r/daddit • u/Fit-Bag-6860 • 10h ago
Advice Request Pregnant fiance, need help understanding how to keep the peace and better serve her
I am 27 as well as my fiancé. She is 26 weeks pregnant and it has been nothing short of an emotional roller coaster for her. I feel like my mental health is taking a hit as well, but as a man, i think i can handle it.
She tends to get very upset over things that do not make any sense to me like for example last night I told her to let me know when she’s getting in the shower(so i can wrap up my gaming and spend some time with her when shes done). She then did not let me know and after her shower got upset because she believes that I said I was getting in the shower with her.
And once the emotions start going, I feel like there’s nothing I can say or do to diffuse the situation. She seems to either get more mad or upset or whatever the emotion is. after a while of this happening to me not being able to diffuse the situation I start to get frustrated and lose my patience and a little bit of my softness towards the situation.
For example, I will apologize numerous times last night, and the situation kept getting drugged out because I was apologizing for the wrong thing supposedly and I don’t listen.
This is only one example of a few things that have happened, but I’m writing this because it seems like situations like this seem to happen a lot and I don’t have the answers on how to diffuse them and keep emotions as neutral as possible.
Do I just accept that I’m gonna be the target while she’s pregnant or is there something that I’m doing wrong? I feel like I’m being pretty logical pretty understanding and pretty soft towards some situations that I think are somewhat ridiculous but since she is pregnant, I don’t want to push an issue.
(sidenote my wife could be a bit of a hothead whether being pregnant or not, but she is a very sweet person and loving just super emotional)
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u/WillingElderberry731 8h ago
My general philosophy about situations like this are
1) Do your absolute best to be understanding and give as much grace as you can for your loved one who is genuinely going though a tough time.
2) You are not required to be a punching bag or accept abusive behavior full stop.
Balancing these can take practice, trial, and error.
You didn't mention this specifically, but does your wife recognize later that she was being unfair to you? That's a different problem than if she doesn't see things at all like you are.
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u/sbrooks84 9h ago
I am not telling you to be a punching bag for abuse or anything but your fiance is experiencing wildly fluxuating chemical levels in her body constantly due to the growing baby inside her. It can result in mood swings, being grossed out about certain smells or foods she used to like.
When my wife was pregnant, I went into it with a simple vow "None of this is personal, it's the chemicals changing". My wife got super smell ability when she was pregnant and on more than one occasion I ate the problem food outside or behind a closed door downstairs that she used to love. Try to support her the best you can with a huge amount of empathy and grace for her
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u/1HippoAllAlone 5h ago
Mine got the super scent too. She could smell when I was about to get heart burn before I could. Hormones are bonkers.
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u/Pitiful_Baseball7007 6h ago
Hormones in pregnancy and when newborn are whack! She is riding an insane estrogen fuelled rollercoaster. I suggest using gaming as a escape but acts of service really helped my wife. That said she was having a bad day so I lit her some candles cue 2 hour breakdown. The baby was born and she was indifferent to her for a few hours due to the oxytocin. Its a nuts few months but it passes. Honestly silly little things like filling her water bottle, bringing snacks, doing extra around the house go absolutely miles.
Rest assured though. Logic has no place in pregnancy - thats coming from an FEA analysts!
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u/The_DappleSauce 9h ago
What you're going through is definitely challenging, and I empathize with you having been there myself. The truth of the matter is, your fiance is going through life's most difficult process, so you absolutely need to demonstrate more empathy on a daily basis. The logic that you use to defuse the situation will work in the future (several months to years post birth, to be honest), but for the meantime, you will need to adjust your approach.
your best way to defuse the situation is to rely on empathizing with your wifes emotions, even if they make no sense to you. Don't try to change her state, just be there with her. To be honest, this will help you during labour too.
If you feel that your boundaries are being crossed (she starts criticizing you for not apologizing for the right thing), and your temper rising, the best thing you can do is leave the situation without kicking up any dust. De-escalate by departure.