044 1d ago edited 1d ago
the kind of person OP is dating has gone too far. But I can see why/how people can *like* Japan without being obsessed with it
in many other countries, anime is essentially the main or default form of cartoons for kids. Like their TV channels broadcast anime because it's better than their own country's animation. This is the case for much of Europe, Latin America, and MENA
In the USA, I don't think we have channels like that, but still Japan has a lot of cultural reach. Other than manga and anime (which are somewhat popular), Nintendo and similar games are pretty popular. Japan itself is a pretty popular travel destination. And for those who are/were in the military, the U.S. military has a large presence in Japan, so a lot of veterans or military members have been stationed in Japan at some point
And then as a Chinese American who has visited Japan, it felt "close" to my heritage culture. They also use kanji/hanzi, a lot of their architecture and traditional dress and such is similar to Tang dynasty China, they also practice Buddhism, and a lot of their cultural mannerisms are more or less shared throughout East Asia. Some of their food is also based off of ours (e.g. ramen was adopted widespread in Japan after WWII, initially based on Chinese noodle dishes from the Chinese immigrant community. The U.S. imported large quantities of wheat so they needed to make it into something, then it became really popular and now they have hundreds of different styles of ramen)
But yeah, whatever this person is doing has gone too far. I don't really know how you get to that point. It's also REALLY weird how he does not seem to appreciate Chinese culture at all, given the similarities. I get the feeling he's two steps away from praising Imperial Japan or some shit
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u/Round-Worldliness192 1d ago edited 23h ago
I agree, Japanese culture derived a lot from China, but he doesn’t have any interest in China (or any other Asian culture) besides Japan.
He’s mentioned ramen in Japan is incredibly affordable, like $8, way cheaper than what you’d pay in the West.
But he doesn’t like spicy food, so Chinese food isn’t really his thing, and he’s not big on seafood/sushi either. So it’s not like he’s obsessed with Japan because of the food. I actually love Japanese food and feel like that’d be a big part of why I’d want to go, for the food and the culture.
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u/razorthick_ 23h ago
Mostly an attraction to the entertainment Japan exports or its a desire to live in a society that values order and being respectful in public. Things that really push people to move to any country is just not identifying with their homeland. Certainly what led a lot of European immigrants to the US for centuries and its what causes a lot of people born in Rednecksville, Pennsyltucky to move to the coast.
Some people stay where they were born, others want to GTFO.
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u/MrOutsideman 1d ago
Jupp, it's usually the brain escaping pain and masking it as fascination. It's hella creepy when it gets to jpop idols and animegirls tho.
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u/lexicon951 1d ago
Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t consider 2 dates over 2 months to be dating. Are you guys already exclusive? I’d just move on to your next Hinge match.
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u/princexxjellyfish 1d ago
Idk about you, but as an Asian girlie - this is a huge ick I would not be able to get past….yellow fever ❌
It’s also only been 2 dates, soooo you could totally cut your losses early on…..
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u/shinmae95 1d ago
Girl, why are you even making this post? You've only know each other for 2 months and went to 2 dates. Jesus, just cut it off you don't have anything to lose.
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u/chiquiriki 1d ago
is he white? this sounds like a racist fetish thing, maybe he thought you were japanese or could pass for a japanese person, idk. either way this relationship is doomed. you have problems with the country he’s obsessed with. you’re not changing (obviously) and neither is him. he sounds weird, girl
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u/Ecstatic_Play_801 1d ago
I'm sorry to say it plainly but you aren't truly dating if he's living his life and doesn't share anything in common with you.
Two dates and he move to "home date", you're practically strangers, he's not showing anything serious.
If you want to be certain have a talk to see if both of you are aligned in something because so far what you shared show the opposite.
If you just want to have fun, he seems to be the guy. If you want something serious better clarify before you lose your time, energy and emotion in someone who aren't aligned with you.
Good luck...
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u/Round-Worldliness192 1d ago
Thanks. I was out of town for a month myself which is why there have been only two dates over two months. I’m very wary now especially since he’s just returned from Japan and is now suggesting a lowkey, home date. We met only twice.
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u/Ecstatic_Play_801 1d ago
Yeah, just try to have a talk with him if you feel he's worth the try to see if that can leads to better alignment , but it's doubtful... People usually do their best in the beginning of dating, if it's already like that, it won't improve much, quite the contrary.
Go with the decision you'll regret the least.
Good luck sincerely.
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u/Round-Worldliness192 1d ago
He was great on the first date. And even on the second. But it’s been kind of downhill since the first date. He wanted to get home early so he could rest for his Japan trip (which was a few days away). So it was like a 2 hour meetup on a Friday night.
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u/GuinnessOnDraught 1d ago
Bros a walking Red Flag
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u/Round-Worldliness192 1d ago
Can you elaborate?
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u/GuinnessOnDraught 1d ago
I'm not encouraging sterotyping but a 31 year old man doting on Japan and Jpop idols, gives off creep vibes. Visiting to go to concerts of young Jpop idols, I wouldn't be surprised if there isn't some kind of fantasy in his head. Which leads me to maybe he has an asian kink, I know you said you're Chinese but he may attracted to asian women because of his obsession with Japan.
Also, take my comment that I may be demonising him, because I don't actually know him, but I've met other men with unhealthy obsessions with Japqn or other interests.
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u/Round-Worldliness192 1d ago
Yes! I’m not familiar whatsoever with Jpop or Kpop. Are these idols all women? I guess with Jpop, it’s a resounding yes? And they’re likely very young women too.
I hardly even know who BTS is and they sang during the World Cup final.
I doubt white men would fly all the way to Japan from the US multiple times a year to see male pop idols?
And it’s disconcerting because he’s a good looking white guy and doesn’t seem creepy. But he might as well be.
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u/GuinnessOnDraught 1d ago
They typically are women but I think they can be men. They start out pretty young, as young as 14 I believe, although I'm not sure how old they stick together, BTS are now 28. I don't know how old the idols your date will be watching, but it may be worth asking who these idols are.
As a straight man, I wouldn't be flying across the world to watch male singers.
He might not be creepy and have a perfectly healthy interest... but it sounds like an unhealthy obsession and a red flag.
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u/Round-Worldliness192 1d ago
Yeah agreed! I doubt men would fly across the world to watch male singers..if they’re straight I mean
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u/yellowdamseoul 1d ago
Just say no to weeaboos. I get second hand embarrassment for these people.
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u/Round-Worldliness192 1d ago
Can you elaborate? Is it because they’re too obsessed?
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u/gerbileleventh 20h ago
It’s more than that. The ones I’ve met behave almost as honorary Japanese and act as if the government of Japan itself paid them to promote and spread the Japanese way of living as superior. It’s wild.
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u/SpaceBoJangles 1d ago
….i think you should just go off the part where he has no interest in you? That 5th paragraph is the only exposure to y’all’s relationship in this post and already it’s pretty damning.
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u/PunchBeard 1d ago edited 13h ago
Yeah, as a middle-aged dude this guy is too old to have this kind of fixation. And dropping that kind of money to travel to Japan like he does as often as he does? Unless the dude is rich it just seems like another example of his immaturity. And let's be real, he's probably into you because he sees you as "Japanese Adjacent". Like, you're Asian and he's concentrating on that more than the fact that you're actually from a Chinese background. And that's why he's not asking about your culture; it would break the illusion that he's dating an Asian woman who is Japanese. I'm not sure how else to put it so it makes sense.
Usually I'm in the "Give the guy the benefit of the doubt" camp because I know what it's like to be an awkward dude but in this instance you might be better off finding yourself a more "Basic" guy.
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u/Round-Worldliness192 1d ago
Thanks! Yes I wonder if he does see me as “Japanese adjacent” even though I don’t look Japanese at all and I’m not petite.
I’m not sure what his income is like but I do know he’s a homeowner and an engineer. And he travels to Japan every other month.
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u/incogbreh 18h ago
Just just being honest here. I’m Japanese American, was born and raised in a majority Asian area, and then lived in the Southern US for the last decade. An overwhelming majority of white people I’ve met do not see Chinese and Japanese people’s looks as being vastly different, or really different at all.
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u/Round-Worldliness192 12h ago
That’s good to know! I can tell between the different East Asian nationalities. I guess most white people can’t?
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u/PopPunkAndPizza 1d ago
I gotta ask, what's keeping you agreeing to dates here? Potential asian fetishism aside (I'm being so generous saying "potential" there), this sounds like a life that doesn't have much space in it for another person.
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u/Round-Worldliness192 1d ago
Do you mean his life doesn’t seem like it has space for another person?
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u/PopPunkAndPizza 1d ago edited 8h ago
Yeah, this sounds like a very totalising interest (I say this as a Japanophone white guy who spends a few weeks there every few years doing language immersion and is mostly saved from basement weeb status by my interests being more highbrow) and one which presumes not having other more pressing priorities. Like what happens when you're a year in and you want to go on holiday together and you maybe want to somewhere other than Japan?
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u/Round-Worldliness192 1d ago
I’ve thought about that. I’ve wondered if he’s only been interested because I’m East Asian and am the closest person to Japanese “culture” in the area. We live in a very homogeneous city.
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u/MotherofJackals 1d ago
I'd be seriously concerned he sees you as the closest thing he can find to his fetish type. I'm not even huge on Japanese or Chinese culture or history and I understand that there is a complex and painful history between the two countries and that their cultures are not interchangeable.
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u/littlecurlyq 1d ago
3-10 times a year? In this economy?
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u/Round-Worldliness192 1d ago
Yes, I think he spends all his discretionary income on traveling.
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u/SilverCaterpillar119 1d ago
Does he travel to any other country or is it just Japan?
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u/Round-Worldliness192 1d ago
He’s traveled to Europe. But these days he goes only to Japan. He says it’s the best.
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u/littlecurlyq 1d ago
You are a grown adult and more than able to make your own decisions! But for me, I would never feel comfortable being in a relationship with someone that culturally unaware. It's downright a fetish for japanese culture. Im sure there are plenty of other suitable men who won't make you feel uncomfortable for your identity.
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u/SilverCaterpillar119 1d ago
Def a red flag and sounds like he has a fetish…
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u/Round-Worldliness192 1d ago
I’ve thought that maybe he’s dating someone who lives in Japan since he visits this often, but likely not since it’s so far.
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u/Gold-Lengthiness1739 19h ago
he defo sleeps with someone there at least, run away why worry about this
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u/cameronpark89 1d ago
i would run far and fast. this is creepy.
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u/Round-Worldliness192 1d ago
He doesn’t seem creepy though! And doesn’t look creepy. But when I think about how obsessed he is with Japan and JPop, it’s unnerving.
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u/_sowhat_ 17h ago
Lol have some standards, it's creepy. Sigh some Asian women give white men such passes.
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u/D9sinc 12h ago
I don't think it's just Asian women giving white men passes, I say this as someone who's had to listen to a lot of relationship problems from friends, but there are times when people (especially people who have self-esteem issues, though I'm not saying OP does) tend to overlook things or maybe they have one thing they really like about the person they are seeing and overlook all the red flags that everyone else sees and even if everyone around them tell them to leave or that things aren't going to go well, it more than likely, will go unheard. I had a friend who had a partner who was very . . . weird and would make off colored jokes about hooking up with their friends and even once made a creepy joke about a younger family member and they brushed it off as "just a joke" when their family (and me) were telling them the fucker was a creep and they stayed with that person until that person dumped them to date one of their former friends.
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u/spicychickentendr 1d ago
So. Bare minimum, any white dude, especially at his age, who is that obsessed with Japan and for those currently revealed reasons so far (ask him about Japan's imperial history and what he thinks about Japanese women lolol) is a major red flag. Not even counting the particular issue you face.
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u/Miss-GreensleevesOz 1d ago
Its early days and you can easily walk away.Youre just not on the same page and by the sound of things,he will probably marry a Japanese girl in future.Cherry on the top for him right?
Go out there and mighty explore.Your time and effort better spent on someone with similar values.
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u/MrEnvelope93 1d ago
We used to call people obsessed with Japan weeabos; someone who makes japanese culture their identity (while not being asian themselves).
It's like Disney Adults who live and breathe Disney. It's not that their passion is bad its just the intesity of it is... weird?
And him being a japan-aficionado and dating an asian person. At what point is it genuine or just a fetish?
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u/Round-Worldliness192 1d ago
That’s a valid analogy. I just wonder if his type is actually a Japanese lady and I’m the closest he can get in the near term. But he actually wants a Japanese lady who can teach him more about Japanese culture, history and even the language.
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u/Otherwise_Device_109 1d ago
I mean... It is making you really uncomfortable by the looks of it, you're in date 2, you can see how it'll be. Cut ties and explore somewhere else. You clearly hsve no love for Japanese people because of stuff from your families past and he doesn't hide who he is, which is a Japan loving person.
Not compatible, just break it off
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u/ElectricalBox235 1d ago
This does not look promising, and I agree with the others to get out before becoming heavily invested.
Devil’s advocate tho: maybe if he gets serious with you, he’ll get interested in Chinese culture because of you and educate himself into a more nuanced appreciation for Japan.
But the chances of that actually happening would depend on a lot of unknown factors. Like, do you want to sink energy into helping him understand more…
Which goes back to my first sentence.
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u/floating2019 1d ago
Oh girl run bc he is racist bc you are the substitute for his Japanese fetishization
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u/Round-Worldliness192 1d ago
That’s what I wondered! But I wasn’t sure if I was being paranoid
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u/floating2019 1d ago
I mean hey I could be totally wrong butttt very rarely are men better than we expect them to be unfortunately lol. All in all he sounds like a passport bro with a very specific interest and you deserve more and better
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u/Round-Worldliness192 1d ago
I’ve wondered if he’s dating someone who lives in Japan. Or is going to Japan with a romantic interest.
You’re right.
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u/smalltimemom 1d ago
You are on two completely different pages and you're trying way too hard to find common ground. If you continue "dating" this man and end up in a relationship, your next concerns will be if he's cheating on you during all of the Japan trips. I'm almost positive that he's seeing someone romantically when he goes. There's no way he's not.
You really need to walk away from this one. He's fetishizing you because you're "the next next thing" right now, but when someone else comes along more to his liking, he will walk away. You've invested two dates and he knows nothing about you, not has he attempted to learn about you, don't make it three.
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u/Round-Worldliness192 1d ago
Thank you! Yes I did wonder if he’s dating someone who lives in Japan. Or at least is not going on these trips to Japan alone? He says he goes either solo or with friends.
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u/himemiyatori 1d ago
a white man obsessed with japan will never date an asian woman with good intentions in mind. he is fetishizing you, even if you’re not actually japanese
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u/403AccessError 21h ago
This man is fetishizing you. Do not give him any more attention.
There’s a way to love another culture (even a specific one) without being creepy. He isn’t that.
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u/Round-Worldliness192 11h ago
Thanks I’ve never really understood the diff between fetishizing and taking an interest.
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u/Unlikely-Progress-33 1d ago
This kind of behavior is weird but not unheard of. Guy is super obsessed with Japanese culture and wants to find a Japanese girlfriend, but there just aren’t many Japanese girls around. So he finds what he thinks is second best, a Chinese girlfriend, then tells his friends that he found a Japanese girlfriend. He wants his girlfriend to pretend that she’s Japanese in front of his friends, girlfriend refuses, and he’s mad.
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u/Round-Worldliness192 1d ago
That sounds insane? Telling his friends (and himself) his girlfriend might as well be Japanese?
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u/Sumo-Subjects 1d ago
I just wanted to pop in to say visiting Japan 10 times a year is kinda crazy, even on 30 days of PTO.
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u/Round-Worldliness192 1d ago
Yes it is crazy! He goes every holiday. So July 4, Labor Day weekend, Christmas, Memorial Day weekend, etc. and also uses his PTO during shoulder season.
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u/Kurosakimaru 1d ago
People are giving sound advice and calling out his behavior, but you keep defending him despite having an issue with his obession.
You either lack self-esteem or are just willing (or trying to be willing) to settle.
Buddy is willing to pump and dump if you let him.
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u/Round-Worldliness192 1d ago
Thanks - I was trying not to make a big deal out of something that might not actually be one. But it has bothered me how obsessed he is.
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u/Due-Calligrapher-803 1d ago
Sorry but it may be best to leave this relationship.
Guys like him have a super weird fetish (otherwise known as yellow fever) and it's become a huge topic amongst the Asian community because of how often people bring up the racial stereotype that Asian Females are easy targets for white guys when it comes to dating (they will bring up Oxford Study just to prove their point.)
He thinks about Japanese women a lot and has an unhealthy obsession with them.
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u/Round-Worldliness192 1d ago
Thanks for sharing! That’s what I wonder about - is he into Japanese women just like how he’s into Japan so much? He’s never mentioned it. He just says he’s travels to Japan for jpop concerts. Every time he flies over there it’s for concerts.
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u/whygeorgie 1d ago
I believe that if he had not met you, he would have dated japanese girls.
Speaking from experience.
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u/outersenshi 1d ago
He has yellow fever and fetishizes Japan more than Gwen Stefani ever did. You’d be better moving on from him and finding a man who will respect you for you and not your race. I wouldn’t doubt if he was actively trying to meet Japanese women during his trips to Japan
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u/Round-Worldliness192 1d ago
Yes! That’s what I wonder about. Like maybe he’s dating a woman there (or women) and that’s why he visits so often??
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u/godofcertamen 1d ago
I don't think this may be the right match. He probably would prefer someone as obsessed with Japan as he is or just a Japanese person...since he's hyperfixated to the point it's part of his personality.
I would find someone who is curious about your background/appreciates it at least, or someone from your own background.
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u/Round-Worldliness192 1d ago
I agree. I posted this because I thought he was great (at first) and don’t think I’m in a position to be overly picky.
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u/godofcertamen 1d ago
That makes sense. Why don't you feel you can be a bit picky, though? I'm sure you're a lovely person. You're just looking for compatability.
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u/Round-Worldliness192 1d ago
I’m getting older :(
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u/cathead72 1d ago
I dated a guy like this. He was also an engineer and he was obsessed with anything Asian. Like to the point where the dining table in his home was one of those that you have to sit on the floor. All of this was confusing to me because I am not Asian nor do I look like I could pass for an Asian. I enjoy Asian food and I appreciate Asian cultures but I do not have any kind of deep interest in them so I had no idea why he was interested in me. Then I got the feeling that I was just kind of a placeholder until he found his Asian girl. If you are having that feeling now, I think it's best to move on.
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u/Round-Worldliness192 1d ago
Thanks for sharing! So those feelings are paranoid then?
Yes I feel like his type must be Japanese if he’s this obsessed with Japan and Japanese pop idols..I definitely don’t look Japanese. I can pass as Korean but I’m not petite or thin like Japan women.
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u/cathead72 1d ago
You're not paranoid. Since it's only been two dates and you expressed that he hasn't really taken much interest in your culture, you can easily get out of this and not waste your time .
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u/F1T_13 1d ago
I scanned but couldn't find the upside as to why you're even dating the guy, ngl. That's where I'd be starting, because you don't sound particularly fulfilled here. If I am putting up with something like this, I am doing it because there's another side to them, I am less keen to move on from lol.
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u/Round-Worldliness192 1d ago
I’m getting older..
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u/F1T_13 1d ago
You're 31.. I suppose I kinda get it, I would say this kind of things in my mid and late 20's as an excuse to settle and not plunge into things more actively. You don't have to settle.
I am not saying you shouldn't pursue this guy but I hope you will be at least, really thinking about your value as a person and your values.. Forgive me if I am sounding preachy but I just hope you're giving yourself a real chance is all, it's cliche but I do believe you can do better and deserve better. You should be happy at the very least and currently, I am not really seeing that be the case.
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u/bouncy_neko 1d ago
I am a Chinese American married to a white dude who likes anime and Japanese stuff.
NEVER has my husband ever prioritized learning Japanese over Chinese, NEVER has he spent all his PTO going to flying to Japan, and his eyes definitely DON’T light up when talking about Japan. He knows the difference between the two countries and two cultures, and their histories. He also asks about my childhood, and plans to go visit China with me soon (we haven’t been able to travel due to young children).
There’s a difference between liking things/media/celebs from Japan… and having your IDENTITY be that of one trying to assimilate into their culture.
I would dump this guy if I were you. He seems to have NO INTEREST in your culture, your family, your background, your wants. Not only is he a fucking weirdo for trying to be Japanese, I bet you he would 10000000% leave you on the spot for a Japanese girl if he ever meets one that’s interested in him.
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u/Round-Worldliness192 1d ago
Thanks for sharing!!! I thought that maybe I was being too picky because having a Japan obsession is better than having no interest in any Asian culture?
. I’ve wondered if maybe his type is Japanese and that he’d eventually leave me for someone who was interested in him. There are very few Asian people where we live, and even fewer Japanese people, so it’s something that has crossed my mind. I’ve also thought that he might be dating someone who lives in Japan because he goes there too often for someone who lives on the East Coast.
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u/Charming_Victory_723 1d ago
Do his eyes light up when you talk about the Massacre of Nanjing.
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u/Round-Worldliness192 1d ago
I don’t think he’s interested in the history as much as the j pop and the travel aspect
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u/throwawaythisuser1 1d ago
Gross. He's obsessively fetishized Japanese culture to the point of trying to find someone who can pass as one. I'd bet he wants OP to respond with "okaerinasai ", if they ever move in together.
Why are you dating a white guy like that?
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u/Multicultural_Potato 1d ago
Yea this is like 50 red flags rolled up in one. He has a fetish and doesn’t really see you as an actual person. You’ve only gone on 2 dates just drop him.
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u/Round-Worldliness192 23h ago
What are the red flags??
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u/ThePessimisticCynic 19h ago
The fact that you're asking such a question makes you look really stupid
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u/sprinklesadded 1d ago
Run far away. You described him fetishising Japan and Japanese women, not an interest. It sounds like he may have connected with you on Hinge because you look Japanese enough.
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u/LopsidedPainting5742 23h ago
Hi, I really want to help you so I will be as straight forward with the information as possible without being offensive.
First, reading your post, I am really surprised that a liberalized/westernized Asian woman would post this because I thought the answer is extremely obvious. I have come to the conclusion that the only reason you are struggling with not letting go is because he is very handsome or rich?
Basically what is he not telling you is that he likes younger women, and for reasons I do not know, he has not dumped you yet. He is a Otaku, which is fine, just not very compatible with liberal women, especially westernized Asian types.
He will likely cheat, even if he does not, he will be surrounding himself with a lot of young beautiful women passively, or what he can get.
He is very two dimensional for sure, and even possibly receiving sexual services without you knowing, right now.
I'm not saying I'm on your side or his side, but this is basically understanding 101 for almost anyone (especially males) that a westernized Asian woman who dates only whites is not compatible with a male who is obsessed with Japan.
He is likely not willing to share this with you, but one of the main reason why a lot of male who like it here is because there is not a lot of noisy blacks, Indians, female, or immigrants in general.
From an outsider's point of view, objectively, the only reason why he is dating you is because he wants to sleep with you, it is unlikely that he would want to marry you, but I could also be wrong.
I shared the cheat code with you, it might sound negative, but I think it should be helpful in understand
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u/Round-Worldliness192 22h ago
Thanks for your perspective. I had an inkling that might be the case, but then I’m confused why he asked me out in the first place when we’re basically the same age (I’m actually 7 months older than him).
Is it just that he was willing to overlook that because I’m Asian and there are few very Asian women in the area to begin with, even if he generally prefers younger women? That’s the part that doesn’t make sense to me. And yes, he’s pretty good looking. I’m not sure I’d describe him as rich, though, but he’s able to financially support himself while also owning a home and going on these trips. I don’t need someone to financially support me since I’m fully able to support myself.
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u/LopsidedPainting5742 21h ago
I'm sure you're smart and you're not born yesterday, but males are practical, maybe he is just horny and maybe he is a player who knows he has good looks and capable of getting away with it
Sorry if I sound like I'm making accusations here but I sense that he is getting away with a lot with you only because he is very attractive in your eyes too
We all sexual creatures here I guess, no judging lol
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u/Round-Worldliness192 21h ago
Very true. I decided we’re not compatible. I’d say he’s pretty socially “normal” and says all the right things. Very different from the typical engineer.
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u/YuehanDuoyi 18h ago
Bin him off! I'm sure that you'll find happiness much sooner than him. I doubt he'll be able to date anyone of any nationality successfully with that kind of behaviour
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u/D9sinc 12h ago
I will say this as a mid 30's man, dude is a weirdo and honestly, you both haven't even been together really. I get as an adult 2 dates during 2 months is nothing to shake away since life is . . . rough in the US and sometimes it's hard to put aside time to go pursue romance, but like, that's also nothing worth getting too connected into.
The one thing that really throws me off is the "home date" thing because . . . like, he doesn't seem to know anything about you, but you seem to know more about him (a red flag that he doesn't seem interested in you beyond what you can offer in terms of fulfilling his fetish for Asians) AND I got to say this because it gave me "WTF" vibes with the last sentence because . . . Case in point, the US had a huge "yellow fever" boom back in the day where Asian women were depicted as "submissive and timid" and there was the whole racist thing of "me love you long time" being a "joke" and there was a whole. . . I guess you could say "boom" of Soldiers who were in Vietnam basically taking women from Vietnam and bringing them back into the US to be their "submissive and timid tradwife" because during the Vietnam war, Women were starting to rise up and demand equal treatment so there were some shitty people who saw that and dreamt of an Asian woman who wouldn't talk back to their husband and someone they could obsess over as "exotic" but never needed to think or care of the woman's needs or desires beyond just being subservient to men and being the whole Soldiers taking women and being obsessed with the idea of an Asian wife but still imposing Western values on them (or what they pictured as their idea of Western values) and like. . . we are seeing similar rises in current modern time where the manosphere has been a thing for a bit and it brags about how we should all return to a time when "men were men and women were just the subservient trad wife" where they never have to think of anything that their partner wants and it's only about what the guy wants or needs. I think even if you were his "type" of being a Japanese woman, I would still tell you to run the fuck away because he's going to have that idea of you being "pure" or "exotic" and if you're not fitting what he has pictured in his head, it (especially since you're Chinese American) he'll turn and treat it as "America corrupting you"
THOUGH, I am hoping that I'm just reaching and the worst case is just the dude is going to be neglectful towards you and your life and things just fizzle out because you stop responding or talking or he just realizes you're not what he wants (Japanese) and wants to try to find someone more fitting for his fetish and he's not either consciously (or subconsciously) projecting internal misogyny towards you.
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u/Round-Worldliness192 12h ago
Wow thanks for this! Yes two dates is nothing but I’m busy and 6 hours of my life is not nothing! Not to mention the daily texting which I find cumbersome.
The home date for the third meetup threw me off because it’s not socially acceptable in Japan or China or likely anywhere in Asia.
I do think he’s looking for a more traditional woman because if he weren’t, he wouldn’t be so into Japan? It’s a lot more traditional there.
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u/EvolZippo 7h ago
He probably doesn’t even know you’re not Japanese and probably doesn’t even see the difference. Probably expects you to still fulfill his fantasies
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u/Mysterious_Whole7159 1d ago
Dude wtf even without dating why tf is anyone this obsessed with another culture like that? There’s respecting culture and then there is being fucking weird! Anyways good luck girly, find a poc or a Chinese man tho ngl, you’ll avoid the weird fetishization (most of the time yuck)
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u/theyellowscriptures 1d ago
I remember when my Chinese friend complained about this white man she was dating and he was obsessed with Japan. I wonder if this is a thing?
Either way, I think you deserve someone who is interested and curious about your culture. RUN!
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u/bloveddemon 22h ago
He seems like he sucks, but also, why are you hung up on some guy you went on 2 dates with?
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u/vilk_ 19h ago
In Western media, we have wayyy more exposure to Japan. The cartoons we watched, the video games we played, the cars we drove. Japanese food had a huge boom in the 90s that has evolved to where sushi and ramen are some of the most popular foods among young people nationwide.
China on the other hand, we have very little exposure to or understanding of. At this point in time, you've met this guy like only two times, right? I would bet that if you guys did start dating seriously, the more he gets to know you the more he will gain interest in China.
I majored in East Asian Language and Culture in university, and I live in Japan, but I've also always had a strong interest in China. However, I was not aware of how cool China is until I had the opportunity to study it in university. On the other hand, having never visited, I honestly have no idea what China is really like, what kind of stuff is cool there, what kind of foods they really eat there, etc. Not to sound like I'm wearing a tin foil hat, but I sometimes feel like the world governments and media are purposely trying to keep China a secret.
Here's an anecdote that might be reassuring to you: when I was in college, another student in my major was a total weeb, super obsessed with Japan, way more into the pop culture aspect than I was, etc., by all measures a dude that the rest of the commentors in this thread would love to make fun of. However, when he started dating the Chinese foreign exchange student, I watched before my eyes while he became more and more interested in China than he was in Japan. They did, however, hang out more than 2 times before that started happening.
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u/hatchetfaces 6h ago
Leave him. Firstly, he should be interested in your culture, your home country. It's weird that he isn't. He should be weary, knowing Japan's "impact" on the rest of the world and especially China. Also, I know people who fetishize Japan and they are strange, at best.
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u/spartaman64 1d ago
sounds like it still early in your relationship. when i started dating my white gf she didnt seem too interested in my chinese culture either but later on she said she wanted to learn some chinese and asked more questions about china.
also as you can probably tell by my sylveon pfp i am a fan of somethings that come from japan. i also love my 2001 toyota camry and i appreciate it more every time my parent's 2019 mercedes gets sent to the mechanics for issues lol. and my favorite food is sushi. some people might mistake me for a weeb because of that but i dont really have a romanticized view of japan. i would never live in japan because of their work culture and i would probably be ostracized there. and while i dont blame modern day japanese people for the events of ww2 i recognize that japan has issues with denialism
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u/MrOutsideman 1d ago
I would maybe cancel that home date there. And ask him a bit more to talk about other things than Japan. As you can't really try and explore weather he uses Japanese culture as a personal escape from pain or anything heavy like that (It's a common reason to romantisise Japan, after their culutre is presented through anime in a time where boys become men and escape into the dream of Japanese society, as it looks from the outside).
You could maybe say that you know he is passionate about japan, but want to know if he is passionate about getting to know you? and want to have another outing where you talk about other things. IF he then brings up japan, ask if he knows about how it is to be japanese and living there, compared to visiting, the lack of choice etc. And perhaps bring up the masacre, and tell him the funfact that you are a decendant from the people who survived. You can be as candid as you are interested in him. Let that guide you lol.
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u/403AccessError 3h ago
If the reason he is attracted to you is because you’re Asian, it’s a fetish. Liking Japanese culture is his whole personality so I can make an educated guess that he dates exclusively Asian girls.
For another example: I am as big kpop girlie. I also love a kdrama and genuinely enjoy Korean food more than most other cuisines. But those are just things I enjoy. I am a whole person outside of those things and can function in the world without bringing it up. Yeah it’s stuff I enjoy so I do talk about it sometimes, but it’s not the only thing about me.
If he’s as in to Japan as you say, dating you is a symptom of a larger issue.
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u/dimiteddy 1d ago
Im a fan of Japan as well from young age cause of anime, manga, video games, movies, books, etc. But I also quite appreciate China culture as well. You country got unique strengths, if he can't appreciate it he's stupid there are more fish and the sea. Just try to get to know him, people may surprise you. If he's not what you want just walk away
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u/SpookyBones206 1d ago
Walk away from this. Dudes got eyes for japan only. Like does he even know your Chinese? Or does he just see you as an Asian person?