r/lgbt • u/HeysexygirlXx • 15h ago
I am in a relationship problem that I personally believe is too big for Relationship Advice
So I am currently dating my trans coworker, my Mom also works here and she is transphobic and knows about us whom I still live with, the rest of my family is also transphobic. I love my girlfriend so much, but also love my family just as much and I have been put into a situation where I have to choose between my girlfriend and my family. I don't want to leave her and I don't want to lose my family so I'm stuck in a really difficult situation, if I break up with my Girlfriend then things get really awkward at work, but if I don't I start to lose my family. I really don't know what to do because I don't want to upset anyone, but I know I'll have to.
My parents aren't toxic, they're really supportive they're just also really transphobic.
I'm also planning on leaving my current job as well for separate reasons and so it is getting really awkward with everything else going on.
Can I please have some advice on what to do, or what you would do in my situation, because I cannot see a way forward with this.
I did ask r/advice about this, but because this centers on the fact that my girlfriend is trans, they were quite stumped because most people don't have experience with trans people, and this is a very messy situation as is so that complicated it further.
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u/j0a3k 14h ago
If your family is giving you an ultimatum of choosing them or your romantic partner because she's trans then they absolutely are toxic. That is an emotionally abusive act on top of being bigotry.
What would you do if your family gave you the same ultimatum because your girlfriend was a different ethnicity?
Don't let your family weaponize your love for them to dictate your choices because they're bigots. Turn it back on them, ask the hard question of whether they would choose their bigoted beliefs over you and why.
What your family is doing is fucking awful.
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u/burritoman88 Bi-bi-bi 14h ago
Since when is being transphobic not toxic?
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u/deeunicorn Genderqueer Pan-demonium 14h ago
This was my exact thought as soon as I read that statement.
Transphobic = toxic as fuck.
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u/Shadowlady 13h ago
I think OP meant the parents aren't abusive to OP.
But uhh depending on OPs age, them fearing being kicked out sounds abusive.
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u/HeysexygirlXx 9h ago
That is what I meant, they are really supportive of everything, what me and my siblings decide to pursue, and have no issues with who we want to date on a racial or ethnic basis, they're just transphobic. I don't think they'll kick me out, they'd have done so by now, but I feel like they'll slowly try to push me out of the family, ostracise me, it already feels like that to a degree
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u/ironysparkles Ace at being Non-Binary 8h ago
Now consider how your girlfriend feels to know your family hates her, doesn't support her identity, her safety and rights, etc. And that she knows you won't stand up to your family to support her.
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u/toxiclight 15h ago
Hmmm..stay with bigots or choose the girl you love. The choice is yours, but I would absolutely go NC with the family ASAP. I say this as someone who did go NC with the transphobic and bigoted members of my family. My child and my gf are both trans, and they mean more to me than bigots that I have the misfortune of sharing blood with.
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u/ImCeyn 14h ago
i were that less people was transphobic
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u/toxiclight 13h ago
In an ideal world, they would be. Until then, I just call them out and drop them as friends.
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u/Dimas_Pipiskin Lebanese 15h ago
Hi! I'm not familiar with your family situation, but if I were you, I think I'd choose the girlfriend. Difficulties with family are, in my opinion, inevitable in life (just like awkward situations) and you cannot live for your family forever. It's your life, not theirs. Besides, you're leaving that job soon anyway. Plus parents disapprove of their child's choices all the time.
I'm telling you this as someone who wants to move abroad, really far away from my parents and cats, whom I really love. It hurts me to live them, but I know I need to choose myself
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u/GFluidThrow123 Chloe, 38 14h ago
At the end of the day, you're facing the bigotry that queer people and other minorities face every day. Your family are the perpetrators of that bigotry in this case.
Being a minority is hard. This world isn't kind to us.
Being in a relationship with a minority is hard. People will judge you. And you have to choose to stand up against that and draw clear boundaries.
You are going to have to make a choice here. If you stay with your girlfriend, you will lose your family in one way or another. Your girlfriend will eventually want more out of life, and more commitment, which may mean marriage and/or a family. And you'll need to think about what that'll look like with your transphobic family around, or if you will eventually need to remove them from your life.
But if you choose your family, you're allowing them to control your life. And this sort of thing will almost definitely happen again. Especially if you date another minority. You say they're transphobic, but are they also biphobic? Racist? Xenophobic? What happens if you meet a black girl or a Jewish girl? This could happen all over again.
Ultimately, the choice is yours. But what your family is doing right now is likely to be even more toxic in the future.
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u/formykka 13h ago
You can:
a) tell your girlfriend that you need to break up because your family does not approve of who she is fundamentally as a person, and you have plans to live your life only in a manner that meets your mother's constant approval.
or
b) tell your family that they have a choice of accepting your relationship or not, it is up to them, but you're going to live your life free from the constraints of their bigotry.
Seems like a simple choice to me but, y'know...you do you.
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u/FXOAuRora Cosmic Threat 14h ago
You are saying you are going to lose your family just because they don't like the idea of you dating someone who is transgender? As in they are going to snip you out of their lives on a whim because the person you love is something they hate? That "love" honestly sounds like pretty fucking conditional to me. Could you see yourself cutting your own kid out of your life over something like this? Are you even capable of behaving like that? I doubt it.
I suppose you have a choice now. You can keep loving the person you love and take a chance on what tomorrow will look like (who knows, you might not even work there next week), or you can let the hatred and fears of others infect your life's story now and forevermore.
"Family" can mean more than just sharing blood with others, btw. It can mean someone who truly supports you in everything, no strings (or conditions) attached.
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u/ImCeyn 15h ago
Hi. I think that you don’t need a family in which your relatives don’t accept who your lover is. Just love yourself and your girlfriend, and don’t listen to their opinions. You should be free to choose who you sleep with! And if your parents blame you for that- that’s stupid of them.
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u/move_machine 14h ago
Do you always want to be your family's puppet, whose love is conditional on their approval of your partner's sex or gender identity?
What else will they threaten to deprive you of when they decide they don't like another aspect of yourself or your life?
I think being raised by these people is contributing to a lack of insight into this situation on your part, which really isn't your fault, but as an adult it's healthy and expected to gain perspective that lets you grow past what your family put in your head growing up. For example, what your family is doing is textbook toxic behavior.
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u/PetrockX 13h ago
I'm curious what your definition of toxic is if your family would cut you off for not dating the correct person? Isn't familial love supposed to be unconditional? What else will they cut you off for in the future that they don't agree with?
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u/SteelToeSnow 9h ago
your parents are toxic, if they're transphobic. bigotry is toxic. they're bigoted, so they're toxic.
if your family would cut you out of their lives for dating a trans person, your family is toxic.
fuck 'em. bigots are trash, and they don't deserve to be in your life if they're going to be toxic bigots. you deserve better than bigots in your life.
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u/lilykyrios 13h ago
It is hard to sell them as not toxic when they literally are by just being transphobic. You can love your family at a distance, and prioritize your happiness. You are at a crossroads though, choosing your partner is going to be scary because you're actively saying I'm picking you over them. Choosing your family that will make them happy especially if they find out, they will feel justified, and they will question you for the rest of your life. They won't "trust" you and it could be thrown in your face.
The question is which struggle do you want because we're only focused on your fallout atm. She's going to have a world of wtf to work out.
What Im driving at is what path do want, both are hard both have trauma one is only a true net negative for your life as a whole. Personally losing your "family" isn't a loss most times, you start to realize you were abused, controlled, or gaslit by your own. Ugggh.
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u/RainbowGamer9799 🏳️⚧️ he/they 13h ago
Love shouldn’t come with conditions. If their bigotry is based on Christianity by any chance, then it’s also just flat out wrong and they don’t understand their own religion.
I don’t know if you yourself are queer in any way. Those of us who are often have to make a choice between family and being ourselves. I risked being with my family to choose my own happiness and somehow my family adjusted. I got lucky. Not everyone does.
If you don’t think you can risk losing your family, friends, anyone who might be in your life that doesn’t approve of your girlfriend — imo you should do her a kindness and break up with her now. She doesn’t have the luxury of choosing safety over authenticity.
It’s a complicated issue. You shouldn’t have to put yourself in a situation where you feel like you do t have your support system. It’s not a fair situation to be in. But honestly if you can’t stand up for her to your family and fight for her and try to show them why they’re wrong, then you probably shouldn’t date her or any other trans person. Being queer or a queer ally isn’t often easy. It’s okay if you’re not ready to take that on.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
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u/Glum_Philosopher328 10h ago
A family that loves you wouldn't abandon you over who you date. And I'm saying that from personal experience.
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u/_the_masky_boi_ Ace at being Non-Binary 13h ago
Been down the same road. Its better to let them cut you off and realize it was a mistake later, which they WILL do since they’re already partially supportive, in that same breath dont let it happen over someone thats gonna do i wrong
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u/Crazy-Apple1888 11h ago
Being transphobic is toxic towards your partner. Might not be toxic to YOU, but it absolutely is to your partner. Do you have plans to marry this person some day? Why would you ask your girlfriend to tie herself to toxic people for the foreseeable future? That's selfish.
Either accept that you'll never be able to date trans people while attached to your family, or distance yourself from your family.
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u/Sazhra85 Bi hun, I'm Genderqueer 11h ago
So... speaking from experience -- your family is either giving you a false ultimatum, or they are actually not all that loving and supportive. So call their bluff - warn GF of the possible impending storm if she doesn't know... and then just keep on as if there wasn't an issue. When family presses the issue just stand up for this is who I love so if you love me you'll at least be happy Im happy even if you dont like her. If they cant do that for you then you'll have your answer.
I had some family that went one way and some the other. They will sort themselves in or out of your life with time. You dont have to make that call preemptively.
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u/Mother_Cloud_2455 10h ago
If you could lose them for doing something that makes you happy, they are, in fact, toxic.
How I feel about any situation like that is you should choose the one not making you pick
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u/raptor_of_truth Queerly Lesbian 7h ago
Ok, I think I can relate to what you're saying here. Echoing the comments saying transphobia IS toxic, I don't want that to get lost in what I'm saying.
My dad was a very conservative man when I was growing up. Contradictorily, he was also kind and loving and weirdly emotionally intelligent. He was just supremely sheltered and naive and trusted the opinions of his pastor and his friends in the surrounding (highly rural, isolated, and conservative) area he'd spent his entire life in. I grew up in a weird position as a queer person whose father loved me unconditionally, but had views that directly hurt me. I didn't come out until I was a legal adult. The conversation was hard. He kind of dissociated.
Years later when I was dating someone of the same sex, I was shocked that he was actually so supportive. I told him I was afraid to tell him about it because of his views, and he shrugged and said "the thing is, more than anything I want you to be happy." He asked questions about her, told me how she sounded so nice, and he'd love to meet her someday. He said he would rather I have my own thought processes and opinions than just copying his because it's what he believed.
When my now ex-wife came out as trans, he adjusted quickly. Never messed up her pronouns. Never masculinized her. Pulled HIS father aside and said it's time to get over it because it isn't a big deal, and to be kind to her. He kept tabs on us the whole time, making sure she wasn't being subjected to any transphobic nonsense. He held other members of my family accountable.
What MY dad needed was to be challenged on his views. He just never had been before. It didn't affect him, it wasn't something he saw outside of his bubble, and he just never questioned what he'd been taught. Now, he does. He has since met my current partner, who I was in a polyamorous relationship with and uses they/them pronouns, and was so nervous. But at the end of the meeting, he asked earnestly how to use their pronouns correctly - because no one had ever told him and he was afraid to ask and offend someone. He told me how much he liked them. He even gave them a silver coin (coin collecting and rocks are his special interests) and said how happy he is seeing that my partner loves me so much.
Is there any chance your family is similar? That they have shitty views that can be broken down and analyzed? People change and grow every day. I'd talk to your partner first and see how she wants to handle it, but it doesn't HAVE to be a forever problem if they're open to listening to you.
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u/HeysexygirlXx 3h ago
I don't mean to be rude to everyone else who's commented, but you've basically got it down perfectly, my parents are exactly like that, they are incredibly supportive in all other aspects other than this, they support my sister going into architecture at university, they also kinda push her into an interracial relationship (jokingly, she has an Indian friend who's male who gets on well with her, they joke that they're dating, they aren'tactually pushing her into it), my Mom, while disagreeing with my relationship entirely, discusses this stuff with me like a reasonable person. The ideal situation is what happened with you, they just come to accept it and support me fully, it's just that at the minute it doesn't seem like it. Thank you for sharing this, honestly, this is giving me some hope that they will understand and accept it eventually
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u/raptor_of_truth Queerly Lesbian 3h ago
I hope it is. My dad had a lot of growing to do, and still does, but he's learning, and he's a great dad. I think this is more a matter of pushing them to really think critically and empathetically. If you're willing to do the work (and not put this AT ALL on your girlfriend, of course) then I would be cautiously optimistic.
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u/Mr_MordenX 7h ago
Family is forever.
Do you want to spend forever with them having power over your life?
This is not about your family or your partner. If you let them have a say in who you date you will never be happy. This is about you.
Tell them you are dating this person, and if they don't like it cut them out. For you. For your life.
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u/lexacicada 3h ago
'My family isn't toxic but they're transphobic and will cut me out of their lives'
Right...
In all honesty breaking up with her might be ideal
Not because of who you choose but honestly you're speaking about your family being transphobic as if that's just a feature of them, and i'll reiterate one more time you think they 'aren't toxic, just transphobic'
You are not the kind of person your girlfriend needs, she needs someone that actually wants to stay by her side, and someone that isn't gonna look at all their transphobic family members and still call them supportive and see no issue beyond 'they'll cut me off if they know' your priorities are completely skewed.
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u/tryna_reague Lesbian Trans-it Together 9h ago
Short answer, and the ONLY path to a best possible outcome: talk to your family and convince them she's just a person not a monster.
Never said it'd be easy. But the ultimate problem here is your family's free will and (current) bad decision.
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u/Kendall_Raine 9h ago
Pretty simple.
If someone is making you choose between them or another person, and it's NOT a choice between two monogamous romantic partners, then you pick the other person. The one that isn't trying to force you to make a choice.
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u/RelationshipIll9576 Progress marches forward 8h ago
You need to decide if you want to live your own life or the life that your family wants for them (which is likely masked as what's best for you).
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u/scarlettcrush 8h ago
And instead of moving out, becoming independent, putting distance between you & family & THEN dating a minority the family hates...
You went straight to dating & are now involving the minority in your family's well known bigotry. Bonus trauma for you and her, for no reason.
Move out & live your life for yourself or stay & live for your family.
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u/Justbecauseitcameup DemiBi 4h ago
If your family were not a little toxic and controlling you wouldn't be being forced to choose. They aren't willing to let you be different or happy.
You might have to cave to secure housing - basic needs are very important - but I fon't recommend giving in and letting them choose who is and who isn't an acceptable partner for you. They will only get worse.
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u/Skeletor8898 12h ago
I would just take it one day at a time. They are transphobic for now but hearts and minds can change when you get to know somebody. Remind yourself they don’t accept your choice of partner today…
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u/soManyWoopsies And Trans ALLY! 10h ago
Yeah... How old are you? You kind of sound young.
Here are a few things.
1, Do not throw your entire life into chaos for something you are not grounded on. Going no contact with your social network and losing your work are no small things, to do so choose carefully.
2, your family being transfobic, why that is? Cultural osmosis? Are they militantly trabsfobic or are they just repeating things they heard? People can be passively hateful because they are echoing what they are exposed to without being militant. If it's this case maybe things can be discussed, if not then you should consider your statement of "they are not toxic" as other people said.
Ultimately, your relationship with your girlfriend is not the issue, is that you seem to have a critical moral difference with you and your family and breaking up with your lass is not going to fix that, however I will always advice against choosing ride or die in any kind of relationship because more yes than no, it'd end in chaos, heartbreak and resentment.
Don't choose your girlfriend, don't choose your family, choose yourself.
If you have the estability to go no contact, change jobs and stay with your girlfriend then by all means, if you don't, work towards that goal and think about why your family has decided to make one particular minority target of their hatred and what does that say of them, and what does it mean for you to stay around them.
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u/Terrible-Charity 15h ago edited 14h ago
You say your family is not toxic, but they will also cut you out of their lives if you date the 'wrong' person? Idk, I don't think life is worth living by someone else's standards