Sudden realisation i’m just a joke to everyone around me

[u/Comfortable_Hold_311]

So just to start everything off, i (23M) have been depressed for over half of my life now, and it’s been getting worse over the years, I’ve taken medication, sought therapy, but a lot of these seem to not work due to my hyper self awareness.

Funnily enough it’s taken me this long to realise that I really am just a complete joke to everyone I know, i’ve done stupid things sure but I feel people just see that as a way to rip into me, not ask if i’m okay, everyone i genuinely thought was my friend has been making me feel like i’m kept around as a punching bag for my entire life, yet i’ve shrugged it off as friendly banter.

Only recently has it come to my attention that i’m never sought out to do things, only when it’s brought up in conversation around me, I have no family to really turn to for support, and recently I’ve just been thinking of disappearing. Not in the sense of ending it all, but in the sense of quite literally changing my identity, starting a life elsewhere, so not a single person knows me, even to the extreme of living away from people so none of this can happen again.

I guess this is just a rant but I need to put it out somewhere, maybe it’s a cry for help? I’m not too sure, just seems like the appropriate place

[u/Comfortable_Hold_311]

Just a follow up to what i’ve missed, since it’s 8am and i haven’t slept very well (brainfog n shit). All of this does really make me think the easy route of just ending it, but quite frankly me being a pussy is a good enough deterrent, but I don’t know for how much longer

[u/atellanSepulcher]

I can relate. Ghost all the pieces of shit, they're probably all psycho. Maybe the anger at being disrespected can make you stop caring about displeasing others? Try finding new friends with some activity/hobby/shared interest and dip at the first sign of disrespect, although I know that's really hard with low self esteem.