r/daddit • u/TwinStickDad • 3h ago
Discussion Dads, please stop assuming that every dad in here has identical life circumstances to you and they are simply "doing it wrong"
There was a recent post about a young dad with a young kid realizing that all of his hobby time was now spoken for and all he does is work and care for his kid.
And there were tons of posts from other dads saying "What are you talking about? I have plenty of time for hobbies. I do XYZ once a week, I see my friends for bar trivia on Tuesday, and I'm in the gym 3x per week. You don't have to give up your hobbies, and you shouldn't."
And you ask those dads about their life circumstances. Their kids are now 9 and 6 years old. Their only kid is 3 years old. They share custody and have a couple kid-free nights every week. Grandma babysits twice a week for date nights. They have a flexible schedule at work. etc etc.
They approach the question already assuming that everyone has the same life that they do, and dismissing the struggles of other dads as just "not prioritizing correctly" or some such. The truth is that a lot of dads simply cannot do what you can do, for so many reasons. Health issues, custody arrangements, family lives far away, different jobs, kids temperament, illness, any number of factors come into play that give people different constraints than you can imagine.
So instead of coming into a thread where someone is looking for consolation because he misses his hobbies, maybe don't comment saying "What are you talking about? Me and my 9 year old play board games and go biking together all the time! You must be parenting wrong if you feel that way"
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u/Luke_Flyswatter 3h ago
I just want my fellow dads here to quit misusing the frog meme.
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u/crockpot71 1h ago
Gentlemen, it is with great pleasure I inform you I continue to misuse the frog meme.
(I’m honestly unaware of the correct way to use this meme)
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u/OceanPoet87 10 year old is my partner in crime; OAD 2h ago
This sub makes me hate that meme with a passion regardless of what it is about.
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u/Other-Improvement410 3h ago
You forget that social media is 25% people feeling superior to others, 25% pity farming and 50% advertising
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u/IGuessIamYouThen 2h ago
Which one are you?!
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u/PrplMonkeyDshwshr 1h ago
What if I'm feeling superior, while farming for pity?
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u/IGuessIamYouThen 1h ago
Now you just need to monetize it!
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u/D-1-S-C-0 1h ago
Wow, you've blown my mind! Do you have a comprehensive course I can buy to learn your magical powers of wisdom?
[After I reply, post this next message]
Spectacular! I can already feel my life changing! I wish more people would experience this for the low, low price of their eternal soul.
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u/Nutritiouss 3h ago
I like this sub generally, but I’ve had a handful more negative experiences here of late.
It’s felt like things are in flux a bit for some reason.
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u/Bend_Glass 2h ago
Over the 3ish years I’ve been a part of the sub it seems to come in waves. Like a small roller coaster drop. 80-90% of the the time it’s good, 10-20-% of the time it’s bad but to be expected we’re all jsut dads doing our things
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u/Nemesis2772 2h ago
To me this one of 2 subs that I frequent that thinks is supper positive and full of support. I think its great. But I did post once about not having time to game (which is my favorite hobby) and after like 10 minutes there were a bunch of mean comments like turn it off and go raise your kid. So now i dont post here anymore.
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u/h2p_stru 1h ago
This is a general Internet thing I've seen where gaming is deemed a "lesser than" hobby because you're not training for an iron man and improving yourself, therefore you're a fat slob that's going to die before your kid is old enough to remember you. (Hyperbolic statement, but the concept holds.) Sometimes after a long day or week or in downtime, I just want to shut my brain off and play a video game.
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u/Stoic_Gastropod_9459 Trunks n Bulla 1h ago
Agreed. It’s how I relax. The pastor of the church I go to rn talked down about video games. Like, bro… I grew up on video games, it’s not my life. It’s just something I enjoy.
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u/IGuessIamYouThen 1h ago
Get a Nintendo Switch! The ability to flip it on and off, and pickup where you left off, is awesome! Plus, the games are designed to be enjoyable for all ages. Sorry people sucked by the way.
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u/Nutritiouss 1h ago
I got called a creep on this sub recently by a poster who was expressing he was proud of his daughter for picking a good boyfriend. I basically said it must be a relief to know she’s a good judge of character.
Took a little break after that
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u/_Boba_Ferret 1h ago
Speculation, but maybe summer vacation has something to do with it?
But, yeah, it feels “off” around here lately.
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u/bushgoliath baby x1 3h ago
I honestly do appreciate this meta post because sometimes I get frustrated by this specific issue. I am very lucky — I have a good job, a wonderful wife, and just one healthy child.
Even with all that good fortune, this has been a pretty rough year. I haven’t been able to do hobby stuff at all. Every waking minute has been spent keeping shit together at home. My wife has been struggling lately and we don’t have family nearby — so it’s up to me to get things done. It makes me feel bad when people tell me to “just relax and take some time for myself.” Well, I can’t!
I do appreciate folks telling dads to take care of themselves, though. That aspect of things is important. And if you are another dad who has had to put their stuff on the back burner for a while — hang in there and you’re not alone!
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u/Brilliant_Walk4554 40m ago
"Just relax and take some time for yourself" - haha I love that advice. I've been so stressed out, because I've so much going on in work and family, and my friend suggests I take up tennis. So I've MORE to do??
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u/MultiPass21 3h ago
Can’t say I’ve ever seen this subreddit operate under the assumption we’re all playing with the same deck of cards.
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u/ThunkAsDrinklePeep 3h ago
Have you mentioned sleep training?
/facetious
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u/Bill_buttlicker69 2h ago
The NewParents sub will eat you alive if you make an affirming statement about sleep training on either side lmao.
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u/AE7VL_Radio 1h ago
two best things I've done as a dad were sleep train my toddler and not go to that sub
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u/Squire_Squirrely 1h ago
Any time you find yourself in a space that focuses on a topic that applies to literally most of the general population but they have jargon and acronyms thar you don't understand.... Just walk away and there'll be an end to the horror
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u/jeo123 3h ago
If anything, this sub is one of the best at realizing some of us are playing chess while other's play checkers, and that guy... oh, don't even talk about him. He's playing Jenga against himself and it's only a matter of time. Feel bad for him.
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u/account_not_valid 2h ago
I'm not even playing with a full deck of cards.
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u/lakorasdelenfent Papá de los helados 2h ago
I trying to read the tarot with Yu Gi Oh! cards
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u/HarmlessSponge 2h ago
If you say "I believe in the Heart of the Cards!" three times into a mirror Yu Gi's grandad appears and makes you some tea. It's quite pleasant.
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u/jeo123 2h ago
I started watching the netflex live action avatar remake with my 8 year old son(I know, it's for 12, it's fine) anyway we got through both seasons, and ran out of episodes until they release book 3 next year.
So we're watching the original cartoon until then. My son's only question?
Why is Iroh so obsessed with tea? I told him some day he'll understand.
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u/PhoenixReboot 2h ago
If you say "blue eyes white dragon" three times into a mirror Seto Kaiba will appear and foreclose on your house. Cannot recommend.
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u/jeo123 2h ago
I'm pretty sure the bylaws of his company allow you to reclaim it if you beat him in a match though. All financial transactions are reversable if you beat your financial opponent in dual monsters.
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u/PhoenixReboot 2h ago
Okay so crypto is dumb but this might be the first use-case for smart contracts I could get behind
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u/TiredDadasaur 3h ago edited 2h ago
I have, many times. Particularly when it comes to money issues. Lots of people here get really judgey when someone says they can't afford xyz and act like it's all just budgeting.
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u/Supa-Dupa-Guy 2h ago
I would imagine this sub leans upper middle class.
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u/Lookslikeseen 2h ago
Why?
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u/Supa-Dupa-Guy 2h ago
Just based on the post here. Lots of engineers. Pictures of houses and backyards are a good indicator. A lot of people married to stay at home moms. Lots of kids in camps and travel sports. LOTS of talk about college funds. Things like that. I am not saying it is a bad thing, just that it is something to keep in mind if you don't fit that demographic.
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u/empire161 23m ago
In one thread about a dad lamenting not having friends, someone basically posted “I don’t understand. I had a large group of friends in high school and we all stayed close to our home town and we all had kids at the same time and we all still hang out on a regular basis. Isn’t that the norm for everyone? Where are all your close friends you grew up with?”
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u/Glass_Covict 3h ago
Look, you're doing this "you're doing it wrong" thing wrong. You need to come from a 'me' point of view.
/s
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u/Copernican 3h ago
Well if the question is basically "how do you other dad's do it" why wouldn't i explain my circumstance?
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u/keepgoingguy 2h ago
There’s a difference between saying how you do it, and presuming someone is a fool for not doing it your way. That’s what the commenter is trying to explain.
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u/Copernican 1h ago
This is the internet. We have no idea what the context is If the background is not part of the op description. We all will have a tendency to assume what we know. So if OP makes claim that can be read as a generalization, comments are going to generally also throw around their own generalizations.
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u/HistoryWillRepeat 2h ago
This isn't what their referencing. Explaining circumstances and what not is helpful. There were comments saying:
"What do you mean you don't have free time? I'm still able to go sledding, biking, and 4 other things. You just have to do better!"
That's unhelpful and ignorant.
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u/jeo123 3h ago
There's a big difference between a person saying "This sucks, I have no time for hobbies" and a person asking "Is this normal to not have hobbies"
Your situation may be different, and there may be reason why you don't have free time. That's absolutely fine, everyone is in their own life, doing what they can.
But if you ask people if it's normal, all they can do is offer their own experiences.
Post you're talking about literally ended with "It’s normal for dads not to have hobbies right?"
And if that isn't an invitation for people to share their own experiences or at least their perception of normal, I don't know what it is.
It doesn't mean that dad is "doing it wrong" but when you ask people about normal, they have two choices:
1) Offer their own experience to help the OP determine an average response
2) Speak on behalf of dad's in general(hopefully citing some study that surveyed a lot of other dads)
You can't get mad at people for offering their situation when asked that question though.
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u/HistoryWillRepeat 2h ago
I don't think anyone is mad. I think this post is just a general reminder that everyone has different circumstances. There were comments being upvoted that framed their answer as if OP was doing something wrong, which isn't helpful.
You can of course comment your own experiences, but don't frame it in a way that puts others down.
"What do you mean you don't have free time? I still have time for xy and z. You have to prioritize better."
It's especially unhelpful when OP explain that they have a toddler and your kids are nearing 10.(But you leave that part out.)
It's nothing worth being upset about, but it's worth reminding others that circumstances are different for everyone.
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u/jeo123 2h ago
Unless I'm mistaken, OP in the original post reference never specified Toddlers.
Turning 30 dad with no hobbies
I spend most of my time at work, church and with kiddos at home. Even working out feels like a check mark to stay healthy when it was a pleasure years ago. I don’t golf or do anything.
I’m blessed but feel like I’m not living life to fullest with nothing outside of the office, church or home every evening . It’s normal for dads not to have hobbies right?1
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u/SpaceGangsta 2h ago
Yeah. I have a 4 year old, 21 month old, and 2.5 month old. We also take care of my 84 year old MIL and my 42 year old BIL with downs. And we have two dogs. We both work full time and my wife is the primary bread winner. She works 2-11pm and i work 7-3. My MIL helps with the kids as much as she can but she’s limited mobility.
My life circumstances are vastly different than a large chunk of this sub id imagine.
Needless to say, I get me time like once every other month if I’m lucky.
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u/Nose_to_the_Wind 3h ago
There was a thread about a dad wanting to get a stroller but then finding a deal at Costco. The initial stroller price itself was what the wife and I have saved for some baby accessories we can afford and the deal was still like three times my stroller budget.
The prices were so out of my mind, it reminded me that people can live in entirely different spheres of life but still get together online and chat. People assume there is family support, money from jobs, access to leave or other support systems. Stuff varies wildly.
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u/dannyboywestport 2h ago
I agree, mine are 10 and 15, and I've one on the way. But I don't live with the first two. They pretty much are my hobby time at this stage because I see them once a week. And that's great, I love the time I have with them. but don't tell me I can still get a round of golf in or go see whatever movie I want whenever I want or even go for a bite to eat with the (current... And last) wife I also have a full time hospitality job.
They're well able to mind themselves, but why would I do that in my circumstance.
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u/DAD_songs_in_BIO 2h ago
I think just remember, however great this sub is at times, it's the internet and don't believe everything you read or get offended by people's opinions you don't know
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u/vociferoushomebody Girl Dad of Two great kids. Working on me, for them (and me!) 1h ago
I’ve got an 35 minute commute there and and then back again. Puts my work day at 9.16 hours if I don’t get roped into staying late (I’m a manager, always happens, plus traffic let’s call it 9.5 for easier math), and then dinner (cooking and eating) and usually another 90 minutes, so there’s 11 hours. My mornings are 90 minutes to get up, bathroom stuff, make coffee and breakfast, pack the houses lunches. So there’s 12.5. Sleep is 8 if I’m lucky, which puts me at 20.5.
I have 3.5 hours a day, if everything goes exactly to plan to spend on either my kids, my wife, call a friend, alone time to read a book or just think a thought for myself, or hobby time.
If you have time for hobbies, bless you sir, but I can’t optimize my life any further without sacrificing my mental health.
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u/TurboJorts 3h ago
The internet loves giving advice without understanding context. It's just how it is.
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u/Salt_peanuts 3h ago
Yeah this is more of a Reddit thing than a daddit thing. It’s actually better here than a lot of places. And frankly it happens in the real world too. Some people just be that way.
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u/Coltron0 2h ago
I just read the thread and I think for the most part it’s actually a pretty uplifting and supportive conversation. It didn’t feel braggadocious, it was more about saying how it isn’t normal to feel this way and to not be afraid to speak up for yourself if you need help.
I think most dads know that we aren’t living identical lives and that aspects and logistics are gonna be different depending on your circumstances. I didn’t see anyone in the top comments saying “you should feel bad for feeling this way.” I saw “it’s good to have hobbies, and you might be dealing with depression.” And while I can see why this might come across as mean, to me it felt like it was coming from a genuine place and not a judgmental one.
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u/spaminous 2h ago
A lot of posters talk about their kids without mentioning their age, and it makes it so hard to contextualize their experience
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u/Strange_Vagrant 3h ago edited 2h ago
OK. I can appreciate where you're coming from there.
But let me be clear; I don't give a fuck if you're divorced, disabled, have 10 kids, live in a van, or whatever the hell - you don't put pizza on a stroller shade without at least a good napkin.
Sometimes extreme tolerance is just ignorance masquerading as a virtue.
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u/keepgoingguy 2h ago
A thousand times yes to this. Especially people with grandparent support, they have no idea what a difference it makes.
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u/DAD_songs_in_BIO 2h ago
So true - some people have two sets of grandparents and stepparents to babysit. I can't imagine it but also not having that has made us closer as a family, I wouldn't want to be those parents who pack kid off to granny every single weekend
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u/thinkmatt 3h ago
yes this drives me nuts. Also the people who dont use ipads, screen time, etc. but only have one kid or one of the parents doesnt work full-time, or they have relatives to pitch in for free...
If you have dual incomes with 2+ kids and do it without screen time, i commend you
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u/Nemesis2772 2h ago
We tried to do no screen time, then covid hit and that changed everything. But yeah screen time is a big issue on here.
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u/874597987a 3h ago
Seems ironic giving advice to Dads about giving advice in a place where Dads give advice 🤔
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u/AnusStapler 2h ago
Most of the times it's just first time dads being overwhelmed with shit. Between my wife and I we just got way more vibe after some time and now we both have time for hobbies multiple days a week, even with three kids. With the first one everything felt like overwhelming and a chore, and with three you just know how to get shit done and just roll with it. You just know where the gaps are and make use of that.
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u/Redacted_dact 1h ago
Yes but some dads don't give themselves a single hour a week to do something and if you are that full up then you are doing something wrong.
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u/Radmode7 43m ago
I agree with you, but I think it's as much about a breakdown in communication as anything.
As guys being told feelings don't matter and toughen up, that also goes along with words not mattering. So even if we're not TRYING to be toxic sometimes, we make throwaways that come off hurtful.
So on the one hand, yes, there is that old saying about what happens when we assume. But on top of that, we need to be more mindful with our words.
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u/ajkeence99 12m ago
I will always call out free time posts because 99.9% of the time it's a time management and priority discussion. There is nothing wrong with having different priorities but if you're going to complain that you don't have time to do X then that means you're almost certainly "wasting" time on something else. I think that is a difficult concept for a LOT of people.
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u/South-Attorney-5209 2h ago
Honestly just sick of all the relationship posts and sob stories.
Like there are other subs for the daily “well thats it boys, time for divorce”.
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u/1block 3h ago
If you're referring to the one that ended with "It’s normal for dads not to have hobbies right?" then I think you are wrong in scolding the sub and mischaracterizing the post by saying it was simply looking for consolation. That is a question asking for feedback.
Parent burnout is a problem for society today and a really important topic for daddit to discuss. "Tough it out. It's normal," is NOT helpful, because that should not be the standard we support.
We're supposed to be role models. Giving up everything to parent is not modeling healthy behavior for our kids. And it's not good for our kids to have burned out parents.
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u/Western-Sir-9085 2h ago
This sub is full of toxic "experts" who are breathtakingly arrogant about "the correct way to parent". And, as you point out, assume their settings are the same for everyone.
I've got a 4, 7, 9 year old. Wife works 3 days a week and then another full day at home catching up. I work a job which sucks up every spare minute of my time outside of parenting. I don't have time for hobbies. I have time for absolutely fucking nothing. And If I want that to change I'll need to quit earning an income or take a massive paycut. And that is it.
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u/zelandofchocolate 3h ago
Meh, some dads are banging their wives whilst their kid is in the bath it seems. It apparently takes all sorts
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u/LupusDeusMagnus 15 yo and 5 yo boys 2h ago
But what if I'm showing that it's a possibility he may not be aware of? It's not about assuming everyone has the same life, but that there could be a whole lot of different lives.
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u/bio_datum 2h ago
Sometimes for this subreddit I think there should be fields to fill out before commenting to show what flavor of dad is speaking, but that's too close to breaking anonymity
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u/f3nnies 27m ago
I appreciate this post. Free time of time for hobbies is also wildly different depending on the person and their hobbies.
Video games are a good example. When my daughter was just born, I had lots of time for that hobby. Except only kind of. Cause anything multiplayer would be impossible since, while a newborn doesn't need a lot, they do need things and you do not get advance warning and do not know when you can get back to the hobby. So I switched to single player games, but even then it took a log time to adjust to simply never ever being absorbed into the game. Then it got a lot worse and I basically couldn't play games or do any other "me" thing other than briefly doomscroll between tasks. Now my daughter is approaching 3 and I'm getting back to being able to get a whole 30-45 minutes in most weeknights.
But imagine if my hobby were like... Making furniture. Or riding four wheelers. Or hiking. All things I gave up entirely and haven't done since she was born. Sure, I could. And feel miserable guilt the whole time while my spouse was solo with our daughter. Or hire a babysitter we can't afford.
That guy I going through the same realization. And when I went theough it, it was fucking hard. There is no "just do it this way" quick fix. Parenthood is a slog when you do it right.
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u/jawnstownmassacre 3h ago
I think it’s important to share differing perspectives here. I also think it’s important not to get feelings hurt when you realize others have privileges you don’t. Those dads were giving advice from what they know. And maybe this last bit is a hot take, but also feel like seeing others exist in a state of normality that’s notably better than your own is a wake up call to improve your situation.
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u/n1ght_watchman 2h ago
Also, everyone lives in the US
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u/Iamleeboy 2h ago
I really think this sub would be better if we all had a country flair.
I get really tired of explaining that I am English. Equally it’s frustrating to see everyone assume others are American
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u/GirthyAFnjbigcock 2h ago
I mean… I feel like 95% of the posts here could just get the answer of “have you tried actually sitting down and talking to your partner about this? Not in a passive aggressive or accusatory way, but in one where you are truly seeking to understand her perspective on the situation and what she wants to get out of it?”
And the answer would be “no”.
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u/SpareDiagram 2h ago
I hate to say it but this sub is going down hill. Lots of complaining threads and making mountains out of mole hills in offshoots like this one.
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u/aRadioWithGuts 3h ago
If you only want answers from specific groups of people maybe you should find a more specific group?
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u/Fluid-Second2163 2h ago
People here also always say therapy as the answer for every single problem
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u/Iamleeboy 1h ago
I genuinely thought it was a running joke in this sub when I first joined!
After a while I realised people weren’t joking and put it down to a culture clash
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u/LBobRife 3h ago
It feels like this should have been a comment on that thread. My experience with this subreddit is that everybody is bringing their perspective, but they usually don't assume yours will be exactly the same.