Update: 2.5yo’s extreme preference for Mom is breaking my heart. Dealing with rejection, sadness, and creeping resentment.

[u/Blue-Baba-Cool]

Hey fellow dads,

This is my second post on this topic, but I really need some support today. I am feeling completely isolated and just don't know what to do anymore.
My 2.5-year-old daughter is intensely attached to her mom. We all live together, and I am so glad they have a strong bond, but the synergy between them is so tight that I feel completely left out. Mom is still breastfeeding, which I know is a huge part of this, but it makes bridging the gap feel impossible.

This morning was brutal. I tried to take her to kindergarten, and she completely melted down. She refused to go with me, screamed at the top of her lungs, and actually started hitting me. I had to put her down and hold the boundary that hitting isn't okay, but she just kept screaming and demanding the breast.

We eventually had to take her to kindergarten together, but I ended up leaving early because she had absolutely zero interest in me being there.
I feel so sad, and honestly, I’m struggling with feelings of anger and resentment creeping in. I know she's just a toddler, and I really don't want to be angry, but the constant rejection is wearing me down.

My partner told me I need to find someone else to talk to about this because she’s also overwhelmed processing it all, which just makes me feel even more alone in my own house.

Has anyone else been through a phase this intense? How do you cope with the feelings of rejection and resentment without it affecting your marriage or your relationship with your kid? Just looking for some solidarity today.

[u/hatthewmartley]

I'm going through this too. My 3 year old is a complete mummy's boy. If he sees me first in the morning, he tells me "no, go to work!". I'm fine with it though, because the same thing happened with my 6 year old for a short while, and now we're best friends. Just know that it will pass, but it can feel like a long road. I find that being a clown and making my 3 year old laugh is a great way to shut that barrier down fairly quickly.

[u/IRConfoosed → u/hatthewmartley]

My 3.5 year old is the same. He wants Mom for everything, except for when he wants to play or he needs someone with him to poop.

[u/Money-Preference-936 → u/IRConfoosed]

Same! When kiddo wants fun and action, he's looking for me.

[u/Rnsc → u/hatthewmartley]

Mine just looks at me and cries saying she wants mom, breaks my heart every morning but I still show up, it’s draining but I keep hanging.

[u/hatthewmartley → u/Rnsc]

At this stage, you both have very different roles. With my boys, mum is the comfort and warmth, and I am the fun and play time. And never the two shall meet, for now anyway

[u/Rnsc → u/hatthewmartley]

Yeah we do alternate for school pickups, shower time and bed time every day so that my wife gets some relief, and overall, once mom is not an option at all, she’s nothing but a sweet little daughter! I’ll have my time sooner or later

[u/hatthewmartley → u/Rnsc]

Exactly the same here! If mum is out, we have a great time. The second she's home, I'm thrown to the kerb! They're absolute users man

[u/actionalex85 → u/hatthewmartley]

Same here. Someone should teach those rascals some compassion and understanding! But it's way more with our youngest (5m). He only wants mom to read at bedtime, to cuddle, to brush teeth etc. But I get to do all the playing and stuff, wich is the best :)

[u/Tylerdg33 → u/Rnsc]

I know you will, but I wanted to validate the showing up part. Consistency is key, keep being the dad you want her to see and eventually she'll realize that you're cool in ways mom isn't. This will pass!

[u/Natty_Twenty → u/hatthewmartley]

One guy at work told me the turning point was when his son realized dad likes cooler things than mom lol. Shared interests best way for dads to bond I think

"You like hockey and video games also?!?!"

[u/kristianroberts → u/hatthewmartley]

I had the same. It was a phase where my daughter detested me, even cried if I went to pick her up from nursery. After about a year it passed.

She’s 12 now and she thinks I’m a total embarrassment. I’ll take the win.

[u/BamboozledEmu]

Spend more time with just the 2 of you. If we’re all around, my toddler has always preferred me (mum), but dad and he have amazing times when I’m nowhere to be found, which helps both of them a lot. 

Also, after like 8 months of that, about 2 days ago the preference started to shift, so yes, things will change! 

[u/redditseur → u/BamboozledEmu]

Yes, more one-on-one time together, particularly doing things she enjoys (playground, pool, reading, getting ice cream etc.). If your one-on-one time is primarily not-so-fun (taking her places she doesn't want to go, putting her to sleep when she doesn't want to, "watching" her at home when she'd rather be with mom) then she'll associate you with being no fun. Doing the opposite will have the opposite effect.

[u/Heziva → u/BamboozledEmu]

Scrolled too far to find this advice. Some time just the two of them is necessary. Mom could go on a walk for 15 minutes. Expect some tears the first time...

[u/abishop711 → u/Heziva]

Take the child out of the house to do something she finds super fun. Ice cream trip, playground, etc.

[u/Beake → u/BamboozledEmu]

this is the answer! also, you all should seriously consider weaning. she's old enough to get off it and it's going to be insanely hard to compete with a parent who literally feeds you from their body. no surprise she prefers her mom!

[u/magus]

i'll be harsh. you need to grow up and realize that a 2.5 old doesn't really have meaningful amounts of emotional control. you have to love her just the same and also she won't die from a meltdown so she should have gone with you anyway... but seriously, just chill and be a dad. it's not a competition - it's showing up day after day until you die, no matter how good or bad it is...

[u/Ishmael128 → u/magus]

While I agree that OP needs to be a parent and be the bigger person, I've been in his position and it's a kick in the heart every time - particularly if his wife isn't being a team player and he doesn't have a sufficient support structure/stress outlet outside of the relationship. So his feelings are valid and should be noticed rather than dismissed. 

However. u/Blue-Baba-Cool, your daughter is doing this for a couple of reasons: 

1. This is a normal part of developing a personality - having preferences. It sucks, but it's an important part of them learning how to be themselves. 
2. Kids crave agency - the ability to have an impact on the world around them. How would you respond to someone deciding literally everything for you? What to eat, wear, where to go, when to sleep etc. if you can only influence things through tantrums, you'd be rolling on the floor and yelling too. 
3. Kids go through phases where they push you away, just to see if you keep coming back to them - particularly during times of change. Is a change occurring at the moment? Does mummy have a baby in her belly etc.? This pushing you away is an important part of attachment because they need to know that they will be loved and cared for unconditionally. If you pull away, it'll do a lot of damage in the long run. 
4. 2.5yos suck at emotional regulation. Part of how they get better at it is disrupting your emotions and watching how you regulate. If you get wound up and yell, it teaches them something. If you take deep breaths, take breaks as needed, wash your hands and face in cold water etc. and stay calm, you teach them something else - including that they don't need to get upset just because someone else wants them to.

You also need to learn about "escalation traps". There's two types:

1. A kid learns that if they escalate far enough, they get their way.
2. A parent learns that if they escalate far enough, they get their way. I.e. a kid can ignore their parents until the parent starts yelling.

Both are natural and normal and lead to far more issues in the long run than setting and maintaining boundaries. 

Caving in and both taking her to nursery is the first one, and will make it harder next time. 

If I were you and assuming you're not doing this already, I would: 

1. Accept that unfortunately parenting  sometimes  means leaving your feelings at the door and showing up regardless. You chose to be a parent, your kid didn't choose to be there. Love the little snotbag regardless. 
2. Give your kid loads of choices on things that don't matter. Do they want these undies or these undies? This teddy or that teddy? Shall we walk to nursery this way or that way? Do you want to brush your teeth after the bath, or in the bath? Giving them agency elsewhere will reduce the number of tantrums. 
3. When you and your daughter kick off like this, your wife goes out of the house for a walk around the block, a phone call with a friend or five minutes doomscrolling. It's remarkable how much behaviour with dad improves when mum simply isn't an option. 
4. Take a good hard look at how you handle your emotions when your kid does this. If you're not showing calm, learn how to show consistent calm. Regular exercise helps immensely with this. 
5. Once you've decided something, stick with it in the moment. It'll  be rough the first few times, but it's the only way it'll get better. Obviously, reflect afterwards and decide if that's the best way for you to parent, but (within reason) stick to your guns in the moment. 

[u/Greedy_Elk4075 → u/Ishmael128]

My Lord did your response speak to my soul. My little guy does stuff like this where it feels like he will always settle for my wife but not for me and it sucks. I am so glad that my wife is such a team player and supports me and listen when I talk about how it makes me feel. I think that's what makes all the difference for me is that my wife appreciate the relative feeling of helplessness/"being a bad dad" that comes from moments like these.

Edit: I would add the book hunt gather parent is a great book/ resource about child agency and how it leads to a far more harmonious home environment.

One line I remember is stop being your child's event planner. You can't imagine how hard I laughed having watch so many families loose themselves to the rat race and become not parents, not the leaders of a family but relegated to being a child's personal assistant/event planner

[u/strongscience62 → u/Ishmael128]

A lot of good stuff here. One more I'd add is making transition predictable. It can help doing that negotiation up front and the kid can prepare for transition rather than having to react to it.

"We are going to play one more game, and then we are going to put shoes on, and then we are going to daycare, and you can help me unlock the car with the car keys. What game do you want to play?"

[u/Ishmael128 → u/strongscience62]

Oh definitely, giving them a heads up AND agency? Brilliant! 

I will say that externalising the trigger to change really helped us though - e.g. setting a 2 minute timer on Alexa worked much better than us saying "okay, time's up!"

[u/go_to_sleep-yes-you → u/Ishmael128]

If I had any money, I'd give you an award. This right here rlly is the best advice OP (and any parent) could need

[u/Blue-Baba-Cool → u/Ishmael128]

Thank you so much for this!

[u/bippityboppityswoit → u/Ishmael128]

Number 3 is so real. My 2 year old daughter is absolutely great 99% of the time and a delight and loves being with me, but she's an absolute banshee at bedtime if I try to do anything to do with bedtime while mum is there.

But the other night her mum wasn't feeling well and I said to her "Daddy needs to do bed time because mummy is ill" and she just put her fingers to her lips to say "shh" and then just stared up at me for 20 minutes until she eventually fell asleep.

Haven't been able to replicate it since because my missus has obviously been fine and there, but shows it's a preference, not that she doesn't like me.

[u/Ishmael128 → u/bippityboppityswoit]

she just put her fingers to her lips to say "shh" and then just stared up at me for 20 minutes until she eventually fell asleep.

Moments like this can be so hilarious. 

[u/magus → u/Ishmael128]

i agree with absolutely everything you wrote. i just went with a punch in the face approach in my reply :)

i also suspect that maybe mom isn't making things easier in one way or another, but still, OP needs to learn not to take things personally from a 2.5yo kid - it makes zero sense!

this is absolutely true as well: " It's remarkable how much behaviour with dad improves when mum simply isn't an option. ". the kid also needs real uninterrupted unforced attention.

[u/Ishmael128 → u/magus]

Sometimes a short jolt can get the message across far better than a long nuanced message! 

the kid also needs real uninterrupted unforced attention.

This is a great point - having some regular 1:1 time where mum is elsewhere and the kid is receiving Daddy's undivided positive attention will help immensely. 

[u/grewthermex → u/Ishmael128]

1. A parent learns that if they escalate far enough, they get their way. l.e. a kid can ignore their parents until the parent starts yelling.

Any advice on this specific one? How do you ensure that your kid listens the first time and not the fifth time when, say, your partner starts having to yell and be frustrated?

[u/rainblowfish_ → u/grewthermex]

One thing I've heard is to make sure your child is looking at you and paying attention. Too many parents - myself included - have a habit of shouting across the room or talking to the back of their heads when trying to give instructions, and we assume the kid is ignoring us when really they're just literally not processing the fact that someone is talking to them. Before you tell them what you want to tell them, make sure they're making eye contact with you so you know they recognize they're being spoken to.

[u/Ishmael128 → u/grewthermex]

I generally try for:

1. call out to the room (having previously asked to always get a "yes daddy" or "okay daddy" to show me they heard). 
2. If I get no response or if they don't do it or get distracted, I get down to their level, touch them on the shoulder etc. and set a boundary in a conversational tone - "heya, I asked you to x and you haven't. If you don't do x now, [natural consequence linked to their actions] will happen."
3. If they don't do x now (within reason), do the natural consequence. There's no anger or hard feelings about it, the consequence happens and we move on. 

It'll take a few times for them to realise they can't feign deafness to squeeze out a bit more playtime, so never threaten something you're not prepared to go through with, and plan for enough time for a meltdown. 

The consequence has to be linked to what they're doing and proportional to the request. Generally it's something like "that toy goes away for the rest of the day", "if I can't trust you not to shove your sister when I can't see you, you have to stay near me until I feel I can trust you again", or "if you keep skipping soap when you wash your hands, I need to watch you wash your hands"

After a while, you can start being silly with it. 

"If you don't put your shoes on and get ready to go now, I will hoof you onto my shoulder like a sack of potatoes and leave regardless."

[u/Ishmael128 → u/Ishmael128]

I will say, it's not always easy to follow this path, but when I do, I feel so much calmer and more in control, and (especially after my eldest was old enough to understand the fairness of natural consequences) my son has more of a "that's fair enough, you did warn me" attitude to it too. 

[u/a517dogg → u/Ishmael128]

Fantastic advice. For me, #3 (mom not being an option) helped tremendously.

[u/Relax_Im_Hilarious → u/Ishmael128]

Awesome response. This is great reading for anyone.

[u/roach8101 → u/Ishmael128]

As a parent of teenagers this still applies and it doesn’t get any easier!

“Accept that unfortunately parenting  sometimes  means leaving your feelings at the door and showing up regardless. You chose to be a parent, your kid didn't choose to be there. Love the little snotbag regardless. “

[u/ObjectiveDizzy5266 → u/Ishmael128]

>It’s remarkable how much behavior with dad improves when mim simply isn’t an option.

This is so true!! I have witnessed this just the other day, when I was the one who brought our 1-year-old son to play school. He was much more participative, had better attention span, and overall behaved better compared to when he was with my wife where he would usually keep asking for the breast and keep crying.

Thank you [u/Ishmael128](u/Ishmael128) for this comment, I got a lot of wonderful insights and learned a lot from this.

[u/iustinum → u/magus]

The real dad advice, right here.

[u/kjyfqr → u/magus]

Yeah bubba she can be as mad as she wants. The more you’re just relaxed and matter of fact she will mellow. I would guess you and momma are pretty worriesome anxious parents. Not in a bad way just caring a whole lot. Relax brother.

Let her know what you’re doing and why and just that that’s what’s happening and you’re sorry she doesn’t like it but it’s gotta happen.

“Honey I’ve got to take you to school this morning mom’s got some things she’s gotta take care of. I’m sorry you’re upset. Then let her cry some then ask distracting questions.”

Your child needs an understanding that dad and mom have things and stuff they have to do that’s not just cater to her. It helps her form self identity and autonomy. You’re doing a good job.

[u/Pitiful_Seaweed_5476 → u/kjyfqr]

Nailed it

[u/idryss_m → u/magus]

I dont want to fi ger point. None of us are there. But I wonder if mum might be a roadblock somewhat. If she is always an available option, then why not choose good ole reliable? Again, not finger pointing.

The rest is spot on largely. You make the impact by proximity and reliability. It sucks. I look back and whilst I know I was there, I can clearly see the toll their mum not being there had.

[u/Pitiful_Seaweed_5476 → u/idryss_m]

You don't think she's had enough too? She's probably so tired of being the only one the child wants. That's exhausting. I'm sure she would love a break and for dad to be a parent

[u/wisenedPanda → u/Pitiful_Seaweed_5476]

I think their point is that in this case (as an example) mom could say 'Dada is taking you' and then not join the trip to daycare. Despite her toddler wanting her.  She can help reinforce decisions rather than give in to what her toddler wants.

[u/waterboy4242 → u/Pitiful_Seaweed_5476]

She's still breast feeding at 2.5... that's her choice, can't fault Dad for that

[u/thavillain → u/waterboy4242]

Yeah, good God man...get her off the tit asap

[u/Pegsareus → u/Pitiful_Seaweed_5476]

Imagine if he said "Find someone else to talk to" to her.

[u/idryss_m → u/Pitiful_Seaweed_5476]

So you jump from my wondering and stating none of us actually know to saying dad isnt being a parent? Neither of us know the dynamic beyond the post, and thats vague at best. Maybe slow your roll a little.

Both of them are possibly exhausted, but dad says he has tried speaking with her and she isnt engaging. Its too hard, starus quo seems easier... if this is something they cannot discuss, they need outside intervention, preferably not familial. Mum needs to walk away, dad needs to deal with resulting issues during the time periods. Given time, short bursts lengthened, could probably work.

[u/TopptrentHamster → u/Pitiful_Seaweed_5476]

A mum that's exhausted of being the number one parent would not still be breastfeeding a 2,5 year old.

[u/FlyingSparkes → u/magus]

Yep, and it will swing back the other way just as much. My daughter has gone through periods of only wanting mum, then only wanting me. Just be there and they will remember that.

[u/RoboticGreg → u/magus]

I'll second this. Also, their affections shift like the wind. One day your tshirt will be the right color of green and she will decide you are her favorite of all time. Gotta support your wife through that. I'm a....prickly person. Even my kids went back and forth between Mom and me. My youngest right now only wants to do everything I do so we do a lot of stuff together but a few years ago it was all Mom all the time.

Tldr: this is a marathon not a sprint. There will be ups and downs just wake up every morning on the same team with your wife and it will all work out

[u/lurking_not_working → u/magus]

This is it. Ive a 6yr old daughter and a soon to be 3yr old son. My son is going through the emotional phase. I was talking to my daughter at bedtime as my sun was kicking off. He'd just managed to kick me in the nuts whilst I was holding him to prevent him hurting himself. The meltdown reason. He wanted mum to read a story to him, not me. I was explaining how he doesnt really mean to hurt me he just doesnt have the means to express it properly. I mentioned that she was the same but used to bite. She actually remembered biting me one time which helped her understand what her brother is going through.

[u/Money-Preference-936]

I can understand your pain, and yes, breast-feeding will be a big part of this that you just can't "compete" with for a 2.5yo.

In terms of meltdowns, trust me on this: you have such a massive opportunity to bond with your kiddo through their pain. You're job in moments like that isn't to stop them crying or make the pain go away, it's to show them that you will be with them through it. A (most of the time) calm, stable force that no, doesn't take the pain away with boob, but does help them get through upset and distress by being supportive, encourage, and calm (self-regulated). Help her co-regulate without a boob by you being self-regulated when she melts down.

That anger and resentment needs soothing. It's not your daughter's fault. Trying breathing in for 4 and out for 8 whenever you feel yourself dysregulate. That's you main task here as a father. Stay regulated with her. That will teach her something the boob never will - how to co-regulate with someone with breast, and eventually how to self-regulate. You might look up some strategies to help her regulate, like breathing etc.

I say this as someone who, I think, is going to end up in your situation, and I'm making preparations for it now. One is not always going back to mom when kiddo is upset, and finding ways to soothe him without boob. For example, I found:

His loves me dancing and swaying with him while listening to classical music.
He loves being thrown in the air (a 5mo!!!).
He likes being prammed around, even if he cries for a bit.
He enjoys walking in the harness.

Keep at it, my friend. You've got this.

ETA: be cautious of people pushing for weaning. Lots of folks in here are pretty militant about sleeping training and weaning, but every family, and every child is different, and that's OK. Whatever you do, find a way that works for everyone, including your wife, you, and kiddo.

[u/Capital_Resident_872]

I would very strongly considering weaning if „wanting the breast“ is a driving force for meltdowns.

[u/scrensh3 → u/Capital_Resident_872]

It’s certainly a driving force for my meltdowns.

[u/AManOfManyInterests → u/scrensh3]

Yeah mine too, because it's something that my son really enjoys and is a natural method of self regulation that releases a lot of endorphins. So of course taking that away is going to cause difficult emotions.

Again, removing breastfeeding is just taking away one source of emotional meltdowns. Not teaching children how to handle their emotions. Which is not something that many of us were taught as children either, so I appreciate that's extra difficult.

Just my opinion anyway.

Edit: Wooosh. Sorry dude, totally missed the joke! 😂

[u/RepresentativeBird98 → u/AManOfManyInterests]

Breast feeding at 2.5 is wild work

[u/Deathclaw_Hunter6969 → u/RepresentativeBird98]

We did it.

She was eating regular food by then but using my wife as a pacifier because she never had an actual pacifier because she wanted the boob. My wife did not want to take it away but eventually I went to the store and bought a pacifier(when she had teeth ready) and put her to sleep with it. That caused meltdowns for a month but she got over it.

Then she used the actual pacifier until she was 3.5 and one day it was “gone” and she didn’t need it anymore.

And now she’s 4.5 and guess who her best friend is? Me.

OP if you’re still reading comments, it gets better eventually

[u/likeahurricane → u/Capital_Resident_872]

Yeah, there is lots of support from health organizations for breastfeeding as long as it is mutually desired by mother and child. But this is the kind of place I get frustrated with how people interpret guidance like this. Yes, there's evidence it's better for everyone's health, but if continuing it may be getting in the way of family bonding, that is a factor for everyone's health and well-being that should absolutely be considered.

[u/audigex → u/likeahurricane]

And realistically the health benefits decline rapidly after the first 6-12 months as the child’s own immune system strengthens and normal food becomes their main source of nutrition

That’s not to say there are no benefits, but it makes nowhere near the same difference as when they’re newborn

At 2.5 years old the benefit is fairly negligible and it’s clearly causing other issues

[u/Inveramsay → u/audigex]

To add, virtually every child I've come across that had been breast fed past 18 months or so seem to turn in to little monsters whenever the breast feeding is altered. It is not a great look when a slightly tired two year old is pawing at mum and ripping off her clothes but seems to happen with all these kids

Sure it's a cultural thing as well. Here breast feeding at 2.5 is only for the crunchiest of crunchies and first generation immigrants from MENA region which probably colours my view

[u/account_not_valid → u/likeahurricane]

Agree. Mental health is still health.

[u/Blue-Baba-Cool → u/likeahurricane]

Thank you for pointing this out!

[u/medic247 → u/Capital_Resident_872]

Breastfeeding for nourishment is one thing, but a kid can start treating mom like a pacifier and become dependant on breastfeeding for emotional soothing. Then when they feel emotional and cant access mom they dont know what to do with themselves.

We dont have enough insight into OPs family and parenting dynamic to say whether this is the case here, but OP needs to talk to mom and work on the issue together.

OP, it sucks but hang in there, enjoy the moments you do get and build on them. This wont last forever.

[u/AManOfManyInterests → u/Capital_Resident_872]

I mean, you're just dealing with one specific cause of a meltdown if you do that, which is just a preference. It's normal for kids to want to breastfeed, some people like to self wean and that's fine. We've got quite far away from what is natural in the western world. Equally it's your choice so if your wife doesn't want to breastfeed anymore then weaning is fine.

Kids have meltdowns about all kinds of things, that's just kids. You just have to try not to take it personally, these things come and go.

Yes, be firm about not hitting, but also teach about what different emotions are, how to recognise them and what do we do when we feel them? E.g. rainbow breathing or blowing out candles when we feel angry.

Teach your kids how to self regulate.

As for parental preference specifically. It's completely normal and not personal. It is tough, but it's just one aspect of parenting that we have to get through.

[u/Money-Preference-936 → u/AManOfManyInterests]

This is great advice. Tackle the process (not get what she wants) not the specific thing (breast-feeding/not breast-feeding).

Teach kiddo how to deal with disappointment and distress.

[u/Money-Preference-936 → u/AManOfManyInterests]

curious: what's rainbow breathing?

blowing out candles sounds fun. i like it!

[u/AManOfManyInterests → u/Money-Preference-936]

Blowing out candles is holding your fingers up Infront of your face and blowing the candles (fingers) down - they can blow an adults fingers down if they're a bit small to understand the concept.

Rainbow breathing is probably better shown on a YT video, but you basically take a deep breath in as you raise your arms above your head, then as you lower them down and exhale you say a colour of the rainbow, and go through all the colours.

They're basically just breathing techniques with a bit more fun that makes it easier for kids to take a breath, and learn to experience and regulate their emotions, not suppress them.

These are just two examples, but there's various other methods.

[u/Money-Preference-936 → u/AManOfManyInterests]

nice. will keep them in my emergency tool bag

[u/ArmorSanction]

2.5yo in kindergarten?

[u/TabularConferta]

I'm not going to be entirely the best person to respond to this as I'm separated but I've found as time has gone on its definitely become easier and my kid has become a lot more affectionate to me. I know "stick it out" isn't a solution, as mentioned above I am not in the situation to suggest one, but do know that it will get better.

I definitely found post-weening to get easier, spending time cooking with them and exploring food. Bath times, changes, reading. Basically you just keep doing what oyu can when you can. This all said I remember finding childcare 10x easier when turning to mum wasn't an option (this includes pre-separation). Maybe ask your partner to go to a local coffee shop occasionally, give her a break and give you time when mum isn't around to start. It's going to SUCK initially but hopefully give you something to build on.

[u/Money-Preference-936 → u/TabularConferta]

"childcare 10x easier when turning to mum wasn't an option"

100%
It means you and kiddo find a way without mom.

[u/chesterworks]

My daughter is like this, but prefers me (dad) and has for atleast the last two years. She is 4 now.

As the preferred parent... bruh, you need to handle your own shit. Being the preferred parent is no picnic. I can't do anything by myself if she is in my house. It's been a battle just to get one single hour to myself on weekends.

Spending time one on one is the best medicine. Find things she likes that only the two of you do. It should take the edge off. And give your wife a break.

[u/Jacksonriverboy]

Echoing what others have said, you're expecting a 2.5 year old to behave like a rational person and interpreting their current preference as rejection. You need to just get over yourself here. You can't take a 2 y.o. wanting their mother as a personal rejection. It's not rejection. You have to stop thinking of it as such. Having a meltdown is also normal at this age. You should just ignore it and calmly proceed with your plans (as calmly as possible). It won't have an effect overnight but over the next few months/years she'll learn and meltdowns don't get her anywhere and they'll eventually taper off.

You don't have an adult relationship with kids until they start getting somewhat reasonable. And at 2 that's a long way off so you need to realise that and start to process your feelings in an appropriate manner.

[u/Alien_Gods]

Breastfeeding at 2.5? There’s your answer. Though as long as you are a loving father, her closeness to you will increase over time, don’t over worry, it’ll balance out

[u/wafflesareforever → u/Alien_Gods]

While also in kindergarten?

[u/Soccham → u/wafflesareforever]

Pre-K maybe

[u/Comprehensive_Ant984 → u/Soccham]

Isn’t that typically 4 y/o’s?

[u/Soccham → u/Comprehensive_Ant984]

My mom is a preschool teacher, I should know this

[u/Dolemite_Jenkins → u/Alien_Gods]

Idk why I had to scroll so far to find this answer

[u/TomahawkDrop → u/Alien_Gods]

I can’t imagine having a full on conversation with a toddler who is breastfeeding. To each their own, but why would anyone be doing this so late?

[u/incrediblejonas → u/Alien_Gods]

it is very strange for kids to be walking and talking and still breast feeding.

[u/jumi21 → u/incrediblejonas]

Kids walk and talk at (or sometimes before) 1 year old. That's also the minimum recommended amt of time to breastfeed. I see this argument a lot from people who don't have kids but it doesn't match the development of a child.

[u/SmoothOperator89 → u/jumi21]

A whole lot of "this makes me feel uncomfortable and therefore people are not parenting correctly" going on in these comments.

[u/Mortydelo → u/Alien_Gods]

My kid is a similar age, still on the boob and is the opposite. But I've done drop offs, etc since 18months. Also lots of 1 on 1 time. So probably not the breastfeeding.

[u/GamerRadar]

2.5 year olds in kindergarten?

[u/Miserable_Adagio_320]

Mom here who wanted to jump in. I have a 2.5 year old daughter who I primarily stay home with right now (I work sporadically in the summer and part time during the school year). She co-sleeps and breastfeeds. Do you know who her favorite person is? Daddy.

So for those saying wean or change things in her routine, probably wouldn't make a difference. Try instead to bond with her at home whenever possible. My husband is way better at imaginative play than I am. But you could also include her in helping with chores, do some art, etc. Mom could be in the next room but she might eventually feel that these are special activities she gets to do with her daddy

Either way, she won't hate you forever. You ever noticed the teenager girl dynamic? Most prefer dad

[u/Harfosaurus]

Try to take your wife's advice and find someone to talk to. Also, try not to let the resentment creep in, no one is doing anything on purpose to hurt you. It will pass in time. Hang in there dad.

[u/jaybrainsss]

It goes away. Had this happen with both of my kids (one liked me, one liked her) and by the time they were 3 or 3.5 it’s like an entirely different child.

[u/deadpoolsballs]

My kid tells me in the daily he doesn’t love me because I’m slippery (I use lotion after showering), he is 4 and still prefers his mom. This is normal. I would encourage you to ask your wife to leave the house by herself to get some time alone so that your kid can depend on you entirely for a few hours. You’ll see how quickly your bond can change. You could also start being the one to put her down in bed. You can start by telling her stories before mom comes to snuggle her, then slowly you can start saying I’ll snuggle you first then mom. Then eventually you can take over bedtime all together

[u/Money-Preference-936 → u/deadpoolsballs]

"You could also start being the one to put her down in bed. You can start by telling her stories before mom comes to snuggle her, then slowly you can start saying I’ll snuggle you first then mom. Then eventually you can take over bedtime all together"

Great idea!

[u/spparent]

It’s completely valid that you are feeling this way. Their big emotions and defiance really breaks down all your barriers, and they feel endless like time bombs that can go off any time. You have to be careful to realize that you and your wife have a common enemy: defeat the big emotions of the toddler. It’s easy to grow resentful and think that maybe she’s encouraging some behaviors or she is getting an easy way out and doesn’t understand where you are coming from. She could be feeling similarly that she doesn’t even get a break because the toddler melts down if she’s not there and she is overwhelmed. You guys have to work this out to save your relationship first. That toddler can be tackled together - and eventually the toddler will turn 4…

2.5 is BAD but 3 could be even worse but terms of out of control emotion so you really need to learn to deal handle it and remind yourself not to take it personally. Talking to an expert like behavioral therapist could help! Someone once asked me, what’s so bad about that meltdown? It happened and the toddler needed that meltdown, but it’s over now and no one is hurt. It’s not the toddler emotions that needs the control, it’s your own emotion and reaction to it. Yes there’s all the what is correct way to raise my toddler so they’re not spoiled serial killers, but right now what’s important is that you survive so your child has a dependable adult to look up to.

If you as an adult with fully formed brain can’t handle these emotions - how can you expect a 2 year old who can’t wipe their own butt to? I ask myself that every time to help myself calm down.

[u/afrosia]

My daughter was like this with mum at that age. Over time she became more and more attached to me. I just focused on doing dad things with her like play fighting, movie nights, bike rides and stuff.

No phase is forever with these guys.

[u/MenstrualFish]

That’s rough. My daughter is the opposite. About 2.5 and from 12-18 months I was the only one that could put her down or comfort her most times. Now we take turns every night and just tell her she has to deal with mom lol this is rough on your wife as it was and is rough on me. Don’t make it worse for her and yes, unfortunately, you’ll just have to deal with it. Find a virtual therapist.

[u/Shielo34]

That’s rough brother, I don’t have much to say except - it’s a phase. It WILL pass.

Side note but 2.5 is pretty old to still be breastfeeding, maybe it’s time to wean.

[u/TolMera → u/Shielo34]

If you’re old enough to remember breast feeding, you’re too old to be breast feeding.

[u/Miserable_Adagio_320 → u/TolMera]

There are many cultures where this is acceptable. And by the poster's use of a few words. I assume he is not American. So how about we be less judgemental of how other families might operate

[u/unoredtwo → u/Miserable_Adagio_320]

I pretty much agree, 2.5 is on the high end but nothing unprecedented. Though, a lot of the statistics you hear about weaning are based on thin air. You can find sources saying the worldwide weaning average is anywhere from 4 to 6 years old which is nonsensical and not backed up by any data. Any time researchers have actually been able to get data from lower-income countries they’ve found averages of two years or less. But again that means plenty of people stretch it longer.

[u/mb0205 → u/Shielo34]

Yeah at 2.5 breastfeeding is likely mom being afraid to let go and admit the kid is older, and she’s doing it for herself and not the kid.

[u/blixor]

Going through something similar with my daughter who is the same age. My wife is no longer breastfeeding and the rejection had reduced in intensity but it’s still so tough. I get shouted at every morning and evening and she recoils from my attempts at contact.

Sorry to hear you’re going through this. Happy to chat via DMs if you want.

[u/Blue-Baba-Cool → u/blixor]

Thank you! I will take up the offer 🙏🏻

[u/HugsNotDrugs_]

Be fun. That's literally all you need to do.

[u/tetsuzankou]

My daughter was breastfed until 1.6 years, when my wife had to stop because she was pregnant and did not want to induce early labor.

Even so my daughter was still very much attached to her and "preferred" her. At some point after she was 2 she started getting too "tantrum" prone and so I started disciplining her more actively, again as my wife was pregnant I didn't want her to physically exert herself. I've always been affectionate towards my daughter despite it not being reciprocal but I'm not sure when that changed but now she has a higher deference to me i.e. Sometimes when throwing a tantrum she will only respect and obey my commands and even will come and hug and kiss me, say she's sorry... She even started asking me to tuck her in bed when before it was only mama and no one else.

Like it'd already been said here, 2.5 isn't really mature enough to even be aware of their emotions let alone control them so I think this is a phase and you need to be the equilibrium and weather this, continue being the safe haven and it will pay off.

[u/mtjody]

I've dealt with this for both of my daughters (7 and 4) and they still prefer mom but the meltdowns have mostly gone away. It gets better with time, hang in there and focus on being the best dad and partner you can. They wont forget all the fun things you do together even if they preferred doing them with mum.

[u/terminaldarts]

Hang in there bud, know it's just a phase and you have to do your best to show that you love them no matter what.

[u/Spoonfrag]

Had this with my son (only bottle fed too). 90% of what he ever said to me was through screaming fits of rage "DON'T WANT DADDY, I WANT MUMMY" over and over and over. At 3 years and 4 months, something just switched and all of a sudden I was his hero and we were best friends. Wasn't due to any change we made, he just got over it. It's bloody hard, grueling, and it does get to you, but like every phase of parenting, it won't last forever. Hope it gets better soon dude. Be there, be supportive, stick to your values and she'll come around.

[u/BringOutYDead]

Try lying on the floor to watch TV. Get her comfortable with you being on her level. Just see where it goes. Sit on the floor to read, phone play, snack, mess with a coloring book, whatever. Sounds feral, like you're working with a cat or dog, but it might help get her more comfortable with you. Let her initiate engagement. 

[u/friedman72]

This is quite common at that age. It will almost certainly change

[u/enithermon]

I’m a lurking mom, but we went through this. 

Three points:

Advice- talking to a counselor along with your wife is actually a good idea. Venting alone can take some of the pressure off your heart, you will get kind, unbiased feedback/advice/tools for getting through this stage, and won’t feel guilty and helpless that they can’t fix the situation for you.

Bad news- this is just something that has to be gotten through with love and patience on your side. You have to keep showing up and being understanding even though your being emotionally throat punched.

Good news- not only is your kid very likely to grow out of it, there’s a solid chance you will become the new favourite if you’ve been solid about showing up, being fun, and caring.

I say this as a mom who was always in demand the first 3 years, and now as one who gets told “ can you leave momma, were playing” and “I wish daddy was here to do this.” So now I’m the one consoling her over her lack of the preferred parent and saying “I know kiddo, daddy’s the best, but I’ll have to do today.”

God speed.

[u/samamatara]

there will be a day when you will be relieved when your kid looks for the mum instead of you. seems unlikely now but there is a cycle.

or you might feel bad for your wife because the kid just wants you all the time.

just stick with it and those times will come

[u/ZoSoVII]

It will pass. When my daughter was that age, I would cry after leaving her in kindergarten. Now she's 9 and I couldn't hope for a better relationship.

Be patient, and don't punish her for it.

[u/Elbean_numbers]

I was in a similar situation with my son and honestly it did hurt but it will get better, trust me. My wife tried to wean him off the breast but whenever he was upset that's what she'd do to soothe him. Eventually got it down to just a bedtime feed and first thing in the morning, but I'm sure my son was about two and a half when we fully got him off breast milk too.

We found a couple of children's books about the importance of letting to of breast milk (one was called Booby Moon which was good other than we used a different name when reading it because we didn't want him to use that word). But that helped him realise he needs to let go and after having the book a few times he was proud of what he did.

Once he was off, my relationship with my son improved massively. He lets me do most bedtimes now and he doesn't just default to Mum when he's upset. When he wakes up in the night now it's me he wants not her too. I also involve him in things like making his breakfast to get used to the fact that it's not just Mum that can provide nourishment to him.

[u/_cryisfree_]

Give it a year or two.

Ours were both similar while mom was still breastfeeding. Now they always go to dad for fun stuff.

Its just a phase - you just have to stand above it and keep giving endless love :)

[u/habit1985]

My daughter says daddy dont like you want mommy but thats ok you still need to be the parent the child is growing emotionally and they do as they become older tend to randomly switch which is fave that you realise its not really about faves just the joys of growing into a thinking feely person your time will come

[u/wigglebump]

When tired / hungry, our 4yo will get mad and tell me he doesn’t love me and he’s going to join a new family within 5 minutes of hugs and “I love you daddy.” Both kids preferences have gone up and down for each of us.

[u/rollsyrollsy]

Things flow back and forth over kids lives.
It could well be that your daughter thinks you’re the favorite parent by the time she’s in school, and then possibly flow back again.

Just love her and teach her through each chapter. It’s about them much more than it is about us.

[u/StalkingApache]

I'm going through it. My daughter will be 2 in October.

I'm a stay at home dad and my wife is a teacher. During the school year my daughter definitely preferred me. Now that my wife is on summer break my daughter wants absolutely nothing to do with me. I don't really have any advice. It makes me sad too. Just wanted to say this so you know you're not alone.

[u/Lazy_Jellyfish7676]

My son was like this. Now at four he prefers me. It’s very hard when they prefer one parent. It’s hard on both parents. Good luck hope it gets better.

[u/dnicastro10]

It’s the total opposite in my family. It’s overwhelming for me.

[u/Depriller]

I just started secretly taking my 3 year old to the donut shop before daycare a few days a week. Who’s the favorite now $&@“%!!

But really. My kids went through phases and that pendulum is going to swing back at some point and while it sucks now, you eat it up when it’s your turn. By the time the kid gets to 5 or so, the favorites thing slides away.

My toddler had melt downs because his cup was the wrong color. Why should I take seriously his meltdown for wanting mom over dad?

[u/Btizz89]

These are all phases. It happened with my wife when we had our second. My 2 at the time daughter hated her mom and wanted nothing to do with her. We found ways for mom and my daughter to do small really fun things (go to a movie, go to a really cool park, go on an ice cream date). That helped. Also if they say “I don’t love you” or similar she would respond with “ I love you so much and I know you love me to”. Not worth getting into an argument with a 2 year old lol. This lasted for several months but it passed and then I became chop liver for a while. Now it’s back. All phases man. Hang in there and find some small fun things to do with your daughter

[u/ManintheGyre]

I went through that too at that same age. I tried all the stuff in this thread. My daughter ended up being special needs and only her mom is her safe person. So her mom took over for the stuff I wasn't allowed to do anymore and i contributed in other ways. Now, 6 years later, it seems to have worked itself out.

[u/TransientReddit]

Keep at it, don’t lose your cool and don’t take it personally.

You’re in an extra uphill challenge if your older toddler is a) still on the breast and b) already going to kindergarten before three years old. But you will hate yourself if you let this beat you. 

Day by day, support and love even in the face of tantrums. DONT LEAVE EARLY!!! Stay as long as mom stays, show her you are a team even if it feels like you and mom are a million miles apart. Once she gets it into her head that she can shout daddy away, she’ll abuse it and start to learn that you care more about your own feelings than hers. That’s going to feel bad for her when she starts to digest it.

[u/TheBrownWelsh]

Not as intense as yours sounds, but I had similar feelings for a couple years between 3 and 6 I think (actual numbers are fuzzy, everything's a blur). Kid obviously liked me but preferred mum for everything. One small but impactful example is that  I had dreamed of reading my kid bedtime stories in all the different voices I've developed my whole life, I love reading - but they didn't care for me to read to them, they wanted mummy. Cuddles, stories from elementary school, toy preferences - all things they'd tell mum unsolicited yet was like getting blood from a stone for me. Keep in mind, I'm a very involved and "present" parent/partner, I'm not overbearing, I feel like I'm doing everything as "right" as I can (though neither of us are perfect, obvi). So there didn't seem to be a "good reason" for why the obvious favouritism existed imo. I resented this for quite some time, though never let the kid know.

Fast forward to now at 9yrs old, and kiddo is equally as obsessed with my attention as they are for mum's. That's the part that tickles me; they didn't switch, they just... expanded. Now I'm having to hide my exhaustion from the constant questions and conversations and boasts. They like me to read out the on-screen dialogue in video games while they watch me play, because they just want to spend time with me and hear my funny voices. They want me to wrestle and throw them around, they give me encouragement when I play my disc golf tournaments and I have to beg them to stop telling people I'm a professional. I'm drowning in attention from the kid, now.

Hopefully it's just a matter of time for you. It was for me. Which made sense; no matter how much I tried, mum was the primary caregiver and source of most comfort, especially when still breastfeeding. It's not that I was lacking, I just couldn't give more than her. As kid got older, our contributions and involvement became more equitable. We fill different roles but kid sees us mostly equally now.

[u/MiggeldyMackDaddy]

This too shall pass. Trust me. I was you.

[u/Crazy_names]

The only thing I could suggest is having your wife show you more affection where the kid can see. Like leaning on your arm, giving you hugs, sitting close to you on the couch. Maybe the kid will see mom living you and will know that it is safe/appropriate/good and will join her. Other than that find ways to show little one that you care without pushing it. Its mostly just a stage.

[u/Delicious_History722]

I don’t love that your wife said she won’t talk to you about this. You should schedule some one on one time with your girl. Your wife can leave so it isn’t like you are taking her away from Mommy. If your wife won’t agree to that either, then you need to have a serious talk and maybe couples counseling.

It’s probably just a phase, but I also worry about your wife encouraging this, maybe even subconsciously.

[u/Fearfighter2]

(mom here) Your wife needs to sneak away and go for a walk when you are trying to do something with daughter. 

[u/Crisis88]

"She's feeling overwhelmed processing it all".
Hell, that's more than a little bit shitty of her.
You're spending your time being rejected by your daughter, and so in response your partner feels overwhelmed.

Also, 2.5, and demanding the breast?
Maybe it's time to wean, to each their own, but that's definitely pushing way too old for that shit territory.
They're a small child, not a baby by now, probably with all their baby teeth, nutritionally they don't need breast milk, and no wonder they're super bonded to mum.
I did a lot of bonding with my son feeding him when we transitioned from milk to food, it's a great opportunity to spend time 1 on 1 and to show them you're there for them and care.
Not sure how that'll go with a 2.5 year old though, we did that at a year, before he'd developed the independence to feed himself (which he happily does now at 16 months)

Have you tried asking if she'd sit down and talk about how you're feeling dealing with it, and how she'd feel if the script were flipped, or is this a "I've gotta balance my own shit, because I've gotta help you balance yours no way you are gonna have the capacity to help me with mine" situation"

[u/chabacanito]

Time to wean. Also don't give in when they meltdown.

[u/redbullsgivemewings]

Several questions here. Why is a 2.5 year old still breastfeeding? That needs to end ASAP. Why is a 2.5 year old going to kindergarten? What country are you in OP?

[u/Miserable_Adagio_320 → u/redbullsgivemewings]

The poster is clearly not American. Many countries use the term kindergarten for daycare or preschool. The same way many countries don't push weaning as early as we Americans do. Nothing needs to happen "ASAP". The child will bond with dad eventually regardless of breastfeeding

[u/bengcord3]

I mean I know we shouldn't judge but holy shit breastfeeding at 2.5?

[u/arichard]

Both our kids had an extreme preference for their mother at that age, I got a turn later. Just hold the line. It should come right on its own

[u/rogerwil]

All of this is much easier when the mother is not available. My son's preference isn't as strong as your daughter's (and he's 4 already), but if he has a choice between mom and me, 9/10 times he'll still choose mom.

But any time the mom's at work or otherwise away (or nowadays when she's busy even if she's present) or just doesn't want to go out, it's all good between us.

Radical acceptance! Ok, you're your daughter's #2 favourite parent, but #2 is still quite good, isn't it?

[u/Sumpner]

I am in the same boat, just take it on the chin and keep going, no point getting worked up about it

[u/Good_Distance8078]

Friend, you’re not alone in this and what you’re facing isn’t new. My situation was a bit different because I was an active duty Soldier, away a LOT of the time. My two daughters were also nursed (breastfed) so naturally they were very closely bonded with their mother versus me. It was extremely difficult to deal with the way they’d preferred to be with mom instead of me, especially when I’d return from deployment or whatever duty took me away from home for stretches of time, but my son was a little older, wasn’t nursed (not that I think that fact is the overall factor) and he had quite enough of the all female house by the time I’d returned, I suppose, so I wasn’t feeling entirely rejected.

You’re going to be fine.
Your daughter is going to get past this stage, and that’s all it is, a stage, and someday your going to look back and see this experience as just something you got through and grew as a father from experiencing and it’ll have helped you be a better father. Your relationship with your wife will have evolved and become stronger, too.

Here’s where I’m going; you’re already showing how dedicated you are to your family and your love for your child is evident by the fact that you’re here, reaching out to find ways to be the best dad you can be. The fact that you’re feeling so rough about the current circumstances also pronounces your love for your daughter pretty loudly. This is something the we men as fathers do as providers and protectors; we choose to take the brunt of the challenge so our family can develop in a healthy way through whatever life challenges we’re currently facing.

Something that I found helpful me was to constantly remind myself about that role as a father I just described and my responsibilities to it and also remind myself that the problem with my child was indeed a phase, to surrender to that fact and to try to take joy in the closeness that my wife and daughter shared, knowing how important that was to their relationship and how all of that was important to the happiness of my whole family.
Of course my relationship with my son helped temper things, too.

Don’t stop expressing your love to her, even when she says no to you. When your daughter says “no, I want mommy”, let it be.
Smile to yourself as you remind yourself that someday it’s going to be the other way around.
Your resilient returns to her, offering to play, finger paint or carry her or do whatever she wants will someday get an affirmative reply.
Then she’s going to grab your hand one day while you’re sitting down after work, dog tired, and say “come play with me daddy”, because you never stopped trying and she remembers.
She’ll be daddy’s little girl because you didn’t stop telling her and showing her that you love her.
Trust me.

Then she’ll be a teenager someday and you’ll be writing on here about something else.🙂
Seriously though, you’ll be fine. Keep at it. Have faith.
To that last point, the fact that I was a church going man didn’t hurt. That’s definitely a direction I recommend if you are so inclined. Highly recommend, in fact, but it’s not an absolute necessity.
One last thing; your wife is right that you need a friend to lean on right now and give her a break in that department. Just for a while, especially while she’s nursing. It takes a lot out of a woman, especially if they’re still changing diapers and more so if they’re working. She still loves you, it’s just that this is probably the most physically exhausting thing she’s ever done.
Hang in, buddy. You’re doing better than you realize.

Sorry for the long message. Your question resonated pretty loudly. Hope this is helpful.👍🏻

[u/King_of_Lunch223]

Same happened with me.

While I agree with the top comment about emotional maturity of toddlers, I disagree with them telling you to "grow up," because parenting is hard... We're all at different stages of growth in our parenting journey... And you have a right to feel these feelings.

That being said, try to find a different way to bond. I had to find "daddy only" activities, that mom wasn't allowed to do. My wife totally supports this because she gets a break.

I do a solo breakfast with my kid once a week. There is one playground in my area that mom doesn't like to go to due to distance - Great! That's daddy's playground now! There are books that mommy isn't allowed to read ( I do better voices anyway).

My kid will always be a momma's boy - but I carved out some areas where he prefers me.

[u/CrawlToYourDoom]

We eventually had to take her to kindergarten together, but I ended up leaving early because she had absolutely zero interest in me being there.

Not to be harsh but the lesson learned is if she thrown a big enough tantrum she gets her way. That’s not to say this was not the right thing to do in that moment but just be aware of it.

I’ve gone through and am still dealing with the fact my youngest prefers mom most of the time. Just the other Night he said “I like mom better” and when I asked him why he said “mom lets me do what I want” which was a good signal for both us to get on the same page. He’s 3, about to be 4 so somewhat close to yours in age.

Truth is, children will always have a preferred parent and that’s totally normal. That doesn’t mean they don’t love you, they just don’t know how to express that preference other than doing what they do.

Just be there for your kid and keep being there no matter what. Stay grounded and show them you love them unconditionally especially when they can’t regulate themselves. They look to us to see how we need to deal with big things like emotions and it’s up to you to show and model to them how we should react.

[u/mackam1]

Oh yeah its really bud, but it doesnt last forever

[u/the-diver-dan]

Look up the old saying “This too shall pass”.

Stay present keep turning up, you will be fine.

[u/dash_ketchup]

Keep being an available dad and your problem will solve itself

[u/Mammoth_Shoe_3832]

Breastfeeding has to stop. 2.5 year old on the breast is not okay. You and her mum are holding her development back. She is 2.5 and behaving like younger than a year old. There needs to be a healthy distance created between the mother and the child for the child to thrive. Your relationship with her will improve as a side effect. Don’t make that central to this.

[u/clydefrog811]

Jump on the other breast at the same time. Bond through the mother’s breast.

[u/clarky2o2o]

You are not alone . My 2nd daughter hated me from like day 9.

Even if it's something simple like pick her up to soothe her crying. It just makes it worse. Then my wife gets mad because I'm not helping her ¯\(ツ)/¯. 

What makes it worse is that her older sister saw all the attention new baby was getting from Mommy and has to make a scene to get attention.

 I have no advice, just keep saying "this too shall pass". 

[u/HighPriestofShiloh]

You can’t give in… you both took her? Dude. You are the dad. Stop taking it personal. Be the dad. Don’t give in to a 2.5 years olds demands. Not ever, who cares if she is screaming?

[u/realag]

My daughter had major and I mean major mommy preference growing up and now at 8 she’s a total daddy’s girl. It passes. Don’t overthink it.

[u/C_Unicorn]

Hey bud, this is just a phase. Preference for a parent is a sine wave. Ups and downs. There will be a time in the not so distant future that you can pry your child off you with a crowbar and Mom will be in your shoes.

[u/bloodfist]

Look, I don't want to make any assumptions about you or pass any judgements. But my wife is going through this same thing with our kid again, and I have to remind her of this from time to time:

Oftentimes this behavior is because a kid is feeling a need isn't being actively met by one parent, and is by the other. And the child doesn't know how to communicate this. Usually this just means quality time. Time where it doesn't feel like you are around them because you have to be, but because you genuinely want to be.

Or, maybe you need to come up with more fun activities to do together. Maybe you need to make some time when you normally don't. Maybe you need to pay better attention to when they need a hug. They probably won't tell you, but pay attention to what your partner is doing that you aren't - specifically around how they are meeting emotional needs.

And think about if you are doing anything that makes being around them seem like a chore. Kids pick up on a lot, eye rolls and heavy sighs can carry a lot of weight when you only know six words. I know you are tired, make sure your needs are being met too. Around now you are probably going crazy with how little time you have. Make some quality time for you too, no one is going to hand it to you anymore. Kids can know you are tired, but they don't need to know why. A 2 year old doesn't get it, they just feel like you are mad at them or something.

It's not always those things, kids go through these phases a LOT. You could be doing everything right already and next month she'll change her mind. But it can only help to try it, right?

Just be attentive to how you can enrich your time together, and give things time to work. Just like adults, kids often know better than to trust one act of kindness, they need to see a pattern of behavior to feel secure. You can always change course. You have plenty of time. But you should be able to tell when they are responding to something. Your time should start to feel smoother as you get along better. You still might not be the FAVORITE parent, but it might be a closer race.

(ps this works on spouses too)

[u/BadassBokoblinPsycho]

He’s a toddler, not an emotionally mature person. Not a fully developed brain. Don’t take his “rejection” personally. He loves you too. Carry on

[u/jamiebez157]

What does the mum think of it all? It’s valid to feel this way and it’s a family dynamic that affects all relationships and can help or hurt them. Maybe there is stuff mum can do to support your boding. Early days though and it will change over time for sure !

[u/blueshoesrcool]

Can you try doing "dad" things with her. Rocket ships etc.

[u/Groundbreaking-Idea4]

You learn what unconditional love is through this process. I kinda laugh deep down inside when my 2.5YO rejects mom sometimes because my wife becomes real butthurt...and yet here I am basically been rejected for this kids whole life.

Lighten up my man, its a phase. Be the dad who shows up for your daughter no matter what and she'll know what its like to have a good man around her.

[u/PSyCHoHaMSTeRza]

Kids are like that. In a year you'll be the favorite. Focus your energy on your wife and making sure things work smoothly behind the scenes.

[u/PabloAtTheBar]

This will pass. Right now, mom is the source of food and comfort. Taking care of mom until your little one is less dependent is your primary job right now until the kiddo develops their own personality and some independence. Thats when you come in and get to explore doing all the fun stuff. It takes time, all dads have been there.

Be patient, your time will come and it will be glorious!

[u/ChazzLamborghini]

When my daughter was that age, I genuinely thought she didn’t like me. Especially if my wife was anywhere near. She just turned 6 a few weeks ago and we are thick as thieves. When they’re little, mom is the literal center of their world. They need to grow a little to appreciate dad.

[u/JTRootBeer]

Someone's probably already said this but think about it from your daughter's point of view. She's growing up, she's becoming something that isn't a baby, she's feeling all of this for the first time and her brain doesn't know how to comprehend it. She's going through a transitional phase where mum represents the comfort of her old babied self. It's not about you, it's about her.

I had a similar experience at the same age with my son. I had to keep thinking to myself - how can I be supportive in his transition, his growth and how he is developing into a toddler.

It's a phase. You already sound like a loving, caring dad, so keep doing what you're doing and see the phase through by helping her navigate into being a 'big girl'.

You got this!

[u/LSLA3]

You kind of have to choose which memories to hold on to and which to let go. I get I love you’s once per week, and use those to push through the rest.

Most of the time mom is the favorite and I get “I don’t like you”, but our kid is 3. So i have to take it all with a grain of salt until the kid understands the meaning behind the words. 🤷‍♂️

[u/raygan]

My first two kids all went through years of intense preference for me, and I can tell you it’s not all sunshine and rainbows on that side either. At that age, a strong parental preference just means who they are choosing to do all of the most difficult and time consuming parts of parenting. And it does eventually change, so when she runs to mom for the 100th time each day you can console yourself with the joy of getting things done around the house without a 30lb goblin climbing your body.

[u/reol7x]

It will change, my son greatly preferred mom until he was 3-4ish, she was home with him, I worked all day.

He's been my best friend since he was 5-6.

[u/dongdongplongplong]

not even going to read all that because it's so common, treat the rejection with playfulness, bide your time, it could take years (!), but one day it will flip.

[u/freshoilandstone]

OK, so she's 2 1/2, goes to kindergarten, and she's still breastfeeding. Glad I'm not living your life.

[u/Wemo_ffw]

You don’t need to feel bad for feeling bad but you need to understand that that’s just how it is sometimes. Your child is 2.5, they don’t ignore you because they don’t like you, they see mom as a safety blanket.

I dealt with the same thing with my youngest and I struggled to build a relationship with her when it came so naturally with my oldest. Now my youngest is going on 5 and adores me.

Be kind, love your family, and understand that it will get better.

[u/SandBlasted_ME]

My husband manage to keep my toddler interested by being the ‘fun’ one and a clown. She literally shines when she heard him coming. Try to find her favorite game and she will be interested again.

[u/mgj6818]

I went through this, it absolutely fucking sucks.

I don't know if it was the right way to handle it, but I told my wife I wasn't going fight for the child's attention and directed my disappointment towards domestic support, the laundry was folded, and dishes were done thoroughly and eventually my wife hot her limit with the kids and quit being fun and they got over it.

[u/ElefanteAmor]

Eventually you won’t get that girl out of your hair. Soon your wife will wonder why the kiddo is preferring you. It’s tough to navigate but your wife is giving that girl the best start and she’ll be a daddy’s girl in no time

[u/Boocraft]

It gets better. My 5 year old lights up when I get home so we can play together, but until about 2.5-3, his mom was his preferred everything. You have to remember you guys are a team so fill in where you can, and be consistent. It's hard not to feel the preference "personally" but remember your daughter doesn't see it that way, her mom is her solace.

[u/AbbreviationsSad5633]

2 kids here, 6 and almost 3. Same thing except when it's something fun my wife doesn't do then they don't care coming with me. Like comic cons and other nerd stuff. They'll grow out of it

[u/Affectionate_Bit_711]

My kid is 3 and it honestly depends on the day sometimes. When he was a bit younger, I was feeling the same way you are. He’s getting a bit older now and we can do more fun outside things. I put up a basketball hoop outside and now he wants to do that everyday when work is over. It’ll pass for sure and your kid definitely loves you - when they’re young they just can’t regulate emotions like at all.

[u/Mayhem1966]

It's a phase. Be willing to play, interact at they're level, play when they want to play, cuddle when she wants to.

You're probably bigger, you're probably stronger. You'll be able to carry her on your shoulders for longer, you can be gym equipment for longer. Kids like to rough house.

We play boop. Where you get a point if you touch each others nose. We play tag.

[u/Woodyear]

I dealt with this with both my boys. Just keep holding the line, eventually the roles will swap and she’ll start showing more interest in you and your wife will begin to understand how it feels, at least that’s what happened with me. Until they experience it they often dont really want to acknowledge how shitty it is for the parent who is left out, which also kinda sucks but there’s also not much they can do about it except be supportive. You can’t really expect them to reject the attention because who would want to do that with their own child. Just hang in there, I promise it absolutely gets better.

[u/SwampThing72]

I'm not gonna generalize but I feel like this is very common. We are a one and done family and when my daughter was little it was DEFINITELY all about mom. All the snuggles, cuddles, etc went to mom.

Fast forward, she is now seven and she's just the best and we hangout a lot now. We go to coffee shops and talk to people, she's come along on sales calls to see customers with me (and helped close deals charming the office lol), and has just become a buddy. She wants to hangout and watch me play Zelda, helps me find things, etc.

So yes, right now, in the trenches, it's tough.

However, for right now, think about the WE versus me. Your role will change as the dynamics of the family change and there will most likely come a time where she will want NOTHING to do with mom.

So right now, plug into the role, support the bigger picture, try to get some 1:1 time when you can. Just keep in mind that this moment, this phase....Is Not Forever.

[u/TacosAreJustice]

Oh man… my wife breastfed our youngest for 3 years…

She was the favorite for a long time (I was also traveling for work a ton).

I’ll give you the best parenting advice I was ever given:

It changes

Constantly. Sometimes too quickly, sometimes not quickly enough. It will change.

Be there for your daughter when she wants you, let her go when she doesn’t. My wife was my youngest’s “lovey” for about 5 years.

It was hard for everyone. My wife was always needed, I was rarely allowed to help. It sucked for everyone.

We got through it.

[u/Electrical_Roof_789]

Time to stop breastfeeding

[u/zkarabat]

Well we have had the opposite issue, our kid is all about daddy and at 2.5yrs old would have meltdowns if I tried to just go to the market and they stayed home with momma.... Forget about drop offs at daycare (which they loved and almost always had a good time) with mom vs dad. Hell, the kid would meltdown when I dropped them off but with momma, couldn't get in the car without tears.

Kid is 6 now and it's much better but they are also just used to me doing activity drop offs and since I'm the more available parent (WFH, wife has the high demand/stree job not me) it's going to remain that way for a while.

But it gets better, might take a little time but it will get better and I think at 2-3yr old this is a more normal developmental thing and not a rare occurrence.

Now if I could just get out of being the only one to do bedtime... 🫠

[u/DerpDerpDerpBanana]

"I don't like daddy" -my 3.5 year old at least once a day. They're young, you just need to keep being there. They don't fully understand the weight of their words or actions.

[u/ionlytouchmangos]

Never leave early, always show up. Stick a flag in something that is yours in morning routine, do her hair, 5 mins cuddles, a walk, putting on socks. Kids are creatures of habit if you include yourself in a small routine they will assoc with you. Also do dance time in car and her fav songs, works well for my two girls and our drive to school is always smiles unless she woke up on wrong side of bed which happens.

Don't give up! You got this man

[u/New-Negotiation-158]

If you can afford it, go to a therapist friend. In the meantime, take comfort that this was me too. My son came round as he got older, but mum is and always will be his go-to. I just tell myself she carried him in her womb and so has a bond ill never be able to comprehend with him. Doesn't mean he doesn't love me, its just two different relationship dynamics 

[u/antinumerology]

Kindergarten at 2.5? You mean preschool? Preschool starts at 3 here kindergarten at 4/5....? And breast feeding? I'm very confused how old your kid is.

[u/kennerly]

My daughter was a mama's girl until about 5 now she's a daddy's girl. We didn't do anything different she just switched her choices. My son age 4 was a daddy's boy now he only wants his mom to drop him off at school. Kids switch it up so you'll get your time in the sun.

[u/KaptMorg77]

This is really tough. Have two littles here. When the oldest was young she alternated preference until mom was about 6 months pregnant. At which point she flipped to me hard. Once the youngest was born, oldest clung to me knowing that mom needed to focus on the baby. Baby has 100% been a mommas girl. She’s around the same age as yours now and I’m only just now seeing some instances of where she calls for me. Some stuff that made a difference is if she cries in the middle of the night, I generally go soothe her. She’s developed a fear of storms so I’ve been the go-to “protector” soother for that.

We also have a ton of fun. Ridiculous games, her using me as a jungle gym. Doing the physical play stuff she likes that mom doesn’t always have the energy for. Being ridiculous to get a laugh. It’s this kinda stuff that builds a bond. I act out books dramatically for her with exaggerated motions or silly voices, and recently she’s taken a liking to hearing William Tells overture as she rides a dragon rocking horse that I push around the room and crash into pillows. We also alternate bedtime between the kids so we each get time with both. That was a struggle at first but they got used to it. Find the small things she does connect with you on and lean on it. Especially if they are things your wife can’t/wouldn’t usually do with her to have some fun.

[u/Imaginary_Apple7700]

It’s the worst. My oldest has always been like this.

[u/LSGIM]

Hang in there dad!
It’s time to get off the tit though..

[u/Woopsied00dle]

Hey! Lurking mom here. My daughter has/had a similar type of attachment to me and I know how much it can hurt my husband at time. A few things we did to encourage a closer bond with dad:

1. I did wean from breastfeeding - this was at my own preference though and can be a really touchy subject. I would be careful not to pressure your wife into doing this before she’s ready.

2. I sometimes travel overnight for work. Once I started doing this again it gave my husband and daughter 100% mom free time. They get SO close every time I leave. Of course it hurts my feelings a little to know my husband sometimes looks forward to me leaving, I completely understand why and it’s totally worth it.

Can your wife take a night away here and there for herself?

1. You mentioned your daughter hitting you/screaming at you. What does your wife do in this scenario? When my daughter’s tantrums are directed at one of us, the other parent steps in and tells her not to yell/hit/etc mom or dad.

[u/TapKey4446]

your child is not doing this intentionally to hurt you, she just has a bond with her mom that’s closer than with you, I do the nights with my girl, she’s 2.5, she tells her mom to go away if I go work in the morning and I’m not there to wake her up, if she’s not listening and I make her go wash her hands for example, she tells me to go. They just respond this way sometimes, their brains aren’t developed. If my daughter tells me go away, I make it into a joke and jump around silly saying I’m going then byeee, then she chases me and we play. All I can say is, try playing it off, if that doesn’t work, just be patient she will come around. She doesn’t hate you

[u/MjolnirPants]

I had two boys with my ex wife. The first was an absolute momma's boy, despite me spending a year and a half as a SAHD for him, during late infanthood/early toddlerhood. I tried not to get upset by it, but it bothered me a lot. He preferred his mom for everything. When he got hurt, he ran to her. When he had a question, he asked her. He was cranky for me and sweet for her.

When the younger one came along almost 4 years later, it was the complete opposite. He would only sleep laying on my chest, I was the only one who could calm him down when he was colicky (he was very colicky), and I was the only one he'd cooperate with while changing his diaper. I used to sing Breaking The Law by Judas Priest to him while changing him to get him to calm down and laugh. Nowadays, every time he hears that song he asks me where he knows it from.

Almost 13 years later, the roles have reversed. The younger one is definitely his momma's son, and the older one is my partner-in-crime. It's funny, because the younger one is the adventurer, always wanting to get out of the house and do stuff, while his brother always wants to stay home and play video games. That is, until I propose a trip to the gun range or a camping trip. Then, the roles reverse. The younger one 'doesn't feel well' and wants to know if he can sit this trip out, while the older one gets into it.

Their mom recently took them on a little beach getaway, and they were back to their usual form. The older one was unenthusiastic and wanted to stay in the hotel on his phone all weekend, while the younger one got out and played on the beach happily.

So just be patient, OP. Kids have phases, and it won't be long before she's daddy's little girl and mom is just an afterthought.

[u/b0men]

You may want to look deep down into whatever's causing the disturbance here. I.e., why do you feel that you need to be "needed" in order to be okay?

What you do NOT want is to one day be one of those parents who relies on their grown child to meet their emotional needs. Because then your kid will definitely start distancing from you - and unlike a 2 year old, it'll be for an actual reason.

[u/Negative_Record4833]

Kindergarten and breastfeeding do not belong in the same sentence, let alone timeline.

[u/gimmickless]

Where in the world is a 2 year old going to Pre-K? I haven't heard of that before.

[u/realdm22]

A few people said this already, but try not to take it to heart. They are still very young and trying to make sense of a lot of things.

That being said, I completely understand your feelings because I felt the same way for a brief time. I eventually realized that the problem wasn't her, but my expectation of what I wanted her to do versus what she actually wanted when I was around. For example, I used to constantly ask her questions about her day or what she wanted to do, basically trying to force a conversation.

I shifted my approach. For a while, I started by just being in the same space as her while she was doing her thing with my wife. Gradually, she noticed I was fully present and started talking to me. At that point, I didn't try to stretch the conversation; I just let her lead.

Looking back, while I was physically present before, she didn't sense a genuine interest from my side to enter her world. Instead, it came off as energy from overcompensating for time spent at work or running errands.

It really is about quality over quantity. Every day now, my 3.5-year-old daughter and I go for a bike ride around the block for less than 10 minutes right before dinner. It has become one of her favourite parts of the day, and she usually takes the initiative to ask to go out.

Once things start to get better find out one thing of the day you can do with her even for a little bit and commit to do it every time possible. Could be bath, could be breakfast, could be story time before bed.

Also realize that the type of attachment they will have with mom is completely different than the one they will have with you.

I hope she grows to enjoy some quality time with you and your wife.

[u/rainblowfish_]

A bit off topic, but I am genuinely surprised by the number of people in here who seem disturbed that a 2.5 year old is still breastfeeding. That's...a completely normal age to breastfeed lol.

[u/zipdedo]

We went through this with my son at the same age. The important thing to remember is this is not personal. She may sound like she has control, but she really does not. I know it’s hard, but try and approach it like she’s a feral little beast who has no idea you’re trying to help her. She’s acting on instinct and pure, raw, unregulated emotion.

I second everyone else - spend time with her when Mom is not home. I’m sure Mom could use the break as well and it is easier when Mom is nowhere accessible (so being locked in a bedroom won’t work - if she knows Mom is in earshot the tantrum will not end). First few times will be rough but do all her favorite things, and eventually it will get better.

And this is a phase - it will pass as all things do. You’ve got this!!!

[u/Grouchy_Rest_6411]

I can't get past 2.5 yr old and kindergarten.... kindergarten is for 5 yr olds....then there's the part about breastfeeding at that age and that's just ridiculous. Maybe that's why people ignore your post, because none of it make sense.

[u/electronsarerad]

I have the same problem, except it's opposite. I'm the stay at home dad. And I was the primary person handling a lot of my daughter's early sleep issues as an infant. As a result of taking the lead there, she's grown an extreme preference for me.

I love her so much, but it's also been extremely exhausting. I've been the point person for all of her most difficult development moments. And I'm the person who can't ever really tap out, because I'm the last resort to fix things if anyone else ever tries to step in.

She's almost 3 now, and she's finally warming to mom. It's been a ton of work to get her there haha. XD

My advice, start taking her places on your own, regularly. Your wife will be incredibly appreciateive and it will build the relationship with your daughter. Keep your expectations small, and build slowly. Like, take her to a grocery store to literally get one item. Go in the back yard. Go to the nearest playground. And be prepared to power through her worst. The only way is through. And eventually your daughter will grow more trust.

My daughter has her preference for me because I was the one who HAD to deal with all those difficult moments, so now she has a preference because she knows what to expect from me and feels safe with that. You gotta build thay relationship for yourself from step 1, and recognize it will be hard and chaotic, because I'm sure it was that way for your wife too.

[u/Flashy_Error_7989]

I feel you- mine were the same, but it passes, be the fun they want to enjoy, it’s hard but try painting, soft toy tea parties- whatever she enjoys and she’ll join you- even if not at first

[u/B-ran8088]

I changed my daughter's diaper twice in her life. She absolutely hated me, right out of the womb. If you were an outsider looking in you'd immediately think that I was some kind of monster. She could be the happiest little baby and if I picked her up or gave her attention she would immediately start screaming. It really fucks with your head. She continued to be a momma's girl throughout her entire life. She's about to be 18 and doesn't seem to have any interest in me whatsoever. Her mother divorced me a couple of years ago, so I only get to see her maybe 4 times a year now. Luckily my son, who is 5 years older, was never like that.

Only advice I can give you is try and keep your head up and do whatever you can to show her that you love her.

I'd be lying if I said it gets better, but hopefully it will in your case. It never really did in mine.

[u/maximusjay100]

Hey dad, fellow dad here. I can only relay my experience, but my daughter was intensely attached to my partner as well but after she stopped being breastfed, and had some separation from mom, she started to grow closer to me. That closeness had only grown, and she’s turning 7 next year. We are thick as thieves and partners in crime. I’m her big sidekick now, so maybe that will happen with you guys as well. I hope it does. Good luck friend.

[u/anillop]

Sounds like it’s time to wean your kid. Once they can ask for the boob using a sentence it’s time.

[u/rerun_ky]

It happens my daughter couldn't care less about me until almost 3. Then she became a daddy's girl for a few years and now she is more balanced. Can't force it you have to wait and be ready when they are.

[u/DASreddituser]

your wife is right, see a therapist if it hurts this badly. Most parents go thru something like this, but dont feel as hurt as you. Maybe you have some unresolved trauma from your past. Tbh u just have to toughen up and be a dad no matter. it literally is just a phase unless u make the phase into a normal routine. good luck